I am trying so, so hard not to let depression take over. At night when I lay awake for hours, I make plans. “Tomorrow, I will get up and go for a walk, and then I’ll have to shower and my day will be started.” But when morning comes around, I’ve barely slept and there’s just no way I’m going to sweat on purpose.

I want to just lay in bed, but I have responsibilities. Everyone is understanding but they have responsibilities, too. “We’re so sorry about your friend…will your article on home refinancing be in on Thursday, or will you need an extension?”

I feel like I’m moving in slow motion, but I have a child who needs love and attention and she demands it right now. She wants to role play, and dress up, and she says, “Mama, will you dance wif me?” I don’t want to dance.

But Jackie would love to dance.

So I twirl my girl across the floor, and her giggles bounce around in my head.

I have deadlines. You don’t get bereavement leave for a friend, even when they feel like family. I have to keep moving, working, playing. Going through the motions.

Because if I stop, the depression will take over.