I met up with my friend Dana today in the beach town we used to live in. We had lunch on the rooftop deck of a restaurant next to the sand. It was good for me to sit in the sun.
After lunch, we walked around on the pier and the beach. Memories of my previous life came flooding back. All the things I wanted to share with Madeline.
I wanted to teach her how to dive through a wave
I wanted her to walk the street where I lived
and smell flowers that look like trumpets.
I wanted to sit on this bench with her, and watch the waves crash below us while we talked about anything and everything.
I wanted to see her learn about and discover all the things I loved. I wanted to walk through life holding her hand and leading her, until she was old enough to do the leading. I wanted so much, and yet, not that much at all.
Seraphim says:
I wish you could have had that for her too. Beautiful pictures. Lots of love to you both xxx
.-= Seraphim´s last blog ..A new life and a request for support. =-.
Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo says:
that last line…
tore me in two.
Michelle says:
To Have Seen Dear Maddie’s Face and Her Expressions At the beach.I’m sending you huge hugs Heather and Mike.
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..{ Never A Bride Giveaway} =-.
Kelly says:
Amazing photos, heartbreaking in what they are lacking… Maddie should have been there to experience all of that with you. She should have been in the photos…
I’m glad that you got to spend some time out getting some sun and fresh air.
Hoping that you sleep well tonight, and have your beautiful Maddie in your dreams with you – experiencing everything that you have mentioned above. And so much more.
Love, hugs and wishes for any snippets of happiness that you can find…
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Hilarious =-.
catherine lucas says:
Wonderful photographs Heather… Glad you enjoyed the sun. Sea and surf can be food for our souls.
.-= catherine lucas´s last blog ..Scrapbooks and rabbits =-.
Krystal says:
My (((HUGS))) and love are with you Heather.
.-= Krystal´s last blog ..Wednesday Hump Day Sex Story "This is Matt" =-.
coral says:
beautiful. i am sending lots of love your way.
jkewilliams says:
Beautiful words and photos. Thinking of you all often. Lots of love. xox
Erica says:
Dear Heather,
Such poignant words, so very, very moving, you show the reader once again such raw emotion and bring us into your world. I’m thinking of you today, dear Heather, as always. I also wish from the very bottom of my heart that you could share all those experiences with your little side-kick Maddie. Its just not fair. And my words just don’t seem adequate. Please know you continue to be in my thoughts.
I hope the sun warmed your bones and your heart.
With love
your stranger friend, Erica in Luxembourg
Momo Fali says:
Simply beautiful.
lisa wood says:
wish Maddie could be there to see all that too….no words can say anything to make this better, only know that Maddie will never be forgotten. Your words are beautiful…love sent to you guys xxx
Lisa
.-= lisa wood´s last blog ..Arthritis =-.
jacquelyn geertsema says:
Beautiful pictures.
much love
.-= jacquelyn geertsema´s last blog ..5 more pictures! =-.
KellyMc says:
Great pictures, I too wish you could have shared them with sweet Maddie. Continued payers for you and Mike.
.-= KellyMc´s last blog ..Freckle Faces =-.
Krissa says:
Thanks for sharing your day, your thoughts…everything. (((Hugs)))
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Not only are you a terrific writer, Heather, but a lovely photographer.
I wish you could have had all those things with Maddie, and much more.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Ka-Pow!!! =-.
Kim says:
I am so glad you are taking pictures, but so sad they are missing Maddie.
mamaloves says:
I wish with all my hear that you could have that too. Beautiful images and thoughts.
Lots of hugs.
.-= mamaloves´s last blog ..june pictures =-.
Karen says:
Beautiful pictures and sentiments. You have an incredible way of expressing your love for Maddie. You are an incredible woman.
And you can surf? That makes you all kinds of awesome!
love, peace and hugs to you. xo
Karen
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Baby Steps =-.
Jenn says:
I so wanted that for you too Heather and if there were ANY way I could give it to you.], I would! I’m happy you went out. How is Mike doing?
The beach town looks AMAZING (Yes, this is coming from a Canadian who endured 7 months of the crappiest of weather)! How lucky you are to live so close to the water and that SUNSHINE!
Hugs for you today my friend…. thinking of you, Mike and Maddie….Always!!!
Charlane says:
You wanted what every Mother wants. You wanted to be a Mom not for just a fraction of time but for the rest of your life. I sorry that you were only able to have a glimpse of the feeling of Motherhood, and that the rest was stolen from you with no warning, no justification, no reason
Sorry dosen’t make it better though, I’m afraid that nothing I say will. I hope that you find some peace in knowing that you, Mike , and Madeline (and sometimes Rigby too) are always in my thoughts and prayers.
.-= Charlane´s last blog ..The Cake is Awake! =-.
Tricia (irishsamom) says:
Your writing is so, so beautiful. Painfully beautiful. I hope it is healing for you to do it. I wish nothing else than you could have shared all this with Maddie too.
I hurt for you. ((((( ))))))
Tricia x
.-= Tricia (irishsamom)´s last blog ..Taking the Road Less Travelled =-.
Tami says:
This was so touching it made me cry. Its like I can feel your emptiness with out your Maddie.
I wish she was here with you , with all of us again. She is missed that is for sure.
Hugs, and prayers.
amanda says:
Not much to say – but you are wonderful. xo from CT,
Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..vacation, continued =-.
Kathryn says:
I wish it could have been that way too. For you, for Mike and especially for Maddie since she had such an awesome and loving mother.
.-= Kathryn´s last blog ..Fun at the Baltic Sea =-.
Mary says:
I continue to keep you and Maddy in my prayers.
Delenn says:
Love the pictures! Yes, one of the best things about children is sharing all those things that make you happy with them. Sharing the world with them.
Midwest Mommy says:
It looks beautiful there.
.-= Midwest Mommy´s last blog ..Totally Ticks Me Off Tuesday! =-.
Deborah says:
Much love, as always. I continue to think about you and Mike and Maddie each and every day. I’m so sorry for the things that will never be.
Amy says:
(((Heather)))
Tia says:
I”m sorry she was not on that bench with you too.
Thank you Heather for sharing your day with us.
Lisa says:
I wish you had been given that chance. I’m sorry that you were robbed of those little moments. Thank you for sharing this with us.
((((hugs))))
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Establishing Good Sleep Habits =-.
Anna says:
You are such a talented writer and photographer. I love reading your words. I feel for you everyday. I know I don’t know you and Mike but you seem like amazing people. Maddie and your future children are soooooo lucky to have you two as parents. You just seem like the best parents ever!!!! Your daughter has really taken a hold of my heart. I swear this is the most unfair situation that I have ever heard. I know people probably say she is in a better place. But what better place is there besides in you and Mike’s arms. Don’t get me wrong I believe in heaven and all the glory of it. But this just does not seem right. I love looking at pictures and videos of her. She must have been such a delight. My daughter is now 17 months old. She is also my only child. Everyday I think of you guys and I have changed the way I live my life with her b/c of you and Mike. I actually miss Maddie – And this I cannot rap my brain around – how can I miss someone I have never met. You make her real to me and I’m sure everyone else. Thank you for that.
Jennifer says:
I so wish you could have experienced all of those things with her.
It looks like a beautiful day by the ocean though–keep getting out there and taking pics–you’re so good at it!!
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Thrifting =-.
Amanda says:
I could just imagine how *shocked* Maddie would have been when she saw that sea creature!
Thinking of you, Mike, and Maddie today.
Deidre says:
Stop, you have a lot with Maddie, and more pictures than I have combined of my 12 year old daughter. You had so much with her, and nothing can take that away. Nothing.
.-= Deidre´s last blog ..Home Funerals =-.
gina says:
oh Heather, you are such a beautiful poet…. I know this is so hard to understand,,, but Maddie saw all those things with you… she is in your heart, your soul… as you were seeing all those beautiful moments, she was right there with you, in your heart,,, maybe she even guided you to see all those things as well… much love Heather… thinking of you and Mike..
Carly says:
I came across your blog through a friend of mine and spent my evenings (for 2 weeks) reading the entire thing. My mom has done the same and we have both decided your daughter has the most incredible eyes EVER. She was such a beautiful little girl. You are an incredible writer and take beautiful pictures.
.-= Carly ´s last blog ..Job interview. =-.
Lindsey says:
It doesn’t seem like you are asking for too much, that is what makes it so unfair.
Also, this post made me LONG for California. I spent several years there many years ago, and you have done such a great job of catching the vibe in these pictures.
.-= Lindsey´s last blog ..What’s Up: Picture Version =-.
Jamie says:
No, you didn’t want that much and it’s horrible that you can’t have it.
.-= Jamie´s last blog ..Menu plan Monday =-.
AmazingGreis says:
I just want to jump through the Internets and give you HUGS, lots of hugs. You have atleast one hug, from me, coming your way in Chicago.
I wish that you still had the opportunity to share all of your experiences with Maddie. I have no doubt that she would have LOVED them all.
She’s definitely with you every day and will be FOREVER.
XOXO
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Chicago or BUST… =-.
Mindy says:
Beautiful photos! Especially the bench for you and Maddie!
Thank you so much for sharing!
.-= Mindy´s last blog ..Lack of sleep =-.
ZDub says:
You weren’t asking for a lot, not at all.
Hugs to you.
.-= ZDub´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
Alli says:
Of all your amazing, gut wrenching posts, this one made me cry the most. I am so sorry. I know that isn’t enough and never will be. But I am.
Hugs from TX.
ali says:
i want to punch the universe for you, Heather. punch it really hard in the gut.
xoxo
.-= ali´s last blog ..things to learn to do. =-.
shelley says:
everynight before I go to sleep I ask God to send your Maddie to you in your dreams.
I have 3 girls and whenever they start driving me nuts I think about you…I believe it has made me a better parent. I am so sorry, your posts make me cry every day and yet I always come back. peace to you Heather and Mike.
Danes says:
I’m teary – how I wish Maddie could have done those things too. I was especially looking forward to telling her evil stories about her Mom (once she got older) when we were young 20-somethings living at the beach. God I miss that kiddo! Love you – pics turned out so well!
won says:
Fuck!
.-= won´s last blog ..Living =-.
Tricia says:
Glad to see you are using your camera again.
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
The little things, those are heartbreaking. I wish so much she could have been there with you. I can close my eyes and imagine the faces she would have made, the squeals, the way she would have clapped her hands.
Oh, Heather, if it hurts this much for me I can’t imagine the way it feels for you.
Love you, girl.
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..Blog Mojo =-.
Meg...CT says:
It isn’t too much to want at all…
anymommy says:
Not too much, exactly what we all expect, take for granted even, except that you didn’t. I learn so much from you every time you write, but I wish with all my heart you didn’t have this terrible wisdom.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Maybe Baby =-.
Chrisie Ward says:
She is with you in your heart, always. It is so unfair that it has to be that way. HUGS
Erin says:
I think she saw all those beautiful things with you. I know its not and never will be the same…but your words…they are beautiful and touching. My heart will always be thinking of you.
astarte says:
Oh, Heather. I read you every day, but rarely comment, because so many others say so much, I don’t feel like I have much to add that will be different. I just wanted you to know that, really, I think of you every day, and grieve with you, as everyone on here does. My beloved nephew died in his mother’s arms two years ago, and this weekend I went to sit in his room, as I usually do when I go to their house; for the first time, I saw it as it is now, transformed into a nursery again, for their twin daughters. It was both breathtaking and heartbreaking, and I thought of you. Someday, that will be you, rocking another baby, and sharing your love for Maddie with a new little person who will love her, too, through you, and knowing that she is watching you both and waiting for you to be together again. I had a hard time feeling that I would rather have him than them, these girls who wouldn’t have been born had he still been alive, but I’m beginning to feel that he sent them to us, and for that, I’m grateful.
You are loved, both here and beyond. But it’s still horrible, and I’m so crushed for you.
Jennifer A. says:
This post is a reminder to everyone not to take anything forgranted.
It may not be how you pictured, but Maddie shares every single experience with you.
.-= Jennifer A.´s last blog ..‘Fight Like a Girl’ =-.
Courtney says:
I wish you could have that with her! You are in my thoughts and prayers, God Bless.
Courtney in New York
.-= Courtney´s last blog ..You only WISH you could be me right now =-.
Ari says:
Amazing pictures as always… I’m sure all of us wish the same thing for you.
.-= Ari´s last blog ..San Antonio Zoo =-.
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
Your photos are so beautiful. I feel as though you & Mike were served some huge injustice & I hate it! Why are there people out there that could give two shakes about their kids popping them out like rabbits and you and Mike have to suffer so. I am sure that this thought has crossed your mind before, but if I didn’t type it out….
Much love to you. I can not wait for BlogHer so I can give you a hug in real life, altho I think there will be a line for that, but one i will gladly wait in.
xoxo
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Sixteen things =-.
avasmommy says:
Oh Heather,
I just don’t have the words. So I’ll just give you virtual hugs ((HUGS)).
.-= avasmommy´s last blog ..Mothers =-.
Kim Tracy Prince says:
Oh, Heather. I wanted that for you, too.
Jennifer Nicole says:
I resonate so much with this…thank you for writing it. It touched me deeply.
.-= Jennifer Nicole´s last blog ..What About Wednesday? =-.
Jordy says:
I hope you feel a big tight HUG just now.
xoxo
FireMom says:
Another life indeed.
Sending our best.
.-= FireMom´s last blog ..Different Decisions = Different Families = That’s Okay! =-.
maggie, dammit says:
Yes.
sam {temptingmama} says:
*hugs* Love you TONS.
.-= sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..Waiting For The Bell =-.
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) says:
I LOVE that last photo. Yay!
Julie Wilmes says:
Such mesmerizing words and pictures. You’ve completely changed how I see that already beautiful San Diego pier. Madeline means so much to so many people and I’m so sorry you’re going through this horrible pain. You’re in my thoughts.
april in NJ says:
Beautiful photos… it may sound stupid… but I believe with my heart and soul that maddie was/is there with you, looking at all the things you were shooting and if you look hard enough… you’ll find her in every one of those photos… sending much love and hugs from NJ.
Alison says:
Beautiful.
xoxo
.-= Alison´s last blog ..In Honor of Finals Week… =-.
Bonnie says:
It’s just what every parent wants, not asking too much. Thinking about you.
.-= Bonnie´s last blog ..Not too far away… =-.
tara says:
i wish you could have that too. i’m so sorry heather. my heart hurts so much for you and mike. so many hugs to you.
Katrina says:
Maddie is there with you in spirit, but that’s not nearly good enough, I know. Not by a long shot. Not fair. It’s so not fair.
Although I think she might have freaked at seeing that sea monster — seriously, the thing is a bit creepy
Beautiful pictures, though. Glad you got out with a friend and experienced the day.
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Laughter Therapy =-.
Jennifer says:
You know today is probably a day I should just not type anything, but today I am sooo damn mad at the world for taking her. I know I never met her, but through your words, I have fallen madly in love with your Maddie and I miss her.
It is soo hard for me to wrap my head around loving and missing a child I never had the honor of meeting in person. It’s just crazy to be so touched by someone you never met. I know there are many of us out there like this that feel this incredible love for her. She was so unique and special and touched so many lives. Thank you so much for sharing her with us.
I am so, so sorry that you will not have those moments with Maddie.
And, I am still OUTRAGED about your post yesterday. I swear to all that is holy, I will join in the pack and go beat the crap out of that doctor! What a P.O.S!!
Okay, I am done venting now.
Love, Jenn in CA
Nicole says:
oh heather…i ache for you and maddie and what you could have had, should have had. I am sorry.
Tammy says:
My heart breaks when I read your posts. I have a 14 year old daughter and she is the light of my life. I am so sorry you didn’t have more time with your well-loved little doll.
Krystle says:
Oh Heather, I have not been through what you are going through but when reading this I can feel your desperation that is so completely and entirely emotionally consuming. I can imagine how much it pains to just live every day and go beautiful places and just wanting her there so badly that you’ll give up anything to have those moments.
As a Mom, I wish I could take some of your pain away, I wish I could do something for your Maddie to be here.
But of course, life isn’t fair and neither are we superheros, but I know that she is with you, she was with you at the beach and Maddie is forever beside you holding your hand.
Love,
Krystle,
Ontario, Canada.
annie says:
Wow, your pictures are as beautiful as your words. You may not feel like it but you are doing so well! You’re getting out of the house, writing and taking pictures as you work through your grief. You are seeing people and making plans. You are amazing.
Glenda says:
touching, moving blog post today. beautiful pictures. i love your last sentence… so true! sending you hugs… XO
Becky says:
Way to make me cry, Heather. AND PEOPLE, LISTEN UP, VOTE FOR HEATHER FOR MOST INSPIRING BLOG. She may be to proud to beg, but *I* am not.
The button thingy is up at the top.
.-= Becky´s last blog ..Blogging For Dummies. =-.
MG @ MommyGeekology says:
It seems that every day brings a new challenge for you. Thinking of your family and sending love.
.-= MG @ MommyGeekology´s last blog ..Brutally Honest. =-.
Sasha says:
This post is so beautiful, just so beautiful. I think it captures the truth of grief so eloquently. I admire your strength so much and the fact that you keep writing. There are so many people who read your words and grieve, too. Thank you for your openness and your strength. You really are an inspiration.
Erin says:
I read your blog every day. I am so, so, sorry for your loss. I think it is so amazing that you write something everyday. Whether it feels like it or not, it is helping you work through it while keeping Maddie’s memory alive.
Megan says:
That water looks so pretty! But I see the wetsuit and remember what I’ve been told about the Pacific being colder than the Atlantic. I’m glad you are taking pictures…
Melissa says:
Hi Heather,
You don’t know me but I was sent to your blog a few months ago.
Your words are so beautiful, so moving & I check in every day to read. My heart breaks for you….I can’t say I know what you’re going through but I can only imagine. I hope you enjoyed your day in the sun…& know that your beautiful Maddie was like a ray of sunshine yesterday…warming your skin & your soul.
She is with you ALWAYS.
-Melissa (Orange County, Ca)
Debby says:
Beautiful pictures, she would have loved all of it.
I am so sorry for the moments you have lost.
.-= Debby´s last blog ..I just want to scream! =-.
thatgirlblogs says:
Her face brightens our days, even now. Her spirit is undeniable.
Molly says:
That last shot is heartbreaking. So happy to see you getting your camera out.
Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com says:
It’s exactly what we all hope for, so it certainly doesn’t seem like much at all. I wish the two of you could have had all of that and so much more together.
.-= Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com´s last blog ..Always the best choice. =-.
Casey says:
It is not much to ask for, to wish for, and yet…it is everything.
.-= Casey´s last blog ..On top of spaghetti =-.
jana says:
Yes, I can imagine. I can only imagine how the flood of memories came back. Hugs support, thoughts and prayers.
jana
.-= jana´s last blog ..Frolic on Friday =-.
kristen says:
your perspective, both with written word and with image, is so unique and full of wisdom and truth…thank you for sharing, and for inspiring me every day.
i think maddie would be pleased that you are taking photos again, and thinking of her every time your lens settles on a new object or experience. i believe that you are continuing to nurture her spirit in this way. i wish things were different, but i hope she continues to color your world…
you are all in my heart.
xxoo, kristen
christy says:
I’m sending you lots of love from my little home. I wish I could make you feel better…your story just breaks my heart, but I thank you for sharing it with us. You are a beautiful writer and photographer.
.-= christy´s last blog ..Let’s Play! =-.
Lindsay from Florida says:
Your pictures are hauntingly gorgeous, and your words are written with such wisdom. In fact, I literally just realized that you are a mere five years older than I am. It seems like there should be more of an age gap because you have had to endure more in the last ten weeks than anyone should have to in a whole lifetime. I’m sorry you’ll never have all of what you wrote with your daughter, Heather. So deeply sorry.
amy says:
What a sadly beautiful tribute to your daughter. She knows.. I am sure she knows how much you miss her.
Patty says:
You have a way of turning your feelings into such beautiful posts. I feel you pain. You are an amazing mother, I am so very sorry you will not get to do these things with your beautiful Maddie! I pray for you often. I know you will never stop hurting, be “ok” with losing your sweet girl, but I look forward to when some happiness and sunshine find their way back into your life. No matter what, Maddie will always be with you, just not how we all so badly want for you.
.-= Patty´s last blog ..Sunny days! =-.
Adrienne says:
Thank you for your beautiful blog. You have my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beautiful Maddie, my admiration for the love and care you gave her and for your capacity to share your terrible grief.
I am a stranger a long way away but have I been very affected by your story.
Alexandra says:
Heather, you will never not have Maddie in every minute of your life. Never. She is you, and you are her. She grew in you, cells from you, you live in her, and she keeps living in you. That will never ever change.
Haley-O says:
Beautiful, Heather. I’m crying. Again. ((hugs))
.-= Haley-O´s last blog ..Bedhead, WAHM’ing & Monkey’s First Crush…. =-.
Alicia says:
it *isn’t* very much. it should have happened. it sucks. i’m so so sorry. your sweet girl should be here with you. thinking of you.
.-= Alicia´s last blog ..“so, do you have to actually touch the bottom with your penis?” =-.
Angi says:
Beautiful as always, but more importanly…I loved that you seem to have picked up your camera again…
cheri says:
your sadness and loss reminds me of my precious gifts…for you and your maddie, i will not take this life for granted with my daughters.
wishing you peace.
farrellmo@yahoo.com says:
You just wanted what so many of us take for granted. Your words physically move me. When I read your posts I can literally feel my heart aching for you. I check everyday hoping that somehow you are finding a way to cope. Your daughter was so beautiful. I look at her pictures and want to hug her and I can’t even imagine how you must feel.
melissa says:
what doesn’t seem like much to most, would mean the world to you now. It’s not fair that the little things were taken from you because we saw through your blog how much you always appreciated the little things. When you became a mom, you opened other eyes (including my own) to the little things.
I used to tell myself that there was a reason for everything, but I could never believe that now. What happened is completely unreasonable.
Tara in The Fort says:
I’m so very sorry you don’t get to share this with her. Can you just imagine what her view from heaven is like though! I wish she were still here with you though, sitting on that bench. Maybe you can sit there someday soon and meet her there.
moosh in indy. says:
Not that it helps, but you could always teach me how to dive into a wave.
Okay so actually you’d have to teach me to swim first, but diving into waves is totally what follows right?
xo
.-= moosh in indy.´s last blog ..finding humor in blood, sedatives and lady parts. =-.
Jen Hodder says:
I had been following Matt’s blog and then followed your religiously. I have sat at my computer in complete tears over what you and your family have endured. I have cried and laughed at the same time at little videos of your beautiful little girl. I have prayed for you everyday since I discovered you. I have wanted to post and thank you so much for the strength and appreciation you have always provided through your blog. (in different ways and for different reasons) I have been trying to find the right words for quite some time. I now more than ever can feel some of your pain and I need now more than ever to draw from you….my beautiful little angel and her Papa were crossing the street on Tuesday and were struck by a car. She has been in critical condition in the PICU and just had her 3rd surgery today. She sustained severe head trauma and we are unsure what the outcome will be. I think of you day and night and feel you were placed in my lap for a reason. I don’t even know you, but want to thank you for everything you post, do and are.
Tina says:
I am in awe of your strength.
I pray for you.
What a beautiful writer you are.
Al_Pal says:
Lovely photos. *sigh*
So many hopes & dreams.
*hugs*