The hardest thing about being told to live your life is to actually go and live it. Every night I go to sleep with my cell phone and house phone literally on either side of my head. This is pretty excessive when you realize the only person that has our house phone number is Mike’s mom, but it’s a level of excessive-crazy that I know Jackie! would appreciate. She loved “Go Big or Go Home” efforts.
Every time I turn over in my sleep, I wake myself up and check my cell phone. I honestly don’t know what I want to see. Jackie’s wants and mine do not align, for obvious reasons. She told me a long, long time ago that she wants to go quickly. Literally the last thing she wanted, EVER, was to linger on and be a burden. But yet, here I am, half hoping that I’ll have a text saying that she made it through the night, and half hoping that I’ll have slept through a call telling me she’s gone.
I know it’s so selfish to hope she makes it through each night, especially when I know she doesn’t want that. But I can’t help it…I’m sorry Jackie, but I just can’t be OK with hoping you’re gone, no matter how much you wanted it to go fast. I’m just not ready for you to not be here. No matter how much you might want it, I’m never going to be truly OK with you being gone.
I have only BARELY gotten to the point where I can think beyond the Hour to Hour with Maddie (which comes after the second to second and the minute to minute). And now I have to contemplate the rest of my life without Jackie!? That is seriously messed up. And I’m not even her family! They are dealing with the greatest pain of all. Cancer effing sucks.
I so appreciate all of your comments and emails. After Maddie died, I honestly felt like I would never really be moved by anything again. And now that Jackie’s final days are here, I am a WRECK. I cry at everything, snap at everyone, and am generally a complete disaster. Thank you all for understanding my need to write this out. Ten years of blogging have made me rely on the rest of you to tell me that what I’m feeling is normal and OK. Especially in this situation, where Jackie’s illness impacts so very many people.
What I am awkwardly trying to say is – thank you. I will need you all, so much, in the coming months