The hardest thing about being told to live your life is to actually go and live it. Every night I go to sleep with my cell phone and house phone literally on either side of my head. This is pretty excessive when you realize the only person that has our house phone number is Mike’s mom, but it’s a level of excessive-crazy that I know Jackie! would appreciate. She loved “Go Big or Go Home” efforts.
Every time I turn over in my sleep, I wake myself up and check my cell phone. I honestly don’t know what I want to see. Jackie’s wants and mine do not align, for obvious reasons. She told me a long, long time ago that she wants to go quickly. Literally the last thing she wanted, EVER, was to linger on and be a burden. But yet, here I am, half hoping that I’ll have a text saying that she made it through the night, and half hoping that I’ll have slept through a call telling me she’s gone.
I know it’s so selfish to hope she makes it through each night, especially when I know she doesn’t want that. But I can’t help it…I’m sorry Jackie, but I just can’t be OK with hoping you’re gone, no matter how much you wanted it to go fast. I’m just not ready for you to not be here. No matter how much you might want it, I’m never going to be truly OK with you being gone.
I have only BARELY gotten to the point where I can think beyond the Hour to Hour with Maddie (which comes after the second to second and the minute to minute). And now I have to contemplate the rest of my life without Jackie!? That is seriously messed up. And I’m not even her family! They are dealing with the greatest pain of all. Cancer effing sucks.
I so appreciate all of your comments and emails. After Maddie died, I honestly felt like I would never really be moved by anything again. And now that Jackie’s final days are here, I am a WRECK. I cry at everything, snap at everyone, and am generally a complete disaster. Thank you all for understanding my need to write this out. Ten years of blogging have made me rely on the rest of you to tell me that what I’m feeling is normal and OK. Especially in this situation, where Jackie’s illness impacts so very many people.
What I am awkwardly trying to say is – thank you. I will need you all, so much, in the coming months
edenland says:
Oh love … I am so glad you wrote this. You made me feel relieved and normal, I’ve found it so hard to write specifics lately so thank you for sharing your pain.
Waiting for somebody I love to die has sent me spinning down, and I’m just truly sorry that you and all those who love Jackie are going through this terrible, surreal, wicked wait. I know we get to say all the goodbyes, hold hands and whisper secrets …. but it’s so deeply hard.
Really, really hope to see you in a few days. Be gentle to yourself. XXX
InDueTime says:
Praying for you, Jackie!, and her family.
My heart breaks for you all.
Bec says:
Lots of love Heather.
Beth Mariel says:
Stay strong Heather. It’s not wrong to want to feel like that at all. Keeping you in my prayers here in singapore
Mijke says:
I never thought comments from strangers could ever help even a little bit, until two weeks ago. Every single comment anyone has left on Facebook or anywhere else, telling me they are thinking of me after my father’s passing, has lifted me, even if only a little bit. I hope our comments will lift you, too.
I get the mood you are in right now. I don’t seem to have fully grasped the crying part yet, however much I would like to (it will have to wait until are twins are back in school), but I’ve perfected the snapping at everything/everyone part and appear to be very good at forgetting everything and being a total disaster and a huge pain in the ass. Also, I feel so tired I could fall asleep any second, except I never actually do. I feel for you…
Also, I hope for Jackie’s sake it will not take forever. I know you are not ready to let her go yet (or ever), but still… I hope she passes quietly and quickly… I hope it FOR you, so you don’t have to hope it yourself.
*hug*
Lilian says:
Be assured …. we’ll be here! xxxx
Kristen says:
Hugs Heather. I’ve been on that side before. Waiting for that dreadful call. Its not easy and one of the most painful things ever. Prayers to Jackie and her family., you too.
Jenn says:
OOhh Sweetie, everything you’re feeling is Okay and is Normal. I for one am glad you can express your feelings on this blog. It would break my heart to know you were suffering in silence unable to express yourself. You’re not selfish for wanting Jackie to stay….you’re her best friend…of course you don’t want her to go and you know what??? I bet she would feel the exact same way if the tables were turned.
I have a confession….when I first linked on your blog this morning your post from yesterday was still up. I refreshed the page 5 times and each time the same thing. I immediately thought of Jackie and the possibility that she may have passed and you were just too upset to write. Then I tried a 6th time….a new post and a sigh of relief.
Look at me Heather…I feel the same way of not wanting Jackie to go and other than a few little facebook messages back and forth and her updates, I don’t really know her. I think I feel connected to her b/c you do such a good job of blogging and at bringing people into your life….and making people fall in love with your family and friend to the point that even the possibility you could be hurt over anything is really bothersome.
But, I have to say….Thank you for bringing Jackie into my life. The connection I did have with her was really nice and seeing her smile that beautiful smile in pictures was truly a gift. I’m so sad and sorry this is happening to her…and you. I’m sorry your hurting and struggling so much right now. I so wish I could change it but I know I can’t.
I want you to know Heather, I will always be here for you…..day or night. If you need a friend….I am here. Although I am not overally religious, I find myself praying for Jackie and her family a lot and I also pray for you Heather. I pray for you to find strength and peace. I also pray for you to always know you are loved, supported and are never alone……not now……not ever!!
Donna P says:
I checked your blog first thing this morning, Heather, and also breathed a sigh of relief. I don’t know you, I don’t know Jackie, but my heart is breaking for the two of you and your families. She has fought long and hard. I pray Jackie is in no pain. I wish you peace.
Susan says:
I hate the place you and her family are in – the waiting. My grandmother died of cancer two years ago – just 13 months after diagnosis. We got called home one last time to say goodbyes. It wasn’t until my mother told her it was okay to go, and that we would all be fine, that she died. It was the same way with my grandfather when he died of cancer.
I pray for you, for Jackie!, for her family. It sucks beyond words to watch someone you love struggle with this God-forsaken disease. It sucks to know that there won’t be a birthday card from her next year. It all just sucks.
Jennifer says:
My heart breaks for you as you struggle thru this… Keep writing, it’s a healing outlet for you and for others who read your blog. You are cared for by people all over the world who support you in thoughts and prayers. My father passed away recently, rather unexpected given all that he had been thru and my world stopped spinning… I wanted to scream as everyone around me went on with their days and I was standing there…still. For me music is my outlet, it brings me comfort and healing. I was at a store and the song Homesick, by Mercy Me came on, if you have never heard it please google it… the words are amazing. Your friend will be in a better place… but the reality is it won’t be here and that just sucks.
cj says:
i’m so sorry. i don’t know what else to say except that i’m praying. take care.
defendUSA says:
We’re never ready for this, no matter the time to “prepare.” But when Jackie is peaceful and resting in the world we can’t see, you will somehow find the way to “Live”. She knows it. And she will be with Maddie! There is comfort in that, for sure!
Kristin (MamaKK922) says:
You and Jackie!’s family are all in my thoughts and prayers. GIANT hugs. I can’t even imagine how that must be, I wonder every morning when I come to read your blog if I am going to be reading that Jackie! is gone. And I don’t even know her but through you I do, and it breaks my heart that the world is losing such an amazing person.
Sally says:
You’ve been in my thoughts so much. So, so much.
xo
Lisa says:
Oh, Heather, I’m holding Jackie!, you and all of Jackie’s friends and family in my heart and in my thoughts.
Katie says:
The thing is, this is not fair on you. What you have been through already is more than enough and it is just unfair you are faced with another unbearable challenge. But you will make it through though it may not seem like it at this very moment. You will make it through.
Jacquie says:
Oh Heather..I am so sorry! Everything you are feeling is normal. AND you are so right cancer effing SUCKS!!!!!
Elizabeth says:
Many, many thoughts and prayers to you and Jackie’s family.
Karen says:
I have followed Jackie!’s story ever since you first made us aware of it. These last few days I have thought about her (and you) so much it feels somewhat weird (having never met either one of you). Yet, the first thing I do in these mornings is check to see if she made it through the night and see how you are doing.
All the pictures you have posted in these past few days have been just beautiful. Jackie! is a beautiful woman, and I envy what the two of you share.
You, Heather, have had more pain in your young life than anyone ever should. Yet, time and again, you and Mike handle things with grace and strength. You are inspirational.
You are fortunate to have ever known Jackie! and the intensity of a friendship that will transcend time. I admire you.
So I’ll continue to follow your blog every day. Just another person far away (New Jersey) rooting for you and your sweet little family. xoxo
Brooke says:
It’s not wrong to feel that way. You want Jackie! to be tangible. It’s an internal struggle that we all deal with when a loved one is at this point in their journey.
Big, big hugs. Cancer is a mean, cold spirited, heartless bitch.
Be strong when you feel strong but allow yourself that breakdown every once in a while. It’s completely okay.
Melli says:
(((((((((Hugs)))))))
Catherine says:
I can understand your feelings, Heather. I wish so much you didn’t have to go through this. That Jackie wasn’t going through this. That nobody had to through this. I’m so sorry.
Lanie says:
Thank you Heather. You have showed me/us how to keep living when your whole world has stopped.
Thank you for writing about the part of life that is so difficult for us all. I feel like after burying 2 of my sons I should be an expert in death. I am not.
There are parts of death (like the thought of my own death and hopefully seeing Jake and Sawyer again) that I am good with and then there are the other parts of it. Watching someone you love die does not ever get easier. Living without them does not either. Jackie! will always be part of you no matter where she is physically but it is not selfish to also want her actually with you.
Sending peace and hugs to you and Jackie! xo
P.S. FU Cancer!!
Barbi Emel says:
Heather,
I’m here everyday, I’m sorry!
Stefanie says:
I know how hard that waiting for that phone call is. How every time your phone rings it causes a wave of panic, wondering if it is “THE CALL”.
It’s totally normal that you don’t want to let Jackie! go. My mom lasted for 1 week in hospice. It was the LONGEST week. I would tell her she could go, and I meant that. I would NEVER want my mom here in the condition she was in then. That was the only thing that allowed me to let her go. I knew she wouldn’t want to live that way. Of course, I would give ANYTHING to have my healthy, always laughing, very best friend in the world mom back. That’s who I wanted then, and still want now. And that’s what you want for Jackie!, and that makes perfect sense.
(((HUGS)))
Lindsey says:
I know how very much you love Jackie! but I am going to say something strange —my mom was an ICU nurse for years, director of nurses, etc so she saw alot of death in her almost 60 yrs of nursing so when we were waiting for my dad to die and of course, I was so devastated during those days, she said to me “there are worse things than death” and I couldn’t believe she said that and totally didn’t not believe that but I have come to realize, as a doctor myself, that that is a true statement. Even when the loved one is not in obvious pain, it is often a blessing for the person as well as those around them to release them to The Great Unknown, which in my belief is Heaven, the peace that passes all understanding. I feel for you, Heather, and all those who love Jackie!
Leah says:
It’s comforting to hear that.
Tracey says:
Your Mom is a wise woman.
My brothers suffered terribly at the end of their battles with cancer. It was almost a relief when they finally passed.
I love them and miss them everyday. But I would never wish them back to endure what they went through.
I pray for peace for Jackie! and all those that love her.
Auntie Mip says:
Lindsey,
I too am a registered nurse…26 years, all oncology, mostly pediatrics. I posted this below too…just today I spent four hours with a family as they waited for their beloved mother to be free. Diagnosed on May 16 she died tonight, less than three months later. I told her son who was racked with anguished sobs, there are worse things than dying. Suffering, wasting away, losing your dignity is so much harder. I would never ever suggest that death is easy. Cancer steals so much from so many. But for this mom today and maybe Heather’s beloved Jackie! death may free her beautiful spirit that is trapped in a body that no longer works. It may seem trite to some, callous to others and for that I sincerely apologize. I have watched cancer steal from people for so long, starting with my six year old brother. Death has no power.
Lindsey say thank you to your mom for me. I may be a tad biased, but nurses with a passion for their calling ROCK!
Heather, your battered heart is capable of so much more than you might believe. It must seem like there is no possible way you can survive yet another devastating loss. But you can. When you love big you lose big too. It is the risk we take to love. And you Heather love big. The rewards are so worth the risk?
Editdebs says:
You and her family are in my thoughts and prayers–and heart.
Becca says:
The waiting sucks. It’s this awful purgatory where you’ve already experienced the loss, but it hasn’t actually “happened” yet. I’m so sorry. Cancer does effing suck – for reals. So does grief. And yes – those are two of the greatest understatements of all time.
Oh, and for the record – you ARE Jackie!’s family. You have a right to your grief. You have a right to want to hold on right now. Jackie! loves you and would understand.
Hugs from the other side of the country, friend.
ColleenMN says:
I recently lost a friend to cancer. She and I were not close friends though. Just someone who intersected with my life at different times, but when we did, it was lovely. When she went into hospice, I began reading obituaries every morning to check (I wasn’t sure if it would make FB). Every day, I wasn’t sure what I was looking for and what I would feel if I saw her’s, relief or sadness? When she finally died, I was sad that her spirit was no longer something which could be seen and experienced, but I was relieved she was free and no longer in pain. Jackie will still be with you, you will feel her probably more than you ever have before. Life moves us along and we shuffle along with it until we can walk on our own.
Rachel says:
I’m so sorry, Heather.
As someone commented above, I hope it gives you a shred of piece to know that Jackie! will be with Maddie.
However, having been on your end of the stick, I completely understand. I know it’s not the same, but my Great-Aunt (who was more like an extra Grandma) went into the hospital for a good while before her death…we knew it was coming and inevitable, but I remember feeling so torn between wanting her to go on and not be sick/in the hospital (which I know she hated) and wanting her to stay so my heart wouldn’t have to hurt. She really doted on her great-nieces and nephew, as she never had her own children, in a way that I never fully appreciated until I was an adult.
Pgoodness says:
I’m here. Not going anywhere. xo
Tracy says:
Many prayers for you.
Erica says:
I may not personally know you, your family, Jackie!, or Jackie’s family, but because you share your story with each of us everyday, my heart is heavy. Hang in there, you have more support than you ever know!!
Lisa says:
Thinking of you and Jackie. So sorry for you both, this sucks. We are here for you and will keep you in our prayers. Much love to you!!!
AmyG says:
I can’t imagine your pain Heather. We’ve never met in person, but I feel like I’ve learned so much about you over the past several years, reading your blog. You have an awesome heart & I’m so sorry you’re going through this with Jackie! It makes me think of my own friends & I’d be sleeping with my phones, too! Praying for peace for all of you & for comfort for Jackie!
Karen says:
I feel for you. Over the past couple of weeks, a baby has been born to my family with a few health complications and though she is progressing beautifully and the problems were known and expected, nothing prepared us for our grandmother falling ill the day after the birth, to the extent that I was having to look at my schedule to see if it was remotely possible for me to fly home at the drop of a hat to say goodbye. As it turns out, the old warhorse has rallied a little and though she is somewhat out of immediate danger, I find myself in much the same position as you. She is old, her body is failing, and has failed to the point now that she will not be returning to her own home. Though her spirits are currently quite good considering, I know she must be frustrated and in pain. She never wanted to linger, to have her life extended unnaturally and yet she never banked on her own steel-reinforced constitution that just keeps bringing her back from the edge. And though I know what she would prefer I, like you, cannot wake up in the morning hoping that she’s slipped away. I’m not ready to say goodbye to my family’s loving matriarch.
So I get what you’re going through entirely and I sure hope that what you’re feeling is completely normal because I’ve been living it too! I am so sorry that this has happened and that a wonderful young life is being cut short yet again. Life is baffling.
Sherene says:
Im praying for you and for Jakie…
mel says:
You’ve gone through so much, it isn’t fair. Jackie! has been through so much, I wish her golden slumbers. Even if you miss the call, I think Jackie! will let you know when it’s her time. I don’t know what I believe in anymore, but I know somehow she will show you that she is with Maddie as they watch you walk through each day one step at a time. Much love Heather.
Mommy Boots says:
Hugs to you guys. That’s really all that can be said.
Dawn says:
I have been there recently and I wish you and your dear friend weren’t having to go through this. I wish you both peace and comfort during this difficult time.
Caroline says:
I too check every morning and feel relief that Jackie! isn’t gone. I check my email and feel relief that I don’t have a caringbridge update notification from Jackie!’s Dad. I don’t even know you or her and I don’t want her life to be over. Like I said earlier this week it’s too much. Things like this shouldn’t happen, EVER. It’s bullshit! And I’m so deeply sorry.
Nikki says:
I’m the same. Every time I check my email, I’m glad when there isn’t a CaringBridge update. So many people have been connected to Jackie! through you, Heather. I’m so sorry that you have to face this. It absolutely sucks. But please know, we’ll be here supporting you when you need it most.
((((((hugs)))))
Tami says:
Ive been following Jackie on the caribridge and I havent seen any updates on her so Im so sad see this . I pray for her and pray that she beats the dragon thats inside of her. Ive lost to many loved ones with cancer and it sucks!! Jackie is a beatiful women . I dont know her , but I always saw the love that she gave maddie when I read your post about those two. My thoughts are with you all. I will continue keep Jackie in my prayers. Im sorry Heather, my thoughts and prayers are with you too!!
Suzanne says:
I feel so bad for you Heather, I wish I had the right words to take away even a little bit of your pain. I know it’s hard to think about, but many people never have a friend as close and special as your Jackie. Even though your friendship is being cut way too short, you did have her in your life and you will always have her in your heart.
Lisa A says:
I don’t really have anything to say that will really comfort you, but know that you are all in my prayers and I think about you all the time. I’m glad to know that the messages here are helpful in some small way.
Heather says:
Friends like Jackie! are family, they are the family we choose. Just as important, but slightly different than the family we’re born to.
I can’t imagine my life without my best friend. Sounds silly coming from a 34 year old woman, but I would fall apart without her.
My thoughts are with you all
mud says:
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I first found your blog years ago when a very close friend lost her baby to cancer at 20 months of age and I was trying to figure out what to do to comfort her. Now another very close friend is fighting the same cancer as your Jackie! and hoping to have a few more years with her 5 year old. It is all impossibly unfair and I will be thinking of you in the days ahead. Take care and find comfort wherever you can.
Patti B. says:
So very, very sorry for all of your pain. Jackie! will be so missed.
Kellie says:
Heather – I can’t imagine going through the losses that you have survived and will continue to survive. But I know as an outsider, Jackie!’s situation is incomprehensible to me. I don’t even know her and I can”t stop thinking about her, you, her family and how we all are going to get through the coming days, weeks, months, years without her. Her great big smile completely sucked me in and I am so envious of the relationship you two have. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you will do what Jackie! needs you to do – to go on when she can’t. To raise beautiful children she would be proud of. To be the wife she wasn’t allowed to be and the friend that she mastered so artfully. You have told Jackie!’s story and made us all love her and her amazing family – and I have no doubt that you will continue to be a strength for her family and friends. Raise your daughter to love her friends the way you and Jackie! have loved one another. I don’t believe that time heals all wounds – some wounds are far to too great to heal – but it does make it easier to be happy about remembering. Loss is only a loss if you make it one.
Melissa says:
Oh Heather … I am so sorry … this waiting game just has to be horrific and I am so glad you have been able to spend as much time with Jackie! as you have. She is so lucky to have a BFF like you. I’ve been thinking about her and praying for her and you too — there is nothing easy about saying goodbye and I understand your wanting her to stay, and her wanting to leave quickly.
I also understand–on some small scale. I still have so much guilt about not getting the chance to say goodbye to my best (male) friend from college who died in 2006 of cancer (brain tumor). I was here in Michigan interviewing for my current job and he had just gone under home hospice care and I didn’t make it back to Baltimore on time. I got back late Sunday night with plans to visit him Monday morning and he went to heaven with the sunrise that morning, August 21. I’ll never forget him or our memories. Friendship like yours or ours … it’s for a lifetime, even when that person is dancing in heaven.
Thinking of you … and keeping you, Jackie! and your families in my prayers.
Skye says:
I’m so sorry. It does feel wrong to hope someone passes, even if they’re ready and it’s time. I wish Jackie! peace, love, and no pain.
Alexis says:
I’m so sorry. Every single day you’re in my thoughts and prayers. I just wish I could show up at your door with some cinnamon rolls and coloring books for Annie.
Nancy Raine Smego says:
And we’ll be here.
Nancy Raine Smego says:
And we’ll be here.
HeidiLee says:
Gah—trying to come up with something profound to say to comfort all of you but all I can say is thank you for all of your posts with what has happened in your life—it proves that we are more similar than we think…we are not so alone…hugs and prayers to all…
Staci says:
here.
Laura says:
Oh, I’m sorry. I’m just sorry. I’m a terrible lurker, but I always think, “I wish they lived in Orange County! We could totally be friends! The kids could hang out!” and then I feel like a crazy stalker. But know, please know, that there are people out here sending you as much peace as possible. And we don’t forget, even those people we don’t know in person.
Casey says:
I’m so, so sorry Sending positive, calming, peaceful vibes from Virginia.
Pattie says:
Sending much love your way.
Tina says:
My heart breaks for Jackie’s family and all the people who love her so much. All I can think is that this is all so unfair. Sending you my love Heather.
Rachel says:
You are loved Heather, and I know you know it but you are not alone. My mom has effing brain cancer too. Her tumor took her ability to communicate with us a long time ago, but she’s still physically here. I know the feeling of wanting her to pass for her relief and the devastation of that feeling because I cannot imagine my world without her, even though really she’s already gone. Just hold on, and don’t be too hard on yourself when you cry or snap at people. Sending you a hug from DC.
Sarah says:
I can’t imagine the pain of waiting, the dreadful anticipation. Keep writing it out, talking it out, don’t keep it inside. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Hugs.
Tina says:
I am so, so sorry
Rita says:
More hugs for you, my friend (who I’ve never met, but that’s ok…you’re still my friend!) One step in front of the other…you can do this…you can keep living your life, just like Jackie! wants you to…yes it sucks (wow, how’s that for an understatement!) but you can do it cause you’re a very strong and amazing woman.
Joy says:
A stranger sending you love, prayers and thinking of Jackie and her family.
Susan says:
You are all in my thoughts.
*hugs*
leanne says:
Thinking of you and Jackie!…
Andrea says:
The waiting for the inevitable in times like this when your heart is already breaking, but will completely break when you get the call, is excruciating. So many of us have been through grief, when that pain is more then you can bare, and getting through each day is all you can do. My faith has been what has carried me out of the darkness of grief, and back to a new version of normal after losing a child. One thing that has helped is that I regularly listen to KLOVE on the radio or on klove.com, and find peace and support in the music that seems to be playing just for me that day. Praying for you and Jackie!’s family…
Zoë says:
I am so, so sorry that this is happening. I am sending love, hugs, and hope to you, Jackie!, Jackie’s family, and everyone else who loves her.
Allison says:
You and all of Jackie!’s loved ones are facing a very, very hard situation, and your emotions are all so understandable. I’m sure Jackie! knows that every feeling or thought you’re having is coming out of your love for her. Sending lots of sympathetic thoughts your way…
Gamanda says:
We’re all here crying through this with you. Much love to you, Jackie! and her family.
suz says:
You write, I cry.
What a gift you have, what a gift you are… Jackie and you are so lucky to have each other.
‘It takes a long time to grown an old friend”
AngieM. says:
hugs..tons of hugs.
MJ says:
((((Hugs))))
Debbie B. says:
Thinking of you and Jackie everyday. I have been in your shoes and I can tell you that everything you are experiencing is completely normal and very okay. Always here to listen and offer a hug.
Julie B. says:
I read your blog religiously, but I’ve never commented; although, I am always full of things I would like to say to you. My heart hurts for you and your family, and for Jackie! and her family. I understand the pain, because we have been going through similar things with my mother over the past few years. The sadness is only replaced with guilt, because to wish my mother out of pain is only wishing her death, and I cannot come to terms with wishing that on anyone, especially someone who you love more than you could ever express. You have given many people an outlet to express themselves, as well as to relate to others feeling the same indescribable pain. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Sending love from Baltimore…
amanda says:
So glad you are finding love and support through your readers. Thinking of you…
Stacy says:
Heather, we will always be here for you. I doubt there is one person out there who hasn’t been in your position at some time in their life. Even if I don’t comment much on your blog, I do read every single day and my heart has broken for you, my heart has celebrated for you and my heart will continue to do so. Thank you for reaching out. I know it can be easy to shut down, so thank you for having the strength to reach out to us.
Trisha says:
…And in the coming months you will have us! Hugs to you all!
Auntie_M says:
Oh Heather! You are so loved & supported by so many! I hate that there’s so many of us who get that place that you’re in…who have had cancer steal someone special.
My love, thoughts, & prayers are with you & Jackie & her family…now & in the future hard times ahead.
Nicole says:
~hugs~ Sending you strength.
Susana says:
Thank your for your openness and heartfelt writing. Your story reminds me that, though most of my oldest and best friends are far away, our bond is something that can continue to grow. I has also inspirEd me to reach out to these old friends and thank them for their friendship, support and love.
Sending much love your way.
Brooke says:
Sometimes life really sucks. My prayers are with you and Jackie’s! family.
Brooke W. says:
You are a strong woman and an amazing friend.
sending you hugs
Gwen says:
I had dinner with my best friend last night, and I know that if I lost her I would be a wreck. I am so sorry that you are going through this, and that Jackie is being robbed of so much. I know I don’t comment often, but I always read every post, and feel for you when there is so much pain.
Jenifer says:
I will pray that Jackie! finds her peace and that you will find yours too.
(((HUGS)))
Lindsay says:
I say this not to in any way diminish the unbearable pain that Jackie’s family must be in … but I truly believe that Jackie IS your family as well. Best friends become family, and thus the depth of the grief I know you are feeling. I am so, so sorry, Heather. So sorry. Best friends are not supposed to say goodbye this young. I won’t forget Jackie: her bravery, her mega-watt smile. Thank you for sharing her with us amidst your pain. Love and prayers and peace to Jackie now and when her body lets go (I don’t believe her spirit will be gone), and love and strength to her family (her family by blood and her family by choice) during that same time.
Catherine says:
Heather, I have been thinking about Jackie! lately and wondering how she was doing. I’m so sorry that she isn’t doing well, and you and Mike are having to go through this as well. I am thinking of you both and her family as well. Lots of love to you and to her also.
Zelda says:
It’s normal, don’t worry. It’s also normal to mistake all sorts of abrupt sounds for your phone going off. Sending support from the middle of nowhere!
And yes, cancer sucks. Cancer REALLY sucks.
Vickie Couturier says:
I lost my little brother May 18,2012 Omg,,it was awful,he had colon cancer ,it was diganosed Jan.27,2011,, an it was downhill from there,,thru chemo,,loss of his job,,getting him disabilty,,getting money raised to help pay his bills,kept me busy so I didnt have to think about it,if I did I would go to pieces,,,,it wasnt supposed to be this way,,about a month before he died he lost his state insurance…I called every state an federal offical I could get a hold of,every local offical,all of the cancer societys ,,you name it I called it,an we had fund raisers he had taken chemo without insurance,,so I moved in with my sister in law an brother to help care for him the last week,I was a retired Nurse,an I knew what was coming an was so scared of what was coming an he was too,,as I sit here now im crying again,,it comes an goes in waves,my brother an I were so close,my Mom had just passed away 11 months before him,but this was so much worse,he lived only 5 blocks from my house an next door to my Moms house,so I saw him almost every day of my life,,,theres a hole in my heart an it will always be there,,I feel guilt that I didnt protect him an would have taken his place,his only grandson was born 10 days before he died an that was the only wish he had was to see that baby,he held him an was so proud,,as he lay dying I promised him that I would help his wife with those bills an not to worry about anything Iwould take care of it,,an I asked him if he trusted me an said yes,,the love I have for my brother was an is so special to me,I told him every day that I lvoed him,,,I worked like a dog calling an begging the bill collectors ,an got his 38,000 knocked down to 3,800,,so we had raised enought thru benefits to pay that off,I kept my promise to my brother,but it doesnt ease the pain,,,he was 5yrs younger than me an so much to live for,but it wasnt to be,,I am blessed I have 6 grown kids an 9 grandkids with 2 more on the way,but I cant seem to come to grips with my grief..Ill pray for you Dear Heather,I totally understand
Molly says:
It is cruel that you have to go through this, losing a friend you love after losing Maddie. It’s just awful. I’m so sorry. Do whatever you need to do to keep going–cry, write, share, be a wreck. The only thing I would caution against is comparing your grief to the grief of her family, like one is more or less than the other. Honor your grief. Friends are precious, and the people we love are vital to our lives, no matter whether they’re family or not. This is a real blow to you, too. (That being said, if you feel you need to be with Jackie! right now, I’d say go ahead and don’t worry about whether you belong there or not).
Angela says:
I’m sorry that everything is in this awful limbo. Praying that she has a peaceful passage, praying that you are sustained throughout this.
Meg says:
We’re all here for you — your own little army, your crusade, of love and support. xo
Becca_Masters says:
I cannot even begin to imagine how you are feeling. In fact, I don’t want to imagine it, because just reading this speeds up my heart, puts a lump in my throat and brings tears to my eyes. It hurts my heart that you are experiencing this and it makes me mad at the world that anyone has to go through this.
I agree with Molly, if you feel you need to go and be with Jackie, just go. Don’t worry about it. Be with her and her family and be surrounded by people who you can comfort and who can comfort you. hold her hand, be her friend and give her love.
There are no hard and fast rules about grief. We all love you and your family and we will be here to read, comment, comfort, send virtual hugs, you name it, we will be here.
I live on the other side of the world to you, but right now I just want to get on a plane and come over to your side of the world and hug you.
much love Heather.
Kelly says:
Even when you have time to prepare yourself for the inevitable it is still so hard. I wish that there was a way to make it easier. Wishing you peace when the call eventually comes. Thinking of you.
Sara says:
Everything I’ve tried to write sounds flat, so I’ll keep it simple. We’re here for you. May you find some comfort in that fact. Use us however you need us and we will support you.
Much love coming from across the country from me to you.
Glenda says:
Thinking of you, Jackie! and Jackie’s! family…
Peace, strength and comfort to all of you during this difficult time.
xo
rachel says:
I know how you feel, because that is exactly how I felt when my grandma lay dying (she was much more than a grandma to me, as she raised me!). I loved her so so much. BUT: The big difference is she was in her 90’s, she got to raise her kids and grandkids…She had a long long life. I hate that young people like Maddie and Jackie! are robbed of most of their lives. Jackie! will never be a wife, a mother, a grandmother. And Maddie…It sucks beyond words, beyond comprehension.
Jessica Makuh says:
I know how you feel. A special friend of mine died recently and I couldn’t visit her because my youngest daughter was about to have heart surgery. I still have not been able to visit her grave. It’s been very difficult to come to terms with my own limitations. I suppose I will feel some guilt about that for many years. I feel comforted, though, by knowing that she would have wanted me to be there for my little girl.
Kellee says:
You and Jackie are family in every way that counts. In fact, you are so intertwined in my mind that every update I have ever received from CaringBridge have always spawned thoughts of love and strength sent towards Jackie! and have always automatically encompassed you as well. I am so sorry that you’re having to go through this. For what it is worth, I think your feelings are entirely normal. All of my love to both you and Jackie! and your family and hers. xoxo
PattyB says:
I am very sorry for your impending loss. I can sympathize with both of you. When my Mom was in hospice for 3 weeks in the last stages of adenocarcinoma that had spread to literally almost every bone in her body, she was in incredible pain – yet she lingered for 3 weeks like that. She also did not want to be a burden and was hoping to go quickly. When she finally did pass, I cried like I never have before – but not all from grief. I was ashamed that I actually felt reflief – relief for her to not have to suffer any longer, and relief for myself to not have to sit vigil, wonder if she can hear me talking to her, wonder how much pain she’s in, wonder if I was doing a disservice to my children for not being at home with them 24-7 during that time – the list was endless. Grief, as you know, is a process. I am terribly sorry for you that you are already going through tremendous grief again. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as well as with Jackie and hers.
Amelia says:
We’ll be here. Sendng light and love.
Jeanie says:
I’m hoping that writing your feelings on your blog is proving cathartic for you. I can only imagine what you’re going through and how painful it must be. Know that your loved ones will surely be forgiving at your snapping and impatience during this stressful time. *Hugs*
Leah says:
Praying! You are an amazing friend and mother.
Heidi says:
Heather, I am so sorry. My heart has been breaking for you and her loved ones, but I haven’t said anything until now because I don’t have the words. It’s just so not fair.
Even though we’ve never met, Jackie! has been one of the biggest inspirations in my life. My mom was dx’d with GBM a few months after Jackie! Even after my mom was gone, following Jackie!’s journey out in the world, enjoying life, helping others with brain tumors, and all around kicking ass brought me more comfort than I could ever put into words. There were days that helped me get out of bed in the morning. Now I am trying to cling to the fact that the effects of her brave words, her participation in clinical trials, and of course her amazeballs fundraising, will continue snowball as time goes on. I’m pretty sure she has helped a generation that hasn’t even been born yet. WOW.
Sending love, and hoping for peace. Again, I am so sorry.
Jamie says:
Oh, it’s so hard isn’t it? That horrible in between place between life and death. We sat there with my Mom for weeks. I was just like you. I’d sleep with the phones in my hand both wanting and dreading the call that she was gone. I knew in my heart that I didn’t want her to liner and suffer, but it was so hard to WANT her to go. It was impossible to say those words.
I hope Jackie!’s passing is quick and peaceful for her and her family and for you.
Tara says:
I can’t imagine this. Hurting with you I’m so sorry Heather!
Julie says:
Heather, I hope you get *some* peace and comfort knowing that Jackie! and Maddie will be together. Maybe Maddie gets to be the “stand in” daughter for the one Jackie! will not get to have here on earth. Wouldn’t that be lovely to know that the two people you love so much get to love each other now?
KaraB says:
Cancer does suck. It’s so unfair. Thinking of you and Jackie! and hoping you both find peace.
Madi says:
What a shizzy situation. Seriously.
It makes me so sad to think that your beautiful, vibrant Jackie! is slipping away. This just shouldn’t be happening. She should be living and doing all the things that 30-somethings do.
I so understand that terrible wait before death comes. I’ve one through it with family, friends and pets. It just plain sucks.
I completely understand that conflict — wanting the death to be quick and in line with the individual’s wishes, but also wanting them to stay with every fiber of your being.
And then there’s that odd “relief” (for lack of a better word — “relief isn’t precisely right, as you can’t ever be relieved of the ones you love) when the suffering is over, combined with that indescribable, profound despair and intense desire to have them back.
Indeed, it’s just such a difficult experience. So many conflicts.
It’s so hard to reconcile the fact that the world is still turning, but her world is ending, coming to a close.
I’m glad you were able to visit her one last time.
I’m so sorry. This just shouldn’t be happening.
Jennifer says:
I think ANYONE in your situation would feel the same way. I thought of your friend as soon as I was coherent this morning, also wondering if she managed to hang on. Life is so hard sometimes. Thinking of you and your family so much!
Mary Ann says:
Cancer effing sucks, watching someone you love slowly slip away and not being able to do anything to help them effing sucks! I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this after everything you have been through already. I have lost 2 dear friends to cancer. After hearing of their passing – I was completely broken and in a fog for a very long time. I was exhausted but couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t make a simple decisions and whenever I was alone in my car driving to work or to the store I would just break down and sob so hard sometimes I had to pull my car over. All those feelings you are feeling are completely normal. I really thought I was losing my mind. When I lost my Dad and my friends I know that a part of me died with them, and I will never be the same. But I also learned that I can go on and things will get better one day, it just takes a very long time. Be kind to yourself, take time for yourself, reach out for help when you need it, that’s the best advice I can give you – it’s just going to take time. I hope knowing that so many of us truly care about you and your family helps in some way. Jackie has been in my thoughts since reading your post, I hope that the memories of happier times you shared together bring you some peace in the upcoming months.
Kayla says:
I will pray for peace, for all involved. And I will pray for Jackie to be in comfort, however little that may be.
Jacqui says:
Hi Heather. I’ve been following Jackie! on caring bridge and although I’ve never met her (or you) I am proud of you for what a good friend you’ve been and what a tough battle she’s fought. I have been so touched by the words of her father, especially in these last few days. They may just be the best parents ever (and mine are pretty darn good). I can only imagine how hard this is for you all now and what a difficult place this is to be in. The Victory sign was a good thing wasn’t it? Such spirit.
It’s amazing how much the stories of strangers can change your life. I know I will remember her and I thank you for sharing some of your memories with us.
I hope Jackie finds peace and that you are all able to find comfort in those around you.
Cancer sucks A**.
TonyaM says:
No words. Just prayers for all.
Auntie Mip says:
Dear friend,
I am sorry. I am sorry for Jackie! and her family. I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry because I am certain that all of this brings up so many bad memories of Maddie’s last day/s.
I understand in a variety of ways, though have ever lost my best friend. I don’t want to be one of those people who says I know how you feel. But my brother died when we were kids…leukemia. I am an oncology nurse. Tweny-six years. Today I spent the last four hours with a family who’s 51 year old mother is actively dying. Their pain is palpable. Heartbreaking. I thought of you so far away from your dear Jackie! and said a prayer for Jackie!, for her family, for you and your family, for Maddie.
Cancer effing sucks. Babies dying sucks. Life is so, so hard. And then Annabel smiles and hope is born again.
kris (lower case) says:
you have had more loss in your short life than i have in my 20+ year longer one. you are very strong and brave..you just don’t know it yet. prayers to you and jackie and her family.
Amy says:
I read this with tears on my eyes. Tomorrow I will face my second birthday without my mom. Two weeks from now we will celebrate what would have been her 58th birthday.
The day she told me she was done fighting the wretched cancer that stole her livelihood, I prayed. I prayed that God take her quickly. An awful prayer but one that was so very important to me. I did not want the cancer to rob her of anything else. I know you don’t believe in God but less than 48 hours later she passed away. Shocking everyone involved.
It’s completely understandable to have the feelings you have right now. I hate the things that have happened to you. It’s terribly unfair. I pray that life finally gives you a break and that the coming weeks and months are filled with happy memories of you and the beautiful Jackie!
Audra says:
I am so sorry. Why Jackie? Why you? Most people say that and implicit in their thought is “Why should it be anyone?” My failing is that in my darkest, meanest moments I’ll think of the people who it should be instead. In the next town over a drunk driver drove into a block party, killed an innocent person and critically injured two others who may or may not make it. He’s been convicted of driving drunk twice before, once with the added charge of child endangerment. Why can’t he be the one to suffer a horrific, terminal illness? Yeah, I know, someone is gonna tell me that alcoholism is a horrific illness (I know, I’m familiar, thanks) , but you know what I mean.
Carrie M. says:
((HUGS)).. I couldn’t imagine. What a beautiful friendship you two have. Something very special. I’m so sorry, Heather
Shelly says:
I have sat for a long time trying to think of something to say. I’m just so sorry. Thinking of you all xx
Andrea says:
honey we are all right here with you and Jackie!. I hesitated to read your blog tonight because I was afraid your post would be about Jackie’s passing. I hate that you are going through this and that cancer is taking away your best friend. I guess if you can’t be there for Maddie, the next best thing would be your best friend
Meg says:
Thoughts and prayers to all of you.
Krissa says:
If this were happening in my life, I think I’d feel the same as you. I’m thinking of Jackie, her family, you. And I can’t find more words. I wish this weren’t happening.
Alex says:
We will be here for you girl! Just read Jackie’s website too, it sounds like she is entering a peace that she always wanted and as hard as that is we will be here to be strong for you, because right now you are not expected to and just can’t be. AND THAT IS OKAY. Thinking of you often still…love on that Annie girl of yours, she will show you the joy, smiles, and play that will allow you to go on with your life like you need..because children just can’t feel that grief and it is our job to continue that sense of childhood, warmth and fun that Jackie lived for and now that you can see in Annie everyday. Lots of hugs and warmth your way!
Becca_Masters says:
Alex, can you post the link?
sherri says:
Hugs Heather! I am so sorry you are going through another loss. I remember when my grandmother was at the point where she was unresponsive and we were waiting. I knew, obviously, that it was coming, and that time was limited, and yet when I got the phone call, I was still surprised. My grandmother was a stubborn lady, she helped raise me, I couldn’t believe she was gone. I know it isn’t the same. Jackie! is young young young…much too young. I just remember the surprise and having trouble comprehending. I wish this weren’t happening to you!!
AmazingGreis says:
I love you and am here anytime you need anything!! XOXO