People ask about my tattoo sometimes. My answer depends on who is asking and what kind of mood I’m in. I can simply say, “I like music” when I don’t want to get into it all, or I can go into the whole story. Most of the time I keep it to myself. Usually the people who ask have no idea that I lost a child, and sometimes I prefer to keep it that way. Sometimes it’s nice to not be treated like a sad, pitiable grieving mother.
Annie has noticed my tattoo plenty of times in the past, but recently she asked, “What’s this?” while looking at it. I tried to keep my answer as simple as possible and told her it’s my Maddie mark, and that I like to touch it and think about Maddie. Often, Annie will ask to kiss it, then bend forward and carefully put her lips on my wrist. That’s not something I’ve ever done – Annie did it entirely on her own.
Annie’s interest in my Maddie mark has only grown as she has gotten a better understanding of Maddie. She loves to watch videos of her sister and is enthralled by the photos of Maddie in our hallway, so much so that she often kisses them as I carry her past.
A few days ago Annie was once again examining my Maddie mark when she surprised me by asking, “Where’s my Maddie?”
At first I told her she didn’t have one, only Mommy did, but as the day went on she kept asking about it.
“Annie want a Maddie?” she begged. “Please?”
After the fifth or sixth time of her asking this I looked down at her little face which was so hopeful. After a moment of thought I relented, grabbed a pen, and drew on her wrist.
When I finished Annie stared at her Maddie mark a long moment, then lifted it to her face and kissed her wrist.
She’s been showing her wrist to everyone she encounters. It’s washed off a few times and she’s flipped out, so I’ve drawn it back on again. I’ve watched her playing by herself, and she’ll even show it to her dolls.
I hope drawing the design on her wrist was the right thing to do. Right now she’s too little to understand what happened to her family before she was born. The significance of my tattoo is lost on her right now. I just hope this will be one of the little things that helps her feel like she’s always known and understood Maddie’s story, and not something that will confuse her. It’s a difficult thing for anyone to understand, and even though I know I’m doing the best I can, I still worry constantly that it’s not good enough.
Anna says:
You are following Annie’s lead. I don’t see anything wrong with that.
Bec @ Bad Mummy says:
For what it’s worth, I probably would have done the same thing. Lots of love Chicken.
Madi says:
That’s so sweet.
I don’t think it was the wrong thing to do. Not at all. She definitely seems to understand in her own way.
It’s so odd that you picked today to discuss this.
My beloved dog died in my arms last night.
I have her paw print tattooed on my neck, but I want something I can see. My Kota mark. I’m planning to get something on my wrist. Maybe her name? Perhaps a portrait? I don’t know. I’m hoping that I get it figured out soon! All I know is that whatever it is, it has to be quintessential Kota. *shrug*
Madi G.
Kim says:
So sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved pet, Madi.
Jenn says:
Just by looking at her little face tells me it was the right thing to do. You’re keeping it simple & are following Annie’s lead. The best any of us can do is the best we can do. I do think Annie feels connected to Maddie. You’re doing a good job with a hard situation Heather! Please be kind to yourself & take things one step at a time!! xoxo
Colleen says:
I think it’s precious! As long as she wants it….it’s not hurting her…why not?
Fiona says:
Hi Heather,
All children want to mimic their role models. There’s nothing wrong with the ‘tatoo’ on Annie’s wrist. It’s innocent and as others have said, you’re not forcing it on her, you are following her lead.
Rest assured, we all think you’re wonderful parents. You’re navigating this without a rule book, and you’re doing it brilliantly.
Fiona x
nicole says:
You are doing what what is right for Annie, and that makes it the right thing to do. Although my situation is much different (my daughter was stillborn) I have often struggled with how I handle things with my other children… I understand that feeling of being unsure of how you’re doing, But you are following your instincts and doing an amazing job!
Editdebs says:
You are doing an amazing job–for both your girls.
Sara says:
you can buy temp tattoo stuff to go through the printer, if you want it to last a little longer than ink.
Cinthia says:
I was totally thinking that exact same thing, that or henna, so it lasts longer and doesn’t wash off.
Amy says:
Annie is so precious! I think it is so sweet that she wanted “her Maddie”. You are a wonderful mother and how could you resist that face anyway!
Nellie says:
You are doing an amazing job and your Annabel most likely understands more than even we adults sometimes understand. She is pure of heart, mind and body and posesses an old soul within and a precious, beautiful, amazing love for her sister Maddie!
You and Mike never cease to amaze me with the beauty and love of your parenting skills!
Leslie says:
Agree with everyone. You are doing an amazing job, and I think Annie understands more than you think. I think she loves her sister and kisses the pictures and tattoo because of that. This is such a sweet little story and Annie is so lucky to have you both as parents.
sara says:
Ditto the above comments – you are doing a wonderful job setting an example for Annie by being open and honest and allowing her to express herself in her own way. Much love to you and Mike and Annie!!
ColleenMN says:
I think sometimes you have to go with what you are feeling and giving her a Maddie mark feels just right. It’s about Maddie and about wanting that connection with you as well. Both are great reasons. Get some henna and maybe do it in that
so it stays a little longer.
Lisa F. says:
I think that’s one of the sweetest things I’ve ever read.
Kat says:
I see nothing wrong in what you did! Kids are actually a lot more intuitive than we sometimes give them credit for. I would imagine that she will one day get a Maddie mark of her own when she is older. And that is OK too! Her kissing your mark and then wanting her own and kissing that too is just sweeter than sweet!
Heather B says:
That is the sweetest thing. She wants to be like her Momma and she wants to have a connection with her Maddie. Very precious and absolutely nothing wrong with it.
Leslie says:
The way you involve Maddie in Annie’s life is wonderful. My mom’s sister died of leukemia before my mom was born. The little stories that my grandmother told my mom are all that my mom has of her sister. My mom always wanted to feel more of a connection between her and her sister because she didn’t get to be there to meet her and there were only a handful of photographs. You are doing exactly what you should be doing, allowing Annie to be connected to her sister who she truly loves. It is so appropriate to let Annie lead the way in learning about Maddie. Let her decide what she wants, when it comes to Maddie, and you can’t go wrong.
Megan@TrueDaughter says:
I think it’s lovely, and always knowing, in whatever way she can understand, will help her deal with it all when she is old enough to finally grasp what happened. I think you guys are doing a perfect job. Not being morbid, but joyful about Maddie’s presence in your lives, not overshadowing sweet Annabel, but letting her learn, at her level about her sister when she wants to. God job, Mama.
Lacey Warren says:
You are doing the right thing. Like someone else said, Annie understands in her own way, and I think it makes her feel closer to her sister and mom! Keep it up!
Melissa says:
So sweet. You are doing an amazing job at helping Annie feel connected to her beautiful big sister. I look to you for inspiration in parenting, and you never let me down. *hugs*
Kendra says:
Definitely nothing wrong with drawing the mark on her wrist. What if you had a bracelet made with the tattoo symbol and she could wear it whenever she wanted? Then you wouldn’t have to draw it on her all the time.
Savannah says:
I love the idea of getting a musical note bracelet she can wear all the time. Either way though, this post is so sweet.
Glenda says:
Adorable and precious!!!
Kelly says:
Heather, I think you are doing great. There’s nothing wrong with following Annie’s lead on something like this. I think it’s precious and sweet.
Lisa says:
I think you did exactly the right thing. You can’t go wrong when you follow her lead. Hugs.
Cristy says:
She’s getting to know Maddie in her own little way. I think it’s beautiful and that you’re doing amazing with helping her through her journey. I love the idea above of having a bracelet or temporary tattoos made. Keep doing what you’re doing!
Pattie says:
I think you did the right thing. The look on Annie’s face and the sweetness with which she kisses her Maddie Mark are proof of that. This is something else that is helping her along the path to better understanding Maddie’s story.
Kristen @ The Chronicles of Dutch says:
I have no experience in this but I think Ana, commenter above, is right when she said you’re following Annie’s lead. You can only do your best & she know that when she gets older. Love to guys!
Jessica says:
That is one of the sweetest things I have ever read! I definitely agree with everyone else. You and Mike are amazing parents to both your girls!
Sue says:
What a beautiful thing to do, Heather,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Nicole says:
I got all goosebumpy & teary eyed. That’s just so precious.
You absolutely did the right thing. Doing the wrong thing would involve dragging the 2 year old down to the tattoo parlor to have her inked too.
Don’t second-guess yourself so much, you deserve more credit than you give yourself. You’re doing a wonderful job!
Kristin says:
I think it’s beautiful, sweet, and the absolutely PERFECT thing to do.
Cierra says:
You should get her a bracelet made with her maddie mark on it
Carrie says:
I took a break from work to catch up on blogs and your post today made me cry- what a beautiful thing for you to share with Annie.
Sleeping Mom says:
She wants to be like her mama
Tami says:
Im so far behind on reading your blog once again. my own life has been filled with allot of upsetting times. But when i saw annie kissing her wrist. My heart was like like in awww, I loved that she wanted her own Maddie mark. Some day she will understand and she’ll want her own permanent Maddie mark. ?
Linda says:
How sweet!
I have to tell you that I never “got” tattoos until I saw yours.
Now I have one of my own that I got on my 60th birthday.
ZPAwoman says:
You are an amazing Mom. I agree with other posters. Maybe it is time to get your Maddie symbol made into a bracelet or maybe even a necklace. It could be something you all could wear.
Jessi @ Quirky Cookery says:
I think it’s wonderful. And I really don't know how this would confuse her when it's something that's obviously special to the both of you. Like others said, if you want it to last a little longer, henna would be a good route to go. She may grow out of wanting it drawn on, sooner than later, or you may find that this is something she really cares about for a long while. I'm sure you'll know which way to go every step of the way, too.
Vera says:
I was just last night talking to a friend of mine, and we came to the realization that little children don’t think of death the same way we do – they have a much more easy, spiritual kind of feeling about the whole life-death continuum without all the baggage we associate with it. If we can look past the discomfort, it’s really quite beautiful.
I was telling my friend how heartbroken I was… When my oldest, Sophia, who is seven, was five years old, we lost a baby when I was 12 weeks pregnant. It was a baby girl, and we named her Violet. Now, whenever Sophia sees cute baby girl things, especially clothes, she always says “I wish Violet was here so we could get her that!” or something like that. She says it in a wishful kind of way, and sometimes with disappointment, but she just blurts it out in the middle of Target. Not a time I would ever choose to delve into those feelings. But she just mentions it all the time. This past weekend, on the way to her soccer game, we saw a little toddler girl in a really cute outfit. I saw Sophia eye the girl, and she smiled. She said, “when I get to Heaven, I’m going to dress Violet like a princess! I’m going to tell her, I’m your sister.” She smiled and then skipped off and played soccer.
My friend who I was talking to has a daughter whose father died when she was a baby. She says that all growing up, her daughter would talk about her dead father ALL the time, in the most casual way at the most random times. It made other people uncomfortable. For my friend, just like for me when Sophia brings up Violet, it immediately brings a flood of emotion. But for the girls, their dead sister/father are just part of their lives, their families, who they are. And even though often it DOES break my heart, it is also sweet and beautiful.
Heidy Martinez says:
I’ve been following your blog for a while now but I never write, this time I just want to share something with you. I lost my son in 2005 (He was born at 26 weeks and only lived 10 hours) then we had Xavier in 2007. We always speak to Xavier about Lil’ Ricky and we tell him that he is in heaven. Just last week he called me over to his bed after we had put him in bed and he asked me if he could go to heaven and then come right back. I explained that he can’t go to heaven and come back he begged, please, I just want to go see my brother. He asked, why can’t I play with him? This broke my heart. ABout 2 months about he woke up and told me that he had a dream that his brother, God and himself ware sitting in his room watching TV. I asked him, what did his brother look like and he told me “a very tiny baby”
Jenny says:
My heart is happy and sad for y’all, all at the same time. I’m sad for your Maddie but happy that your Annie is working her way through Maddie’s loss. Kids certainly could teach a few adults how to figure it out.
Her Maddie mark is precious and perfect. Could you get her a charm bracelet or necklace, with those little girl charms for each one of them?
Tracy says:
I’m certainly not a licensed professional but I think you are amazing.
That is all.
Mommy says:
I love this post. You are an amazing mommy and I love that you let her have her Maddie mark. Just precious.
Valerie says:
So sweet, and, off topic… Annie sure does have some crazy/flexible legs!!
Love your blog!!
xo
Val in Ohiooooooooo!
Neeroc says:
This is so incredibly sweet and bittersweet.
Trisha says:
So sweet and special. I think you are doing wonderful with her and helping her to learn about and love her sister.
Katie says:
That is beautiful.
Katie C says:
I am in tears… I have wanted to get a tattoo honoring the unborn baby I lost three years ago, but don’t know what to get… Maybe a footprint, or a heart… You know, I think it is beautiful and so right for you to share things with Annie. She will always know her sister through you.