Saturday is the one year anniversary of Jackie’s death.
When I think about everything that’s happened in the last year that she’s missed, it takes my breath away. And when I think about all the things she could have done with another year, the pressure in my chest is almost unbearable.
I know right now her parents are likely playing the “this time last year” game. “This time last year, you were still here. I could touch you, smell you, feel your heart, listen to you breathe.” I’m playing it myself. This time last year, Jackie was still alive.
I’m feeling very wrung-out. My postpartum hormones have had me crying over everything, but this week I feel…I don’t know, almost resigned. It’s another awful day to add to the collection of awful days.
I selfishly hate that I won’t have a picture of her like this with James:
I really hate that there won’t ever be pictures like these of Jackie with her own kids.
I’m at a loss…it’s a whole calendar year of unused days, of memories never made, messages never sent and laughs never had. I’m searching to find the words that will really describe how a year without Jackie feels, and I keep coming back to the same one: Terrible.
I miss her, terribly.
Heather – Jackie!, I imagine, would want you to spend this day remembering who she was, what made her smile, and spending time with your loved ones.
I didn’t know Jackie! except for what you’ve written about her on your blog. I was always struck by how very beautiful she was, even after surgery, and she seemed so unselfish and caring of others.
Words are escaping me because I don’t want to say the wrong thing but I hope you find time in your grief to remember Jackie! and her life with fondness, love, and peace, and find comfort in doing so.
With my brother I have to not think of his death and think only of his life and what he accomplished during his life.
satchi Nitay says:
I’m sorry. It really is such a heart breaking thing to lose someone.
All the love,
-Satchi & Nitay
We just passed 13 months since my sister’s diagnosis with stage 4 glio. We are quickly approaching the median survival rate or 15 months. Makes me sick to my stomach.
I hate that Jacki battled this monster of a disease. So sorry you are dealing with this.
Oh Liz, my heart hurt when I read this. Not sure how old your sister is but wish/pray for the best. Unfortunately I never knew what glioblastoma was until my sweet healthy dad was diagnosed with it and gone in 44 days. My dad was 73 though and he was diagnosed with glioblastoma multiform. I hate cancer along with so many. My life has changed because of it. I am a different person. Take care….
She is 45. The cancer your dad had is the same as my sister’s. It is just awful. Never new about it either until her diagnosis.
Sorry about your dad. It is amazing how you can wear rose colored glasses. Then something like this happens.
so sorry to you Liz and Susan. My mother passed from pancreatic cancer in 2004 a week after they told us her diagnosis. I hate cancer! FUCancer!
Heather- Sorry for the loss of Jackie!
I’ve always followed her caringbridge. I still read it.
I hurt for her mother! I hurt for you! I hurt Jackie!
From reading your blog and Jackie’s! she is a beautiful person inside and out!
I’ve always said time is a tricky thing. Yes, it takes the acute pain away and helps dull things but at the same time it takes you further from the last time you were with that person. Next month will be 11 years since my father died. I still can’t believe it’s been that long since we talked, laughed, hugged. Time can really mess with you. Thinking about you this week.
I’m so sorry Heather…
Oh Heather, I am so sorry. The hurt and pain never goes away and you’ve been through so much more than anyone should have to deal with. Jackie lives on in James and in you and keeping her memory alive is a wonderful thing. My (male) BFF from college died seven years ago this summer — also brain tumor/brain cancer — and I still think of him constantly. When I type “J” in Gmail and his email pops up, it hits like a ton of bricks. It’s so hard losing people we love so young. It’s unfair … totally and utterly unfair. Sending you lots of hugs.
Donna P says:
Jackie was an amazing, beautiful, gifted woman who accomplished so much in her too-short lifetime. Seeing photos of her brings tears to my eyes. I can’t imagine the pain you are going through…
It sucks, there just aren’t any other words for it. I’m sorry that you have to add another day to the list of horrible days. xoxo
Sending lots of warmth and hugs your way. As Paula beautifully wrote in the first comment, it’s so important to try — try — to remember the beautiful and happy moments and things about Jackie. It’s been six months since my sister’s mother-in-law suddenly passed, and just over a year since we lost a dear uncle. It’s awful and weird and hard and just… terrible. But we’re all thinking of you and the beautiful Jackie.
Sending much love and many hugs your way. xoxo
Love to you and to Jackie!’s family at this awful time. I hate that as I get older there are more days on the calendar that tug at my heart. Never the good kind of anniversaries but they seem to come around just as quickly as the happy ones. xo
Kathy Shipstad says:
So very sorry for your loss. I too lost a best friend 3 years ago. Still miss her terribly. Can feel your pain in your post.
I’m so sorry you lost Jackie. Thank you for sharing her with us here.
I agree with all above comments. Grief is horrible and it hits almost blindsiding you sometimes. I agree with the word “dull”. I guess it does. The pain is still there and that since of can’t breath sometimes still hits. Life is hard sometimes. Jackie was beautiful through it all….her smile….
Debbie A-H says:
Holding you and her parents and other friends in my heart.
I am sorry about your friend Jackie’s passing. Brain cancer sucks my husband passed June 30th after a short battle with Glio/ stage 4. Our son is 12 and grief is horrible.
She has such soulful eyes. .. you can just see how life radiated through her.
I’m so sorry about Jackie! I read her Mom’s blog about her and how touching it is and what a tribute too. I hope you can find some time to celebrate her. She seemed like a wonderful person.
Thoughts and prayers to you and Jackie’s family this week! I too have been battling with this since loosing my husband at the age of 32 after an almost 18 month battle with a rareof cancer called Albeolar Soft Part Sarcoma. I have read your blog for many years and felt compelled to write tonight as I completely get how you feel right now (minus the postpartum hormones). I wish you comfort and peace this week with all the great memories you have of Jackie
Long time reader, rare commenter here. I just have to say, wow, I can’t imagine ALL that you’ve gone through…you are an amazingly strong woman who still has a fantastic sense of humor, a true zest to live your life, and to make your loved ones happy. The platform that you have created here with your website allows sooo many “strangers” to get to know the people you love and have lost, which when you think about it, is pretty amazing. You do a tremendous job of honoring your friends and family.
Amanda Baltz says:
Has it already been a year? It doesn’t seem possible. Amazing how much can change in such a short amount of time. Thoughts and prayers to you guys!
I hate that you even have a list of Terrible Days. I wish a magic wand could be waved and all would be restored to its rightful place.
Thinking of you (& Mike & Jackie’s family) with tenderness during this time.
I’m coming up on the one year anniversary of my mom’s passing……in exactly one month it will be one year…one year since I showed up at my Mom’s for some unknown reason at 8 o’clock at night and found her conscious but incoherent with trouble breathing..she had sent my dad out for a night of fun listening to his brother play music..he hadn’t wanted to go..I’m glad I showed up when I did….but 4 hours later she was gone….. I’m so sorry you lost Jackie! too…….
Oh Rhonda, I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear mother. Much love and peace to you and your family and of course to all who loved Heather’s beautiful friend J.