Today is the first day of June. Another month my Maddie won’t see.
June was supposed to bring Maddie’s first trip to the beach, her first time touching the ocean. It was supposed to bring another Father’s Day for Mike, pool parties, and swimming lessons. Now it is filled with the dull gloom of sorrow.
June is normally my favorite month of the year. Normally I’d be annoyingly announcing to everyone that JUNE! IS! MY! BIRTHDAY! MONTH! Normally there would be a countdown to the big day. Normally I’d be planning a huge party, because turning thirty is a big deal to someone who normally loves birthdays.
I just want to ignore the day. I want to pretend it isn’t happening.
It’s not just a new year of my life that I’ll be starting without Madeline…it’s a new decade without her. I feel like I’ve already lived dozens of decades in the last seven weeks and six days and yet, the idea of actually starting something so huge without her…my chest burns and constricts and it hits me all over again.
I won’t get a birthday kiss from her.
It’s the only thing I want, the one thing I yearn for. The one thing I can’t have.
Normally I can’t wait until my birthday. But, nothing is normal anymore.
In Due Time says:
(((((Heather & Mike)))))
I’ll be thinking about y’all on your birthday and on Father’s Day.
In Due Time’s last blog post..Road Block
Hugs… You are so loved and admired,
and it never will be… but it will not always hurt this badly. That’s the only thing I think we know for sure. We all love you so much. I know nothing fills the void, but our love will never stop trying.
This summer, you will stand in the surf and feel the waves since she can’t. Mike will suffer through Fathers’ Day as you suffered through Mothers’ Day and then the dread of it can stop. Tomorrow is always coming. Tomorrow is the only gift Maddie can still give you. And look at that busy angel – showing up for you every day. She must have been taught well.
I love you,
This made me cry all over again. My heart just breaks for you guys. I wish that there was something that could be done to fix this all. Sending you so much love and peace as you navigate this new reality. I know it will never stop hurting, but I pray it gets easier.
Amy’s last blog post..Because I haven’t embarrassed myself enough on this blog.
Oh I know how you feel. I turned 40 two days after the anniversary of my son Findlay’s death. For years I had anticipated a big shindig but when the time came I spent the day with family. very quietly remembering hapy times.
Heather – there will be happy times again. xx
Because nothing I could ever say will make your heart ache any less, I wrap you in a hug and a prayer today. You and Mike are so loved. (((hug)))
Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo says:
I have no idea how you are feeling, no one who has not been through what you have can, just want you to know that we are all here for you both. And hope that helps just a little bit.
catherine lucas says:
The first year is hell… Every date of meaning will also make clear to you that she is gone.
A living hell I would say. Realising that yet another date is coming that she can’t celebrate with you. We all could give you a birthday kiss, but then, it’s not the same, we are nor can’t replace your Maddie. I cry with you. The decade sentence says it all: losing a child is decades of sorrow… So sorry Heather and Mike
catherine lucas’s last blog post..When in Bruges…
Darla Wentz says:
I’m so so sorry.
Darla Wentz’s last blog post..Who knew…
Today is my sister’s birthday. She would have been the big 4-0 today. She left this world 6 years ago, and that doesn’t seem possible either. [She walked for the March of Dimes a few times. One year she even had a seizure along the way, and still finished all 32K because back then people only paid if you finished.]
It is also the birthday of a dear friend of mine. We have known each other for almost a decade.
It may also be the birthday of another friend’s son (waiting for official announcement on FB).
Although there is a part of me that wants to run for cover, there is much to celebrate. I am still here as you are.
Your grief is still new and very raw. Give yourself time. Find something to celebrate, if only for the outpouring of love that has happened because of this.
You are worth celebrating!! Happy Birthday, June baby.
chris’s last blog post..root beer braised short ribs
As a complete stranger to you, I continually send you all the positive & healing energy I have within me, trusting that the universe is delivering it to you in ways I can never humanly imagine. I hope you feel it. Perhaps only glimmers of it here & there. Perhaps.
After reading this post, I felt compelled to write you.
Try to muster the inner strength to find a way to celebrate this new decade. If it’s writing a letter to Maddie, or performing a small, symbolic gesture that represents “new”.
Every decade deserves to be celebrated…and a lot of things happened over the past 10 yrs, and more goodness is in store for you during the NEXT 10 years.
I know Maddie didn’t get that opportunity to celebrate – her own, or yours…but I believe she is still there beside you wearing a silly party hat and that gorgeous grin, whispering “You can do it mommy.”
I do a lot of yoga…and another yogini once shared with me that every morning, she performs sun salutes, because there are others who physically cannot. She does it for them…on their behalf.
Do this. Celebrate it as best as you can. Wrap yourself in as much love and compassion as possible – allow others to do it for you if you cannot do it yourself. It will help to usher in this new decade with hope, healing, love and compassion.
Do it for your husband. For Maddie. For others who cannot. But mostly…do it for yourself. You deserve it.
I believe in you.
Mitzi (myfengshuilife on twitter)
I have not lost a child as you have, but I have lost a brother and a father. I do understand about the passage of time, the missed birthdays, the missed holidays, the missed hugs and kisses and “I love you”s. There will always be that place in your heart that aches, that is empty, that longs for your loved one to be HERE…
But that spot does get less tender, less painful as time goes on. The first year is the toughest. All the first times that they’re missing and you feel like they should be here.
Remember her. Remember who she was, how she looked, smelled, smiled, laughed. It’s okay to remember and long for her.
Hugs to you…
Heidi’s last blog post..Photo Shoot!!!
On your birthday Heather, go into your sweet Maddie’s room, sit in your rocker where you both spent so much time together, pick up an article of clothing of hers, close your eyes, breathe in deeply and sit in silence thinking about the happy times you shared. I’m sure you’ll hear her laugh or her whisper your name! I also imagined the big sloppy wet kiss and the pudgy hug tight around my neck with my child’s head snuggled against mine. I did this when I lost my baby & it helped me get through the day.
It’s not easy but you will get through the day. My birthday is in June also, so from one birthday girl to another…I wish you the very best on your birthday.
Stay strong. Get through this day anyway you can. Try not to focus on the “decade”, right now I’m sure your trying to get through minute by minute and the “decade” will totally overwhelm you. It was also my 30th birthday only 3 months after she passed. I didn’t do anything for it..no party. I did what I could to get through it and just thought of it as another normal day. I didn’t make “turning 30” a huge deal & it helped my state of mind. I haven’t regretted it, just spending the day with my husband.
I wish you love and for you to find peace within yourself and Mike. Time passes slowly right now but your heart wrenching grief will gently lessen over time. I send you love and a very BIG hug!
Andrea Neuman says:
I am still thinking of you and Mike and Maddie daily. Every day, I say a silent little prayer for you and your family, keeping you in my thoughts.
I wish I could do more.
Andrea Neuman’s last blog post..Ugh Dr Appt This AM
Heather, Just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you and sending you wishes for peaceful moments, and all of the hugs and support you need.
All my love.
Bec’s last blog post..Welcome new sponsor: I heart craft!
(((HUGS))) I’m so sorry – and I wish there was something more ‘meaningful’ I could say. I’m just so very sorry that you are living through this nightmare. Keeping you in my thoughts and heart. (((HUGS)))
This is just so bloody tough. Its like trying to find her presence in her absence. And its so exhausting. Heather, Miss Maddie Moo was made to be with you and Mike. Her funny ness, her laughter, sillyness, her love, warmth..all for you guys Exclusive. How amazing is that huh?
You are lucky, that she chose you guys and enriched your lives. And more…..
I love you.
Peace and hugs (as I know you need them)
Once again, I am rendered useless with anything truly helpful to say – but I hope so much that you can find some joy on your birthday this year – and that you are being good and kind to yourself EVERY day – every year without Maddie will be hard, but certainly this first year is the hardest, and all momentous occasions will feel empty without her – but I hope you find some happiness on your day – at least knowing that Maddie has touched all of our lives too, and she has made such an impact..I am rambling, so I will stop now.
xo from CT,
amanda’s last blog post..frankie says relax
Heather I would move heaven and earth to get you the kiss you desperately want for your birthday. I would do ANYTHING.
I think of Madeline, you, and Mike, every single day. I send you my peace, love, and unwavering support. For always.
eden’s last blog post..Under the Skin
My heart hurts for you and Mike everyday. I think about you two often in a day. Your words are unforgettable. I cry with you.
Lots of hugs and kisses
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Dear Heather, I hope that your birthday turns into something unexpectedly sweet, but it’s perfectly understandable that you aren’t looking forward to celebrating it without little Maddie Moo. I wish that she could give you a birthday kiss on your special day and every day leading up to it and beyond.
Sending a hug from this Mom to you.
Lynn from For Love or Funny’s last blog post..Lies, Lies, Lies
I so badly wish that it weren’t so…for you, for Mike, and for Madeline.
Christy’s last blog post..Nothing Lasts Forever
Desiree Campos says:
I recently Came across your blog on another blog that someone left your URL in the comment. Ive spent the last few days reading your story and all about Madeline. Your Wonderful daughter has touched so many lives. I just wanted to say I am so truly sorry for your loss and I feel blessed for being about to read your blog.
Desiree Campos’s last blog post..Wow its almost June!
my best friend very suddenly lost her husband almost a year ago (june 5) and talks about her “new normal.” she is 29 years old and is now a single mom to four boys…life will never be the same, but she is living each day, just trying her best. i think that is all that can be done. i wish she had as many snapshots and videos of him as you do of maddie. maddie gave you so many gifts during her too-short time with you – and you were such an amazing mommy that you recognized that and received them with such wide open arms that she knew it was appreciated and she knew she was loved…your greatest gift to her, given tenfold. your post last friday about the gift of laughter is a perfect example of this. i wish more than anything that you could have more and more of this from your sweet maddie, but i also hope that your memories of these moments continue to bring you some level of peace and comfort.
last night i thought about that laugh of maddie’s and then i thought of that quote from the movie “its a wonderful life”…the one about how every time the bell rings an angel gets her wings…my wish for you is that every time you watch a video and hear maddie’s voice, that her angel wings lift you up to a better place.
It’s totally abnormal and completely fucked up and I’m sorry.
Becky’s last blog post..Look Kids! Big Ben! Parliament!
wish i could make it different …
sending hugs and love and peace …
jen’s last blog post..so … where was i?
I’ve been following your blog for a few months now, and wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you often. I admire your strength through these terrible recent weeks. I also am turning thirty this month, and know that while yours won’t be the birthday you had envisaged, hope that it will be at the very least, bearable, and that the huge amount of love that comes to you from all over the world might make your world a little brighter.
Jennie’s last blog post..Tour bus experience in Malta!
lisa wood says:
Take Maddie’s laugh with you in your heart when you go to the beach and let her know how much she would love the waves…..keep her smile next to you on your birthday, and hold her close within you. She is smiling from above, and will always be with you. Wish with all my heart that she was with you for your special day, Please know this…wishing you a happy birthday for June. My birthday is in June so I will light an extra candle for you.
Love, Hugs and thoughts sent your way…….Maddie will always be a part of you and Mike
Love you Maddie xxx
lisa wood’s last blog post..Mangosteen Fruit Juice For Health Benefits
Shannon Kieta says:
Heather, Like “Kristen” said so wisely, that Maddie is your angel that keeps bringing you tomorrows. I can’t imagine how much it must hurt. I hurt and I didn’t even know Maddie and I don’t know you. I feel like I do. I swear, you have made so many new friends and family through all of this, because so many people feel so connected to you. I have known alot of people who have lost their children, but have never had a connection like with you. I hope you know how special you and Mike are to everyone, maybe someday Maddie Moo will make you see just how priceless you are to the world around you. I hope you have a wonderful and Happy Birthday. 30 is a milestone and think of the beautiful life that you created that touched so many lives in such a short time. She could have only came from you my friend. So celebrate yourself, someone so cherished, great, and respected, do something for yourself: weather it be a party, go to the spa, or just lay in bed and let everybody wait on YOU! You deserve it! Happy Birthday…and I am sure if you close your eyes and make a wish, you’ll get that kiss you’ve been wanting! Luv Ya! Shannon
Kristen McD says:
I wish there were some way this could be made easier. I’m just so sorry she’s not here to celebrate with you. I’m so sorry.
Tricia (irishsamom) says:
Oh Heather – this is just too hard to even try and imagine. That the joy has been taken out of your life. The reason for being. I have children and know that they are my reason for being most days. I am so mad for you. I feel mad that this beautiful child of yours had to be taken from you, for no reason that makes any sense to anyone. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to try and fill that space. It is impossible to fill a space filled with such a large spirit and a bright, wonderful little one like your Maddie. I normally have faith in the world and life, but this makes me question everything.
My heart totally hurts for you and I would do anything to share the burden with you and Mike if I could. I know there are so many people out there who feel the same. Strangers who have been drawn to the light that was your child.
I am sorry that nothing will ever feel the same. Your hope is gone right now. But I truly believe that your Maddie will give you the will to have hope and happiness in your lives again. She will. She wants that for you. One day.
Sending hugs and support. Let me know if there is anything else I can do. You are not alone, although I know you feel as if though you are.
Tricia and family xoxox ((((( )))))
Tricia (irishsamom)’s last blog post..Taking the Road Less Travelled
In a parallel universe she is there…..she is there. I miss her so much for you and wish I could carry this terrible anguish that is in your heart.
I continue to ache for you. June is supposed to be a wonderful month (my birthday is in June too). I wish it was all different. I wish she was here with you… I am still so, so, sorry for her loss.
Alexandra :)(? says:
I wish there was something I could say to make it better. All I can say is that I’m thinking of you, Mike, and Maddie and I’m very sorry that ANYONE has to go through this.
Nothing will ever be the same and you will always miss her and I know that offers no comfort. I wish I knew something that would help but I don’t. Just know that it is ok to miss her.
Sarah’s last blog post..June 1st
I hope you still go to the beach and touch the ocean for her – she’s always with you and I’ll bet you’ll hear her giggle in the waves.
pgoodness’s last blog post..
I am so sorry that this is the new normal for you. I really do wish that there was more I could say or do to help carry some of this weight for you. I know that you know that you, Madeline, and Mike are always in my thoughts and prayers.
Charlane’s last blog post..No Comment
This made me cry! My heart just aches for your loss. I really wish I could turn back time and give her back to you and Mike.
I dont know when your birthday is ,but I hope you find some way to make your 30th birthday special.
Happy Birthday Heather!
My thoughts are with you guys daily.
I wish I had something encouraging to say but I know there are no words…Just know that there are hundreds of thousands of us out here thinking, wishing, hoping nothing but the best for you –
Hugs from Minnesota…
darcie’s last blog post..Family Photographs…
It really sucks. I’m so sorry.
Elle’s last blog post..marriage-love
I can’t believe it’s June. I can’t believe it’s been (almost) 8 weeks. I can’t believe any of this is real, still.
As always, I’m sending huge amounts of love your way.
And June? Is going to be the month we start something amazing in Maddie’s name. A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.
AMomTwoBoys’s last blog post..BlogHer Bound
Thiking of you both.
Brie’s last blog post..Carey
All I can say is that from the standpoint of grief I understand not wanting to pass these milestones becuase the person you loved won’t be there for them. I felt exactly the same way when my Mom passed away. If I don’t go to sleep, it’s never tomorrow. It stays today and she lived today. I cried on New Year’s Eve the year she died because at least she’d been on this rock in 2007. She would never live in 2008 and it made her seem so far away.
I do really believe, though, that I’ve never stopped being connected to her or her to me. I feel her just around the corner all the time. Mom’s never stop being connected to their children. You and Maddie are no exception.
Jamie’s last blog post..Menu Plan Monday
I’m a June baby too. I’ve been announcing my birthday month to anyone in ear shot for as long as I can remember… I’m sorry that fun and that magic are gone for you Heather. I can’t fathom what you feel getting through an average day, let alone the special one’s that creep up; like your birthday.
Karen’s last blog post..Did you keep your receipt?
I haven’t lost a child, but I did lose my mother. I know, losing a mother is in the natural scheme of things, losing a child isn’t. So I’m not trying to compare. I do want to tell you that the first year is rough. Every holiday, every new month, just everything takes you back to the hurt. I remember about 3 months after my mom passed, we went to a festival and it was that evening I suddenly realized that I had gone maybe an hour without re-living my mother’s death over and over in my head. That was a big milestone.
Now, it’s three years later. The pain is much more subtle now, though I’d be lying if I said there aren’t times when it just comes out of nowhere. Sometimes, I think in a way, it’s harder now that all this time has passed because I can’t fool myself any longer that maybe it didn’t really happen. Not all the time, just sometimes.
I think you somehow find a compartment within yourself to contain the pain, but you move on, even though it is always there and will always be a part of you. This life is for the living, and those who are gone would not want their passing to be the defining point of our lives on this earth. This thought has kept me going more than a few times: My mom (your little girl) would not want me (you) to be sad forever.
I hope you find peace in this horrible situation. My heart and my prayers are with you both.
Yes I agree, I would not be interested in celebrating anything. Start making sure that the TV isn’t on all the time when Mike is home. You would be amazed how many commercials they have out there for Fathers Day. No one needs that. It is just not fair that M is not here as you turn 30. Please allow your heart to accept anything that your husband gives you. He must know that it will never be enough, but let him give you something or say something to you. As hard as it is for you, I am sure it is so difficult on Mike. Just think of the day as a 12 hour period that you need to get through. Go to bed early and let your friends be with you if you want. My birthday has never been the same since my husband died when I was 36, I am now 44. But this is with all holidays. Wish I could bring you comfort. But it helps to read this.
Deidre’s last blog post..Home Funerals
Susan A says:
My heart breaks for you and Mike every day. I wish I could bear some of your hurt. Hang in there, Heather!
Midwest Mommy says:
Midwest Mommy’s last blog post..I think they were trying to tell me something?
I send you hugs and prayers. I pray every day for just a a little relief to come into your heart. Just remember to keep breathing.
I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine how painful everyday without your beautiful girl must be. Lots of love.
Shauna’s last blog post..Remodeling
You are so right. Nothing is normal anymore. You have become an old soul overnight. You always will be. I remember, and this is horrible: waking up, as a child, the day after my father killed himself. Ijust laid in bed with my eyes open, thinking, “I gotta get up, this is my life, and I just have to get my body out of bed. ” I learned to talk myself through my whole days like that…just do one thing now, then the next.
You poor thing. I wish this wasn’t your life………..
Oh, I’m just so sorry! I totally understand that you don’t feel like celebrating–just do whatever feels right for you. Though I guess everything just feels wrong right now…
Jennifer’s last blog post..Grillin’ and Chillin’
I get a tiny taste of your anguish and yearning whenever I see a picture of Maddie or watch one of her videos. You already know that you guys have the love of your family, friends and reader-friends as you navigate the birthdays, holidays, anniversaries — all the landmines ahead. As the weeks become months, we are here, wanting badly to make the path easier. I suppose you will never stop trying to find a new “normal,” and we’ll never stop trying to hold you up along the way.
I wish Madeline could have touched the ocean and felt the wet sand squeeze through her little toes. Other commenters with more wisdom than me say it gets easier. I believe their kind words although my heart breaks when I think of what you and Mike must face each day. You may not throw a party on your thirtieth, but you will be spending your birthday with more people than you ever imagined possible. Because we will all be thinking of you.
((((HUGS)))) Thinking of you both.
Connie’s last blog post..Hurricane Season is Here – Are You Prepared?
nic @mybottlesup says:
i’m sorry heather. i know birthdays are so special for you, because on my birthday i walked for maddie and you made a point to thank me for it. i’m sorry that you will have to experience your birthday without her. i’m sorry that you will have to experience her birthday without her…. mike’s birthday without her.
i will honor you and your strength on your birthday, even if you are in bed with the sheets pulled up to your chin.
i will celebrate you.
nic @mybottlesup’s last blog post..can’t do it
The Glamorous Life Association says:
No day will ever be the same. You are forever changed. Joy will come, but always with a bitter aftertaste of sorrow.
If I could I would take the pain away……
I am so sorry for your loss.
The Glamorous Life Association’s last blog post..Still.
Thinking of you on your birthday and father’s day, I can’t imagine the hearache. Always in my thoughts and prayers.
Courtney in New York
Courtney’s last blog post..Let the weekend commence!
No. Nothing is normal. I’m sorry.
Trish’s last blog post..Chuck E Cheese is not …
I broke down reading this! I can not imagine loosing a child.
To be able to nourish such a special joy in your belly and holding your little princess in your arms for the very first time. To be able to look into her eyes and say, “she is mine”. What a joy!
I pray that your gloom of sorrow can blaze like the sun on one of these hot summer days!
Please excuse me for leaving a comment on your blog and you don’t even know me. However, I felt like I had to say something…
There is nothing to say that will make you feel any better Heather, so all I can do is send you and Mike BIG A$$ HUGS, love and a lot of light. Hang in there Mama, Maddie will be there to give you that birthday kiss, you just need to sit still for a moment & it’ll be there, right on your cheek, like a soft breeze. She’s there. Xoxoxo
Cheryl’s last blog post..What Do I Miss About Cali?
Hugs. . .
Ohhh Sweetie….No profound words of wisdom. Today…from one mommy to another….just tears of sorrow. I’m so sorry. I’m just so, so sorry! Sending you warms hugs and a shoulder to cry on.
Your Stranger Friend,
I’m so sorry. Your daughter is just lovely, that video is precious! As I don’t even know you, but have heard your story, I’m inspired by your love of motherhood. I won’t be taking any more days for granted with mine. I just wanted to say you’re in my prayers.
Amazing Greis says:
My heart still breaks for you, Mike and the entire Spohr/Buchanan family! You continue to be in my thoughts EACH.AND.EVERY.DAY.
(((hugs))) to you.
Amazing Greis’s last blog post..16 things…
I wish you had Maddie kisses and hugs from her galore right now, that she was right there with you, to celebrate with you and Mike this month. Wish wish wish, I and everyone else has done a lot of that. I hope it brings one teensy grain of comfort. That is another wish.
Internet hugs and kisses: xoxo
Alison’s last blog post..Eeeevil
Your words are heavy and so full of pain. I think about you and Mike all the time. The burden you carry in your heart fills me with tears. It’s not fair, it will never be fair yet you must move one, you must grow and you must celebrate that birthday of your life. The celebrations in life will always be difficult but the 1st are always the worst. May God give you strength during this unbearable journey.
Debby’s last blog post..On the seventh day she rested…..
Katie in WI says:
I’m so sorry for all of this. There’s just no sense in it.
Thinking of you, as always.
god, heather, i am so sorry. this variety of hell, you do not deserve it. i think of maddie daily, and always send my wishes and prayers for comfort your way.
It’s not normal. There’s nothing normal about grief and loss and Maddie not being there to kiss you on your birthday. I’m sorry. Love.
anymommy’s last blog post..Right Back at You
Heather, my father passed away the year I turned 30. And I’m now 37. As 30 approaches, you think, “UGH, 30! I’m getting old! ” But when I talk about 30 now, I say that it was the best year of my life. In that same sentence I say, “Yes, my father passed away that year…” and as I’ve mentioned before, I had the honor of being there by his side as he took his last breath.
Yesterday I went to watch my friends run the Rock N’ Roll Marathon here in San Diego. I ran it back in 2001. I was never a runner, always just jogged a little, but I challenged myself to train for it, raise money for The Leukemia Society, and run 26.2 miles! What? Who the hell was I to think I could do that? I did it! Injured and all.
As I stood on the side lines yesterday, waiting for my friends to run by, I chatted with a couple of total strangers. One of the girls said, “I could never do that. It looks so painful.” It brought me back to the journey I took several years ago. I told her, “Yes, you can, if you trained for it. It’s not such a physical journey, but rather a mental one. One that you continually tell yourself “I can do it.” You really have to push yourself through every bit of the way and every bit of the pain. Keep this simple phrase in mind as you struggle through your days, “Inch by inch, it’s a sinch!”
Even though life totally F’in sucks right now, continue to have hope that it can and it will get better. You can do it!
God bless you today and always!
more hugs. I don’t know how you feel but I think of you often and hope you find peace.
sherry pyle says:
I’m sure this is a very hard time for you, and I only wiah there was something we all could do to make it better.
Know you are surrounded throughout the U.S. by those of us who care about you.
Life can be so hard but thankfully we get a new chance each morning. Just be kind to yourself as you endure these days.
My thought and prayers go with you.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter with us all.
May God bless you and help your heart heal. You will forever be able to cherish Maddie’s wonderful life and the amazing time you had together.
(((hugs))) Always thinking of you.
You are not alone. I (we all) remember you and Mike and your Maddie all the time.
robyn’s last blog post..I Want…
april in NJ says:
Nothing to really write since I can’t imagine your grief and sadness… but know that Maddie will be with you… just not physically. Though I’m sure that offers no comfort, she’s there, all the time in your memories. Sending much love to you and Mike. I hope he’s ok… we haven’t heard much from his blog… sending much love and hugs from NJ.
Maddie is still with you and I know she will celebrate your birthday with you. And I know she will give you your birthday kiss, Im sure of it.
Every time I read your new posts .. I see Maddie sitting on your lap as you write (like in the pictures youve posted of the two of you in front of your computer) I see her sitting with you .. placing her hands on yours as you type, looking up at you and kissing your face and wiping your tears. Maddie will always be with you.
I came across your blog through a friend’s just few days fater little maddies passing. I have been reading it every day since. Oh heather, I really don’t know what to say. You and your husband are in my mind all the time. I wish I could do something to ease your pain. I showed beautiful Maddies pictures and videos to my my kis on Friday night, they were really sad. I just want to share with you what they told me.
My son ( age13) : ” Wow mom, she has got the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen.
My Daughter ( age 7): as she was trying to hold back tears: ” is she really gone?
are you sure?” she saw your picture, then she looked at me with tears in her eyes saying: ” Her mom is really pretty too, we should tell her not to be very sad because when its time she will see her baby in heaven, and they can be together forever” I jsut had to let you know. Heather you and your husband and your little Maddie are in the heart of millions and we are all prying for you.
On Mother’s day here what I did . I hold my daughter in may arms and sang this song for you and Maddie. It is a Kurdish song, I tried to do my best to translate it
well, Unfortunately, my english is not very good.
my heart is your home
for years I have been longing to see you
on top of the mountain
i will wait for you
filled with sadness and sorrow
my beautiful princess
come to door steps of my heart
it is open before you
it is ruined without you
my heart is your home
for years i have been longing to see you
on top of the montain
i will wait for you
filled with sadness and sorrow
I am waiting for you
if you come
you will see how much i love you
I will give my life for you
my heart is your home
for years I have been longing to see you
on top of the mountain
i will wait for you
filled with sadness and sorrow.
you can see the song on utube, under Mali delem by Liela Fairqi
I pray that god gives you and Mike strength to go through this rough time.
From one Mom to another.
I am so sorry. I can only offer you my prayers and wish I could take away some of your pain. Maddie is beautiful, hold her in your heart.
sparklytosingle’s last blog post..Reading List Help!
As I sit here with a lump in my throat, I’m sending you hugs and as many positive vibes I can muster.
I know that nothing anyone can say will help heal the hole in your heart. As always thinking about you, Mike and Maddie and sending quick prayers that God may bring solace and peace even if it’s in small doses.
I have been reading your posts and am so sorry for your loss. You make me look at my boys everyday in a different way than I used to before. I don’t get angry over the silly stuff and instead feel blessed everyday for them.
Your daughter is beautiful…oh those eyes. You have so many beautiful pictures of her and I can see from the short videos what a full spirit she had!
We share a birthday month and I can understand not wanting to celebrate…but Happy birthday to you soon.
I wish there was a way to turn back time and just make everything better. Your words, as always, are so compelling and make me hurt inside for you (if that makes sense).
I like the lyrics to that song a few posts up.
I hope this month does bring you moments of joy – and that looking at the world through Maddie’s eyes will bring you some lightness and smiles.
Happy birthday month!
Heather, You are so inspiring. Please try and take comfort in knowing that just by sharing your thoughts, you are making me a better mother. Often its so easy to get caught up in the day to day crap and get frustrated and annoyed with your kids. I will always stop myself now when that happens and think of your precious Maddie and you and your family. Lots of hugs, love, and prayers.
Courtney’s last blog post..Hey hey hey…goodbye!
I am sure that when you wake up on the day of your birthday you will hear Maddie’s beautiful laugh in your heart and that this will be her gift to you. I hope that you can look at this day as a little celebration in itself, something for you, on your day.
You and Mike are in my thoughts.
I like what Rebecca said: There will be happy times again.
I hope your day gets easier. I’ve never met you guys but you, mike and maddie have touched my life. She’s a beautiful little girl and I know from your posts about her she would want you to be as happy and full of life as her! Until you get back to that place I will pray for you and your family to have peace and relief from what I am sure is the unrelenting pain of heartbreak. And happy birthday from one june birthday girl to another. I also like to celebrate my birthdays as you have in the past!
Words fail me, I know there are no words to take away your pain and your longing for your sweet, sweet, Maddie. I’m so very, very sorry for your loss. Tears are streaming down my face reading this post. I feel your pain, yet of course I know that what you feel is so, so much more painful. I am so moved by your story and am so helpless. What I can do though is to let you know that I (your stranger friend in Luxembourg) am thinking about you and am telling people all about your beautiful Madeline and all about her amazing parents. Today, its a bank holiday here in Luxemburg, during a BBQ with friends, my friends and I had one minute’s silence for your beautiful Madeline. I told my friends your story and we all wanted to have a moment of silence to honour your Madeline and to send all our positive thoughts and best wishes to you, her Mum, and to all her family and friends. Heather, please know that even stranger friends in lands as far away as Luxemburg are thinking of you and your family.
You are in my thoughts, dear Heather.
With love from
Your stranger friend, Erica in Luxembourg
I’m so sorry she’s not here to celebrate your birthday. :0( I love that you continue to celebrate Maddie’s life by writing about her daily. She was a very happy child who brought joy to anyone who met her, whether in person or via your blog. I knew her only through your blog. Remember that without you Maddie never have been here. You are her Mommy. Forever and ever.
Sandra’s last blog post..Things the kids say
amy h says:
I wish I could take the hurt away. I cry every time I read your blog. It is so obvious how much you love Maddie and how much she loved you. I can’t stand that you are going through this. I wish that I could just take some of the hurt away….
amy h’s last blog post..Long Weekend = Long Post. But You Already Knew That, Didn’t You
Oh, my heart breaks right now for your family…all over again. I am praying for your family and the strength you need to make it through this! ((HUGS))
Amy’s last blog post..My Favorite Zesty Chicken Marinade
Redneck Mommy says:
Skjel died three weeks after I turned 30.
I’ve long said that the thirties will always be my worst decade.
I’m right here with you.
Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..Motivational Mommy
June 3 is the day my dad passed away. June 13 was his birthday and my parents wedding anniversary. June is Father’s Day. June burns me in the deepest ways.
June sneaks up on me out of nowhere every year. I never see it coming until it is the last week of May and suddenly too late to turn back.
June hurts me in a place so deep no one else sees it. And it hurts me in a way nothing else hurts.
I wish I could take this from you. Because I know how much it hurts for me, so I cannot fathom what you are feeling.
You have so much love from me, Heather. So, so much.
Insta-mom’s last blog post..The first test I’m glad I failed
I’m so sorry. My mother’s heart is hurting for you. You are an amazing woman and mother. It is evident that you pour your whole heart and soul into loving Maddie and treasuring her. That is your normal – which has inspired many, like myself.
Paola Mork says:
I continue to pray for you and Mike, in fact you will be in my prayers ALWAYS!
Though I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you to have to “celebrate” with out your Maddie, remember that she absolutely adores you and she gets to see you every day and she will be celebrating for you and Mike! She is your angel and your angel will always protect you, she will help you get stronger, she will hold your hand through the most difficult times, she will always be there for you even if you cant see her- On your birthday your 30th, look up to her and ask her for strength for the next decade, but do what ever you need to do, dont feel like you have to do things at all. Again, I will pray for you Always…
Lady Lemon says:
Damn. I’m so sorry, Heather.
Lady Lemon’s last blog post..It’s tha Freakin’ Weekend
Lindsay from Florida says:
Not normal. Not fair. Not right. I am forever sorry. Your birthday present from me (and Mike’s Father’s Day present) will be a donation to the March of Dimes in Maddie’s name. I know that does not come close to a kiss from that precious little girl. But it will celebrate Maddie and her AMAZING parents in the best concrete way I can think of. It will be done with joy for her life and sorrow for her loss. Prayers and hugs, always.
Emilie @ Doritos for Dinner says:
Hi Heather — we haven’t met, but I found you thru the Momminitup girls, who are friends of mine in the real world. I just read your story for the first time last week, and I just want to say my heart breaks for you.
If you haven’t read it, I recommend Joan Didion’s “The Year of Magical Thinking.” It’s a wonderfully honest memoir about the first year after a loved one’s death.
You’re in my thoughts.
Doritos For Dinner
Emilie @ Doritos for Dinner’s last blog post..There’s a word for that
Sending you hugs, my friend.
Maura’s last blog post..That Last Step Is A Doozy
I know you hear this all the time but I am so so so so terribly sorry. It is so unfair that you can no longer hold your little girl in your arms. It is so unfair that the one thing you want for your birthday, nobody can give you. But while you can’t physically hold her, you’re still holding her in your heart and in your mind. Maddie will live forever in a sense because there are so many people who will never allow her to be forgotten.
Hi Heather…thinking of you and sending you hugs! wishing you a happy birthday! XO
There’s nothing I can say to make you feel better. I’m thinking of a line in one of my favorite movies, Sleepless in Seattle. How you have to get up every morning. Breathe in and out.
My love and prayers go to you and Mike. Many hugs and good wishes your way.
jenni williams says:
Its just so freaking unfair. I really wish Maddie was here for your Birthday and everyday for the rest of your life. And tho she is not here physically, her spirit is with you always. Go touch the ocean for her. Wake up everyday and find something new in her place. I know because of you and Maddie, I hug my boys even tighter and take every moment as a gift.
When we lost Kai, every tiny thing we did, I thought, “Kai will never do this.” And it tore me up, I think its a normal part of grief and loss.
I pray that it gets a bit easier everyday.
jenni williams’s last blog post..Get to Old Navy ASAP
I do not know you but I love you! The love that you have for your sweet Maddie pours out through you words and I appreciate you sharing that with strangers. I planted purple flowers in my garden this year and I think of you & Mike & Maddie when I see them. You are making me a better Mom. I have much more patience and I am taking many more photos because of you. Thank you for sharing your wonderful daughter with me.
Patricia Dolan says:
I’m sending love to you and Mike. Madeline is a beautiful spirit. When I have my daughter I am seriously considering naming her Maddie in honor of your beautiful girl.
Wishing you peace, every day.
Heather’s last blog post..YOU
Sometimes I have a lot to say. Today I just want you to know that I came by, saw this post, and kept my heart entwined in here.
Della’s last blog post..Not ME! Monday, June 1 Edition
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
Just wanted to send some love
Domestic Extraordinaire’s last blog post..I go from crazy to shampoo in 6.5 seconds flat
I will continue to pray for you and Mike, especially this month since it will be particularly difficult. It’s all I can do….I’m so sorry I have nothing more to offer you….
It’s not fair.
Lindsey’s last blog post..Summer colds and wiener shirts
It’s your turn next. As soon as June hits I think of your birthday, too. I cannot imagine not celebrating your big day, but completely understand why you don’t want to acknowledge the day or celebrate. You ARE the birthday girl no matter what # birthday it is. It just isn’t right to not celebrate your birthday, but nothing is right anymore & as you said nothing is normal…if you change your mind even for a split second, I am ready to celebrate with you…I know Maddie would love for you to have a great party…she lit up the room at parties just like her mommy.
Thinking of you, and hoping you find some peace as the days pass. Your child will never be forgotten.
I’m still checking on you every day. Here, and on Twitter. I still care every single day how Heather is doing. Just wanted you to know that.
Val’s last blog post..Guadalupe River Part 2
dysfunctional mom says:
I wish I knew what to say, to make it feel even a tiny bit better. Just know that even people like me who never met Maddie but followed her life through the blog, still think of her and miss her EVERY DAY.
dysfunctional mom’s last blog post..Not Me! Monday – If NOT ME….Who?
Amanda/Baby A says:
I’m sending so much love to you right now. *Looooove* Can you feel it? Here’s another try *Loooooooooove*
I think of you, Mike, and Maddie everyday.
Random post: I wanted to share this with you Heather. For about the last 5 months my 3 year old daughter’s favorite color has always been green. Never has she waivered! The other day when I picked her up from preschool she stated “Mama, my favorite color is purple”. Right out of the blue. Immediately I thought of your Maddie. She has since gone back to green as quickly as she went to purple
You see, even in the little things in life of strangers, your daughter will never be forgotten. I, like sooo many others, think of her throughout our day. And when I do think of her, it puts a big smile on my face to think about her fantastic smile! Much love to you, Mike and of course Maddie.
My heart aches for you. I don’t think there is anything I can say to make the pain disappear. Please note you are in my thoughts and prayers. Your daughter will never be forgotten. You have touched me so deeply with her story. Try to enjoy the month by remembering that you are lucky one to have been chosen to be her mommy. You will always be her mommy. And for that, you are blessed.
Jolene’s last blog post..
I talked to my mom about you, as you and I are only 3 years apart in age. See, my mom lost my older brother when he was 1 day old. A complication at the hospital, it was the doctor’s fault. (She was bleeding, they thought it was her, it was my brother.) It’s been 31 years since he passed. She told me to tell you that it does get easier in time, it takes lots of time. But it will get easier and the hurt will lesson. Not a day goes by that she doesn’t think of him, and she is very sad on his birthday, but we all know he was loved for his short time here. You too will heal. And because she was such a special girl, none of us will forget her. I send my love to you, my friend across the coast. And know that I am thinking of you.
I am so sorry Heather! I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers!
I wish I could find words to make this any less awful for you. Since I know I can’t, please know you, Mike, and certainly Maddie remain in my thoughts. Wishing you even a little peace on your birthday.
*lump in throat*
I’m so sorry, Heather.
I sit hear wanting to say so much, but just feeling completely speechless and not able to string my thoughts together. I think of you and Maddie and Mike often, I hope that what others say is true, I hope that one day hopefully sooner than later there will be happy moments again.
Therese’s last blog post..The Misconception About Working From Home
“a new decade without her.” Oh my God, Heather, my heart. ((hugs))
Haley-O’s last blog post..My New Job: Finally, the Big Reveal — Meet bTrendie.com!
Oh, Heather, I wish I could give you a kiss from Maddie for your birthday. Life isn’t supposed to be like this and I wish it wasn’t like this for you.
Much love and many hugs. I’m thinking of you and Maddie always.
Lisa’s last blog post..Cough Remedies for Toddlers
So sorry.. I hope you and Mike each do WHATEVER feels right on your ‘special’ days. Whatever that may be. Hugs from BC Canada.
i’m sorry. so so sorry. ((hugs)) for your birthday and everything else.
MommyNamedApril’s last blog post..The Haircut Heard ‘Round the World
I spent time with my friend this weekend. She is months into losing her son, and his birthday is fast approaching. Her and her hubby are grieving at different paces and there seems to be some distance there. I am not sure how life ever routines to normal. I guess a new normal starts. So you don’t make a big deal about your birthday…your soul will let you know what you need. Seems like you just need to be right now and there is nothing wrong with that. Let your birthday just be another day for everyone who cares about you to let you know how special you are to them. I wish for you to have the sweetest dream of your angel for your birthday so you can feel a little closeness again. I’m sorry for your sadness and I pray for peace for you.
I was reading your blog tonight, and tears started streaming down my face. I said to my husband, “I just cannot do it anymore I cannot read her blogs because it breaks my heart because there is nothing I can do for them.”. He is rarely outspoken about my blog fascination. He said, “You have to keep reading, you have to support her by commenting, and reading her stories.”. I said, “But she is so depressed without her Maddie, and I feel so bad”. He reminded me how you feel a million times worse than anyone that reads your blog. Then with the next move I made myself click on your video from yesterday showing Maddie laughing. We both smiled, and laughed are her squeals, and he said, “It could happen to Jude, and you know it………you follow every post she writes, and you comment on EVERY post she writes. You relish in the days this baby had with her and support her along the way.”. Kind of bowled me over my husband was so interested. He must really feel for you guys………….
Jennifer’s last blog post..A crazy weekend
At least your not 40????
merlotmom’s last blog post..Give Me The Grateful Life – Monday
I am so sorry for you. But, and I can’t possibly know your life, I think you need to start a different blog. You’re picking your scabs. There will be many things Maddie will never know. But you will, and your husband will, and your other children will.
Find a date, shut this one down, and start another one. It’s sad, it’s hard, and it will be time.
It’s been 8 weeks! Are you kidding me? She’s in pain. Obviously you’ve never had a child or a heart!
Redneck Mommy says:
Belinda, unless you have had the experience of losing a child (and I have) I think you ought to keep your ill-informed opinions to yourself.
It may seem like picking a scab to you, but to Heather and Mike they are merely working through the myriad of complex emotions swirling around them since the unexpected passing of their child.
I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you aren’t being malicious, you are just ignorant to the devastation one endures when losing a child.
But never, NEVER tell a grieving parent to find a date and get over it.
That is just rude and ignorance at it’s finest.
Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..Shaking My PomPoms 2.0
Maddie died only two months ago. That isn’t enough time for a scab to appear let alone to be picked at. I’m assuming you’ve never gone through anything like this…if you had you wouldn’t tell someone it is time to move on after just two months. In any event, there is no need to shut down this blog…it is about our lives, and right now our lives are about how we mourn and honor our daughter. One day there will be posts about happier things, but that will come in their own time.
Mike’s last blog post..My Sweet Baby
Heather, lovely love. What do you say to going out, getting trashed, doing some dancing, and talking some good old trash about trolls on your blog?
You want it, we’ll round up the girls and make that shit happen.
Miss’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – Encinitas
Heater, your beautiful, sweet angel girl will always be here in some sense to celebrate with you. One of my closest friends lost her father a few years ago, and whenever the sun shines through the clouds on an overcast day, she calls it her daddy’s smile. I truly believe Maddie will give you things like that remind you that even through all this pain, there can be beauty in this world. Keep the faith.
Also, just from reading what’s been written here and on his blog, Mike had to be the best daddy there ever was. Even if Maddie Moo can’t be here to celebrate, the wonderful, incredible job he did as her father should be celebrated at every opportunity.
Belinda, there is so much I want to say to you. But I’m kind of angry so I’ll keep it short and to the point.
Where in this post did Heather ask for your opinion about anything? Oh, she didn’t. So, really, you should keep your opinions about how she should grief or what she should do with this blog to yourself.
Y’s last blog post..I was embarrassed to post this, but then I thought "It is what it is and I am who I am."
I don’t want to add to the negativity, but I have something to say.
Look, Belinda is hiding for a reason. She knows that she is a huge asshole with a large dose of ugly karma coming her way and she didn’t want to invite it through our emails. Don’t worry, she’s going to get it all the same.
Belinda, should you ever care to be a decent or respectable person, SIGN YOUR POSTS and make yourself available. Otherwise you’re just someone with a baseless opinion which you care to flash around with a really distasteful superiority.
Do us all a favor and STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM Heather. Those of us who love her are taking care of her, Mike and this beautiful, inspirational, personally-life-changing blog.
(see? easy! called ‘having a spine’)
Jessica (@It's my life...) says:
I wish there was a way to get you that kiss for your birthday. I really, really do. Maddie will be watching you and celebrating with you, and we’ll all be here cheering you on too. It won’t be the same. It never will. But maybe it’ll help a tiny bit.
Forget the Belindas* of the world. As long as you keep talking about Maddie I’ll be here reading and loving her along with you. And long after you feel the need to stop writing about her she’ll still be here with all of us. Just because she’s not here in person, doesn’t mean she’ll ever stop existing for any of us.
*I obviously have nothing against the name Belinda, just the people who have issues with parents grieving for a lost child.
Jessica (@It’s my life…)’s last blog post..Turns out we need a whole new kind of scale
Heather, I love you. I wish I could protect you from the not so nice things some people say. I like to believe that they have good intentions, I really do. But even so, I just wish people would think long and hard about how their words could impact you before they hit publish.
love love you.
Belinda, if you don’t like what you read here, you are welcome to stop visiting Heather’s site any time.
Writing is cathartic for most people. Obviously something you do not understand.
Also, please go fuck a duck now. That is all.
Bless you, god I wish it could be different. I am so sorry.
I have read your blog a bit since learning of your loss. My heart has felt heavy and I’ve wanted to show my support. I haven’t known how. I do not know how. I will say that I honor your path, as so many people do. I wish there were words, something. I send hugs, support, prayers, and a heart that stops, wants to take a bit of it, if I could.
jana’s last blog post..Crossroads
I’ve tried to take the high road here. Really. But …
Belinda, I’m sure you’re trying to be helpful. I’m sure your heart is in the right place. But perhaps your head would like to join it now.
This is Heather’s blog. She can write whatever she wants or needs to write, whenever she wants or needs to write it. Right now, she is obviously in pain. And that’s normal. She is reaching out and expressing her feelings, which is amazing and totally admirable; many people would have shut down completely by now, and I’m not sure emotional stuffing is the healthiest option – where you hide it away until eventually, you explode.
Grief is a process. Each person grieves differently. And it’s not really your place to give advice to Heather on how she should express herself, how she should grieve, or how long she should continue to mourn. She’s lost a child. It’s unbearable. She’ll feel what she feels, and if she wants to write about it, then she should.
Thanks for caring about Heather and Mike, as I’m sure you do. It’s nice that you’re trying to help. I just don’t think they need advice about how to grieve; they’re living it. I hope you never have to go through the hell they’re living. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Trish’s last blog post..Chuck E Cheese is not …
Keep on blogging, Heather. Get your feelings out however you need to, and don’t let anybody tell you when it is time to stop licking your wounds… Personally, I don’t think it will EVER be time close this down and start a new blog… Agree with your wonderful husband – this is about your lives, and this is what is happening in those lives right now… It is still so fresh and painful. Ignore the trolls…
I will never stop reading what you have to say. In a way it feels a lot like rubber necking – I can’t help but look, but I certainly take no pleasure in your pain. So much of me wants to offer you support and love, and the rest is grateful for the life lesson on appreciating every single moment. I would give anything to remove the experience that you had to go through to show me, though… It is so unfair.
It’s kind of funny (in a non-happy funny kind of way) how protective I feel over you, having never met you but feeling like you would have been a really good friend if we’d lived in vaguely the same quadrant of the earth and had the opportunity to meet… I feel so angry on your behalf for the words of the emotionally void Belinda. There’s much I’d also like to say, but instead I’ll try not to feed the trolls.
Hugs Heather and Mike. The majority of us love and appreciate you, no matter what you are going through.
Kelly’s last blog post..One is better than none, right?
Heather and Mike, I am so very sorry for all of the pain that you are and will continue to go through! I know it is all so hard, but even though it is nowhere near the same, I know Maddie is with you and experiencing all of this, just in a different way. I hope you can feel her presence always. As for this Belinda person, she’s an effing idiot. Hopefully she reads the comments so she can see how everyone feels about her retarded opinion. Um, lets see, if she doesn’t want to read what you write here’s a thought, she could just not read it? Brilliant! Also saying nothing would suffice, I think! For those of us who CARE about you and CARE about what you write, well we will just keep checking in and following you on twitter, right? Take care, healing will come, albeit slowly.
Patty’s last blog post..It has begun!
To Belinda: I really want to tell you how sorry I feel for you, because apparently somebody really beat the crap out of you with the Stupid Stick. I mean seriously. I seems they’ve done some damage to your empathy as well. You know, that could indicate damage to your hippocampus, so you should consider having that looked at. But before you do, take good long look in the mirror, and repeat: “Don’t say stupid things about things I don’t understand.”
To Heather: June is my birth month also. Usually I ignore my birthday. This year I’m flat out boycotting in honor of you. (Unless Liz has certain expectations; who am I to deny her?)
Ben’s last blog post..Golden Boy Catches a Dinosaur
I just want to chime in to say that I, too, think Belinda can suck it. I will never understand what it is that possesses some people to offer such lame “advice” to others. How can you put a time limit on grief? For your child?
I come here frequently to check in on you. Because I’m pulling for you. Willing you strength and love to get through this. And I think of your family every single day. Because I am inspired by all of you. Inspired to be a better mom, a better wife, a better, more appreciative person. Inspired to get off my butt and go to the gym. Seriously, when I want to quit, I think of Maddie, and it gets me through every time.
And birthdays? This October, mine will be spent at an MoD March for Babies. And I’ll be wearing purple, walking in honor of your girl.
Fiesty Charlie says:
You I adore and all I can say is I am here for you in any way you need me to be. You do what you need to do, write what you need to write and the rest will fall into place as it is meant to fall in place.
All the standard sayings used during a time of grief sound shallow and hollow to me, and I can’t even write them to you. They have all been said over and over and I can add nothing new there.
What I can say is that grief has its own agenda and it will tug you, pull you and push you in directions you never thought possible. It will twist you inside out and wring you dry. Then, it will decide if it is going to do it all again.
All you can do is hold on for the ride and see where you land.
When you do land, even if it is for a minute or two, you have a real soft place to fall. You are loved by so many people, from all over the world, and we are all here to walk with you, catch you and hold you up if you can’t stand on your own.
In laughter, in tears, in joy and in pain, with words or in total silence, you are but a click away from us and we will be for as long as you need us to be.
Your words mean something, your experience is silently helping someone you may never meet, and as much as it totally fucking sucks that the universe picked you and Mike to be the ones to lose a child, there is something in it that none of us will understand that is destined to work a miracle one day, when it is needed most.
I believe it to be true, because the miracle of Maddie’s life proves it. She inspired people and will continue to do so, because miracles are not forgotten
Keep writing, whether it is on your blog, or in private. You are the only person who can determine what you need. If I can do anything, all you have to do is ask….
In my heart, my prayers and thoughts,
Well, Happy Birthday (early) anyway, and I hope you are able to find enough joy in it to continue your healing process.
LiteralDan’s last blog post..I think I’ve broken my kid
Belinda- You obviously have NO idea about the grief process. I have written a few articles on grief (and grief etiquette) that I would gladly send you. (Am a grieving momma, too)
Otherwise? Keep such hurtful opinions to yourself.
Belinda and Sue must be friends — or perhaps the same person? Hmmm. Seriously, though, what’s the deal on that comment? Wow.
Heather, for what it’s worth, I think you and Mike are doing an amazing job processing your grief. I think it’s healthy to write about it, and I think you are incredibly gracious to share your words and your memories of Maddie with all of us.
I wish so badly that Maddie were here to enjoy this June gloom we have been having. I wish she could help you blow out your birthday candles. And I’d give all the money in our family’s savings if she could be here with Mike on Father’s Day. I’d give even more than that — I’d take out a second on our mortgage if I had to. Just anything to get her back here with you guys. It’s so darn unfair. So unfair. We are not in control, no matter how much we wish we were. Life is just like that. Sometimes it’s great, and then sometimes it just really, really sucks.
And here it is past midnight so that means another Tuesday is here. I seriously hate Tuesdays now. They just remind me all the more…
I’m sorry this comment isn’t more uplifting. I’m just pissed mixed with sad right now. I hate that you are going through this. I hate that you are forced to continue on in life without your daughter. I hate that your new normal is such torture right now. I do believe that one day your new normal won’t feel as awful as it is right now. I know you will have joy again one day, in this new normal. You will.
((((Thinking of you guys always.))))
@ Belinda – Its looong process, to mourne and grieve. And it hurts really bad…Heather and Mike are grieving their beautiful daughter please respect that. And it looks like that you dont really know what profound intense grief and loss is?? Empathy is virtue….
Childwoman’s last blog post..Happy deal.
My boss says stupid stuff like Belinda. She has a huge heart, but is lacking a filter between her brain and her mouth. I know she doesn’t intend to sound mean and malicious. Let’s hope Belinda was just typing without truly thinking…
As always you are in my thoughts! Thank you for sharing Maddie with us! She really has had a huge impact on my heart and life.
Belinda– SUCK IT!
Heather (and Mike) you blog about whatever comes to mind– Grief is grief– it is messy and hard and devastating. Girl we will be there to hold you up. I can only repeat what others have said but hold your memories close and share them when you can. All those videos you share with us –That little angel is a wonder.
Always in my thoughts!
Katrina (the other one)
I can’t even imagine how hard it is to keep going. You are so brave. I am praying for you and Mike daily.
Hi Heather! As people always says. Maddie wouldn’t want to see you like this on your birthday. I know you don’t feel like celebrating just try to make the best out of it and smile for Maddie. She’ll be kissing you noon stop all day.
By the way when is your birthday? I would like to know. June is my bday, my daughter’s bday,my brothers, best frieds…so many special people in my life were born this month and I would like to add you to the list
heather – i think of you every day and will be thinking of you so much this month. xoxo
Paul / Palabuzz says:
It is really tough to loose someone who is close your heart. Time is the only one that could heal it and by sharing it to others you won’t be feeling alone.
Happy Birthday Heather!! It was my 28th birthday on the day you posted this….I know times are hard and birthdays are usually so special for us… Especially if you’re on the Gemini side of the line hehehe….None the less….I will celebrate for US this beautiful month of JUNE…..I will remember you with every cheers ….birthday wish ….and blessing…….Your life is to be cherished even in these hardest of times….You are beautiful….You are strong…YOU are to be celebrated…!!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEATHER!!!