Dear Madeline,
Today you have been gone for as many days as you lived. I’ve been dreading this day for a while now, and I’ll be honest baby, mommy is hurting.
If you were here, you would be 1,018 days old, just two months shy of three years old. What would you be like? It’s getting harder to imagine you. You’d look so different…you’d have all your teeth, your hair would be long, you’d be taller. What would your voice sound like? What kinds of things would you say?
I see siblings interact with each other and I ache for you and Annabel. Your sister is such a funny girl. Sometimes when she makes a silly face or noise I turn to look at your reaction, expecting you to be there laughing with me. I still expect you to be there all the time. Of all the things you’re going to miss out on in life, the relationship you and your sister would have had hurts the most. I so wish I could see you two grow up together, playing, laughing, fighting, loving and hating and hugging each other. I had a built-in best friend in my sibling, and you two should have each other. It’s so unfair.
I had you for five hundred fourteen days. It just wasn’t enough time. And now I sit here five hundred fourteen days after you left us and I’m wondering if it’s all a big trick. Sometimes I tell myself that you didn’t die, that maybe you were just kidnapped and you’ll be rescued and brought home to me. I imagine other scenarios where you aren’t dead, just somewhere else, and at any moment you could come through my door. I just can’t accept that you’re gone. I can’t bear it. There has to have been some mistake.
Today your sister and I will spend the day looking at ducks and watching cartoons. She loves to see videos of you, so I’ll show her some. She loves the ones where you dance and make noise. I love watching her face light up when you come on the screen. She squeals at the picture of you we have up in the hall. I tell her about her big sister all the time, and how much you love her. I know she loves you too.
Maddie baby, I miss you so much and I love you even more than that. I’m so scared of tomorrow, the five hundred fifteenth day without you. And then I’m scared of the five hundred sixteenth day, and so on. Every day without you is scary, but this threshold we are crossing makes you feel even farther away. All I want to be is close to you and we’re moving in opposite directions.
Most of all, please know that I think about you all the time. With every breath, with every sigh, when I blink and when I speak, you are on my mind. You always will be. You and your sister are everything to me. You are both entwined with my soul.
Please find a way back to me Sweet Moo. I love you and I’ll never stop needing you.
Love, Mama
Tori says:
(((hugs))) Thank you for sharing your heart with us all.
dysfunctional mom says:
I can’t believe it’s been that long.
I’m so glad you have pictures and video to share with Annie.
Thinking of you.
xoxo
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
My heart breaks all over again… sending you lots of hugs and love.
pamela says:
Oh this made me cry and cry and cry.
heart-shattering.
Much love
Kristine says:
I’m sorry Heather. Just so, so, so sorry. My heart goes out to you so much. I wrote a long comment and erased, realizing there’s I can say. But, know that I’ll be thinking of you.
joanne says:
Darling Heather, i have read your blog every day since i had my baby on the 30 March 2009, i have laughed, cried and mostly ached for you, i feel like i know you and your family so well, although I have never commented on your blog. I think about Maddie so often as i watch my first child grow and can’t comprehend what you have been through. As my son turned 17 months this last week i again thought of Maddie (it was a milestone for me because of your story) and now look at him and think about the time Maddie spent here, way, way too short! They are just too precious, you have made me hold him tighter and be more patient and love him every second – thank you for that i just wish it wasn’t so! Thinking of you all the way from Cape Town xx
Calleah says:
*hugs*
erika says:
heather, my heart is breaking for you today and every day you must live without your sweet madeline. ((((hugs))))) there are no words…sending you love and light.
xoxo,
erika
Katrina says:
I think it’s so wonderful that you have all those videos to share with Annabel. I bet when she dreams, she dreams of her big sister. They play together in her dreams…. I just know it.
catherine lucas says:
An empty heart can be extremely heavy…
Vicky says:
Every day is one day closer to heaven and one day closer to seeing our loved ones again.
I’m so sorry you have to live without her.
Christine says:
Oh Heather, my heart breaks for you guys. It is so unfair.
Karen says:
Oh Ow-ies. All over again and still I am so sorry.
Gemini-Girl says:
sigh…. the pain just never goes away does it?
The girls started pre school yesterday, and all I could think of was Maddie. You and she are NEVER far from my mind. you are both entwined in our souls.
Inge says:
Heather, I’m so sorry for your pain. Your writing is heartbreaking in its honesty. Thinking of you and Maddie, today and every day.
AmazingGreis says:
Lots of love to you today and always!! XOXO
Mary Ann says:
I’m so sorry that I can’t do more to help. My heart aches reading your posts. Maddie was such a beautiful girl, a little ray of sunshine whose spirit shines through in all her photos. I love her huge grin, gorgeous eyes, and those sweet. soft curls. I love the comment about Annie playing with Maddie in her dreams… I’m sure she does. I’m so happy you documented her life as much as you did, what a treasure for Annie. Sending you hugs and saying a prayer for your little angel today as always.
Jen says:
I’m so sorry. This post, maybe more than any other, has made me cry the most. I have no words. I hope you and Annie enjoy the ducks today.
Pgoodness says:
Love and hugs to you and mike today (and always).
Maddie’s monster was hanging out with me last night while I was cleaning the playroom…even her little stuffed dude makes me smile. All that to say that your sweet Madeline won’t be forgotten no matter the number of days.
Alexandra :) says:
Beautiful, Heather. Absolutely beautiful. I’m so, so sorry for you, Mike, Annie, and Maddie today. I can’t imagine what it must be like for you.
tonya says:
Love, hugs and prayers of peace and comfort for you.
Becky K says:
It just never gets any easier, does it? I hope you find comfort in Annie’s warmth today. Maddie is a beautiful little soul that has touched us all.
Tammy says:
Sitting at my desk crying over this beautiful, heartbreaking letter.
“All I want to be is close to you and we’re moving in opposite directions.” That sentence broke my heart. It all did, actually.
I believe she knows how much you love her. I also believe you will see her again.
Hugs to you.
Kim says:
Very touching words to your beautiful little girl. Wishing you loads of peace to get through the coming days. It’s all so unfair.
Hugs.
Stephanie says:
So sorry for your pain.
Vanessa says:
My heart is breaking for you and your entire family today. I can’t imagine what it feels like although you write so beautifully – it hurts. Sending hugs from Canada today and make sure you get sooo many hugs and cuddles from Annie today – how can you not smile when she looks at you?
Nellie says:
I don’t know the depth or intensity of your daily loss but I want you to know that I think about you often and am always sending up a prayer that you will always find comfort from family and friends and feel Maddie’s love for you in everything you do.
My daughter is going to be Alice in Wonderland this year for Halloween and the moment I decided, I thought of your Maddie and the importance and love with which you chose her middle name. I may have never met you or your daughter but you have greatly impacted my life and for that I am humbled and grateful.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Oh Heather, I so very much wish that Maddie was still here with you.
Adventures In Babywearing says:
Oh, my heart. Much love and prayers to you and Mike and Annie today and all days.
Love,
Steph
Jill says:
Your words are beautiful.
Maddie being gone is just so unfair. I continue to hope for peace and some sort of comfort for you and your family.
MS says:
I know we all wish so badly that there was something, ANYTHING, we could do to make this hurt less for you and your family. The collective power of the internet is strong, right? Not that strong, sadly. Instead I will tell you that I think about Maddie, you, Annie, Mike and your family often.
I too have a built in best friend in my sister. You’re right it is a wonderful gift to have. Sending you peaceful wishes and missing Maddie too.
Jessie says:
Hugs and strength to you today. She will find her way to you — my aunt sends me messages every once in a while, and though I am saddened that I cannot see her face to face, it is nice to know she is able to reach out to me.
Bridget says:
xoxoxoxo
Nikki says:
Loving you and your family, and sending you thoughts, dreams, wishes and reminders of Maddie every second, every hour, every day.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
Elizabeth says:
Sending you extra hugs and prayers today. Much love from KY
Tami says:
How hearts breaking and how this post brought tears to my eyes. It seems just like yesterday that she was taken away. I loved watching her on your post so I could see her with happy excitement. I miss her big smile and those big beautiful eyes. My heart breaks for you everyday. I wish I could put her back in your arms.. I really do!!
Hugs,
Jess says:
I wish I could give you a hug, you seem like you would give excellent hugs. Give an extra one to Annabel.
Kristin says:
Sending you much love today.
Jen says:
I had tears in my eyes reading your words and my heart breaks for your pain! I am sure Annie knows Maddie from all that you share with her and the angel that she is watching over her! I will never understand why a mom is allowed to feel such pain! It’s just so cruel and unfair! I am so sorry that you feel such pain and I wish as a mom my self that I could take it all way! I hope you can fill today with smiles and good memories. I hope you can look at Annie’s smile and know that she does know her sister and that forever she will be that angel that watches over all of you!
xoxo Jen
Barnmaven says:
{{{{hugs}}}}
Ms. Moon says:
Funny. I woke up thinking about Madeline this morning. You know what that means? She is still in all of our hearts, too.
Sending love.
J+1 says:
You and yours are in my thoughts.
Nicole says:
My heart aches for you. It is so very unfair. Sending you big hugs, and love from Missouri. Thanks for sharing Heather, praying for you all.
Louise says:
I can’t believe it’s been that long either.
My heart aches for you too
Daisy says:
Hug.
Lora says:
My thoughts and prayers are with you and Mike, today and every day.
Hamlet's Mistress says:
You write so beautifully for your oldest daughter. She may feel farther from you, but she’s always always with you.
HM
C says:
Come back Maddie. If love were enough, she’d be here.
Erin W says:
Absolutely, C!!!
Anna Marie says:
Hugs to you all on this heartbreaking day. But then, they are all heartbreaking, aren’t they.
Jenny says:
You are in my prayers, Spohr Family. I hope you’ll be graced with a sweet dream of your Moo tonight. Seeing your girl in your dreams would never be enough but I wish for you a sweet, peaceful dream of your daughter.
Deborah says:
I ache for you. I’m so, so sorry. Nothing more, just the prayer that you are able to find some peace in your day. Love you.
(((hugs)))
Kim says:
This day and tomorrow are hard, I know. You, Mike, Annie and Maddie are in my thoughts and prayers. It sucks, I know.
xoxoxoxo
ally says:
Oh Lou Lou. I was just thinking a couple days ago that this was coming…and my heart has been breaking for you and your family. I wish I could wrap you up in a hug today.
xoxoxo and all my love
Chantelle @ photo mommy says:
My heart hurts for you. =( Sending hugs your way.
aubrey says:
Oh Heather, my heart just aches for you. I wish I was close enough to hug you. Or just to talk and listen. Your Madeline is never far from my thoughts, I think of her every time I say my Madilynn’s name. I saw her picture on the Blog Her site yesterday and I smiled. I know how much she is missed by so many people. I wish there was more I could say to help but I know nothing will. I do believe though that she is missing you just as much and Annie and Mike. (((HUG)))
toastgal says:
I don’t know you personally but this is still breaks my heart that you are going through this and/or that any parent would have to experience a death of a child. I don’t know how you do it. It makes me cry too. *Hugs* to you.
Jamie says:
It is so unfair. I am so sorry.
Hoping you find peace–even for a moment.
marslo says:
This breaks my heart, Heather.
Wishing peace for you, Mike and your family.
Karen says:
From a stranger whose daughter also wore a Pebbles costume for her first Halloween and is now also 2 months shy of turning 3, I ache for you. Thank you for sharing your Maddie with us.
Jessica says:
Thinking and praying for you today and always, and sending lots of love and hugs your way today.
Krissa says:
((((Hugs))))
cjrymommy says:
Crying with you Heather. Sending lots of love and hugs to you, Mike, Annie and Maddie.
You’re amazing.
Love,
Jocelyn in the STL
Lisa_in_WI says:
I don’t know what to do other than send you a cyber-hug from a stranger all the way in Wisconsin. I can’t even imagine how I would deal with the highs and lows you’ve experienced over the past 514 days. Just know that I marvel at your strength, and am in awe of the love you have for your children.
Sarah in MT says:
My heart aches for you. You and Mike are never far from my thoughts. Lots of tight hugs, warm thoughts and comforting prayers for your beautiful family…always.
Jessica says:
Sending you all of my love Heather…….
Skye says:
You are such a good mommy. Maddie’s time here was short, but because of you, her love lives on. My heart aches for you and I wish so badly I could bring her back for you. Just know that, like all your readers, I am thankful you share Maddie with us and I always keep your family in my thoughts. Wishing you peace and comfort and hoping you have many happy memories of Maddie today.
angi says:
My heart is breaking for you today, for all of you. My mascara is also running. Hugs, peace and love for your beautiful, loving family.
Kristi says:
I wish there was a way to pray the days to reverse and to undo that horrid day. I’ve thought this many times. In fact, if I’m being quite honest, I’ve prayed that prayer more than once for you: that God would change the events of April 7 so that Maddie would live and we’d all wake up tomorrow with her here. I know that can’t happen but oh, how I wish that it could.
This post absolutely broke my heart. Instant tears. When my baby turned 17 months old, I thought of Maddie. I watch my daughter play and I marvel at her getting older. Sometimes, I wince inside because I think of you and realize you don’t have the sweetness of watching Maddie transform right before your eyes. That thought makes me hurt for you.
That picture of the empty swing next to Annie was heartbreaking to look at and I imagined how surreal it must be for you that everything is still there but Maddie isn’t. How can that be?!? I’m so sorry for you, Mike and Annie. As so many have said before, your strength amazes me.
Allie says:
I have read for a long time and enjoy reading your posts. This one made me ache. It made me tear up. I only know Maddie through your words and I miss her. I cannot even imagine the pain you go through each and every day. My thoughts are with you and your family, especially on hard days like today.
Liz says:
Dear Heather,
My heart aches for you, Mike and Annabel. It’s so unfair to have to hurt this way. Thinking of you all, especially your beautiful Maddie, and sending love your way.
Liz
Michele says:
Love and hugs, and a heart that is aching with you.
Rachel says:
I read your words over and over just hoping the next time I read them they will be different and Maddie would be here and playing with Annie. As a sister and a girl who knows loss I can tell you that the bond between sisters is remarkable no matter what form its in.
Nicole says:
Thank you for sharing these feelings. No one understands unless they have experienced a loss such as yours, but you are so articulate that it helps us to see how it must feel.
My throat aches and my eyes are burning and I’ll be thinking about you and Maddie all day. I wish you peace and sweetness all day. xoxoxox
Jannette says:
I am thinking of you and your family. It is a very sad day.
Angella says:
Oh, Heather. HUGS.
Melissa says:
Sigh, I wish I could take that day away. I wish Maddie were there with you too. Its so fucking unfair.
Kristin says:
I’m shedding tears with you now. Hugs to you and your family.
Marti from Michigan says:
Oh, I don’t know what to say………. other than I have fallen in love with the Spohrs and your whole family, Mike’s and your family too. I wish this had never happened. I saw this picture online of a puddle, and some words, and they are so appropriate: “I like to look in puddles. When I smile, they smile. When I laugh, they laugh……. and when I cry, they don’t mind getting wet.”
Love from rainy Michigan.
Sara C says:
Hey,
I read your blog from time to time and I’ve never written a comment but I thought of you yesterday when I was on a different blog, Design Mom. Then this morning, I saw this letter you had written and I just knew that maybe I should go ahead and send you this link to the post that made me think of you. You may have already seen it because I know a lot of you bloggers know each other and follow each others’ writing but just in case you haven’t seen it, here is the link:
http://www.designmom.com/2010/09/a-letter-to-her-baby-from-kara-carroll
I don’t have children yet and they’re not really in the plans for the near future but I hope to have children some day. I really started reading a couple blogs like yours because of the writing and photography. Despite not being in the same life place as you, your writing has still really touched my heart. I know that if I’m ever faced with similar experiences or I have a family member or friend who is, I will be better able forge and love my way through it because of your honesty in sharing. What you do has power and meaning. So, thank you. In case you don’t already hear it enough from others ; ) Thank you.
Nicole says:
I’m so sorry. Thinking of you today.
Alisha says:
My mom always tells me “until you have children you will never know the LOVE mamas have for their babies.” Sometimes I want to say “oh no, I do because I read Heather’s blog everyday and it’s is so intense and amazing the love she has for her girls, I can feel it.” You are an amazing mom and your words are so so beautiful. I am so so sorry. You are always in my thoughts. **sending lots of love and good vibes your way from Philly**
Kristen says:
wishing you many comforts today and tomorrow and every day forward…your maddie still lights up many lives, no matter how long it has been.
from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery: “And at night you will look up at the stars. Where I live everything is so small that I cannot show you where my star is to be found. It is better, like that. My star will just be one of the stars, for you. And so you will love to watch all the stars in the heavens… they will all be your friends… In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night.”
xo
kristen
Liz says:
Kristin says:
There are no words for your pain. Thank you for sharing this with us. And love and hugs.
Kayla N. says:
I am so so sorry Heather. Thinking of you today, with a little extra positive energy your way
Amanda says:
Your post today reminded me of the time when I realized that my son had been gone longer than he had lived. I’m so sorry Heather. Please know I’ll be thinking of you all today.
Marianne says:
Praying for you and your family, Heather. It is so obvious that Madeline is a special person — look at all the love people have for her, you, your husband, her sister.
Thank you for sharing this with all of us.
Katie in WI says:
What a difficult day this must be. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. Your words are beautiful, they are such a tribute to your daughters. Thinking of you and your family today.
Gale says:
Heather – Every day you and Mike live through pain that I cannot fathom. I wish strength and peace for you. I will hug my son extra tight tonight. And I will pray that Maddie comes to you in your dreams tonight. We all love you so much.
Rachel says:
Heartbreaking and beautiful. Nothing is more sacred than a mother’s love and devotion to her babies, and you communicate that exquisitely.
((((((hugs))))))
amanda says:
Love Maddie, and love you, Mike and Annie. xoxo
Lynn @ Walking With Scissors says:
Oh, honey. I’m so sorry.
Tara-Lynn says:
Heather…I read your blog all the time, and am constantly amazed by what an awesome Mom you are to your two girls. Your post today brought tears to my eyes. I can not imagine the depths of your pain, but hopefully it helps a teeny tiny bit having so many people out in the blogosphere praying for you, and always remembering your darling Maddie.
Emily says:
Heather, I feel sick as I read this post.
I don’t know how you do it … How you gather up the strength to go on with your life, let alone compose and share something so heartbreakingly honest and beautiful. I couldn’t imagine being in your shoes, but please know that I’m thinking of you (and your family) today. Maddie was lucky to have known YOU for 514 days.
Stephanie says:
Hi Heather,
I read your blog daily and am constantly touched by your courage. Thank you for sharing this. As my baby gets older (14 months now), I think about your experience, and it just floors me. I just know that if I were in your shoes, I’d be acting the same way. Counting days, hours, and minutes, wondering why it had to happen. There are no words. I’m thinking about you today, and everyday.
jessica says:
My heart breaks for you! I like to think that we are all “here” for such a small amount of time compared to what waits for us after this life. You will be with her again one day…
cindy w says:
No words, really. Just love to you, Mike, Annie, and always to Maddie. xoxo
Kellee says:
So much love to all of you. We all miss her.
Overflowing Brain (Katie) says:
Oh Heather. That’s really all I can say. I’m just so sorry. If you need anything today, tomorrow or the days after, you know where to find me.
I have good cake.
TESS says:
Thank you for being so open and honest with us today. And every day. ((Spohrs))
Annie Y says:
Hugs.
Big, warm, fuzzy hugs.
XOXO
MelissaG says:
There are no words but I cry with you today.
Camie says:
I’m so sorry that you have to go through each of these days. It’s so inadequate, but sending so much love to your family.
Gamanda says:
I’ve known that this day was coming, but it doesn’t seem to make it any easier. My heart continues to break for all of you. You are doing an amazing job as a mother carrying on Madeline’s spirit.
Trisha Vargas says:
No words, just tears…
(((HUGS))) from Florida
Eric's Mommy says:
My heart is aching reading this. It IS so unfair.
Molly says:
What a lovely letter. I’m so sorry you have to write it at all–it is so very unfair.
Jackie says:
I love you.
Lora says:
I ache for your pain. Sending peaceful wishes.
Ania says:
I’m crying with you today. Hugs.
nic @mybottlesup says:
oh heather… *hugs*
Jenn says:
My heart hurts soo much for you. Tears are falling as I type this. It is so unfair that Maddie is not here with you. I know those words don’t help, and I am sorry I don’t have words that would.
Right now, I am just mad that this horrible thing has happened.
I am so sorry. Please know that you are not alone and that each us, has aching hearts today as we remember your sweet baby girl.
Hugs.
annie says:
I feel sure that when you look to see your Maddie and her reaction to her sweet sister, that she is indeed there with you. I’m so sorry for your loss and your heartache. Your pain is so palpable that it makes me, a stranger, ache for you. You and your family are in my thoughts today.
Sarah says:
Ah, Heather. I had wondered if you had calculated this date. It occurred to me a while back and I actually thought this date would be harder than the other anniversaries. It is so, so unfair that she was taken from you, and so, so unfair that she is not with you and her dad and her sister. I shed tears for you and for Maddie again today.
Glenda says:
Oh Heather… My heart aches for you! I’m sitting here crying…it’s so unfair… You, Mike, Annabel and the rest of your family are in my thoughts. Maddie will live forever! XX
Kay says:
I really wish I could give you a hug right now. This post brought tears to my eyes, and though I never knew Maddie- I didn’t even know of her until 513 days ago- through your posts I grew to love and miss her too. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you, but you, Mike, Annie and especially Maddie are in my thoughts.
I’m an agnostic, and generally don’t believe in otherworldly things like God, but I really do hope that they exhist, because I can’t imagine a beautiful, innocent baby like Maddie being anywhere but heaven. She was too good for this world, and I pray that she is happy. I know it’s no consolation, especially when you want her here with you, but I really believe you’ll see her again.
Jenn says:
OOhh Sweetheart….how my heart aches for you!!! My eye weep and the utter profound sadness I feel in my heart for the loss of Maddie literally makes me drop to my knees and feel so incredibily sick to my stomach.
OOOhhh dear Maddie….do you have any idea how much everyone misses and loves you? The evening you left, the world was suddenly not as friendly, as bright…..as loved.
I promise you this Maddie. Every time I think of you, I smile and I will do my absolute best to keep your mom’s spirits high, to help her smile and if she is hurting, I will be right there to give her a cyber hug, love and never ending friendship.
With much love and affection.
Jenn
Laura says:
Thinking of and praying for comfort for you, Heather.
Judy says:
Heather, I pray for you. Not just for your pain to go ease but for peace. I pray that God gives you peace when you need it most. Take comfort in Gods love not just for us still on earth, but for all our loved ones in heaven. We all have or trials and tribulations, yours is worse than I could ever imagine, but with God, family and loved ones we will survive them.
Kelly says:
This has to be a gutwrenching day. Wrap your arms around Annie, Mike and Rigby, and squeeze them tight.
Bridget says:
A sad milestone indeed. Peace be with you.
Brittany says:
Of all the things wrong in the world, it’s that this milestone exists. But, every inch of her lives in you and Mike and Annie, and all I want to do is hug you all and tell you I’m sorry. I love you all so much, today, and every single day after.
Malou's Mama says:
I’m so sorry. I wish she could find a way back to you too. I’m not particularly religious, although I do believe I will see my daughter when I die. Someone told me a long time ago that every day without her is actually one step closer to her, if you know what I mean. This gave me the courage I needed to keep living life and not feel guilty for moving forward even as I looked back to the past.
Thinking of you as you pass this very sad milestone, of living a lifetime of Maddie without her. xoxo
Katie says:
Wow, I can’t believe it has been that long. That seems weird to look at it in those terms… We all miss Maddy, too….
Sue says:
Aaaaaaaaand here come my waterworks. Thinking of your family.
vickie says:
oh heather – sending hugs from a stranger across the country. what an unfair day.
she comes back to you – just in ways we don’t understand.
Shana in Texas says:
Thank you for sharing.
Melanie B says:
Last night I was praying, thanking God for my daughter and what she has meant to me. I also prayed for all the parents that have lost one of their children. That even though there will always be a hole, it wouldn’t always be painful. That they would feel the comfort around them. Thinking of you guys and your loss today, for what it’s worth.
Sue says:
Sending so much love, and many hugs to you and your entire family, Heather. Even those of us that never got the gift of meeting our precious little Maddie love her more than words can possibly say……………………………………
Tara. says:
Sending a lot of love and thoughts and prayers to you and Mike and your family today. I hope you found something extra special to do today with Annie. ?
Momma Chaos says:
My heart is breaking for you all over again.. I can only imagine how this day especially must be so difficult. ((((hugs))))
Pattie says:
I can’t believe it’s been that long since Maddie passed. My heart aches for your, Mike, Annabel and your whole family’s loss. Now I think I’ll go cry a bit for your beautiful Maddie.
cj says:
so sorry. we won’t forget her. thinking of you.
kareninAK says:
As soon as I saw the post’s title, my heart sank and I immediately knew what you were writing about. What a note to write to your first-born. As devastatingly painful as it is to read, it was beautifully written and so thought-provoking. I will be thinking about you and your family even more than usual as the days continue their cruel advance.
Michelle H. says:
Remembering your sweet, sweet girl all over again. My heart breaks for you.
Stephanie says:
My heart breaks for you. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Marsha says:
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Both maddie and Annie are blessed to have you as their mommy!
Amanda M. says:
It doesn’t seem like it was very long ago that you were posting brand new pictures of Maddie. This will never seem real. It’s just too unfair to ever sink in.
GretchenM says:
Mike, Heather, and Annie…There are no words. Thinking of you today, and tomorrow which will undoubtedly be even harder. Hugs from PA!!!
Meg...CT says:
As always…my heart just breaks for you. For our family, today is also a very painful one…it has been one month since my beautiful six-year old niece died suddenly. Time plays tricks on us, doesn’t it? Or maybe it is meant as a gift…I am not sure. But this month, for example, has felt both like an eternity (with out Annie) and a split second (like she was JUST here).
I obviously don’t have the answers and honestly, I think I have less answers since Aug 2nd…but, I will continue to pray for your peace and happiness.
with love…
Jeanie says:
My thoughts are with you. Just remember that one day you and Maddie will be together again.
Leslie says:
My baby was just new when Maddie died. When she turned 17 months I cried thinking about you. Reading this I look at her around the same age that Maddie was and then look at her big brother who just turned 3 and I ache for you even more. I see where Maddie was and where she would be and it brings me to tears for you. I’m so sorry you have to face each day without your sweet Maddie.
Allison says:
tears…. thank you for sharing.. but i wish a million wishes that you never had to in the first place.
Amanda {Enchanting Havoc} says:
Heather, I have tears rolling down my cheeks. I can’t even begin to fathom how you feel inside and hope it’s something I never will be able to fathom. I know that she’s close with you, always… I know that she’s close with Annie, always.
{{HUGS}}
suzanne says:
I’m sobbing for you and wishing you her back to you, back in your arms to hug and kiss. I’ve said I’m sorry in every way I know how in these comments. I hope it does get repetitive or annoying to read it — I am deeply sorry and my ache for you and Mike does not seem to diminish with time. It is so evident how your love for her stays true, alive and immediate. Well of course it does, you’re her mommy.
If the world were right, she would be alive. Here’s to hoping your beautiful little Moo visits you in your dreams.
Kellyn MacQuarrie says:
I found your blog several months ago through Tara Hees’ FB – George is my cousin. I feel like I have gotten to “know” you and your family through your lovely words and photos. I have never commented before, but I wanted to tell you that I am just one of many who think about/pray for you and your family. I have never met you, and I never got the chance to meet Maddie while she was here with us, but I think of her often. And because of your beautiful blog, her memory is very, very much alive. Hugs to you all.
Caitlin says:
I’ve been a silent lurker for over a year, and your Maddie is literally one of the most breathtaking children I’ve ever laid eyes upon.
Today, I was listening to Mason Jennings, “The Field” and couldn’t help but think of you.
“Every step I take takes me farther from you
Every move I make reminds me that I’ll always love you
Since you were a child we built our lives around you
How’m I supposed to live in this world we made without you?
Sometimes late at night I go to the field
Is that where you are?
Are you a shooting star?
Can you say my name?
Darling can you hear me?
Tell me where’s your heart now that it stopped beating?
It’s right here, it’s right here, it’s right here
…
And it will always be until the sun dries the ocean
And you will always be my little one
….”
Alicia says:
I hurt for you. I wish she were here with you and Mike and Annie. It’s terribly, horribly, unthinkably unfair. There’s nothing to say.
Kirstin says:
I do not comment often here – but I have been reading since Maddie was very young and still with us on earth. Delighted in your joy, and wept in your pain. I have read faithfully every single day for several years – even when I gave birth 4 weeks ago, and 3 weeks ago when I was in the hospital and almost lost my life due to massive post partum hemorrhage. My husband brought my laptop to me, and I read. Never missed a day.
Milestones shouldn’t have to be painful. I ache for this milestone that you have reached, Heather. I cannot pretend to understand your loss, but today, I fill my heart and mind with the thought of you, your husband, precious Annabel, and sweet Madeline.
I know its creepy for a stranger to say “I love you”, but today I am filled with it for you and Maddie.
Inna says:
Reading and crying for the second time today…
thank you for sharing your journey with us. we’ve never met, but because of your beautiful words I feel so much for you, as if you were my dearest friends!
thinking of you.
hugs to you and your family.
Melissa says:
Crying with you, Heather. I am so sorry and I hope Maddie visits you in your dreams until you meet again. XOXO
Jenny says:
Oh Heather….thinking of you and your family today. I hate that you and Maddie are apart, and that Annabel cannot play (and fight!) with her beautiful big sister.
You are the mom to such beautiful, beautiful girls, and it is so unfair that you cannot hold them both close every single day.
Your writing pierces my heart, and yet I know it is only the tiniest fraction of what you must feel every minute of every day.
Sending you and your family love and support from the opposite coast…
Megan says:
I wish I had something to say that would impact your life in the same wonderful way Maddie and her story have impacted mine. Praying for you and your family.
Carrie says:
All I can say is that you’re in my thoughts and prayers today. And lots of other days too. Big hugs.
Sue says:
My son was in the hospital 515 days before coming home so your number just hit me at how little time she was here. I am very lucky he is still here with us and I wish Maddie was too. I don’t think of the days making you further apart from her I think of it as one day closer to seeing her again.
Meredith @lifescrazyjoke says:
Oh, Heather. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family today.
Courtney says:
I am sorry you have to face this day, and every day after it without your sweet Maddie. Truly, no one should have to go through this. Wishing you as much peace as possible.
Dawn @ What's Around the Next Bend? says:
I used to do the same after my mother was killed in a car wreck… pretend it didn’t happen. Make up falsehoods to ease my pain.
I’m sorry you have to go through this pain.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and Mike and Annie.
Lisa says:
I just don’t know what to say, thinking about how long she has been gone and the hurt you are feeling takes my breath away. She should still be here with you, playing, growing and enjoying her little sister. It makes me angry at the world that she is not.
I think about Maddie every day because I hope that by thinking about her, talking about her and keeping her memory alive I am in some helping heal your heart just a little.
My heart is filled with love for all of you today and always. Love and hugs.
Kristin says:
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Your Maddie Moo will never be forgotten.
Andrea says:
I’m so sorry for your loss. And your pain. A friend just died last week and he was 27. Sometimes it just does not seem to make sense. I feel like I just want to take God’s face in my hands and ask, “Are you sure about this?” Both for him and your daughter. But int eh absence of that opportunity I just pray. Much love to you and your family.
Bella says:
514 days
on earth
eternally
in our hearts
Elise says:
I can’t stop wiping away tears. Heather, your love for Maddie is bigger than this life as we know it. Somewhere, in whatever form Heaven takes, Maddie simply must feel the strength and energy of your love.
Sending you a warm and heartfelt hug honey.
lil says:
I am so sorry, it isn’t fair–not for any of you. I know I hugged my daughter extra close tonight, as I am sure you did as well.
lauren says:
my heart and prayers are with you and mike and annie.
Alicia says:
I am crying. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. All my love and prayers are being sent to you.
Xoxxo
Katie says:
My heart to you on this most painful of days.
Sherry says:
I just can’t find the appropriate words to write in response to your post. Please just know that I read your words and my heart is very achy, but I do know that your Maddie Moo thinks about you just as often as you think of her. I’m positive she is looking down on you and your family with her big beautiful smile.
Tricia says:
Oh Heather…I’m so sorry. My heart just aches and aches and aches for you guys. Only 514 days and yet she made and continues to make such an impact on us all. The Famous Madeline indeed. Love you 4 so very much today and always. xoxoxo
Cara says:
Oh Heather, I am so so sorry. It is absolutely not fair. Your sweet sweet Moo will not be forgotton.
Jessika says:
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
Mark says:
*gentle hugs*
JustAMom says:
As a mom, I know how much you love her. But I can’t even begin to imagine how much you miss her. All my love to you, Mike and sweet Annie.
Kristen says:
It’s just so unfair. I am devastated for you. I read your blog all the time and am in awe of you & Mike.
What beautiful, funny, grace filled parents your girls have.
Tricia says:
There is really nothing I feel I can say that will be good enough. Nothing seems even remotely comforting….
But I can say that I’m praying for you and Annie and Mike and Maddie. For your family. That I’m so sorry this happened, and I’m so angry this happened to you and your family. That I wish no one ever had to lose a child. You are such a light to so many people, Heather. You and Annie and Maddie and your family bring so much joy and hope and love and laughs to so many people out there.
Today, I hope you, Mike, and Annie have peace and beauty and love and some laughing. And most of all, know that your beautiful Maddie is watching and laughing with you all, too.
Monkey's Mama says:
What a perfect, sweet tribute to Madeline. Has it really been that long? Lots of love to you on these difficult days. We are thinking of Maddie, too.
Rach says:
This entry broke my heart. I know that Maddie is kept alive through so many loving words spoken by you, Mike, your friends and family, and even complete strangers on a daily basis. Soon enough, a little girl named Annie will help to carry her torch as well…and while there still may be a gaping hole in your heart, I know that she is carrying a little bit of Maddie in her heart as well.
Leslie says:
Maddie,
I still can’t believe you’re gone. In the short time you were here, you left a BIG impact on my life and there are many things that remind me of you. When we watch Sesame Street I tell Austin that Abby was your favorite, when we pass the purple flowers on our walks around the neighborhood I tell Austin that purple was your favorite.
I miss you and I love you.
Leslie
Veronika says:
I can’t believe it’s been that long. Time just has an incredible way of flying past us, even if we want to freeze it just for a moment. I’m crying with you today.
GingerB says:
Darling Heather, I am aching for you. I hope you give Annie another sibling when you can, because as you said, the realtionship she’ll miss out on with Maddie gone is too important. You have so much love in your heart, I hope you get to lavish it on one more happy baby sent to your heart on home.
Natalie @ Mommy Boots says:
There just aren’t words. *hugs*
Kim says:
Sending hugs to you and ur family today and every day. I think of u all everyday and Wish I was there to give u guys a hug and tell u we are all here for u. Thank u for sharing everyday.
Love and hugs
Aunt Becky says:
Aunt Becky misses you, baby girl. Alex won’t forget you either. He was your husband and I think that he’ll get married someday and be at the alter and be all, MY FIRST WIFE WAS MADDIE AND SHE WAS BETTER THAN YOU. YOU SHOULD HAVE HEARD HER LAUGH. YOU’RE A BOOBY PRIZE, WIFE NUMBER 2. He still loves you too, little one. We all miss you so much, baby girl.
Love,
Your Mother-in-Law, who is cool, and not at all bitchy, and would never, ever fight with you about the way you cook a holiday roast.
Amanda says:
I closed my office door, added some of my tears to yours, and did the only thing I know how to do when people are hurting. I prayed for you, Mike, Maddie, Annie, and your extended family. I prayed for healing of your hearts, that your memories bring more joy than pain, protection for Maddie, and continued strength to get through this journey.
Susan A says:
Ditto. Amanda said it best.
(((((HUGS)))))
Valarie says:
Oh Heather….. there is really no way to express my sympathy and sorrow adequately. You, Maddie, Annie, Mike and the rest of your friends and family are in my thoughts. I wish you all the strength to live with the worst possbile tradgedy a person must endure.
Jen C. says:
I share with you the wondering of what Maddie would look like now. Beautiful, surely…
An article on an organization that helps parents who have lost a child came up on NPR today. Not sure if you’ve heard of them, but might be a resource for you at some point. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=128977776&sc=fb&cc=fp
Tara says:
Thinking of you, Mike and especially your darling girls.
Allyson/HBMomof2 says:
I am shocked that this much time has passed already. I can cry for Maddie at the mere mention of her name today as I did 514 days ago. I cannot imagine the depths of your pain, it is unfathomable to me. I know that my faith was shaken to the core because of this, so right now I am searching for peace. I do hope you peace, even if it comes with sorrow. Much love to you and your family and thank you for sharing Maddie with us.
Liz says:
Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt and heartbreaking letter to Maddie. I’m so sorry for all your pain and loss.
Fairly Odd Mother says:
Such a sad anniversary, of sorts. Hugs to your family and thinking of Maddie right now, for you.
KellyBurton says:
I am hugging you, Annabelle,Mike with all the strength the internet has…
Every time I visit your site, whether laughing at your sweet baby’s face or crying over sad milestones, like today, I wish there was more I could do for you.
Today I will say a prayer, as it’s the best I have.
Jenny says:
Heather, I’ve shed so many tears for you and Maddie. More for today, my heart aches for you and there is nothing useful I can say. I’m so so sorry.
Love! Jenny
littlemissellie says:
You have been strong for 514 days and I know you are strong enough for the next ones. You and Mike have done a fantastic job of keeping Maddie alive in our memories, and Annabel’s too. You are in my thoughts xx
Paula says:
(((HUGS)))
Nichol says:
It’s so unfair. I cannot begin to imagine your pain. I think of her constantly, come here and read all the time, and my heart just breaks. I see Annie and I just smile, but wish I could see photos of them playing. Madeline will be forever in my heart, my thoughts and my prayers. She is so beautiful, loved and missed by so many around the world. Hugs to you, Mike and Annie.
VDog says:
I still can’t believe it either. It seems like just yesterday we were at the park all together.
XOXOXOXO
Mandy says:
My prayers are with your family. What a beautiful post
Leigh says:
So eloquent, and honest.
“Find a way back to me” ?
Thoughts are with you Heather
Leigh says:
I can’t edit my comment…but that “?” was supposed to be a heart (my twitter keys didn’t copy and paste like it was supposed to)
Rachael says:
My heart just absolutely aches for you. I look at my baby and I think of Annie and Maddie and I am absolutely overwhelmed. (biggest hugs ever imaginable)
Me says:
Crushing… my thoughts are with you.
thurieyyah says:
(lotsa hugs & kisses to all three of you)
Simone says:
Spiritualists believe that the departed are living in a beautiful place called Summerland. Children grow up there and old people become young again and have no aches and pains. The only thing that hurts those who have crossed over is seeing the pain of their loved ones. Grieving doesn’t help them or those of us left behind.
If there is a Spiritualist church near you, you might want to check it out. They’re not like they’re portrayed in movies, with trumpets floating in the air and phony mediums trying to bilk people; they’re a community of people who have loved ones who have crossed over. Some of us have had visits from the departed, have seen them and even touched them.
Your fantasies that Maddy is alive but was kidnapped or something may be based on the truth of survival after death. She wasn’t kidnapped, she’s just in another place.
Amanda says:
I send my love.
Allison Zapata says:
So so so sorry. love to you.
Ray says:
This post has me crying right now as I write this. I’ll be praying that she comes into your, Mike and Annie’s dreams. Every night.
I'm sorry. ;o(