Heather has been in transit today – after much hand wringing and crying by Heather I encouraged her to fulfill her speaking commitment at Mom 2.0 in New Orleans – but I wanted to give an update on Jackie! Her surgery on Wednesday went as doctors hoped, and she is now in recovery. Thanks to everyone for sending Jackie! good vibes and well wishes, and I’m sure Heather will update during the day with a bit more information.

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Hi everyone, Heather here now. It’s been a rough recovery for Jackie this time, and she is in ICU but stable. Please continue to keep her in your thoughts, it means so much to all of us.

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Jackie! has not only been discharged from the hospital, but she is home – as in, back in San Francisco! She will be able to recover much better there, although she’ll be in Los Angeles for numerous follow-up appointments.

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A lot of you have asked me for updates on my friend Jackie! because I haven’t written about her since her surgery in January. I have a hard time writing about her. First, because I get really emotional; second (and most importantly), it’s not my place to tell certain parts of her story.

I went up to visit her in San Francisco the weekend before April 7th. I needed to see her. We spent the weekend together, had a few good meals and a walk on the beach, and did a lot of lounging and talking and just being together. It almost sounds like we had a romantic weekend! And we did share a bed, hee. But it was perfect, watching movies, enjoying each other’s company and easy silences.

After Jackie!’s surgery in January, the doctors discovered her brain tumor had progressed to Stage IV (I’m really simplifying all of this). She entered a drug trial in San Francisco and we all hoped it would do its job and prolong her life.

A couple days after I returned to LA, we found out that Jackie!’s tumor was back. And, it is bigger than it was before her last craniotomy. She decided to enroll in a different drug trial that will require another brain surgery that is currently scheduled at 12:45 PDT today. I say scheduled, because as she was waiting for her pre-surgery MRI, she had a seizure. No one knows how this will impact her surgery schedule, but we’re all hoping it will still go off as planned.

In typical Jackie! fashion, she jokingly updated her facebook status that she had her seizure to “keep things interesting.” I’m not going to talk about her strength or positivity because she’ll read this in a few days and punch me in the face for writing it. I know she says she’s putting on a brave face. But you have to have some inner strength for that, and Jackie! has it.

I am really a nervous wreck about her surgery, even though I have this warped feeling like I shouldn’t be so amped up about it. But I am, I am consumed with thoughts of her and have been for a week now. I just cannot bear thinking of her recovering from another painful surgery, starting another drug trial, dealing with side effects. I just want her to catch a break. I want her parents and siblings and her approximately 18 million nieces and nephews to all breathe a little easier.

Every time I ask you all to keep Jackie! in your thoughts, hopes, and prayers, you all come through for me in a big way. And I’m going to ask again. For Jackie!, the one that has supported me since the day my OB told me all those years ago that my pregnancy with Maddie wouldn’t last. Please lift her in your hearts and minds, pray if that’s what you do, send positive energy, everything you can, to Jackie! and her family today.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

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Whenever I don’t want to let my mind wander off on dark paths, I keep myself busy. With Jackie!’s surgery yesterday, I knew I would have to have a day jammed with activities. I planned on really throwing myself into getting things ready for Annabel’s birthday party, but then I woke up with an insane-looking eye.

Backing up a bit, the day after my dental work, I woke up with a somewhat-swollen eyelid. It was the same side I’d had my work on and my cheek was a bit swollen as well, so I figured it was all related. I took a picture for posterity:

focus on the inner beauty in this picture

The next day it was mostly gone, so I figured I was right. Then this last weekend, I came down with another really bad cold. Sore throat, cough, the works. We all have it. Anyway, when I woke up yesterday, my eye looked like this:

I would call that DECIDEDLY WORSE. So off to Dr. Looove I went.

During my exam, she felt my eylid, pressed on it, and then flipped it inside out so she could look at its eyelid innards. Gag. She diagnosed it as a large stye. Basically, my eyelid grew a tumor out of solidarity to Jackie!. I think that shows true friendship, and also proves that I love Jackie! too much. First plan of attack – antibiotics, with hot compresses and washing my eye with Annie’s baby shampoo to make sure it’s clean. If the first plan doesn’t help by the end of the week, I need to have it CUT OUT.

That’s a scalpel near my eyeball for those of you who don’t watch medical dramas. Nothing compared to getting a mass cut out of your brain, but definitely high on the Disgusting Chart.

After I left Dr. Looove’s office, I went to the party store, where all the little kids looked at me like I was Igor or something (what hump?) while I walked the aisles. Plus Annie yelled “DADA! GO!” the entire time, so my self esteem was suuuuuper high.

When I could no longer take showing my hideousness to the outside world, I went home and started obsessively checking my phone and email for updates on Jackie!. Luckily, her sister Jenni did an awesome job of keeping us all up to date.

Jackie!’s four hour surgery went well – the doctors got what they saw on the MRI, which is good news. No word yet on if what was removed is scar tissue or new tumor growth. We have to wait for the biopsy results, and that can sometimes take a few days. Jackie! herself came out of the surgery very well. She’s obviously got a killer headache, but she sang our school’s fight song and I’m sure she was pleased to find out that the surgeon didn’t shave her whole head – just the portion along where the incision was made. Knowing Jackie!, she will have some excellent headbands covering up that strip in no time.

Thank you to EVERYONE for your messages and well-wishes. I know Jackie! and her family will be reading them all in the days to come.

And don’t you worry your pretty tiger heads, I’ll keep you posted on my eye. I think the stye needs a name.

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The day after Maddie died, I asked my friend Jackie! to come to me. She put everything on hold and drove six hours to be with me. When she arrived at my house, I was laying in bed, having just taken a sleeping pill. She got into bed with me, and laid with me while I slept. She (along with some of my other closest friends) took care of all the details that I couldn’t. She bought several dresses and brought them to my house so I wouldn’t have to go shopping for a funeral dress. She even bought me spanx. She means everything to me.

Jackie!, for those of you who don’t know, has a very mean and aggressive brain tumor. She inspires me every day (and will hate me for saying that). Instead of wallowing like so many would, she has raised tens of thousands of dollars for brain tumor research. She has headed up the top fund-raising team in San Francisco for the last two years running. She has bravely told her story in front of thousands. She is awesome.

The last couple months have been rough on Jackie!. She’s been having seizures, and has been feeling generally crappy. But it was still an unexpected blow when we found out that Jackie!’s last two brain scans showed suspicious growth. It could be scar tissue from her first surgery, but based on the growth between scans, the doctors suspect it isn’t.

So, today in San Francisco at 3:30 pm, her amazing neurosurgeon is cutting into her skull to see what’s growing on her brain. Her second brain surgery. I am hoping with every fiber of my being that it IS just a strange scar growth, and that once it’s removed, her seizures will stop and she’ll be able to recover quickly and focus on raising more money and growing hair back on her noggin.

Before Jackie!’s first brain surgery, Maddie let Jackie! borrow her lucky shirt. Jackie! had it with her in the hospital:

On Maddie’s first birthday, Jackie! returned the shirt and gave Maddie something else:

Annie and I are going to hold, touch, and wear it all day, sending all our brave vibes to Jackie!.

I hope you all will do the same. Please.

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I just finished one of those weekends that are completely jammed with things and people and no sleep. It was just what I needed. Except the no sleep part. Golly gee willikers I’m exhausted. That’s right, I said it. I’m bringing golly gee willikers back!

Annie and I got to spend time with Jackie! and it was great. Annie loves her Auntie Jackie, she even snuggled with her (an honor, as Annie rarely snuggles).

I know I’ve said this a few times already, but Annie is moments away from crawling. She spends most waking hours in this position:

(look at that giant Spohr Head! It was made for TV)

Today she started rocking on all fours, and she’s perfectly able to rotate on her stomach. I’ll be spending tomorrow doing some massive baby proofing. Annie is THAT KID – the one that will find the one tiny spec the vacuum didn’t pick up, and that spec turns out to be lead from a pencil that broke, and then you spend the day in the ER fretting about the effects of lead in babies and cursing your vacuum’s suction.

Ugh, tomorrow sounds totally exhausting already.

On a completely unrelated note, I realized Halloween is only six weeks away. Mike vetoed my original idea – Mike and Rigby dressed as Ghostbusters, I would be Zuul, and Annie would be Slimer. I personally think it’s genius but Mike said something like, “blah blah blah Annie wouldn’t be cute blah blah.” He has no imagination.

So, I think tomorrow while I go over my “kid zone” with a fine-tooth comb, I will also do a bit more brainstorming on costumes. Or a lot more. Or maybe I can convince Annie to take a nap with me. That sounds like the best idea possible.

And just to throw another random and terrifying thing at you, Annie is in love with Justin Bieber, and I have video proof:

It’s the scariest thing ever.

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We had Annie weighed last week, and she is already up to eight pounds. Now, this may be normal, but for us it is crazy. Maddie gained weight very slowly thanks to the steroids and the calories she burned breathing. We aren’t entirely sure of what to make of this chubby little thing! But dang she’s cute.

thank you Erica for the adorable outfit!

Annabel had a fun weekend with special people. My Aunt Terry and cousin Christine came to meet her for the first time. My mom, Aunt Lynn, and cousin Leah also came along, and we had Ladies Day, a fun tradition in my family. I also had some sips of yummy pink champagne in honor of Annie. It tasted like rainbows.

My awesome friend Jackie! came to town to meet Annabel as well. I hadn’t seen Jackie! since October and I’ve missed her a lot. I was really looking forward to introducing her to my baby.

They cuddled and snuggled a ton. I had to pry Annie out of Jackie!’s arms. I’m pretty sure she wanted to steal her back to San Francisco.

Yesterday I dressed Annie in a super-cool outfit

thank you Ally for the adorable hoodie!

and brought her with me to Hermosa Beach for lunch with some of my friends. We ate on the patio of a sweet little blue house a stone’s throw from the ocean. I really love Hermosa Beach, I lived there after college and know it is going to be a special place to take Annie to the beach in the future. The lunch was great, and everyone there was so excited to interact with Annie. They were just as wonderful with Maddie, and it brought up some bittersweet feelings.

Annie’s first brunch with the ladies

Maddie’s last brunch with the ladies

Despite all the good times of this weekend there is a dark spectre looming in the future. Today is March first, and next month is April. That Day is growing closer, and I already have a pit in my stomach and a heavy weight on my chest. I don’t know how I am going to wake up on the day my little girl was taken away from me and face the world. I am still taking it day by day (sometimes even minute by minute) and trying not to think that far ahead.

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My friend Jackie! is in town. This past Tuesday marked one year since her brain cancer diagnosis. Not exactly an event to toast to. With my birthday looming on Saturday, we decided that the three of us should get away. So we decided to go to Catalina Island. I was there last August under much happier circumstances. And while my body is still unable to refine diamonds, we went big and traveled to the island in style:

It was crazy. None of us had ever been on a helicopter before. Every other time I’ve gone to Catalina, I took a shuttle boat over. That takes an hour. The helicopter took 14 minutes. We flew right over the ferry.

We checked into our hotel, then treated ourselves to a nice dinner at a restaurant that hung over the ocean. After dinner, we got dessert (fudge for me, waffle cones for Mike and Jackie! and we walked around the island. We eventually found ourselves at the same beach I was at last summer, except this time it was deserted.

We split and spent some time wandering around the empty beach, our thoughts and the ocean filling our minds. I thought back to last August. I remember laying on the warm sand under the warmer sun, calling home to talk to Mike and Maddie. I told them that we were going to come back here this summer, when Maddie was old enough to play on the beach and run in the surf. I really thought the next time I came to this island I’d have my daughter with me.

We would have built some amazing sandcastles.

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This last weekend Mike, my parents, and I drove up to San Francisco. Saturday was a big day for my Jackie!.

For those of you that are new here, Jackie! is one of my best friends in the world. Last June 23, she was diagnosed with a brain tumor on her frontal lobe. She had brain surgery to remove most of it. The tests came back as an aggressive stage three. She’s undergone radiation and now has a week of chemo every month…somewhat indefinitely.

Yeah, Jackie! and I “joke” all the time about how she, Mike, and I won the “worst things that could ever happen to you” lottery.

Right after she was diagnosed, Jackie! named her tumor “Turk The Jerk.”

On Saturday, my family and I joined over 80 other Jackie! lovers to participate in the Bay Area Brain Tumor Walk.

Our team name? “Turk is Toast.” Jackie! and her dad made toast-shaped head gear for all to wear.

I wore the head-bobbers, Mike wore the big toast, and the little toast…it was for Maddie. You see, Maddie, Mike and I had been planning to attend the walk, and then Maddie and I were going to stay in the city a few extra days to hang with Jackie!.

Maddie was supposed to be there. She was supposed to grab the toast hat off her head and throw it to the ground, making me pick it up over and over again. She was supposed to be in her stroller, or in a baby bjorn, or passed from person to person. She was supposed to be taking a few of her own steps in the walk. She was supposed to take her second airplane flight. She was supposed to be exploring San Francisco with me right now.

Her toast hat is so little. I couldn’t wear it on my head, so I tied the purple ribbon Jackie! gave me around me neck, and I wore her hat like a necklace.

The walk went great. A ton of money was earned in Jackie!’s name. “Turk is Toast” won the team spirit award.

Maddie would have been the most spirited one out there. She’s supposed to be here.

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I’m in a place where I have so much going on that I don’t even know where to begin. Last week, I was gone for five days to help celebrate Jackie!’s 30th birthday. She arranged for us to stay in a mansion on a vineyard in Napa Valley FOR FREE. I mean, look at this place:

Believe me, it didn’t suck. Well, there was one teeny tiny little thing that sucked…more specifically DOZENS of little sucky things. Mosquitoes. And if you remember, I’ve mentioned how badly I react to bug bites. And if you don’t remember – I REACT VERY VERY BADLY. I have bites all over my arms, hands, fingers, stomach, hip, back, and face. and they are just as swollen and disgusting as ever. I didn’t take pictures this time but I have a feeling some of the other ladies did, because they are evil and want to blackmail me. Anyway, believe me when I say they were gross and really painful and itchy.

So, back to Napa! We went to gorgeous wineries and sampled yummy wines and sparkling varieties and we even went in a cave. I sang the Batman song in the cave because I am twelve. But doood…it was coooool.

And yes, those are just thousands of bottles of sparkling wine just SITTING THERE. Swoon.

The wineries are breathtaking. The grounds are impeccable and the weather was perfect.

If it wasn’t for the bug bites I would have made Mike, Maddie, and Rigby move to Napa. That’s how awesome it was. But those bug bites assured me that I am a city girl, so I was pretty glad when we went to San Francisco for the most awesome 30th birthday party ever. Jackie! throws an amazing party. And look at how many people came. I am pretty certain there won’t be that many people at my 30th birthday party (note to Mike – it’s only six months and eight days away so I hope you’ve picked a location, caterer, and band).

My favorite part of the weekend was spending so much time with Jackie! She started her next round of chemo this week AND went back to work. She makes my lazy butt look bad! She’s fancy.

Even though I had tons of fun, I couldn’t wait to see Mike, Maddie, and Rigby. And while it was great to see them, things were not so great in Southern California….

And yeah, I’m writing this in two parts. SUE ME. I’m tired from all the to be continued stuff!!!

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This weekend, the famous Jackie! came down to visit. I haven’t updated on her in a while…mostly because she was going through chemo and radiation, and there wasn’t anything to report during those six weeks. Jackie!’s last day of radiation was on the 22nd, which coincided with her final day of the first round of chemo. She had a week and a half to recover before an MRI would show the results of the radiation and chemo. A week and a half to party it up!

Jackie! came down to LA on Halloween to spend the weekend with us and all our LA-based friends. She came along to take Maddie trick or treating for the first time. At Maddie’s birthday party she was Pebbles Flintstone, but on Halloween it was very cold, so Maddie dressed as a sock monkey. Maddie was way more excited about Auntie Jackie! than getting candy that her mom and dad would eat.

I can’t blame her, since I felt the same way.

On Saturday, Jackie! and I planned to meet up with the rest of our friends at our University’s homecoming. However, I got a call from our friend Matt late Friday night telling us that our dear friend, his wife, was in labor with their first baby. We altered our plans and visited Leslie in the hospital before homecoming. When it was determined that she wouldn’t deliver until the afternoon, we went to homecoming so we could visit with our far-flung friends and cheer for our friend Danielle, a returning USC Song Leader who was performing at halftime. As soon as we got word that Leslie had delivered (exactly at kick off), we left the game to meet our newest “nephew.” He’s so beautiful.

Jackie! couldn’t keep her lips off of him.

I really couldn’t blame her.

The day after our new darling entered the world was Maddie’s birthday party. Jackie! and I and our other old roommate Bella have an inside joke involving Monchhichi dolls. I dared Jackie! to wear a monchhichi costume to Maddie’s party…and she did. Fur and all.

Seriously people! That’s how awesome Jackie! is.

My only regret is that Jackie! couldn’t stay longer and have more moments like this:

We all gave Jackie! tons of hugs and kisses before she flew back to Northern California. On the morning of Monday the 3rd, she had her post-treatment MRI to see how effective the radiation and chemo had been. I held my breath all day. I had high hopes but I didn’t want to be blindsided like we all were by her stage three diagnosis.

I finally heard from Jackie! about two hours after her meeting with her doctor. It was all good news. The tumor hadn’t grown, and while the results couldn’t say definitively, the oncologist thought that the tumor might have actually shrank in some areas. This was the best news we could have hoped for. This means that Jackie! moves on to “maintenance chemo.” She’ll take INTENSE chemo for five days a month, then be off for three weeks. And while it’s AMAZING the tumor hasn’t gotten worse, it doesn’t mean she’s cured. Far from it. Things are still not hunky dory (if you read her sister’s updates, you might not realize the magnitude as she tends to sugarcoat things). It’s a waiting game to see when her tumor will come back. However, Jackie! is determined to live her life ignoring her cancer as much as possible. She will still think about it every day (how can she NOT?), but she won’t allow it to run her life. That’s why she’s AMAZING.

Cancer is a part of Jackie!’s life for the rest of her life, but she isn’t going to let it BE her life. She still needs good wishes and prayers. Maddie and Mike and I support and love her with all our heart.

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