Me: Mike. Are you awake? MIKE!
Mike: Yes, I’m awake. How can I sleep when you keep waking me up for Tito’s Tacos commercials and Jesus Cat?
Me: You said the Tito’s Tacos theme was our song! Don’t be hating on it now.
Mike: I’m not hating on Tito’s. I’m hating on being woken up every five minutes by someone that isn’t Maddie.
Me: Are you hating on Jesus Cat? Because that’s sacrilegious.
Mike: Do you really want to get into what is and is not sacrilegious?
Me: No, just accept the awesomeness of Jesus Cat so we can move on.
Mike: Whatever. Is that all?
Me: No…I can’t remember what I was going to ask you.
Mike: OK. Good night!
Me: Wait! Do you want to be cremated?
Mike: Right now?
Me: No! When you die! Do you want to be buried or cremated?
Mike: Are you really asking me this at 2:42 in the morning?
Me: YES! So, which is it?!
Mike: Well, I think my mom would freak out if I was cremated. But that would be your problem, not mine.
Me: Where do you want to be buried?
Mike: Are you asking me this because you’re planning to kill me so you don’t have to make me breakfast for Father’s Day?
Me: No! I think now that we have Maddie, we should, you know, put our affairs in order. And also because I’m making you breakfast and it may very well kill you.
Mike: You don’t have to worry about me dying yet.
Me: Who said I was worried?
Mike: (ignoring me) I haven’t heard of any guy having a heart attack and dying before the age of 50 that wasn’t on coke. So you have, like, 17 more years of me at the least.
Me: Unless you take up coke.
Mike: True. And that’s entirely possible if you continue to talk to me at 2:42 am.
Me: What if something else happens to you? What if you get caught in the middle of a cat fight?
Mike: A…what?
Me: You know, a cat fight. Kitties. Rawr. Meow. They can get really mean.
Mike: Oh, I thought you meant like a lady fight or something.
Me: Ladies don’t fight, but bitches can get vicious. Anyway, I’m talking about animals. You could get scratched and bleed a lot. Or get the Cat Scratch Flu!
Mike: It’s Cat Scratch Fever, and you can’t die from it.
Me: You can die from correcting your wife all the time.
Mike: Whatever happened to asking Dr. Loooove to prescribe you sleeping pills?
Heather: ….Sooooo…cremated then?
{ 10 comments }
Holy crap so much of this is funny!!! I would’ve so been on the couch by cat fight.
Plus where’s singing Mike video?
i dont know how you stay awake- once my head hits the pillow I am O-U-T. Maybe you should take up weed- I hear it makes you sleepy
Have you actually been to Tito’s Tacos or does the song just run in your head all the time?
Cat scratch fever, divorce. Whatever.
For the record, folks, I think Heather has portrayed me as far more awesomely beligerent than I would ever dare to be! In actuality I was much more understanding…and she was much more annoying. (joke, Heather! Love you!)
Hilarity!!!
I’m impressed you can actually wake him up and engage in a coherent conversation…
I promised on your other blog I would comment and I couldn’t resist now! That post cracked me up! I love your writing!!
LOL LOL LOL I loved this…I’m so jealous that you have someone to talk to at 2:42 AM…my cats just ignore me.
Jesus Cat is awesome.
*flicks single tear from eye* Misleading belligerence or not, Mike, this was awesome!