Being on bed rest has allowed Mike and I to avoid a lot of the potential landmines of the holiday season. We bought all our Christmas presents online, so we didn’t have to see the kids lining up to see Santa at the mall. When we’re in the car, we either have the radio off or a CD on so we don’t hear Christmas music. We’re not decorating our house, so we don’t have Madeline’s ornaments up on a tree.
Still, it’s impossible to avoid the season despite our best efforts. The hospital and doctors’ offices are decked out in menorahs and holly. All my favorite TV shows are airing holiday episodes. Christmas cards are appearing in our mailbox.
Mike and I have been cleaning, trying to prepare for Binky’s arrival in a few weeks. Well, Mike cleans and I lay nearby. As we go through boxes and piles in an attempt to make room for a fourth person, we’ve come across unexpected things:
The stockings I bought last year on clearance, waiting to be monogrammed with our names. One for me, one for Mike, one for Madeline, one for Rigby, and one for the baby I knew we’d be adding;
Two unsent holiday cards from last year;
Maddie’s red Christmas shoes;
An unopened 2008 ornament with a place for a picture and a little chip to record a voice;
And, Maddie’s picture with Santa.
I see pieces of last Christmas and remember how hopeful we were that 2009 would be even better. We had big plans: were going to get a tree, decorate, maybe even wake up in a new house. I see these pieces and I’m reminded none of those things came true.
We can’t avoid the holidays, but we can cling to our one perfect Christmas when we had our daughter and a world of endless possibility.
{ 116 comments… read them below or add one }
I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult this is for you guys. This is going to be the hardest Christmas you’ll have. Next year, you will start making new joyous memories with Binky. The pain won’t be gone, but there will be joy alongside it . . . hang in there.
Expat Mom´s last blog ..A Gingerbread House Party!
I agree with Expat Mom, the pain will not be lessened by the Joy of Binky, but the Joy will be great.
Bobbi Janay´s last blog ..So this is Love.
Amen to that.
I read your blog daily, and I always wish that there were a perfect line to make you smile or feel better, if not for a moment. I know there isn’t.
But I do know that I can tell you that I hope to be half the mommy to my (as yet to be conceived) children someday that you are to Maddie. If I can succeed in making my children feel half as loved as that precious baby is, I will be so lucky.
What a beautiful comment, and I echo 100%, daily reader and all. I have two small children and I hope to be the mom that you are to your two daughters. Your chistmas card last year posted here on the site is SO fabulous. The creativity that comes out of your household is astounding. While certainly 2009 (and beyond) didn’t turn out anything as planned, well, except for Binky’s soon-to-be status, I will continue to pray that someday, someway you will once again feel that holiday spirit and promise of a new year to come. Surely it will always be with thoughts and love for Maddie, but I’m pretty confident you’ll be able to get into it again someyear for Binky and siblings, and those dreams of what should’ve been for 2009 will come true. Your angel gets to enjoy Christmas the whole year through, and I know she’d want that for her mom, dad, sister and best friend Rigby.
Janeen´s last blog ..A Patron of the Arts
I completely understand how agonizing this must be for you and like everyone else, I wish I could take all of the hurt away.
We just lost both of our cats. I hope they’re up there, snuggling with maddie and keeping her warm.
I pray that you find some peace and can make it through this holiday quickly. So excited that you’ll have a new bundle of joy here in a few weeks! It will be nice for your hearts to feel full again.
I know that this christmas will feel so empty and wrong. I hope that it isn’t too hard on you guys, and that future Christmas experiences with Binky can be filled with all that happiness, hope and promise that you are missing now
love and hugs to you all
Kelly´s last blog ..Yum!!
I have always found that Christmas is a great event for happy people… For people who are lonely, sad or not up to par, it plain sucks. It is as if Christmas accentuates the happiness on other people for those unhappy…
catherine lucas´s last blog ..SquirlScapades…
Sending cyber (((hugs)) and love.
Thinking about you often.
InDueTime´s last blog ..It’s Done, Son!
love you.
We wish Maddie were here with you and Mike, too.
Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..I need to build a robot.
Those red shoes. Beautiful.
I cannot believe she isn’t in your arms. It makes my heart ache for you, Heather. She is so missed, and so loved. By so many.
XOXOX
Hugs.
Mrs. Schmitty´s last blog ..Have Yourself a Merry Little White Lie
That Christmas card is perfect. Rigby is WAY better at posing than my dogs are. And Maddie – well she is perfect always.
I think about you guys often during the forced holly jolly of this time of year, and hope you are OK. Love to you both (and Rigby too).
xo from CT,
Amanda
OOOOhhhh Sweetie… if I could have 1 Christmas wish, it would be to bring Maddie back to you and Mike. So many precious and priceless memories of last year…
2010 will bring with it new Hope, new joy, new plans and new memories. But, it will Never EVER replace the old memories of the 2 Christmas’s you were fortunate enough to share with your beautiful Maddie.
Wrapping my virtual arms around you, giving you the warmest, most peaceful hug while I whisper in your ear…”It’s going to be Okay”.
Sending you much love. solace and strength for this holiday season.
Thinking of you….
Love,
Jenn (from Canada)
Thinking of you all.
charlane´s last blog ..A New Christmas Classic
I remember seeing that card last year on your blog. It is such a clever, cute card. I agree with a previous poster, Christmas is great for happy people, and very hard on those who are struggling. I’ll be thinking of you throughout this season.
Lora´s last blog ..On Living With A Not So Tiny Little Boy
I lost my father at Christmas, and for me Christmas has never been the same. I want to say it gets easier but this time of the year is always difficult, all those memories come flooding back. I go through the motions but the joy I felt before that December is gone. Some traditions continue, new ones begin. I was one of those people who couldn’t understand Scrooges, never understanding how you couldn’t be happy at Christmas, but now I do. There is a light at the end of the tunnel – it isn’t always as bright as it was before but it’s still there. Wishing you peace and comfort throughout the next weeks.
Are you trying to punish yourself because something happened that was beyond your control? I’m sorry, it sure seems like it! And I am begging you not to do it!!
A year of firsts sucks, this I do know.
Please, put up your tree, and Maddie’s ornaments and stocking. Then, just like you say good night to her, you can talk all about next year when Binky is here or how you remember she loved the twinkling lights or the pretties on the tree. I think, if you don’t, you’ll take away from Binky’s first Christmas because she is not your first. And it might continue. You won’t mean it, but I’ve been there. It’s hard to break that habit. You’ll think it, but if you say it with actions and sometimes words, someday Binky will know it, too. I’m sorry to be blunt and don’t mean to hurt your feelings. Please, think about it. Deck your halls and find the little joys in life for Maddie and for yourself!
Being on bed rest limits my decorating options, and we have, as I mentioned, chosen to prepare for our new daughter with the little I am allowed to do.
I will continue to do what I need to do to get through every day.
Saying you don’t mean to be blunt doesn’t negate the rudeness.
Heather, you do whatever you need to! You love your girls so much. Plus, we all hope that Binky’s Christmas and New Year will be spent firmly in utero. Putting up random decorations is pointless in comparison to taking care of yourself emotionally and physically. THAT’S the biggest gift you can give to Binky and the greatest justice you can do for Maddie’s memory right now. I will think of you all this holiday season and leave a cream puff out for Santa.
Very well said!
Thanks for continuing to share your life with all of us through your beautiful blog. It makes me sad that sometimes that sharing ends up causing you pain. But I am glad that you are strong enough to overcome it and keep on putting yourself out there. You and your family are in so many hearts. Thinking of you and Mike and Rigby and your extended families.
There will be other Christmases where they can put up Maddie’s stocking and ornaments. This year it’s just too painful. Everyone has their own way to get through their grief, their own way of surviving day to day. What’s right for some, or what has worked for some, might not work for others. It’s important to keep that in mind when we write out comments here.
Exactly. I totally agree.
I wish there were an ocean
Big enough for all the sorrows
To be slipped into
To disappear and leave us
With nothing but the good
We wish to hold on to.
We would hold the gifts we have
In hands unfettered by pain
In hearts unfettered by grief
And our faces would turn towards the sun.
Ms. Moon´s last blog ..I Am Grateful For
Beautiful.
Just want to send hugs and support your way. I can’t imagine how difficult the holidays must be for you right now. Do whatever you feel is right. If that means skipping the tree, trimming, and shopping, so be it.
I lost my father 22 years ago, on Dec. 17th and it never is a easy time of year for me. The last two years my husband and I have been hit with health issues and I keep saying maybe 2010 will be a better year. It just has to get better for all of us. I have always loce the xmas card of Maddie and Rigby. Its just so cute!!
It just so sad that she isnt here with you now, and that breaks my heart. Hugs to you and Mike as you get threw this tuff season.
OMG the first card is SOOOO CUTE!!! The second card she looks like she’s terrified of Santa. Course if we could avoid holidays I think I’d choose Christmas also followed closely by thanksgiving. May your christmas with Mike and Rigby go smooth and may we NOT see Binky till sometime next year even if it means turning into the ultimate couch potatoe, ready to explode at seeing A christmas story for the 137th time.
Noo its fa la la la not fra ra ra ra ra..
Maybe some day when you’re ready—a tiny tree for tiny Maddie with just her ornaments. A very sparkly, purply tree. I know there are a lot of us who would like send her an ornament for her tree. And maybe get that stocking monogrammed some day when you’re ready. Little ways to keep her with you. Just a thought for maybe one day. I don’t presume to have any clue what might help. When I read this, I just kept thinking about a very purple, sparkling tree. Hugs.
I love this idea. It would be a lovely tribute to your Maddie. When you feel ready, let yourself imagine how you would feel if that little Maddie tree was there.
Just do what you and Mike have to, to get through the holidays. I cannot imagine the pain you are enduring everyday, but especially this time of year.
Thinking of you and your family everyday,
Michele in Staten Island, NY
Michele´s last blog ..Baked
I love this idea too. Maddie’s very own purple tree. That would be so special.
Notesfromthegrove´s last blog ..I’m a DJ. On the radio. Just in case you were wondering…
I simply cannot imagine how unbearable this time of year must be for people who have lost loved ones. I am thinking of you and everyone else in the world who is missing someone they love.
(((hugs)))
I love the Christmas card, it’s beautiful.
As others have said before, I wish there was something I could say to make the hurt go away, for even just a short bit.
Karen Chatters´s last blog ..Do I get to celebrate Christmas?
i am just so sorry…..
I’ve been thinking about you a lot throughout this holiday season just knowing it would be so, so, so hard. I think you are right in your last paragraph, it is impossible to avoid the holidays so you just cling to the memories of your perfect Christmas and know that next year, although it will be hard too you’ll have another little person to celebrate with and teach about her beautiful sister Maddie.
Remember that I’m thinking about you each and every time I see that beautiful, sparkly purple snowflake on my tree for Maddie.
Love and hugs sweet lady you are forever in my heart and in my thoughts.
Lisa´s last blog ..Meaning
(((HUGS)))
nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..nip & tuck here, botox there… and go.
I just wanted to let you know that I think of your precious Maddie each day. Her smile, and big, beautiful eyes have touched my heart and I am broken hearted over your loss, even though we have never met. I know how hard the holidays are after your world falls apart.
Know I am thinking of you, and praying for each day that passes that in some way it is easier.
“Hope is what happens as long as we breathe…” Just keep breathing!!!
The holidays after a loss are so hard. For me it was the Christmas of 1998 – the year in which we lost both of my parents and my father in law. We were shellshocked during the holidays- going through the motions feeling so strange and incomplete. I cannot imagine what you are going through right now. The loss of parents is to be expected , the loss of a child is something for which one can’t prepare . I think of you and that beautiful girl every day.
And I am looking forward to “meeting” Binky and following your story as long as you are kind enough to share it with us.
Love from the swamps of Jersey,
Ruth
hugs.
Momma Uncensored´s last blog ..doctor sputnik.
I can’t imagine your pain – but as a mom, my heart is breaking for you and your husband.
Love you.
rachel-asouthernfairytale´s last blog ..Pork Tenderloin with Orange Chipotle Marinade and Grilled Veggies
No Words
Just ((((HUGS)))) for you today.
Your stranger friend in Florida
Heather,
it breaks my heart that christmas has to be avoided this year.
but next year, you will have new christmas memories to make, and though you won’t forget the old ones, they will be of comfort to you, and not of pain.
merry christmas, mike, heather, maddie and binky.
What a beautiful picture of Maddie and Santa. Sending you hugs across the miles.
I can’t imagine how difficult this time of the year has to be! My prayers are with you and Mike and Rigby and Binky! God Bless!
Heather,
My heart aches for you! I can’t imagine that you have to go on through this life without her with you. I can’t begin to imagine how difficult this holiday season is for you and Mike.
I know Binky will bring you immense joy! I only wish Maddie was here to be a part of it all with you. I suppose she will always be here in your beautiful memories and in the hearts of so many who knew and adored her, and even those who never had the chance to meet her. She sure is one special little girl.
Hugs,
Liz
1001 hopeful hugs to you both.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..It’d be awesome if this actually happened, but God doesn’t like failures, so I’m not going to make it a “must do”
This is much too ugly a Christmas for such an incredible, beautiful family. I hope that thoughts of welcoming your new baby and sharing future holidays with her will, even for the most fleeting of moments, ease a bit of the pain.
I know from experience that the first is the hardest – the first Christmas, birthday, etc. Be thankful that you have memories and photographs. I truly wish we’d had more time to have more of those with our son. She’s with you, you know. Always know that, hold her dear in your heart.
I remember this all so well from last year. I still can’t believe she’s gone. I know it sounds so dumb, but it’s true. I was going to strong-arm you into sending me a Maddie Card this year.
I didn’t send out any last year because I was pregnant and lazy. Damn Heather, this is all so unfair.
Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Go Ask The Daver
I have to take a huge deep breath every time I finish reading posts like this. This helps me avoid breaking down and sobbing at my desk at work. I don’t really have any of the right words…I’m so sorry you have to feel all of this pain. I do wish you peace every.single.day.
Heather´s last blog ..It’s about to get UGLY…
I don’t want to be an ass and say things I have no business saying. I just want to say, I hope you find more magic.
Amanda´s last blog ..If you only listen
Sending much love, hugs and prayers to you and Mike.
am going to be positive, because Maddie’s red Christmas shoes nearly broke my heart (sorry if I just promised to be positive and then got weepy on you).
Heather EVERY picture I see of Maddie is my favorite picture of Maddie. But honestly I think I would have framed that card had I received it in the mail. Maddie’s Men On Film hat? And Rigby’s deadpan? LOVE.
I saw a child at Toys R Us that looked so much like Maddie it took my breath away. If I can have a reaction like that, not even having met her, I can only imagine how you must feel when you come across these unexpected memories. *hugs*
Just sending lots of love. If it feels right to you– you could put up Maddie’s stocking and fill it with treats and and little toys and then perhaps give them to friends? It reminds me of setting the table for someone who isn’t there anymore.
But only if it helps. Thinking of you and Mike for these holidays and always.
Camie´s last blog ..Breath.
You are in my thoughts and prayers, not just during this Christmas season but always. Hugs to you during this difficult time.
I think you should have a Christmas tree… but then again, I know how hard it is to feel joy after a loss… For some time after I lost my baby back in August, I could bring myself to look at the clothes I had bought for her – I couldn’t go past the bedroom that we’d started decorating – couldn’t even open the door. I couldn’t even go near the maternity or baby sections at Target or the mall – it just seemed to taunt me. And I knew if I were to go in there, I would just break down and cry and cry and cry and not be able to handle it. But one day, I forced myself to… I cried, I sobbed, I screamed a little bit. Yesterday I was even able to go into the Carter’s outlet and touch the baby clothes. It actually made me smile a little bit.
I know it is hard because you raised Maddie for a whole year and then she perished, whereas I never met my baby – she went to heaven before she ever drew a first breath. So maybe our circumstances are different somehow… But I just know that when I put up my Christmas decorations this year, I felt invigorated. Sad, yes – because I was supposed to be welcoming my new baby soon… but it just gave me a sense of normalcy to put the tree up, to decorate the mantel, to string lights.
Even at the very least, I agree with the commenter who said to get a little purple tree. It is funny, because my stepson picked out a sparkly purple tree for his bedroom – it is very small, just big enough to put a few ornaments. I remember thinking it was an interesting color for a little boy to choose. When he put it up in his room, and hung his little car ornament on there along with some candy canes, he said to me “I picked purple for your baby. She would have liked that”.
Sometimes doing what is hardest is what helps us heal. I still cry. I still see the tree and get a little wistful. I feel longing for that baby that never got to breathe… But it just sort of reinforces the fact that she lives on somewhere else, and that we are living, too. We are still here. You are still here. Don’t forget that.
God bless you during this time of year… I know it is hard…
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through, holidays are tough. I can’t begin to imagine what you and Mike are facing. I am thinking of you and looking forward to seeing Maddie’s little sister.
I can’t even imagine how hard things are for you right now. I wish with everything that I have she was here and you were all decorating the tree together. That’s how it should be and I’m so very sorry.
I like the idea of a purple tree. Maddie would have loved a purple tree! Maybe just her ornament.
My thoughts and prayers are always with you and Mike. May each day bring you a small piece of healing and hope. Be kind to yourself and rest in anticipation of the new baby girl that’s on her way to fill up a brand new place in your hearts with so much love.
Tara.´s last blog ..It’s Over.
That card is freaking awesome. Maddie rules.
Expectations for your grief process and unsoliticed advice are probably not what you want for Xmas this year. Those are usually about as welcome as aunt Blanche’s fruitcake.
So, Heather, though I don’t know you personally, I hope you will accept a holiday gift from our family: You hereby have permission to grieve however you damn well please.
Sending you a huge cyber hug. Thank you for sharing Maddie, she’s thought of often around here.
I read this comment and thought “um, yes. Exactly.”
So, I second the fact that Maddie rules, and that you should grieve however you need to and that I also think of Maddie often. The fact that I will always remember and smile while thinking of a little girl that I’ve never met is a true testament to your words and photos on this blog.
Sending you big hugs. I can only imagine how hard all of the “firsts” are for you.
The holidays are not always the happiest season of all, as we are reminded even more acutely of those who are not here with us. And that is so completely normal.
I am thinking of you guys.
xoxo
Alison´s last blog ..100th Post and I’m a Winner!
Hugs to you & Mike during this holiday season. Soon you will have joy in your life and a reason to live. Next year you will make new memories for Binky. Maddie will live on forever in your hearts! Stay strong & healthy! Almost there!!! XXX
Well said
I remember your card last year and how it made me giggle.
My mom was killed in a car wreck right after Christmas 12 years ago. This time of year is always hard.
Thankfully my children have helped me to view it in a new light. I know Binky will do the same for you.
*Hugs*
Dawn´s last blog ..A night to remember??
I have been thinking of you and your family a lot more since Christmas is rolling around, and I can’t fathom what it must be like for you. I will be praying for you guys every day. Hope time goes by fast for you until Binky is born.
Lisa
I love Maddie’s picture with Santa. Maddie is so brave! And so are you. Hang in there, Spohrs.
Nothing to say (but I keep trying anyway). Hugs to you and Mike.
Alicia @bethsix´s last blog ..To Archer Gene, Seven Months
I really like the purple tree idea.
Take care of yourselves.
J´s last blog ..Be happy
Heather,
My heart aches for you and Mike. I can’t imagine how hard the holiday season is, missing your baby girl. I wish you peace and that you have some happy moments this Christmas. You deserve it, and I think Maddie would want that for you. Wishing Binky all the best too….can’t wait to ‘meet’ this little one, although not until the New Year!
Sarah
Dear Heather,
I’ve been thinking so much of how you and Mike must be feeling with the run up to Christmas, my heart aches so very much for you both. I wish from the very bottom of my heart that your precious Maddie was still with you. I’m sending you a big hug from afar and thinking of you always from afar. Your precious girl is always in my thoughts and will always be remembered by so many people all over the world. I know its not enough.
With love always
Erica
The holiday card pictures are incredibly adorable… all I can say is I’m sorry.
Belle´s last blog ..Letter to Me
I was just reading this and Seth said, “Wait Mama, go back. Who is that baby?” I told him it was Maddie and he said, “Oh she is such a cute baby!”.
I told him about Maddie and as I was I thought about your Binky who is coming in on the heels of your grief, much like my little boy who was asking me about Maddie. It was a bit surreal, this little 5 year old boy who never knew his sister, but insists that they played checkers in Heaven. I pray that Binky helps to heal your heart as much as Seth has mine.
love you
Kim´s last blog ..Marshmallow Making
Take a look at this blog:
http://butterflybaby15.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2009-11-05T06%3A07%3A00-08%3A00&max-results=7
Scroll down to where it says “Holidays”…maybe this will give you some comfort!
Hugs.
Linda
And one more piece to go on… The arrival of your brand new baby girl in only a few more weeks. I know her big sister is keeping her safe and sound until the right time. It all sucks it had to be this way, I know. But we HAVE to try to see things from a different perspective. No matter how unfair, hurtful, or shitty, we go on. Slowly, but surely, we mend oursleves back together, though never quite the same as we were before, but a shell of who we think we are supposed to be for everyone else to see. Keep it together for the love of that new beautiful baby girl who I am sure will be a spittin’ image of her big sis. Sigh*
I pray for you and your precious family daily.
Sarah´s last blog ..
Maddie is in heaven. She would want you to not be so sad. I know these entries are just a snapshot of how you are feeling, and there are probably lows and not so lows, but I hope you are ok. Prayers for you and your family. Try to find some joy in your heart this season. Mary gave up her son for us, knowing his fate was coming….. Jesus is the reason for the season, not to sound cliche or dismissive of your pain. Give God some of your pain, he can handle it when you can’t…
*tears hair out*
To clarify … that’s my OWN hair I’m tearing out. No offence, but comments like this leave me very frustrated.
Oh Heather….
I remember this feeling – I remember for me being lost in a sea of otherwise happy people thinking “What about me?” and “How *dare* you be happy???”
I believe in God but I do not understand why this happens – I wish I did, I wish I could make sense of it all.
But I just can’t.
If I could I would sit on your floor with you, eat chinese food, and laugh at Kathy Griffin’s show “Suck It Jesus”.
Sounds kinda bad but I think God understands.
Amanda´s last blog ..Sunday – Blow By Blow
Your Christmas card is absolutely beautiful and creative. I love it and wish I could have come up with that……baby new year is precious!
You have nine weeks, right? I’m praying for you Heather….you and Mike and Binky…….and Rigby…how’s the dog? Back to normal yet?
Rebecca´s last blog ..What Would You Do?
There just aren’t enough words in the universe to offer you as you and Mike go through this rough time. I hope in time, y’all can find a way to remember Maddie, make new memories with Binky and enjoy the holidays. Holidays are hard after any loss in the family much less, a much loved and wanted daughter.
It might hurt initially but some Christmas music might bring good memories back of Maddie for you. No need to decorate and tax yourself or Mike but I’ve found that listening to music that was loved by loved ones I’ve lost often makes me feel closer to them, once I get over that initial wave of sadness that will never disappear.
I wish you, Mike and Binky all the luck, love and good fortune in the world this holiday season.
BakerGirl´s last blog ..Happy Hanukkah!
Simeon, the prophet, got it right when he said to Mary, “And a sword shall pierce your heart.” He didn’t add “over and over and over again,” but he should have.
Praying for you and Mike now, that you will be comforted with peace and rest from this relentless pain that is like no other. Sending you love.
My friend who lost her 16 year-old daughter two years ago, decorated with a purple tree this year. Purple was also her daughter Shannon’s favourite colour. She went away last year for her first Christmas without Shannon, but this year found the strength to attempt the holidays. When I see that tree it reminds me of Maddie also.
Just wanted to let you know that there are some gorgeous purple trees available out there and when you and Mike are ready, it might be a neat option.
I wish you and Mike the very best.
What an exceptional girl… she wasn’t even crying like most little ones are the first time they see Santa!
Many many hugs and good wishes to you.
that is so extremely sad but binky will make it joyful and maybe a little better
My thoughts are always with you.
Danielle´s last blog ..Dear Lil Sis, YES YOU!
I know you will find joy again. I feel it.
Thinking of you both. xoxo
Kristin´s last blog ..Over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house we go
Today I looked around and saw everyone doing the Christmas thing, and I thought of you, Mike, Madeline, and Rigsby.
Today I thought how hard is this going to be, here she is pregnant, hurting so terribly for Maddie, the pain is there while Binky is not yet in their arms to bring that joy that only a child can.
Today my heart hurt tremdously for you, Heather must be so uncomfortable right now, I know I was, bed rest, YEAH!!! what fun!! NOT!!!!
more time for her to hurt, with the holiday coming up, Lord how will she get thru it.
Today I realized that the world will not end if Heather and Mike doesnt want to celebrate , its their life, their pain, their choice!!!
There’s not one damn thing I can do to take your pain, but know if I could I would, this is so not the way things are suppose to be, a wanted, loved, cherished, unbelieveable beautiful child is not where she is suppose to be in the care of her loving -parents, its so WRONG!!!!! and I dont know why??? I cant understand, and dont think I ever will, but you do what you want Miss Heather, there is a slew of us that would jump to your defense if one dense person had something to say about anything you and Mike decide to do with this season!!!!
Thinking of you and your beautiful family, praying Binky stays in there, full term Binks, please!!!
all I can do to even begin to help, is help get the word out about your cause, I do solemely swear to tweet, facebook, and blog the Cause, Friends of Maddie, Remembering Maddie, and March of Dimes!!! I know that doesnt take any pain, but may prevent some other mom from suffering this also!!!!! Hugs and love to you Heather, Mike, Maddie, Binky, and Rigsby!!!!!
Vanessa Jordan´s last blog ..Hello world!
^^ Yes! My holiday donation this year will be to Friends of Maddie and the March of Dimes.
so beautiful…. so very beautiful…
Michele´s last blog ..Baby Weight
Ohhh… *HUGS* and love to all of your
Big hugs.
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..Hearty
Hi Heather – Just wanted you and Mike to know that I’m thinking and praying for you. I can’t imagine how hard this all is, but I think you guys are doing a great job at handling it together. Thank you for posting last year’s pictures of Maddie and Rigby – how sweet =) Give Binky a pat =) Love, Kim
I always look forward to your posts and this one is no different, just really hard to read.
My heart aches for you and Mike and I want all good and blessed things to come your way.
Again you did more for Maddie in her short, amazing life than most do in a lifetime.
Maddie will always be missed, by so very many.
We love you Spohrs, hang in there.
Heather you are such an eloquent speaker. You touch my heart with your thoughts and your grief.
I am soooo in love with the picture of Maddie and Rigby for the New Year! She was such a photo ham!
Wishing you a quick 9 weeks…and my that seems like time has flown. I know it has not for you and I am sure each day has lasted 40 hours.
Hugs to you, Mike, Rigby and the rest of your family this Christmas. I know it will be tough…
I know this may seem an empty christmas – with Maddie gone and Binky not yet arrived. And there are those things that didn’t come true. That’s unfair and cruel and with time on your hands, you can’t help but think about them.
But soon Binky will arrive and help to fill up your days and add joy to your hearts.
I hope you have a peaceful christmas, and that it doesn’t bring too many painful memories, but instead makes you think of the precious time you did have together.
pixielation´s last blog ..I’m a legal alien, like a prawn.
I wish I could build you a time machine.
It would be Christmas, 2008, and the world would be Madeline’s oyster.
I love you, so much. I wish I could take some of your pain.
I used to love Christmas, I still do…But its not the same anymore….but.
My prayers and love to Mike and you..hope you have a lovely christmas with maddie and binky…
Childwoman´s last blog ..
Like other readers, I’ve been thinking of your family a lot lately, Knowing that the holiday season would be so hard. I saw a purple tree at target a few weeks ago and I couldn’t help myself so I got it. It makes me think of Maddie every day. I wish you and your family as much peace as possible this Christmas and a new year full of joy and renewed hope.
However, you deal with the holidays I wish you all the joy you deserve. I know that may be impossible but I truly wish you nothing but happiness and joy. I pray for that for you every day.
Upstatemomof3´s last blog ..Finding A Balance
Haven’t read ANY of the comments yet, but here’s my two cents. Survive this holiday season however you can. Open gifts, or not. This day will be so hard, and the days before will seem unbearable. Put the Maddie ornaments in a special place to share with Binky when the simply surviving part isn’t so hard. Very soon, Christmas will be over and all reminders of the season will be taken down. New Year’s? Another killer. Go to bed early and know that in the new year you will survive and pick yourself up and walk again, even if every step hurts. This breaks my heart for you.
So not fair!!!! Two friends died this week that I knew, one, a 77-year-old lady, a former neighbor of my parents, whose brain cancer returned for a third time. They decided not to operate. The 2nd, a lady my age, 59 years old, who had Alzheimer’s disease!
Sometimes I hate Christmas. It’s not fair at all for you guys, yet somehow I know there will be joys for you. May God bless all of you! I hope Rigby is feeling better now too.
She’s just too cute. TOO cute! Love the Santa pic especially. Did she cry at all? Maybe after the photo was taken, when she looked back and saw the big guy with the beard? I see so many that are screaming and crying and their parents are just standing there snapping pics, smiling. And I always wonder what the kid is thinking: Geez Mom, I’m glad this is amusing for you, but I’m FREAKING OUT here!!
LOL
But your Maddie just looks happy as always. Bet she would have loved Santa this year. She should be here, Heather. I’m so sorry
My heart truly breaks for you and Mike. I am just so dang happy that Binky will be here soon. She will bring you JOY again. She will.
((((( Hugs to you tonight )))
ps And you do WHATEVER you need to do to get through this Christmas. Tree or no tree. Lights or no lights. There will be a new Christmas every year after this one.
Looking back at the Santa photo again, I think Maddie has a little look of surprise — like if she’s thinking, “OK… I’m sitting here and I see Mom over there…she’s smiling so it all must be okay….but who IS this guy, anyway?”
She’s just so darn cute.
She is an Angel. She had *very* important work to do here. You ALSO have very important work to do here. And there is nothing wrong with the way you are managing things, feelings, then/now, here/away……it’s all perfect. It’s all beautiful and just as it should be. And every feeling that you feel will ALWAYS be shared between the four of you, never doubt that. She is here, and in so many ways you are there. She misses you the way you miss her. And the feelings you are feeling are never wasted. It all has it’s time, and it’s purpose. You must not doubt that, because someday you will leave here as well. None of us should ever doubt that. It is all real. Peaceful blessings amongst you and your family.
May the memories of the perfect days sustain you through the hardest times, and may there be good, perhaps even almost-perfect, days to come. Wishing you strength, peace and courage – and sending lots of hugs!
Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..Back on the bus
It’s always heartbreaking to know that with death comes unfulfilled dreams.
Praying for peace at Christmas and through the new year when you meet binky
Things are so much harder during the holidays.
Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..Just Playing The Game
This is good you are focusing on your family and that’s what you need to be doing. To have time to just be with your husband is woderful. I am so glad you are nesting and able to go slow and think clearly. I am ramblin’ I will stop!
Deidre´s last blog ..End The Funeral With A Wedding
*sniff* So lovely.
The multi-holiday card is awesome. What brilliant creativity you and Mike have!
*HUGS*