After my last post I made the decision that I was going to force myself through this adjustment/down time no matter what it took. And then in the morning I stayed in bed until 10:15. But to be fair, so did Annie, so it would have been wrong not to take advantage. I’m supposed to sleep when she sleeps, right? It’s the law.
I checked my grade yesterday, which was an excellent idea. Why? Because I got As, baby! I’d gotten As on all my assignments, but I was still nervous about my final pictures and my overall grade. I turned in two final pictures (they had to be in this “gallery” format):
Meghan’s gorgeous Oliver, fresh out of the oven
The above photo is one of my favorites of all time (other than kid pictures). I also entered it into a contest and won! My prize was $250 in camera rental equipment. I picked out the Canon EOS 7D with the EF 24-70mm f/2.8L lens. The are both so awesome, I don’t want to give them back. But unless I win the lottery or want to live on the lam, Mike says I have to. He’s a joy killer. I’ll post pictures soon (I need a different card reader). So far I just have shots of Annabel making the “jeez mom, AGAIN?” face.
The other thing I decided to do was start going to the gym again. I went for an hour yesterday and it was actually not that bad. I know, I know, WHO AM I? Well, the gym has TVs, so that helps tremendously. It was nice to get a little bit of time to myself to sweat out some of the “badness.” And really, you haven’t lived until you’ve sobbed on a treadmill, making everyone around you uncomfortable. Whenever someone would look at me funny I’d say, “it just hurts so good!”
I am officially the crazy person at the gym.
{ 67 comments… read them below or add one }
I too am going to the gym.
Tomorrow though. My gym is closed right now.
Backpacking Dad´s last [type] ..Unexpectedly Stupid Move While Storing Pork Chops in the Freezer
Yeah for you going to the gym. Going in DO mode helps against depression, the sad fact is that one is often too depressed to get INTO DO mode… So yeah for you for getting there.
I also know that for myself, when I pick up my camera, I will feel better afterwards. My camera is my pull up point… Of course, you have to get to the point that you actually pick up the camera…
I often think that people don’t see the good of DE-PRESSION… Letting go of the pression. Being on the bottom is the first step going back up… It’s only once you reached the bottom that you can go forward again.
Going through no-mansland to reach the other side…
We should be less afraid of the bottom, rockbottom is it. No deeper place to go, so back up is the only way possible… if you get my drift.
catherine lucas´s last [type] ..Pork pie- the sequel
“It just hurts so good”.. I love it! The pics you submitted are awesome. I LOVE the sailboat one, although (being a mama and all) my focus is solely on children’s photography these days. Congrats on all As, that’s great. I’d totally get used to living on the lamb to keep that camera! LOL
Both of those photos take my breath away. So does the thought of going to a gym
Congratulations on the excellent grade and the competition win!
Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last [type] ..Gary
OK I don’t think you are the craziest person at the gym ’cause a pal of mine works out with a lady who wears mumus to the gym….crying on the treadmill/mumus. Guess it’s a toss-up after all. I am cheering you on Heather. I love the photos. You’ve got an eye. Of course, my favorites are of your girls. Keep on keeping on. Lots of love.
k´s last [type] ..Dear dog the teenage squirrels!
Oh.
The gym.
I think anyone who goes to the gym is just a little bit crazy, don’t you?
Beautiful photos, no wonder you aced it.
tiff´s last [type] ..The envelope
One year ago today I hit my rock bottom. I had a complete breakdown and ended up in the hospital. I didn’t lose a child. I was involved in an accident. It will be 4 years since my accident in November. I have had 7 surgeries. I lost my job that I loved because of my injuries. My company was so good to me and held my job for a year but when it became apparent that I would not be able to return they needed to hire someone else. My health insurance carrier put me through hell and I had to fight tooth and nail to get them to pay for my surgeries. We were financially wiped out. I could go on and on but you get the picture. One year later things are somewhat better. On this day though I can not help but think back to last year when I did that horrible thing that would have devastated my family and friends. I would have passed my desperation, depression, and destruction onto them. How could I have done that? I don’t know if I will ever forgive myself. But was it me? I could see it all happening but I didn’t know that person. Who was she, that person that couldn’t face another day.? Why couldn’t I stop her? She just wanted them to let her go but they wouldn’t. Maybe they were right. They fought to save her. Why is it so hard for her to fight for herself? Heather I don’t know your hell. I only know mine. All we can do is do our best each day. You are brave to share your feelings. I hope you find peace soon. You have a beautiful family that loves you. Sometimes we have to do it for them even when we can’t do it for ourselves.
trisha´s last [type] ..San Diego Here I Come!
Trisha -
I admire you for your honesty and for your story. I’ve been exactly where you were a year ago and I truly think that it *isn’t* us when we do such things. Thank goodness you were able to gain strength and move forward.
I’ll be thinking about you today.
Thank you. That means a lot to me.
Loving the photos. They really are ace, so it’s no wonder you got all A’s!
as for the gym, well, if it makes you feel better, then it can’t be all bad.
WOW! I love “First Meeting!” It’s no wonder that you won!
Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last [type] ..What is your hidden talent
Sobbing at the gym …. only the cool kids do it, like we’re dancin’ at the disco. I took a spin class once – only once. It was terrible. So so hard, I was crying my eyes out. Not because it was hard, but because of my husband and his dumb cancer. But nobody noticed I was crying. The tears looked like sweat falling off my face.
Exercise FTW!!
edenland´s last [type] ..I Blog- Therefore I Am
I used to work at a gym. You are definitely NOT the crazy person at the gym. I guarantee there are people much crazier.
LOVING the sailboat picture. Beautiful! A+!
For what it’s worth – I think you are hysterical, badness and all. Your photographs inspire me to be a better photographer myself. I read your blog first thing every morning – just a couple minutes to “see what my friend Heather – who -doesn’t -even – know -me has to say” and it gets my day started right. Thank you!
Well…. if you are going to be “the crazy person”… might as well be at the gym!! That way you can beat the crap outta people that look at you funny.
There has to be an upside to everything.
People say that exercise helps with depression. I wouldn’t know because I can’t seem to make it off my couch. I sort of think it’s crazy talk. But for you, Mama, I hope it’s true.
Hello Angelique, it is not crazy talk. Excercise releases endorfines in the brain, and those are effective and proven body made anti-depressants. Try to start small, excercise can be anything. It does not have to be a marathon or a hike in the Sierra Nevada… ;o)))
catherine Lucas´s last [type] ..Pork pie- the sequel
You go girl! You do all the right things – you will pull through!
Wow, that sailboat photo, gorgeous and breathtaking.
So glad you are working through things and finding things like photography and the gym to help pull you back up.
Love and hugs.
Lisa´s last [type] ..The Best Laid Plans
Beautiful photos!
Congratulations on your grades and the contest.
Be well,
I may or may not have shouted out in my total conditioning class that I didn’t think I had one of these CORE things they kept talking about. I too am the strange one at my gym who just laughs when they say, come on ladies just 3 more sets.
I think as soon as you can see that little glimmer of hope, you are digging yourself out of depression. It is a HUGE battle, and I applaud your efforts.
There’s a lady at my gym who does pirouettes and some kind of weird jazz dancing in between exercises in the weight-lifting class. That’s way weirder than crying.
My gym has individual TV’s on all the cardio equipment – you can just plug in your headphones and go. The crazy person yelling and gesturing wildly at the Red Sox/Patriots game? That would be me.
I know we all tell you this all the time, but this post was just a reminder: You are so brave.
Congrats on your A’s! Way to go!!! I hope you got a prize. Good grades always deserve a prize.
Jen L.´s last [type] ..Comfort Food Saturday- BEYOND THE PASTA
I had some anxiety problems and felt that going to the gym really helped with getting rid or at least minimizing them….I know it is nothing like what you are going through, but I think it is a good idea. Love the comment about it hurting so good.
Hope you are feeling better soon.
Awww, lady. I’ve cried on the treadmill too…I figured it was a two-fer, cleanse the soul while ya work the body.
CrAzY is the new black….haven’t you heard? I think you’re doing Great! More than great actually b/c instead of taking one step at a time, you’re taking a couple. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF!!!! It’s so hard to be in that kind of state and pull yourself out of it. It takes a lot of strength (check – you got it), Courage (Check for you), Bravery (Check) and Determination (Check, Check). Who cares about the sleep in – Annie slept in so you’re right. IT IS A MOMMY RULE! I also think the both the gym and crying are a wonderful idea. Both help release the stress and toxins in your body. Vit D is also GREAT at making you feel better and B/C helps with stress.
I love your pics! The boat one is exceptional! Your so creative! Bravo! Job well done! WAY TO GO!
Keep taking it day by day Sweetie. Remember all of those who care…especially that little Angel on your shoulder!
Love,
Jenn
You wouldn’t even make the top 10 crazy people at my gym. The dude who dances snd sings while walking on the treadmill dressed like Richard Simmons? That’s crazy.
Congrats on the contest win and the excellent grade! I personally can’t stand the gym and refuse to ever go again, but best of luck to you in this new endeavor.
(((hugs)))
Deborah´s last [type] ..A Little Bit of This- A Little Bit of That
Good for you for going to the gym! A friend of mine has very severe depression and, in addition to her medication, she feels like going to the gym really helps improve her mood (though she hates every second of it).
That’s definitely something I should look into getting back to. Thanks for the (inadvertent) motivation!
Being the crazy person at the gym isn’t so bad. It at least means you are going to the gym.
Huge congrats on the photography contest prize.
Kristin´s last [type] ..Blessed are the atheists
Those pictures are just amazing! I love the sunset one. I am going to miss your weekly photo challenges though I must admit. And you rock for going to the gym, I should but just don’t want to. lol .
Love both photos. Congratulations on the constest win, that’s awesome.
I went to the gym one day last week and worked out for 30 minutes; does that count as going back to the gym? You go girl with your one hour workout.
(((HUGS))) from Florida
Awesome photos…yay for the win!
Holy smokes! Those pictures are awesome! Your A’s (and your prize) was well-deserved.
I’m convinced that people look at you like you’re crazy at the gym if you look like anything other than a zoned-out zombie. Once when I was running, “SexyBack” was on my iPod, and it made me think of this video, so I got the giggles. People looked at me like I was a loon. Maybe because the TV in front of my treadmill was on CNN, so it looked like I was laughing at news of the latest financial disaster? Who knows. But screw ‘em. Do what you need to do. Laugh, cry, whatever.
Love the pictures. You always take great pictures. I’m glad your digging out and pulling through. The crying think, I’ve done it too! I hope you feel better.
Congrats on the As! Yay!
And good for you for going to the gym. I am officially impressed.
Congratulations! I’m happy for you about the photography program you found, and glad you are making yourself get up and do stuff. It’s inspiring the way you push yourself to keep going. Thinking of you and hoping Annie is helping cheer you up!
Several years ago I was out of work for a long time. My boyfriend (now husband) and I would go for long runs in a large park in our neighborhood. He knew how frustrated with my job search and he’d say, “C’mon. Let’s run to beat the devil.” I both did and didn’t know what he meant. Running to beat the devil? Sounds crazy. (Also, I don’t really believe in the devil…) But sweating out all that anger and frustration always made me feel better. My pains then were nothing like yours are now, but I think the analogy holds up. It sounds like that’s what you did at the gym yesterday. Good for you, Heather. Brava!
Normal is highly overrated. Ask my 11 year old who insisted on wearing her first communion dress to her school pictures yesterday.
I love the picture of the boat and the sunset.
Sweet baby! Good for you for joining the gym. I am seriously thinking about joining one too because it will help with my anxiety and getting me the heck out of the house.
Lisa´s last [type] ..Venta LW44 Air Humidifier updated Sat Aug 14 2010 10-04 am CDT
Beautiful pictures Heather! And good for you for going to the gym, I need to jump on that bandwagon….
Nicole´s last [type] ..Playing Catch Up!
Hi Heather,
I have been reading your blog for.. hmm… 6 months? 7? 9? you know, for a chunk of time. I love it! Love your stinking blog! I see your struggle with PTSS and have been wondering if I should mention EFT…. I know, some crazy reader telling you about something even more crazy. But hey, I will take a chance. Yeah so EFT (emotional freedom technique) The solders coming back from war have been using it with success. As well as people like me who have had trying situations happen and struggle with depression. I am happy now… I was not sure if I would find that place again in my life. You can find the “how to” on YouTube. Its like doing acupuncture to yourself by tapping on your body. Its totally easy and totally works. seriously man
xoxo,
Aujah Anne
“It hurts so good…” Awww, Heather. I’m glad you are letting it out. And who cares what anyone thinks? Until you walk a mile in someone’s shoes…no judging!
Candice´s last [type] ..Birthday Extravaganza!!
Loved Trisha’s comment up above…no-one can know your “hell”.
But many can care, and if our support helps in any way at all, then that is a good thing.
Loved the sailboat photo too!
BE WELL~
I get up and work out almost every morning (sometimes it’s the afternoon, but you get the idea). I hate dragging myself out of bed. I hate how cold it’s getting, and how dark it is. But you know what? When I’m done, I feel awesome and am ready to face the day – sort of like sweating out the mad/anger/frustration/whatever else is going on.
Oh, and I LOVE that sailboat photo.
Keep kicking ass Heather!!
Congrats on your grades and congrats on winning the contest.
Beautiful pictures as always!
Annie Y´s last [type] ..Wordless Wednesday – Yellow
You’re awesome.
Gah.. I need to get to a gym. BADLY
LOL
MIss your face
xxoox
Thanks for being so inspiring. I too know what depression feels like and struggle to go the gym. But today after reading your blog I made myself go and it was great! I almost cried while using the eliptical too, but that’s because I was watching Oprah during my workout!
Congrats on your A’s and for winning the contest!
Beautiful pictures and congrats on winning the competition! I’m sure you’ll win many more.
Glad to hear you’re going to the gym again. I remember you having a NYSC membership!! You will feel great afterwards, I’m sure of it!
I’m the same way when I work out, if I can’t watch television then forget it. I’ve found that when I’m feeling down, exercise helps. I really, really hate to admit that.
So when I’m stressed my hubby will tell me to exercise but I know he’s only saying that because he wants me to feel better. Otherwise his ass would be sleeping on the couch with our cat.
Like so many others, your honesty is just one of the things I love and admire about you. I have no doubt you will continue to pull through and when you can’t remember all your friends pulling for you. <3
This is the 2nd time I wish I could access my comments after to edit them, commas make all the difference.
“…and when you can’t, remember all your friends pulling for you”
Hey, I like your photos! The one with the sailboat is awesome. I can’t wait to see your pictures with the Canon 7D — that is actually the camera that I’m planning on buying soon. You’ll have to write up a mini-review about it or something… you know, what you like and/or dislike about it. I think it’s the one that has video capability, right?
Katrina´s last [type] ..I am the coffee bean
That picture of the water actually made me feel happy when I looked at it. How do pictures- other than of the people you love- make you feel anything? Its a great picture. Better than anti-depressants. lol
I’ve cried at yoga multiple times. I just go into child pose and pretend that I am resting and doing cleansing breaths and hope that the people around me confuse the blotchy face for a sweaty face.
Congratulations on all of your victories!!
I love the picture of the sailboat. It’s amazing, no wonder you won the prize…
Oh Heather, I cry all the time at the gym and in Jazzercise classes because I get too much into my own head, and whether I am dealing with grief or joy it comes oozing out as tears. You are not alone.
GingerB´s last [type] ..Tattoos for the Terrible Twos- like they need more attitude
Many years ago I took the worst plane ride of my life. I flew home to attend to my mother after her younger brother died too, too young and too, too suddenly. It was only hours after it had happened and it was the worst nightmare I’ve ever lived through. I think I cried off and on for hours, had a few panic attacks, and tried to tell myself that the sharp physical pains throughout my body were just in my head. I don’t know what others thought. I didn’t even care at the time. I only thought to be embarrassed later.
Recently I was on a plane and I saw a woman crying. I hadn’t thought about my nightmare plane ride in a long time. I wondered what terrible–or even not-so-terrible but sad–thing had happened to her. But she was trying to hide her sniffles, make it look like as though she had a cold. I felt like giving her a hug or at least patting her on the back, but there were too many people behind me and I had to move forward.
I think it’s highly unrealistic to expect people not to be people just because they are out in public. Crazy doesn’t usually enter into my mind when I see someone upset. It just makes me remember to count my blessings for that day. It also makes me feel a connection with others–we’re all part of this great big thing called humanity and we have to be there for each other with understanding and tolerance and kindness and love because life is as random and cruel as it is beautiful and inspiring.
The hurts so good comment made me laugh out loud. And I wouldn’t think you were crazy if I saw you crying at the gym. Of course, that means I would have to GO to a gym, so…um, yeah, you’re on your own.
My grief counselor mentioned to me a quote that someone else may have already referenced. The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears, or the sea. (Isak Dinesen) So if you were crying, on a treadmill, on a beach? You’d really be covered.
((hugs))
You’re not alone. I sob at the gym on a regular basis. It’s a great release. At least it keeps the gross, overly sweaty guy further away from me.
Whenever someone would look at me funny I’d say, “it just hurts so good!”
^^Oh, Heather you are so funny! =P I’m glad to see that you’re fighting to pull through. I know you’re going to make it. <3 And congrats on getting all, "A's!" That's awesome. Have fun getting some steam off at the gym. =o)
Oh, heather! LOL. I probably would have wanted to snag you off that treadmill and hug you if I saw you (or anyone else) sobbing as they were running! That is DEDICATION, baby! And Determination! Woo. Good for you, seriously. I know how hard it is to get your ass to the gym
dawn´s last [type] ..Playing in my art journal again
Congrats on the grades and the contest!!! That is really cool.
Good for you for going to the gym. I just returned to the gym myself this week, after a long hiatus. I feel 100 times better than I did the week before. It’s been a mood lift AND a physical lift.
Working out does that to me as well. Hmmm.
Tahnie´s last [type] ..Random Friday
Hey Heather, I read your blog pretty regularly, I hope you are feeling a little better this week. Crying on the treadmill isn’t as bad as farting on the treadmill – I may or may not be known for doing that…..
Good luck to you and I will be keeping up with your fundraising efforts, I have an 11- year old NICU baby and I’d like to donate. Or maybe he’ll get a scholarship from you one day! Anyway, take care.