I’m a night owl. I’ve always been at my most productive when the moon is high and the hours are small. After Madeline was born, my nights started getting later and later. I would come home from work, and the two of us would hang out until after Mike went to bed. It was fun being just the two of us. I’d ignore the little voice in my head that said she should go to bed earlier because we had such a great time bonding. Eventually though, she’d fall asleep, and I’d carry her back to bed and tuck her in next to her daddy. Then I’d go back out to the living room where I’d have a little bit of alone time before I’d join them all in sleep.
I was remembering last night how much I loved carrying Maddie when she was asleep. Carrying a sleeping child always seemed like such a parent thing to do, and I did relish that part of every evening when I’d rest her chubby cheek on my shoulder and bring her to bed. I enjoyed my alone time, too, but I loved when I would climb into our big next to her. She always rolled over into me, and we’d cuddle a bit before she tossed into her next position (she moved a LOT in her sleep). It was wonderful.
In the mornings after I became a stay at home mom, I’d wake up when Mike left for work and then I’d roll over to look at my sleeping girl. Sometimes she’d wake up after Daddy’s goodbye kiss, which was never good (she hated it when Daddy left). Other times, she’d sigh and open her eyes with a smile on her face. She’d push up to a sitting position, pounce on Rigby (who is NOT a morning dog), and then crawl over to me, look into my eyes, and brightly say “HI!” I’d whisper back, “hi baby girl, want to snuggle?” She’d then put her head in the nook of my arm, press her body into mine, and sigh again. Sometimes we could lay like that for the rest of the morning. I knew I was lucky to have a little girl who liked to snuggle.
I miss the closeness of sleeping with my daughter pressed into me. In the spot where she used to sleep is now this:
It’s some of her favorite toys and clothes. Shirts and pants she wore that used to smell like her. Stuffed animals and baby dolls that she loved and kissed. I now pull them into me, and I remember how wonderful and warm she was, how loving she was, and how lucky I am that we had those nights and mornings together.
{ 87 comments… read them below or add one }
((hugs)) I hope those moments are always a clear beautiful light in your memories…. Forever.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..With nods to Sam and Dave….. =-.
Oh so heart breaking that your baby girl is not with you. Your memories are so precious, I hope you can hold them close and they keep you through all of the really hard days and nights. Wishing you strength and peace.
.-= tiff´s last blog ..The cowgirl. =-.
Beautiful memories like this are gems that we can hold and polish in our minds, they never lose their sparkle. Hugs and love to you.
.-= Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..Hang on a minute… =-.
Maddie and Binky are so lucky to have you as a Mommy.
.-= Heidi´s last blog ..2010 =-.
yes, they certainly are.
I fully agree on that one!
Totally agree!!!!
Those beautiful memories! Soon you will have Binky and hoping she’s a snuggler like Maddie and you can make beautiful memories w/ Binky! My daughter has always been a snuggler and she’s grown now and still loves to hug and kiss and snuggle in bed! Sending you hugs XXX
You remind me to never take these moments for granted.
.-= Noelle´s last blog ..It’s a wrap =-.
I continue to read everyday. I’ve “met” you once. You’re amazing!
Oh, Heather. (((hugs)))
It must hurt so much to miss Maddie’s snuggles.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..There’s something weird between my legs =-.
Love love love to you.
xo from CT,
Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..happy happy, joy joy =-.
Huge, huge, tears falling, Heather, just looking at the pile of Maddie’s clothes and toys. It breaks my heart………..
I agree, just looking at that picture breaks my heart into pieces. I could not imagine missing that feeling and smell. Heather, you are an amzing woman, I wish I knew where you gathered your strength to face each day, you are a wonderful mother and a true inspiration to me.
Soon you will be holding your new baby close to your body while holding your memories of Maddie, close to your heart & soul.
Thinking of you all and wishing you nothing but the best.
Take Care.
Jenn
You are lucky to be Maddie’s Mom and she was certainly lucky to be your daughter. I know that you and Binky will have a special bond too. But not before February! Thinking of you every day Heather.
.-= charlane´s last blog ..FLASH DANCE =-.
I wish I had some inspirational words but I’m at a loss. I’m so sorry you don’t have your snuggle buddy. ((Hugs))
Oh mama spohr that just brings tears to my eyes, seeing that pile of clothes and longing for what you have lost. Lots of hugs with love!
((Hugs))
.-= jen´s last blog ..first, this…. =-.
Hugs to you.
(((hugs)))
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..New Drawing =-.
Sweet Heather-I know these holidays have been hard on you…always thinking of you. Know you aren’t totally alone-everytime you post, I read..and like many others when you laugh, we laugh, when you’re aching, we ache too. Unfortunately sweet Maddie is gone but bc of that I remember to enjoy every single tiny moment w my children. I miss Maddie too
Seeing that piles of clothes and toys just breaks my heart.
I am sooo sorry. It just isnt FAIR!!
Hugs to you!!
(((HUG)))
That’s an extra BIG hug.
Those are beautiful memories that I hope continue to warm your heart for a long time. That pile of Maddie’s things breaks my heart. I wish she was snuggled there in that spot with you instead of just her stuff. I’m glad you have it all though, as a nice reminder of the little girl that once laid in that spot.
I hope Binky is a snuggler so you can have a snuggle buddy again.
Thank you for reminding me to cherish all those little moments.
Love and hugs.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Prenatal Screenings =-.
I am glad you have those memories, and that nobody can take those away from you. You will snuggle again soon… It will not be Madeline, but her sister. Another little girl with her own smells and words, you will create memories again…
This month will be a long one for you and your family, but think of the coming snuggle moments to come… while thinking back at the ones you had with Madeline
.-= catherine Lucas´s last blog ..Stuck in snowy Manchester…. =-.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox.. thinking of you, Mike, Maddie and Binky….(hug)
.-= Jodee´s last blog ..Hello 2010 =-.
I have tears in my eyes… seeing that pile of Maddie’s things just breaks my heart… Maddie always loves you, and watches you, and is in your hearts!
I come here, and read bits of your story. I always leave with tears in my eyes, and a feeling that I should say something so much more. You and your family are in my prayers, and I’m so happy for what the next few months will bring for you.
.-= Corinne´s last blog ..Upcoming WordCamps =-.
Her treasure pile is so loved. First by her and then by you. I so wish that you still had your little girl to snuggle close. Always thinking of you and sending you lots and lots of love. xo
Heather:
I originally came across your blog after reading your story last April on Matt Logelin’s blog. My heart broke for you then and has ached every morning since as I read your posts. I’ve never left a comment, but today’s post left me sobbing.
Our girls are the same age and I can not imagine the pain, despair and anguish you feel every moment you are apart. Life is sometimes cruel, and this is the cruelest pain I can imagine.
We don’t know each other, but I pray for you and Binky often. I pray that you are able to heal some of the enormous pain you feel when you hold your new baby girl in your arms. Nothing will ever replace your beautiful Maddie, but you deserve to feel that truest form of love again. I anxiously await the post and pictures announcing Binky’s arrival, and hopefully with it, some tiny piece of renewed hope and peace in your broken heart.
My thoughts, prayers and love all the way from New Jersey! You are an incredibly strong and wonderful woman!
What a sweet baby girl and now an even sweeter angel. I’m so sorry she’s not here anymore and can’t imagine how much you miss her. As always, you remain in my thoughts and heart. Sending you lots of love and comfort and thoughts of your sweet Maddie.
XOXO.
Thank you for making me into a more appreciative mother. I love you for that.
.-= maya´s last blog ..OBSESSED =-.
what a heartbreaking post, but all so lovely at the same time. thanks for sharing it with us.
THANK YOU! This is just what I needed to refocus my thoughts this morning. I’m sleepy today and have tiny bruises in my back from a 2-year-olds toes that like to dig though the night. He’s an active sleeper, too.
While I’ve never met you or Mike and was never blessed to know Maddie, my life and those of my family members, are changed as a result of your awesome love for her.
My heart breaks reading this post and seeing that picture. Please know your blog is so much more than just a blog. For all of us readers that follow, you are giving us such insight into a tragedy that too many people go through, but no one on the outside understands. I pray that if one of us knows another that is suffering, reading this blog will help us to help them and provide them with any small piece of comfort that we may. Maddie continues to do so many good things and spread so much love….
I’m with the others. I can’t even imagine your pain and sorrow. I try to think of you and Maddie when I start losing patience with my daughter. Your story impacts so many whether you know it or not.
I’m so glad you had all those moments, Heather. So glad you ignored the voice telling you she should go to bed instead of play and snuggle. What a full and amazing little life she had!
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..Super Tasty Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies =-.
Her Abby doll… So precious.
I’m glad you got those nights and mornings with Maddie.
xoxo
.-= Alison´s last blog ..Twenty Ten =-.
I can only imagine the longing that you have for your Maddie… what beautiful memories.
.-= Rumour Miller´s last blog ..Resolutions =-.
I’m having teenager issues with my son right now, but after reading your post I am overwhelmed with the clarity of all of his goodness. I will be forever grateful to you for sharing your inner most thoughts with us. Know that through you, Maddie contiue’s to have such a positive influence on my life. I am a better mom because of you and your daughter.
Heather, I come here every day to read your words and follow your story. Some days it is utterly heart breaking. Others bring glimmers of hope and humor. And while we, as readers, are privileged to share your life from afar, I hope this blog will always serve you as a perfect capsule of memories. Because of it you will never forget your best memories of Maddie, of all that she gave you, and of each aching moment that you endured after she passed.
I can’t wait for Binky to arrive (not yet, though!) so that you can begin capturing happy moments again. You, Mike, and Rigby have more than earned some new sunshine in your lives.
The love you and Mike (along with everyone who knows her) have for Maddie just makes my heart smile. Seeing her stuffed animals she loved breaks my heart because I won’t ever be able to see her hold her cat and be still while doing it. But I cherish the blurry moving picture that you sent me. I love you so much.
I too wish I had words that would make you feel even a little better. But I know there are none.
Just know that there are soo many of us that are here for you and that pray for you and sweet Maddie everyday.
Hugs, Jenn
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Welcome to Holland =-.
I slept with a bear and a burp cloth and a blanket for a long time…I think until Seth was born.
Nothing will fill this void, this hole in your heart, but Binky will help to heal it.
Love you.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..What I’m Not =-.
You keep that sweet pile of toys and clothes close to yourself as long as you need to. For months I carried around a snuggly white teddy bear after my parents died. I know that is different, but death is death. I had so little when Daniel Joseph Scott died, as he only lived hours. They gave me the blanket he was wrapped in, and the little hospital gown/tee shirt he wore. A lock of his hair and a copy of his footprints. I still have them.
We weren’t even sure what to name him. He was Joseph Daniel, then Daniel Joseph. Then we added Scott. In the end, his name went on the birth/death certificates as Daniel Joseph Scott Calkins.
Keep the little pile with you, it’s comforting and caring, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. This little pile in your picture looks like a nest. Soon, in this nest, will be another baby bird to nurture.
I read this at a time when my husband and other family members are giving me shit for still having my 11 month old in my bed with me all night every night. I can’t imagine a better feeling than your child’s warm body snuggled up close to you. And what better way to start the day than seeing that little grin first thing? How can this possibly be harmful to either of us? I am glad to know that Maddie, too, got to feel the comfort and security of having her Mama next to her as she slept and dreamed. I am sure Binky will love this ritual, too. I am anxiously awaiting her arrival.
What a beautiful memory. I hope you have lots of times like that with Binky.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Come out, come out wherever you are =-.
I just can’t even imagine how you feel and I am so very sorry. I am so glad that your beautiful baby girl gave you so many wonderful memories.
.-= Danielle´s last blog ..Kicking Ass in 2010 =-.
My heart is breaking. I swear. I am so grateful you will soon have another baby to snuggle. You don’t have to remove Maddie’s things- just add them into your arms with that new warmth coming to you. I see you holding both of your children and I cry.
.-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..This Is Not The Kind Of Attention I Crave =-.
There’s nothing sweeter than knowing that your sleeping child is so comfortable in your embrace that they could stay there forever. I’m glad you at least were able to share that with Maddie and hold those memories tight.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Happy whatever the hell you’re celebrating at this time!!! =-.
reading your posts…especially this one makes me hold my daughter a little tighter, as those special moments are fleeting. hugs and prayers for you. i know she still sleeps in between you – you just can’t see her there.
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..BLT anyone? =-.
Some days, I try to think of what to say, and I just can’t come up with anything that could soothe such outrageously unfair hurt.
I think of your family so often, Heather.
You remember with such great clarity- I know that hurts but….it can also help keep you close to your girl. I know you don’t want to ever forget.
Peace.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..Parting Words To 2009: See Ya! =-.
Sending you love and hugs.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Resolved =-.
Love. It’s a wonderful thing. It changes, but never goes away. You and Maddie are forever.
Oh Heather, you really are a GEM of a mother, never taking one single moment for granted. You have to be the most patient, kind human being I have ever known. Maddie is so equally lucky to have you as her mommy as you are to have her as your daughter. Look out Binky…so much love and spoiling is about to happen, be prepared girl. You are about to get snuggled til the cows come home!
Oh, Heather, it must be such a struggle not to be bitter (as I would be) but you are the picture of poise and humility. I’m so sorry that this happened to you, but so glad that you have this outlet for your memories.
That picture brought tears to my eyes.
Sending you much love!
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Stuck at home =-.
My son can snuggle really well. He’s a tried and true mamas boy. One day he’ll grow up and become a man…but for now, he’s my baby. He’ll always be my baby.
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..Math Is Hard =-.
What beautiful memories. I’m sure Binky will love to snuggle, too, although I know it won’t ever be the same.
.-= Tara.´s last blog ..My Girl. =-.
This just breaks my heart for you.
.-= Maria´s last blog ..on baths and gifts and bare legs and love =-.
Love to you and your beautiful daughters.
.-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..Weekly Winners – 1/3/10 =-.
Smells of loved ones are so intoxicating. Really beautiful moments you two had. Giant hug your way!
.-= Erin´s last blog ..I’m Rich, Bitch! =-.
Love & Hugs
.-= Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..1st Birthday =-.
You know what struck me the most about this post? What an amazing and loving mother you are. I mean, I already knew that you were, but this really hit it home for me. It is just so undeniable that you simply CHERISHED your daughter, each and every day that she was here.
I have re-read some of your old posts, from when Maddie was just a few months old, and you could tell back then too. What I’m trying to say is that in your writing, both new and old, we can all see how full of life and love Maddie was, and how amazing you made every day you had with her, even when you thought you had so many more.
Of course you long to hold her again, and we all wish that could be. But what doesn’t come across in your words is any regret, and what a gift that is! You don’t ever have to look back and kick yourself for not relishing in every moment with your beautiful daughter, or not playing with her more, or not delighting in every smile, laugh, even cry, because you DID! You knew your daughter was so special and you didn’t take her for granted for one single second. Not all mothers can say that.
That goes to show just how extraordinary a mommy you are- because I know, deep in my bones, that even if Maddie hadn’t had a rough start, that you STILL would have mothered her like that. What a lucky, lucky little girl. No wonder she and Binky chose you!
Absolutely!
So many people post, that there is little left to be said. Laura has said it all so prefectly. I am NOT a fan of the “f” word, but Matt’s oft used phrase (f’ing sucks) is what popped into my head when I read this. I’m glad there are people more elequent than I so that you know people feel how much pain you are in, and are praying that time, and your precious new baby are able to help heal it some. Blessings, Megan
.-= Megan J in Ohio´s last blog ..I’m Still Learning =-.
I am so glad you decided to have her sleep in your bed and stay up late with you. All the more time you got to spend with your precious angel.
OK, what is the pink stuffed animal with the tail sticking up, nothing else, my daughter has an elephant she carries with her everywhere, her Ellie, and it looks like the back of it. I am sure it could be something else, but I doubt I will be able to close my eyes tonight thinking about Ellie replacing the spot my daughter should be! THIS is heartbreaking, you are an amazing mom!
Sometimes when I read your blog I get an image in my head, it’s of E.T. pointing his finger towards your heart and saying in that so identifiable E.T. voice “Ouch”. And I don’t mean that in a lighthearted or minimalist way, just that I feel a physical pain in my heart and can only imagine the enormity of yours. I always wish I could heal it for you but I know there is only one thing that could.
My son is almost 5, and we have been blessed to be able to snuggle every night since he was born. It is one of the most amazing things about being a parent, to have a child who loves you so much, s/he wants nothing more than to snuggle into Mommy.
I’m so sorry those moments with Maddie are now memories. I hope you have many, many, many years of nights and mornings of snuggling Binky ahead of you.
Hugs!!
Claire
Sometimes I get overwhelmed or frustrated with my almost 2 year old. You always inspire me to be grateful and appreciate the little things. It can be hard to do when you are in the moment, but a step back is always a good thing. I am stranger who has your family in my thoughts. Good luck with the rest of your family and I can’t wait until you hold your newest addition.
Peace and love to you.
What a special memory, how sad that she is gone. I am praying that Binky will be able to fill that space with joy. She will never replace Maddie but she will be someone that you can love and hold on to. God Bless you.
.-= Debby´s last blog ..KEEPING YOU INFORMED =-.
Hi Heather,
I just received your post via my e-mail again. So, although I read this and commented first thing in the morning, I read it again.
Just as the first time, as I read your words, tears streamed down my face. My 12 yr old son walked in & witness this. He came to me, hugged me and asked why I was so sad. I reread your post and showed him your picture.
He sat quietly for a minute and then suddenly burst out into tears himself and said “That is so sad mom.and it;s not fair!!…I bet her mom is so so sad too”. I hugged him and told him you were and so was everyone who ever had the honour of getting to know Maddie. Then, he said what I’m sure we all feel…”I wish God would have let her stay with her mom because that’s where she SHOULD BE”. My passionate, kind hearted boy…even in his youth, what he would give to give you back your daughter…
I think this post hit us so close to home as we too had a family bed with all of our babies so, I too have the same memories. I wish I could bring Maddie back to you Heather!!
I sit here crying tonight b/c I know no matter how many tears I cry, wishes I wish, prayers I pray, etc…I just can’t do this one thing for you. I feel just so very badly and sorry I can’t.
Please know, although we have never met, and you don’t really know me, your words…your daughter have touched my life to it’s core!! For the first time in my life, I fell in love with a beautiful little girl I have never met and I miss her and long to bring her back where she belongs….in your and Mike’s arms. I look forward to getting to know Binky and sharing all of the wonderful things that will make Binky Binky.
Thank you for sharing your pictures, your video’s, your experiences and your daughters….your LIFE!!! From one Stranger friend to another… I couldn’t think of a more priceless gift and,I am just soo grateful!
As always, big hugs to you hon. Virtually holding your hand as always
. May this new decade hold good things for you. The first of course being the healthy and safe arrival of Binky. Much love!
Those memories are precious. Thank you for sharing them with us. You always make me cry.
This post…..just breaks my heart. There have been other posts of yours that have touched me and made me so sad, but this one? Just the photo alone…the image of you gathering all Maddie’s stuff and cuddling them, remembering the feel of her warm little body cuddled into you. Oh Heather, I just can’t even imagine a hurt such as yours. I have slept with all of my babies and I know that wonderful feeling of cuddling them all through the night and in the mornings, too. I am so glad that you were able to share that special closeness with Maddie. Through all your photos and the videos and in your written words it is so apparent that you cherished every single moment with your daughter, that you didn’t take one single day for granted. You are a wonderful mother, Heather. I hope you know that.
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Christmas =-.
My heart is melting here in Iowa and I am not even sure how with 25 below zero temps, but ya know what? You are just the best mommy ever and Your Binky bump is so heartwarming!! The picture of Abby Cadabby Laying there is a gutwrenching reminder of how precious each and every minute is….I send you nothing but hugs and positive thoughts for a new year filled with love and hope! Missing Maddie….Even my kiddos ask about you guys and your journey to Binky! Very cute!!
Ach, my heart aches for you. I totally cried. *sniff*
I’m so sorry she’s not there with you.
I am so glad that you spent so much time with her while she shared this bodily existence.
I’m a night owl, too–thinking of you!
*HUGS*
What a lovely entry – thank you so much for sharing such sweet details with us. I hope you know that as lucky as you are to have Madeline as a daughter, she is just as blessed to have you as mother.
This was just beautiful. Those wonderful, snuggly memories are so very precious. I’m so sorry she’s not still there by your side.
.-= Elaine´s last blog ..WW – Still Stylin’ After All These Years =-.
I’m glad you have such lovely memories the two of you together. *hugs*
.-= Kellee´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday Diptych #4: Cozy =-.
This is what true love looks like.
hug from me.
You have to love the memories, even if they make us cry! Daughters are so very special. Hold on to those memories, tightly!! Take care, sweetie.