You have a lump in your throat.
You’re nauseous.
The wind is knocked out of you.
Every inch of your body hurts, even your hair.
Yet you feel like your limbs aren’t attached to your torso.
All you want to do is sleep, but closing your eyes brings horrible images.
You scream, but your voice is gone.
Crying hurts.
Breathing hurts.
Living hurts.
Your head is splitting, and your ears are ringing.
There are bruises on your knees from being knocked to the ground.
You carry 1,000 pounds on your shoulders 24 hours a day.
You’re exhausted.
People speak around you, but you feel like you’re in a bubble.
There is always a sense of dread.
Your heart is broken.
You feel all of this all the time.
And yet…
This is only the tip of how grief feels.
{ 84 comments… read them below or add one }
Hugs to you.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last [type] ..Melbourne highlights
Wow. I honestly wish nobody had to go through grief. Nobody. Like Kate said, hugs to you!
I don’t know what to say but really felt that I had to comment. From all of the things I’ve read about Maddie and have seen in videos, she is such a bright, loving, funny, and beautiful little girl but that doesn’t even seem to come close to how amazing she is. Maddie will always live on in our hearts.
Elle´s last [type] ..My nose knows it doesn’t want surgery but my nose is screwed I just hope my mother-in-law won’t have to come out to “help” afterwards
I hope I never have to know a grief like that.
I’m sorry you do. I’m sorry you have to live with those awful, tormenting feelings. It’s so not fair.
katrina´s last [type] ..changes
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
I lost my dad, but that must pale in comparison to losing a child. I wish I had words for you.
All I can tell you is that you are loved. You have people around you who love you, and a gorgeous baby for whom you are the whole universe. You have people all over the world, like me, who feel like they’ve known you for ages even though we’ve never met. We feel and cry and laugh along with you every day. You’re not alone.
(((hugs))) I wish I had words.
Ms_DH´s last [type] ..6 Months
I still wish I could take it upon myself, even for an hour, so you wouldn’t have to hurt so much.
This sounds so pale, but I’m thinking of you. I wish I could do more than that and take the hurt away…
Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last [type] ..I iLove iMy iPad
I am crying for you, Heather. I wish, for about the millionth time, that none of the bad things happened.
That seems so small and doesn’t come close to showing what I am really feeling. But I couldn’t not comment.
You are in my thoughts.
HUGS!! Wish I could do or say something, but I guess cyber hugs are the best I can do. Thinking of you!
Oh,,,,,,,,,,,Heather,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
We wish we could take it all away,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Hugs. Hugs. Hugs. You are loved by more people than you could ever count.
I am so sorry that this is how you must live.
Life can be just so unfathomably unfair.
Ms. Moon´s last [type] ..Apology
Aw, Heather. I’m so, so sorry.
I wish I had something helpful to say in moments like this.
My grief always felt like a heart attack… like I could literally feel my chest caving in around my beating heart.
Heather´s last [type] ..I got my blood work back
I think your grief is in direct proportion to how much you love. That tells me that sweet Maddie is sooooo loved. But, I already knew that. I’m sorry for your pain. I so wish Maddie was here to laugh with you over Annie-antics.
Yes, yes, yes…in direct proportion to how much you love! I think I’ve quoted The Prophet before, but:
***
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
***
Good description, I know exactly how you feel. My thoughts are with you!
(((long hugs)))
Deborah´s last [type] ..My Very Expensive Mistake
I’m sorry, Heather.
No one should have to feel that way.
More hugs coming your way…
Much love and big hugs to you sweetie.
Lisa´s last [type] ..This Pregnancy is Kicking My…
Grief is like being alone in a small boat in the middle of the ocean at night, during the worst storm of the year and your taking on water so much more then you can bail out with your cup. Those nights are endless, crushing, confusing.
I understand completly thoose feelings. I am praying for your heart and healing.
I wish you never had to feel like this.
When I experience grief, I think of this quote:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
~C.S. Lewis in “The Four Loves”
….and then I think of all the joy. If the person associated with the grief never existed, I’d never have experienced all that joy and love. And the loss is the price we must sometimes pay.
Knowing this does make it suck a little bit less when you’re in the throes of heartbreak and grief. It does help a little bit when I put it all in perspective.
Granted, it’s like taking an aspirin in an attempt to quell the pain of having a limb lopped off with a machete — it doesn’t come close to eliminating or even managing the pain by any means, but I like to think that it helps just a tiny bit. And every little bit counts.
When it hurts a stranger friend when a beautiful little child who touched your heart & soul dies, I cannot begin imagine how you feel….your hurt.
When we lost my God daughter her mother once said “As I dropped my 4 yr old off at school today, I caught a glimped of a little blonde haired, blue eye baby girl. I had a flash back….a terrible one from that night in the hospital only I was jolted awake by the sounds of this heart wrenching, blood crudlying SCREAMING. I frantically slowed my van and looked around to see the woman who was screaming so I could stop and go and comfort her. It wasn’t until I realized that woman was…..me. And I wondered to myself as I managed to catch a breath in between my gut wrenching sorrow….why did it take me 21 days to scream”?
I sobbed with her in that moment too. I told her with any passing comes shock and that’s why it probably took her that time to scream. Later she told me as scary and as horrific that primmal scream was, it seemed to unloud some of the weight of the world off of her shoulders and for the 1st time since she took her daughter to the hospital to see if she had the flu or a cold, she could finally breath a little. It was a big improvement. One she was grateful for.
Holding out my hand for you to take it, my arms for you to collaspes into for a hug, fingers to wipe away your tears and eyes to cry with you. Lastly, a heart that is filled with sadness, confusion, frustration, anger and prfound grief 2 perfect baby girls were taken WWWAAAYYY TOO SOON without any type of warning!!!! It’s not fair…..none of it is. I will never understand it and I will never accept it.
Love,
Jenn xo
There are no words (big hugs) and much love sent your way.
Hugs…that is all we can do to help…..
Hugs & Love to you!!
I am so, so sorry you feel this.
I am holding your family in my heart today and trying to send you strength and comfort. I am so sorry for your pain and your loss. Maddie’s light was so bright, it must seem all the darker now she’s gone. But, I know her spirit lives on in you, your words and in all of us who read them.
I so understand all of this.
We lost our baby girl at 20 weeks about a year and a half ago. The grief is still so close at times, especially since we are now pregnant with a little girl and I’m 20 weeks.
I’m a visual person, so the way I describe the pain to people is that it’s like if I could, I would have taken my hand and clawed my chest above my heart. Then I would have the scar that people could see, that would be real. Does that make sense? Not that I actually want to do it, it’s just when you are left with nothing, well, there is nothing. I wish I had something , some battle wound to show what we went through.
Hugs to you Heather. I think of you often.
I’m sorry Heather. I’m sorry that each day brings you these awful feelings. Even though we are strangers, you and your girls are always in my thoughts.
~Liz
I lost my mother and this is exactly how it feels. I feel for you, Heather, and hope you know many people think of you each day. I hope your heart heals with the love you feel from them.
As I read through all the comments, I see how loved you and your family are. I can’t even begin to know what you are going through, i feel sick to my stomach thinking about you losing Maddie, so i can not even begin to imagine the pain you must feel every day. You guys love her so much and she knows how much she is loved. You make me a better person and mom by your strength. Know there are millions of people here for you to lean on.
I cannot imagine the heartache and agony of loosing a child.
You are so strong to go on each day as you do…and your blog and videos bring such joy to many of us!
My heart hurts. I don’t know you in person, but I would gladly take a day of your grief off your hands, one day that you could feel free and happy again. I don’t know your pain. I don’t want to know your pain. I wish to everything that you didn’t have to either. I wish no parent ever had to.
I hurt for you. <3
Chrysalis01´s last [type] ..Truth 6
Your words hit home. It’s so hard to explain to others and to decipher for yourself what is grief, what is real physical pain, wat it anxiety, etc., ad nauseum. For 6 months I was just numb. Now I feel *every*thing way too much. And all the while the hole in my heart gets bigger. I am waking up from this but it sucks. I am opening my eyes to the world again but when I see something that triggers a memory, I’m back down. Manic doesn’t even begin to over it.
I can’t even imagine going through the world in this way, knowing that all you WANT to do is curl up in a ball, but what you HAVE to do is keep on going.
I don’t know you IRL and can’t do anything except to offer support. Thinking about you and hoping tomorrow will be a better day, Heather. Lots of hugs.
My hope is that some of these words comfort you in some way.
So true… those are just the tip of it.
Hugs to you.
Rumour Miller´s last [type] ..The One with the Outdoor Rink
from the bottom of my heart, i truly wish i could take that pain away and shred it to pieces. hugs and more hugs heather <3
xoxo
Your words illustrate the pain of losing a child so completely. I have felt all of these things in the nearly four years since my son died.
Thank you for putting into words things that we (baby lost parents) have felt or are feeling.
I’m a little further along in my grief journey, and the only thing I could say to help is that it is (SLOWLY) getting easier to live life, not just exist. All of my efforts to be human again are really because I have two other children who need me.
I look back at pictures of them (that I took) from those first few years & don’t really remember any of it. I don’t know how I existed or got through it. I’m always amazed that I’m still alive after such a blow, that I could actually live through it.
Much love and peace to you, Mike, and Annie, and of course, Maddie <3
Tara Huls´s last [type] ..I can breathe again
there are no words… sending you tons of hugs…
Thank you for putting my feelings into the perfect words!
My heart aches for you, even though it’s the very faintest echo of what you feel. I wish you had your girl in your arms. But all I can do is send love and hope to try and ease it just the tiniest bit.
Dear Heather,
I found I have to ‘mentally file’ many of the grief feelings away during the day so I can deal w/ the current events happening. If not, my mind constantly ‘goes to the grief’ and kesps me from daily joy and healing.
Then, when I have a few minutes in the evening, I allow my mind to “go there”…open that file drawer…pull it all out, so to speak, and recall details and feelings of loss. This is hard, but each time my mind tries to ‘take me there’ during the day, I make myself ‘file it’ until later.
YOU control what your mind takes you through each day…you are the master of your emotions. Try to picture Maddie waving and smiling to you and Annie from heaven everyday. She wants to see the fun and joy in your life. Bless you.
Yep………I agree. It does feel a lot like that. I know yours is much worse and as insignificant as it sounds, I’m sorry. Love and hugs.
Rebecca´s last [type] ..My New Smartypants Phone
I am so sorry you go through life feeling this way. I can’t imagine the strength it takes just to get up every day and carry on. Thank you for sharing your journey and being so open and honest. I hope over time your sadness will fade but your happy memories of Maddie will always remain. Hugs to you and your family.
And grief feels like you are lost in a crowd. Invisible. Only you can see the black Lumbering Shadow around you, your heart in your feet. So heavy you can’t run away from the Lumbering Shadow. Swallowing you whole and no matter how hard you you try to yell for help, everyone in blissfully oblivious.
Love you guys. xo
I can’t walk in your shoes, but I can walk beside you and hold your hand along the way. ((((hugs))))
Heather,
I’ve read your words for what seems like forever, and cried many a times right beside you. But today of all day, I think you wrote those words for ME to see. I swear.
I just found out this morning we lost our 10th pregnancy (14th baby, oh god those numbers make me SICK!) and I couldn’t find the words to how I feel. But there you have it.
We loose our spouse, we’re called widows/widowers. Kids loose parents they’re called “Orphans.” But this… this loosing a child thing….
there are no words for that. (forgive me, that notion was said by a man who lost his whole family, I forget his name at the moment)
Thank you for sharing your emotions on today of all days. Although it won’t stop the hurt, it’s a decent band-aid for the moment.
-Tracie
I know how grief feels and its awful. I am so sorry that you feel this terrible pain. I cannot imagine the pain in losing a child. I look at mine and cannot even let my mind go there.
Thank you for sharing your emotions. Hoping it helps if even a little…
Sending you so much love.
I know this grief. I am losing my 18 year old to drugs and I feel that way every minute of every day. So sorry for your loss.
I share the same feeling, missing my girl is an understatement, what you wrote describes it better I think. I actually never say I miss her because “missing” would not be appropriate, is more like I am missing my entire self, my heart, breath and soul, my sun.
I also hate those moments when that feeling of not having them hits you again as if it were the first time , like a suden shock, a moment of terror to finally realize that is not a nightmare…it is the truth.
You.
If only.
I wish the lifelines we all want to throw you and then pull in with every last bit of our strength to pull you miles and miles from the hurt weren’t so bloody impotent.
Thinking of you.
Amanda´s last [type] ..The Me Behind the Myth
people forget that the feeling is always there, thanks for reminding us
Wishing you peace…always.
Oh Heather. My heart just breaks for you. I’d like to echo Meg in wishing you some sort of peace. x
Heather, wishing I could do something – anything – to make it better, even for a moment. Know that there are people everywhere who are thinking of you and praying for you and wishing you peace and strength and love.
BIG (((((((HUGS))))))) and LOVE to you, today & always.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
You are such a strong mama to be able to put it into words like you do. ((hugs))
kbreints´s last [type] ..never assume
I don’t know you or your sweet Maddie, but my heart hurts for you. You are in my prayers.
{{ hugs }}
Heather,
You don’t know me. I have been following your blog for awhile now. Your words are so powerful.
I echo everyone else when I say that I wish you did not have to feel this pain. No one should have to go through it. If I could, even though we don’t know each other, I would take some of it for you.
All I can do is tell you that Maddie has touched alot of people, and was so loved by her mommy and daddy. No one can take that from you. She is a beautiful little girl. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs from Atlanta, GA
I’m sorry that you or anyone else has to feel those feelings.
MyBabyBeluga´s last [type] ..Wonderful Wednesdays
On the day Annabel was born, a friend of a friend of mine, Lynette, whose baby had been born at 26 weeks, lost her baby girl. The very day! I think Annabel passed Olive Hope in the air, with Annabel on the way to earth and Olive Hope on the way to Heaven. Even though they’ve gone back to Thailand, where they are missionaries, the 1st anniversary is coming up and it’s not going to be easy. I think she reads your blog, and I know you reached out to her, which I truly appreciate. Lynette knows what grief is…..
Heather-
I do not blog or have a website but I check yours everyday .I pray and hope to find a happy post but know even in those happy moments you are still grieving on the inside and at times it brings me to tears over my morning coffee. I pray for you to find peace in your grief. I enjoy your site! You have a beautiful family.
Best-
Leslie
I wish I could take your burden from you for a day or just a few hours so you could feel like yourself again. Wishing you peace.
Hugs! Still running that marathon with you! Today it is a definite hide under the covers and sleep day though. I am trying for an actual marathon and just couldn’t get myself out of bed to do it today.
I am in the throes of potty training too. Let me just say this, “AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!”
Heard one of the songs tonight that I listened to 4 years ago when my twins were born. Just brought everything back. The feeling of detachment. I remember trying to go back to what was normal. The night before we were going to take my Noah off life support we drove over to the library where I worked. It had already closed but I had a key. I had just been there working a few days before. I remember just looking at my desk, walking through the isles of books, and just wanting normal again.
Just wanted to write that tonight.
Much love!
God bless you, Heather. Sending a ton of hugs & prayers your way.
I’m in Bali at the moment, trying to find the perfect Balinese dress for Annie. Will I go pink or blue? How are Heather and Mike right now, in the world? Yesterday I saw a baby girl who was 16 months old, total image of Madeline. She was so gorgeous …. even had Maddies long precious fingers. I send you love and peace wherever I am, Heather. Daily. Love you mate. Look out for a package in the mail … complete with traditional gold head dress. For Annies dress-up collection. XOX
Wow, you describe it so well. Lost someone I dearly loved over 30 years ago and I still feel exactly as you listed. So sorry such wonderful people as you and Mike have to know grief at all.
love and hugs to you
There are no words… sending hugs.
Dawn @ What’s Around the Next Bend?´s last [type] ..my proverbial wall
Oh Heather…I wish I could shoulder just a little bit of that burden for a little while. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Kristin´s last [type] ..Welcome to the Casa de Plague
Yes.
I’m so sorry.
The sense of dread, especially, is so exhausting imo, especially when it replaces hope.
Love and hugs to you.
I have never known grief like this but you paint such a picture with you words that I feel like I can step into your world for just a moment. I’m sure what I imagine is only 1 billionth of what it must really feel like for Mike and you. So, I admire you that you can be amazing parents to Annabel even while walking under the weight of crushing grief. My prayers go out to you.
HUGS and wonderfully written. I just wish there was a anything I could do to help you.
Kristin MamaKK922´s last [type] ..Tattoo Me Baby
I’m a new reader, but I went back and read much of the archives and I wanted to tell you that even though I didn’t have the honor of knowing Maddie, I will never forget her beautiful smile. My daughter, Addy, will be one on Feb 3rd and since she certainly doesn’t need more toys, I will be mentioning the possibility of friends and family donating to Friends of Maddie in her name. I admire you for your amazing strength. And little Annie is just adorable as well!
I have tears for you. I am so sorry.
Every word of what you wrote is true.I wish that no one else in the world would ever lose a child. There is no way to explain it to anyone. It is not like losing a parent, grandparent or friend. It never goes away.
This is one of the most accurate descriptions of something so indescribable that I have read in a long time.
Sloane Reed´s last [type] ..June
Nobody should hurt like that. If only we all could help you carry a little of that burden.
I would like to send you hugs too. You describe grief so accurately. You are so right it is 24/7 and where ever you go it goes too. Take care.
amourningmom´s last [type] ..Stars