Every single night the same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight
Still I always feel the strangest strangement
nothing here is real, nothing here is right
I’ve been making shows of trading blows
just hoping no one knows
That I’ve been going through the motions
walking through the part.
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart.
~Joss Whedon
Madeline’s third birthday is on Thursday, the eleventh. I have been keeping myself ridiculously busy to avoid thinking about it, busy to the point where it all caught up with me and I made myself sick.
Sometimes I wish I could wear a shirt or have a sign that says, “please be nice to me today. I’m hurting,” or “My oldest daughter is dead, and I am just a shell today.” But there’s no way for anyone to know just by looking at me what I’m going through.
Every day of every week is hard, but weeks like this one are especially difficult. Other events that would hold sadness are buoyed by Annabel. But this, this is an event that would have belonged solely to Madeline. It’s her special week, her special day. You all know I make birthdays into huge events. A measly 24 hour period isn’t enough to properly celebrate a birthday. And it certainly isn’t enough time to celebrate a child who fought so hard to HAVE a birthday.
This will be my second November 11th without Madeline. She only got one birthday. One.
So please forgive me if you see me this week. I’m just going through the motions.
{ 163 comments… read them below or add one }
We’ll be thinking of you, Maddie and the rest of the family this week.
Happy 3rd Birthday Maddie!
Annie Y´s last [type] ..The Concrete Jungle
This and every Remembrance Day, I hold you and Maddie in my heart. Sending you love and hugs.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last [type] ..Gorillas
Oh, I am so sorry you are hurting. Bless you, will be lifting you up this week.
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing´s last [type] ..Yep- I said those things
I’ll be thinking about you guys this week. You’re amazing for even going through the motions. Keep on going for both of your beautiful daughters.
Sending warm thoughts and plenty of hugs your way November 11 and throughout the year.
I will be thinking of the entire Spohr Family and especially Maddie this week. Sending good vibes your way.
I’ve been thinking about her upcoming birthday for weeks now, thinking about you and Mike and hoping it wouldn’t hurt too much. I’m so sorry. I can say that a thousand times and never get close to you knowing how much I mean it. I’m so sorry she’s not here. I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I’ve been meaning to ask, but couldn’t quite build up the nerve, if it would be ok to post something in remembrance of Maddie on her big day?
No words for you Heather, no words for your family… I do not know what to say as I know nothing that I say will really help. Thinking of you always.
catherine lucas´s last [type] ..A cathedral kittie
Thinking of you all
xxx much love
Athina´s last [type] ..Day 21 – Your job and-or schooling
I share Maddie’s birthday week (mine’s the 10th) and think of her more often this week than any in the year. It is heartbreaking that she only got to celebrate one birthday. She deserved more. You all did. Happy third birthday, Maddie! Keep on going through the motions, Heather and Mike, and you’ll get through to the other side of this week. You are all four in my thoughts and prayers.
Heather, I can’t believe another year has gone by. I am so sorry for your loss, and send positive thoughts your way in your time of sorrow.
Holding you and Mike in my thoughts.
Jennifer´s last [type] ..A location poem
I so wish that your Maddie could be with you. I’ll be thinking of you this week.
Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last [type] ..I’ve got some explaining to do
I absolutely understand. Do whatever it is you need to do to get through this.
As always, I’m just so endlessly sorry this has happened to you.
Missing Maddie with you.
xo
There is nothing wrong with going through the motions at a time like this. Take care of yourself and your family and the rest will take care of itself. I’ll be thinking about you all this week.
Brandy´s last [type] ..A Spookily Good Time
I am horrible with words…just know that I’m thinking of you all.
Much love,
Chantelle
Chantelle @ photo mommy´s last [type] ..Weekly Winners October 31 – November 6
I am thinking of you and your family. Happy birth week to your sweet Maddie Moo in heaven.
so sorry that your beautiful daughter is not here with you to celebrate. i wish that she were.
My heart is breaking for you, Heather. Happy 3rd Birthday sweet, beautiful Maddie…………………………….
My heart aches for you. I can’t find the right words to say ; I’m just so sorry she isn’t here with you, mike and Annie. So very sorry. Sending hugs and love your way.
I’ll be thinking & keeping you in my prayers (all 4 of you ) during this week – you do what you have to do – and forget about what other people is thinking or saying – you dont need any excuses!
Happy birthday sweet Maddie.
As so many others have said, there are just no words, but I’ll be praying for strength and peace for your sweet family this week.
Thinking of you all… I have nothing to add that the others haven’t said, except that like them, I am thinking about you.
Many good wishes coming your way. Many happy thoughts of Maddie. Would you like us all to release purple balloons on Thursday?
Hey heather, I’m really sorry about all of this. I don’t know what to say, because I have no way to relate to what you’re going through. I would say maybe you and Mike should do something special on Madeline’s birthday, just to celebrate the time that you did have with her, but maybe that would be too hard for you at this point. Hugs, Alexandra
Thinking of you this week as you go through the motions! My heart goes out to you!
You’re right, most people you meet and come across would never know to look at you what you’ve gone through and what you’re going through. But–I’m glad that you have us, your blog readers, that you can be open and honest with.
I understand, as BLM, the pain that you are in and how difficult special days are. The anticipation is always the toughest for me, even after 3 1/2 years. Know that we are grieving with you, but also celebrating the amazing Madeline and the incredible impact that she had in her short life.
Peace and love, Tara
Even though I never met your beautiful Madeline I think of her of often and she will always hold a special place in my heart. I wish I could do something to take away the heartache all of you are feeling. I’m sure whatever you do to celebrate Maddie will have her smiling down on you. Sending you extra prayers, good thoughts, and hugs this week. Happy Birthday Maddie more people then you could ever know love you and always will.
I really cannot come up with any words, but I could not read this post without responding in some way. I cannot fathom your pain. I am so very sorry.
Will be thinking of you and your family this week Heather. Sending you a virtual hug.
I just went through Deepavali (festival of lights). Its a huge bright Hindu Festival in India. It was my first Deepavali without my mother. I went through my birthday with out my mother. It was the first one without her. I went through h her birthday without her.
I am going to go through all the festivals without her. WITHOUT MY MOTHER. I have been living without her, everyminute of the day, week and year. I will have to live without her for the rest of my life. I showed Maddy’s photo when my mother was alive, and she loved your Maddy. I hope they are friends now. I wish my mother and Maddy were alive and were in our lives. I wish we could stop hurting so much….
Love
Childwoman
Sending love, Heather.
Lora´s last [type] ..Tidbits
I so deeply feel your pain. I just celebrated my angel’s 3rd birthday 2 weeks ago. He never got to celebrate a birthday…he passed away when he was 2 days old. It has gotten easier, though. Every year, a small bit of the sadness is replaced with happiness. I wish I could tell you some magic cure to fix this week…but there is none. Looking back at the 2nd birthday I spent without him to the 3rd though, I will tell you it has gotten easier. Not by much, but some. I hope my Anthony is having a grand celebration up in heaven with your beautiful Maddie.
I cant begin to imagine the pain and loss you feel. I am so very sorry she is not here to celebrate such a beautiful day. It is cruel and unfair, but please know that Madeline will not be forgotten and my family will honor her on her special day! xxxx
I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, knowing Maddie’s birthday was right around the corner. Doing my best to warm you with my thoughts, support you with my love and tell you I’m here with my hugs.
Love and hugs Heather, today and always, but especially this week.
Tomorrow is the 12th anniversary of losing my brother. Your post just hit me right as far as understanding what my mom goes through every fall (and spring when it’s his birthday). Your beautiful blog does such a service to the world Heather. There is such a lack of understanding of how incredibly painful and difficult special days are without our loved ones. I WISH you and my mom could wear a shirt advertising exactly why you’re not into the world at these moments. It’s unfair. It feels like the world should stop for everyone, not just you. Take care of yourself.
It’s my birthday week as well and I’m definitely keeping you, Mike, Maddie & Annie in my thoughts this week.
(((hugs))) XOXO
AmazingGreis´s last [type] ..Wordless Wednesday – Sunbathing…
Happy Birthday, Maddie. <3
Sending love to you and Mike, Heather.
Tears of sorrow fall from my face when I think of the baby girl who was robbed of so many things and of her parents who fight to even take a breath.
Life is unfair….so cruel and can be so unforgiven but you are not alone in your darkness….you are NEVER alone.
Oh huge hugs and prayers to you and Mike. I am sure your Aunt and Maddie are having a most wonderful, joyful birthday celebration together in heaven.
You know what? I am going to light a candle right now. It will burn all week on my mantle and it will be for you and for Maddie and for Mike. Here in Florida there will be a tiny flame that sends up my thoughts to you.
Ms. Moon´s last [type] ..Thanks And I Mean It
My heart is heavy for you guys – I am so very sorry. You are all in my thoughts.
Happy birthday, sweet girl!
Thinking of you as always.
(((hugs)))
Deborah´s last [type] ..Purchasing a Domain Name
You all keep popping into my mind. We all love you and we all love Maddie. xoxoxo
Lots of prayers and loving thoughts being sent your way. Sometimes going through the motions is the best we can do.
extra hugs today. extra prayers.
Will be thinking of you guys as always, but sending extra love and strength this week.
mel´s last [type] ..Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for
Try planning something fun on Maddy’s birthday — something she would have enjoyed — invite a few friends and family and then go out and do it … in her honor.
Kim Wencl´s last [type] ..The Summer of Weddings
You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers during this very hard week.
I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I wish I knew some words that would bring you comfort, but I do not. In Canada, the 11th is Remembrance Day (I don’t know if you have something similar there) and I will be remembering your sweet beautiful Madeline and praying for comfort for you.
Mrs. Wilson´s last [type] ..outie
Heather – This is, indeed, a difficult time. I am not going to say otherwise. I want to tell you about what happened to me last week. Monday, November 1 should have been my sweet baby Will’s 3rd birthday. He was born 23w6d and was with us for every single day in November 2007. Though he was only here for that short time, I feel like it was forever. I am proud that I spent everyday of his life here on earth with him (in the NICU). I don’t understand it, I continue to grieve. One day not long after he passed, my husband had a dream that is Mom (also deceased) was giving Will a bath… I was so jealous that I did not have a connection like that since he passed. Well, this passed Monday was an extremely bad day… as imagined. On Tuesday I was rocking my sweet baby girl to sleep (who is now 21 months). Every night she tried to negotiate her way out of bed time… this night was no different. After all her tricks went unsuccessful she looked up at me and said “happy.” I asked her if she was happy and she said, “Baby Will happy.”
She made my year! Of course I wish he was here with us but I believe with all my heart he is in a better place, celebrating life and waiting for us to be with him again. In heaven life is eternal and the time it will take for us to meet him again seems forever to us but just a blink of an eye to him. He won’t even have time to miss us. It is us, here on earth, that suffer. Selfishly we want him here. But clearly his place is in heaven looking after us and his baby sister.
I am thinking about you this week, offering strength and peace. Celebrate Maddie. She wouldn’t want it another other way.
My dear lady. I am holding you up this week. Happy birthday to your beautiful girl, and wish she was here.
Gillian´s last [type] ..To Quote Paul Simon – The Morning Sun is Shining Like a Red Rubber Ball
I will be wearing purple on Thursday in honor of Maddie and your family. Extra prayers will be going out to you and your family during this difficult week.
How could that adorable Maddie, who has brought so much love to so many people only celebrate ONE birthday? So unfair.
I’m thinking of you this week and I think you should should still celebrate all the Maddie is.
All I can think of to say is…it sucks..its not fair..I’m so sorry..love you..and it just sucks. I’m sorry for your heart and loss.
I will hold you near to my heart all week and hope it helps you to get through.
(((HUGS))) from Florida
I wish I could give you a normal hug, but since I can’t please know that I will be thinking of you, and your sweet daughters, this week and especially Thursday. xoxo.
Hugs.
We’re here for you this week and always.
Lessons in Life and Light´s last [type] ..Then vs Now
No words. Just I’m sorry, and I’ll be praying for you this week.
Oh, Heather.
I don’t know you and I don’t comment often, but I visit your blog every day for inspiration, smiles, and yes, sometimes tears.
My friend (also named Heather) has a son who shares Maddie’s birthday, and I always think of Maddie as his birthday rolls around.
Sending you hugs!
P.S. The Buffy Musical is one of my FAVORITE things and when that came out, I was going through a tough time and sooo related to that song.
Heather,
It is so easy for us to offer solace and platitudes.
(So many people wish you well, and is that not a beautiful thing!)
I hope that you can find some way to celebrate the joy of Maddie on her birthday, send her a balloon, and smile for her.
Tears of course, but she deserves to see you smile for her as well.
I know she’ll always be with you all.
Be well. Wish you peace~
My heart goes out to you and your family. You will all be in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry you only got that one birthday. It’s just not fair. I’ll be thinking of you all often this week.
I don’t know what to say besides I’m sorry… and you are all in my thoughts.. not only this week, but always.
Heather,
While I have seen beautiful pictures of Maddie everywhere, it was only two weeks ago that I began to explore your blog and read your story.
Since that time, I have become a bit obsessed with reading about her, getting to “know” her. Having originally clicked on her picture because there was a bit of a resemblance to my own daughter, I wasn’t at all prepared for how much she would effect me, and how much I would hurt for a family that I have never even met in real life. Maybe it is because my Saeryn has the same little red piano. Maybe because Saeryn and Annie are a month apart. Maybe it is that impish little smile on the faze of your girl that beckons me to read, read, read, and cherish every single moment. Maybe it is because, up until two weeks before she was born, “Madeline” was the front-running name for my girl. Maybe that isn’t any of it…maybe it is survivor’s guilt, and my inability to understand why this happened to such an incredible little girl, such a loving family. I read the archives over and over, hoping only to come across an alternative ending, to have it be different somehow. I cannot remotely begin to imagine your pain, because just dipping my toe into your story has rendered me unable to think of much else some days. I hurt so much for you, and I don’t even know you. I have been trying to make sense of why.
I don’t know exactly, and I don’t know the words to offer you, because they do not exist. But…I needed you to know that I have cried for you every single day since reading about Maddie, and I think of your family all. the. time.
I just wanted you to know.
24 hours isn’t nearly enough. But Maddie is so lucky that you celebrate her every day right here. That we all celebrate her sweetness and strength each time we pop back over to see how you all are doing. And we send good wishes your way. Happy Birthday to Maddie.
Heather,
I am sorry. I wish I could give you a hug.
My son turns 2 on November 11th… I just wanted you to know I will be thinking about you and your sweet daughter that day. He shares a birthday with a very special little girl. I hope that one day in the future your heart doesn’t hurt so much. Thank you for your beautiful blog and your stories about your daughters. I will keep your family in my heart this week.
Liz
There’s nothing to say but how sorry I am, how much I wish she could be with you. I hope you can be tender with yourself this week. Sending you love. I’ll be thinking of Maddie on the eleventh especially.
I am so very sorry you are hurting. My heart hurts for you and your family. I will be praying and thinking of you all this week and especially on the 11th. Sending you BIG hugs from our family to your. XOXO
Nicole´s last [type] ..Life is a Thrill Ride!
I just flipped through a few of Maddie’s photos from your Flickr stream…that incredibly beautiful, spirited little girl and her inner light still shine to this day.
Thinking of you guys this week.
I’m not even sure exactly what to say but just know you will all be in my thoughts this week. Happy early Birthday Maddie.
I don’t post often, but I wanted to say I’m thinking of you guys.
I wish I could think of something wonderful and wise to say, but I can’t. It’s still not fair.
I am very certain that Maddie and Aunt Kathy are going to have a wonderful birthday celebration together. I so wish they could be here to celebrate with everyone.
I’ll be wearing my purple on Thursday to celebrate Maddie. Love to you, Mike, Maddie, and Annie (and of course Rigby, too). I wish I knew you in person so that I could give you all a big hug.
Hugs. I’ll be wearing purple on the 11th to celebrate Maddie. Hang in there.
Ms2Mrs..and back to Ms´s last [type] ..Guilt and a Question
(((((HUGS))))))
Sending you much love and hugs this week. And I will wear my purple proudly on Thursday, and think of Maddie and celebrate her life. She was such a beautiful amazing little girl!!
there are no words. please just know that you are constantly in my thoughts. i will definitely be thinking about Maddie and wearing purple in her honor on thursday.
You are such a strong woman, Heather. Keeping Maddie, you, & your family in my thoughts.
I hope everyone you encounter is super extra nice to you all week even if they don’t know what you are going through. I am so sorry you have to go through this and I will be holding your family close in my thoughts all week.
I will being thinking of you and your family this week. Just know that you are loved.
I admire your strength and courage to live so vulnerably; with all of the world watching! It may be too soon, and you may be hurting too much still, but I say you still have a birthday party…and a birthday week…for Madeline every year because she did work hard to have her birthday! And you worked hard too! Happy birthday Madeline.
Sending my love and thoughs to you and your family this week. <3
I’ll be thinking of you and your entire family this week!
Thinking of you during this tough week…Nice use of Buffy music, Joss really understands the human condition.
And I’ll be wearing purple as well as a small reminder of how Maddie’s spirit is still present, even if she is not.
No word can bring back Maddie.. I am so sorry for what you are going threw. Know that you and your family our in my thoughts and prayers!!
I’m pretty sure people all over the WORLD will be celebrating Maddie. We should all wear purple.
Rebecca´s last [type] ..No Shave November
oh, Heather… Hugs, I’m sending you so many hugs, mama.
It’s a lonely journey, but we’re here hurting with you. And it does hurt…
Happy Birthday Maddie…I am sure you are a beautiful angel watching over everyone! =)
Happy Birthday Maddie. You are all especially in my heart this week.
Loving you and your family – last week, this week and next – praying that the world sends you whatever bit of kindness it can muster. It is so hard for this time to come and go, and I send you huge ((HUGS)).
Sending a special prayer up to your beautiful angel to send down peace and to visit you in your dreams.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
Hang in there this week. I feel for you and appreciate you sharing yourself with all of us. Even though I would never wish any one to join this “club” I am glad none of us are alone. My little boy, Blake, never got to celebrate a birthday. But I got 99 precious days with him. I have now celebrated his birthday without him 11 times and although it never gets easier I have adapted. I describe the way I have had to change my life to suit the “different” me I have become since I lost him as being similar to losing a limb. I don’t do anything the same way and nothing is the same but even though I am missing a part of me I’m still me. My thoughts are with you this week.
My thoughts are with you. I know it’s not the same by any means but Maddie is alive in all of us and we’re here for you.
Elle´s last [type] ..The Post Where I Say Breastfeeding…A Lot
I’ll definitely keep you and your husband and family in my prayers this week. Big internet hugs to you all.
Carrie´s last [type] ..Conversations with a 3-year-old
What an especially hard week for you & your family. Nov 11th will always be Maddie’s special day. Big Hugs. Love.
Wishing your heart comfort during this week.
Someone said it earlier in the comment thread: I don’t comment often, but I couldn’t let this go by.
I thought of you and the week coming up while at church this weekend and said a prayer for your family. You all will be in my thoughts and prayers.
I remembered that it was Maddie’s birthday because it is so close to mine. You and Mike are in my thoughts as you move through this week. (((hugs)))
Thinking of you this week. I’m so sorry your sweet girl isn’t with you.
I know it sweetie. Emma’s birthday is next month and it is never easy. She would be 8 this year. EIGHT! I just don’t know when that happens.
I love you and am keeping you, Mike, Annie and Maddie in my heart and prayers right now and always.
xoxo
Kim´s last [type] ..The Miracle of Sleep
I am so sorry…. I will be thinking of you and your sweet Maddie.
You’re in my thoughts today and every day.
I think that having her birthday be on Remembrance Day is no coincidence. I’ll be remembering her all day, although I never knew her.
I’ll be wearing purple all week in honor of Madeline.
Sending you and your family crazy amounts of love <3
Sending you, Mike, Annie and Rigby HUGSsssss
Happy Birthday Maddie! XO
I’ll wear purple on Thursday to honor Maddie!
Hugs to you. Thinking of you all and sweet Madeline . . .
Happy Birthday Maddie. Thinking of you all this week. I’ll be wearing purple on Thursday. <3
Her curls would be so long and bouncy.
May you find some comfort in each other. Or something. Anything.
Amanda M.´s last [type] ..Manga Monday- H2O
How you must miss her.
Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
mythoughtsonthat´s last [type] ..Payback
Thinking of you during this impossible time. And Happy Birthday to Madeline. I think of her often.
The Fighter
I fight a battle every day
Against discouragement and fear;
Some foe stands always in my way,
The path ahead is never clear!
I must forever be on guard
Against the doubts that skulk along;
I get ahead by fighting hard,
But fighting keeps my spirit strong.
I hear the croakings of Despair,
The dark predictions of the weak;
I find myself pursued by Care,
No matter what the end I seek;
My victories are small and few,
It matters not how hard I strive;
Each day the fight begins anew,
But fighting keeps my hopes alive.
My dreams are spoiled by circumstance,
My plans are wrecked by Fate or Luck;
Some hour, perhaps, will bring my chance,
But that great hour has never struck;
My progress has been slow and hard,
I’ve had to climb and crawl and swim,
Fighting for every stubborn yard,
But I have kept in fighting trim.
I have to fight my doubts away,
And be on guard against my fears;
The feeble croaking of Dismay
Has been familiar through the years;
My dearest plans keep going wrong,
Events combine to thwart my will,
But fighting keeps my spirit strong,
And I am undefeated still!
S.E. Kiser
Thinking of you, Heather… sending all the love I’ve got.
Happy Birthday sweet Maddie.
xo
Jessica´s last [type] ..Sandwich Showdown with Tyler Florence
It is so unfair that she only got to celebrate one birthday. I just can’t get over that- only one. It is also so hard to believe that another year has passed. How can that be?
Your sweet angel baby will be in all of our hearts- this week and on her birthday and always. Thank you for sharing your daughter with us.
((Hugs))
Oh (((HEATHER!)))
There is no “right” thing to say, nothing that can bring you comfort or peace. I can only offer you love and hugs and the promise that *I* and many, many others will remember. Remember what a firecracker of a little girl she was, how she had the most gorgeous curls and eyes and how you KNEW she had a great sense of humor, even though she was so little.
Big, big, squishy hugs for you and Mike.
I wish I could see you this week. To give you a hug, or a joke, or a glass of wine, I don’t know what. Anything to make the moments pass and get you through.
Thinking lots of Maddy this week. Sending you, Mike, and Annie lots of hugs. She deserved so many more than just one. But glad she had you as her mom for that one she did have.
Thinking of you. Hugs to you and Mike. And Happy Birthday to Maddie.
punkinmama´s last [type] ..halloween 2010
Heather, my heart hurts so much for you. For you and Mike, and Annie. For Maddie, who is not here to share what should be a joyful, joyful celebration. I have no words. All I have are hugs and love and light being sent across the interweb. Love to you all, be gentle with yourselves this week.
Hugs,
Tricia xoxoxox
Sending you love.
My heart hurts for you, Mike, Rigby, and the rest of your family. Sweet Madeline will always be loved and missed, even by people who never met her in real life.
*HUGS* to you all. And Happy Birthday Madeline!
Just Jiff´s last [type] ..My Big Three
Buffy, she always could sum it up, couldn’t she.
Thoughts of you this week.
Heather,
I have been thinking about Maddie a lot this week – remembrance day (Nov 11) is a huge deal in Canada. While it is primarily a military holiday – and I will take the time to honor/remember/mourn my friend who came home from Afghanistan under our flag – the day also belongs to your Maddie. Too many moms have had to bury their children and this day is a stark reminder of that. Thursday I will be celebrating your precious little girl.
I will not have Internet access on Thursday, but please know I am thinking of you all.
Hugs to all of you. I wish I could make it better for you.
Oh how I wish I could give you many, many more birthdays with your beautiful Maddie. My heart aches. Know you guys are all in my thoughts & prayers & always in my heart.
((hugs))
Wearing purple on Thursday <3 Love to you today, tomorrow and always.
I am often reminded to “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”. It’s so true that we encounter people every day who are dealing with things that don’t necessarily show on the outside. I will remember you and Mike and Maddie and Annie and pray that I will remember to be kind to everyone I meet, in case someone else is fighting a battle of their own.
Heather, I always loved you, but now that I know you love Buffy I love you even more. And it is a fitting metaphor, because you did have heaven on earth when you had Maddie. I am glad you got another piece of heaven with Annie but it is OK that you still wish for the rest of heaven, you deserve it. Hang in there, we’ll be thinking of you and sending positive energy your way.
gingerb´s last [type] ..She said it- she finally said it!
I wish there was a way to know what people are going through too…you just never know by looking at them. I wish we knew so that we could be extra nice and understanding. We’ll all be thinking about Maddie this week. Happy Birthday sweet girl!
heart wrenching….
sending comforting vibes your way….
Heather, I can’t even imagine your pain. But because of your pain, I make a point each and everyday to appreciate every moment I have with my 5 month old son. I don’t know how you make it, but you’ve inspired me to be a better mother. And I know Madeline would be proud of you for honoring her as beautifully as you always do.
I too know how it feels to be going through the motions and just getting through the minutes of each agonizing day. Wish i had some words for you to make the pain stop or at least ease alittle, I’ll send you some big hugs and vibes.
Hugs Heather! I know everyday is hard and some days are harder…hug baby Annie and keep Mike close to your side and they will help you through this week. A friend of mine’s 26 year old son died unexpectedly today. I can only imagine the pain the two of you feel. I actually listen to that song “I can only imagine” at least four or five times a week b/c it reminds me of my brother who was taken too soon. Thank you for sharing with us, you have made the world a better place!
One birthday is not NEARLY enough…wishing you peace and comfort as you continue your journey in grief.
Heather, I am a faithful reader of your blog, although I don’t comment that often. I’m sorry…life can be so unfair. Madeline deserved many, many more birthdays and a wonderful life. She was a beautiful little girl. My heart hurts for her and for you, Mike, and Annabel who must go on without her. I can’t imagine the depth of your pain and loss. Take care of yourself this week and get through it however you can. Sending you hugs from Texas…
Glam-O-Mommy´s last [type] ..Im Still Here
Be kind to yourself….we will be thinking of all of you this week. Especially your beautiful little Madeline!
Big hugs to you and Mike.
Oh Heather, I’m so sorry that you have to go through this!
I’m sending tons of thoughts and hugs your way from Chicagoland.
Cassandra´s last [type] ..To Catch Up
Heather, I am so sorry you are hurting. I wish there was something we could all do to lift your burden. I will be thinking of you and your precious Maddie this week. She has touched so many.
Love, Paige
so much love to you and your family. there are no words. xxx
I ache for you all. Maddie and all of you guys are always in my heart.
xoxo
I don’t post often, but read faithfully. I love your (well, Annie’s, really) videos and admire tremendously your strength, honesty, and humor. I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you this week. I wish you peace and love.
I am so, so sorry for your heartache. I cannot begin to imagine your grief. I hope that your tears will be mingled with happy memories of your beautiful daughter.
I have nothing profound to say, but just wanted to let you know that you are loved.
I am so sorry that your precious girl isn’t here to eat more cream puffs on her special day.
Thinking of you and your family this week (and always.)
I’m so sorry your Maddie isn’t there for her birthday. I can’t imagine how terrible it must feel. Be gentle with yourself.
Heather, I wish I had some magic words to make your pain go away. You are always in my thoughts and prayers…sending extra your way this week. Happy birthday sweet Madeline.
Heather,
I’m so sorry for your pain.
Last year on Maddie’s birthday, I read my boys the book “I love you the Purplest.” It’s about a mom that shows her love for her 2 boys in different ways…She loves one the “bluest,” the other the “reddest” adding up the love for them is the “purplest.”
I will read it to them again this year in honor of her birthday… always knowing that Maddie’s favorite color was purple… and purple love is the best kind of love to have.
*hugs*
Dawn @ What’s Around the Next Bend?´s last [type] ..And the scene unfolds
An amazing few words from the master, Joss Whedon.
Heather, will be thinking of you all on the 11th..and the 12th (which will be the 11th your way). While there are no words that can help you with the pain that will be with you on this day, please know that there are so many of us, around the world that are, while, albeit virtually, holding your hand and passing on all of the strength we can muster to get you through days like these.
Thinking of you Heather, and Maddie up above with all her Angel friends (my daughter being one). Lots of (((HUGS))) to you!
Love,
Michele Wallace
i have absolutely no words to mirror your pain. although i have a soon to be 9 year old that i am raising solo that shares a zodiac bday with maddie. i cannot imagine your pain. if he was not in this world i’d be oh so broken. my only hope is that by having annie helps even just a bit more. you’re in our thoughts as maddie’s bday approaches.
Nothing but love to you all! I remember Maddie every day and want you to know that I am so sorry that you are going through this unimaginable pain. It’s not fair that she got only one birthday! I am so not good at words, but just know that you are all loved! Oh, and Miss Annie is quite possibly the cutest babe!! She is breathtaking! ?
I am so very sorry Heather. My heart is breaking for you.
Kristin´s last [type] ..Wheres Mario when you need a plumber
oh, Heather. so much love to you, and i hope you are able to find a shred of peace in this week.
I’m here. I’m always here.
My heart goes out to you! I can’t image your pain. Please know that I am praying for you this week.
My daughters birthday is this Thursday also. I don’t know if you know but next year our daughters birthdays will be 11/11/11.
I had to read through this a couple of times.
Every single night the same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight
Still I always feel the strangest strangement
nothing here is real, nothing here is right
I’ve been making shows of trading blows
just hoping no one knows
That I’ve been going through the motions
walking through the part.
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart.
Maybe my story isn’t the same. I can’t tell my story because of the shame that I hold for making bad decisions that affected my daughter. But I understand.
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart.
You are an awesome mom, Sometimes shit happens so quick, there is nothing we can do. Nothing…..even though we will spend the rest of our lives wondering if there was.
Heather you have such a beautiful way of opening up your heart in your writing, it allows us all to feel your absolute love for Madeline and the hugeness that will forever be the loss of your beautiful baby. I clicked on a really cute photo of Maddie the other day and literally spent hours looking through her photos, mesmerised by her, those eyes that seem so much wiser than the little one who looked out at the world through them. Your loss is undescribable, it will never be right or fair, I will light a candle in Ireland on Thursday in memory of Maddie, she is your light in the darkest of times.
If there is a single stupid person that isn’t nice to you, they will have a HUGE ANGRY TWITTER/BLOGGER/SPOHR-LOVING MOB all over their ass!
My heart is always with you, this week especially. Love to all of you.
Kellee´s last [type] ..Oh- I’ll Show YOU!
Sending many thoughts & hugs your way. *HUGS*
thinking of you and hoping this week goes by fast. i think it’d be totally ok to have a shirt that says ‘i need Maddie this week so please go away’ or something along those lines. i can make you one, just say the word. love you and your family and i wish i could just fast forward this week.. but at the same time I know that you wouldn’t want this week erased from existence. it’s the week Maddie was born, and no matter how much pain you go through, I know you will always be glad for the time you spent with her and wouldn’t have it taken away for anything – even if it meant no more pain. so during this horrible time, try to think of the good things that came from this week and spend as much time as you can celebrating Maddie’s priceless life and contribution to the world. and if that’s too much to even consider, then just cry all you need to and eat all the ice cream you want and sleep as much as you want. you deserve it.
Oh Buffy. God I love that song. Sometimes so very, very appropriate.
I’m sending you cross-country hugs. One for every day.
xoxo
(((((((((Heather, Mike & Annie))))))))))))
today in a panic, I woke up from napping (I’ve had an icky intestinal bug) and I thought for sure I had missed Maddie’s birthday and it made me so upset because I wanted to let you know that I hadn’t forgotten about her or you guys.
My heart is always with you. (((HUGS)))
domestic extraordinaire´s last [type] ..Flashback Friday-Get Your Mind Out of the Gutter Edition
You are a Brave Girl!!! You and your family are thought of and prayed for so tenderly. Be gentle with yourself.
From what you’ve written, Going Through The Motions seems like the perfect song to sum up where you are. I will pray for you all this week. I can’t imagine how hard it will be for you.
I’m thinking of you, and remembering your sweet girl.
Ashley Hast´s last [type] ..Mummies in the house!!