Five Weeks

I promise I won’t tell you it will be ok, I promise I won’t tell you it won’t hurt as much. Why? Because I don’t know how it will be…none of us do…I DO know that I feel you are writing this for a reason

Antonia’s last blog post..Define 10 Years…

I don’t come here much because every time I read your entries of the wretched sadness in your heart, it breaks my own. You make me weep as if I’m looking at your pain face to face. I have prayed for you a few times and will continue to do so. You are in the hearts of more than you know.

Melanie B’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday-Hubby and I in Sedona 2005

those days are bad. some times i wanted to tell the people with those words to go away (rudely). some times i told them that i didn’t believe them. those are the days when you need to be in your pain. i am so sorry heather.

Hugs… Lots of hugs. And lots of love.

Kelly’s last blog post..Bed guards are never long enough

Dear Heather,
Rebecca already said it all… i know exactly how you feel. People kept telling me (to “comfort” me) that there must’ve been “a reason” my son died right before birth. That, one day it will “make sense”.

NO, it never will!!!!
I will never see anything good in the fact that he died.
it will never make sense to me that i wasn’t allowed to see my baby live.

the pain will be with us. As are our kids – even though i don’t know where.
Heather, we are all thinking about you… I’ll light a candle tonight for maddie, too.

I am so sorry. This is so wrong and it should not have happened. I’m thinking of you and your family everyday.

When Erin was born, the first night I was lucid I sat awake all night and watched Wil and Grace because I couldn’t bare to sleep and risk dreaming. I was frightened of waking up in the dark not pregnant and all alone. It’s the only thing I’ve got that comes close to how you must be feeling only for you it doesn’t go away.

I don’t know if it ever gets better. I lost two pregnancies and that isn’t “better” I can’t imagine loosing a child you’ve nursed and loved and KNOWN. You know I love you and that I’m heartbroken for you and even as little as that is it hasn’t gone away. I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. I wish that my sorrow made yours easier to bear.

All my love.

Bec’s last blog post..Don’t forget

Dear Heather and Mike,
I read yours and Mike’s blog everday just to see how you are both doing and to secretly let you know I think of both of you and your family everyday. I do not know the extreme pain of losing a child but I do know know about losing people that mean so much, I have lost both of my parents at a very young age. The pain is still there after 6 years and 5 years I still want them back just to tell them I love them and give them one more hug that will never be. Our family has had many a hard year but the first year of their passing was almost to hard to bear but we lite candles on every holiday and on their birthday’s just so we can be close to them. My boyfriend and my daughter have told me and my son the many happy times that they remember without them I would be lost myself since I do not remember my parent because I have seizures that take away all my memories of my past and as for my son he was to little to remember them. Your memories of pain and loss will be with you for a lifetime but so will the many happy ones just try to hang on to those. My thoughts are with you. Here is a special hug for you and Mike!

Dear Heather,
You’re absolutely right. It isn’t okay. You don’t have to “hang in there.” Nothing could be more wrong than losing a beautiful, sweet little baby girl. And it would be intolerable to live in a world where God purposefully “took her to be in a better place.” I heard that line after we lost a family member years ago, and I was furious at God if that was how he rolled.

I can’t imagine the anguish you feel, and you are in my thoughts every single day.

Thinking of you and Mike today; everyday. I am so so sorry.

I’m so very sorry you have had to go through this horrible, unthinkable situation. There is nothing anyone can say or do to make any of it easier or to pass faster. Just know that through this amazing website and through the internet you have hundreds (probably thousands) of people thinking of you, praying for you and sending you warm and healing thoughts on a daily, hourly, minute-ly basis. We all love you. We all love Maddie. I pray for your family daily, I pray that you will heal and hope. Sending you sunshine thoughts from FL.

I’m so sorry. I really don’t have any words. It’s so hard to know what to say, people’s intentions I think are usually good, but in this kind of situation, words can really hurt even when you try to help. I wish I could just give you a hug. I’m so sorry.

I lost my daughter Olivia late in my pregnancy, I had an undetected cancer that killed her before I could get the memories I desperately needed to help pull me through my chemo treatments…i only wanted to die, i secretly prayed the cancer would kill me so the pain would stop.

I know it sounds hard to believe, but the coping gets easier as time passed… it took months before that physical feeling that my chest was going to collapse and crush my heart to go away, but eventually it did

I don’t know you, and I don’t know your background, I only know what I’ve read here over the last few months… you’re a strong women, you’ve survived a tremendous amount of pain, love and loss in the last 2 years. I hope I’m not out of line to suggest that you ask a close and trusted friend or family member to help you find and attend a support group for parents who have experienced similar loss. It may help put a small crack in that pain so that you can start to heal…

Love you and I’m so so sorry.

I don’t know what it is like and to be very honest I hope I never do. I don’t have any idea how you get through each day. I bet it will hurt forever and I can’t imagine that it would be any less. I am sure as time goes on, you will learn to be happy for moments but something will always be missing. Something will always hurt in your heart. There is nothing I can do or say to make this any easier for you. I promise you if I had a way to make this pain just a little easier I would give whatever needed to make that happen. I hurt for you. I miss Maddie although I only knew her through photos and your stories but I will never think that my pain comes any where close to yours. I also will never tell you that you should just let it go… You and your family are always in my thoughts.
Thank you for teaching me so much. Thank you for sharing Maddie with us and allowing us to feel her love and see her happiness. Thank you for teaching me not to take one second for granted.

I’m just one of the surely thousands that read your blog daily. I think about your family all the time, literally 10s of times a day. And I read and reread Maddies story. I ache for you and Mike. Sending positive thoughts!!

A girlfriend of mine posted this. Forgive me if you’ve seen it before:

“A Child that loses a parent is an orphan,
A Man who loses his wife is a widower,
A Woman who loses her husband is a widow,
However, there is no name for a parent that loses a child,
For there is no word to describe such pain.”

Hugs.

You are allowed to not be ok. No one can undo what has happened. No one can magically fix it. You are allowed to be angry, sad, and hurting. I only pray that this will ease up and allow you to become you again. I wish I could help, I wish I could change things for you. I wish everything were different.

xoxo

I have no words to make it easier and for that, I’m sorry. It’s strange for me to say “I would give anything to ease even a fraction of their pain” because I, obviously, don’t know. I’m just a name and a comment in a sea of thousands. But, I would. I would give anything to make you hurt a little less.

I’m so, so sorry for what you’re going through.

I love you. You don’t need to be okay for me to love you. And I do. I wish I could take your pain away right now.

I’m so sorry, don’t know what else to say. I’ll keep praying.

It is ok to have crappy days, every day can be crappy. You are hurting a hurt no one should have to hurt and that gives you the right to say “suck it” to everyone and have bad days.

Sending you tons of love and hugs. You are in my thoughts everyday.

all of us who care about you will come and stand by you right where you are in the midst of great pain, never expecting you to feel any different than you do at any moment, but forever hopeful…and forever in awe of your maddie.

xxoo

No words then. Just hugs.

Ali’s last blog post..Random Tuesday Thoughts

No pep talks here. Just, I love you guys. Wish I was there to give you a hug.

cindy w’s last blog post..She won’t be wearing diapers to high school, right?

Sending you love from Toronto….

You are in my thoughts and prayers each and every day.

A million hugs to you, Heather. You are allowed to feel however you feel.

Lora’s last blog post..Trumpet Practice

I know you may not want to hear anything, your pain is so immense. But you and your family are in my prayers. I pray somehow that someday you wake up and find that yes, you are somehow living with the pain, and I pray that somehow someday you feel happiness again in some moment. Your writing is so beautiful and your little girl was a precious, beautiful being. I cannot imagine what you are going through but wonder if somewhere out there, other parents suffering the nightmarish loss you have suffered are finding solace in your writing, giving voice to their suffering too. May God be with you…

Sirena’s last blog post..Namaste

Heather

As others have stated, I wish there was something I could do for you and Mike. I too want to help take away some of the pain. All I can do is let you know that I am thinking about you, Mike, Rigby and of course Maddie daily.

Get mad, scream, cry until you can’t shed another tear. Do what you need to do when you need to do it. There is not a right way to grieve. Just know we are all pulling for you.

Know that in the midst of your pain, you are surrounded by the warm thoughts and prayers of people who care.

oh sweetheart… no one can possibly know what another human is feeling, but i to know the pain of losing a child. my baby girl kylie sue died of SIDS in dec of 1998. this was not ‘God’ there is no ‘reason’ and you will NEVER ‘Get Over It’. the pain will continue, the memories remain. there are days, now over 10 years later, that i think i feel ‘normal’ again. then someone out there in the world will ask that dreaded question. “HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU HAVE?” and again i am forced to decide which answer i will give. the true answer (six, 2 step kids, 3 living natural children and a baby girl who died 10 years ago, kylie) or the answer that will make the person asking not feel so bad (five) or just say 6 and hope they don’t ask how old they all are. then i am shocked back to reality, the never ending sadness that surrounds my beautiful daughter. i am so glad i found your site, so glad that are you able to say that “SHE LIVED, SHE LOVED, AND SHE WAS HAPPY” its so obvious that she lived happy. you did not do anything wrong, and she is at peace, now it is up to you to make life count double time. maybe i am laying too much at your feet so fresh into this nightmare, i just want to help and let you know that although you feel like you are totally alone, you are not. you and maddie are both loved and treasured by so many. please if i can do anything to help, or if you want to chat, contact me. i’ll continue to pray for you.

Crying with you, for your pain, for your loss, for the world’s loss of your daughter…I know nothing helps ease your grief but I just wanted you to know you are not alone…I check in daily, I think of you and your family often, and I pray for you all every time I see purple. Do whatever you have to do to get through, that’s all. Take care.
Michele in Staten Island, NY

It sucks, it is unfair, it hurts and it makes no sense why she was taken away from you. It is okay to cry and miss her, it is okay.

Just know that there are people all around the world who are here for you and Mike.

Christina’s last blog post..Guess again…

I can’t imagine the pain you and your husband are going through. My son turned 8 this month and the thought of loosing him is unbearable. I really don’t know if I could handle it. ever. You are truly an inspiration. I read your blog everyday and even though you don’t no me I pray for you. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Maddie is a beautiful child and why God chose to take her now we probably won’t ever understand. It isn’t fair it just plain sucks. I hope you have a better week….if possible.

Andrea’s last blog post..End of an Era

i am still reading every day b/c I can’t not click just to see that precious girl of yours. Just know that there is a family across the country praying for you and Maddie. I asked my son to take her under his wing and show her around in heaven.

So very sorry…prayers for you today.

((((Hugs))))) from one broken heart to another. We should never have to lose a child. I am so sorry

The only job you have to do right now is take is second by second. You don’t have to be brave. You don’t have to be strong. You just have to be. There are so many times during the day that I think of you, Heather. And each time I do I send up a big prayer that maybe for one second of each day you’ll find a little bit of peace, a small fraction of shelter from your pain and that you’ll be able to, little by little, work your way back to the light. xoxo

You know where I am. Bring it. When you want to remember, when you want to forget, we’re here.

Dawn’s last blog post..Coming Soon!

I am never going to tell you things will get better or anything like that because if I put myself in your shoes none of that would make me feel better and only piss me off more. I never know what to say but I want you to know I was here. Hugs.

Midwest Mommy’s last blog post..Post-It Say What?

I am humbled by your courage.

Heather you are a very strong person and I really admire you for being able to share such personal things about Maddie. When you are grieving (especially for your child) there is no right way to feel. My son died on Dec. 7, 1995 and to this day when that date is coming close a wave of sadness comes over me and I think of all the things that should have been … I dream of what he would be like as a teenager. There will always be a void in my life that only my baby boy could fill. No matter what anyone said that emptiness was always there. When I think of Ryan now I know that he is watching me from his place in heaven, keeping my family safe. My youngest is 5 years old and I still get up in the middle of the night to check on her and make sure she is safe. My thoughts and prayers are with you Heather. Kate

I’ll just continue checking in on your blog, and will continue to keep you in my thoughts & prayers.

“hang in there” is one of the things that people say when they don’t know what to say, but feel like they need to say something….I’m sorry; I know it sucks to hear.

We will listen, to whatever you want to say.

In Feb.09, I held my foster baby girl as she took her last breath. I wasn’t her “real” mother, and I only had her for four months. She was four months old, so needless to say I was the only mother she knew. I know that I think of her everyday and I don’t have the strength to meet with the social worker to get her urn. I just found her diaper bag last night and could still smell her on her clothes. I have NO idea how it feels to lose your own child. I just want you to know that I (yes, a stranger) know a TINY bit of what you are going through. I wish there was some way to help you, however there isn’t anything anyone can do . You just want your baby back, that’s the only thing that would help. Please know Heather that because of Maddie, people have come together. Know that because of your amazing daughter, the March of Dimes will have the resources needed to help other preemies. Nothing can take away your pain. Just know sweetie that there are a lot of “strangers” out here who think of you and Mike every day. Hugs to you. Cindy

I’m just so sorry Heather.

Jennifer’s last blog post..Just Call Me Diane Arbus

The knowledge and reality that Maddie won’t come home again is still extremely raw and new and horrible. When your kid is taken from you and they are the most precious thing you have it SHOULD hurt forever and ever AMEN.

And I am not about to tell you ANYTHING different right now.

Screw being strong.

Just breathe.

That is your only requirement right now.

To continue breathing.

(Ok, MAYBE if you feel up to it you can throw in showering on occasion and changing your underwear, but that is more an optional kindness for the nostrils of Mike. Unless he is too sad to shower change his underwear, too. Then you can just be mutually well matched in this area of grief and buy lots of Glade.)

Seriously, though. She is YOUR baby and the loss of her and how you deal (or not) is on YOUR time.

One micro moment at a time, sweetie.

I love you.

xoxoxo

Loralee’s last blog post..37 weeks

I am so sorry! I can’t even imagine what you are going through. I’ve had a miscarriage, but never lost a child I had grown to known outside of the womb. Know that you are in my prayers……

even thought i don’t know you, and i can’t imagine what you are going through, you are in my thoughts every single day. my heart aches for you. i’m just so unbelievably, deeply sorry.

There is no timetable on your grief and sorrow. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You can feel how you need to feel and grieve how you need to grieve. One small step at a time….
Feel angry, Feel sad, Feel all the things you need to and we’ll be here to listen when you need us.

Hang in there Heather.

One breath at a time.

We all love you and Mike and Maddie and will be there for you in any way that we can.

For now though, just one breath at a time.

Jessica’s last blog post..The Kite Chronicles

Heather,

My heart aches for you and Mike. There isn’t anything anyone can say or do to take away your pain. You have every right to feel the way you do. I am so very sorry for your loss. I have never met you, Mike or Maddie but you have occupied my thoughts daily since I first learned the story of your sweet Maddie.

We will be here for you as long as you continue to choose to share with us.

I know there isn’t a thing I can say to help at all. So I’ll just keep saying what I always say. I love you and am thinking about you.

And sending an Internet hug your way. (((((hugs))))))

Am not kidding on starting a posse to send after the next person who says you should feel okay by now.

Issa’s last blog post..Guest Post: The MIL version

Heather-

I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel. My heart literally hurts for you and Mike and the rest of your family. I don’t want to tell you to hang in there or it will get better, because I don’t know if it will get better. I’m not going to tell you to take comfort knowing she’s in Heaven, or that there was a reason God needed her. I just want you to know there are thousands of strangers who are thinking of you daily. I found your blog on Matt Logelin’s and I read everyday to see how you are doing. I’m so sorry Heather! I wish we could all take a little bit of your pain away from you!

Heather-

I can say I know exactly how you feel. I lost my daughter to cancer. While she was 11 years old, I still went thru many if not all of the feelings that you are processing. It seems we all have places that either comfort or cause immense pain. For me – it was the grocery store. Still don’t like going in there. Each turn reminds me of the foods she loved, or hated . . or the last foods I cooked for her.

One book that was very good to read and undestand why this horrible thing happened to me is “why bad things happen to good people”. Please find a copy and read it.

The pain doesn’t really go away- one just seems to deal with it better and somehow, over time, you turn this pain into a positive pain (if that makes sense) it becomes a solid reminder of all the love between you and your child. And for some reason, that type of pain is very comforting.

It has been over 20 years – and I still wish to turn back time for “one more” kiss, hug, look – but I am also one day closer to that day in which we will meet up again.
That is what I believe and that is what comforts me.

Find your center – it is there for you.

Nothing can ever replace your vibrant, beautiful Maddie.

I wish there was some way to ease your grief. All I can offer is the promise to visit here daily and stay awhile at your site while I hold you in my heart.

Heather and Mike – We mourn with you. Maddie’s beautiful face is etched in my mind. There are support groups, grieving counslers, etc. that may be able to help, even just a little. There are no words to take away this pain. I am so sorry. I think of you often. Thank you for sharing with all of us – I have learned from you.
I wish you peace.

I think people say that “it will get better” to make themselves feel better. Because we’re not living it, just looking in from the outside desperate for a way to make a it better. I think we all know there’s nothing we can do, nothing to bring her back, nothing to take it away so people say it will get better in the desperate hope that it will get better and that maybe their words made it so. If only words were so powerful.

We’re listening, Heather. Keep talking. We’re here.

Lauren’s last blog post..Good morning and welcome to my childhood.

My friend lost her son. She was so brave in the beginning. She planned the funeral, the speakers to be at the funeral from all the clubs and activities he belonged to, she cleaned the house, accepted visitors and honored his memory in the most graceful way. Then when it was all over, the sadness came and the amount of visitors declined, the more she had to deal with this incredible loss. She withdre, then the anger came, then the sadness came again. I just took my cues on how she felt that day. I think most people want to tell you it is going to be okay because they just want you to feel better. People try so hard with their words, and it all comes from a great loving place, but it can bring on such anger and despair. It really is a process that I wish no parent had to ever endure.
I wish I could bring Maddie back to you.

I love you. I think of you all the time. *hugs* I’m ALWAYS here. Always.

sam {temptingmama}’s last blog post..Working My Way Towards The Unemployment Line, One Sick Kid At a Time

Heather,

Like many here, I think of and pray for you and mike often. there isn’t anything any of us can say or do that will lessen your grief. i think ppl say things because they don’t know- they hate to see your pain and want to somehow attempt to ease it, but I think sometimes pain is a good thing- something that we NEED to feel. I just know, from my own experience with loss, that sometimes pain was the only thing i had left to hold on to and feel

a lot of ppl care about you and ache for you and your family. I have been thinking of you daily- and praying and i hope it’s okay, but i wanted to say a prayer for you and your family now.

Father,

I ask that you would be with Heather and Mike right now. That you would be with them in their grief, in their anger, in their pain. I pray that you would give them the measure of strength and resilence they will need for each new day. I pray that you would grant them moments of peace.

I pray that you would hold their marriage upright, that each can be a comfort to another- a solid, firm foundation to lean upon. I pray that they can be and do what the other needs. I pray that they can grieve together, yell and rage if they need to but whatever it is Father, I pray that you would carry them through it.

Carry them though all the hard and dark times ahead and let them know that they are loved and cared for. and I pray for others just like them who are suffering the loss of a child- a beautiful, innocent life taken away too soon. I thank you for times shared together bwtween these parents and children, even if the only time together was in the womb. Be with them today, tomorrow and for everyday that follows.

Father I ask this of you, in the name of your holy son Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior- Ameny

Be where ever you need to be Heather- you don’t need to be strong or hang in there. you just lost your baby!! but whereever you are- even if it’s crying in your rocker or on the floor, whereever- just know that you are cared about and loved- you and your husband and your family.

Don’t ever feel like you have to be okay or that you have to find some rhyme or reason in this.

I hope you keep talking, and keep writing. Even if every day you’re sharing pain and sorrow. I know like many others I will stand by you, a thousand miles away, through each and every day of it. You’re in my heart and though my grief is a shadow of yours I hope it’s some small comfort that I think of you and Mike and your daughter every day.

Children are not supposed to die before their parents. This is so unfair, Maddie was a gorgeous little girl with a killer smile and a cute sense of humour (from the vids I have seen). You both loved her with all your being, she was a lucky girl to have you. Not all children are so lucky for sure. Maddie is very close to you now and knows you are hurting so badly. Keep her close, get the photos out, the video’s out (post some more pleeeease…) keep her alive for us .. and know that we are all crying with you, havign never met your little girl, the pain is so real from one parent to another. Hang in there, I’m sure there will be many waves your whole life, but I know you will laugh and smile again. Maddie wouldn’t want you any other way.
take care and God bless you both …
Happy belated Mother’s day, you will ALWAYS be a mother ..
Sarah (Montreal)

I am crying with you… ((hug)))

I won’t say that I know how you feel, I won’t say that time will heal, I won’t say hang in there, I won’t say I wish I could bring her back (even though I do)…because NONE of those things will ease your pain or bring her back. Nothing I can say or do will EVER ease that pain or bring her back.

I WILL say, that I love you, I love your writing and your sharing of your raw emotions, and I love Maddie.

Amy
Oregon

My heart aches for you and has for the last five weeks. I wish we were friends so that we could just scream together, scream until we couldn’t scream anymore. Scream so loud that the heavens would open. Scream until the ache and emptiness would be silent in your heart and soul.

I don’t live far from you. Maybe one day we will be friends. But for now know that you have so many friends “out here” caring for you and Mike.

(((hugs)))

We are thinking of you. I will light a candle for you and Mike and Maddie tonight.

Molly’s last blog post..Maddie

My heart is breaking for you. I just wanted you to know you in my thoughts everyday. And I’m ready anytime you want to come hit the shit out of wood in my garage. I’ll even build new things for you to knock down with a sledge hammer. I wish so much you had your beautiful little girl in your arms.

I found this poem and sent it to my friend after she lost her child, she handed it out to everyone she met so that they would hopefully understand what she was going through, I hope it helps you.

Please don’t tell me you know how I feel
Unless you have lost your child too
Please don’t tell me my broken heart will heal
Because that is just not true
Please don’t tell me my daughter is in a better place
Though it is true, I want her here with me
Don’t tell me someday I’ll hear her voice, see her face
Beyond today I cannot see
Don’t tell me to face the fact she is gone
Because denial is something I can’t stop
Don’t tell me to be thankful for the time I had
Because I wanted more
Don’t tell me when I am my old self you will be glad
I’ll never be as I was before
What you can tell me is you will be here for me
That you will listen when I talk of my child
You can share with me my precious memories
You can even cry with me a while
And please don’t hesitate to say her name
Because it is something I long to hear everyday
Friend please realize that I can never be the same
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday

I also lost my son 18 years ago, he was 5 weeks old. I’m so very sorry for your loss.

Just know that we are all here for you. And, we will always be here to help you through this.

It’s just not fair, so unfair that this happened to you!!!!!

Oh Heather,

There are tears streaming down my face for you as I write this. I have no words. It is not fair. Every time I think of you I cry and cry. I have Maddie’s picture on a button on the side of my blog. It makes it painful to look at sometimes. I am just so so sorry!! I do not know that it will ever be okay but I do know that you and your family are in my prayers.

Upstatemomof3’s last blog post..I Knew This Bag Could Hold It All

Oh Heather I don’t know what to say but I want so badly to say something. I know nothing will make you feel better, but know that you are in my heart and on my mind always.

I’m sorry. We will always be here to listen. I wish we could do more.

I am so very very sorry…no one should have to endure this pain. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I have no words to say, just wanted you to know Heather that I think about you everyday.

this is another one of those ‘you don’t know me but i found your blog’ posts . . .
i hated people telling me it’d be okay, i’d be okay, etc. i’m not normally a violent person, but goodness i wanted to smack those people (i didn’t, for the record. but i totally wanted to).
i remember one day though, when i was completely overwhelmed with grief, i was suddenly very aware of feeling the sun on my face and i thought that was a huge moment for me, because i’d forgotten it existed. i’d forgotten that anything that could make me feel warm existed. and just for that brief moment, there was a little relief. i hope you feel the sun on your face again. it won’t make it okay, but i hope you get to feel just a tiny moment of warmth like i did.

I am so sorry you are hurting. You and your family are in my prayers.

God Bless…

Courtney’s last blog post..Realization…

Please know you’re in my thoughts and prayers, everyday. I wish I could lessen your pain…{{{HUGS}}}

I too would give anything–ANYTHING–to make you feel better. If only it worked that way.

Maybe you should get a punching bag and beat the shit out of it.

Notesfromthegrove’s last blog post..Would you like thighs with that?

No words… I’m praying for you… From one mother to another, I am just so sorry…

Another family I follow, received these words after the loss of their beautiful daughter. I felt they were so meaningful and hope you find a small amount of comfort.

I closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard Him say,
A Mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
when your baby’s not with you?
“Yes you can!”, He replied
with confidence in His voice,
“I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice.
“Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there’s no need to stay.
I just don’t understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,
“We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quick
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow’s where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don’t be sad today
I’m your baby and I’m here.
“So you see my dear sweet one,
your children are OK.
Your babies are here in my home
and this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on that day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother.
It’s the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of
right from the very start.

~unknown~

Prayers and tears, from Deer Park, Texas

My heart just aches for you!! I am so sorry.

Rachel’s last blog post..Love, Support and Prayers

The poem by Ms. Anthropy made me cry…so touching and so sad.
I agree, it’s not ok, it’s not fair and it just plain sucks. I know how much you want her back in your arms…God, I know I would do anything possible to help you if I could

Dana Zap’s last blog post..Tue, May 12, 2009

Please accept my deepest condolences for the loss of your beautiful baby girl, Maddie. The pain and honesty in your writing is breathtaking–literally. Although I have never met you all, when I thought of you while driving today, I started crying. You make me so much more aware of my ungratefulness and for that I am forever grateful to you. Wishing you much love and peace.

Maddie will forever be a part of you! will forever be in your heart! I am sending you and Mike HUGS! xo

My neice Kari mentioned you in her blog “haiku mama” and I read your story. My heart breaks for you and Mike. The world hurts with you. I’m so sorry:(

I hate grieving, but it necessary. I had a hole in my stomach that hurt so bad!! I felt I couldn’t eat, hated to sleep, etc and all this over a boyfriend. I cannot imagine losing my child.

Jenn’s last blog post..I have lost my mind, and I am looking for it

Heather, I am writing not because I have anything worthwhile to offer. I don’t. I can’t. I just want you to know that your words are being read. With concern for you. With sympathy. Wishing so hard that things were not the way they are.

Thank you. Thank you for being honest with what you’re feeling. Thank you for opening your heart to us, strangers, who cry and pray for you and your family. I don’t know you or your family, but I am drawn to your blog, with a knot in my throat and tears always ready to fall, and they do. What you’re going through feels so cruel. It’s unfair and there’s not a way to make it seem like it’ll all be ok when that’s not what you’re feeling.

Thank you for reaching out and truly touching so many people’s heart with your joys of parenting and the sorrow of losing such a beautiful, special child.

(((HUGS))) Scream, rant, cry, whatever….it’s your life and your right to feel what you do, as long as you do.

There are no rules in this. No “shoulds” or “have tos.”

Love to you.

mrs. chicken’s last blog post..Really? Like, Really?

I’m so sorry Heather. Thinking of you..

I was enamored with Madeline just like everyone else and I am so sad for your loss.

I bought the Maddy Monster for my Madelyn (she’s 4) and told her the story of Miss Maddie Moo and that when she plays with her purple animal to think about little Maddie. Now my Madelyn says she can’t wait until she gets to play with Maddie Moo when she gets to heaven. She enjoys looking at pictures of her just as I do.

You and Mike have been a pillar of strength in this…..I admire you and pray for your family.

Why did she have to go
So young I just don’t know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she’s smiling saying
Don’t worry ’bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she’s smiling saying
Don’t worry ’bout me

It’s hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I’ll cherish
And I won’t cry ’cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she’s smiling saying
Don’t worry ’bout me
Don’t worry ’bout me
Don`t worry ’bout me

Today, right now, I am not OK. – Heather

I know this is hard but, for ‘today, right now’, breathe in, breathe out. That’s all you need do . . . for ‘today, right now’.

Don’t forget what I just told you. Some days, it’s all that works.

I’ve wrapped you and your husband in my prayers, Heather. And, I’m keepin’ ya there for a bit. ;^)

Wow. Cross-post with Redneck Mommy. Looks like we were channeling each other.

Just another person you don’t know who has shed tears for you, Mike, and precious Maddie… and lamenting the fact that the abundance of thoughts and prayers coming your way from so many can’t possibly ease your grief and sorrow. I am so very sorry for your pain. I admire you for just getting out of bed each day, let alone for writing and allowing all of us into your world as you navigate your own personal hell… a journey no parent should have to endure. But please know you inspire us all by doing just that… and through the honesty of your feelings as you do so. Also know that I, like so many others here, have stopped to enjoy a moment a little more, hugged my children a little tighter, and been a little more thankful each day because of you bravely sharing your grief here. I think of you each day and wish there was some way we could take away your pain. Since there isn’t, then whatever YOU need to do, say, or feel, in order to get through each day is what’s RIGHT for you…

I have never lost a child so I don’t know completely what your feeling but I am so incredibly sorry you had to go thru such hard times. I know it will get better though. And I also know your daughter is looking down on you from heaven and is happy to see you doing so well. I bet she is very proud. You will see her again someday! And when you do she will be there with open arms!!

All I can think to say is that I think of Maddie all the time. She has marked us all and we’ve never met her. Her memory lives on, and I’m praying that you find some sort of peace, however small or shaky, in the coming days.

Mommy Geekology’s last blog post..RSS Feed Link Repaired for New Subscribers

“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart, and bids it break.” -Wm. Shakespeare

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” -C.S. Lewis

Thank you Mike and Heather for letting us all love Maddie, too. Those of us who never knew her in life now feel her presence so vividly through your words and pictures. She has a very real place in the world. She will never be a Maddie-shaped hole in the universe that only you can feel. Our hearts rejoice in the happiness you and she had together and they bleed for the joys she and you will miss. No one should have to feel the agony of a childless mother. And no one who isn’t one can fathom how it hurts and hurts.

Know that we all want to make it better for all of you. If we could, we strangers and friends, coworkers, acquaintances and loved ones would push time back and force whatever powers there are to fix it all. But all the magic we have is our clumsy sympathy and fumbling gestures of hope.

We don’t know your pain, but we know it’s deep and brutal and lonely and hopelessly unfair. All we can do is breathe it in and out with you.

If she could come back and hug it all away, Maddie would, because she so plainly loved you. And because she was so loved and loved you so, she wouldn’t want you to feel lonely and unhappy forever. There is no agony like the memory of past joys in present grief. But those joys of your daughter were real happiness, those kisses were the best blessings in the world, and the sheer glee she expressed with her laughter, the beauty of her smile and the force of her short and brilliant life must inevitably someday outweigh the darkness of your pain.

I’m so sorry. So very, very sorry.

i would bet anything that each person who has left a comment would volunteer to feel your pain, to take it away, for a minute, a day, a week to grant you some peace. but we can’t. we can’t feel what you feel and we can’t take away your pain.
i even wish i lived close or knew you personally so that i could take away some of your “earthly” worries, do your laundry or cook you a dinner or even mow the lawn. and ive never mowed a lawn before (ok, thats a different topic…)

but all i can do is leave a comment, let you know that i’m reading, i’m feeling, i’m thinking of you and praying.

:::::::::::sad::::::::::::so sad for you:::::::::::::::

Secret Agent Mama’s last blog post..I’m a Photographer and this is a Photo Blog

I am so, so sorry.

Praying for you!!!!

Praying for comfort and peace.

Em
from Australia

I remember how painful it was to come home when my preemies were still in the hospital. Now, after this, that pain seems completely and totally bearable. It seems ridiculous to even refer to it as pain.

I think of you every day.

Momo Fali’s last blog post..Tenacity

Heather-

It probably won’t ever be okay, but know that you’ll always have a huge community to rely on for support. It’s unimaginably tragic, I’m so SO sorry. I wish there was more to do or say.

Overflowing Brain (Katie)’s last blog post..Turbulent Tuesday: The Completely Random Edition

God bless you, Heather. I can’t fathom your pain, but I can hear it in your words. I pray that you will find some small bit of comfort soon.

Heather,
The tragic passing of little Maddie has touched me deeply – even without kowing you or your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers, I hope the days start to let in a little more sunshine.

Thinking of you.

Tragically, I do know what you are going through because my sister lost her only child, her beautiful 2 year-old daughter Natalia just this past year! She is like my own daughter so the devastation I feel is beyond comprehension.

Life will never be the same…you will never be the same….and her void will forever remain. I will be honest with you Heather…the pain will never go away, there will never be any acceptance….the grief will be a life-long process and you will learn to cope. Most days will be unbearable and every now and then…you will be able to just be…barely…but that is an accomplished feat in itself!

I do not wish our situation on anyone….losing a child….there is no getter pain that exists and no words can express the agony it brings…but you will soon make the choice to live for your child’s sake…because only through you will the world be able to experience the extraordinary person who is MADDIE! You will go on because you will want with all your being to honor her life! That is the only reason I am here today…writing to you….you must find a purpose to go on…mine is honoring Natalia through the foundation I have spent the last year building in her name! Yours might be the work you are doing with The March of Dimes on behalf of your daughter!

I wish so much that you and my sister could meet..we all live in the same vicinity….because we lost Natalia the same way….and that experience still haunts us….our stories have many paralles and I believe you two would be a great strength for each other.

You are in my prayers! G-d Bless!

thinking of you- wishing you peace. i hope all of these comments- most from complete strangers like me- bring you some comfort.

look at all these people who are checking in on you daily. I dont think that i could say anything that hasnt already been said. You’re right, the pain doesnt disappear. it doesnt get better. you learn to function… most of the time. but that’s the best it gets. i have never lost a child. I have a 12 year old son. i cant imagine what that pain is like. i lost my aunt, who is also my godmother, in january. we were imensely close. it feels like i lost my mother. even in the pain that i have been trying to deal with, i can not imagine the pain of losing my child. i know that no pain could be worse than that.

you and mike have become part of my day, everyday. i read your blogs everyday and think about you and Maddie. I wish there was something that someone, anyone, could sayto help. i know there isn’t.

just know that thoughts and prayers are going out to you from all over the world, mine from Pittsburgh.

It will never be okay. How can losing a child ever be “okay.” Maybe it will get easier but it will never be okay.

Heather, Mike, and Rigby,

I hate what you are going through. I want to scream for you. At God, at the world for putting you through this. I stil check on you daily and cry tears for you all. I can’t imagine how you feel. I am such awe of you each day. Your words are tender and heartfelt. When I put my son to bed each night, I invite Maddie down for a play date so she can teach CJ courage, strength, and endless beauty. I am forever changed. And I will forever support the March Of Dimes.

Always,
Cristy

We’re all just aching for you, and bumbling along saying all the wrong things, telling you to hang in there when what we really mean to say is that we don’t know what to say, except that we’re so fucking sorry, and that we wish there were some way we could help you carry this unbearable load of grief around, and that we’re thinking of you and remembering sweet Maddie every single day.

I have read your blog silently without commenting since April the 7th. I mostly don’t comment because I’ve never met you (you are a friend of a friend and I learned of your tragedy on facebook). I also have stayed silent because I feel that I have nothing to say that will ease any of your pain, so why say anything at all? When I first read your blog, it upset me so much that I didn’t come back to it for several weeks – but you were always on my mind and I wondered how you were doing. Then last night, I spent three hours reading entries from the time you got pregnant until now. You share so much of yourself and your family in your writing and your pictures that I feel now like I am a part of your inner circle. On my way to bed I picked my sleeping baby girl up from her crib and held her and thought of you & Mike and of Maddie. I held her tight wishing that your arms could hold your own baby. I thought of how you said that your arms ache and I held her wishing my arms could take away the ache for you. Then I climbed into bed and wept for you and your entire family. My mind wandered to pictures of Maddie so full of life – smiling, laughing, kissing you, and sleeping in her grampa’s lap and I felt as if I had known her myself and strange as it may sound, I feel, in a way, like I’ve lost her too. How strange it feels to care so much about a family I have never met and probably never will. There are no words to take away your pain and yet, here I am, writing to you anyway. I suppose I’m writing to you tonight because I feel that it somehow brings us together and makes me feel a little less like a voyeur who is silently watching your nightmare unfold. Your grief is so raw and so personal, I almost feel like I’m invading your privacy by reading about it. I think Antonia said it best when she said that she feels like you are writing this for a reason because it’s exactly the way I feel about it when I read it. You are writing this for a reason.

I have no idea if you’ll even read this with all the people who are writing to you, and I know you’ve heard this a million times since April the 7th and I know it won’t make a difference that you’re hearing it again but I feel like I need to say it – I wish that you never had to know this pain. I wish that you had had a normal pregnancy. I wish that Maddie had been born at a whopping 8 pounds and had left that hospital with you 2 days later. I wish she had never had to go back to a hospital again until she fell off her bike and needed stitches. I wish that you could hear your baby call you mamma. I wish that she could get into mischief so that you could give her a time out. I wish that you could send her off to kindergarden, and high school and university. I wish that Mike could walk her down the aisle. I wish that this had not happened to your family. I wish that this had not happened to Maddie. She deserved to live a full life free of tubes up her nose and tape on her precious little face and needles in her tiny arms and you deserve not to have to be haunted by what life would have been like had things been different. I’m so very sorry that you are stuck in a nightmare that you can’t wake up from….

Prayers for you and Mike (Rigby, too).

I lost my son. And the biggest thing I remember from the way people responded is… thinking that if I ever knew someone that went through the same thing as me, I wouldn’t tell them “it will be ok.” That never made me feel better. I know that what made me feel the best was when people just hugged me and said they loved me. Or when they grabbed my arm, and just said “I’m so sorry.” Or when people had good memories of things that my son did or how he made us feel. So consider this a big, huge, enormous hug.

It’s not okay now, and it probably never will be.

Just know that there are hundreds and thousands of people who are lifting you up at every moment you need it. Your online family grieves with you, cries with you, and mourns with you, whether you know it, feel it or want it.

We love you, Mike and Maddie, and we wish you whatever it takes to make it through each moment.

Sending thoughts, hugs, love, prayers and more from GA,

Nikki R.

I have no idea how I initially ended up on your site but I cry each time I read about your pain. I just wanted you to know I hold my children closer, play on the floor with them more often, and just try to be as silly as I can for the memory of your sweet Maddie. What a beautiful and special child. I pray that one day, God will fill your heart with peace instead of constant heartache. I pray for the darkness to somehow, someway, become light again one day. It is ok to curl up in a ball and taste what is still so raw. It is so unfair.

I am so very, very sorry.

patois’s last blog post..Wordy Wednesday #59: Collage of Fun

Oh hon, I want you to hear that too. I’d give near anything if I could make that happen for you.

I wish you peace and strength. Praying for you and Mike.

Trish’s last blog post..Random Tuesday: April can kiss my a$$

Heather, I have cried so many tears for you and Mike! I wish that somehow we could rewind the clock and change what happened… somehow. It doesn’t make sense, This is all I have been able to think since that terrible, dreadful day in your life! You did everything you could, and it just doesn’t make sense that your beautiful Maddie’s life had to end so soon. I have no words of wisdom for you, even if I did that is not what you need. You may be told some valuable lessons in this, but honestly I think that you have to learn all of this over time. I’m sure your heart will someday heal, and when I say heal I don’t mean that it will ever go away, this feeling you have. It will heal with a scar, a “mark” of you pain. You have such a strong presence in this world, your baby made such a difference in this world! Please continue to write, I believe this will help you through this hell you are living through right now. I really Pray for you daily. I hope you and Mike are getting some counseling. I think that between this and writing, it will help you to somehow process this within yourself. As much pain as there is for you and Mike, lean on each other, cry together, scream together. The love that you have is what created the beautiful spirit that you had to give to heaven way too soon. She would want you to pull each other through this darkness you are in right now. You are a beautiful person. I am so sorry for your terrible pain and loss.

I hear you. I’ve walked where you are walking now. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

Sara’s last blog post..Leonard Cohen

I wish that every tear shed for your family by your readers could ease your pain a fraction.

I am so hugging you right now. Lots of love.

Vanessa’s last blog post..Support

It’s not fair. I’m so sorry.

I am so very sorry for your loss of your precious little baby girl. My heart breaks for you and your husband. Thinking of you and praying for you.

I am so sorry

I am so so sorry. I think of you and your family every day and I don’t even know you. I just know that you are strong. Stronger than I would ever be in this situation. I am praying for you.

I won’t say it. I won’t say anything. But I hope that one day you can believe it.

Jill’s last blog post..Whatcha Makin’? Vol. 4

Heather.

Please know that I have the same thoughts of you. I wish this was a bad nightmare and you woke up with Maddie in your arms. I wish Maddie was still crawling around your house and sleeping on your shoulder. I wish all of this as well. I wish you never knew the pain of losing a daughter. I do not know if you will never feel the hurt. I know you are feeling it NOW. I want to say someday it will be better, but how can I say that without knowing? And I want answers too. Why? Why did she have to go??? The best possible place for her is in her parents arms. But clearly, she really is in a beautiful place and the answers are for now, unknown.

I’m praying for you. Praying for some peace. For something to make things look brighter one day. I don’t know how they will, but I have faith in God and Maddie. They will see you through.

Krissy’s last blog post..What’s a Cracker like me been doing???

It’s NOT OK. There is nothing about it that is OK.

Susan @ 2KoP’s last blog post..Confused by the Muse

We cry and we mourn and we listen, Heather. We’re listening.

I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling right now and I can’t imagine how it would be OK. I do hope that you are able to find just as much joy in the memories as you find pain.

I have been reading your blog for a while and haven’t commented because I don’t know what to say. I come because I didn’t know Maddie during her short life, but I enjoy getting to know her through your memories of the small things. The things that seemed too inconsequential to blog about before and I smile about those small things. The things that make me remember that it is about the small things, that the small things matter and I need to soak them all in. Thank you so much for sharing.

Katrina’s last blog post..Monster…

I hate this for you. I am so sorry. She was the most beautiful little girl.

Dirge Without Music

I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.

Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains, — but the best is lost.

The answers quick & keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,
They are gone. They have gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

-Edna St. Vincent Millay