My baby is laying next to me, and her breathing sounds funny. It’s clear she’s working harder than usual to breathe. I’m halfway to the kitchen to get the medicine for a breathing treatment before I remember we don’t have that stuff for Annabel. I’m fumbling in the dark for the oxygen tube before I remember it’s gone.
She has a cold, a bad one, and at 10:45 am (11 hours from now) we’re going to the doctor. But is that waiting too long? Madeline got sick on a Sunday night and I waited until her pediatrician’s office opened the next morning. Should I take Annabel to the ER? Should I have taken Madeline that night?
How do I know what to do? My instincts are telling me to snatch her and RUN to the hospital. My logical brain is screaming that this is different and she’s OK. My heart is pounding and my chest is tight and I am terrified that all my decisions are wrong and everything is my fault.
Maddie didn’t seem any worse than a bad cold that night. Annie doesn’t seem any worse than a bad cold tonight. Maddie didn’t have a fever, neither does Annie.
There are so many obvious differences and yet I can only focus on the similarities.
They look the same when they cry. They have the same cough. Their voices both get scratchy with sickness. They both whimper in their sleep.
With both of them, I lay awake, staring at them, counting breaths, replaying moments, wondering if my decisions are ones I can live with.
{ 95 comments… read them below or add one }
How scary. I’m sending you lots of love and hugs and hoping you will both be ok through the night.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last [type] ..Sometimes he’s just such a boy
I think you are entitled to a few free trips to Urgent Care at least! If it will help you sleep, I would go. On the other hand, I’m sure she is fine and wishing her a quick recovery.
If your instincts say take her in, do so. It will bring you comfort. And if your stressing all night you’re not going to sleep anyhow.
Hugs, mama! It’ll be okay, it IS different this time!
~a´s last [type] ..This post does not do the trip justice
Agreed. Sending lots of love and hoping that Annie is much better this morning.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
I also agree. Just go. Go now. And be an advocate for your instincts. Peace of mind is priceless.
((hugs))
That has to be scary.
My only suggestion is to take a few deep breaths, concentrate on the differences and know that until things are wrong, they are right.
If it will ease your worry, can you call the nurse line and ask them for medical advice?
On the one hand, I think you should take her, as much for your peace of mind as her health. On the other, is it good to give in to your worries? I guess in this case, the situation is no-lose if you take her. You’ll both get to breathe easier.
You know her better than anybody else in the whole world, and you know you better than anybody else in the whole world too. If she needs to go, you’ll know. Trust your mommy skills. Thinking of your family tonight. Love you.
<3
My heart goes out to you. It’s gotta be so scary second guessing everything you do. I can’t even imagine. This time it IS different, but you are still entitled to take her to Urgent Care, if only to ease your mind.
I’ll keep you in my prayers, and hope you both get some much-needed rest tonight! Colds SUCK!
I love you lady!
If you need to take her to the ER even if it’s just to ease your mind, then do it. Otherwise, 10:45am won’t come fast enough and you will worry yourself sick. You know Annabel, you know her breathing, and in my opinion.. If I have to ask myself “should I take my child to the ER?” then the answer is yes otherwise the question wouldn’t be asked at all.
What happened to Maddie was not your fault. Nothing you did caused such a terrible outcome. You did what any parent would have done in a similar situation. I know that I don’t even take my children to the doctor when they have the symptoms you’re mentioning. Annie will be fine and I’m so sad that you’ll always struggle with these questions. So sad. {{ hugs }} I hope and pray that Annie will be well soon.
oh, heather. sending hugs your way. you’re right, this is different, and she is ok. but you’re entitled to your peace of mind, and if you need to take her just to be sure, you are COMPLETELY entitled to do that. we’re all thinking of you.
I’d take her down to the ER if you are worried. As parent, when it comes to your child/ren you have a right to be worried when they are sick. Doctors see this all the time, and know (or should know!) how to deal with a parent who is worried.
As a mother you know your child better than anyone, and if it was me, I’d go straight to the hospital and get my son/daughter looked at.
I know me, better than anyone, I know when I’m not feeling well there are times that I HAVE to see a doctor, and times where it can wait. It’s very weird, cause I know the minute when I feel my chest tighten and I cough whether it’s going to be a cold, or a serious chest infection. I’ve had so many of the damn things that I just know how my body is going to react.
I know the symptoms enough that I can also diagnose other people and 9 times out of 10 i’m right.
Take Annabel to see a doctor, it can’t hurt and you will get peace of mind too.
Hope the kidlet feels better real soon.
xxx
Becca_Masters´s last [type] ..Mrs Flams Spicy Corn Bread Muffins
I started to say just take her on in. They are not allowed to give advice over the phone in New Mexico. Whatever will give you peace. Then I remembered what my daughter agonizes with each time we take one of her kids to the ER. Is it worth exposing them to whatever is sitting on the chair next to you? Or the awful cough across the room. You will make the right choice cuz you area super mom Heather. Trust yourself. You’re the best.
It is a no lose to take her except to lose sleep, and you both need rest to get better. That being said, I’ve made some middle of the night trips to the pediatric ER, spent six hours there and been sent home, with a really crappy day to follow but knowing a doctor sent us away. But there is no reason to believe Annie is subject to the risks that Maddie had to bear with her prematurity and size. Annie is Annie and I think she’s going to be fine. I don’t know how to tell you how to sort out the PTSD from the actual mother’s instincts, maybe, given your family’s loss, it can’t be done. But if anyone can do it, Heather, you can. You are so strong and so loving, your mothering is never wrong.
Keeping Annie in my thoughts, hoping she gets better soon. She’s so very lucky to have a Mommy (and Daddy) who love her so deeply.
Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last [type] ..I know how the dinosaurs died
thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery!
I don’t know what the right thing to say is.
I hope Annie gets better & you too. <3 <3 <3
She’s fine. You know she’s fine, don’t let your fears overtake you.
That being said, I wouldn’t blame you for a trip to urgent care or to the ER. BUT, I think you should call the emergency line for your Dr. office first….
The worst kind of deja vu. The worst kind.
This post, like so many of your posts, brought tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. Your manner of writing and telling your story is so direct, so honest and so raw.
It is moving, touching, painful and amazing.
Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way. Follow your heart and you can never go wrong. I hope Annie feels better soon.
I’d just take her in but I’m a big scaredycat.
Aw Heather, so sorry you’re feeling this way. Keep repeating to yourself that this is different. Obviously, you can’t look at this objectively, and no one on the planet would blame you for rushing Annie to the ER right now if that’s what your brain tells you to do. A little factoid I learned a few weeks ago-there’s something like 150 different versions of “the common cold.” Babies get every single one until they’ve encountered them all-which is why they seem to have colds so often. So in some ways, her getting a cold (while miserable and clearly anxiety causing for you) is a good thing. Its another version checked off the list. But again-the ER is open 24 hours for a reason-so if that’s what you think she needs, then go for it.
It’s hard to fight that Mama Bear instinct. Yours is understandably louder than many. I hope that the doctor’s office confirms the “bad cold” diagnosis and helps you and Annie out. Take care.
Hope the poor pumpkin (and Mama) is feeling better soon and that 10:45 gets here quick!
I hope Annie’s cold improves quickly, so that you can both rest. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to deal with the PTSD from Maddie’s loss. {{{{hugs}}}}}
Barnmaven´s last [type] ..In Sync
Although yes, the situations are very different, you can do whatever you want and need to do- including taking your child to the ER for a cold. I am sure your Annabelle is fine but you have to take care of what ails you as well.
Ms. Moon´s last [type] ..Magic
You poor thing. I am sure Annie is OK but of course your fear is understandable. You are the best mama in the world -try not to forget that.
*hugs* hang in there. I’ve never been through anything even close to what you went through with Maddie, but when my daughter is sick it’s all I can do to keep from running to the ER with her at night. Thoughts & prayers.
I have had that feeling a few times and it sucks. Even though you are scared, I am convinced over time, Annie will pep back up and your anxieties will lessen. I would almost promise you!
Oh honey… Prayers and hugs…
Michele´s last [type] ..Happy Fall!
Oh sweetie, I wish I had the magical words to tell you. But only you in your heart of hearts know what to do. And you know the thing that will ease your mind. I am sending you lots of love and hugs in this scary time for you. I know it’s very difficult.
Thinking of you.
Do what you have to do.
I hope Annie feels better soon.
Sending hugs your way. Praying for a speedy recovery for Annie. I am sorry you are caught in this tug of war of what to do and not do. It’s not fair at all.
Hugs
In general I suggest calling your doctor’s call service for some advice and reassuring words. The doctors on call are expecting to hear from anxious parents in the middle of the night. Also, if you can rouse yourself enough to get up, turn on all the lights, eat something even, then I find panic attacks at night are controllable.
((hug))
I’m a jumpy parent, and I’ve never been through anything like what you have. When my daughter was an infant I certainly ran to the ER a few times for things that could have waited until morning. It’s nature. As a parent, sometimes your mind just won’t allow you to stop and relax until you KNOW everything is as it should be. I’m sure doctors understand that sort of thing, especially when they are parents, and doubly especially when they are treating children of parents who have lost a child.
At this point (depending on the time where you are) you have either already went to the ER, or are getting ready/have already went to the doctor, but my advice would be load up and make an ER visit next time. At least you will sleep easier. And if you get a jerk of an ER doc who thinks you are wasting his time… well I’m sure you aren’t afraid to give him a piece of your mind.
Hope Annie is feeling better.
Heather,
I can understand your fear. If it makes you feel better, take her to the ER. That is a perfectly understandable reaction and instead of torturing yourself if you should do it, if it will help with the anxiety, just go.
You could not have known what horrific things would happen to you and maddie, there was no way to know that is was more than a cold. You did the best you could at the moment and that is the best anyone can do. you cannot tell the future and you have no idea what would have happend had you taken her.
I hope Annie feels better soon.
I can’t even imagine the anxiety and worry this is bringing up in you. I’m sure it’s hard to separate the two situations in your mind. I’m hoping Annie feels better soon!
I know and also have no idea about the worries you’re describing. The same as all mothers, yet so, so different.
Please don’t doubt yourself or second-guess any decision you made with Madeline. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better, even if that means taking Annie into the ER or doctor.
(((hugs)))
Deborah´s last [type] ..A Post In Which I Complain A Lot
Heather, dear heart, what happened with Maddie is not your fault.
As a mother, I have been sick with the anxiety of how to handle the course of a child’s illness. Instinct, schminstinct: You can’t know the “right” thing to do until the event has passed.
I tell myself, “I have to make the best decision I can with the information available to me at this time.” It’s kind of a crap motto, in terms of pizzaz, but it’s true.
It was not your fault. You made the same decision any other mother would have made. What happened with Maddie was unthinkable, tragic, and heart-breaking. But not you fault.
Please know that.
You don’t just have the Mama Bear instinct. You have the Mama Bear times infinity instinct because of what you’ve already gone through. I’m sure Annie is fine with just a cold, but just a cold will never feel that way to you again.
Let us know how Annie makes out!
HM
Hamlet’s Mistress´s last [type] ..Pulling a John C Mayer could get you cut
Oh, feel better soon Annie and Mama too!
I would say generally, you don’t need to give in to your worries every time she wheezes a little. The fact is, she is so much healthier than Maddie ever was. But that being said, if she is having any sort of difficulty breathing and you think she needs medical care, do not hesitate to go into an Urgent Care facility or E.R. You are her mother and you know her best.
It is very normal that you feel these fears. You saw your precious child die before your eyes. Even though your logical brain is telling you that Annabel is a healthy baby, the other part of your brain is telling you that the same thing could happen to her. Don’t second guess yourself, but also try not to give in to the terrible nightmares.
God bless you, Heather. You are an amazing person!!
So sorry you have to have those memories – still wish I could take it away with everyone else that reads your blog! Good luck to Annie I hope she is feeling better!
MBKimmy´s last [type] ..New Baby
I’m so sorry. It’s completely understandable but also totally horrible. There’s nothing to say.
Alicia´s last [type] ..The Most Boring Post In Which I Say Practically Nothing
How scary for you Heather.. Do what you feel is right , go with your heart.
I hope Annie is better!!:) Thinking of you all.
Well, it’s now nearly time to go…or I would have said go ahead and take her, even if it is just to be on the safe side. I have three kids with medical issues, and I tend to freak about all of them, so we have had some trips to the ER that probably weren’t necessary, but now I know I did whatever I could. Anyway, It’s 10:46 here, so you have only a couple of hours now, right? Let us know how she does, we’ll be praying for you guys – blessings, Megan
Megan´s last [type] ..Just like my very own
There is nothing better than a calm and rested mommy. So if that means taking your child to the ER when she sneezes differently, then so be it. Take her so you feel more comfortable. In fact, you should see if your pediatrician will give you his e-mail address so you can e-mail him and get a quicker response than just waiting until offices open. My pediatrician has given me his e-mail and his ‘home’ number so that I can have a lifeline to him when I’m freaking out.
Rebecca´s last [type] ..Oh My Lovies
How awful of a feeling. I know I question myself when my son gets sick with a cough/fever, etc. But I can’t imagine the thoughts and feelings that you go thru when Annie gets sick. Sending love, prayers, and comfort for you and her both.
Sending good thoughts and love your way. That’s such an awful place to be in, and it’s no shame either way— if you can wait or if you rush into the ER even if you don’t think it’s really necessary. I hope Annie feels better soon.
I hope Annie has a speedy recovery, for her sake, and for yours…it’s just awful when your little one is sick anyway, I can only imagine how you would feel. I’d do whatever your gut tells you. Hopefully it all passes soon!
I can’t even imagine how hard that would be for you! I say if you’re worried and need the confirmation from someone else, take her in. Sometimes, we just need to “know” what we know and have it confirmed. That’s what those doctors and nurses are there for. It must be such a struggle for you to decide and to figure out when to second guess yourself and when not to.
I hope her cold is gone soon! Either way it’s so hard when your baby is sick.
Ashley´s last [type] ..G25
Oh Heather,
you know Annie and whatever you decide/decided is what is best for her. I wish… well I just wish everything was different. However, if you decided to tough it out at home, have you tried running a super hot shower and sitting in the bathroom with her? The steam may clear her up a bit and the cuddles will do you both good.
hugs
p.s. and some pharmacies have natural shower steamers (little bundles of cheese cloth filled with herbs) that you hang from the shower head that can clear up congestion too! I would avoid the chemically ones as they always make my breathing worse.
Worries suck! Being preemie moms do we all just assume the worst? I think every cold, cough, sneeze or fever is going to turn in to the plague. Worry go away!
So sorry Heather. Hope you were able to get some sleep and are headed to the doctor soon. (((((HUGS)))))
You are her mom and you know her better than anyone! You want to take her to the ER take her!! If that will make you rest easy and not be worried do it! No one or nothing will ever say it was the wrong thing. There are no wrong things! Do what you feel is NEVER wrong!! Hope you and her feel better soon!
xoxo
It’s after 10:30 am so I have no advice. I hope she feels better! I hope you’re feeling better too. You’re a great mama!
Ahhh. Hugs to you from up here in Santa Clarita. You take her anytime you feel unsure. You are and always have been a great Mommy to your girls. Sending prayers your way that sweet baby Annnie feels much better soon.
This is different, but I think you should take Annie to the doctor just for your own peace of mind. Rather than wait for tomorrows appointment or risk germs at the ER, you might check to see if there is a walk-in, non-emergency clinic in your area. Here in Albuquerque, we have MD Urgent Care (http://www.mdurgentcare.com) Is there anything like this near you?
I hope Annie is all better soon! Poor little thing!
Lamb´s last [type] ..Sing A Ma Jigs Really
I can’t even imagine what emotions you experience when Annie is going something that Maddie went though. And I don’t think you should hesitate if you want to run with her to the ER. You’re always going to be more cautious and guarded. I hope Annie has nothing more than a cold and that you’re both sleeping better very soon.
Heather, thinking of you and hoping Annie is feeling well soon! sending you hugs xx
I know this is super scary for you, but hang in there momma. You are doing a great job. I am sure Annie will be just fine. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers. Get well soon Annie.
Nicole´s last [type] ..Smiles and Laughter- Rawe
I’m still known to shake Alex almost awake if I can’t see him breathing. It’s the mom thang. xoxo
Oh Lady, I’m sad you had to come back to this. Hoping she’s much better this morning. And I’m pretty damn sure you’re allowed to run to the ER anytime you want, considering.
do what makes you feel the safest when you are in a situation that makes you feel so unsteady. Know that you are an amazing mom and every decision is made with love and care, which makes it the right decision.
So sorry Heather. I am thinking of you and your Annabel and hoping that she feels better soon.
You are a great mom and are not to blame for what happened to Maddie. Annie is probably just fine, but if it helps you to sleep better, take her to the ER. Everyone understands your worry.
I’m sure she’ll be just fine, but you know what? I am a big fan of the “just for peace of mind” potentially-unnecessary Urgent Care trip. My paranoid butt was in the NST chair every couple of weeks when I was pregnant, and now that my son is here I’ve called the nurses’ line for everything up to and including a non-poisonous barely-visible caterpillar sting. If you think you’d feel better to take her in, go right ahead! You’re the mama, and what you decide is law (at least for the next 17 years or so).
Student nurse here: signs of respiratory distress in an infant: retractions (sinking in skin above or below her scapula), movement of her chest while breathing (babies usually use their abdominal muscles), audible wheezing. Try suctioning her nose – babies have to breathe through their nose and have trouble breathing through their mouths.
Make sure she is getting enough fluids to help loosen secretions, try sitting with her in the bathroom with the shower on super-hot and no fan to help with humidity. Have her sit up or hold her upright while she sleeps to help promote oxygenation.
When in doubt, go to the ER. ESPECIALLY if her lips or nailbeds or other mucosa look remotely bluish.
I’m sorry that you even have to go through that gut-wrenching decision making process. I hope Annabel feels better soon!
It’s a moot point now, as it’s afternoon of the next day now, but I thought I’d share my 2 cents, just in case it’s helpful to someone…
I’d definitely take her to the ER, if for nothing else, then for peace of mind.
Before I had kids, I had dogs and I took many trips to the ER just to ease my mind (and in one case, my dog had splenic torsion, so it *was* a life saver in that it would have been too late by morning, so sometimes that cautious approach is a good thing). Then, when I had kids, I did the same: I’ve made many an ER trip just to allow myself to sleep at night (which, up until recently, wasn’t a big deal as we lived 3 blocks away from the ER! Now, it’s a 20 minute drive and much less convenient!)
Many parents in your situation (understandably) *feel* like their gut betrayed them — you listened to your gut with Maddie and you still lost your little girl. That’s very characteristic of parents of SIDS babies too — most didn’t feel like anything was wrong, yet their babies died.
So it’s going to be a long time before you can trust your gut again — if ever. And that’s okay. Generally speaking, little harm can come from being overly cautious in this sort of situation.
I think of it in pros and cons. Here’s an example of what I do:
***Go to the ER: Pros — get peace of mind; she’ll be treated; disaster potentially averted; you can live with yourself should the worst case scenario unfold.
***Go to the ER: Cons — she could be exposed to sick people (bring lots of hand sanitizer, a mask, and disinfectant wipes, and sit away from everyone else and you should be okay); also, it’s a potentially unnecessary expenditure (but we can always earn more money; you can’t put a price tag on children, health or peace of mind.)
**Stay home: Pros — Annie can rest a bit better (but you can’t); save money on a [potentially] unnecessary ER visit.
**Stay home: Cons — Worry will keep you awake; she could be seriously ill by the time you get treatment; great potential for regret should the unimaginable occur; the anxiety could literally make *you* sick (that happens to me after a period of extreme worry/stress — even if it’s just a few hours, it really kills my immune system, as I always seem to catch something.)
I know it sounds stupid, but I’ll actually write it out like this and the “right” decision becomes really apparent (go to the ER in this case.) I also think of decisions in terms of what I can live with, should a worst case scenario unfold. In this case, you wouldn’t regret taking her to the ER — you’ll know that you did all you could; if you stay home, you’ll likely regret that decision. It’s a morbid way to think, but I’d rather be safe than sorry in this regard. Dealing with a really sick child in the hospital, or losing a child, etc. is beyond difficult; we don’t need a regret-flavored cherry on top.
Don’t beat yourself up, Heather. Do what feels right. As one of the others said, if you’re wondering “Should I go to the ER?” it’s probably best to go.
-Truewell
Oh Heather, I am sorry that a cold has you so fearful.
Hope Annie is feeling better today and that you are too.
Hugs
I am so sorry Heather, take her to the ER if that will calm your nerves even a little. I hope she and you feel better soon.
Thanks to you, Mike, and Maddie, Annie is a healthy girl. She’s one of the healthiest-looking babies I’ve seen. A cold is a bump in the road for Annie.
I hope she feels better soon! I’m coming down with a cold myself.
Amanda M.´s last [type] ..Sinning for Fun and Profit
You should run to the ER or any other medical establishment any old time you want. You have certainly earned the right to be a little nervous and if anyone can’t understand that, tough crap.
I hope today’s appointment went ok.
I’m sorry. You’ll do this forever. My son was sick at two with Leukemia. He’s 24 now and if he gets the slightest bit sick, I immediately become panicky.
Do what you think is right. NEVER EVER
*Never ever doubt yourself
I know it’s hard Heather but you can’t play the “what if” game or second guess your decisions about Maddie. What happened to her is not your fault. This guilt that your carrying has got to hurt so bad and I’m very sorry. Her lungs were never normal and Annie’s are. I’ve taken my son to the doctor with a fever, not having ate for 2 days and nothing was wrong. Took him one time because he just wasn’t feeling well and he had RSV. My friend’s daughter was literally running around playing last night but developed a fever, took her to the ER and pneumonia! Point is that moms with healthy kids do the “should I take them in or not?” dance too. I can’t even imagine trying to make that decision after everything you’ve been through. My motto? Take them in. For me, it only costs $30 and sometimes that’s worth peace of mind. Sending get well wishes to Annie. Heather, you’re awesome and you can get through this.
Oh, Heather, I wish things were different. Trust yourself, you are a great mom and will make the right choices. Trust yourself.
Love and hugs.
Lisa´s last [type] ..Hitting the Road…Again
You are a wonderful mother and you can trust your instincts.
I’m so sorry that this even has to be an issue, a worry, or even just something that comes into your mind.
As much as she is alike, she is also so different..
Grasping that though, having the security in that…I can’t even begin to fathom..sometimes the world is just so…cruel.
And sometimes, we all just need that extra reassurance..and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that…
Hope all went well today..although I’m sure she’s recovering well
Erin´s last [type] ..Betwixt & Between
Oh Heather…I know you have already been to the doctor by now… and I hope that Dr. Looove put your fears to rest.
Remember Annie is a strong healthy little girl (who is going to get sick) and I’m sorry that the similarities are there.
But she is a fighter (very much like her sister) and she will be fine.
I hope, though, that you did what was best to ease your mind.
Dawn @ What’s Around the Next Bend?´s last [type] ..How are THEY affected
Hugs to you.
Pattie´s last [type] ..Coralines Playlist
My thoughts were with you all day, so much that I returned to comment.
As a reader and supporter of yours, I want you to remember that Maddie’s death was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. As a mom, I know that I would ask myself all of the questions you are asking. Remember that we have confidence in you, even when you don’t.
Sending healing thoughts Annie’s way. And your way, always.
xoxo
My heart beats fast and hard with anxiety for you right now. As a mother I question nearly every move I make, with my third child as much as my first and I have never been through the trauma you have. I am so so sorry for your panic and your worry. What happened with Maddie was not your fault, dear one. But if you need to make a few extra trips to the ER to put your mind at ease, then do it. You are a good mom, and things are out of your control. Sending you love and peaceful vibes. I hope Annie is feeling a little better and you can sleep tonight.
jenny´s last [type] ..Out of the Past- My Panties are Too Tight
I hope you and Annie are both feeling a little better tonight. You are a wonderful Mommy to both your girls!
You write with such love, and worry and heartache. The latter of the two of course fueled by love. There’s not a shadow of a doubt in my mind how much you love your girls. With your situation; having to lose Maddie, it saddens me that you worry more, when Annie gets sick. And I’m so incredibly sorry about that unfair reality you must now live with. So just go with your heart. If going to the emergency room makes you feel better, than do it. May Annie get well soon.
<3 <3 <3
Go….
That’s what they are there for.
I am so so sorry for you having to go through this experience. I had tears in my eyes reading it. Anxiety and PTSS are awful. Praying for you to get through and the amazing Annie to be just fine.
Heather– I have been reading your blog ever since someone told me about it after my only daughter, Hudson, died in May at 17 months old of a sudden and incredibly aggressive bacterial meningitis infection. I don’t know why I haven’t commented until now, but now I just feel compelled to. First, I will say that I saw your later post, and I am so, so, so glad that Annabel is fine– I’m even gladder that I read that post before I read this one. Second, I will say that I truly admire your ability to keep your head in that situation– we don’t have a subsequent child yet, but when we do, and that child is running a high, unrelenting fever like my sweet Hudson did before she got seriously ill, I don’t know how I will keep myself from running to the ER every single time. Every day, many times a day, I wonder whether I could have saved Hudson if I’d taken her to the ER at 4AM rather than to the pediatrician at 8AM. I blogged about it here a few months ago: http://hudsonsonegoodthing.blogspot.com/2010/06/worst.html
I just wanted to share this with you to let you know that I have a very unique understanding of how this must have felt for you– we both lost our first child (our only child at the time), our daughters’ ages at their deaths were only a few days apart, and the suddenness of the illnesses that claimed their lives is so similar. I wish that you did not have to live with this deja vu. I wish that I did not have to dread it– it will most surely happen. Reading your blog brings me hope that someday the depth of this pain will at least be mixed with some new joy. Love to you and your family. Thank you for sharing.
Mandy´s last [type] ..Almost 300 Good Things