In the days after Madeline died, my Aunt Kathy and Uncle Bill made the drive from San Diego to Los Angeles to join us at our apartment. After they arrived they gave us quick hugs and then retreated into the bedroom – Maddie’s bedroom – with my mom. It was a sister comforting her sister. I was numb. I didn’t mind.
At some point my Uncle came to where I sat clutching Rigby on the couch, and asked me if I would come with him into Maddie’s room. I remember he called it Maddie’s Room, at a time when everyone else was avoiding calling it anything at all.
They sat me down in the green rocking chair I’d held Maddie in only days before. I felt a sense of dread. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want them to tell me they were sorry, or that they were hurting. I would have to comfort them, and I was tired of telling people, “it’s okay, it’s okay.” It wasn’t okay.
My uncle closed the door and my aunt, my sweet Aunt Kathy who’d always had the exact right words for me my whole life, simply handed me an envelope. I didn’t want to open it, but I did.
I pulled out a card with a line from The Little Prince: In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars will be laughing when you look at the sky at night..You, only you, will have stars that can laugh!
Inside my aunt had written, simply, “We love you.”
I looked up at my aunt and uncle and realized they were handing me a small box. Under its lid was a beautiful Amethyst on a delicate gold chain. My aunt fastened it around my neck.
It was slightly longer than my other necklace, but not so long that I couldn’t grab all of them in my desperation. I’d push the stone into my chest, hoping the pain on my skin would distract me from the pain in my heart. It didn’t.
That day, purple wasn’t just Maddie’s color – it became mine as well. I find that when I am feeling sad and overwhelmed, I unconsciously slip into purple clothing. People always notice when you’re wearing purple, even strangers. I save the Amethyst for the days I need extra strength. It’s been tucked away for a while, but soon it will be around my neck again.
{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }
Few words today…..only tears…and cyber hugs, love and support sent out to you!!! xoxo
Heather,
This post made my heart ache. That necklace is absolutely beautiful. I’m a Wiccan, I believe that gemstones have a way of their own on our psyche. Amethyst is one of my favourite gemstones because of the qualities it has. Amethyst is a powerful and protective stone. Its a natural tranquiliser, it relieves stress and strain, soothes irritability, balances mood swings, dispels anger, rage, fear and anxiety. Alleviates sadness and grief, and dissolves negativity. It calms and stimulates the mind, helping you become more focused, enhancing memory and improving motivation. Amethyst assists in remembering and understanding dreams.
Remember these things when you wear it.
There’s not a day that passes by that I don’t think of you and your precious family.
Becca_Masters´s last [type] ..Dear Postal Workers
This is eloquent and beautiful. Wishing you strength – that which you have long exhibited to have so much of within you, as well as that little bit extra you find in the necklace.
Elizabeth :: Bébé Suisse´s last [type] ..The Year of the Baby: it’s not too late for it to be too late.
too soon.
i pray that she’s completely surrounded by love.
My favorite quote from the film The Color Purple ….
“I think it pisses God off when people walk past the color purple and don’t notice it!”
I can’t think of a better time to use that quote, than right now.
Hang in there, you are doing a wonderful job, probably better than you know. You are an inspiration. xxx
I love that line too! Completely fitting for Heather!
Darcie´s last [type] ..Holy Cow –
Beautiful post.
And here’s to hoping you won’t need the necklace for a very, very long time.
this hit close to me because The Little Prince is my favorite book and I’ve always loved amythest because it’s my Mom’s birthstone. I love that you have these things to protect and comfort you. Hugs.
I’m so sorry Heather that you seem to have a disproportionate amount of loss in your life right now. It sucks and it’s not fair. Yet you always manage to hold your head high, take care of your family, and make us laugh with stories about the Awesomely Adorable Annie (that kid is sooo special). Wishing you peace in the days to come, and a break. I can’t imagine anyone who needs one more.
And I’ll look forward to more hilarious stories about Intrepid Annabel.
Hugs.
So sorry, Heather. Hugs and prayers.
Beautiful.
Shannon´s last [type] ..Strong Is The New Skinny
What a beautiful treasure, Heather; just as Maddie & your Aunt Kathy are…………………………..
Today I simply have no words. Love and hugs, Heather.
Lisa´s last [type] ..100 Days
Amethyst is supposed to have powerful healing properties. I learned this many years ago when I was a medical social worker in a huge metro hospital. I always kept a few small pieces in my office at the hospital. It seemed to calm the energy in the room. I have crystal clusters and a huge crystal pyramid displayed in our home and several small cyrstal points in various places. Amethyst jewelry seems to help me feel grounded and calm. When my first dog died (she was to me like your Rigby is to you) I was devastated. That very afternoon I was notified an amethyst ring I’d ordered had arrived several days early! I picked it up and put in on my finger at once, sure the universe must have known the deep pain I was feeling. Your aunt sounds like a very special person – it seems unlikely it was a coincidence she chose this stone. Hugs to you, Heather.
I have always loved amethyst but had no idea about the healing properties. My very beloved dog just died very unexpectedly (think how loved rigby is) and she was my last connection to my late mother. Tomorrow I start wearing amethyst. I need all the healing I can get, I learn so much. And, we are childless so to me she was my baby for right or wrong.
Oh the tears that are running down my cheeks – such a beautifully written and infinitely touching post!
You are truly surrounded (here on earth and in the heavens) by family and friends who love and adore you. When you don’t have the strength or can’t take another step, they and we are here for you…always!
I love amethyst…always have. It’s my birthstone and I always thought it was my special color.
I love that it is so special to other people too. Hugs…
(((HUGS)))
I was also given an amethyst after our first son died by a very good friend. She told me that amethysts have powers of protection and healing. I wish both of those powers for you now and always. Sending you hugs and peace. Take care.
Lanie´s last [type] ..Human Doings
XOXO
punkinmama´s last [type] ..arriving september 2012
Sometimes I just wish that I could kick death’s ass and make him give Maddie back.
Rebecca´s last [type] ..Goals and Happiness
Beautiful rememberance for a beautiful little girl. I love looking at picturs of your Maddie and her big beautiful eyes. I picture heaven to be the most innocent place where all the children play and laugh…
Meg L´s last [type] ..Shine bright
Sending love and prayers to you today, Heather.
Beautiful story, beautifully written. Thinking of you…
Thats a beautiful quote and seems like a beautiful memory in such a dark and hard time.
Every time my daughter wears purple (which is often), I think of Madeline and you.
Kristin´s last [type] ..Freeing up some time..
I’m so, so sorry Heather. The weather was incredible in SF this weekend. I think the sun shined extra bright for you two.
Yesterday, completely by accident, my girls and I all wore purple. It made me think of you. xoxo
cindy w´s last [type] ..circle of life-ish (or live fish)
I’m sad for you today. My girl is sleeping in my bed ( after climbing in with me at 4 am and proceeding to poke me in the eyes and giggle for half an hour). When she gets up I think today will be a purple clothing day for her. And as we drive to daycare I will again tell her the story of a special little girl named Maddie, who is gone but never ever forgotten. Love to you all xxx
Paula´s last [type] ..One year…and the end of the blog…
Beautiful post.
Purple. my mom’s fav color. When I wear a purple top or polish my nails purple it’s a constant reminder that she is right here besides me…in my heart.
I hope and pray that you won’t have to wear your stone anytime soon.
Praying for Jackie!
Peace & strength
xo
Many hugs to you.
Today I pulled on a purple shirt that was buried deep in my closet and headed to the doctor and ended up in OB triage. All is fine, but as I sat there a nervous wreck as they ran tests, I remembered you and your girls and Jackie and that awesome “I’m Brave” shirt. And I felt comfort.
I hope the amethyst brings you comfort as well as the love that surrounds you all.
I have a diamond ring that I had turned into a pendant that was my Grandmother’s, and then my Aunt’s, and when she was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer she gave it to me. (My Mom had another ring of my Nana’s, and she gave that one to my sister.)
I wear this pendant every day. I always feel like I have my Aunt and my Nana close to my heart.
Sometimes it’s the ones that say the least that mean the most. I’m glad your aunt and uncle were able to do that for you. Wear that necklace every day if you need to. We are all here behind you, and your family and your very dear friends offering up support on the days when you need it most.
Jackie´s last [type] ..from scratch – soup & biscuits
How sweet and beautiful…how did your Aunt & Uncle know just what to do? And just where to gift you with beautiful card and necklace. Maddie must have whispered in their ears. Truly special indeed.
Please remember that as the time grows near, as you clutch that necklace more tightly with each passing day, there are many people who are loving strangers out here in cyber world (as well as those who are near and dear to you) who will be loving and supporting you and Mike and your extended family. Maddie remains loved and bright in the memories of many.
xoxo
Auntie_M´s last [type] ..Tea Time…
I wanted to add that I love that your aunt chose The Little Prince. I found great confort in this book myself, and that passage in particular, when my nephew passed away.
http://musingsfromauntiem.blogspot.com/2010/01/little-prince.html
Auntie_M´s last [type] ..Tea Time…
Light and love to you all.
Amelia´s last [type] ..The phone rang at 4 am….
Sending you strength, courage, and love.
I’m wearing purple tomorrow. Not because I am feeling sad, but to honor you and yours.
Thank you for posting, even through your grief. You have no idea how much of a constant your posts have become in my life, and how much you have inspired me to cherish every day to its fullest.
What a beautiful gift. This post brought tears to my eyes. Im so sorry!! I wish I could take away your pain. I wish I could say things will get easy , but I dont think its ever does. Maddie was a beautiful child and she is missed by so many of your readers including me! Hugs to you.
I am comforted so much by my memorial jewelry that represents my sweet daughter.
I love purple, always have and never really had a why behind it other than the beauty of the many shades it can bring.
After reading your blog for the first time the day after your sweet Maddie passed and walking in my first March for Babies that same year it all changed. Wearing of my beloved purple now brings on a whole new meaning.
Sending you extra love during these hard days and hoping we can all lift you up and you find some comfort in leaning on us.
Praying for peace for you. Hugs and prayers.
Sweet Heather, I will be praying for you in the coming months! My niece would be 1 on April 11. I get knots in my stomach thinking about it. The pain is so real and unbearable, too much for words sometimes. I will pray for you guys!
I’m praying for you, Heather, and for Jackie!
Beautiful memory! my granny’s advices and love is my best memorable gift i received to her in the last few days of her life.
Hugs, I am in tears for you.
Bobbi´s last [type] ..When life and perfection crash.
Love you and love Maddie. xoxo
Thinking of you always and praying for you and Jackie.
What an amazing aunt and uncle. Perfect words when there are no words. I am thankful you were blessed with them.
Megan@TrueDaughter´s last [type] ..Because I like to drive myself crazy…
Such a beautiful necklace. I know I tell you this all the time, but I’m saying it again….
I LOVE YOU, always!!
AmazingGreis´s last [type] ..Wordless Wednesday – Bliss Pics…
Purple was my Aunt Karin’s favorite color too. She passed away in the fall of 2010 after a strong battle against breast and colon cancers. She was in her late 50s.
I’m getting married next month and I took my mom shopping to find a mother-of-the-bride dress yesterday. One of our last finds was a really flattering, purple dress. My mom paused while looking at herself in the mirror and said “Karin would be proud.” It’s so true. Karin would be thrilled to know my mom is wearing purple to my wedding. I’ll see my Aunt Karin throughout my wedding day now.
I too had a necklace given to me when we lost our Evan. My mother in law gave me a heart locket with his name and date of birth on it. I kept some of his cremation ashes in it and had it permanantly sealed and it never, ever left my neck. Then I had Evangeline, who broke every necklace I owned. We were out on the bus one day, Evangeline in the Ergo, when I got home I noticed the necklace was gone. I ran back to the bus shelter but couldn’t find it. I called the bus station, they had not had it turned it, it was not in my shirt, or pockets, or the Ergo…it was just gone.. I cried and cried, I couldn’t beleive I had lost it, I felt aweful and guilty. Then I had a moment of clarity, it was ok. It was time. I had a ton of memories physical and mental of my Evan, it was ok that the necklace was gone. It was like he was giving me permission to stop forcing myself to remember all the time (ha! like we ever, ever, ever forget, necklace or not) and just live my life with his sister, holding him my actual heart, not material heart. I can’t even explain it, it was just one of those things. It was time for me to let it go. Not that any of this is meant as anything other then story sharing, because your Amethyst story made me cry a little and remember my own necklace story.