The urge to escape was overwhelming. On Tuesday, Mike, Annabel and I got in the car and drove south. When we reached our destination, we were finally able to rest.
We spent a lot of time quietly together.
On the seventh, we took Annabel to places we’d always wanted to show Madeline.
We enjoyed a purple feast sent by amazing friends.
And we picked out some lovely purple flowers.
As the day grew older, we went down to the water’s edge. We sat, the three of us, on a bench built for four.
We told Annabel stories of her sister, and she listened intently.
And then, at the right time, we took our flowers and threw them into the sea, one by one.
We can’t escape forever. Soon we have to return home and live another year. Madeline has been gone 365 days. Where do we go from here?
{ 221 comments… read them below or add one }
I can’t imagine what the day has been like for you guys. Sending lots of love and positive thoughts your way… Hang in there!
My heart and mind have been with you and your family all day. Madeline has truly changed the world. I don’t have an answer to your question, but I truly hope you find it. Thank you, Heather, for giving us Madeline and sharing her with us all.
.-= Kisha Floren´s last blog ..I love it when you Toy With Me…. =-.
I’m glad you did something peaceful. xx
.-= tiff´s last blog ..When… =-.
I am so sorry Heather and Mike. I am so truly sorry for your loss and the feeling that you’re always loosing time that you could of had with her. It’s very cruel.
.-= damaris´s last blog ..I {heart} my job[s] =-.
So much love to you all. Prayers.
.-= Mary Jo´s last blog ..In Memory… =-.
My heart aches for you… all of you. There are no words to describe how sorry I am. Lots of ((Hugs)) is all I can offer and maybe a little reassurance that your Maddie will live on in my heart forever.
I was fine reading this until I got to the bench built for four.
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Boy Finds a Stick =-.
What a beautiful day of remembrance in honour of such a special little girl. Maddie was in my heart in a day spent with my kids. She is all that is light and good in your sorrow and heartbreak. Hold on tightly to that.
I am new, but am assuming you lost Madeline a year ago today. I’m sorry for your loss and for what must have been an incredibly sad day. May the next 365 days bring you a little less sorrow than the last ones. Thank goodness you have been blessed with little Annabel to help your hearts keep beating..,
Purple flowers bloomed the world over for your sweet Maddie today. And their sweetness and light, just like hers, will remain in our hearts much longer.
You will go forward. You will. It will be hard, ubelievably hard, but you will. And you will find a way to bring her with you. You already have.
I don’t know that you will ever find peace. I haven’t. I think the best we can hope for is finding the way forward. Finding hope. After that, we just take one step at a time and we hope. And we hope that that is enough.
Thinking of all of you and hoping. Always.
I thought of you guys a lot today. *giant internet hugs * you are wonderful people with magnificent daughters.
Onward, forever onward. With your beautiful Madeline always in your hearts…
*hug*
.-= Mijke´s last blog ..We’re home, and all is well! =-.
“A bench built for four”. That just broke my heart. I am so sorry for your loss and this heavy burden on your hearts.
You keep going forward, as you have been so bravely, with many, many of us all round the world behind you every small step of the way x
A beautiful way to spend the day remembering a beautiful girl. Love to you…
.-= Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..Inspired by WhyMommy =-.
I have no words…..just love . And hugs….lots and lots of hugs.
No words. Just lots of hugs and love for you all.
Love Coronado – glad you escaped there to find a little bit of relaxation and hopefully peace. The sky so blue and your hearts so purple. That was a nice tribute to Madeline to toss the purple tulips in the ocean. My family did a similar private ceremony, tossing red roses into the ocean, on my mother-in-law’s birthday the first year she had passed away.
I thought of you and your family often today. We’re here to keep lifting you up in positive thoughts. Keep writing for as long as you want or need.
Beautiful entry and remembrance.
xoxo
Oh my. … Words always fail me when I feel emotions most strongly after reading your words and seeing your pictures. They’re failing again, but I’m going to try. What a beautiful way to honor Maddie’s life and memory. The whole day – everything. Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us, so many of whom you don’t even personally ‘know’. … There is so much more, but I just can’t find words to express it. .. Thinking of you more often lately…wishing harder than ever… (((hugs))) and love to you guys.
Thought of your daughter alot today. She has definately taught me so much for never even meeting her. Because of her, I try not to take a moment for granted with my little ones. Thank you.
You ate so loved, Heather. You and your whole family. xo
.-= sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..Always. =-.
And ate = love, BTW. LOL! Coco!
.-= sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..Always. =-.
Maddie knows you miss her and she misses you too. I too am thankful you got away for the day. Try not to think about 04/07/11, just take it a day at a time, a moment at a time, a millisecond at a time if you need to.
Thinking of you, loving you from Michigan and praying for you, always.
I clicked into your Flickr photostream just now and was struck by all the beautiful pics of Annie. It hit me suddenly that it’s such a beautiful miracle that you had her with you for this exquisitely painful day. How incredible that you have this small person to accompany you on an incomprehensibly long journey…
Thinking of you, and Maddie.
I can’t even imagine what your family has been going through! I just want you to know that I am one more person that has been deeply touched by your precious, beautiful Madeline. I don’t have any children yet, but because of you all when I do I will not take any time with them for granted!!! Your Maddie has touched more people in this world than you may ever know!!!
Lots of love to you from Germany!!
Such a heart wrenching, yet very beautiful tribute to sweet, sweet, Maddie, and so very necessary for the wounded souls of her Mommy & Daddy. You two are amazing. The photos of the day are wonderful, and I can’t believe how much Annie is changing,,,,,just gorgeous!!!
Love to all of you,,,,,,,,,,,,,
What a lovely way to remember Maddie. I love that you decided to take Annie someplace that you always wanted to show Maddie.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..The best book is the one with a rotten cover =-.
Heather, you and Mike and Annabel will find your way, with Maddie always in your hearts. I know you will.
The purple flowers in the water are heart-breaking.
.-= J.´s last blog ..Busy Busy Busy =-.
What a beautiful way for you, Mike and Annie to spend the day remembering Maddie.
.-= MstoMrs´s last blog ..In response to comments…. =-.
I’m not going to even pretend like I have advice. Just so sorry that going on is so painful day in and day out. The photos are beautiful.
.-= Kt´s last blog ..25 Weeks =-.
I am thinking of you and Mike today….what a hard day, my friend. I am wearing purple today….and I never do that! I got a purple shirt just for today….and to Maddie….I’d like to say, “Sweetheart…you are so missed, Love you, sweet girl!”
Hugs Heather!
.-= coloradolady´s last blog ..Vintage Thingies Thursday: Cripple Creek Class of 1913 Memory Book =-.
“We sat, the three of us, on a bench built for four.”
Hugs to you all. One day at a time.
.-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..The scream =-.
That statement made my heart ache more for you all
Beautiful flowers for a beautiful little girl and a special way to remember her. Alittle angel taken too soon
What a lovely way to spend the day remembering Maddie.
.-= charlane´s last blog ..Caketastrophy =-.
What a beautiful way to spend the day in honor of Maddie. As always, in my thoughts…
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Easter Eggs =-.
‘We sat, the three of us, on a bench built for four.’
oh. That took my breath away.
Beautiful flowers for a beautiful girl.
One foot in front of the other, just as you have been doing.
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Stuff =-.
Yes… just one moment, one hour, one day at a time.
My heart aches for you both..
No words. Just lots of hugs and prayers for you all.
Sometimes escaping is just what you need! (((hugs)))
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..In her honor… =-.
Thinking of you.
Oh so so beautiful.
Steph
.-= Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..Knit Head =-.
You’ll find strength. Looks like you are doing it perfectly in your own way. Time will help you move on, but you will never forget.
.-= Jen at Cabin Fever´s last blog ..Too Far off the Beaten Path =-.
I cannot think of a more beautiful, or peaceful place to remember and honor Maddie,, Coronado is just beautiful and so is your Maddie. <3
Why does the sun go on shining…that song always resinates in my heart on those anniversary days…weeks. I know that feeling of completely broken, empty, and alone. I wish I had the answer for you, sometimes you have to just take things one minute at a time. One day it will get easier, it is just going to take a long time, at least that’s what they tell me. That was a beautiful tribute to Madeline. I hope today brings you happy memories and peace. Love to you all.
((HUGS)) to you Heather, Mike and Annie. Maddie was with you on that bench, she’ll always be with all of you. I hope you were able to find some peace during your trip. What a beautiful way to remember your beautiful girl.
.-= Anjie´s last blog ..Maverick Monday =-.
One foot in front of the other, and one more day at a time. Tulips are my favorite flower. And Gladiolas…because one one bloom is done, there are more to come!
<3<3<3<3
Sounds like a lovely day spent thinking about Maddie! She was probably up in Heaven squealing with delight about tossing the purple flowers! Just continue to love her everyday as you’ve been.
.-= Java´s last blog ..Happy Birthday Venti!! =-.
Well said, Java! I can picture Maddie now, clapping her hands, that bright smile on her face and her eyes shining with joy. (your comment gave me chills)
Yes that beautiful smile!!
.-= Java´s last blog ..Happy Birthday Venti!! =-.
what a beautiful, peaceful way to honor your sweet maddie. i believe that she and annie have a sisterly bond that nobody will ever truly know but them…and you and mike will nurture this bond for the rest of your days…
much love and good will,
kristen
xo
what a beautiful way to honor Maddie.
big hugs.
.-= tara´s last blog ..first steps =-.
I have no answer as to how to go on living with the pain (though I wish I did). But one thing you’ll keep doing is inspiring others and sharing Maddie’s memory.
Last night, as the cashier was ringing up my groceries, she asked if I would like to donate to March of Dimes in my tab. She started to give a pitch, but I cut her off instantly with, “YES. ABSOLUTELY.” I could tell she was a little surprised at how passionate and quick my reaction was, so I explained why I was wearing bright purple and why an incredible little girl left us all exactly a year ago because of prematurity.
It meant a lot to me that they asked on April 7th, that I could do something ever-so-small but at least tangible to recognize Madeline Alice.
You’ll keep inspiring.
And we all love you. What a gorgeous post.
Wish with all my heart the bench was holding four of you.
a great way to remember your daughter. We have been thinking and praying for you
.-= sarah @caiafacraziness´s last blog ..Pack Your Bags =-.
Oh, Heather, this one has me in tears. What a lovely way to spend such a hard day. I know Maddie was with you, ad she always is. One moment at a time. Xo
.-= Pgoodness´s last blog ..One year =-.
Thank you for sharing your special and difficult day with us. We will keep her in all of our hearts forever.
Wherever you go, we will all be here with you.
(((hugs)))
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..Bleeding Heart =-.
“Madeline has been gone 365 days”…heartbreaking. I am so sorry. I pray that the pain gets easier to bear…peace.
((((Hugs)))
What a beautiful tribute to a beautiful and special little girl. My heart goes out to you all.
You have done a terrific job of taking one day at a time. I agree with the others who say you can’t look too far ahead– one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time…….
And Maddie was there– on that bench with you…….
Hugs,
Jacky from MD
What a lovely way to pay tribute to your daughter. Thank you for sharing her and sharing your grief.
.-= Delenn´s last blog ..Frilly Silly Willow =-.
You just keep remembering every wonderful moment with Madeline, putting one foot in front of the other on days that you can, and living with the horrible knowledge that life goes on without her. Time passes and no one has any idea what it is like unless they have lost a child. You will survive these first two years, but it is hard work.
Thinking of you and your family. I don’t have the right words, but the words that you write are always so beautiful.
love from one of the millions
I can’t even begin to imagine your pain. My advice is to live every minute, every second as fully as Maddie would have wanted you to live it. Keep putting one front in front of the other and keep moving forward. April will never be the same for you, purple will never be just another color, but they are still just as beautiful and Maddie was and as your memories of her will always be for you.
.-= Pam´s last blog ..March Special, Save over $200 =-.
Beautiful post, Heather, and a beautiful memorial to Maddie. Thank you for sharing.
.-= Jen @ lifelove’n'wine´s last blog ..Remembering Maddie =-.
Forward. You go forward in the in the most heartbreaking of ways as best as you can. In time, it won’t be a decision you have to make each day. You’ll just do it. For now, keep going through the motions of going forward and in time, you won’t have to remember to do it.
So much love to you all.
.-= Amy´s last blog ..Stitch Therapy =-.
Heather,
I just started reading your blog in the last week or so. For most parents, losing a child is an irrational fear. For you and Mike, it is a horrible reality. For me, it is a very realistic possibility. My 14-month old son is a happy, amazing boy, whom you would never guess is sick by looking at him. But his health is very fragile. You are living my worst nightmare. At first, reading about your reality was too much for me. But the strength and grace with which you are making your new life is inspiring. Thank you for having the courage to share Maddie with the world. She, and your family, are now in my family’s heart and prayers forever.
One day at the time. You survived 365, now one day at the time to go wherever life will take you. Madeline is not forgotten nor will she ever be…
Grief and mourning don’t have a time frame, so don’t count the days… live them to the best you can… if you can.
.-= Catherine Lucas´s last blog ..Cambridge bikes =-.
What a beautiful day, Heather. Your family is surrounded by prayers and thoughts all over the world. Maddie was with you yesterday and she DID get to see where she had not yet been. The scenery was just beautiful. I hope you found a few smiles through the pain yesterday. And I hope you find smiles today.
.-= Melissa´s last blog ..Arrrr vs. Ouwwww =-.
Two days ago I watched my incredibly healthy six-month-old grandson destroy the purple March of Dimes tag on his mother’s nametag for where she works. He grabbed it and attempted to eat it- his main reaction to everything right now. And I thought of Maddie.
Last night I put up a post that was inspired by the suffering of people I know and I included a picture of purple wisteria blooming so high and thick in a tree that it looked as if the tree itself were blooming purple. I dedicated that to your daughter, Maddie.
And I am thinking today of your Annabel who is the child in your arms now and I am thinking of the arms which hold her and wondering why my words here never, ever come out right.
Just…we’re thinking of you.
.-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..Just This =-.
I suppose that you could try to balance the pain and agony of living another year without Maddie with the joy and excitement of living another year with Annabel.
Not to ever forget Maddie…. not to lessen or diminish the pain…. just to try to tip the scales a bit.
Much love from one mama to another.
You guys were in my thoughts constantly all day yesterday just as you are in my thoughts frequently everyday. I’m glad you had each other, I’m glad you could get away and spend some quiet time remember your Maddie.
We all love her and we all love you. We are here surrounding you in love and support, helping you make it through.
Love and hugs. Your sweet Maddie is never forgotten.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Never Forgotten =-.
My heart is in my throat for all of you. I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling. I can just list to your words and say as I always do…a stranger in Omaha is a different person due to your family, that you are loved, prayed for, thought of, and more. Keep both of your girls close. Keep telling Annie stories. Keep taking time out for you. Keep your husband close as well. Keep breathing. Keep Maddie in front of us so we may do great things all for her that may help others. And keep hugging Annie tight. We love you and yours here. You are safe here. Prayers and love. God bless.
Heather and Mike
What stong parents you are. God will continue to give you the strength you need everyday. Maddie will live in your hear forever. Prayers for you on this day and everyday.
I’m still wearing purple today in honor of Maddie… she deserves more than one day, I think.
Annie looks so cute!
.-= Christen´s last blog ..Introducing… =-.
We can’t escape forever. Soon we have to return home and live another year. Madeline has been gone 365 days. Where do we go from here?
i can’t imagine giving “advice” to someone who has handled this most horrible event with such grace but i would say that as far as “Where do we go from here?” — you continue on as you have been remembering your Madeline and cherishing your Annabel.
i spent the day yesterday thinking of your family and remembering your beautiful daughter.
Oh the ache in my heart this week intensifies as I read about your emotions. Such a beautiful time of rememberance and not really an escape at all, just a time to reflect, honor and remember Maddie… You are able to do that with grace and show Annie and Maddie how you love them both so much.
You will continue to move forward from here, but never forget and never let go… The never letting go will always be the reminder at how amazing your life with Maddie is and always will be.
Your family is continually in my thoughts and prayers…
Brooke
.-= Brooke´s last blog ..Feeling Compelled =-.
What a beautiful, touching memorial – and I love how intimate and poignant the whole thing was…. thank you for sharing it with us.
God bless you, Mike and Annabel, and to Maddie in heaven.
On… you go on. Like you have been, even when you weren’t aware. Like you are now, making sure Maddie is a part of Annie’s life. Like you must, so she will. Like you can, because you have the love and support of all of us who love you.
Love, hugs, peace and strength to your family.
I don’t pretend to have any answers, but I am one of many who love you guys and thinks of you regularly. Hopefully that is of some comfort.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
What a beautiful way to remember your girl.
Sending many hugs and good thoughts your family’s way.
Follow Annie – she’ll show you the way for now, until your ready to chart the course again. And Maddie will always be with you – there will always be four on the bench. It’s not the way it should be, but she’s with you.
Love this.
I forgot to wear purple yesterday, so today I wear purple for Maddie. I am glad you got through the day – love to you guys.
xo from CT,
Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..thank you Easter Bunny, bawk bawk! =-.
Thinking of you all – yesterday, today and everyday. You are in our hearts.
I’m so glad you got away. Not that it could help you escape the feelings, because nothing can, but I hope it helped a little.
That last picture of the flowers in the water is absolutely heart-breaking.
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..her favorite aunt =-.
Thinking of you and remembering your beautiful little girl.
What a beautiful place to pay tribute to your sweet Maddy. Jenn
That was beautiful and so are the pictures.
I am wondering how much further south you went? It would be nice to see palm trees instead of snow in the winter that’s for sure.
Your year is behind you now. You held up with grace. Losing a loved one is part of life but there is always the why. There seems to be no earthly reason. It’s that question that haunts me. In my case the person missing is my husband.
You have a beautiful family and so much love. Hang on to that.
Hugs
Marie
Sounds like a beautiful way to spend the day together. Absolutely perfect. Where do you go from here? You go forward. Just as you have been. Measuring the time doesn’t matter. She’ll always be with you regardless. Thinking of you,
Much love to you all. xoxoxoxo
.-= Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..Heavy Hearts =-.
The image of beautiful purple flowers on the water will be in my mind all day today as I carry all of you in my heart.
My heart just aches for you and your family. I thought of your Madeline all day yesterday and saw purple everywhere. What a beautiful way to remember your daughter…especially by sharing stories of Maddie with Annabel. Your photos and your words convey such emotion.
Sending you strength across the miles.
.-= MommaLionessMichele´s last blog ..Sending Strength to the Spohr Family, Today and Every Day =-.
A truly beautiful day to honor a truly beautiful life!
(((HUGS))) from Florida
Truly fitting for the day.
And Annie is flat-out gorgeous!
.-= Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..Commitment & Remembering #maddie #hope4anissa =-.
Heather….
My heart goes out to you… You all have been in my thoughts and prayers… and i have been wearing may Marching for Maddie t-shirt yesterday in her honor…
It was so heartfelt to see the pictures of your trip…
Laura
.-= Laura ´s last blog ..Amazing! =-.
Up, my dears. You go up. You have been through the worst there is. Nothing can ever hurt you as much as losing beautiful Maddie. There’s nowhere to go but up. Maddie’s memory will lead the way for all of you.
.-= middle-aged-woman´s last blog ..It’s Random Tuesday Time… =-.
From here you make the most of every moment with your beautiful Annabel… You have a whole world in front of you, even if that world is different from what you had been expecting and hoping for…
I wish you all so much love and joy in each other. I hope that Annie will grow up KNOWING her beautiful sister. Annie is a wonderful “where to go from here”. I know you’ll find your way – and I’m sure that Maddie will be right there along for the ride.
.-= kelly´s last blog ..Little drummer girl =-.
Heather – I’ve been thinking of you, Mike and Maddie so much lately. I’m amazed at how much her amazing life has touched me – and how your strength has strengthen me.
E-hugs and prayers.
xoxo,
Sareh
You are young and strong. You go forward into the unknown which will be filled with blissfully wonderful moments (and some sadness) and someday you will be so grateful you didn’t give up on life or your future, your children’s future, your grandchildren’s future, or your great-grandchildren’s future.
Remembering Maddie and all she taught us about love…
What a wonderful way to remember Maddie! I know Annabel will cherish these stories about her sister in the years to come.
.-= Lisa_in_WI´s last blog ..My Hometown’s Contribution to March Madness =-.
Looks like Annie loved all of the stories about her big sister judging from her lovely smile. Glad you had a chance to get away from the routine for this occasion
.-= habanerogal´s last blog ..A Quickie Quitting Update =-.
Sounds like the perfect way to remember and celebrate lil Maddie.
.-= Esther Crawford´s last blog ..Don’t Breastfeed In Paul Frank Stores =-.
You did the right thing, but I know you just wanted to scream how could this have happened, to Madeline,me, mike and Annabel. But we must never ask why, because there will never be an answer. I love the way you commemorated the first 365 days without your daughter. But your blessings are big with Annabel. She has the best parents in the whole wide world. Thank you for documenting your time away as you grieved. You are letting us into an extremely personal documentation of your life. You both have amazing grace and strength. Madeline gave you that gift.
.-= Deidre´s last blog ..End The Funeral With A Wedding =-.
What an intensely sad, yet beautiful way to honor and remember Maddie.
(((Hugs))) from here!!
.-= jen´s last blog ..leavin’ on a jet plane coach bus =-.
Thinking of you today and sending love your way.
.-= @Dayngr´s last blog ..Website Wednesday =-.
Thank you for sharing how you spent the day with Mike and Annabel. Where do you go from here? Up, up and away to celebrate your beautiful daughters, in heaven and here on earth, everyday. I hope all of those who have fallen in love with your family through this blog will continue to support you as your family continues on this journey.
I’m glad you did something, too.
Peace to you.
.-= Alexandra´s last blog ..Hasten, Children, The Hour is Nigh =-.
Everywhere I looked yesterday I saw purple. I choose to believe it was in honor of a precious little girl few of us had the opportunity to meet but the privilege of knowing through you. Thank you for sharing Maddie with us.
It sounds like a day as lovely as it could be. As for where you go from here, you take it one day at a time just as you have for the last year. There will be tears, laughs, hard days and not so hard days. You just keep going for both of your girls, because they both deserve it, and so do you.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Maddie =-.
I wish there were word that could offer comfort. I’m sure there aren’t. My heart is sad for you. I’m glad at least that you were able to have a day that was as good as this day could be. And that photo of Annie is so sweet.
What a beautiful way to remember a beautiful little girl. Love and hugs to you all.
.-= Diane´s last blog ..Kithens and birthdays =-.
Oh hun, this post – and what you guys did to remember her – is so beautiful. Both you and Mike have remarkable spirits, and I can already tell that Annie does too.
xoxooxo
.-= Sarcastica´s last blog ..purple; for Maddie =-.
You’re beautiful, Heather! Seemed like a beautiful way to spend that day, remembering Maddie and telling her little sister about her. Sending you good thoughts today…
So beautiful
I thought about your family so much yesterday. What a beautiful way to remember Maddie.
.-= Whitney´s last blog ..A fantastic book =-.
It looks like a beautiful way to remember Maddie. And wherever you go from here, we’ll all be with you.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Everything together =-.
Hugs…
Achingly beautiful tribute and memorial.
I can’t imagine how a minute in your shoes feels let alone a year. As for what lies ahead? Keep taking things moment by moment.
Love to you and your sweet family.
.-= Karen´s last blog ..For Maddie: The Legend of the Birch Tree =-.
Thank you for sharing. You have been constantly on my mind. Wishing you peace.
That sounds like a very special day and a good way to remind the whole family in the years to come. It definately brought tears to my eyes as I remember our lil Jordan on the 15th and plan something for the family to keep his memory alive even though he never made it here.
.-= Angie´s last blog ..Pumpkin Pancakes(as promised) =-.
I thought of Maddie all day yesterday. I wore purple to honor your special, beautiful girl. I think of her everyday and stop by your site every morning to check on the whole family. I wish that there were words to comfort you, but there just isn’t. But please know there are people like me out there that remember Maddie, not because we met her, but because of your amazing stories you keep online. We all love a girl so much that we only know by pictures and blog posts. Love to the whole Spohr family.
Love,
Trish
i wish you had her still, that she was bright and funny, and enjoying every moment with your family. i know it’s not enough, but i’m sorry. i know you’d rather have her than anything in the world. i know you love annabelle that much too. i am sorry she is not with you.
What a beautiful tribute. Coronado is the perfect place to go for some peace.
Praying for peace for all of you.
Maddie has been on my mind a lot too. Might seem strange since I never met her, but her impact reaches far and wide.
I heard a song yesterday that made me instantly think of her. It’s one that’s been around for awhile and one that I’ve always loved, but when I heard the lyrics again, it brought about a whole other meaning. Especially the line in the song about “you’ve got the most stumbling blue eyes I’ve ever seen”. It’s by Donna Lewis and called “I love you always forever”.
Anyway, thinking of you…all of you!
argh
i forgot to say that the way you celebrated maddie was so beautiful. i hope that you find some peace. i know the fear that it will only be the bad things that you remember. i don’t think it will be true, but i don’t have an easy answer.
You don’t know me, but I am one of the thousands of people that your story has touched. Your blog has changed my life and I just wanted to send my love to you and your family.
I’m glad you were able to take the day and focus on your daughters and your family. It sounds like a really nice commemorative ritual to perhaps do every April 7th? My heart is with you as always.
What a beautiful way to honour your Maddie x
what a beautiful way for you to remember your maddie. i thought of you all, all day long. i am constantly in awe of how brave you are to just keep going, and make the most of each day, despite the fact that you are suffering so much. so where do you go? you just keep going…and know that we are all going to be here, wrapping you in hugs. xoxo
What a beautiful way to honor your first daughter. Praying peace and joy in the year to come. (Glad you are enjoying Coronado too. One of my favorite places to go as a San Diego girl)
I’m glad you were able to get away for a day that we all knew would come and couldn’t stop. I thought of you, prayed for you, cried for you, and tried to smile for you. I don’t pretend to know what you are going through, so all I can do is “stand in the gap” for you and pray that each day gets a tad easier.
.-= Heather@Triple Blessing´s last blog ..Easter Weekend!! aka…a really long post with lots of pictures =-.
I thought about you guys all day yesterday and how I hoped the day would pass by quickly for you.
I am soo glad that you all got away and that Annie was there to give you hugs and snuggles.
Hugs!
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Great Expectations for Jake =-.
As hard as it is going to be you live your life to the fullest. It almost feels wrong for me to say that since I have never walked in your shoes but from looking at the pictures you posted there is so much beauty around you.
Plus you have all of us who will encourage you every hard and difficult step of the way.
What an absolutely beautiful tribute to Maddie! Heartbreaking and sad but I am so proud of you and Mike for having the courage to LIVE on this horrible anniversary and keep Maddie’s memory alive and strong. She deserves that and Annie will be blessed to know her. I cried when I read this…you really captured the essence of the day…The bench broke my heart in half. I had to collect myself before I went off to a meeting. So touching.
This whole post just tore me up… more so than yesterday’s for some reason. Maddie was there with you on that bench as someone else wrote. So glad that you got away for some meditation with sweet Annie… just the 3 of you. But oh how I wish… with all my heart… that it could have been the 4 of you. sending much love and hugs from NJ.
What a beautiful way to remember a beautiful girl.
What an imperfectly perfect way to spend the day. Love and peace to you all.
.-= Jenny´s last blog ..April 7th – Remembering Maddie. And Waiting on Baby S… =-.
As a mother who also lost my child, my daughter, I can tell you that you will go on. You have gone on. There will be a day when Annie does something that will fill you with such happiness that your heart will have no room for any sadness. When that time comes, Heather, don’t feel guilty. It doesn’t mean that you have forgotten Maddie. It means you honor her. The bad memories you have are the ones that will fade around the edges. The sweet ones just become more precious.
Oh Heather, I wish I had an easy answer about where you go from here. All I can say is just keep going and eventually your new normal will become a little easier to live.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Get Your Navigation Guide Here =-.
What a beautiful rememberence of your beautiful girl. You will always be her Mama, you will always carry her joy and memory with you, and you will always share stories with Annie so she knows her too. It will be so hard, but you can do it.
Very beautiful, and so moving. I’m glad you guys were able to share with Annabel. My thoughts and prayers are with you for peace and remembering.
You do your daughter right. I know she would love it, as Annie did.
Good for you guys. Getting away and just spending quiet peaceful times remembering and honoring Maddie. What a wonderful way to pay tribute to her. Hugs.
Heather, Mike, and Annie… What a beautiful way to honor Maddie. Thanks for sharing! My heart aches for you. Sending you hugs xx
I can’t say anything to fill the space in your hearts. But I will say this:
Keep doing what feels right. And when you don’t know what to do, just talk to Maddie. She can hear you, and I truly believe it helps to heal your heart.
And Annie is such a beautiful little sister…Its amazing.
Sigh.
Thanks for sharing your day with us. I thought of you all day.
Just keep going, one day (or minute or hour, if that’s what you need some days) at a time.
hugs
.-= leel´s last blog ..:: one for the records :: =-.
You go forward one day at a time, with your heart full of love. I think you are learning that even though your heart is filled with sadness it is also filled with joy, and there is space for both feelings. You are a person of love, Heather, and you are doing a wonderful job.
.-= Ginger´s last blog ..Going some place where the gum isn’t stinky =-.
Thinking and Parying for you, Mike, Annabel, and Maddie. *hugs*
.-= Alissa´s last blog ..A Year of Transformation =-.
I want to give you all a huge hug, but coming from a stranger on the internet, that might be more creepy than comforting.
Still, I’m thinking about all of you.
A beautiful day, in tribute to a beautiful girl. I couldn’t have imagined anything more perfect.
Hoping for peace, and smiles, happy memories, and Maddie dreams.
All our love.
~Mandy and Ronan
Where you are at in the pictures is one of my most favorite places in the world. The flowers you placed in the sea, are my most favorite and in my most favorite color. Must be why Maddie is one of my most favorite girls…..ever.
So glad you were able to get away to somewhere private & (hopefully) peaceful. It looked like such a lovely way to commemorate Miss Maddie’s life.
Wish all the love & support you have could make it all better but know that isn’t true…but you are loved & have the support of so many from around the world.
Thank you for sharing your Maddie with us.
~Mary
Sifting Through the Sand
By Gwen Flowers
I sit among the scattered shells,
A shovel in my hand;
But use my fingers, gently curled,
For sifting through the sand.
I’m looking for something I’ve lost,
But don’t expect to find.
The sand is something tangible,
But I’m sifting through my mind.
It’s cluttered now with memories
And dreams that wouldn’t die,
Like seagrass sometimes hides sandspurs
That make the tender cry.
Like broken glass or other trash,
Are bitterness and fear.
But buried deep within it all
Are treasures I hold dear.
So, deeper still, I plunge my hand
And probe the tender regions
Of an angry, broken heart
That knows so many seasons.
Somewhere in there are treasures
I still hope to find.
Buried in this broken heart
or in this troubled mind.
Somewhere is peace, and laughter.
A way to understand.
New hope, a kind of healing.
Somewhere. In the sand.
Where do you go from here? You spread Maddie’s word, help inform people about premature babies and raise awareness…my thoughts are always with you and your family. Annabel is beautiful and I know Maddie must look down on her and smile.
Go where Maddie’s heart takes you. To the places such as the photos above, which she would have loved.
I am so glad that you guys got out and didn’t stay home. What a
BEAUTIFUL way to honor Madeline. I don’t know if I could of done the same (got out of the house). You two are stronger than you’ll ever know! And my heart is with you both.
Lots and lots of prayers.
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..My Little Joey-Joe =-.
For some reason, this post touched me even deeper than the letter to Maddie yesterday. I don’t know why. It’s an overwhelming heaviness surrounding me when I think of your day. Your days. Annie’s days. I picture you guys talking to Annie, telling her all about Maddie. Maybe you even talk to her when you are alone with her – just mom and Annie or just dad and Annie. Things and thoughts you may never say out loud. I honestly don’t think I could sit here and tell you that Annie is just a baby who doesn’t understand…I honestly think she has saved you both. She doesn’t have big shoes to fill, she has already filled her own.
I am so glad you were able to get away… to spend some peaceful time together and to remember how wonderful Maddie is… big hugs.xoxoxo
.-= Jodee´s last blog ..Maddie =-.
Just beautiful. There are no words.
what a beautiful, loving and quiet tribute to your dear daughter.
Nothing quite like the Del Coronado. We were just there….such a beautiful place. So happy that place brought some comfort to you. Much love as always.
What a beautiful way to celebrate a beautiful life. Perfect. XO
What a beautiful way to spend the day. Annie is just so beautiful. I can see Maddie in her, but she is her own person for sure.
.-= Stephanie Stearns Dulli´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday~ The skills that pay the bills =-.
Hi My Sweeties,
As I looked at your pictures it dawned on me I usually LLLOOOVVVVEEEEE looking at your pictures but today, they made me…..sad. My eyes started to weep for you and so did my heart.
I’m glad you went away and it was so sweet of your friends to send you those purple treats….so kind. I also hope throwing the flowers in the water brought you both a sense of solace.
My 10 yr old daughter, Sydney who goes to Catholic school is in LOVE with Annie and Maddie. Thanks to her, my boys (12 & 6) are now also madly in love with 2 little girls…especially with one they have never meet unfortunately.
As the 7th of April drew nearer, Sydney questioned her teacher and priest why Maddie had to go to Heaven. Their answers brought her little solace. Instead, she sat down and very carefully and full of love, Sydney drew a picture of Maddie and Annie and with tears in her eyes, she asked me to send it to Maddie’s mommy and daddy so “their hearts don’t hurt as much as it probably does”.
When I told her the picture had been received and was loved, she smiled and hugged me and said “Maybe Maddie and Annie will like it some day too:. I agreed
Wow. Heather’s posts make me cry all the time, but this is the first time a comment has done so. What a sweet thing to do for the family.
Heather, I am on the outside looking in, and yet sometimes the grief for Maddie is overwhelming, perhaps because you convey it so accurately. I can’t pretend to imagine even a fraction of what you are going through, but maybe it helps to know that though she’s not here now, Maddie lives on in the hearts and thoughts of thousands of people like me.
I’m still praying for you all. You’ve been on my mind a lot this week.
.-= Carrie´s last blog ..Praying for Maddie’s parents today =-.
Forward, always, with both your dear girls.
Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
You honored your precious daughter Maddie in such a moving way, I cannot stop the tears from flowing. Though I never had the privilege of meeting Maddie in person, I miss her too.
beautiful. I honestly don’t know how you do it, but it’s beautiful. the view was beautiful, the purple flowers were beautiful, and the writing was beautiful. I just wish it wasn’t so sad….
Annabel is just precious. Sending you hugs and love and some strength as you go forward.
What a truly beautiful way to remember your sweet Maddie.
Lots of love to you all.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Letters =-.
Already commented today, but for some reason I can’t get that precious girl out of my head today. Her life may have been short, but she has made a huge impact in this world.
Love that bright star of yours…peace to you and Mike and that beautiful Annabel…
I am so sorry the pain has not subsided. I remember every second of my son–good and bad–including hospital stays, low Apgar scores and tomorrow his conception date (infertility makes you know every date).
I can’t even imagine your pain. My heart cries with you. Please know we are thinking about you.
Enjoy Annabel. There’s a reason she is here.
you move forward one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Your sweet little Madeline has made more of an impact on this world in her short time here than most people do who live to be 100. Annabel couldnt have a greater role model. just know that in each day, hour, minute, that your family is in the thoughts and prayers of everyone who’s lives your family has touched.
Oh, Heather.
What an amazing tribute to your beautiful Maddie. Thank you for allowing us to experience it with you through the breathtaking photos.
I love you.
.-= Y´s last blog ..The One in Which Jay Mohr Answers My Very Important Questions Because He is THE BEST. =-.
What a beautiful way to spend your day!
Heather, you are on of the strongest people I know.
Your letter to Maddie was breathtaking. The way you all spent her anniversary was both heart-wrenching and beautifully fitting. I don’t know where you go from here. I suppose the easy answer is that you keep living each day, soaking up the precious gift that is Annie, loving each other to the fullest, and finding new ways to remember Madeline and share her with the world. But that’s the easy answer. I know you will ache and hurt deep within forever and always…at least until you are with her again. And sometimes that is poor comfort when we don’t know exactly how such a reunion will play out. Thinking of you as you take the next steps….
.-= Kelley Land´s last blog ..March 21 =-.
You just take one step at a time, all the while knowing you are not taking those steps without Maddie as she is in your heart, she is part of who you are.
Can’t imagine the struggles you continue to go through. I hope that little Annabel brings you some much needed joy. As I donated to March of Dimes today while checking out of the grocery store, I thought of Maddie once again. Everytime I donate her sweet face comes to mind and I’ve never met your family and I’m all the way in GA. She has touched me so much! God Bless your family!!!
Heather and Mike – just wanted to let you know that for the past 6 months I have been following your blog. It is usually the first thing I check in the morning when I get up. You both could be the most brave and courageous people I know. Thank you so much for sharing Maddie with the world. You have taught my family so many things. Keep writing and I so love watching Annie grow. Thank you Pam
I have not commented in a long time..But i continue to check in on you. This post was breathtaking. I just have to tell you that you are doing such an awesome job in reminding us all of Maddie. I read a lot of blogs and I have never seen such commitment and love coming from two parents. Thank you for sharing your life with us all. I think of maddie often. I get so excited when I get to see pictures and hear about her and of course the new baby. Thank you for keeping maddies memory so close to all of our hearts. You are the best parents to two very precious girls. All of my love and hugs.
Amber Gardner in Las Vegas NV
Hugs to you Heather. I think taking Annie somewhere every year on the seventh of April would be a wonderful way to celebrate Maddie’s life.
A beautiful tribute, so fitting for such a beautiful girl.
I showed the other casting girls some photos and videos of Maddie today; I shared her story. They all fell madly in love with her, and the rest of your family (how could they not?). I felt compelled to share her with the people in my life, just as you have shared her with us, so that her memory remains vivid and alive in others. I hope you realize just how many of us are out here, remembering her and wishing good things for you, Mike and Annie. And the number grows by the day.
Sending lots of love and warmth.
Thank you for sharing your daughters with all of us and what a beautiful way to honor Maddie. I love Annie;s serious face as she listened to your stories, what a doll. I wish you all peace and love.
.-= Mariah´s last blog ..Hair Everywhere =-.
I read daily but don’t comment nearly enough. I pray for your heart to be healed. It looks like a fabulous place to spend time as a family. That sweet little baby of yours carries her sister’s spirit, but you already know that.
I am one of those friends you wrote about before that never met Sweet Maddie, but I think about her every day. I’m still praying for you in these hard times.
I can’t imagine your heartache… She was with you on that bench built for four, that I am sure.
.-= Rumour Miller´s last blog ..C – Section Day =-.
My heart aches for you and I think of you and your family often…..I loved the picture of the Del–a few years ago, after suffering a really traumatic (and life threatening) pregnancy loss, my husband planned a weeks vacation for us there. I always get a twinge of sadness and happiness whenever I see the Del or think of that vacation there. I hope it was a soothing place for you and your hubby & sweet baby girl to be on such a tough, tough day.
Warmest Regards,
Cara from North Carolina
The only place you can go… forward. Hopefully taking all of us with you. It’s a long road, to be sure, but we’ll all be there. Maddie too.
Thought of you every moment of the day yesterday. Much like all days. *hugs*
.-= Kristel´s last blog ..Come Visit Me! =-.
My heart just aches for you guys. Love the flowers in the sea.
.-= Haley´s last blog ..Getting My Fill =-.
I watched the video you made for Maddie’s eulogy for the first time today, in honor of her. I’m so sorry. She’s just beautiful, and so is her sister.
I have never met you, but have read every word you have written since Maddie’s death. I have given to the March of Dimes in her memory, just because she made a difference in so many lives. I have learned so much from you, and am impressed every day that you get up and breathe…because I know how hard losing someone you love deeply is…even though I never lost a child. I will continue reading and praying. I hope you keep waking up and breathing…because for now, that is all you can do. Annie is a lucky little girl. She will be blessed by Maddie’s legacy. I also pray for peace for all of you…though I know that comes so slowly….Hope it helps just a tiny bit to know that Maddie changed the world for so many people. Even strangers. How many people will ever be able to say that????
Hugs
What a beautiful way of remembering and honoring Maddie. I think of you and your family often. Love, Amy
May God Bless your broken heart……That’s all I have
My prayers and my heart have been with you both this week.
.-= Vera´s last blog ..Two Months =-.
We all miss Maddie, such a sweet little girl.
xo
Love and blessings to you. I pray for your peace and comfort, healing for your deep wounds and grace to get through each day.
Warmly,
Christy
.-= Christy´s last blog ..You can get it here… =-.
What a beautiful tribute to Maddie.
When you said, “We sat, the three of us, on a bench built for four.” I cried.
I wish I had the right words…just know that there are many out here thinking and praying for you.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Shame on me =-.
The world was alive with purple for Maddie yesterday. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
.-= Jenni Williams´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: For Maddie =-.
I can almost imagine how hard this past year has been for you. I lost a full term baby November 11, 2008 and not a day goes by that I don’t wish he were here with me. I also have had a daughter since my son was born and she will always know of her other older brother that didn’t get to be with us. My heart goes out to you and I wish you happiness. Happiness in the future with Annabel and in the memories of Maddie. Your previous post about how many lives she has touched is so true. I find links to your blog on MANY websites and blogs I visit. She truly has made a big impact on the world. We are in a better place because of her.
((hugs))
Another comment from someone who recognized Hotel Del and thought it was the perfect place to remember someone as special and beautiful as your Maddie!
I’ve found myself checking your site more than average over the last few days – “I wonder how the Spohrs are doing now…I hope they are holding Annie tightly and know that strangers like me out there are thinking of them” – Thanks for sharing with us and showing us what true courage and resilience looks like. Take care.
I’m never sure what to respond to posts like these. A year ago right before Maddie left this world I discovered your blog. I had one more month to go before my second daughter was born and had been having awful contractions. So I was told to take it easy by the doctor. So I read through the archives and fell in love with little Maddie. And all the difficulties she had, yet such a wonderful smile through it all.. (Not to mention your sense of humor!) Shortly after she passed from this world. I cried and could not imagine what it would be like. I didn’t want to imagine. I can say I’m sorry for your loss, but they seem old and trite. Just know that when I do March of Dimes this year, it will not only be for my nephew, but for little Maddie too. She will be in my thoughts.
From Conan O’Brien’s farewell monologue. “Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.”
Thank you for including us on your journey.
I can’t imagine the pain, the heart ache, or even how you keep breathing every day without her. You are amazing for sharing your life with strangers, and you remind me on a daily basis to kiss my babies one more time, to take one extra picture, and to hold them a little longer. Please take comfort in knowing that while you sat on that white bench with your husband and little Annie, Maddie was there too.
I hope during the next 365 days you have many joys to help heal your heart.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Sweet Music =-.
You go into tomorrow, a big scary place, without Maddie, but with others whom you love, and who love you, and with happinesses unlooked-for.
.-= Della´s last blog ..Marvelous, Magnificent Maddie =-.
it’s hard for me to believe it’s already been a year, and yet it has. A year of pain and sweet remembrances for your family. I pray for comfort as the time passes and am thankful that people haven’t stopped the support for your family.
.-= Melanie B´s last blog ..Spring Is In The Air! =-.
Beautiful and devastating. Maddie will never be forgotten. No matter how many days go by without your Maddie, know that she is loved and remembered during each and every one of them.
Much love to you all.
xoxo
What a special tribute for an amazing little girl. My thoughts were with you all during the last few days.
Annie is lucky to have you guys as parents and to hear stories about her big sister.
Take all the time you need. Of course we can’t all run away from pain, but it’s nice to escape when it becomes too much.
.-= Meg´s last blog ..Perspective =-.
You go forwards with Madeline. Always.
And with Annabel and with the knowledge that you have two beautiful daughters (maybe more?) and enough love that Madeline always smiled and Annabel will do the same.
Love and Sympathy,
Kat x
That’s beautiful, Heather. I’m so glad you were able to remember Maddie together and with Annie. I know there will be many years of stories to tell her.
I don’t really have any words but just wanted to let you know that there is another person thinking of you and Maddie (and Mike, Annie and Rigby, too) It’s amazing how many people have been touched by Maddie; she will always be remembered.
I don’t know if you are still in San Diego but feel free to email me if you need anything.
Beautiful. (((HUGS))) to you all
What a beautiful way to keep her memory alive and to share those special stories with her new little sister.
.-= Toni Jones´s last blog ..It’s a….. =-.
Thinking of you all…
.-= Kelly Maguire´s last blog ..He’s parenting ME =-.
My heart is with you.
my heart is with you guys. for my family, april is heartwrenching as well: eleven years ago it was the birth and death month of the first-ever grandchild, beautiful sadie, my brother’s daughter who lived three weeks and passed away in her hospital
bed in a manner so similar to what you’ve described with little maddie. a year later in april, my brother and his wife gave birth to a healthy baby girl (incidentally, named maddie.) and last year in april, my wonderful daughter was born. i remember pleading in my head with whatever powers are listening to PLEASE NOT go into labor on sadie’s death day, a day that still resonates with my entire family, a day that makes us all so heartbroken when we turn the calendar forward from march… happily, my poppy rushed into the world and i got to cuddle her close on that deeply sad day, thinking of my brother, my sisters, my mother, and being utterly terrified of the cruel possibilities in life…
thinking of your family – beautiful maddie, calm, sweet annie who looks so much like her sister. (: i think you guys are doing an incredible job of honoring m’s memory while still showing annabel beautiful life experiences. both your daughters are so lucky to have you as parents.
xoxoxo.
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