Today I am 29 weeks pregnant. It’s the longest I’ve ever carried a baby. Every day past today will add on to that. Seems like a funny thing to say, but when you give birth prematurely, these extra days are meaningful.

Mike and I have had yesterday and today circled on the calendar since June. We knew they would be days that could potentially be difficult. And they were.

All day yesterday, Mike and I kept flashing back to the 202nd day of Madeline’s pregnancy. Her last day “inside.” It’s hard to believe that Maddie’s pregnancy ended at this point, that her life outside my body had already started. Especially when I know how NOT ready Binky is to come out right now. It makes me so sad for Madeline. She wasn’t ready, either.

It’s not to say that I’m not so happy that Binky is still cooking. Every day beyond this last Saturday takes her further away from the rough start her older sister had. There are a bunch of doctors, nurses, and other health care professionals working tirelessly to help give Binky the chance Madeline didn’t.

It’s bittersweet. Now that I know it’s possible for my body to go this far in a pregnancy, I haven’t been able to stop wishing things were different, wishing I’d had this level of care during Madeline’s gestation. Wishing Madeline could have benefited.

Wishing, wishing.