It’s no secret that pregnancy doesn’t really agree with me. Every day I progress is hard-fought. It’s more than just dealing with the physical ailments and restrictions; now that I’ve carried Binky farther than her sister, the mental battle is intense.
Many preemie moms carry the guilt that their bodies failed their babies. Even if we know on an intellectual level that they didn’t, no matter how many times we may be told it’s not true, we can’t help but blame ourselves. Every day in the NICU I would apologize to Madeline that I couldn’t keep her inside longer.
It’s hard to believe in a body that let me down the first time. I am constantly looking for signs that something might go wrong, convinced that if I am extra diligent I might be able to prevent history from repeating. At over 31 weeks, I am in uncharted territory where I don’t recognize any of the aches and pains. Are they normal, or the other shoe dropping?
I work every day on trusting my body. I talk to my people about my fears, and we work through them and try to put them in a little box in the back of my mind. I try to be kind to myself. It’s not the easiest thing to be. I remind myself constantly how far I – we – have come. That I am so close to a victory baby.
I think about how much I enjoy feeling her move around inside my belly. That I am never alone, because I carry her with me wherever I go. I tell myself that these moments are almost gone, and then I will long to feel those flutters and stretches again.
It is a battle, but I have to remind myself that thinking about the prize doesn’t jinx it. It’s OK to look at the light at the end of the tunnel.
InDueTime says:
Love the pictures. Praying everything continues to go smoothly (or as smooth as possible!) for a healthy baby Binky.
.-= InDueTime´s last blog ..Oh, Brother =-.
Kat says:
One day at a time. Keeping you and the family in my prayers.
.-= Kat´s last blog ..RTT- Antics at the Bungalow =-.
Seraphim says:
Firstly, can I say you have a beautiful belly. If we met I’d totally invade your personal space to hug you. And I can’t imagine the conflict you must endure each day must be so hard. I am glad you have good people to share your grief with. Hugs from Perth WA
.-= Seraphim´s last blog ..And a little child shall lead them (and my giveaway!) =-.
Jessi says:
Beautiful pictures!!
I am praying for your family and little Binky!!
Amy says:
These are such beautiful pictures. You are doing such a good job as an incubator, enjoy the ride because hindsight will bring you longing!
.-= Amy´s last blog .. =-.
Maddie says:
Glorious pictures. Have faith, Binky is hanging on in there for as long as she can. She’ll come when she’s good and ready, and hopefully when Dr Risky says so!
tiff says:
Beautiful belly shots.
Heather,
I know I have said this before but reading your posts has helped my heart to heal. All the things you write now, I felt but did not have an outlet to get it out at the time ( I discovered blogging when my victory babies were 15 months old). I read these posts and I am taken back to my own feelings as I carried Ivy and Noah after losing William.
It is so hard to trust again. It is.
Larissa says:
Gorgeous pictures!
christine says:
You’ve fought so long and been so brave. The light is there…keep focusing on it. You don’t even have two full months before you’ve cooked a full-term baby! (And shorter than that for one who will do just fine, although I know there are no guarantees. I hear that fear and I understand it. We will be with you every last step of this pregnancy and then every day after, for as long as you’ll let us.
catherine lucas says:
Hang in there… Every day is one day closer to Binky. Every little step counts. Every minute of this pregnancy from this point on brings strength to Binky. You have come this far, you WILL have this victory baby!
.-= catherine lucas´s last blog ..Looking for Shelter… =-.
Anne Y says:
Beautiful pictures Heather. I think Maddie is trying to tell you something because there is an orb in that last photo that is tinted purple. xoxox
Anne (MN) says:
I saw that orb!! It’s magical! That bright little burst of light is Maddie standing right next to you, Heather!! She is guiding you through every day and is watching over little Binky.
Being the mom of a preemie as well, I understand the guilt you’re talking about. It’s very hard to go easy on yourself and to trust your body again. Please know that you can do this. You can do this for Binky.
Love and Prayers from snowy MN.
Laura says:
That orb gave me chills! I noticed that there is one next to you, and one on your belly, and then a tiny one in between the two. I find it hard to believe that that does not mean something!!
I know that so many people say that orbs are just specks of dust that make it into cameras, but I disagree! A very dear friend of mine lost her young husband unexpectedly a few years ago, and in literally hundreds of photos of their son (taken with many different cameras over the years) orbs have appeared. They are always on or near the baby, or of her holding him. It just seemed right, and was so comforting, that it meant that he was watching over and protecting her, and their young son, and she took it to mean that he would always be with them.
I love that your particular orb is purple, and I love, love, love the idea of Maddie watching over you and her dear baby sister. How could she not be so thrilled that this new little angel gets to experience the most wonderful and loving family that she adored for 17 months?
I imagine that the “what if”s and the “what should have been”s could be paralyzing. However, your love for both of your daughters has allowed you not to let your hindsight get the best of you. I hope that you realize what an accomplishment that is, and what strength you have shown. We are all so proud of you, and I know that Maddie is too.
I can think of no better way to honor your daughter’s memory than to continuing to try to let go of that guilt you are feeling. Easier said than done, of course, but I know that your angel Maddie would not want her mommy feeling any of those things.
One last thing- I happen to disagree with you about your introduction to this post. I have been reading for a while, so I don’t think pregnancy is, by any means, easy for you, but yes, it DOES agree with you! I have never seen a more beautiful baby belly- and I have never seen a more precious, amazing, spectacular little girl than your Madeline. If that is the result of your pregnancies, I think it not only agrees with you, but that you have a miracle baby maker in there! Your second daughter will just be more evidence of that.
Hugs and prayers to all of you, today and always.
amanda says:
You’re doing an amazing job. We all can’t wait to meet the light at the end of the tunnel that is Miss Binky. 31 weeks, wow! Almost there1
xo from CT,
Amanda
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
What wonderful, beautiful, love-filled photos! I hope you can relax and enjoy this special time, even though it is hard. Love to you all!
.-= Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..Back on the bus =-.
meg...ct says:
Oh sweet girl, you are almost there. Hang in there.
edenland says:
Those photos are stunning.
True: I have had a brand new “Victory Babies” postcard for a year, sitting in my office, waiting for me to give to somebody. Now I know who.
.-= edenland´s last blog ..Weedkiller =-.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Hopefully, in 9 weeks you will be blogging about how HUGE you are…and when will Binky EVER come OUT?!!!!
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Smile =-.
Angie says:
Heather- when you have a preemie or suffer a loss those feelings about your body letting you down are normal and evrything after that is scary. You are doing so well to journal it and know these are your feelings. I think of you and lil binky each day even though I know you don’t even know me and hope each day for another for you both.
Amanda says:
Resplendent. Hopeful. And so much more. To one day at a time.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..If you only listen =-.
Jenn says:
Yes…although I do understand your reasons for being reluctant to celebrate these middle stone, it is Okay to look and even celebrate the future honey. Look how far you’ve come!!! You should feel proud of yourself!! I know I’m so proud of you!!! And…you have got the most PERFECT belly!!! My Lord, you could be a pregnant model!!!
I’ve had 3 babies and I can tell you through my experiences, with every passing week I would become even MORE tired, MORE achey from my stomach stretching and/or my baby kicking the CRAP out of me between 10:00 p.m. until 1:00 a,m VERY SINGLE night. Oy!!!
It’s so good you are so in tune with you body so you will be able to tell when things are “progressing”. Trust me…when you go into labour, you’ll KNOW what it is honey b/c nothing you’ll do will be able to will stop the pain for a comin’!!!.
You’re almost there Heather, just rounding the corner to the finish line and when you do get there…it won’t just you and Mike who will be celebrating!!! We will all be there with you, loving your baby A (unless you’ve changed her name to something else) with as much care, protectiveness, compassion and of coure LOVE. – the same LOVE we all hold in our hearts for your beautiful Maddie!!
I happened upon your site the 2nd time, the day you lost Maddie. It will be such an honour to be here when your new baby girls is lovingly brought into this world, It’s ironic…isn’t it? It’s like we’ve come full circle and Heather….I couldn’t be more THANKFUL you are allowing me to be part of your world with your other wonderful, kind and faithful followers!!!
Take Care of yourself…not too much longer too go for you!!! YAHOO!!! I will contine to think and pray for yourself and your whole family and I look forward to the day, I’ll log on and see your birth announcement with a picture of your new incredible 2nd baby daughter!!!! What a day that will BE!!!!
With Friendship, Love and Many Blessings…
Your Stranger Friend,
Jenn
ClassyFabSarah says:
Love love love the beautiful photos – they’re stunning!
Hang in there – you can do it!
.-= ClassyFabSarah´s last blog ..Shut Me Up Now =-.
Andria says:
You have such a sweet belly.
I know how you feel, and you aren’t alone. I feel like I failed the 5 babies I lost, because of my body. Even though we figured out what was wrong, eventually, I kick myself for not switching dr’s sooner. That effing jerk who was all, “sometimes you just have repeated miscarriages”…. Umm, over and over and over?
.-= Andria´s last blog ..The Birthday Girl =-.
Tracy says:
What a beautiful belly! Baby Victoria?
Sarah Bear says:
I love them all, but I love the bottom one best. So raw. Praying for you.
Aunt Becky says:
Awwww. Your belly is so beautiful. Baby Aunt Becky looks amazing nestled in there.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Doing My Inner Drag Queen (semi) Proud =-.
Elizabeth says:
Those pictures are amazing. You look great! As for your guilt, I think all mothers have some to a certain degree. For me, it was guilt over having a c-section and feeling like I wasn’t able to give birth the way I wanted. It took me awhile to realize that it doesn’t matter how my daughter was born just that she’s here and ok.
You have done so many selfless things to make sure Binky stays in as long as possible. I admire your strength and perserverance. Thinking and praying for you.
Bella says:
I can’t say I understand what you have been through. I don’t think anybody can. But after miscarrying last January, and now being 33 weeks along, I can feel a bit of what you are feeling. I read your blog and identify with your fears and worries. I want you to know that you are thought of and prayed for everyday, and that Maddie lives in my heart, and always will. You are an amazing mommy.
Kelly says:
Awesome pictures! Such a beautiful belly, and (soon to be) baby!
Erica says:
Dear Heather,
Wow what beautiful pictures, your baby bump is just perfect, just as your Binky will be. You are doing such a great job Heather, you are an amazing Mama to your girls. Keep up the good work. Sending you lots of love and hugs
Erica
Christine says:
Hoping fervently for a relatively easy remainder of your pregnancy.
You never failed Maddie. Please know that.
Laura says:
Amen! You did not fail Maddie!
She was one of the happiest and sweetest babies ever, and I can tell from her pictures how much joy she had in her life. She simply adored her family and her life, and YOU gave her that.
You did NOT fail your daughter in any way. You did NOT Please chant this to yourself. Over and over again, every day.
Nellie - New York says:
What gorgeous pictures and such a beautiful post! My daughter Ainsley is now 2 1/2 years old and I still miss those kicking, stretching moments of when I was pregnant with her – those were the times I felt most connected to her on a all our own mommy & me time.
Krissa says:
What a beautiful baby belly! … Wishing you many moments where the little box in the back of your mind stays there and stays closed, and peaceful glimpses of the light at the end of the tunnel. (((Hugs)))
charlane says:
Perfect Baby Belly!
.-= charlane´s last blog ..A New Christmas Classic =-.
J Smith says:
I’ve been a long time reader of your blog…but I’ve never commented before. Your post today was so beautiful. Thanks for sharing.
Karen says:
..one of the hardest things… letting yourself see that light at the end of the tunnel…. looking forward to it, even. But it’s so important to try. Because it’s there and you need to know that, feel that.. find the joy in that!… you do so deserve it.
.-= Karen´s last blog ..A Night with Richie Havens =-.
jen says:
Beautiful photos, Heather. Hang in there.
.-= jen´s last blog ..let’s call the whole thing off =-.
suzanne says:
Keep fighting, Heather. I am counting the days with you. I can’t carry any of your pain or change the past for you, but I can hold your hand in spirit as you forge ahead.
Suzanne
Nicole says:
<<<>>>
Nicole says:
meant to say BEAUTIFUL!!! no other words.
Molly says:
I’m sorry this is so hard. I can only imagine how wrenching this whole experience must be, even as it’s incredibly hopeful at the same time.
For what it’s worth, you carry a baby like a natural! You and Binky both look amazing.
MamaSeoul says:
Here’s a link to a free self-hypnosis track for bed rest.
http://www.birthdownload.com/index.php/bed-rest-in-pregnancy
I did Hypnobabies and it worked really well. It was very relaxing during pregnancy. They have a track called,”Baby Stay In” and “Eliminate Nausea Now” that might be good for you. They also have one track for getting ready for c-section to keep you relaxed.
.-= MamaSeoul´s last blog ..Birthday Party at the Seoul Club =-.
Tina says:
You are almost there my friend. Enjoy those kicks! Just a few more weeks (or more, I hope) and you and Mike will be blessed again by another beautiful daughter.
Your belly pics are perfect by the way. Love it.
You are a fighter and I am so proud of you. Much love to you and Mike.
Laurie says:
that last picture really hit me. it’s gorgeous.
i can’t wait to see that victory baby of yours. she’s going to be an amazing light to reach at the end of this tunnel.
.-= Laurie´s last blog ..Sad Fact =-.
Jodie Brooks says:
These pictures are beautiful!! Keep your eye on the prize ahead. The last trimester is the toughest because of the aches and pains and being uncomfortable!! We are all here for you and know that you can make it to the finish line!! You’re so close!! Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers EVERYDAY!!
Amanda says:
Beautiful photos!!!
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..P.S. =-.
Anna Marie says:
Gorgeous, gorgeous belly. The ONLY thing I miss about being pregnant is feeling the baby move inside me. I hope you can enjoy that feeling for several more weeks to come.
ally(adil320) says:
Oh Heather love.
You have the most perfect belly ever.
I wish I could tell you not to blame yourself, but I know it’s not possible. You can’t fight something you don’t know about. You were missing vital information, and because of that the actions that lead to Maddies prematurity had an unfair advantage.
You are an amazing mother, and one of the most unselfish women I have ever known. You would(and ARE) doing everything you can…and your doing a damned good job.
love you,
ally
.-= ally(adil320)´s last blog ..Eating Alone =-.
Laura says:
I love this comment. It is so true- you can’t fight what you don’t know about, Heather. You did everything right for your daughter. I know it doesn’t matter how many times you are told that, we are still going to say it- because it is the truth.
You did an amazing job creating and nurturing that beautiful and sweet girl of yours. She could not have been more perfect.
Lisa says:
Oh, those pictures are just beautiful, just beautiful.
One day, one step at a time. Hang in there. (and Binky, kick you mama to remind her that she is doing a fabulous job as an incubator for you, thx).
Love and hugs.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Santa Pictures =-.
Nikki says:
You definitely didn’t fail Maddie. Failing implies giving up, and you FOUGHT for your beautiful daughter. Unfortunately, she was taken from you much too soon, but of all the things that plague your thoughts, failing her shouldn’t be one of them. We know it, she knows it, and I hope you know it too.
I’m so proud of how far you’ve made it with Binky! Every Monday I come to work and look at the calendar while reading your post, and give a little sigh of relief that Binky’s still cooking. Both Binky and her mom are fighters, and before you know it she’ll be ready to come out and come home with you!
Your strength is such an inspiration. If I had half the strength you had, I could rule the world! Just know you have well wishes from GA every day.
Beautiful pictures too! Have a great day!
XOXO
Nikki
Julia says:
That last photo is breathtaking.
Amanda says:
I love the pictures – especially the one with your hands in a heart – I’ve always loved that pose.
A few more weeks and Binky will be here safe and sound. You’ve done an amazing job Heather and you’re a fighter.
You’ve got lots of us walking with you every step of the way which might not help that much but doesn’t hurt.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Sunday – Blow By Blow =-.
J says:
Wonderful pictures. You are all in my thoughts.
.-= J´s last blog ..Be happy =-.
Ms. Moon says:
Those pictures are amazing.
And trust, it seems to me, would be impossible. Trust must be earned- even from our own bodies. Luckily, you don’t have to have it for things to turn out right. And when they do- there will be trust and respect. And joy.
.-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..Sex Please, We’re Sixty =-.
Momma Uncensored says:
keep breathing momma..
.-= Momma Uncensored´s last blog ..doctor sputnik. =-.
DesignHER Momma says:
Heather – you are beautiful. Your body is an amazing, beautiful thing and it will not fail you.
Your almost there – and you’re doing it!
.-= DesignHER Momma´s last blog ..She’s Crafty and He’s Bananas =-.
JoAnn says:
Lovely, lovely, so lovely. What beautiful pictures. And what a wonderful way to represent such a beautiful lady such as yourself. As always, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Much Love
Becky says:
You and Mike are such amazing parents for so many reasons! I truly believe Guardian Angel Maddie is watching out for her baby sister and had a hand in getting her to you. She knew exactly what her Mama and Daddy needed and exactly when they needed it. All of a sudden….the name Victoria sounds so perfect to me. I’ve never really cared for that name enough to name my daughter that, but now it seems perfect and holds such a special meaning! I wish I had thought about getting pics when I was pregnant. My babies are 5 and 10 and I don’t have one single picture of my pregnant belly!:( Not much longer and you will have another beautiful daughter to bring home and shower with love! I am thrilled for you and Mike (and Rigby-how is she BTW?) Much love, hugs and blessings from Kansas!-Becky
Katie C. says:
I can’t wait to have my own victory baby… lost my baby in August. I know that once I hit 11 weeks with my next pregnancy, I will be on pins and needles, knowint that was how far long when I learned my baby had died. I can’t begin to compare my situation to yours, of course – but I can understand the apprehension and fear you feel every day. Pretty soon, though, you will welcome that baby into the world and all those fears will be gone. Of course they will be replaced with the normal parental fears – but I bet you long for that sense of normalcy.
Take care, Mama and Baby Binky!
Trisha Vargas says:
YOU NEVER FAILED MADDIE, NOT ONCE!!!!
(((HUGS))) from Florida
Grow Binky, Grow!!
Kittay Skeezah says:
I love baby bellies! You look awesome, Heather. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers
.-= Kittay Skeezah´s last blog ..Champagne Wishes & Water Balloon Dreams =-.
Tami says:
The pictures are very beautiful. My prayers are with you and binky every day. Take one day at a time. My thoughts are always with you four.
Hugs,
Courtney says:
I absolutely love the pictures, take one day at a time and just go from there! God Bless!
Kim says:
It is very hard! I am trying so hard to enjoy my pregnancy this time, and I am, but I also get so scared. I had Anthony at 26 weeks and now being 31 weeks I know I have made it much farther, but still 31 weeks is still way to early! I must battle on! I must continue to find that sane place and keep myself there. I know when I have my c-section and they pull my daughter out of me, 9 months of fear and joy are just going to pour out of me when I hear her cry. Just thinking of that moment makes me tear up. It is a dream of mine that I hope comes a reality…. but not too soon!
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Anthony obviously isn’t a fan. =-.
Lora says:
Beautiful pictures, beautiful belly. One of the most pretty pregnant bellies I’ve ever seen! 31 weeks is really great.
.-= Lora´s last blog ..On Living With A Not So Tiny Little Boy =-.
Mama Cas says:
Yay! 31 weeks! You have come SO far! We are all thinking of you and hoping for the best outcome.
With all of my kids, the 3rd trimester was riddled with bizarre aches and pains. They were all average pregnancies, so I stopped bugging my dr. with questions about them. I certainly don’t blame you, though, for analyzing every twinge. I don’t think there’s anything we can say or do to help.
Keep resting. Keep writing. You’re in my thoughts every day.
Lindsay from Florida says:
Those pictures? Mesmerizingly beautiful. You and Binky look stunning.
AmazingGreis says:
Absolutely BEAUTIFUL!!! Continuing to pray for you and Binky and keeping my thoughts in your corner for all the extra inside time Binky can get!!! XOXO
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..From my family to yours… =-.
Molly says:
As the fellow mom of a preemie who now has asthma and is pneumonia-prone, I can so relate to your feelings of your body failing them. You are strong. Hang in there.
Kellee says:
Oh so so pretty. You are doing wonderfully, my dear. *Hug belly*
.-= Kellee´s last blog ..It Is Not Only Fine Feathers That Make Fine Birds =-.
MelissaG says:
You are beautiful….inside and out. That little baby is truly blessed as your dear Maddie is. I say a prayer for you and hope that it can be felt in some way.
Kristin says:
I love those photos. LOVE them.
Love you.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house we go =-.
Erin says:
It’s so amazing to see the cautious hope in your last few posts. For those of us who only know you through your blog, we stand in awe.
seriously. what a brave, brave momma you are.
Tara says:
You have one of the most beautiful pregnant bellies I’ve ever seen.
I totally get the worry. I lost my first pregnancy when I was 17 weeks along due to an incompetent cervix. My body had failed me and my baby. I still feel guilty about it.
When I got pregnant again I was nervous through the whole thing. Even after they had stitched my cervix up. I just knew that modern medicine knew nothing and that my cervix would burst through that stitch. It didn’t happen and I ended up with a perfect and healthy little boy. Even after a successful pregnancy, it didn’t make me any less nervous with my next one. I worried about every twinge and like the first listened to my baby’s heartbeat every night with a doppler. (Well not in the last few weeks, because man were my babies never still. I knew they were fine.) Again, I got a perfect and healthy little baby. A girl.
Trust your doctors and even though it’s pointless to say because it won’t happen, don’t worry so much. Try hard to cherish all the good things about this pregnancy. I know it’s impossible to not compare pregnancies, but know that this one isn’t the same.
I, like everyone else who knows you, am praying for you, Binky, Mike and Rigby.
C says:
I feel your pain on the “what the HEEELLLL is wrong with my body” front. I have morning (allday.) sickness even now at almost 34 weeks. Started at 6 weeks and while zofran helps, it doesn’t always. The gestational diabetes just reared it’s head two weeks ago. Seems so contradictory doesn’t it? I can’t actually eat a lot, haven’t gained a ton of weight, AND now I have to go on a diet? How is this baby going to get FOOD??? The preterm labor started at 27 weeks…and we’re now “watching” the small amounts of protein in my urine. We did IVF for 3 years before this baby…I’ll go through virtually anything to bring home a healthy kid. But wow. I’d give anything to really ENJOY pregnancy.
At least I finally got to send home the contraction monitor, lol. And if things are ok, this weekend I can LEAVE.THE.HOUSE!! Probably only for a bit, but it’s going to feel good I think.
The pictures are beautiful I haven’t really gotten up and taken many, (which is bad because I’m a photographer). You’ve inspired me to take a few today.
mandie says:
Look at your pretty belly!
Well put, as usual. Though our experiences are very different, and mine seem silly and insignificant in comparison to the loss of your sweet Maddie, I’ve certainly felt that struggle to trust in my body after it failed me in cruel ways. Even now at 31 weeks, it’s an everyday struggle to believe it will get this right. Our first two babies were lost past the “safe point” of seeing a heartbeat, and I still haven’t shaken the feeling that it was MY fault, my body’s ultimate failure in destroying something that comes so easily to so many others. And now after two bouts of GD …. let’s just say I’ve pretty much lost the faith in my body to do this right. I’ve always wanted 3 children, but at this point, I just hope this second one comes out safe and sound so I can put pregnancy behind me once and for all.
Sorry, went off on a tangent there! Just know you’re not alone, your feelings are so understandable, and that you’ve got *so* many people pulling for you and Binky.
.-= mandie´s last blog ..week in review =-.
Jess says:
I love those pictures. Especially the middle one.
christine says:
Wow. It looks like you deleted my comment. I am so sorry if I said something that offended, please know that wasn’t my attention.
Heather says:
your comment is there, Christine!
Issa says:
Those are beautiful pictures Heather. You are so brave. Every day, I am in awe of your bravery. Truly.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..Taking a break =-.
Della says:
I hate coming here late because everyone has already said it before I can. You ARE amazingly brave. You’re stronger and more determined than so many people.
You can know this time that if Binky comes early (no binky! sit! stay!!), that the extra weeks you gained were 100% due to your determination, your strength, your love for her. And if it doesn’t have to come to that, I hope you will still really, truly realize that and believe it. You’ve been amazing for her, and it’s making all the difference.
Michelle Pixie says:
Beautifu Baby Bump! Great Captures!!
You ae amazingly strong!
.-= Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..Not Me =-.
Lisa from WV says:
Simply breathtaking photos.
Thoughts & Prayers,
Lisa
Kim says:
Absolutely. You are looking forward and that is good and okay. You look amazing woman. I love you.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..7 =-.
Just Jiff says:
I delivered my daughter 7 weeks early and I apologized to her in the NICU everyday too.
The only positive I could muster out of all of it was that I didn’t get all swollen and sore like most of my friends did when they were in their last couple of weeks at term. And I got to go home and sleep (on my tummy!) for a while before bringing my daughter home.
I think it’s probably pretty normal to feel all of the guilt and fear that you’re feeling, so don’t beat yourself up over feeling that way. You have been through a very traumatic time and then add in pregnancy hormones… what a mix!
On top of all that… your belly has NO STRETCH MARKS!!! Can I say that I am very jealous of you?
.-= Just Jiff´s last blog ..Giveaway. =-.
Marisol says:
BEAUTIFUL pictures, wonderful writing, hope everything is as good as it can be. You deserve it!
.-= Marisol´s last blog ..Life’s Timelines =-.
Tara. says:
Such a beautiful belly!
Yes, it’s OK to look at the light. I’m so overjoyed that Binky is safe and sound in there. The last few weeks are tough as far as being uncomfortable, but it’s such an amazing transformation. I loved how you said, “I carry her with me wherever I go”. Beautiful. You’re not alone. She is there for you already.
I have a preemie and I completely understand that guilt. You do blame yourself for it all happening. But the truth is, we don’t really know why some babies skate through pregnancy easily and why some don’t. Why some Mom’s have medical issues and some don’t. Having a lot of guilt is a “Mom thing” that starts from the moment that pee stick turns ++.
Continue resting and take it easy!
.-= Tara.´s last blog ..It’s Over. =-.
Julie says:
Love the pictures! I do the heart with my hands on my belly with each of my pregnancies too! Such a precious photo.
Since we are due at the same time and both have GD, I’m with you, uncomfortable but so thankful! Hang in there, we are almost at the finish line!
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
Your belly is BEAUTIFUL.
.-= Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..I’m not 12. I swear. I just act that way. I blame my sister. =-.
Rachael says:
What a beautiful belly! You deserve to enjoy this!
Glenda says:
Heather, Beautiful pictures… beautiful belly! Try to enjoy the next 9 wks. Mother’s always blame themselves…it’s our maternal instinct. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Sending you and Binky hugs! Stay strong and enjoy the flutters! XXXX
noelle says:
Binky in your belly and Maddie in your heart…you are completely filled with love. Remember that and let it carry you forward through the fear.
The photos are absolutely beautiful.
Krystle says:
What beautiful pictures! Great momentos for the future!
.-= Krystle´s last blog ..Remember When….Supposed to be Friday’s, but apparently now Monday’s…Ayven as Santa… =-.
Jess says:
Beautiful pictures, I was wondering when we would get to see some belly shots!
I have a friend who is an L&D nurse and she has told me about delaying the cutting of the cord. I had never heard about this trend before, she said “there’s even a Facebook group about it!!” (but what DOESN’T have a FB group now…)
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?profile&id=1262520566#/delayedcordclamping?ref=nf
Just something I wanted to pass on, not saying it is something you should do, just some info I though you may like seeing.
Liz B. says:
I haven’t commented in a while, but I just wanted to let you know that I check in with you every day, and I’m cheering you on every day, knowing that each morning’s new blog post about one more day that you’ve carried Binky is a victory.
Cheering you on . . .
Katrina says:
What beautiful belly pics! You are doing an amazing job, Heather. I’m glad to read you are enjoying all the kicks and stretches that Binky is giving you
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Family Christmas Photo — 2009 =-.
Danielle says:
I lOVE the pictures. You look amazing.
.-= Danielle´s last blog ..Dear Lil Sis, YES YOU! =-.
chatty cricket says:
Oh Maddie in the last picture! I love.
You are doing an amazing job, glorious even.
binkytowne says:
Sweet Heather, be kind to yourself, always. You have been so brave and strong and devoted. You deserve, at least, that.
.-= binkytowne´s last blog ..Best Moment At Work #best09 =-.
Lia in Florida says:
beautiful pictures, you are beautiful!
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
((hugs)))
beautiful photos, especially the last one with the flares-I can’t help but think its maddie having a photo with her sister.
xo
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Our wish to you…. =-.
Candice says:
What a beautiful belly. Just take it one day at a time, and absolutely enjoy thinking about the prize in the end!
.-= Candice´s last blog ..Found a House! =-.
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
Focus on the light, you’re so close.
You have never failed Madeline. You and Mike both – are two of the most extraordinary parents I’ve ever seen.
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..Why =-.
Shannon Kieta says:
Awwww Heather. Your belly images are sooo cute! She is getting BIG! Wow and you still got 2 months to go! STay put Binky! I said so! Relax and enjoy the Holidays, then after that…get ready fro sleepless nights, poopie pants, puke, and STRESS! Bring it on you say? Hell yeah! It will be a happy ending! ANy names yet? How about Shannon Spohr? Kidding!!!!
Melanie B says:
that is one cute baby belly! and yes, I’m serious!
.-= Melanie B´s last blog ..Neige $100 Gift Card GUEST GIVEAWAY!!!! =-.
Tina says:
Love the pictures
Keep your eyes on the prize and know you did, and do everything for your children.
Your an amazing mother !!!
Prayers always…..
Michele says:
great pics. I remember the “unchartered territory” feeling, as well as the constant apologizing. Heck, I still apologize every day to them.
.-= Michele´s last blog ..Happy Birthday, Jimmy =-.
Alison says:
Love. Love. Love.
xoxo
.-= Alison´s last blog ..100th Post and I’m a Winner! =-.
missy says:
You still have the most beautiful Binky bump. And enjoy those last weeks while she is safe and sound inside. Because she will soon be here and quiet moments will be harder to come by. Love to you and Mike, Maddie and Rigby. How is Rigby feeling? Stay well!
Joy says:
Law of attraction – talk to your body, tell it your fears and ask it to continue to do it’s precious job regardless.
So many people are rooting for you – try and relax into that a little.
xo
.-= Joy´s last blog ..Santa Baby. =-.
kay says:
Maddie had plans far beyond what any of us can probably understand. She came early & I believe there was a reason behind it, that extends into a supernatural place that is useless to try & understand. Maddie was just… never of this world, really. She was of another place entirely. Her presence is still so strongly felt by hundreds (thousands?) and her energy well lives on within you, your husband, and Binky.
You have some so far. Allow yourself to feel what you need/want to feel – no emotions are essentially right or wrong. Be scared if you need to be. Cry if you want. Give yourself permission to think of the future, a full-term baby possibly in your arms, with no real complications. Daydream a little.
I don’t know what all Maddie’s purposes were, but I know that protecting Binky was probably one of them, and in photos and posts, it as if I always feel her looking after you and Binky, a true big sister through & through.
Best wishes.
.-= kay´s last blog ..Christmas Present Buying =-.
Leslie says:
You are so beautify Heather, inside and out!
Expat Mom says:
I never had a preemie, but I lost three babies before my first son made it. When I found out I was pregnant with him, I was terrified the whole time. Every cramp, every spotting episode, freaked me out, even once I’d passed the point where I’d lost the others. To help myself stay focused on the end goal, I bought a pair of baby socks and put them on the nightstand where I could see them as I fell asleep and when I woke up, trusting that there would soon be real little feet to fill them out. And the little guy surprised us all (I had a split uterus, so he was supposed to be born at 6 months or so) and stayed in an extra month! Hang in there. You’ve come very far and I know Maddie would be thrilled that her baby sis is getting a better start than she did and she wouldn’t be jealous, because you did your very best for both of them.
.-= Expat Mom´s last blog ..The Birthday Boy =-.
Jen L. says:
Absolutely beautiful photos, especially the last one. When I saw it, I though “well there’s Maddie looking in on Binky!” You and Mike are wonderful parents. You are an amazing mom and an amazing woman. Soon you’ll have your sweet Binky girl in your arms. Keep taking care of both of you. As always, you’re in my prayers.
.-= Jen L.´s last blog ..I’m coming back, I promise =-.
Mama says:
Your posts move me daily, but even more today. So I wrote about you:
http://theelmowallpaper.blogspot.com/2009/12/body-of-mother.html
Deb Hauer says:
AWESOME! You are an awesome mom and have an awesome daddy for Binky and Maddie. I hear how much your heart hurts but I myself have not felt that pain. I pray for you every day after reading your blog. I pray for Maddie, I pray for Binky, I pray for Mike and I pray for you. I pray that you don’t ever forget Maddie, as we all know you won’t, but that your heart feels less pain. You are very dedicated to your daughters and that is an absolute awesome thing to see these days. Keep on sitting as soon Binky won’t allow you to!
Suzie says:
Heather, Oh my gosh…I am in awe of the pictures! They are beautiful and I noticed a purple little light in the last picture and I have chills! Your precious Maddie is surrounding you with love and comfort! Love, Love, Love that!! You are doing a wonderful job on carrying your victory baby and we send you cyber hugs from Iowa!
Devon says:
Oh Heather, your almost there. Hang in there. Your a great Mom!
Laura says:
I have to ask~ who took these amazing photographs of you?? They are breathtaking! I can seriously *feel* how much you adore your second daughter, just by looking at them.
((Hugs))
Heather says:
Hi Laura,
I set up the shot and put the camera on my tripod, and then my husband released the shutter. Thank you!
Claudia says:
You never failed Maddie in any way. Maddie received more love and fighting spirit from you and Mike in 17 months than some children receive from their parents in a lifetime. I don’t know why Maddie didn’t get to live the full life she deserved – we live in a terrible world sometimes – but it was not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
amy says:
My thoughts exactly..
What gorgeous pictures of your glorious Binky Belly! I am so excited to ‘meet’ her but even more so for you two to have another sweet baby to love
She will never replace Madeline but I think will do wonders for you both. Neither of you will be able to resist her and she will keep your minds and hearts active during this very awful time. Binky is such a blessing. You both seem like such loving and giving parents, I am sure I am not the only one looking forward to Binky shining a light in your lives. BIG TIME!
Hugs to you both.
Rebekah says:
What a beautiful belly! I, too, am a preemie mom. I made it to 32 weeks with my 1st son and 37 weeks with my 2nd son (started labor at 29 weeks with both). Those last 5 weeks during my 2nd pregnancy were surreal…and very scary. Every day I praised God that he was still inside, growing. Having a baby after having a preemie has its own set of worries. For me, I was worried not only that my body would fail me again, but…what if it didn’t? What if we made it full term? Yes, it was my goal, but I had no idea how to take care of a newborn baby. What if I screwed it up? In the end, I had my full term baby…to the day. He was 37 weeks, no more, no less. Healthy and beautiful…and I found out that I *could* take care of him all by myself at home.
Wishing you the best with this new little one. My prayers are with you as you get closer and closer to your full term goal.
Love,
Rebekah
Melissa says:
Your belly is beautiful!
I can relate to somewhat of what you were saying. I have 25 week preemies who are now 2 and I still carry the guilt of not being able to carry them further. They had such a horrible start, it is really hard to get past even though I was told over and over it wasn’t my fault.
I am so happy that you are on your way to having a full term baby and so sad Maddies isn’t here to share in the joy.
Hang in there! You are doing great!
cindy w says:
Love those belly shots. You are one of the bravest people I know, for so many reasons. xoxo
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..one thousand =-.
Becky Mochaface says:
Beautiful pictures, just breathtaking
.-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Tuesday Trivia: Geography =-.
Susannah Edwards says:
heather, you are almost there! you are doing great!
xoxo
Rebecca says:
So glad you shared your belly photos. They are beautiful!
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t say a prayer for you and Binky and Mike. You’ll stay in my prayers for a long long time too.
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..You Let Your Kids Have….What??!! =-.
Dagmar Bleasdale says:
Those pictures are beautiful! I hope all goes well and that you will have an easy delivery! Please don’t feel guilty — it takes away the space for positive thoughts.
.-= Dagmar Bleasdale´s last blog ..Blogging Mom Shellie Loses Little Son to Drowning =-.
Lindsay says:
Just want you to know that in the mental struggle during a pregnancy after preemie, you are not alone. I can truly empathize with those particular feelings right now. I still feel awful that my body failed my daughter at only 27 weeks and that she had to suffer a horrible start in life in order for her little brother-to-be to get chance at a good start.
I have great faith that your little Binky will be a wonderful full-term kiddo.
.-= Lindsay´s last blog ..Feeling Like a Crappy Mommy =-.
Becky says:
31 Weeks! Woo-HOO! Binky is doing great!
I’ve experienced nothing like the beautiful yet tragic story that is Maddie’s, but after having a 32-week preemie, I’m now pregnant again, and I’m holding my breath till January 15th when this little girl will pass her brother’s gestational age in the womb.
As many contractions as I’m having now . . . . well, I’m still hopeful that she will just hang in there at least that long.
I read your blog every day. And I pray for Binky and for you. Hang in there!
.-= Becky´s last blog ..Everyone’s Busy, Right?! =-.
charlene says:
beautiful belly…
Jenny, Bloggess says:
Beautiful. My stomach was a mass of bruises from bad injections around that time. You’ve got the touch, my friend.
.-= Jenny, Bloggess´s last blog ..Canadian money is pretty much useless =-.
Kristi says:
Saw the orb(s) and it gave me chills, and I immediately whispered “Madeline. She’s right there.” And she is…even though we all “know” it, it’s beautiful to see it. Never ever believed orbs are a speck of dust or whatnot, and that picture proves it.
Love and continued prayers for all of you!
eliza says:
Heather-
You. Write. Brilliantly.
The purple flare is crazy! I don’t believe in super natural stuff or religion of any kind, but Maddie makes me wonder…You getting pg so fast, the little heart (i think it was a heart) on one of the first ultrasounds. This little orb. Strangely beautiful stuff.
I don’t know that this helps, well hell none of us know what helps we just keep talking to you, but things are going to naturally sort themselves out a little bit when Bink gets here. I mean the conflict and the guilt, etc. Some of us feel these strange conflicted emotions about second children anyway when there is no loss or anything comparable to what you’ve faced. The beauty and purity of that new life and that little face just somehow fixes things that seem unfixable. I don’t mean Binky will fix your broken heart over Maddie’s loss. Nothing is going to erase the sorrow of your loss, the memory of Maddie, or Maddie’s presence in your life. But I think all the conflicting emotions will start to gel in your heart and brain in a way that they can’t right now. Hang on. You’re almost there.
And please talk to your doctor about watching you carefully for post partum. It seems to me that you will be ripe for a good walloping (I don’t know if this is a word?) of emotion right at first. You will have a newborn on the anniv of Maddie’s passing. I worry about you. Diving hormones are dreadful enough without the pre existing stuff you’ve got going on. Man am I nosy or what! Just concerned. You are so traumatized and still healing (Does it ever stop?). I don’t want the hormones after pregnancy to take you down.
Ashley says:
Beautiful Photos!
.-= Ashley´s last blog ..Christmas Giveaway #3 – It’s a Mystery to Me! =-.
Dawn says:
Beautiful photos!
I LOVED my prego belly pics!
You are right, there is NOTHING like feeling your baby move inside you.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..As seen on TV =-.
Haley says:
Love the photos.
When I had Jackson 6 weeks early and he had to stay in the NICU because he didn’t have enough surfactant in his lungs…I felt major guilt.
I had been very active with cleaning my house and nesting the day my water broke…and I felt so sad…believing that if I had been taking it easy he would not have to be laying under a UV light and hooked up with lots of tubes in the NICU.
I felt so guilty in fact…that I never completely explained what happened in my Birth Story on my blog…even though my doctor told me that my cervix had just become very soft and open due to other factors…I just didn’t want to believe it.
Prayers for a safe healthy term delivery for you and Binky.
.-= Haley´s last blog ..Hustle and Bustle =-.
Michele Wallace says:
Beautiful belly shot – naturally so you are paranoid about things, and afraid to let your guard down. I am so happy everything is going well for you and you are over 30 weeks now. I know you don’t know me but I do think of you often and am so so happy that you are having another little baby girl!
Hang in there. I love reading your blog.
Just a fan says:
trust is a funny thing. you have to trust enough in yourself to let go a little of the fear. maybe i have that all wrong. you have no idea what strength you possess. maybe you do. somewhere in there, you know. i don’t know a moment of how life has defined a world where you could lose something so precious. and while my short-understanding limits my ability to truly sympathize with where you stand, i feel absolute in saying that you never failed. not once. your body never failed. you still remain a supremely divine vessel. you (with help, of course) gave the world Maddie. to this day, she is so much for so many people who never new the cadance of her laughter. YOU are so much for so many whose faces you’ll never see. it is unquestionably unfair that she is not here. it was too soon and absolutely unjust. never the less, so many people have been made the better because she arrived. however that was, whenever that was. and that will never go down as a failure.
ugh. one day i’ll say it right. until then, know that there are so many of us out there trying to say just the right thing to bring a little ray of sunshine to that dark side of the moon, where your thoughts fall away.
the last photo…it takes my breath away….
sweet dreams, dear one.
Vanessa Jordan says:
oh my goodness, no one, and I mean no one has rivaled my baby belly until NOW!!!! I can’t believe you just upped me miss Heather, I was so proud of that belly, when I was admitted to have Raina, they were inducing labor, the nurses were prepping me and one said to the other, oh look at this I hate these women with long torso’s, look not one stretch mark, she will have this baby and walk out of here with a flat belly and no stretch marks, tehe, and I did!!! It rocks to have a prefect baby belly and you do, I keep you in my thoughts daily, I never go one day without thinking how you are? wondering if your ok? wondering how Binky is doing? Thanks for the updates I know your getting to where your not going to feel like it now, but you don’t know what they mean to us all, you and your amazing family, that I have feel in love with through the words in these blogs, who knew the true power of words!!!! Keep your head held high you so have earned it!!!! Binks hug mom, you are getting such awesome parents and who could ask for more than the sweet, beautiful Maddie for a big sis!!!! you are a blessed little baby!!! take care all!!! strength to you and virtual hugs whenever you need them!!! We all care so much you will never know!!! I do believe that she is always with you no matter what, she will be there, some things we just cannot understand, maybe we weren’t meant to, I wish I could make it perfect, I really do!!!
.-= Vanessa Jordan´s last blog ..Hello world! =-.
dysfunctional mom says:
Breathtakingly beautiful pictures.
Debby says:
I agree, it’s okay to see the light at the end of this tunnel. She is coming and all will be well.
Just rest and relax. God Bless.
.-= Debby´s last blog ..Every time a bell rings, an angel gets it’s wings…. =-.
Tricia says:
Look at that beautiful belly!
Kacie says:
I’ve never commented, though I’ve been reading for a long time. You seem swamped with plenty of people loving on you via comments! I just wanted to share this with you in case no one else has: http://www.tangle.com/stevencurtischapman
That’s a new cd put out by a singer that last his daughter last year. The cd is filled with grief and hope – it’s heart-breakingly beautiful but also difficult to listen to. I know you’ll relate… you should listen to “Cinderella” and “heaven is the face”
Andrea @ MommySnacks.net says:
You are have the perfect belly – perfect to carry this lil’ binky to be healthy. I have been praying since I heard the news of your pregnancy!! And, the only shoe that will be dropping are your shoes since you can’t bend over to put them on anymore and you have to drop them on the floor and kinda scoot in them. Or, maybe that was only me
And, I am with the others on the orb. As soon as I saw that picture, I gasp. I believe they are truly some sort of way our loved ones are talking to us. I have seen them in some of our pictures too after my dad’s passing. I know they were him and his way of saying he was still present.
{and 2nd on the “Heaven is the Face” song by Steven Curtis Chapman – beautiful song}
Ray says:
Beautiful pregnant belly. I love the second photo with your hands shaped into a heart. I will continue to pray for Binky’s safe arrival and for you to have some peace of mind.
Trish says:
The pictures are beautiful.
The guilt is insidious. I cried in the NICU so many times, apologizing every time something happened, whether it was a heel prick or just being woken to roll over when he’d looked so comfortable.
It doesn’t eat at me as much any more, but sometimes I get so angry. A few weeks ago he had a very mild cold, which of course lead to wheezing. He was crying in the middle of the night, clearly uncomfortable and I just had this white-hot flash of anger. IF MY BODY HADN’T FAILED HIM, HE”D BE SLEEPING PEACEFULLY RIGHT NOW.
The intensity of the thought actually surprised me. I’d thought I was over it. Obviously not.
When I read your words, I immediately nodded, then started to cry- for all of us.
It’s not fair.. to have to rely on a body who has let us down so much before.
Praying that this time it regains a bit of your trust.
.-= Trish´s last blog ..December pictures =-.
Julie Levenhagen says:
I just stumbled upon your blog. Yours is a heartbreaking story, yet full of hope. My son was a 28 week preemie with a 6 month NICU stay and 1.5 years with a trach. I think your foundation is an amazing way to honor your beautiful little girl’s memory. I also had extreme guilt about having my son prematurely, and every day I held him until his due date, I would think “I should still be protecting you”.
Congratulations on Binky and reaching 31 weeks. I always think making it to 35 weeks would be a huge accomplishment, although full-term would be ideal, of course :). May the rest of your pregnancy be boring and uneventful…resulting in a beautiful, healthy baby!
Al_Pal says:
Beautiful photos.
Best wishes with the rest of your pregnancy!
*sending peaceful, relaxing vibes*