Binky is doing great. Plenty of amniotic fluid and excellent growth. She is actually measuring ahead of schedule, just like her sister always did. It was a very short visit with an even shorter ultrasound. The time in the waiting room was ten times longer than the time in the exam room. I am not doing as well as Binky.

I am a life-long control freak. It’s something I freely admit. As an adult, I tried to limit my controlling ways to the things that just effected me, and I’d like to hope I succeeded the majority of the time (even though I probably didn’t and my husband is probably snickering).

When you become a parent you learn quickly that you control very little. Sure, you can go about trying. You set schedules and make plans and try to adhere to them. But you’re never really running the show. Yet, you convince yourself you’re doing a good job of having a handle on things. And then your child gets sick and passes away.

It’s hard for a control freak to admit that, really, you have control of absolutely nothing.

In my new life I am keenly aware of my complete lack of control. And I hate it. I don’t trust my gut anymore, because on the morning of April 7th my gut told me Maddie was getting better. I constantly wonder if I am doing the right thing at any given moment. I wonder if anything I do makes a difference. I did everything I was supposed to do with Maddie and she still died. I doubt my decisions, I doubt the information I’m given. I can’t even fake it anymore. When I lost the appearance of control, I lost confidence. I hate that I have no confidence in anything.

Including myself.