Binky is doing great. Plenty of amniotic fluid and excellent growth. She is actually measuring ahead of schedule, just like her sister always did. It was a very short visit with an even shorter ultrasound. The time in the waiting room was ten times longer than the time in the exam room. I am not doing as well as Binky.
I am a life-long control freak. It’s something I freely admit. As an adult, I tried to limit my controlling ways to the things that just effected me, and I’d like to hope I succeeded the majority of the time (even though I probably didn’t and my husband is probably snickering).
When you become a parent you learn quickly that you control very little. Sure, you can go about trying. You set schedules and make plans and try to adhere to them. But you’re never really running the show. Yet, you convince yourself you’re doing a good job of having a handle on things. And then your child gets sick and passes away.
It’s hard for a control freak to admit that, really, you have control of absolutely nothing.
In my new life I am keenly aware of my complete lack of control. And I hate it. I don’t trust my gut anymore, because on the morning of April 7th my gut told me Maddie was getting better. I constantly wonder if I am doing the right thing at any given moment. I wonder if anything I do makes a difference. I did everything I was supposed to do with Maddie and she still died. I doubt my decisions, I doubt the information I’m given. I can’t even fake it anymore. When I lost the appearance of control, I lost confidence. I hate that I have no confidence in anything.
Including myself.
Anne Y says:
I am glad to hear everything is well with Binky. Hang in there and remember to take everything one day at a time.
.-= Anne Y´s last blog ..The Statistics =-.
Krystal says:
Love has no controle either, thats why it is such a great thing!
Steph says:
I am glad to hear that all is well with Binky.
All mothers feel out of control. Sometimes we have to just have faith that we are doing what is best.
.-= Steph´s last blog ..BlogWorld 2009… The Musical =-.
Lauren @ MOMMYISROCKNROLL says:
You’re absolutely right! My mom always told me that our children will be who they are in spite of how we raise them. As parents we have very little control. And it’s kinda neat.
Silvana says:
I felt like that after i miscarried. I nearly lost my faith in God and definitely lost my confidence in hearing Him. I didn’t trust myself anymore, but slowly after many situations of not going with my gut, and finding out i should of, I’m starting to listen again and believe.
Not 100 percent there yet but getting there non the less
Jen says:
It is going to take time to relearn to trust yourself and rebuild those confidences. Please believe me when I say that. My world was torn apart ten years ago and I am still trying to put it back together.
I know that it sounds much easier than it actually is but try not to doubt yourself. It’s not your fault that the universe sucks ass sometimes. Maybe the way to regaining even the teeniest ounce of control is to admit that you never had it to begin with, which means you have taken the first step.
Thinking of you, Mike, Rigby, Maddie, and Binky.
Bec says:
Yes, this.
All my love.
.-= Bec´s last blog ..I was gone =-.
Chrissie says:
(((((Hugs)))))))
Maria @BOREDmommy says:
I’m a total control freak and I’m still trying to come to terms with the fact that you really do lose all control when you have children. Its the hardest thing about being a parent – and it should be written in LARGE, BOLD lettering on the front page of every parenting book out there.
We don’t know each other, but from one mom to another, I wish only the best for you.
.-= Maria @BOREDmommy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Love Fall =-.
cj says:
yes, i couldn’t agree more. i think that we all only wish the best for you and your family, Heather. i’m sorry that your confidence has been shaken but please know that NO ONE could have been a better mother for Maddie than you.
Loralee says:
I read this before your email and I needed to tell you that I GET THIS.
I get you and these thoughts and this time and what you are trying to muck through.
I understand.
Not ‘perfectly’ as we and our lives are different but ‘absolutely’ like every mom in our shoes does.
I love you so dearly sweet friend.
I’m hoping to get down in your area next month so I can hug you in person.
xoxoxo
Always here if you need me sweetie.
.-= Loralee´s last blog ..It’s never too late for civility =-.
catherine lucas says:
How could you not have lost confidence in life after such a trick they played with you… You hopefully will gain confidence again after Binky is born and when she will be in your arms and smiling at you…
.-= catherine lucas´s last blog ..Venturing… =-.
Leigh says:
You’re a great mother who was dealt the worst hand of hand of cards imaginable.
That’s the fault of an uncaring universe – it’s not you. It felt out of control because it WAS out of your control. There was nothing you could do.
It doens’t mean you’re not a great mum; and you will be the best possible person in the universe to help Binky navigate her way through life, partly (sadly)because of what you’ve been through. (I’m sorry if any of this sounds callous, it’s in no way meant to be).
Kate@UpsideBackwards says:
Hugs! May your confidence grow as strongly as Binky is growing, and may you have little cause to lose it again. Parenthood is a life of constantly second-guessing yourself and crossing fingers hoping that you have done the right thing (at least, that’s how it is for me!). Confidence is an elusive gift, one that comes and goes in my experience. Take heart! *We* all know you’re a wonderful mum, and you will know it again soon too.
.-= Kate@UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..Not as exciting as we’d hoped =-.
Meg...CT says:
I have confidence in you until yours returns…you can do it..you are doing it. You and Binky are healthy. You are doing the right thing. You always have. Some circumstances are beyond our control…frustrating to be sure.
You are a wonderful mother to both your girls.
Peace.
Sally says:
Yep, I learnt these hard lessons of control (or lack thereof) with you. I also have no idea how to trust myself or my instincts anymore as my trust in myself has been shaken to the core. Losing a child will do that to anyone.
You’re such an inspirational mother though, Heather. Please know that. I can’t fully grasp what you’ve been through, but I learn a lot reading here.
.-= Sally´s last blog ..George, made with love =-.
JustAMom says:
Right there with you sister. Although its TOTALLT different, and I’d never begin to imply my pain is one one millionth of what your is, I get the self doubt. I am in the midst of a horrible custody battle and in the last two years have lost everything I worked so hard the previous 20 years to build. All because I fell in love with a psychopath. And the worst part is, before I became pregnant with my daughter, I thought I was the luckiest woman on the planet. He was sooo great, other women envied me. My pont is, his true colors came out and he continues to make my life absolute hell, and I think WTF?? How could I have been SO wrong? Why didn’t my gut tell me??? I’ve been a strong successful person my whole life. Now, I don’t trust myself at all and I hate it. I used to have total confidence in myself and didn’t give a damn what others thought. Now I question everything. All your life you hear “you are responsible for your life. You are responsible for your happiness”. From magazines, therapists, your parents, many religions, etc….” -ve always believed that and like you, always been a bit of a control freak, so that I could be responsible for things in my life. But damn….. Sometime SHIT happens that is so unfair, (in your case a million times worse than mine) so NOT our responsibility…..and it just blows. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense…. I’m on my blackberry, battling a cold and insomnia, and obviously a little po’ed myself. :-). At least I have your blog to help with the insomnia part. Anyway – my main point is I GET IT
Jenn says:
OOhhh Sweetie,
That makes sense but I bet with Binky as the time passes, slowly but surely your confidence will grow again but always remember…on the days it doesn’t seem to be growing as fast as you would like, we are still All here for YOU. It will take some time but it will get better….YOU will get better Heather! You have already come so far! I am so profoundly PROUD of YOU!!!
As for April 7. well….maybe during the time you thought Maddie was doing better she really appeared to be but, you had no idea what was going on in her little body. It’s sounds like the dr’s didn’t even know until those last 3 hours either.
Life is cruel and unpredictable at times, unfortunately you learned that the hard way and for that honey….I am So Sorry! But just remember Heather…PLEASE be patient and kind with yourself Sweetheart and know, even on the days you cast yourself in a sea of self doubt and you just can’t seem to believe in yourself…..I’ll believe in you enough for the both of us because that’s what friends do….even “stranger friends”!
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
I can relate to your anguish. It’s so difficult to adapt to a world that we can’t control. Praying for you, Mike, and Binky.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Beware of spiders who carry luggage =-.
Kristen says:
Glad Binky is doing well, Heather. I can for say for certain you are making a difference. You inspire so many people and are helping soo many people. I am in awe. You are one strong person. One day at a time is what I can say
Kristen
NHScoutMom says:
I wish I had some magic words but… know you are loved out here… all 4 of you.
{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}
charlane says:
Heathe this will be great, and that you are doing a great job, and I believe that your confidence in you will grow with Binky. I know it is hard to take faith in the word of a stranger but I believe in you. My family and I (and I would be willing to bet the farm that this applies to all of your readers too) are rooting for you and sending prayers and thoughts your way.
.-= charlane´s last blog ..Gord and Me =-.
Kelly says:
Being a parent is the hardest job ever. I know that the control freak in me, has been squashed many times. Keeping you in my thoughts often.
Hazel says:
Heather, you are feeling vulnerable and scared because soon you will be placing your heart on the line again for Binky but you still have to trust in your inner strength, knowledge, and instinct! Its true that life is not controllable! Put your faith in God! He is in control. He arms us with what we need to care for our babies but some of us have more of it than others. Some of us embrace that role and take it more seriously. Heather, YOU clearly are one of the EXCEPTIONAL ones! The love and great care you gave to Maddie is evident in the numerous photos and videos that you took of her.
As far as making a difference, you spoke to Congress! You have inspired many people to give to the March of Dimes and even won an award. Also you shine a ray of light on the internet with your blog! I look forward to reading it and I feel inspired by the actual strength that you have! I know that you will do fine. Hang in there and trust in God!
Anna Marie Hinnant says:
I’m thrilled Binky is doing well. And Heather, I’m so sorry you are struggling. You and Mike were dealt an awful, unimaginable blow, but it does not change the fact that you are an amazing woman, an amazing mother, a person who is making a difference.
Hugs.
Alexandra :) says:
Thinking of you…
Neena says:
I’m glad Binky is doing well. And, it’s okay to struggle sometimes…with control and all the other stuff. I’m keeping you guys in my prayers.
.-= Neena´s last blog ..We’re in serious trouble if this is as good as it gets… =-.
Heather says:
I’m glad that Binky is doing well. I’m am praying for you and your family. ((((hugs))))
.-= Heather´s last blog ..a single leaf =-.
Heather says:
Heather,
I’m thrilled the Binky is doing well! YAY!
I can empathize with you over being a control freak. We adopted a baby and later found out he has lots of special needs. I worry constantly about things that parents shouldn’t worry about. And I can’t control them, and it has made my life not so much fun. I just wanted you to know that you have helped me so much…you really have.
and thank you.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Special Needs Marriage… =-.
lisa says:
i have no great words of comfort for you. just know someone is holding you and your husband in her prayers.
Jenny says:
I don’t know you personally but I cab tell by your blog and the astounding love and loyalty of your interwebs that you did the best you could. I don’t think your daughter ever doubted she was deeply loved. Take confidence in knowing that you are a good mother and, certainly, the best mother Maddie ever had.
Blessings to you and your family. I am so glad to hear that Binky continues to cook and grow so nicely. I hope you are feeling better.
Jen says:
It’s hard for us life-long control freaks to admit that we have none. It’s a scary place.
I’m so thrilled that Binky continues to do well. She’s a rockstar.
Praying for you…..
.-= Jen´s last blog ..order =-.
Krissa says:
Oh Heather. Our situations are so different, but I too am a lifelong control freak and I had something happen to me that took away all control, too. And I know what it’s like to feel out of control and doubt yourself and everything in the world and then some. Even though I know from different reasons, I can relate and I wish so much that there was something I could do or say that would relieve your mind and heart if only for a day. .. I am SO glad to hear Binky is well! That is wonderful news! Thinking of you extra today. Hugs to you and your family.
Krissa says:
I meant to also say thanks for introducing us to Melanie’s story. I hope all your readers sign the petition to help her.
Shannon Kieta says:
I know it takes alot out of you., but Maddie getting sick has nothing to do with you, or your instincts! You are a wonderful mother and you did take phenominal care of Maddie. I hope you see how I see it. Luv to you! Shannon
PB and Jazz says:
I am thinking and praying for you and Mike.
Elizabeth says:
Heather, I will never have the honor of meeting you and telling you this in person. You are truely amazing and you have changed many people’s lives forever. The pictures and videos of Maddie show what a great job you did as her mother. Just know that there are many people out there to help hold you up during your times of self doubt. So glad Binky is doing well! Thinking of you always.
LizardBreath says:
As you said, control as a parent is an illusion. You did and are doing the right thing. You are a strong, smart woman who is doing amazing things for other people by being willing to share your honest feelings and your life. Keep strong.
.-= LizardBreath´s last blog ..A fun weekend =-.
J says:
I am so glad Binky is well.
As another control freak, I can at least identify with the concept. It would be nice if there was a switch you could turn on and off: “Today, I don’t need to be a control freak! I’m flipping the switch to off!” It would be so much simpler, I think. There just isn’t. I try to focus on what I can control, however small and sad those things may seem.
Take care of you.
.-= J´s last blog ..I’m fine, thanks =-.
Kristin says:
Sending you love and hugs. So happy that Binky is doing well.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Let’s talk about money, shall we? =-.
melissa says:
I’m glad to hear that binky is doing well. I’m sorry that you are not. I’m a control freak as well, so I know the determination that comes with making everything run smoothly and right. While I don’t know you personally, I followed as you shared Maddie with us and I can say that although I had been a mother already for 7 years, I learned to admire all that you did for you and learned a thing or two as well. You did good. I hope you believe that. I know I’m not the only one who does.
Adventures In Babywearing says:
Oh, I can understand completely. That is motherhood, though. Always having that doubt in our mind that we have no idea what we’re doing and if it’s really the right thing. Just remember your intentions, and your heart. We are doing the best we can.
Steph
.-= Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..The Great Rescue! =-.
Mary says:
We blame ourselves; we think we could have done things differently; we go through the “if only I’d…” The reality? You did the best you could and the best you know how with all of it. Maddie’s loss was not because of you or anything that you did or didn’t do. Sometimes, as someone else said, the world just sucks ass. I know you know all this rationally but it’s the emotional part that beats us up. It’s hard, but have faith in yourself and what you’re doing. It sounds like you did a wonderful job caring for Maddie and definitely did a PHENOMENAL job in loving her. And you and Mike will do a phenomenal job in caring for and loving Binky.
I always thought the whole “stages of grief” thing was a load of crap. Until I went through it. So please, please PLEASE try not to beat yourself up. Love to your family.
Midwest Mommy says:
I will never forget what I was doing on April 7th when I heard the news. My mom has the moment JFK was shot forever in her memory and I will forever have the moment I heard the news Maddie had passed forever in my heart. I remember I was going to visit my parents that day and I happened to read your update on twitter right before I left. I thought about her while I was gone but thought she would be fine. She had always pulled through. I went out to an early dinner with my parents and on the way home we were in a car accident. The kids, myself and my parents spent many hours in the ER before being discharged. I came home finally around 11:30 and for some reason I wanted to just check before I went to bed. That’s when I saw and I screamed out “oh god not Maddie” My husband looked at me like I was crazy and asked me who Maddie was. My heart broke into a million pieces that night for you.
You are a great mom. You did what any one of us would have done. That is what is so scary and heartbreaking about all of this and why I think it effects me. In a way I feel like I lost some of my confidence too because I still can’t believe it happened. You did everything you were suppose to do. It easily could have been any one of us and that scares me.
.-= Midwest Mommy´s last blog ..Lesson Learned (hopefully) =-.
Katherine says:
That’s so hard. Well, your gut was probably right and she WAS doing better. Sometimes things just suddenly take a turn for the worse and it sucks.
I seem to remember reading something to the effect of “you can’t control what happens; you can control how you respond to it.” I am amazed at how you and Mike have responded.
I hope things start feeling less scary…
Overflowing Brain (Katie) says:
I have confidence in you.
We all do.
Lisa says:
I’m so glad to hear that Binky is doing well.
I hope with time you gain your confidence back and that little bit of control that we parents have. As parents we don’t have a lot of control, I think we learn that pretty quickly. However, having confidence in ourselves can make handling that lack of control a little easier. As time goes by, especially once Binky is here happy and healthy I’m sure you’ll slowly gain back that confidence you once had.
Love and hugs.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Staying Safe on Halloween =-.
suzanne says:
You are correct that you did everything right. Your story has taught me that most people, including me, enjoy a delusion that if we follow certain rules, things will go a certain way. You know more than we do about the reality of life — that it is fragile and deeply unfair. But I hope and very much believe that, despite this terrible knowledge, you will regain your footing and carry on as the wonderful mother you know you are. You know that, right? You are wonderful.
Heather says:
It’s great to hear that Binky is doing well!
I can understand what you are saying about thinking you have control but in reailty, you don’t. What happened to Maddie has scared me too, and each and every day you hear or someone else living the tragedy of losing their child. Two months ago we burried my baby cousin who was 3, and killed in a car accident. My Aunt and Uncle are not doing well at all, understandably so, because in one flash of a second they lost control and lost their daughter.
You are not alone, and you are WAY TOO hard on yourself. You radiate honestly, strength, and compassion. Give yourself a break and keep picking yourself up one piece at a time. You have a TON of fans, and we all have confidence in you!
.-= Heather´s last blog ..KID car. =-.
Tammy says:
Lucky for you, your cyber-friends have tons of confidence in you! We know your heart because you pour it out to us. It’s a beautiful, beautiful, honest, heartbreaking, heart. You may not control anything, but you are pretty amazing and that inspires great confidence in you as a person and as a mother. You’ll get your confidence back.
Elizabeth says:
Once again, I find it hard to find the perfect words. I too am a huge control freak and it is completely true that you lose that control with kids. I know it is nothing near the same, but I feel like I lost the most control both times my daughter had her severe allergic reactions when she was only a few months old. But I want you to know that I have total confidence in you and I think both Maddie and Binky are soooo lucky that they have you as a mommy.
Andrea says:
I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now. I think as parents we think we can control what happens to our kids. For the most party anyways. We think can keep them safe and well, but when something terrible happens all of that is shattered. You will regain your confidence. You are a wonderful mother and even though I don’t know you personally you happen to be one of the strongest people I have come across. To go what you have gone through and still be able to function is amazing in itself. I try to imagine what you are going through and I honestly think I would just lay down and die right along with my son if something happened to him. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I look forward to reading your blog every morning :).
Hugs from Oklahoma!
Andrea
.-= Andrea´s last blog ..Blond no more!! =-.
amanda says:
You WILL get your confidence back in time, but you are so right – none of us really have control. You are the best mom, and I think about you sometimes when I am not taking the time to enjoy the moments in my life that deserve more attention than they get.
xo from CT,
Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..alright, stop. collaborate and listen. =-.
Tina says:
Don’t lose confidence, you said it yourself ” you did everything you could to save maddie”.
God has a plan and you, Maddie, Mike, and Binky are a HUGE part of it.
Tina says:
From one control freak to another, I get it. I really learned that I wasn’t in control when I got pregnant. I had no control over my uterus and I HATED it. No matter how much I tried to calm it down, the ol’ uterus just wouldn’t stop contracting. The anxiety that I had when I lost control was tremendous. When my son was born and he had colic, the out of control/anxiety feelings came back full force. I will always struggle with this. I have gone to plenty of therapy and I am *learning* how to let go, although sometimes it feels impossible. Being out of control is a terrible feeling and I hate that you are suffering the effects of it. You deserve to be happy Heather, you will get there one day. love you
Ninabi says:
Looking back on some awful events of my life with great regret, a kind relative reminded me,
You did your best based on the information you had available at the time.
And you are doing the same. You are doing your very best to care for Binky. You found better medical care by learning you had a clotting disorder. And you are doing your very best, just as you always have as a parent with both your children.
I’m glad to hear you re’d good news. One tip I was given when fearing the worst- for every “bad news” scenario playing out in my head, I was to imagine two amazingly happy outcomes, to try and train my thoughts on the positive.
cindy w says:
This is one of the reasons I hated being pregnant, because I was no longer in charge of what happened to my body. I imagine it’s a thousand times worse in your case, but yeah, I totally get what you’re saying.
I hope that when you have that fat, healthy, full-term newborn in your arms, you’ll start to feel like you’re getting your feet back under yourself. xoxo
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..semi-Wordless Wednesday =-.
Dee says:
I have confidence in you, and I think you are an amazing mother. There’s nothing like motherhood to show you that you are not in control and that you are imperfect, eh!? BUT, we do the best we can, we learn, and we have faith that we are making the best decisions without the benefit of seeing the future. You did NOTHING wrong, you just got dealt a rotten hand, and you are dealing with it in such a strong, productive, admirable way (Friends of Maddie, sharing your beautiful girl with many admirers, etc). That takes confidence. You may not feel strong and confident, but we, your loyal readers, see strength and confidence in you even when you don’t. Have faith in yourself. Sending you a big hug from CT…
Badass Geek says:
I think that kind of thing will come in time. Perhaps more time than you’d want to wait, but it will come.
.-= Badass Geek´s last blog ..In Which I Have To Wonder, Again =-.
Katrina says:
Control is an illusion. I totally get what you mean. I did everything I could to keep my kids healthy and safe — yet it was out of my control when a speeding car swerved into our lane and smashed through the window of our car and right into our daughter’s head, giving her a brain injury for life. She was in the required carseat for her age. We were driving on our side of the road, going the speed limit. We were controlling our end of the deal — or so I thought. I guess our control error started the moment we chose to drive that day. Hmmmm.
Nope, we are not in control of so many things. And that sucks. The only thing we can control is our own minds, what we think, how we react to things that happen to us.
Glad to hear Binky is doing so well
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Fourteen Months =-.
Jenn says:
Sooo glad to hear that Binky is doing so great! That is awesome!
the words ‘control’ and ‘motherhood’ should never be spoken in the same sentence. Control does not exist when you have children. That is the scariest part.
Heather, every other mother out there would have thought the same thing….that Maddie was getting better. And why wouldn’t you? She was strong and she had fought and won so many times before. You did everything humanely possible to help her.
Don’t doubt yourself, you are a great mom!
Big Hugs today!
Jenn in CA
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Not what I thought I would write about =-.
Sarah says:
Oh sweet, Heather. Of course you are going to beat up on yourself, it’s a part of this whole f’in process, but I hate to hear it. It’s really hard to trust our gut when we’re in crisis mode. And denial is a real, real emotion. It clouds our ability to see anything clearly. And how could you of possibly even let that thought that your precious girl might not be getting better creep in.” It’s too unbearable to imagine as your reality ended up showing you. You “gut” was keeping you safe for the moment, able to be present in the last moments with Maddie. In my opinion, and of course, I wasn’t there and am not living your nightmare, your gut was spot on.
Hang in there, honey. Sending you lots and lots of love.
lisa says:
I never knew having children could be so scary…it’s something no one ever tells you. These little people and what could happen to them have the ability to break our hearts completely. I think to experience what you have is to know that on a level that no one should ever have to.
Dawn says:
No parent is ever COMPLETELY sure on ANY decision, whether you have lost a child or not. Please go easy on yourself, Heather. You have proven yourself as a wonderful mother to Maddie over and over again. I know you will prove yourself, as well, to Binky.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..My mom =-.
Karen Chatters says:
Heather, I’m so glad to hear that Binky is doing well, I was thinking of you both all day yesterday and looking forward to your update.
Not being in control can be so difficult. I try VERY hard not to be a control freak and sometimes I fail miserably. We do the best we can in the circumstances in which we live but sometimes life throws us a curve ball smack in the nose and there’s nothing we can do. You are doing an excellent job in your own life, in Binky’s life and in Maddie’s life.
Hang in there Heather and take it one day at a time. You have a million “friends” out here in the world and we’re all here to help you get through the uncontrollable.
.-= Karen Chatters´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday**, Except it’s Thursday =-.
Courtney says:
I’m glad that Binky is doing well. Just have faith in yourself, maybe eventually you will feel a little bit more in control. God Bless.
.-= Courtney´s last blog ..Houston We Have Reached a Decision! =-.
Michelle W says:
You weren’t allowed to influence the most devastating moment of your life and Maddie’s short life but you most definitely make a difference. You made a difference in Maddie’s life and you make a difference in lives around the world. Not just because of ‘Friends of Maddie,” but because you share your heart and Maddie’s life with millions of readers. This is hardly compensation but just something I wanted to remind you of.
Jodie Brooks says:
Very scary, but very true statements. It’s easier to believe you have the control than to know you have none. You’ll get that confidence back in some way, I’m sure of it. You did everything you were supposed to for Maddie and for some reason things turned out all wrong.
I’m glad that Binky is doing well. I hope you start to have faith in yourself, because you’re really going to need it soon enough.
Thinking of you and praying for you and your family ALWAYS!!!
Danielle says:
This makes me as sad as any post you have written. Mostly because, as an out sider looking in, I think you do so much right. Maddie is the happiest baby I have ever seen. Her smile alone tells me that you and Mike do soooo much right. You are beautiful from the inside and everyone can see that. That is why Maddie’s smile is so implanted in all of our minds.
I am guessing that Binky already feels it and smiles.
Chantel says:
I’m glad to hear Binky is doing well. That’s great news.
So many things are out of our control and we may never realize the magnitude until something tragic happens.
All you can do is keep pressing forward. We are all here for you, Mike and Binky. Maddie looking down and smiling on you.
xoxo
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
Glad to hear that Binky is doing well.
Many hugs to you Heather. I can not imagine what you are going through. I am sure that you replay those bits of time over and over. It has to be so hard to 2nd guess yourself. Just take it one day at a time and try not to be hard on yourself. ((hugs))
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday-Saying Good bye =-.
Pam says:
I’m the same with control, and I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Of course you are given all the unimaginable heartache you’ve endured. I wish there was something more profound I could say but wanted you to know your words have touched me again, and you’re always in my thoughts.
Jen says:
Oh Heather, your post today hit so close to home. It was as though I was reading my mom’s diary.
On June 17th of this year, my mom, my step-dad and my almost 3 year old daughter were crossing the street. My stepdad was holding my daughter and a car struck them.
Not one of them saw each other. The car did not even hit her brakes. My daughter flew out of his arms and landed on her head. She is severely brain injured and is not able to walk, talk, eat, etc.
They told us she was not going to make it. At one point we were walking into a meeting where we thought we were going to be making a life and death decision for another human being. That does not seem right on any level….ever….especially when it’s your 2 year old daughter. We have been told countless times that she will never walk, talk,etc again.
My mom and stepdad are beside themselves. She was their entire world. She is everything to them. My mom feels like if she trusted herself 110% and this happened, then anything can happen, at anytime. She has lost all confidence in her decisions. She doubts every move she makes….everyday.
I see this living example of what you described you feel. I am so sorry for you to have to feel this way.
While yes, anything can happen. I try to boost my mom’s confidence on a daily basis. The unfortunate truth though is that things do happen and they will happen and there is nothing we can do.
I always think that people should only go through a certain amount of s*hit for a lifetime. I think you have gone through yours and I wish you only happier days ahead.
I know I went on and on, but your post really struck a nerve.
Take care,
Jen
Laura says:
Jen,
I am so sorry for what you are going through too. That is just awful for everyone involved. I will pray for your daughter and family.
Heather,
What everyone wrote above is so true. It is understandable that you are scared, and scarred because of what happened. It would shake any mother to her core. I know that with time, you will start to let go of a little of that fear, but for now, please try to let us be strong for you. May the love and prayers from your family, friend, and readers surround you and bring a little peace to that wonderful heart of yours right now.
((Hugs))
Sherry From KS says:
I think it’s ok to feel a lack of self confidence, it’s normal. You will gain it back soon. And none of us every REALLY know if we’re making the right decision, especially when it comes to parenting.
I am so happy to hear all is well with little Miss Binky!
.-= Sherry From KS´s last blog ..Fall =-.
Jenny @ http://motherlawyercrazywoman.blogspot.com/ says:
I understand your feeling about lack of control in life. I really do. Very well written. That said, am glad to hear all is well with Binky.
.-= Jenny @ http://motherlawyercrazywoman.blogspot.com/´s last blog ..Tropical Depression =-.
won says:
I am not sure that it is relevant. I’ll let you decide that. The timing is eerie, with my just having written this yesterday.
http://brokenwon.blogspot.com/2009/10/controls-illusion.html
.-= won´s last blog ..Boo Hoo!!! =-.
Editdebs says:
I have confidence in you.
Diane says:
Your world has been completely knocked of it’s rocker so it is easy to understand why you feel the way you do. I think it is normal to feel a loss of control when you have gone through everything that you have.
Bug hugs for you Heather. I always keep you in my prayers.
Aunt Becky says:
Wrapping my hammy arms around you from afar. Love you, girl.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Missing A Bloody Day In The ER =-.
Kim says:
One thing that I learned when I had chronic pain was that it was never static, always dynamic.
That idea helped me get through many, many difficult times. I realized that if the pain was increasing, there would be a point at which it would start to decrease a bit. I tried to focus on the pain and feel it change, because that meant that at least some relief was on its way at some point.
May your spirals soon take a turn toward the skies.
Allison F says:
Heather –
I rarely comment on blogs but this one spoke to me. I feel the same way. I have not gone through what you are going through but have had some of my own health issues as of late and you perfectly put my feelings into words. Please know that you are not alone, even in your darkest moments. Thanks for having the courage to continue to write for all of us.
Allison F
Chicago, IL
Liz says:
I think in a teeny way I know a bit about how you’re feeling. After I had 3 miscarriages and then finally stayed pregnant, I kept thinking – “Well, I don’t really trust my body to do this, but I will trust that my mind and my heart can take care of this baby after he is born.”
Then he was 6 weeks early and we struggled with breastfeeding and he had an unrelated health issue that involved decisions about drugs (yes) and surgeries (no) and I found it really hard. And I thought “Maybe my mind and my heart can’t do this either.”
I know that none of this amounts to a scraped knee in comparison with what you’ve gone through but I know that feeling of having a sense of competence and control taken away and I’m so sorry. Us control freaks like to fix things, so I’d love to have some wise, reassuring thing to say, but I don’t. I wish I could take some of your anxiety and pain away.
Rebecca says:
That’s why I hate it when someone says to trust your mom instinct, because I have no idea. I tried to trust my mom instinct on my son’s leg. I really did believe it was okay and didn’t want to go through procedures and tests to tell me that. I played the wait and see game and when he was 6 months old, it broke. There were things before that and things after that. Trusting my instincts is a bad idea because it’s always trouble.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Ann says:
My experience is nothing compared to what you have been through, but I empathize. Back in January, something happened to me that pretty much forced me to start over. I felt like I had all my dreams and hopes and confidence contained in a box, and this event picked up that box, dumped its contents on the cosmic floor and kicked them out of reach. I had to rethink and reevaluate my life and now, I have no idea what I’m going to do (literally, I don’t know what my next step is). But I found out that, no matter how much of a ninja-grip you have on life, there is always something else working against you. It’s just life, full of forces working against one another. Fortunately, you know what your next step is: Binky.
Take it one day at a time. Realize that you can only control how you think and act and try to make an effort to focus on the good. And finally, as someone mentioned before, your internet friends believe in you and will support you no matter what. We know that you have and will continue to do your best and that’s as good as anyone can do.
Kay says:
The loving wise words pouring forth from all of your friends here is so real. They reflect your goodness and all of the love you lived with Maddie –as well as the courage you continue to live now. What a refuge to be held in such love while you are suffering. Continue forward . . . just one inch at a time . . .
(And YAAAY Binkie!!)
Becky Mochaface says:
I’m glad to hear Binky’s doing well. I know I don’t normally comment because I’m always at a lose of words. But I had to share something with you…
I had a dream last night of Maddie. You and Mike were there of course. Unfortunately I can’t remember what was happening in my dream. Just that Maddie was beautiful, smiling, happy and sweet. And that I was smiling because of her.
I don’t normally dream about people I’ve never met in real life, but I had to let you know you guys are in my thoughts and prayers (and apparently dreams).
Loves and hugs.
.-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Every good dog deserves a lap dance every now and then =-.
wordygirl says:
Sending love to you and Binky. I am a control freak too and know what you are talking about. It’s so unfair that you did everything right and that Maddie is still gone.
Hang in there. We have confidence in you.
.-= wordygirl´s last blog ..Gwen video: she talks, she dances, she eats an apple =-.
mommiebear2 says:
I thought about you today, I am in the process of getting ready to have a tubal reversal and I had an appointment to have a hysterosonography done, the procedure was done by a doctor who is at our Houston Fertility Clinic. I sat there in the waiting room listening to the women talk about getting their shots, their new pregnancies, their worries and concerns and I just couldnt help but think of you and Binkie.
.-= mommiebear2´s last blog ..Lady Gaga’s Cousins =-.
Emily says:
This is when you can just sit back and know that WE have complete faith in you – and more than that, in our Lord who knows all things. You are loved!
Amber says:
I have a question for you–what have your doctors recommended about the Swine Flu vaccine? I’m pregnant with twins and both of my doctors have strongly recommended it. I’m pretty sure I’m getting it. Just wondering what your doctors have told you about it.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..caught up–PHEW! =-.
Heather says:
Hi Amber,
my doctors all are desperate for me to get the swine flu vaccine. It’s just a question of the right kind coming available (the non-preservative shot). I will definitely get it when it’s found.
Just a fan says:
i can only imagine that being made to surrender control the way you were is not ever an easy thing to come to terms with. ever. don’t give up on your gut. don’t give up on your intuition. wrap yourself in the endless compassion and encouragement being sent to you every day during this difficult yet exciting time of metamorphosis — for you, Mike, and Binky. and trust that somehow, someway, you’ll find your way back to “you”…a slightly different version, but pricelessly rich in all the ways that matter.
Katie says:
Hey Heather,
the thing is – life will always surprise us with its extremes. And for some, that is the beauty of it – its essence. For others, the unpredictability of it is frustrating and heartbraking too. But this frustration comes from our not being able, as you said yourself, to control everything around us. Perhaps in order to make life easier on ourselves we have to first learn to accept this fact? Nobody has the abilty of trully foreseeing what the future holds and therefore nobody can fully prepare for what will happen, right? But with this knowledge and the acceptance that we will NEVER be able to fully control what happens around us (as billions of factors intertwine and influence our outcomes) we might just be that little bit easier on ourselves in trying times. I say don’t give up on your instincts. Trust in yourself. And take care of yourself! You are just as important as Binky and you have to remember that! Wishing you, as always, all the best!!!
Alexandra says:
I understand just where you’re coming from. When life pulls the rug out from under you, you don’t where or what is safe anymore.
Amy K says:
I’m not sure why I dreamed about your blog last night, but for some reason it was February and you were announcing the birth of your healthy baby girl, Abigail Madeline. I think it’s a good omen (even if my sleeping brain randomly decided upon a name for her – maybe it was the Abby Cadabby references). Hang in there!
Glenda says:
I hope that in Feb you get the confidence you so deserve back and the joy in your life back. Hang in there! You are an inspiration to so many of us! I’m so glad to hear that Binky is doing well. Heather I can so relate to you about being a control freak sending you hugs XXX
MK says:
I can’t imagine your feelings. I just wanted to say “we” are here. “We” listen. So if you ever need a shoulder, typing helps…(for me, anyway).
Jenni/mom2nji says:
Heather,
I think of you everyday. I am so glad Binky is doing great!
I understand the lack of control. I was/am a control freak. Five miscarriages have taken that control from me. Before I lost Kai at five months pregnant, I trusted the doctors when they said he was ok. I can’t trust doctors anymore.
I guess parenthood is all about the lack of control.
My thoughts and prayers are with you always.
.-= Jenni/mom2nji´s last blog ..Being Truthful =-.
JennK says:
First of all, I’m so very very glad that Binky is doing well.
This whole process…losing someone you love…is definitely out of your control. And you can’t get around the process. You are just barrelling through whether you feel like it or not. It’s difficult (at best) for those of us used to calling the shots.
I will promise you this: it gets better. I can’t say when and I can’t say how. But one day, it will be better. Never perfect. Not that. Never again. But it will get better.
Much love to you and Mike.
.-= JennK´s last blog ..Hamthrax. =-.
Kymmi says:
I’m glad Binky is doing well, I wish the same could be said for you, though. I wish you weren’t in this position, I wish Maddie was still here, I wish there *was* some control over things. I wish, I wish, I wish.
Patty says:
I am happy to hear the all is well with Binky. I really wish I knew what to say, but I am at a loss. I would say that we, as humans, really aren’t in any kind of control and that we just have to have faith… but I know that with all that you have been through it really is a test of faith and makes it hard to have any. I don’t know if you are able to read all comments here, but I hope you do and that you know that you and your family is so loved and so many of us want to just wrap you up in the biggest hug! I’ve gone back and forth with even bringing this up, but I wonder if it could help you? I read the book “The Shack” and I think it could really help you with your grief and your ability to try to embrace life and love. (No, I have no ties with this book and get nothing for saying it!) But It really helped me with some things and IF you can get through the really hard parts of it, I think it is a good read and could maybe help to give you faith help you accept that you don’t control everything? Anyways, just a thought! Love as always from AZ, patty
.-= Patty´s last blog ..I Am =-.
mythoughtsonthat says:
Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..I Wish I Knew =-.
Leah says:
You will make it through.
Again:
You will make it through.
Al_Pal says:
*HUGS*
So glad Binky is doing well.
Sorry that your confidence is so badly shaken.
A friend of mine has an autistic son. I remember she told me that his autism made her realize that she didn’t really have control. I think she was able to turn it into a more Zen, go with the flow, type of attitude, but: it can’t be easy. At all.
Wishing you the best in bringing your confidence and [some] control back into your life.
Marti from Michigan says:
Heather – you are the best wife, best sister, best mom, best daughter, best aunt, best cousin anywhere.
Vanessa Pollard says:
Hi. I just recently started reading your blog after being directed to it by a close friend and I love to read about your perfect little Maddie.
I am so happy I am not the only one struggling through the questions of “gut feelings” being the correct feelings. Due to an incompetent cervix I lost my son, Adam in December of 2007 and after two failed stitches to keep my twin girls safe I lost Cayla and Marley in September of 2008. I am currently 30 1/2 weeks pregnant and doing fantastic with a beautiful little girl and everyday I wonder if my “gut instinct” is correct about anything. We wonder constantly what feelings are correct, what impressions we should trust and the only conclusions we have come to is just to ride it out. No matter what we have to its the only option.
I love your writing and feel privileged to be able to read your blog.
Keep up the good work and give Binky a belly pat from us.
Ania says:
I’m not surprised you had a good feeling about Maddie that day, as she was such a fighter, and had overcome so much already. She beat the odds numerous times, so why wouldn’t you have a good feeling that she’d pull through yet again? I sure as hell would have been hopeful, too!
I am 100% confident that you have to be one of the of the best moms out there. Maddie and Binky are so lucky that they are loved by YOU.
Molly says:
I am so sorry you’re feeling this way. You’ll get your confidence back. Once Binky is here, one small decision at a time, you’ll learn to trust your gut again.
Allyson says:
Another control freak mom here and I can’t say that I am exactly surprised that we all seem to find each other. We controllers need to lean on each other, because we know what the other is feeling.
Although in this case, I don’t. What I do know is that I am constantly in awe of your confidence to wake up everyday, your confidence to write about your experience, your confidence to keep Maddie fresh in our hearts, minds and prayers, your confidence to walk at the MOD walk on her behalf so soon after losing her, your confidence to go to Washington DC with the March of Dimes and express the importance of helping these babies, and your confidence to try again. It may not seem like it right now, but you are coping with the unimaginable and we all are confident in you and hopefully enough for you until your baby girl arrives.
Your post took me aback, because what I see on my screen is confidence in spite of the world.
Jane says:
Heather, I’m glad Binky is doing GREAT! : )
I feel sad for what you are going through, and so wish I had magic words. I wonder whether it does help you even one tiny bit to know that so many people are praying for and pulling for you guys…I hate to admit it, but I don’t know whether that would make a difference to me if I had lost a child. I really hope that the thoughts and prayers are of some true comfort to you. My grandma used to tell me that the decision to have children is the decision to let your heart — the very essence of your own self — walk around separate from you. We really do have a complete lack of control and that is so scary. Heather, I really do appreciate you sharing your thoughts, wise words, insight and fears. You help me to be better to my kids every single day. I read your blog and can’t help but reflect, even for just a moment, on my kids. Your writing makes a concrete difference in my life and in how I treat my kids, and I am so grateful. Even if it’s only doing a puzzle for 10 minutes, or stopping to listen to them playing together, it’s something I didn’t TRULY appreciate before. Praying for you guys and especially for your peace.
Allison says:
I can’t even imagine what you have been through. I’m praying for you guys and am so excited about your new little one on the way.
red pen mama says:
Oh, my, yes. This.
Parenting really slaps us control freaks upside the head. Maybe not as painfully some days as others.
Remember the movie Parenthood? (Am I dating myself?) As much as I am the Steve Martin character in that movie, I try to remind myself to be more like Mary Steenbergun’s character — ride the roller coaster and enjoy it.
But when life hurts you, I think it’s even harder.
ciao,
rpm
.-= red pen mama´s last blog ..Snippet: Sweet =-.
Susan (5 Minutes for Mom) says:
Oh my gosh, I’m soooooo out of the loop… I didn’t even realize you are expecting.
(I’m so sorry that I’m way behind on blog reading and I haven’t kept up to date.)
How wonderful though… congratulations!!!
As for the control thing… I have a terrible time dealing with the lack of control. I’m a worrier and so I worry about everything.
I can only imagine how it must all feel for you now… confidence and control is something we all struggle with… and your struggle with it must be multiplied.
HUGS!!!!
.-= Susan (5 Minutes for Mom)´s last blog ..Angry, Yoda is =-.