When I was trying to get pregnant with Maddie, I read a ton of books and articles with loads of conflicting advice. There was one thing that they all agreed on – you shouldn’t tell anyone you’re pregnant until the second trimester. So, that was our plan…until things started to go haywire. I ended up missing a lot of work to see specialists and my coworkers started to suspect something was up. I ended up announcing the pregnancy to our friends at nine weeks.
With Annie’s pregnancy, we told our family right away and our close friends a few weeks later. We announced it to everyone else when I was eleven weeks pregnant, mostly because I was going on a trip where I knew people would offer to buy me drinks, give me hugs, and most likely see me puke.
This last pregnancy, I couldn’t get excited about telling anybody until I’d told Jackie. It was important to me to tell her in person, which I didn’t get to do until I was about eight weeks pregnant. After that, we started telling all of our friends, although I miscarried before we’d managed to tell everyone.
Next time, I am leaning towards telling people sooner. I really hated sending the “Oh I was pregnant, but now I’m not,” email. I felt bad about it, even though I know I didn’t need to. I don’t really see the point of waiting long next time to tell people. I’m not superstitious so I don’t believe spreading the word before the end of the first trimester has any impact on pregnancy. But I hesitate because I’ve heard the whispers about people who’ve shared that they’re expecting before the “safe” time to announce it, and I think that’s sad. What’s wrong with sharing happy news with your family and friends? Why hold back for a “what if,” especially if, should it happen, you want to lean on your family and friends for support? After all, friends and family are supposed to be there for you in the bad times, too.
Of course, my pregnancies don’t really have a “safe” time, so I’m more of a “celebrate before everything goes to hell” kind of person. And with a future pregnancy being my last, I have to at least attempt to squeeze some joy out of it, because who knows what will happen. If we don’t get a baby at the end, then I’ll need my support system more than ever. But hopefully, we’ll have lots of joy for months and years.
So, when do you all spill the beans, and why then?
Tori says:
With our first we told family the day we got the positive pregnancy test, my husband was so excited he just had to tell someone. Waited to tell work mates until I was about 11 weeks and I had some interesting “symptoms” that made people start guessing. (I drank coke every single day and I literally hated the taste of it for the first 6 months of pregnancy! So it became obvious when I was no longer taking my can of coke to work for lunch).
With our second, I waited to tell anyone, including my husband because he was overseas for 5 weeks, until I was 9 weeks when I told my husband at the airport on his return. We told family the next day. (I knew the day I missed my period). We miscarried that baby 10 days later :o( And I announced it to my boss by saying “Hey I’m pregnant and I’m bleeding!”
With our last we told family after we hit 10weeks which is when we had lost our baby, then we told everyone else at around 12 weeks or so. I was reluctant to celebrate after losing a baby and the trauma and grief that caused, and if I am really honest, I didn’t truly celebrate until I held my living, breathing baby in my arms on his birth day.
Jos says:
My last pregnancy I told my family and friends the moment I got a positive pregnancy test (4 weeks). I agree, I don’t see the point of keeping it a secret. It is a joy to celebrate with those you love and if things had gone wrong, they would have been the first I’d call anyway. I waited till my first scan to do the big Facebook/everyone and their mother announcement. With my first pregnancy, I was more secretive, I think because I could barely wrap my head around it myself!
Trisha says:
I did the same. Spilled the beans right away as soon as I got a positive test with my home pregnancy kit. I figured that if something did go wrong I would my close friends and especially my family to help me through it so I told them all.
Becca_Masters says:
I’m currently pregnant with my first baby. It’s exciting and terrifying.
I told my husband the day before my period was due. I just knew I was pregnant. So I popped into the local chemist store grabbed a test and peed on it as soon as I got to work. It took less than two minutes to flash up “pregnant” so much that I took a photo and immediately sent it to my husband. I could literally only be 4 weeks pregnant.
We waited for the doctor to confirm the pregnancy and ten we told our family.
Unfortunately seeing the midwife at 8 weeks I was put down as a high risk pregnancy and therefore would have a lot of appointments to check on the baby. So I told work immediately and a few close colleagues guessed.
Once we’d had our first scan @ 13 weeks and 2 days we told everyone else.
I’m now 14 weeks and a few days.
I wanted to tell everyone immediately, mainly because I can’t keep secrets for such a long time. My husband wanted to wait.
Realistically it doesn’t have much bearing on telling people before the 12 weeks, because its likely that if a miscarriage occurs before then it’s because of a medical reason, not because you “tempted fate” and told the world before 12 weeks.
Coleen says:
The first Pregnancy, we started telling people at what we thought was 8 weeks, but turned out to be 6 because we miscalculated. I posted on FB the day I turned 14 weeks, I think.
The second time, we started telling immediate family at 4-5 weeks because I was having issues, and I needed prayers. I miscarried at 6-7 weeks.
This time, we told immediate family at 6 weeks (again for prayers), close friends and extended family at 14 weeks, and I just outed myself on Twitter yesterday, and I’ll be 26 weeks on Thursday. I still haven’t outed on FB yet; it’s been nice keeping it private. Also, I’m a little cautious.
lisa d says:
With both, I told right away–not long after I got the positive test. Partly, that was because our families happened to be in town, and partly it was because I’m impatient. With my second, I had some bleeding that everyone thought would be a miscarriage–it was an awful weekend, but I was glad that our families knew so that we could have their support through that time. For me, it would have been harder going through all that and having to first say, well, I *was* pregnant, but now I’m not.
Jacki says:
With both of my kids I told everyone I could as soon as I found out. Why not celebrate an exciting time in your life? The only downfall was I felt like I was pregnant FOREVER, because people had known since I was just a couple weeks along. I would be afraid of leaving someone out, or hurting someone’s feelings by waiting, plus I don’t keep my own secrets very well lol. Good luck, Heather!
Amber says:
With my 2nd pregnancy, We had to tell everyone at 5 weeks. I got a positive pregnancy test and the very next day began puking my guts out nonstop. After my 3rd trip to the hospital in 4 days, people started asking questions. I believe every baby deserves to be celebrated, even if that baby only survives 8 weeks in utero. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 8 weeks but we had already told everyone. Our family and friends celebrated and mourned with us and it was healing.
annabel says:
I haven’t done this whole rodeo yet, but I think I’d definitely tell all the people I’d expect to support me if I did miscarry… but try to not tell casual acquaintances.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
We told everyone right away, because I knew I’d need their support if we lost the baby.
Chantel says:
I’ve always had mixed feelings about this subject. I have suffered losses at various points in pregnancy and I’ve been classified as high risk since I was 17 and they found reproductive cancers.
With my oldest, we had no choice but to tell everyone since I had to go on immediate bed rest and relied on family to rush me back and forth to the hospital for various alarming events. I had a hard time really processing the pregnancy, complicated by the fact that the father was terrified of losing both of us and he withdrew for a while. After a long, difficult delivery, she was born with her eyes open and then sneezed amniotic fluid all over her father and we knew everything was okay.
With my youngest, I used a different form of birth control that, yet again, didn’t work. I was terrified and called the father’s sister, who rushed over and held my hand while I waited for the lines that would change my life. She knew before the father and kept the secret until I could get a confirmation from the doctor. With no room for “user error”, the doctors decided that my hormones were out of whack, thus making hormonal birth control a wasted effort. I was immediately referred to a high risk clinic (and finally told the father, who was beginning to fear that my cancer had returned, so pregnancy news was a relief and a blow all at the same time) and I was amazed at how smoothly the pregnancy progressed. We told everyone when we got confirmation via a trans-vaginal ultrasound showing his heartbeat. I was probably 7 weeks along at that point.
So, we told everyone really early both times but more out of necessity than anything else.
Colleen says:
I’m with you- we told right away with both pregnancies. Although, with my second we waited a few weeks to tell the in-laws because it was more fun to have everyone together at once place (all 30+ people) and put the “I’m going to be a big brother” shirt on my son and let everyone slowly figure it out!
Keeping you in my thoughts that you get that BFP soon!!
sherri w says:
With my second I had decided to wait until 12 weeks as the say we should. (ugh). At about 9 weeks I started having bleeding and was sure I was miscarrying. (I didn’t). After tests, ultrasounds, missing work etc… I found all was okay. Afterwards, I thought if I had miscarried, I would have wanted support from my friends, yet they didn’t even know I was pregnant. It didn’t make a lot of sense. I say tell when you know. Period.
Stephanie Precourt says:
We were early announcers – usually with that first positive test the world knew. But I think we waited later when we told with Ivy because we weren’t sure how excited people would be by the 4th kid…
Steph
Jenny says:
I have been told by both of my obgyns that’s it’s safe to share once you’ve seen a heartbeat on an ultrasound. We told with both of ours after having an 8ish week ultrasound to confirm we were indeed pregnant And that everything looked ok so far. I agree with you, you will want the support of those people if something does go wrong so why wait to share in the joy? I wish you the best of luck. You’re a great momma.
Paty says:
I’ve always mostly lived in the moment so for all 5 of our pregnancies I’ve always told right away and by that I mean as soon as I got a positive test, I was to excited to keep it to myself. I’ve never cared what other people thought though. Friends and family know me well and they’ve also never told me anything negative. Our baby making years are over 5 was the perfect number for us. I wish you and Mike lots of success with this next pregnancy
Connie says:
I’ve never understood the people who say you have to wait until 12 weeks to tell everyone. To each his own, if you feel like you want to wait, then wait. Me, personally, I won’t be able to wait ten seconds. I have all these grand plans in my head of making a cute or funny setup to tell everyone but I know after I tell my husband I won’t be able to wait five minutes to tell everyone else. Besides, our families are so touchy and jealous we will have to tell everyone ASAP. There’s a big deal on hubby’s side if someone, God forbid, knows before his parents. My sister has three healthy kids but also had three miscarriages, she told us every time as soon as she knew she was preggo. We were there for the celebratory moments and there to cry with her at the losses. Do what feels right for you and your family.
Molly says:
Oh, I agree. I tell close friends and family pretty much as soon as that second line shows up (though my husband likes to wait to tell his). The only people I wait till 13 weeks to tell are work, Facebook, any large groups, etc
Kendra says:
My husband and I told as soon as the test came up positive. I know everyone says you shouldn’t tell right away, but I can’t keep secrets. Plus, I think that children are a gift and should be celebrated from the get go.
twingles says:
My twins are from fertility treatment that my family knew about, so we told them right away. With my daughter, we also told family right away. I only kept it a secret at work because I didn’t feel like answering “how are you feeling? When are you due again? Do you want a boy or girl? Oh, you’re having a () they are so much fun/trouble/whatever”….for 8 months.
Amanda says:
With our first I waited until I was about 7 weeks to tell my family because I wanted to do it face to face on a planned family vacation. We waited a little longer to tell friends and coworkers, but only because it was my first pregnancy and you always get told to wait to tell people “just in case”. With my second pregnancy, everyone (family and friends) knew within 24hrs of me peeing on the stick. My first pregnancy had gone well, so I figured there was no point in waiting. For my third pregnancy (which was a total unplanned surprised) we also told everyone right away because we needed support from everyone seeing as the pregnancy came on the heels on my second baby having been born, so needless to say, I was overwhelmed by the unexpected news that we’d have 3 kids under 2yrs 9mos. But sadly, I miscarried the third time, and I was so relieved that I had told everyone about the pregnancy, because then the sadness I was feeling over losing the baby didn’t have to be a secret.
I guess everyone has to do what feels right for them – there is no rule. But for me, I don’t feel a need to wait – I want all my family and close friends (my support circle) to know the happy news. That way, they can support me in good times AND in bad.
Erin W says:
With both of mine, I told either the same day or not long after the positive test. I never understood waiting for that long…our family is important to us and I couldn’t stomach the thought of spending time with them for 3 long months and not letting them be privy to such happy news. They support you through the good and the ugly. Sending good vibes your way in the months ahead! You deserve nothing but happiness.
emily e says:
We always tell family immediately and sometimes close friends. But i’ve had 3 miscarriages and for ME, telling my family that we’ve lost the baby is one of, if not the, hardest part. No way that I could also tell a whole community of friends. I have their support and prayers whether I’ve told them or not. No need to make it harder on me.
Casey says:
I am totally with you Heather. In fact, I’ve read more and more articles, blog posts, etc from women who say we shouldn’t hold back. Why hide it? Telling people you’re pregnant does not hurt your pregnancy! And, God forbid something goes wrong, your friends will find out anyway because you need their support to get through it. When I was 6 weeks pregnant, I had a ton of bleeding. The ER doctor confirmed we were still pregnant, but wasn’t sure if it was an impending miscarriage. If it was, I’d need to tell my family and at least my boss at work becauase I would need time off for all the related doctor’s appts. If I wasn’t, then I was still ordered to 2 days of bed rest. So we told everyone. We embraced the situation, prepared to receive support no matter how things turned out. I’m not saying this very well, but there are awesome articles out there about giving up this arbitrary “wait for three months” rule. I totally support it.
Mommy says:
Everyone is different. For me, I’m not sure why I waited to tell everyone, but we did. Even close friends and family. I guess I was so (happily) surprised both times that I waited until it sunk in before spreading the news…. Also we wanted to wait until we could tell our families in person and when they were all together, so I was probably 10 weeks the first time, and 12 the second.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with sharing the news early though. Whatever each mama wants to do is the right decision for her.
Love to you, Mama Spohr!
xoxo
Vera says:
I’ve lost four babies in pregnancy (I also have four living children) and every single time I called at least one of my friends FROM THE BATHROOM after I took the pregnancy test. Like you, having high risk/scary pregnancies, I needed that support and I would rather tell right away and know that I have people pulling for me than work hard to keep a secret and then not have people to call if things went badly.
Holly says:
I have been pregnant 4 times. The first pregnancy, we waited the ‘magical’ 12 weeks to tell people and the day after we mailed out our cute-y Christmas cards with the little baby picture that was to ‘tell’ everyone and subsequently put our u/s pic on FB, we miscarried. That time taught me that I wanted to tell family early on and a few close friends, but NOT the whole world. Mainly b/c it was impossible to ‘un-tell’ that many people and for months after the m/c I was still getting asked how I was feeling and when I was due…by people who obviously couldn’t see that I had no growing belly. The 2nd m/c (the one after we had our daughter), was at 8 weeks and I was glad to have my families shoulders’ to lean on, but so glad I didn’t have to un-tell the world. Many people still don’t know I ever had that one. Anyway,other than our parents and close friends, we waited until 16-ish weeks…when my body was basically going to tell if I didn’t. It wasn’t because it was a ‘secret’, I was just jaded and wouldn’t let myself get excited about a pregnancy again so I wasn’t ready to hear everyone else get excited. I was nervous the entire time. I don’t think there is any right or wrong time…whenever YOU feel comfortable!
Jessie says:
We told family and close friends right away, we were so happy. Unfortunately I ended up having a miscarriage, but it really helped to have everyone aware — they were a great support system for us afterward. Next time I’ll do the same thing — it was wonderful getting to share that news.
Editdebs says:
I didn’t tell people until 12 weeks with my first, but I let it slip at 10 weeks at work with my second pregnancy. But I had a miscarriage. And while it was hard letting everyone know after telling them the good news, I’m glad I had friends to lean on when the bad happened. If I’d kept it quiet, I think I would have felt empty and sad all on my own–which would have made everything feel even worse.
cindy w says:
With Lucy, I remember saying something at the 8-week ultrasound about not telling people for a few more weeks. The ultrasound tech said, “Go ahead & tell your family & friends. If anything goes wrong, you’ll need their support anyway.” Which is basically what you’re saying. I don’t believe in jinxing the pregnancy or anything like that. I think you share the news when you feel comfortable sharing it.
Although “celebrate before it all goes to hell” sounds like a good plan.
Kristen says:
I’m currently pregnant with our first and I’ll be 10 weeks tomorrow. This pregnancy is the result of IVF, so my family, close friends and my boss all knew that we were trying. So when I was able to test at 2 weeks gestation, EVERYONE was asking how the test came out!! I am so glad we’ve told the family and close friends that we have – they are all almost more excited than I have been. But they are a wonderful support system and I am so grateful. The only group we’ve held out on telling is the larger group at work. I do want to wait until the end of this first trimester just because I figure the less time they have to worry if I’m coming back to work the better!
Lindsay says:
We’re in our first cycle of IVF and I doubt there is a person in my department who doesn’t know what’s going on. And my family and close friends and boss will all know when we get to the transfer step, and there’s no way I’ll be able to keep whether it’s successful or not to myself because they’ll be asking. A coworker of mine is doing IUI’s and actually got pregnant on the last one but didn’t tell anyone. Between odd hours and vacation I didn’t get a chance to ask her how the last IUI went until about 5 weeks later. Sadly, she had just miscarried and was very uncomfortable telling me and obviously didn’t want anyone to know about it. I felt terrible about asking her but we’ve been keeping up with each other’s progress for the past 2 yrs. It never occurred to me that something had happened that she wanted to keep to herself. I’m not good at being evasive and it’ll probably be easiest for me to be an open book no matter what happens.
Terri says:
I love the “celebrate before everything goes to hell” comment. I feel that way too. Why sit around holding your breath for “x” amount of days. Who knows when it can go bad, I was never in a safe spot during my daughters pregnancy, and my last one was another loss so that”safe” time is nonexistant. Might as well get some happiness out of every moment we can.
Lisa says:
I don’t believe in telling family or friends early… We waited until about 18 weeks (after all of the scans) to tell family with our first, and told my coworkers and friends around the 20 week mark. It helped that I wasn’t showing until about that time so it was easy to keep everything a “secret.” I’m pregnant again, and we’ll probably hold off on telling everyone until around the 18 week mark. I’d wait longer if I could but I’m showing more this time! I just don’t see any reason to tell our (large) family and friends the news before all of the scans are complete and the baby is closer to viability. Many of my friends have done the same and waited. Gets way too complicated if you have a loss!
Mary says:
I only told a couple close friends until 12-14 weeks. My husband’s family tends to be unable to keep anything to themselves so if we told someone we knew EVERYONE would know and I just didn’t think I could face that if something went wrong. If they could keep secrets, we probably would have told both families earlier.
JennS says:
We had a positive test so we got a blood test. When that came back we told our parents. So that was about 5 weeks, which was right away. I am superstitious, so we told our extended families at 9 weeks. I told my close co-workers at 10 weeks. But we haven’t really told anyone else. It’s great news, but I hate being asked how my body parts feel and if it is a boy or a girl and if I have been sick and… everything that is no one’s business or I just don’t know yet.
Stephanie says:
I’m the worst secret keeper in the world and started calling people before the pee had even dried on the stick! lol
Denise says:
Husband and I told everyone right away with our first child. It was the first grandchild on both sides of the family. With the birth of each child, (we currently have 3 children with one more due this coming March), we have progressively waited longer for each pregnancy to make the announcement. With this latest pregnancy, we have told our parents and friends out here, but have yet to share with the majority of our family/friends. This is easy because we live several hundred miles away from everyone. I think it’s because we want to avoid the, “Wow, when this child is 10, you will be 50!”, conversations we know will take place. I’ve done the math. I already know this. When I finally work up the courage to share (I’m 15 weeks), we are going to let my 7 yr. old announce it to family/friends on her blog. She wrote a song about being a big sister, and is going to play it out on her electric guitar.
There is no ” right or wrong” time to share your special news, Heather. It just depends on when you’re comfortable and ready. Best of luck to you and Mike. Always.
Kayleigh says:
This post made me feel a little guilty because lately I’ve been one of the whisperers. My husband has a co-worker who is pregnant. I have met the woman maybe twice, for a total of maybe half an hour of actual face-time. She friended me on Facebook, and I accepted. I have known she is pregnant since she was 7 weeks along (when she started posting weekly belly pics – seriously). This seems absolutely crazy to me.
(I happen to know through a mutual friend that this woman has also had a miscarriage in the past. So, it’s not as if she naively assumes that everything is going to be fine. Maybe she’s also seizing the opportunity to celebrate while she can?)
I can certainly understand sharing news early with friends and family, people who you would want to be a support network for you if something were to go wrong. But I am not in this woman’s support network, I barely know her. I’ve been on pins and needles for her, worried that she would end up having to post on Facebook to a group of relative strangers that she had a miscarriage.
deborah says:
Are you?
Kayleigh says:
I’m trying to see this as food for thought rather than an insult.
I’m not wishing bad things on my husband’s co-worker so that I can enjoy some schadenfreude at her expense. At worst maybe I kind of resent her for potentially putting me in an awkward position (knowing something intensely personal about her and not wanting to just ignore it but not really knowing what to say).
That probably sounds cold too, but I thought the view from the other side might interest Heather.
Sheila says:
We always shared with close friends & family pretty quickly but others not until I had to not b/c I was superstitious but b/c 9 mos is a long time & I didn’t want to deal with questions for all that time.
Sarah says:
I’m nearly 5 months pregnant with my first baby. I decided to have this baby on my own (with the help of a good friend, a good lawyer, and an even better reproductive endocrinologist) and because there was so much planning going on and things to consider with my unconventional path to motherhood, I told several people way back in the planning stages. This included my immediate family and some of my closest friends that I dubbed my Baby Team. They were the ones that kept me calm when it looked like things might fall through for one reason or another, and when I got to my IVF cycle and didn’t know if it would work (I’m also 40). So there were more people than normal that knew by the time I tested positive, but they were all the people that I knew I’d need and want around me if I lost the baby. I told extended family at around 9 weeks (but only the ones that I felt close enough to talk about a potential miscarriage – this only describes certain sides of the family), friends that see me on a regular basis at 12 weeks, and then pretty much everyone else after my amnio results last week. I still haven’t said anything on FB but likely will announce it after getting final amnio results this week or next (I got the rapid FISH results that confirmed the majority of results were negative). I have other friends that have put their news on FB and announced to everyone by 12 weeks, but because there are/were a number of people that weren’t anticipating me announcing a pregnancy since I’m very single, I felt I wanted to avoid the scrutiny until things were fairly far along if I didn’t have to tell them (I live in a different city from where I grew up, so a lot of FB friends never see me in person). For me, it came down to who would I want to know I had gone through a tough time immediately, and if someone fell in that category they heard about my pregnancy earlier than later. If I wasn’t sure I wanted to ever tell someone about a potential loss, or wanted to make it my choice to tell them, they didn’t hear until later – not that it’s a guarantee things will be fine, but the chances are less that there will be a problem or bad news. I think this is such an individual decision, you just have to go by your gut feeling. I think your approach sounds great too.
Sarah says:
Jeez, I wrote a book, sorry about that!
Rebecca says:
I shout it from the mountaintops and tell the world (internet) as soon as my husband and I start trying, then as soon as I pee on the stick and it turns pink…which is generally about a week before I’ve missed my period. But ya know, otherwise I like to lay low and keep things on the sly.
I do it because I just can’t keep a secret. And why not share the good news asap?
defendUSA says:
Well, we didn’t wait the first time…My spouse had just graduated with a Master’s and I took the chance…First time, a charm. We had a new job, too. But it wasn’t the job we told people about…”Yep, we have a new job…Parents!” Second time….waited after loss one. It barely took one cycle before I was pregnant, again thankfully…I was afraid to tell so I gave him a card. And from the bathroom(don’t ask!) he yelled, “Wow, you really are fertile Mertle!”
I didn’t wait every time…it just depended. Go with your gut…
Kate says:
I agree with you, why would you not tell your family and friends right away? If the worst does happen, wouldnt you want to lean on them anyway?
Go with whatever seems right for you.
Sending you lots of healthy pregnancy vibes!!
Madeleine says:
With my first we told when we found out, I misscaried at 11 weeks. Then with my son we said it when we found out ourselves when I was having surgery, it was unexpected. Although some people actually found out once I was put on bedrest at 18 weeks. My son Spencer was born at almost 27 weeks so I was pregnant what seemed like only a second. With my second son, I took like 7 tests and kept telling my sister, it’s light pink, does pink count? Finally went in showed husband the stick and said here’s another surprise. We told everyone right away, I think I wasn’t even 7 weeks yet. Wanted to savor every second since we didn’t know what was going to happen this time. Well after weekly visits to specialists, perinatologists, and my regular OB, I was pregnant forever, 3 days short of 39 weeks. Miracle number 2 was born. I say enjoy the feeling. I never understood the waiting period thing. I keep your family in my prayers.
Natalie says:
I got a lot of advice about this, most of it telling me not to tell anyone until the second trimester began. It was twins (“especially because it’s twins!” they would say). But I really wanted to tell some people earlier — especially important people, whose support I knew I’d need if it didn’t go the way we hoped. Here was the hierarchy:
When I peed on the stick: my husband. (actually, he heard me yell in the bathroom and wanted to know if I was ok. Yeah, I was!) Later that day: my two BFFs and my brothers.
Once we’d been to to the doctor and confirmed that they (!) were in there (six weeks): my mom and stepdad, dad and stepmom, and my mother-in-law and husband’s aunt.
I told my boss at seven weeks, partially because I was so green at the gills, partially because he was a twin dad himself. He was the best boss ever.
Then I set up a blog filter for a few of my friends online to talk about it with, for their experience and support.
By 11 weeks or so almost everyone knew except my father-in-law because he can’t keep a secret. Everyone else knew by 13 weeks.
Gretchen says:
I am expecting our ninth baby. We didn’t tell anyone until I was around 16/17 weeks this time. We only told because family was visiting from out of town and would notice I was suddenly more rotund than the last time they saw me. People who saw us daily didn’t seem to notice. Maybe they just thought I was in a tubby season.
I get annoyed by the scrutiny, questions, status as a weirdo. Holding off on telling delayed the inevitable deluge of “WOW” and “Are you crazy?” etc. I also have a history of loss (4) so I go back and forth between being an early teller and a super late teller. I’ve done both.
Caela says:
I’m about 10 weeks pregnant with our first right now and we told close friends and family right away. Like the day we got a positive test we started telling. I waited to tell people we weren’t as close to until after our first ultrasound at 8 weeks, once we heard the heart beat I figured it was fair game. My reasoning was much like your own. I figured that if something were to go wrong, I would need those people to lean on. I’m also a horrible secret keeper.
Jenn says:
After waiting so long with my 1st successful pregnancy, we told my family right away when I test positive with my 2nd baby and I told a few people at school (work) mainly the main gossip when I was 13 weeks and it was our last day of class before summer break. You can imagine everyone surprise when I came back to work with a big full almost 6 month belly in Sept and boy were they MAD at me!!! I thought it was funny!!! With my last born son we told people at 9 wks b/c I just got to the point where I wanted to celebrate my baby and if I lost him, I figured I would need the support as well too. I don’t think you can loose either way. I just think it is very much like breast feeding and family bedding… it’s ones own personal choice and should not be judged by others.
Good Luck with your decision Mama!! I’m sure you’ll do what’s right for you and your family!!
Love to all!! xoxo
Angela says:
With our first we told everyone right after I took the test.I tested on Christmas Eve so I was a great “present” for everyone.I was really nervous right after because of the what if somehing goes wrong then I have to tell everyone that too.With our second we waited until I went to my 8 week check up to make sure everything looked good.Although alot of close friends kept questioning why I was drinking,which made me feel like a lush.LOL
MichelleR says:
With our first, we kind of told certain people at certain times. Our parents knew first and pretty much right away, close friends a couple weeks after, and our bosses and the rest of our families around the 11 week mark after we’d heart her heartbeat a couple different times.
With our second, it was pretty much the same except our close friends knew something was up right away and figured it out around 5-6 weeks.
Amy says:
We waited with our first. With our second pregnancy (twins) we told people sooner. We ended up having complications with that pregnancy and every subsequent pregnancy would also be affected, so we weren’t going to have more. And then we had a surprise pregnancy. We told everyone fairly quickly. It was extremely high risk, and we figured that either way, we’d want the support.
Kirsten says:
We told everyone right away with both pregnancies – we’ve never been good at keeping secrets and like you, I figured even if something bad happened, it’s not like I would keep that a secret from people…I did have to send a few of those emails though, simply because we didn’t have a chance to tell everyone about the pregnancy and then when we lost it, it’s awkward when people didn’t already know.
Sometimes I think people don’t tell until the 2nd trimester only because they don’t want all the questions and worry and nerves that go along with everyone knowing, especially if they’ve already experienced a loss. I’m not sure how I’ll feel the next time I get pregnant – but most likely we won’t be able to keep our mouths shut! haa
Amy says:
Telling people you are pregnant is such a personal decision; there can’t be any ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ time to do so.
I have only one child — the only child I will ever be able to have — and she was the result of an intense year of fertility treatments. [Note to those who think fertility treatments are only for forty-something women who waited until it was ‘too late:’ I have a common form of infertility that I’ve had since puberty.]
Not only did we not tell people we were trying to have a child, mainly because it was too hard to handle the constant questions and well-meant but inappropriate advice, we waited until very late to tell people I was pregnant. Some people didn’t know until I gave birth.
The main reason for this was because we weren’t sure we would have a living child until she was actually born. When you are so used to disappointment and have struggled all the way, sometimes you don’t let people know you’re traveling until you reach your destination.
There are plenty of good reasons to tell people early — but there are also good reasons to let them know later. Waiting was right for us. Hopefully you’ll decide what makes sense for you — and very best wishes either way!
S says:
My sharing was all about coincidental timing. So first thing to note, my kids have birthdays that are 6 days apart (their due dates were 2 days apart). I conceived at roughly the same time of year for both of them and reached all “milestone weeks” at basically the same time of year. We told our parents as soon as we had seen the doctor (around 7-8 weeks). I wasn’t superstitious, but I did want to speak to my doctor for confirmation before telling anyone else. Two weeks after that I had an ultrasound (with both kids), and a week following that just happened to be my birthday.
Aside from our parents, we didn’t really “tell” anyone. Both times, people just showed up at our house for my birthday party and one of my sisters-in-law inevitably noticed an ultrasound picture on the fridge.
Now every time we have any parties at our house, the first thing everyone does is walk into the kitchen. No “Hi, how are you?” Just a bee-line to the fridge to look for pictures.
Leslie says:
With my first pregnancy I wanted to tell our parents in a cute way. Maybe giving my parents and inlaws a bib or a onesie or something along those lines. So we were going to wait until the next time we saw our parents. Well, I miscarried before we saw either set of parents. I called my mom while she was working and was sobbing. That phone call must have been so much for her because she had to process the fact that I was pregnant and comfort me over the miscarriage at the same time. When I got pregnant with Austin I was so fearful of miscarrying again that I didn’t want to wait and tell our families in a cute way. I just called my mom up and told her the day we found out. With Lucas we did the same. We told our families right away, but waited to tell friends, extended family, and coworkers. I definitely learned that I needed a support system, but I am superstitious and still didn’t want to tell everyone until 12 weeks. I know it doesn’t make sense. When you tell someone you are pregnant is not going to change the outcome of the pregnancy, but for me it just makes me feel better to wait.
MH says:
We told close family and friends right away. I’m just like that. I can’t contain excitement!
I told co-workers / boss when I could no longer where my usual clothes. Unfortunately for me, that was 9 weeks! Yeah… I ate a little bit too much in the beginning. I figured if I had to buy new clothes, it was going to be maternity ones I could where most of the remaining pregnancy and not regular ones the next size up.
Paula says:
Our third pregnancy, and the only one that resulted in a real live baby, was an accident (or miracle)! When I realised I was pregnant I called my BFF and cried – told her I couldn’t tell my hubby as I didn’t want to put him through all of that again. She calmed me down and I told him that evening.
That night I had a dream and KNEW the baby in my dream was my Grace. I was never scared after that, even after a bleeding episode, and I pretty much all my friends and family.
Karla says:
With my first pregnancy, family found out at about 8 weeks, a few friends at 9, co-workers at 12, miscarriage happened the next day.
My second pregnancy, parents were told around 6 weeks (I think it was after I saw the heartbeat), and a few close friends were told. That miscarriage happened at 10 weeks.
Two other people knew when I was pregnant a 3rd time – my husband and a close friend. That pregnancy was over before I even had a chance to tell more.
Family found out as soon as my 4th pregnancy was confirmed. A few close friends found out around 6 weeks. I never told co-workers. I just started wearing maternity clothes at 19 weeks and let them figure it out. I didn’t relax until I was holding my baby.
My 5th and final pregnancy was kept quiet. Sisters were told around 7 weeks, my mom was told around 10 weeks. Close friends were told at different times throughout. Co-workers were again never told. I just showed up in maternity clothes again, only at 15 weeks instead. Again, I didn’t relax until I was holding my baby.
Annalisa says:
I had a coworker who had gone through three losses once, before she finally got pregnant again and had a healthy baby boy. this was over a decade ago, and she similarly didn’t really tell anyone outright that she was pregnant aside for my boss, who was her closest work friend. I think she pretty much fielded all the questions (“Yes, she’s pregnant. Yes, everything is going okay. She’s nervous about it though, for obvious reasons”).
I remember at the time being totally puzzled about it. I’d think to myself “Sure, she’s had a lot of disappointment before, but everything is going fine now. What’s the big deal?”. Boy, was I naive. Only much later I realized that for her, it wasn’t really going to be real until she held a live baby who was doing just fine (two of her losses occurred during the second trimester). It’s something that is tough to understand for women who have not gone through a miscarriage, so I can totally see not wanting to tell everyone: the more people know, they more people that expect you to be excitedly talking about it, and you would, if you could… but you’re stuck waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Annalisa says:
I found out I was pregnant for the first time right before I found out I was miscarrying. We had no time to tell anyone what was happening, so as a result, our families never heard about it (I was unspeakably sad, and I had a hard time talking to my therapist about it, I just couldn’t talk to anyone else about it).
With our daughter, the husband was the only person that knew, at four weeks. We waited four more weeks to tell our families, and told them they couldn’t tell family friends until we were farther along and things looked good. Boy, was that tough for some of them (“Can’t I just tell my best friend? No?”). Long story short, we had to do an amnio at 13 weeks, and once the results came back and we knew we were having a healthy baby girl, I finally felt okay fielding congratulations and questions about the pregnancy.
I’d say go with your gut. Mine told me that while I was happy about being pregnant, I just couldn’t handle talking about that kind of loss, so I needed to be sure things may just have turned out okay (FYI, I wasn’t really convinced everything was okay until we got our daughter in her car seat and drove home from the hospital with her). Yours might tell you something different.
Becky Mochaface says:
We actually just announced yesterday that I’m pregnant. We told immediate family as soon as we saw them in person. Close friends we told a little later. But we waited to tell the greater Facebook and Twitter community until 13 weeks. I was nervous about miscarrying since we had trouble conceiving and wanted to wait until I felt more confident.
Elizabeth says:
I never in a million years thought I’d lose my last pregnancy since everything had gone so perfectly with my first, so we told everyone very early on, probably around the 6 week mark. It just felt right to share our excitement. When I lost the pregnancy at 11 weeks I was beyond devastated, and for a split second it upset me the fact that so many people would ‘know’ that I’d lost it, but then I became very open about it and that was somewhat therapeutic for me. I hadn’t shared our excitement so publicly that I’d Facebooked it – I was going to do that after our first u/s, but lost the pregnancy 2 days before that appointment. I was really struggling emotionally from the loss, and started writing about it somewhat obsessively on my blog. Then I decided to post a ‘Note’ about it on Facebook, because I felt like the impact of what had happened to me was so huge for me, and if people consider themselves my ‘friends’, then they should be aware of what I was going through. The feedback I received was so amazing, and I was shocked to learn of so many women in my life who had been through a miscarriage, but hadn’t felt comfortable with sharing it until my dialogue opened the topic up, since so many people shy away from talking about it.
I was lucky to get pregnant again 4 months after the loss, and was so excited to be pregnant again…but also hesitant to share the news. We decided to wait till after our first u/s to decide what to do (although I did tell my parents before that). I thought about it, and felt the same way as you describe – even if something were to go wrong again, how could I not share the news with the people who are meant to be closest to me? If I suffered another loss, I wouldn’t be able to NOT tell people, at least not people I’m close to, because they’d have to know why I was feeling so depressed. At our early 6 wk u/s we ended up finding out it was twins, and that made up our minds for us – we couldn’t not share THAT news! I did end up waiting to share on FB till we’d had the next u/s at 12 weeks, but we told all our close friends and family right away. It just made sense, and I have no regrets – even if things hadn’t worked out for the best (I can be superstitious at times, but not about pregnancy and sharing the news ‘too early’!) I agree wholeheartedly that sharing the news as soon as it feels right for you is the best way to go – it’s HUGE news, why stifle it for 3 whole months?!
Val says:
I told my BF and one friend the day I peed on the stick. Once it was confirmed at the doctor a week later I told one more friend. Then we waited two weeks to tell my mom in person — on Mother’s Day. We waited three more weeks so I could tell my brother in person (we live on opposite coasts). At exactly 12 weeks, we told everyone else via Facebook.
It was important to me to wait until we were out of the “danger zone” because I am a private person. If something had gone wrong, I didn’t want to then have to put up another FB message detailing very private, personal and painful information. And, without fail, there is always ten people who didn’t see the second message and there you are explaining that you had a miscarriage… five months ago. It’s awkward for everyone.
Kristin says:
I agree. I don’t really see the point in waiting until the “safe period”. With my first we told everyone right away. I was young and happy and excited and I wanted everyone else to be excited with me. With my second pregnancy I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of December. With Christmas so close we decided to wait a few weeks and give the grandparents a baby rattle as a Christmas gift to tell them the good news. I ended up miscarrying on Dec 21st. I had to call my boss to tell her why I wasn’t coming to work and she was mad that I never told her I was pregnant. Then I had to tell our parents and it was just no fun. We told everyone right away with our third pregnancy. I didn’t want to have to do the whole “well I was pregnant but now I’m not” thing again. Luckily that pregnancy went well and she’s about to be 6.
I say don’t wait! At least for telling those closest to you.
Erin says:
I agree with not waiting to tell people. I had two miscarriages before two successful pregnancies. With each miscarriage, I needed my family and friends for support. I wasn’t going to just not tell them anything at all had happened. I didn’t see the point in not telling until later because if I did miscarry, I wasn’t going to keep it to myself anyway. Maybe people who are more private would like to keep it to themselves but you ( and I) are clearly not those people (hence the blog ;)) I do however see the point in waiting to tell your work.
Mary says:
I didn’t necessarily feel the same about it every time. I have had a lot of babies and a few miscarriages, and I didn’t really let the fear of miscarriage drive that decision. I felt like you…if I miscarried I was going to want to talk about it with my close friends and family. I knew that after the first one. I loved being pregnant and I love that I have a lot of kids, but sometimes I would take a few weeks to get used to the idea and be ready to talk about it. The more kids I had the later I talked about it…got tired of those judgy folks and their looks.
Katrina @ They All Call Me Mom says:
I think it depends on your past experiences. For example, I used to tell everyone just as soon as getting a positive pregnancy result! I figured, why wait? Let them celebrate with us! I’m excited and happy, and everyone I know should know why! Yayyyy a new pregnancy! A new baby is on the way! But now I’m the complete opposite. I’ve miscarried a few times since those earlier successful pregnancies, and those miscarriages changed me. Now I wait to tell. I wait until the end of that first trimester. I don’t even tell my family anymore, or my kids. Just my husband. Yes, it’s much more FUN to spread the news early, having everyone celebrate with you and all that…but after having multiple miscarriages in a row you really don’t go into the pregnancy all that excited anymore. You are very suspicious of it, you don’t trust it…you are waiting for it to end like all the others. What I hate is running into people weeks or even months later who “knew” I was pregnant (not from hearing it from me, but from word just getting around) but yet weren’t told that I had lost the pregnancy. So then I’d run into someone at the grocery store and they’d be all, “Hey there! Good to see you! Gosh, you look great! You’re barely showing. When is your due date?” and then I’d have to say, “Oh well, I’m not pregnant anymore. I miscarried about a month ago.” and then they’d get this look of sheer mortification on their face, and I’d feel awkward for them, and blahhh it’s just an awful feeling for the everyone. I’ve had this happen to me a few times. It sucks.
Katrina @ They All Call Me Mom says:
Oh, and I should add that if you have 4 or more kids these days and have a couple miscarriages after those successful pregnancies, you’ll get the “Well, this must be God’s way of telling you that you should not have more babies.” comment. Yeah, someone will say that, you can bet on it. And no matter if that comment is true or not, it’s always hurtful to hear it
Auntie_M says:
God would NEVER send a message to someone by breaking their heart. Utterly ridiculous! Makes me want to find & slap they people who said that to you! And I don’t even know you. That’s as bad as saying “God needed your child” more than you did. BS!
MECR says:
With our first, we told family right away. With our second one, we told right away because we had been trying for 9 years and FINALLY something was happening. I was high risk and miscarried at 10 wks. With our 3rd, we shared right away due to the extremely high risk of it all and just having to wait soooo long to be pregnant. Our 4th & 5th, twins, was right away because of the high risk thingy going on. We lost one twin just before birth….we didn’t even know they were twins until they were born….though suspected due to ‘odd’ things. 6th time right away. No use waiting at all.
Dana says:
My motto is ” there is NO safe time to tell”
My first pregnancy was perfect with no problems and ended in losing my daughter for no apparent reason at 35 weeks!
So after having a perfect pregnancy and it ended as bad as it could have, with my next 3 kids we told everyone right away.
I really don’t understand the people who wait. Bc If it were me, and I lost the baby even early on. I would want the support of family and friends and would be telling them anyway.
Wallydraigle says:
Almost immediately, both times. I figured a few things could happen:
1. We tell everyone. Baby makes it past the first trimester mark. Yay!
2. We don’t tell everyone until the baby makes it past the first trimester mark. Yay!
3. We tell everyone. Baby doesn’t make it. I am really sad. Friends support me. Not exactly yaaay!, but better than…
…4. We wait until first trimester, but baby doesn’t make it. Friends don’t know. I am sad but hate talking about my feelings, so no one knows that I’m sad. It’s super awkward and unhappy and I become resentful of my non-mind-reading friends who possibly say things that make me feel worse (“When are you going to have another?” “How many babies do you want?”). Bad!
So, the way I see it, telling right away is win-win. Not telling has the potential to be very unpleasant. But that’s just for me and my personality. I know not everyone works the same way.
Amanda says:
I think you should do whatever feels right for you. That said, don’t think I am a stalker when I read ASAP every morning to make sure you got another day closer to your prize.
After Annabel I wrote that you needed to wait a while because my nerves were shot. It’s very stressful for me…
Hope, hope, hope for great success!
Auntie_M says:
Having never been pregnant, I’ll never know…but I know I love knowing when friends/family are pregnant as soon as they’ll tell me!!! (The worst is when I can tell & they haven’t told me yet–cuz you never want to ask a woman if she’s pg! LOL But somehow I can always tell early on!)
I like counting down the weeks & days with them…and if something tragic happens, I want to be there for them fully–whatever they need, however they need it.
But ultimately, each parent is different & I respect that.
Here’s hopin’ n prayin’ for some good news that the Sporhs are indeed multiplying once again!
Auntie G says:
I have been pregnant four times and have two living children. I’m a waiter when it comes to telling. We have fertility issues, and there is just so much pain wrapped in up in getting pregnant and staying pregnant that for us, it is “easier” to wait until we feel more like celebrating, which is when the odds are better that the pregnancy will go to term. I don’t think there’s a “right” time to tell; it is your decision. I have VERY STRONG feelings about people who announce right away — but those feelings are MINE and they are all about JEALOUSY over people who can celebrate immediately — in my mind, I assume that means they don’t fear or even think about loss, even though rationally I know that isn’t true for everyone. I am an ugly, angry griever, and I would prefer never to have to tell anyone that I’m miscarrying, because even the most loving, well-meaning friends’s responses anger me — because I’m just so very hurt over the loss — and the tiniest thread of humanity that I possess during those times thinks, don’t make this worse by lashing out at the people who love you. (I wouldn’t use me as a model of rational behavior, in other words! But that’s how I cope.)
Auntie G says:
…friends’. Apparently latent grief also makes me a bad speller.
SJS149 says:
This is such a very, very personal thing. My husband’s culture is deeply superstitious and believes in waiting til your big old belly is obvious to all but the most myopic among us, while my family kind of believes you have the right to enjoy your joy and have to be strong to bear it when you have to handle pain. I kind of like their style but I understand both sides. Any kind of loss like this is terribly painful. Like in all painful things in life, Heather, focus on the joyous things, the positives, especially your spectacular little girl and the baby you are hoping for! Whether you try once more or a few more times, be strong and do what’s right for you and your family be it sharing or keeping your news close.
Kayt says:
I had to tell early with my first one because I spent most of that pregnancy with my head in a trashcan hurling. I think I was nine weeks when I figured it out/told everyone?
My second pregnancy, we were soooo excited and thrilled, I told my family and closest friends immediately, and my closest coworkers within a week of that, too. I lost that pregnancy at eight weeks, and it was nice to have that support system around me in both environments.
I’m due in two weeks with baby number two (Whoooo hoooo!) and I did the same thing again, telling the closest friends and family immediately, and the closest couple of coworkers not long after. We announced to the acquaintances and FB around 14 weeks? We haven’t had the level of complications you guys go through, but I’ve had some scares and some medium risk things happen, so the rigamarole of check ups and monitoring and such has taken its toll on all of us, and having a strong, supportive work environment and the family support from the start has really made it easier to handle.
Kelly says:
Agree with many others that have said it truly is a personal decision and no one way is the right way for all.
For us, we believe in having friends share in our joy, as well as our pain/sorrow – so we told family and friends early with both my 2nd and 3rd pregnancies. The 1st pregnancy was an ectopic (unbeknownst to me at the time), and I had waited until the 12 week mark to let my family know – literally 2 days before all hell broke loose. When I had to have emergency surgery to remove my fallopian tube, my husband told all our close friends. They were only there for the sadness part, and I think a few of them felt badly that they were never able to celebrate our joy with us, even though it was short-lived.
After that experience, we wanted to share all the joy and excitement, despite our fears and reservations. So glad we shared it with our close family and friends early…I have no regrets about it. And the truly fun part was being surprised in the delivery room with their gender – there’s nothing better than that “It’s a boy/girl” moment!! I told my husband it was my motivation to push right up until the end.
Molly says:
I kinda like the way pregnancy is an inherently in-between time. The hoped-for event hasn’t happened, yet, but we’re on the right track and wouldn’t it be great if it would?! Our lives don’t have enough gray areas. I say embrace it. People can handle the gray.
Caroline says:
I had three miscarriages before my daughter, then an ectopic and another miscarriage before my son. I’ve told people right away and I’ve waited as long as 16 weeks when I just wasn’t sure it was going to “stick”. For us, waiting was better. Telling people I was pregnant and then having to follow up with the news that I had miscarried made the miscarriage harder. I always told my parents and close friends but I didn’t tell anyone outside of the inner circle. Everyone is different though and you have to do what feels right for you. I just found out I’m pregnant again and I won’t be telling anyone until I see the heartbeat at 12 weeks and I know that I can celebrate along with the people I tell.
Kayla says:
I’m a big advocate for do whatever feels right for you. Be that the moment you find out, seven weeks, second trimester, four months…what have you, just do what you feel most comfortable with.
That being said, I’d love to know from the start so we can all cheer with you along the way, every step of it! Best of luck girl!
Leah says:
With my son (my first) I waited until 15 weeks and I’m not sure my close friend and college roomate has ever quite forgiven me. But as one of the other commenters said it felt very private and I needed the time to get my head around it. After he was born, I was furious at my husband’s aunt for posting a newborn snapshot on Facebook–he was safe in my belly and now he’s on the internet? (Now that seems like a bit of an overreaction … the early days of being a parent feel kind of adolescent in retrospect.)
With my daughter I probably waited until ten weeks or so. Something a little more reasonable.
Autumn Canter says:
I tell all as soon as I get the news out to the essentials (husband, family, closest friends). So everyone knows I’m pregnant within 24 hours of me finding out. I feel the same way about it as you do.
Chrissy says:
I spilled the beans with the pregnancy test still in the middle of changing. I was so excited I called everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew that if something went wrong, I’d never be able to hide my pain anyway. I wanted to spread my joy!
AmandaPN says:
We told almost immediately with all three. With the last one, we waited a bit since we found out the day we were flying to Alaska. My husband told his family while we were there and then when we got home, I announced on Facebook with a cute picture of my kids (the last post on my blog, actually). It was awesome, but I did miscarry. I don’t regret sharing – I just posted that I had miscarried and everyone was great. That photo really makes me sad, though.
Sherry says:
I’m sorry to hear about that, Amanda. Your two little ones are darling though, they’ll be great big siblings in the future I bet!
AmandaPN says:
Thanks, Sherry! I think they will, too.
My son was so disappointed and still talks about the baby who died. When we told him, he said, “But… but.. I LOVED that baby.” OMG, he broke my heart.
Sherry says:
We announced it the moment we found out. I was a smidge hesitant at first but my husband basically said what you mentioned….why wait for the what-if’s? He was right. I know everyone chooses what’s best for them, but we choose to be happy and have positive thoughts throughout. Luckily for us, both pregnancies went smoothly.
Meg says:
With our first, we told our families around week 5, and then everyone else after we had the first u/s (week 7ish.) Made the facebook announcement at 12 weeks. With this one, I felt more superstitious. We still told family and very close friends before the first u/s, but didn’t really tell anyone else until after the 12 week scan.
I’m with you though – it’s interesting to me how arbitrary the timeline is. I know the statistic say once you hit 12 weeks you’re in the clear, but the truth is not that simple. We had a lot of friends experience still births and the death of a child while we were pregnant with our first – I didn’t feel like anything was going to be okay until we had our daughter in our arms. Still feeling the same way with #2.
Can’t wait for your announcement. Sending good thoughts your way.
Amy A. says:
With my first I waited until after the first trimester, I was getting married at the 12 week mark, so we thought it just better to wait until after the wedding. With number two, I waited to tell my family (husband included) because his sister was visiting us and she had just finished an unsuccessful IVF. I think I was about 10 weeks when the news came out. I was pregnant again when baby #2 was about 10 months old, but I missed all the signs myself with a 10 month old and a 2 1/2 year old. When I went to the doctor she thought I was 4 months along and scheduled an ultrasound for the next week. I had told my family and friends right away. At the ultrasound we discovered that I was carrying twins, about 18 weeks, and they had died. I was very thankful that I had told people because it was nice to have their support. I tried again and quickly became pregnant with #3. I told at friends and family right away, but waited to tell at work until after summer vacation, that was fun to come back to school and be 7 months pregnant! And with #4 my husband and I kept it to ourselves for about 4 months, it was nice having a little secret together, we were also a little annoyed by people who ask, “have you figured out how that happens yet!?”
If I ever get pregnant again, I would tell the world right away. A baby should be celebrated. And if something were to happen I would want the support of those around me.
kakali says:
Heather,
We love you and your family very much. We always want you to have all the happiness in the world. I am sure you know about the positive energy. You get that all the time from us, from your close friends and relatives. Positive energy is very powerful and when you get that from all over the world you will get your dream. You don’t have to stay in fear. You will get a very beautiful , healthy and smart child just like your other two children and I know that from my heart. Your readers including me always tell you that you and Mike make the most beautiful baby and it is true. Maddie was smart and her beauty was divine. Annie is very intelligent and extremely beautiful. We wish you best of luck ! Stay happy Heather and be very positive. Your health is just fine to have a baby. There are so many complications of the mothers that we hear all the time. You can do it, your body can do it and we are with you.
Love you very much.
Christina says:
I got pregnant the first time and told family right away at Christmas. I miscarried after the New Year. I promised myself then and there that I wouldn’t tell people early ever again. I got pregnant again a few months later, only told my husband and 2 close friends. I’m so glad I didn’t tell everyone because that was a miscarriage too. Perhaps I’m wired differently because most people disagree with me but it doesn’t bring me any comfort to have support from others. I only stress out about disappointing people. I still feel like a huge disappointment to family, friends and my husband. Not looking for sympathy here, I’m just saying I need to keep things logical. I know it’s not my fault but not having to worry about others’ feelings helps me during hard times. Not to mention that I’m super private and I don’t like sharing very personal information with just anyone. I wouldn’t mind telling that I’m pregnant but I don’t want to talk about miscarriages with people at work (with 3 good-friend exceptions).
AmyG says:
My first one was a shock. I was at work when someone convinced me to take a test, so I did it on my lunch break, lol. I couldn’t believe it. I told only those at work & my Mom until I was about 5 months pregnant. My 2nd pregnancy, again wasn’t planned, I told some close friends, but it ended in a miscarriage at 11 weeks. My last pregnancy, as soon as the test showed I was pregnant, I told everyone who would listen!
Sarah says:
Something has always come up – frequently my breakfast, haha – that forced my hand and had me telling everyone around the six week mark. Sudden rescheduling of my life to accommodate doctors’ appts did it the first time, morning sickness the second time. But after 8 years of infertiliy I was planning on staying mum “the next time” til we were “safe”. When it finally happened, I was so stunned I didn’t care about supposedly safe dates anymore. I just wanted the baby, MY baby, desperately wanted for long, to be celebrated every second she or he was alive. We told everyone almost right away. We would’ve anyway,
Morning sickness was absurd, but regardless of whether or not we lost her, I wanted everyone to share in the joy we had at discovering we were really truly finally pregnant!
And thankfully she arrived safely just 3 days past her due date.
Jeannine says:
Prior to having our (now 6 week old!) daughter, I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks along. My husband and I didn’t tell any of our friends and family about the miscarriage (mostly due to us only being 20 at the time), so when I got pregnant with our girl 4 years later we didn’t tell anyone until after we had passed that scary 8 week mark. When we have more babies, we probably won’t wait to tell our close friends and family.
Margaret says:
I’ve had two kids. Both times I was able to have an early ultrasound (son: light bleeding, daughter: dating), so I was able to see a heartbeat at around 6-7 weeks, at which point I felt “safe”. Also, I had a print-out! It was real! We told family almost immediately, friends trickled until we realized that there were very few people left to tell and then facebook after the first trimester. The way I figure it, I will tell anyone whom I would also feel comfortable sharing news of a miscarriage with. This actually widens the circle for me a bit. You never, ever know what can happen. I have friends who’ve lost newborns. You might as well share in the joy while you can!
Cheryl says:
My first pregnancy we told my parents right away, other family and friends at 14 weeks, just to find out that our son would not survive at 20 weeks. With our second (miscarriage) and third (twins) we told immediate family (parents, siblings) and super-close friends right away for the support. My colleagues at work figured out I was pregnant the third time because I was in maternity clothes at 8 weeks. Other friends and family didn’t find out until after the 20 week ultrasound or after the twins were born.
Jodi D. says:
26 weeks. Yep. I’m sure people knew, but I didn’t want to talk about it. After losing a baby in the 3rd trimester, I couldn’t bear the – is this your 1st, are you excited, yada yada yada. No, No, and No! With the next one, I started telling at 10 weeks, only because I had to puke on rounds in a trash can. Talk about embarassing!
Jessica says:
I lost my first pregnancy at 8w3d, and I HATED that there were people (like my in laws) who didn’t know until it was too late. With my second pregnancy, we were more cautious and planned to wait until 12w, but then I had early (4-5w) complications and turned to my mom (a nurse) and the beans were spilled a bit. Things were complicated for a couple weeks, and many people found out as I dealt with the many doctors appointments and second opinions and “what are fibroids?” Best laid plans and all that…
Amy says:
I lost 4 babies to miscarriage, 2 of them in the second trimester. It’s very hard for people to understand the loss you are feeling if they never knew the excitement and anticipation you had.And you really need your friends’ support after a miscarriage. So in that sense, I agree that it is fine to tell folks right away. On the other hand, running into acquaintances who congratulated me and said things like, “oh, you’re showing now!”, a few days after the procedures following my 2nd trimester miscarriage were INCREDIBLY painful. Sending the “I lost the baby” email was hideous, and obviously I didn’t send it to enough people. So I’m torn. We never tried again after the most devasting loss so I am not sure what I’d do today. I think there is no right answer, like most things in parenting, only the right answer for YOU.
Amy says:
That one always confused me. You are PREGNANT!! Wonderful news! To be shared with those dear to us.
Even after suffering a miscarriage at 3 months I did not regret telling anyone. Because anyone near and dear to me was there to express their sadness and give support to us.
I do not understand the fear that you tell and then lose the baby. Who on earth would want to keep such a blessing and then sadness to themselves? Life happens. Why keep such a huge event secret?
Jayme says:
I’ve taken to telling immediately, because I’ve learned through our losses that I prefer having the support from day one. Then if something does happen, friends and family understand why I’m not myself, and even if everything goes ok, they know why I’m all paranoid.
Lisa N says:
I never really understood the point of baby books saying when the “right” time to tell is. It’s really going to vary so much depending on the persons personality, the type of relationship the have with friends and family, and their work environment. All those things affect and possibly change and which point one would want to share their news.
That being said I’m mostly a “tell right away” girl. With my oldest daughter my husband didn’t want to tell anyone until we had confirmation from an MD, which fortunately for me was at about six weeks. We told everyone! Same thing for my next three, we told almost as soon as we knew. However, my fourth pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and I found it really difficult to be approached by people I wasn’t close in public asking me “how ARE you?” I knew their heart was un the right place, but my automatic internal reaction was, “Really? You want to have this conversation in public? If you really cared maybe you’d call me or visit me and really lete talk about it!” Anyway, the next time I got pregnant I found I didn’t want to tell anyone, and I pretty much didn’t. Then when I miscarried again it really sucked to not have had anyone know and have to explain the whole story to try and get any support from friends and family. :p So, with my last pregnancy, we told close friends and family right away, askim them to keep it quiet, and then told the world at large once we’d got to the “safe” point. (both my miscarriages were at about 9 weeks). Now I’m done, so
I don’t have to decide anymore. I think women should do what feels best for them and their partner and no one else should care. It’s their news to share and they should be able to share when they want to, not when society or some book tells them it’s “right”.
Emily says:
I had an early miscarriage, at 6 weeks with my first pregnancy, and had already started to tell my close friends. Some of my close friends still didn’t know about it though, and I found it far more painful telling those who hadn’t known I was pregnant at all, that I had been pregnant, and now was not, than telling those who had known I was pregnant.
Part of that was because for those who hadn’t known , their reaction was often excitement that I was even trying, and because it had been a very early miscarriage, it didn’t really register for them as a significant event.
Anyway, I am now pregnant again (16 weeks now) and I tried to tell all close friends early on, because I, like you didn’t want to have to deal with the ‘I was pregnant, now I’m not’ conversations!
I think the standard advice about not telling people til the second trimester is extremely isolating!
Jennifer says:
With my 1st I told everyone right away – I was too excited not to tell! With the 2nd I waited – not because I wasn’t excited but because I was divorced and I knew everyone would be judging. I finally told when I got the flu and couldn’t stop puking and thought it was hyperemesis!! This time though was the best. My partner and I planned for a long time but shared with few people. After our 2nd try using an anonymous donor, we were shocked to find out we were pregnant. I was 3 weeks! We couldn’t see the doctor until 9 weeks – so we waited until then to tell everyone including big brother and sister. The thought of something going wrong is always terrifying but thinking of my 8 and 10 year old dealing with it to killed me. We are almost 25 weeks now. I am older and more realistic now (I work in a NICU and on high risk OB so I see everything that goes wrong). But we are excited and hopeful about our baby girl!!
Marin D says:
I say tell when you want. Anything can happen at any time (as you are most certainly aware). Why not have the ear and sympathy of those around you if something tragic happens? I told as soon as it was confirmed by my doctor. I wouldn’t have been able to hide it because I was sick upon conception but it wouldn’t have changed when I told people. I also figured if I miscarried, I would want the love and support of my friends and family.
I told my sister the same thing when she told me and said she was afraid to say something because she’d had some bleeding. I said I would rather know that you were struggling through the loss than be oblivious and possibly seem insensitive.
Amanda says:
I’m on my third pregnancy since April, and I can’t bring myself to tell anyone but my husband. I’m not even ready to tell myself it’s for real.
April says:
I’m currently 17 weeks along with our very first, and we didn’t tell anyone for the first 3 weeks that we knew! We had only barely started trying, and finding out we were pregnant was a very happy thing, and also a LOT to wrap our heads around. I was pretty overwhelmed! I needed more time to absorb it before sharing. And those few weeks were an important time for me and my husband, we had so many frank discussions – without any regard to anyone else. We told our parents when we were around 7 weeks – which was also the first time we saw them in person – and we happened to have our first US that day too, which was perfect. We told our closest friends a week after that, mostly on the phone, and just now put it on Facebook, once we found out that she’s a girl (now THAT was really exciting – so much joy that day – less overwhelming than finding out we were preggo!) I also agree with the previous comment that said they don’t want to tell casual friends too soon because 9 months is a long time – I just don’t really feel like it’s worth talking about with casual acquaintances. It’s still such a personal thing – not small talk!