After my D&C, Dr. Hirisk told me to wait two months/cycles before we could try again. To be honest, it was kind of a relief. It meant two months of not tracking what day it was, or using ovulation sticks. I didn’t have to think much about what I ate or drank. I could exercise as hard as I wanted, or not at all. Most of all, I could focus on Annie in a way my previous summer plans (puking my guts out) wouldn’t have made easy. It almost felt like a vacation.

But, that “vacation” is drawing to an end, and I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I really want that new member of our family to be here. I wish that baby could be here already. I’m ready for the all-night feedings and the love and smells and diapers and cuddles. I’m so ready for Annie to be a big sister. I want her to have a sibling relationship. I want to see her nurture and kiss and love a little brother or sister.

Except, I don’t know. It means gearing up again…mentally, emotionally, physically. I have to prepare myself for negative ovulation and pregnancy tests. I have to be able to handle disappointment. I need to not freak out when I realize, for the millionth time, that I have very little control.

And of course, there’s the fear that I’ll miscarry again. Or worse.

For now, I am just going to focus on the rest of my vacation…and maybe think about extending it.