So my appointment yesterday…I am going to start by saying that Mike and I had already decided, even before we didn’t see a heartbeat, that this OB wasn’t going to be a keeper. We wanted to switch to an OB Dr. Hirisk had worked with on the regular, and he’d never even spoken with this OB. To paraphrase Dr. Hirisk, he is the one who writes the recipe, and the OB is the one who follows it. That’s why we wanted to switch to an OB that he recommended, to take advantage of that familiarity and teamwork. (UCLA seems to be the only hospital around here where the perinatologist actually deliver the babies. I miss UCLA.) Then I miscarried and we figured we’d switch with the next pregnancy.

Anyway. As I sat on the exam table with a paper drape across my bottom half, I told Mike that I hoped the pathology was back on the pregnancy tissue. I wasn’t sure enough time had passed. The OB came in and instead of preparing for my pelvic exam, she sat on a chair, looked at me, and said, “The lab called, and they told me that there was only YOUR tissue in the sample I sent, none from the pregnancy. So they couldn’t test for chromosomes or any of the other tests they were going to run.”

It was one of the few times in my life where I have LITERALLY been speechless. I think my brain was like, “Cut off all ability to speak! Only hate-filled swear words will escape her lips!” I could hear Mike saying things but I couldn’t tell you what he said. I remember thinking, “I’m never going to know what caused this miscarriage.” At some point I refocused on the OB and I realized she was asking me if she could do the pelvic exam. I said OK and laid back.

The exam hurt, although that was more a product of the situation than the OB – anyone that’s had a speculum exam knows they aren’t exactly a relaxing massage. Add in some probing, prodding and pushing on my poor sore uterus and you get the idea. When she was done she told us she wanted to do a blood test because she couldn’t rule out the presence of tissue. Meaning, the D&C might not have removed everything. Meaning, you know, she might not have removed everything.

Mike asked her what my options would be if there WAS still tissue present. I can either a) wait a bit longer to see if the tissue passes naturally; b) take methotrexate to help jump-start my body into passing the tissue; or c) have another D&C. Mike and I will be going with option d) never seeing this OB again. If the test results come back indicating remaining tissue, my perinatologist will advise us on our next steps.

I know this OB has delivered many, many babies and lots of people love her. She’s just not the right OB for me.

I am supposed to get the results of the blood test sometime this morning. I am hoping everything checks out because I’m tired of always being the person who has the random complication. I am trying to stay positive. I want to heal. I have a big summer of fun with Annie planned, and I am not going to let this prolonged situation get in the way of that.