I get through my days by working toward little moments and events. Sometimes it’s as simple as, “just a few more hours until that TV show starts,” or “tomorrow I have an ultrasound.” Other times it’s a bigger event, like someone coming to visit or maybe a ticket to a baseball game or lunch with friends. This last month I’ve had a lot of things to carry me through, which is good because I’m coming up on the hardest day of the hardest month – Madeline’s birthday on the eleventh of November.
I know you’re probably thinking, “but you have a baby to look forward to!” And of course I do. But there are a few things to keep in mind. First, she hopefully won’t be coming for 12-14 more weeks. That amount of time is too overwhelming for me to contemplate as sometimes I don’t know how I will make it through another minute, let alone another month or three. Second, even though I already love Binky immeasurably, I have a shield up around my heart that won’t come down until she is here safely.
Basically, grief and pregnancy (either separate or intertwined) are marathons, and you have to get through each mile however you can.
November and December are going to be uphill battles, but I had a trip planned for the last week of October that was going to give me a running start. A few days in Boston followed by several more days in the city I used to live in, New York. Spending time with friends I see so very rarely but also doing work that gives me self-worth and feelings of normalcy. Never ever getting away from my grief, but giving it space and room to breathe in different surroundings. A final trip before I hunkered down for the winter and the duration of Binky’s gestation. And then, just a few days before take off, I was grounded.
I am at the point in my pregnancy where Dr. Risky is not only uncomfortable with me flying, she doesn’t want me to travel at ALL. To say I was surprised would be an understatement. I’ve made several long and short flights with no problems. But it was explained to me that at this point in my pregnancy the pressure of take-off and landing could rupture my membranes – something that isn’t an issue for most pregnant women in their sixth month, but since I have a history of my water breaking early, it is for me.
Truth be told, until I was actually banned from travel, I thought I was prepared for it to happen. I would tell people, “well, assuming my doctor will let me, I will be traveling that week.” But I wasn’t. I thought that something would have to happen to prevent me from going anywhere (and believe me, I’m glad nothing has happened). The problem is, I’ve spent so much time trying not to let my first pregnancy influence my thoughts about this one that I forgot it HAS TO influence my doctor’s thoughts about this one. I’d somehow, despite the weekly check ups and daily shots and multiple medications, managed to fool myself into thinking I am a normal pregnant women with a normal pregnancy. I let myself get my hopes up, and I got hideously disappointed.
I am certainly not someone who needs perspective. Binky is kicking away inside me and that gives me comfort. But now I have to come to grips that my boost into the end of the year isn’t happening. I am also going to have a difficult time keeping my fears at bay when I know they are based on a history that is being considered weekly.
It’s only going to get harder to find the little moments to help get me through this marathon.
I’m so sorry, Heather. Your disappointment is palpable and totally understandable. Any distraction at this stage must make the time go by easier.
You are still in my thoughts every day and ESPECIALLY will be in the months coming.
I am so sorry. This has got to be hugely disappointing. I am so glad you have Dr Risky though. She sounds like an amazing doctor.
May you find many of those “little moments” and may they string themselves out over the next several months. Thinking of you in Maine.
It sucks that your trip got canceled. I wish, we all wish, there was something we could do to help carry you through these coming weeks. Can any of your friends that you were going to go visit come to visit you instead? I know it’s short notice and it’s not the same as going somewhere yourself, but maybe it would help? You and Mike and your families and little Rigby will most definitely be in my thoughts and prayers more than ever as this especially difficult time approaches. (((hugs)))
catherine lucas says:
Keep looking for those little moments… It might become harder to find them for a while, but at the same time every day that passes Binky is coming a bit closer to be in your arms. Every day she is inside you is a gain. I don’t know what to say to you concerning Madeline’s birthday. What is there to say? Her birthday will always be a special date for you, with hopes and wishes dashed. Your heart is glued together, but the cracks will always be there…
.-= catherine lucas´s last blog ..The Cotswolds Chronicles Part 1 =-.
Hmmm, again, totally not the same thing as going on the trip you had planned, but if it’s ok for you to go by car to Vegas, maybe you and some of your friends could go to New York New York. Not the same thing and maybe you aren’t even up to that right now, but it might be a short distraction. Although I can’t remember if people smoke in casinos, last time I was in one I think they did – that wouldn’t be ok. I just know you, Mike and your friends will find something to replace part of that lost trip and I hope you have fun! .
Good Morning dear sweet Mama Spohr,
I’m so sorry to read today that you have had to cancel your trips to Boston and New York. What a huge disappointment for you. I hope you will find lots of special little moments to keep you going especially during the months of November and December. Your readers and fans all over the world are all here with you, holding your hand from afar and wrapping you in our arms from afar. You are always in my thoughts, as you are always in the thoughts of all the people both near and far away from you who love you so very much. You are surrounded by such love. Every day is bringing you closer to the day that you will hold the second love of your life, the extra special Binky Bean, in your arms. I’m thinking of you always and especially these next days with the run up to your precious Maddie’s birthday. We’re all here for you.
Take extra special care of yourself, lovely lady, and Binky Bean, you keep saying Hi to your Mama with your kicks.
Because I know your family and local friends are awesome, by everything you write about them, I know they will work hard to create the moments you (so understandably) need to get through. I am so sorry you had to cancel your trip. Of course it was the right thing to do to keep you and Binky safe, but still, UGH. It’s still so hard to hear when you were looking forward to something.
xo from CT,
.-= amanda´s last blog ..man, that was hard. =-.
mary c says:
I just wanted you to know that not for one second would I think and hope that nobody else would think that you shouldn’t be sad for Maddie’s big day just because you are pregnant. I can’t imagine the pain you must feel. I read a little piece here of how you feel most days and its heart breaking. I just want you to know that for the years to come on Maddie’s day and the days that follow, I will be here for you, as your virtual friend, to read whatever it is you have to write.
Kristen McD says:
What a disappointment. I’m sorry you’ve been grounded. I hope some more moments find their way to you.
I am so sorry you are grounded – that just stinks.
.-= ClassyFabSarah´s last blog ..Giveaways =-.
Shannon Kieta says:
Perhaps your friends could come to you! Maybe you all could get together and stomp around YOUR grounds! It may not be New York, but hey, when Bink is about 6months, you can take her there and show her off! It will be summer! You have to whatever it takes to keep you and Bink safe and staying put for the next 12-14 weeks! Those are orders from your sister!!!!! You are a bone-head like me! I think we really ARE related! I was running the sweeper the day after I came home from having a C-Section! I thought my husband was going to KILL me! BONE-HEAD! I know Maddie’s Bitrthday will be hard for you. Do what I did. Make a cake, sing, and celebrate anyway! My sister’s birthday was June 23rd. She will be with you….always!!! Luv You!!!! Shannon
Hang in there sweetie. Still praying for the four of you often!
.-= Candice´s last blog ..Is trash really that complicated? =-.
Tricia (irishsamom) says:
So sorry Heather that you can’t make it on that trip. I know how much those little moments of reprieve must mean to you. I hope that you can maybe have some people come to you over the next few months to ensure you have some distraction.
I know that it seems like a marathon. Eighteen weeks of bedrest had me feeling that time was moving too slowly to bear. But it’s a marathon well worth running and you will do it with grace, like everything else you do.
You’re in our hearts and prayers, along with sweet Madeline and Mike and Binky every day.
Hugs and encouragement,
.-= Tricia (irishsamom)´s last blog ..Remembering 9/11 – Repost – 8 Years =-.
Anna Marie Hinnant says:
I’m so sorry you had to miss your trip. That sucks. I know these next few months are going to be terribly hard – my hope for you is that the little moments find you at the most unexpected times.
another heartbreakingly beautiful post……i am so sorry that you are “grounded” and hope that time goes by very quickly during these next few months until Binky arrives safely.
Nellie - New York says:
Your heart and soul humble me!
I hope that you and Mike will ALWAYS be surrounded by prayers, hugs, peace and love to guide you through the hardest and most unbearable times of your grieving.
I have been thinking about you a lot lately because of Maddie’s birthday coming up. Don’t let anyone say that just because you have a baby to look forward to that it will make that day easier. That is just ridiculous. I have been through the grieving process due to the loss of my father when I was 12. I have also been through pregnancy. I just cannot imagine what you must be going through. You are a true warrior and you are going to make it through. My grieving process was different because I feel like the loss of a child cannot be compared to any other loss. And my pregnancies are like a walk in the park compared to yours. You are so strong – don’t ever forget that.
It is completely understandable that Maddie’s birthday will be tough. Having another baby on the way is wonderful, but you will still mourn Maddie. And duh! That will happen every single year. This is your grief, and you can’t do it wrong — people that say otherwise should be ignored.
I’ll send some extra strong thoughts to you and Mike on the 11th…
.-= Jill´s last blog ..Memories =-.
My Olivia would be 10 this coming January 2, when I went into the hospital to deliver her I came home with Gestational trophoblastic diseases and a treatment plan for chemo… and not my little girl.
I love my two girls to absolute bits, but I have to be honest and say that it still hurts when I think of Olivia. That grief has nothing to do with my other two, it stands alone and seperate from my love for them, but it still exists.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..It’s been a rough few weeks =-.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
We’re cheering for you on this difficult marathon… our thoughts and prayers will be like cool glasses of water that we hold out for you as you sweat these last 3 months.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Yikes! We’re out of sleeping elixir! =-.
Today sounds like it has been a tough one for you. I’m sorry you are down and that things are feeling extra extra tough to get through. I do hope that you are able to find some joy even though you can’t travel. As always you are in our prayers and thoughts and I will say an extra one for you guys tonight.
.-= charlane´s last blog ..My favorite =-.
Oh man, that sucks. Sorry. I know, I know…it’s all for the safety of Binky…blah, blah, blah…but that would have been a really cool trip. NYC in the fall? Bring it on.
All I can say, is maybe next year? With Binky in tow?
.-= JennK´s last blog ..Flipping through my V-cards. =-.
DesignHER Momma says:
ugh, that stinks that you’re grounded. You nailed in on the head – pregnancy is a marathon (even for gals like me, with relatively no complications or major worries). I’m thinking about you, praying these last few months go by quickly for you.
.-= DesignHER Momma´s last blog ..Blogger Belly – 36 weeks =-.
As much as I want you here with me, I know how important it is that you stay where you are for now. But dude, it’s on when you, Mike and Binky get here. Love you to pieces.
.-= maya´s last blog ..Dear Body =-.
We’ll be thinking of you every step of the way through the next few months. I marked November 11th on my calendar. My heart hurts — I wish you could take your trips and derive some solace from your friends and work. You guys are not alone.
Please take good care of yourself – I know you will, but take it easy on your heart too.
Thousands of people are pulling for you, Binky, Mike and Maddie.
Yes, pulling for Maddie, always. For her memory, her loving energy and spirit that surrounds you, Mike and Binky.
.-= deej´s last blog ..Don’t Look Back =-.
Heather, I saw your twitter comments about not going and I was so very disappointed for you! i know that these trips were something you were really looking forward to! I wish I had something wise and profound to say but I don’t. I just want to say that you will get through this, and in the meantime when times are hard for you, we are all here for you! Love from AZ, Patty
.-= Patty´s last blog ..I Am =-.
Momma Uncensored says:
we are cyber-here for you.
you can do this.
I’m so sad to hear that you can’t travel until Binky is born. Please do know that whenever you have a moment, you can turn to your internet friends for maybe a little measure of solace. I know we are all here for you, all the time.
So sad for you that you can’t go. I’m sure the girls miss you being there as much as you miss going.
ali (adil320) says:
I know how dissapointed you are, and I am so sad for you.
Sigh…and I was so looking forward to a very gentle love tackle for Heather. It will have to wait for BH.
I’m sending you much strengh to get through these next few months, I know that they are going to be hard as hell. Good thing you and Mike are up there with the strongest people I know…and we are there to help if we can.
.-= ali (adil320)´s last blog ..Lions and Tigers and Bears Oh My! =-.
Maybe this could give you an excuse to find a traveling mani/pedi salon? Or an at-home spa treatment? Surely there’s a company in LA that could come to your house and give you a day…or two, or three. Maybe each of us could start sending you something little to try to make your day a bit brighter. If we all did, your place would be so crowded, your mind might be occupied trying to get everything stashed into a space. I’m sure it’s disappointing and I know how much a person needs the distraction to help get through the holidays, the birthdays, and all the special days in between. Although my loss was my husband to cancer two weeks after our daughter’s birth, it’s only been a year and I remember how I wanted to run away during the holidays. So I hope that somehow, your interwebs and your IRL friends will help you get through.
Maybe you could present via Web cam.
Heather, it would never occur to me to think that your grief for Maddie would be less acute because of Binky. Binky is and will be a source of joy, but it would seem to me that grief isn’t an equation — add a little joy and you reduce the grief.
I just want you to know that I (and many of your readers) would not expect your grief to be lessened by Binky. It seems to me that the emotions of the two experiences — a loss and a new baby — are separate in their intensity. No equation, for better or for worse.
Thinking of you and your family today and every day. Truly.
april in NJ says:
“it would seem to me that grief isn’t an equation — add a little joy and you reduce the grief.”
That’s a very powerful statement J made and it sums it up. I hope people don’t assume that having Binky somehow negates the sadness you feel for Maddie. They’re 2 different people, 2 different emotions, 2 different experiences. I can only hope that Binky makes you smile a bit more and remember Maddie all the more fondly and with love–but she’ll never take away what has passed. We’re all praying for you and maybe being grounded is a good thing… I’m sure now it doesn’t seem so… but things always happen for a reason. I know we all want Binky to arrive safe and happy and healthy!
love and hugs from NJ.
Oh, Heather: take care of yourself in November.
I dread the day, too.
Mishelle Lane says:
I know a bunch of us that will keep cheering from you and throwing cups of water at your from the sidelines while you keep up in the marathon. They throw cups of water at the marathon runners, right?
.-= Mishelle Lane´s last blog ..Time for Some Retail Therapy =-.
Kelley Land says:
I can’t imagine how disappointed you are to lose this trip. It’s not fair that this had to happen when you looked forward to it with so much expectation and hope. I’m sure it’s difficult to get your hopes up about anything these days. And now they’ve been crushed again. As you pass these days up to Maddie’s birthday, a day when she should be here, turning 2 with the biggest bash you could create for her, know that we are all thinking of you. We are praying for many more moments of hope that will help you along this journey.
.-= Kelley Land´s last blog ..The Doctor: To Go or Not to Go =-.
Today let’s have a partay celebrating an intact amniotic sac! We can hashtag it #heatherssac !
ali (adil320) says:
Dawn, this is why I love you!
Whoot for #heatherssac !
.-= ali (adil320)´s last blog ..Lions and Tigers and Bears Oh My! =-.
Oh Heather, I’m so sorry you weren’t able to go to Boston. Sucks. It just plain sucks.
I’m laughing at Dawn’s comment above. #heatherssac snort.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..Guest post: The hardest choice =-.
cindy w says:
Ok, I seriously just went and looked up flights to LA, just to see if there’s any way I could come to you in the next couple of weeks and take you out to distract you. Sadly, there isn’t anything that my budget will allow. Boo.
I hate that you can’t go, but I’m also glad that you have really great doctors who are looking out for you & Binky. Love & hugs. xoxo
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..a different sort of ending =-.
moosh in indy. says:
.-= moosh in indy.´s last blog ..please give me a reason to speak turkey. =-.
red pen mama says:
Is it strange that I’m a little sad that our daughter share birthdays? My older girl Flora is a Nov. 11 baby, too. She’ll be 5 this year. I’ll be thinking of you and Maddie, too.
I completely understand about that “wall around the heart”. I didn’t want to make any plans or do any “pre baby” stuff until Flora was safely in my arms (after losing a son in 2003).
Sorry you won’t get to travel. There will be — I hope — more little moments to help you get through.
.-= red pen mama´s last blog ..Pictures from the Pumpkin Patch, 2009 =-.
Oh, I’m so sorry your trip got canceled. I went through a high risk pregnancy and it definitely colored my feelings about the second pregnancy. I felt like I was always holding my breath. I’m sure that adding grief to that makes those 9-10 months seem unbearably long.
I was so looking forward to meeting you here in Boston. I hope you’re able to do something special just for you to help pass the time.
.-= Christy´s last blog ..Stamp Out Breast Cancer with Martha Stewart & Ford Cares =-.
Perhaps people could come to you?
I am sure it helps to find things pass the time. I’m sorry you can’t take your trip but it is more important to remain safe. Get you rest and try to stay positive!
.-= Keyona´s last blog ..I Had This Conversation All Because Of Cartoon Network =-.
Karen Chatters says:
I’m sorry to hear that you can’t travel with the Aiming Low ladies, I was wondering why you weren’t on the road. The good news is that you’re healthy and Binky is gestating along nicely. I’m sure the ladies are going to have no fun at all, it will be a boring trip, it’ll rain the entire time, it’ll be cold, their flights will be late, cabs will get lost – you’re going to miss nothing fun and exciting at all!!
.-= Karen Chatters´s last blog ..Taking life a little slower =-.
Michelle Pixie says:
I am so sorry! Not for one second should anyone think that because you have a little one cooking that you shouldn’t be sad. It makes me so sad that you feel you have to justify what you feel. You hang in there and hopefully your friends can make their way to you!
.-= Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..Bewitching =-.
Feels like again we might be sharing head space (although not air space) again.
My marathon is here as well, and I just want to take my running shoes and quit.
Your date is 11-11 with Madeline’s birthday. Mine is one week later, on 11-18, with the memorial date of Olivia’s passing. Three weeks later, is Olivia’s birthday. It would have been her 17th.
Throw in Thanksgiving and Christmas….and i want to jump. Unfortunately, I only live on the second floor so I doubt it would do much good.
I will be with you in spirit.
.-= won´s last blog ..Give Kids The World, Make A Wish, and Procter and Gamble Set in Stone =-.
Maddie is cheering you on the sidelines, I know she is. My dad died last year and recently I was thinking about a picture of us that was taken when I was 8. I was thinking of driving to my mom’s to get it to put on my Facebook. One night, it just appeared on my dresser, no explanation. Also, we have been having a horrendous October in Minnesota. UGH! I commented to my husband how there were no red leaves anywhere, just yellow and brown, it was strange. This morning, I drove into my driveway to a pile of red leaves. None in my neighbors’ yards, none anywhere else, just a pile in my driveway. Trust me, Maddie is close to you, clapping her hands and so thrilled about Binky. She will get you through this marathon!
Aunt Becky says:
I’m coming to visit you, lover. It’s going to be awesome because I am going to sit next to you and we’re either going to wallow or rub our tummies. Yours will have a baby, and mine will have a food baby and that will RULE.
Love you, woman.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Go Ask Aunt Becky =-.
what a great aunt becky you have! let aunt becky and others just like her come cheer you on your marathon and plan some non-pressure travel in cars & trains! I’m sure there are a lot of cool places in CA you and Mike haven’t seen that you can show binky :). Hang in there – you have so many people sending you positive prayers and thoughts!
LOL- food baby. I have one of those, too!
Go Aunt Becky!
Oh what a huge disappointment for sure. I am so sorry. I wish I could hop on an airplane and come out there to give you the boost you so desperately need.
I know how difficult birthdays are, especially the first one when they’re gone. Know that you, Mike, Binkie and Maddie are in my thoughts and prayers.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Angels =-.
1) I didn’t for a second think, “but you have a baby to look forward to.” You have a right to this grief just as you will have a right to celebrate Binky’s birth.
2) I wish I could come out there and help you distract yourself with shopping.
No flying for you?
you rent a BIG, cozy motorhome
and take it on the road!
Get everyone on board, and DRIVE back east!
And stop at some of the sites along the way.
And then blog about everything you see…
because, of course, you have to take us all with you:)
Hey! You can take Rigby!
Hmmmm. But you need your weekly check-ups.
Okay. So you stop at various ultrasound facilities along the way. ‘Cause you know there’s one on every corner now. And you can check up on Binky that way
What would Dr. Risky think about a road trip?
It’s not like you’d have to sit for hours and hours.
You could rest on the one of the beds.
You could walk around.
And hey, a bathroom is right there for ya!
There’s no pressure of take-off and landing
so no risk to the good ole’ membranes!
I say don’t cancel your trip.
Just find another way to get there!
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Capturing the moment =-.
I’ve read your blog for several months, and I’m delurking to say that I HEAR you.
It’s shocking to have your mind and heart set on something, and count on it, and have reasons for counting on it, then have it pre-empted.
This makes me ache to help, and I just want to say I think about you and Maddy and your husband and Binky and I’m trying to send you all the light and energy I can.
Oh, Heather, I am so sorry to hear that. You guys do something nice for yourselves on Maddie’s birthday (see Where the Wild Things Are?) and please keep writing. I know this last stretch will be really hard, but please keep going.
Your metaphor of grief as a marathon is so apt…I too had the grief intertwined with a difficult pregnancy, and it really was about waiting for every mile marker that I could finally pass.
When my baby was finally born, I just sobbed and sobbed on the table – my husband couldn’t understand why I was so upset. I could only say that I didn’t think we would ever actually get to that point again – real live baby here! – and that I hadn’t allowed myself to think that this happy day would really come. I was only prepared for the worst.
I love your words about although you love the baby growing inside you, there is a shield around your heart until she gets here safely. That was me, and I totally understand.
WIshing you peace today and better days ahead.
Jess L. says:
What a let down. That’s the worst when you get sidelined like that.
[And I am personally bummed that I have missed out on the opportunity to be in the same state as you (typing from Beantown).]
On the bright side, happy fetal viability week!
Here’s hoping for 14 more weeks to ‘celebrate’ it.
Liz B. says:
You know what I’m thinking? That those times when you managed to think of your self as a “normal” pregnant woman were what you needed to go to get through those days. And it was, fine, even good, because you have a doctor who can help you juggle all the balls. You could take a breather because you knew you could trust your doctor not to. This is a good thing.
But I am sorry that you’re missing you trip. Hugs, and best of luck.
What about taking a little road trip somewhere? Or finding a little weekend cottage to got to? Find some craft festivals to frequent…I am a glass half full person…it’s just the way I roll.
On Maddie’s birthday, maybe you can let some balloons go and then find something totally out of character to do. I know it will be hard, but you can- you are doing it…One step at a time, one foot in front of the other! There is always an upside, however small.
Adventures In Babywearing says:
I think we all can relate to this, and we haven’t experienced the same things, the same grief, hard times, etc. You deserve only good days, and I hope that is all that is ahead of you and in your “right now”.
.-= Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..On Sunday Morning =-.
while i’m terribly sorry you couldn’t go on your most excellent trip, i’m proud of you for listening to your doctor.
.-= mommymae´s last blog ..mr. orange-bones jones =-.
I’m so sorry you don’t get to go on your travels. But it sounds great that you have Dr. Risky!! Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Not Me Monday! =-.
Man, Heather. That stinks.
That minute-by-minute, week-by-week mindset must be exhausting. For every one of these tough moments, you will have thousands more good ones when Binky arrives safely. In the meantime, do you have a good walking neighborhood? I always find that even a few minutes outside clears my head and helps me feel better when I’m worried or sad. Pulling for you!
That sucks that you can’t travel to Boston and New York. I know your friends and family will come up with all sorts of little moments to help get through the next few months. I know they’ll be hard but there are so many people here to support and love you and help make it through.
Love and hugs my friend.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Making Halloween Safe for Nut Allergy Children =-.
Amy in Oregon says:
I am so sorry you can’t go, I can tell how much you were looking forward to it.
Comparing what you are going through to a marathon is perfect. I’ve never “run” the marathon you are, but I have run a few marathons and I would say that it IS the little moments. As someone said above, it IS the cups of water they thrust at you as you run by, it IS the people on the sidelines cheering you on and lifting your spirits that keep you going and help you to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Take care and know that not one day goes by without my thoughts going to you, Mike, Binky and Rigby.
I’m so sorry that this happened at such a tough time. I can’t imagine everything you’re going through. I’ve also been grounded for the rest of my pregnancy too (due right after you). It’s so frustrating, especially with the holidays coming.
.-= Kristie´s last blog ..Trick-or-Treat Food Allergy Safety – Medical Monday =-.
sad you aren’t able to come to nyc, but happy you are getting all of this great advice from your doctors to protect you and binky.
hang in there!
I’m so sorry that you have been grounded. I know how much you rely on the little things to keep you going and I am sorry that you had to cancel your trips
I am glad you are listening to your doctor and staying put. Your body & Binky need the rest.
However, that being said…..
I know that we have never met in person, but I would be most willing to jump on an airplane and spend the day doing whatever you wanted. And this comes from a girl who is completely freaked out by flying! I have to take a couple of xanax and bloody mary’s to get my ass on a plane, but I would do it for you in a heartbeat. You just let me know….seriously!!
Love, Jenn in CA
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Not what I thought I would write about =-.
Sorry, Heather. I think they should have an Aiming Low L.A. party!
.-= Bridget´s last blog ..Dear Facebook, =-.
Oh, boo. I’m so sorry you don’t get to go. Travel, friends and good work are three of the things that are great distractions at even the most difficult of times.
Hang in there. They say in AA “one day at a time,” but if you take it second by second, no one minds.
.-= J´s last blog ..(Anti)social media =-.
I’m so sorry you can’t go. I am sending so many good thoughts and prayers your way.
I’m so sorry your Dr. gave you news that keeps you grounded. You are doing great, and Binky appreciates all that you are doing!
I’m only at 20 weeks, and my Dr and lovely Insurance company have told me that thanks to H1N1 (and my allergy to eggs, no vaccine for me!) I have to avoid contact with people. No malls, no movies, no church, just a lot of time at home. So I can relate to what you said, about just holding out for that tv show to come on!
I’m praying for you, your baby, and your hubby!
I was on bedrest with my second child and I would not have survived it without http://www.sidelines.org. If you haven’t heard of them they are a high risk pregnancy support group and the volunteer I was matched with was like a lifeline. I didn’t feel so isolated b/c here was someone that understood and suddenly I was “normal” again when I heard from her. Even if you don’t want to sign up for a volunteer they have a ton of information on their site and tips for making it through.
oh yes, sidelines.org is wonderful, I used them during my bed rest in my first pregnancy!
You WILL get there Heather. You will.
ONE CRUSTY MOM-E says:
I’m sure you’re sick of hearing, “everything happens for a reason,” because reason doesn’t define emotions. Emotions define reason.
That Said, I have a “feeling” that your wonderful Angel, Maddie, wants you near home–perhaps to keep you safe from the scares of swines-lol- who knows what the reason is, but something tells me that good will come from your banned travels.
Just think, in a marathon, as exhausting as it is, aren’t there those hot sweaty guys running along too? Not to mention the hotties of the paramedic crew..
Thinking of you.
One crusty mom-e stranger in the burbs of chicago.
.-= ONE CRUSTY MOM-E´s last blog ..SOLE PICK =-.
I sure wish that I lived nearby because I’d come and visit you and you’d be so frustrated from Crazy Internet Blogger that you would only count down the minutes until I leave. It would take your mind off worrying.
Hang in there. You and Binky will make it!
That’s such a drag. On the one hand, you want and need your doctor to have extra special caution for this pregnancy, but on the other hand, you can’t do your trip and that sucks!
My son was born and my mother died the same week. It is such a roller coaster when the wonderful and the unthinkable happen so close in time. It’s like you don’t know what to feel. No emotion feels exactly right.
I hope you can come up with something else nice to do for yourself to make up for the trip.
.-= Maile´s last blog ..Why I Hate Insurance =-.
Lisa from WV says:
Wishing you a million “little moments” to get you through until Binky is born, and then an infinite amount of little moments for the rest of your life.
Your stranger friend,
I’m sorry you weren’t able to go on your trip
I loved your reference of both grief and pregnancy being marathons. I was 4 months pregnant when my father passed away… it was quite overwhelming… my emotions were all over the place. I, too, looked for moments & events to help get me through. I overthink so I found some things comforting… “Curb your Enthusiasm” and EW magazine, in particular… anything that could help me “escape” from my head for a moment. Thinking of you!!!
Even though we’ve never met, I think of you often. Having a boy, I feel okay saying that Madeline was the most beautiful little girl I’ve ever seen. Her smile lights up my computer.
Heather we are here for you. Post ever second of every day and we will respond, encourage, laugh, and lets not forget cry ???
We all care trmendously for you and have yet to meet you so I know that those in your life that visit and call will come over more so you don’t even have to think about not being able to travel.
Always here for you ???
Oops all my question marks were supossed to be smile faces and hearts — sorry about that
I am so sorry that your trip was cancelled. I know it’s frustrating….to hold onto “normalcy” is such a huge leap when you have gone through all that you have. I can’t speak to the loss, on even the most remote of levels, but I am expecting in 20 weeks and after two troubling pregnancies that both ended earlier and the last one, my own level of horror. I understand how even the slightest little thought can creep in and it’s hard to maintain sanity. I know the moments and emotions it robs you, easier said than done, I know, but one day at a time….still lifting you up in St. Louis!!!!
Keep talking to us and getting things like this off your chest. Hopefully we all can help and fuel you through this. I know it isn’t the same or as exciting, but hopefull reading all of the positive people that love you guys can be of some comfort. We all love and support you!
I’m so sorry you’re not able to take your trips. That is very disappointing. Maybe instead of you going there, some people could come to YOU!
YOU ARE AMAZING…your strength is so incredible, and your ability to speak your truth on the days that you don’t feel strong at all…ADMIRABLE. I too am going though a grieving process, albeit a different type of loss (the recent death of both my parents at a young age)…and reading your blog helps me in my own “marathon run”. Going up the “hills” (the birthdays, upcoming holidays, anniversaries) are so painful and exhausting, but I try to remember that there will be times I’m running downhill as well…and there are water breaks.
Thank you Heather, thank you Maddie.
Although I am not surprised by your Dr’s decision, I can certainly understand why you would be so disappointed and upset by the decision. I’m so sorry.
Could you plan little day trips and doing things in and around LA with your friend and family? Maybe that would help?
As for Maddie’ s b-day…of course having another baby would NEVER subsitute your hurt or longing for Maddie. I must tell you however, after my 2 very good friends lost their babies, many mothers who were in the same position as they were in, gave both of them the exact same advice. I thought I’d share it with you in case it gave you any solace at all.
Both were told the anticipation for the actual milestone dates (e.g. Birthday, Christmas, 1st Year Anniversary, etc.) is MUCH WORSE than the actual dates.
I think both of my friends were anticipating the worse when they would think of each date. But, I am happy to tell you, after they both went through their daughters B-days, Christmas and 1st year Anniversay, etc, they were surprised and thankful to agree with the other mothers. They had braced for the worse only to realize that actual date wasn’t as bad as they both thought it would be.
So, dear one I am REALLY hoping you will also find the same things with your milestones. Please don’t get me wrong though. I am not suggesting for one SECOND those days won’t be hard or filled with sadness, grief, memories…etc. But, perhaps it won’t be as bad as you THINK it might be?
I hope this makes sense to you. I tried to explain it exactly how my friends explained it to me. I really hope I don’t come off as being insensitve or not understanding because, I do understand…well, as much as I possibily can. And, I would NEVER, EVER want to come off as being insensitive!
Any ways, I do hope you will find these next few months will go by quickly and hopefully won’t be a painful as you expect it will. Remember we’ll ALWAYS be here for you! So, if you ever need a friend, an ear or someone talk to…please know I am here and I am not going anywhere.
Lindsay from Florida says:
I’m visiting Boston this week, and I loved the idea of being in the same city with such an amazing, inspiring, wonderful person like yourself, Heather!! I am so, SO sorry that this trip was taken away from you. Yell, scream, vent to all of us as much as you like. And, in between that, savor those kicks from little Binky, whom we all can’t wait to meet!!!!!
I am here if you ever want to do anything. Love you.
I actually said aloud, in a knowing, low voice, “ooooh, her birthday is November 11th.” I think I realized that I feel connected to your grief because you are very aware of dates, of time passing, and that, like mine, your grieving is sometimes anticipatory. November 11th will be a REALLY BIG DEAL. It will suck. I totally understand the suckiness of it. I believe that I have to honor my grief, and my mother, and be present in all of it, no matter what. You are doing a really great job of being present in yours, and I really admire and respect that, a whole lot.
If there’s anything from Ohio that might cheer you up, gimme a shout and I’ll do my best to hook you up.
.-= Aisha´s last blog ..To fall off the face of the earth (and get vaguely graphic upon return) =-.
The loss of your girl and this new baby are separate things: one doesn’t replace the other, You are still grieving and grieving IS a marathon. I think you are doing the right thing in looking forward to the little things to get you through. You’re on the right track.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..I Wish I Knew =-.
That Dr. Risky is a tough one–which is probably a good thing in the long run, but sucks right now.
You must be close or past the 24 week mark, yes? That’s exciting!
And on Nov. 11th, we will all celebrate the beauty of Maddie and share in your grief that she isn’t here with you.
.-= Laurie´s last blog ..Pacifist? =-.
Haley-O (Cheaty) says:
You can do it, Heather! Imagine how strong you are for what you’ve been through. I think you’ll totally amaze yourself when binky comes along.
Sorry you couldn’t go to NYC and Boston this week, but I think it was a good call by the doc.
.-= Haley-O (Cheaty)´s last blog ..What I Learned from *Ferris Beuller’s Day Off* =-.
Well, dang it! I wish you were able to travel, but I know Dr. Risky cares deeply for you and Binky, so I’m sure it’s for the best. Maybe you and your Mom can drive somewhere that last week? I getaway at a hotel not too far with cute shops and some good food? Or with Mike? Maybe with another friend?
I’m sorry your plans were foiled. Hang in there, sweet Heather. ((hugs))
.-= Tara.´s last blog ..Chicago. =-.
Sorry you are grounded Heather, that really sucks. The good news is that you are still mobile with the fabulous Binky flipping about in plenty of amniotic fluid. I am glad you have such a caring Dr.
I think of you constantly and I am praying for your strength. I hope your contractions are better. Love you Wheels.
Hi, you’ve been in my thoughts a lot.
It’s hard when us control freaks feel helpless isn’t it? Not long to go now though….good luck with everything.
.-= Alex´s last blog ..Oh well, here goes… =-.
Heather, I feel like I mentioned to you in a comment months ago about the marathon. I think I said something about training for it and how you have to approach the pain with an “inch by inch it’s a sinch” attitude. Anyway, I was just praying for you tonight knowing that Maddie’s birthday would be here next month.
As my daughter is in her 16th month of life and will be 17 months next month, I have been thinking for the last several months about how you lost Maddie in her 17th month. I have tried to put myself in your shoes and imagine what it would feel like if I were to lose my beloved daughter in a few weeks from now. Gosh, how my world would come to a hault,. Frankly, it would be more like an end! And as I am about to try to expand my family soon, I don’t know that I’d have the courage to do so after losing my child. So, I really give you a salute for being able to do that. As wonderful as it will be to bring Binky into this world, it will still be a reminder of the other love of your life, Maddie. Thank you again for sharing your amazing story for all the world to see!
You’re so courageous and brave and I’m continuing to think of you and Mike. I would love to send something to Binky, please tell me where I can send it! God Bless you now and always!
Oh, and one last thing! When you mentioned traveling it reminded me of the baby that was just born last week on an Asian airline. Born at 27 weeks at 7lbs. What the? Could her calculations been off?
Hello dear Heather, I’m so sorry that you weren’t allowed to go on your trip!!!
The marathon comparison sounds apt.
Alicia @ bethsix says:
“Basically, grief and pregnancy (either separate or intertwined) are marathons, and you have to get through each mile however you can.”
You’re exactly right. Don’t know why I’ve never thought of it this way. It’s a great analogy.
.-= Alicia @ bethsix´s last blog ..Groundhog =-.
Please help us to remember to wish Maddie a big Happy Birthday, because I know so very many will want to do so.
I’m 24 weeks also and I also have been banned from travel as well. We were suppose to go out to AZ for thanksgiving. But the dr doesn’t want me doing a 7 hour car ride. Also to a city with no NICU. I can’t say i really disagree with him. I had my son at 26 weeks and I don’t want to risk being in a bad location if heaven forbid something like that happens again. I just REALLY want to be past 26 weeks…. I’ve never made it that far before. =-(
I actually missed my brother’s wedding when my son was born at 32 weeks the Wednesday before the wedding (which was Saturday)!
I had spent about a month on bedrest due to preterm labor, prior to his birth, but really really hated to miss the wedding and wanted to find a doctor that would let me go. It’s probably a good thing my son was born, because I probably would have found a way to go to the wedding anyway.
My husband had been sooo paranoid that, if we went to the wedding, I would have delivered the baby in the “mountains of Virginia” while making the 10-hour drive to South Carolina for the wedding.
As it worked out, our son was born at the exact time we planned to be in the mountains of Virginia!
So, while I hated missing my brother’s wedding (and to this day, hate the fact that I will never have any memories of his special day!), I was very thankful that I delivered in a hospital with a Level III NICU, rather than along I-95 somewhere!
Like you, I hate having to miss out on the travel, but wow, as hard as it is, it’s sooo worth it for the baby!
My sister is getting married next spring, and she was hoping for a March wedding but postponed their plans till May, since our next baby is due March 6th. If all goes well w the baby & pregnancy, we hope to be there for her wedding!
.-= Becky´s last blog ..Halloween PJs =-.