Even though Mike and I are certain we are 100% done having kids, we were not ready for me to take the permanent step of a tubal ligation during my c-section. I drove Dr. Risky crazy, though, because I’d make jokes like, “Feel free to take out my uterus when you’re in there, I won’t need it anymore.” And she’d say, “You want me to take out your uterus but you don’t want a tubal ligation?” Yes Doctor, I am aware of the contradiction. Please don’t make me try to explain it.

Until Mike and I are ready to take permanent steps, my doctor team gave me a few birth control options. One is the minipill, the progesterone-only birth control pill. In theory, that would be a good choice for me, since estrogen and my clotting disorder do not mix well (estrogen can cause blood clots). But, the minipill has to be taken at the exact same time EVERY DAY. Do you know what I do at the same time every day? NOTHING. My anxiety would be through the roof, and I do juuuust fine ramping up my anxiety without worrying about a pill’s effectiveness.

The other option is an IUD, either copper or hormonal. All my friends with IUDs are very passionate about them: they love the one they use and hate the one they don’t. Extremely heavy periods are common amongst women with my clotting disorder, so Dr. Risky and my hematologist both recommended the hormonal Mirena IUD for me. The Mirena greatly reduces menstrual flow, which would be excellent for me because I get anemic every month. Also, the Mirena only releases hormones to the uterus lining and is not absorbed into the blood stream, so it’s safe for my clotting disorder.

I have been doing tons of reading on all my options, and Dr. Risky’s office gave me a bunch of pamphlets and paperwork. I wanted to read about the pros and cons and the science behind all of the options. I opened up a pamphlet on the Mirena, and right at the top of page two, I saw this:

I'm sorry, WHAT?

Wait…what? You don’t know how it works exactly, but I should pay a bunch of money to have it inserted into my uterus? There are so many things I would accept instead of “it is not known exactly how it works.” For example:

Mirena works by magic
Mirena is a sperm-eating fish placed in your uterus
Mirena is a sharknado

I get that the pamphlet is saying that the Mirena does a bunch of little things that add up to one big thing, but still. Maybe they should think about rewording that answer.

I am (obviously) leaning heavily toward the IUD, and it looks like the magical sperm-eating Mirena is going to be the winner since it has other benefits besides birth control. I think that in a year or two, Mike and I will be ready to schedule him one of these, but until then, I need to do everything I can to make sure I don’t end up with another one of these:

my little babies

Even if they are really cute.