This week has kicked my butt, both emotionally and physically.
My hyperemesis, which had been pretty manageable the last few weeks, has really kicked it up the last few days.
I left my house yesterday with the intention of running errands at five different places. I barely made it to two before I had to go home.
A migraine forced me to lay down for the second half of the day…again. Annie brought me books to read but I couldn’t focus on the words. She was disappointed, but not as much as I was.
I push through as much as I can because I want these last weeks and days with only Annie to be special. I don’t want her memories of this time to be of me sick, unable to play or even handle being touched.
I tell myself she might not remember any of it, good or bad. But what if she does?
The baby flips and kicks in my stomach and I am constantly reminded that I am caring for him, too. At this point in my pregnancy with Madeline, I was in the hospital. As hard as it is to do the things with Annie, at least I am home with her. I am so lucky.
I am resigned to the fact that physically, I might not feel better until this baby arrives. I have to emotionally get on board with not always being able to do the things I want because of this. Forcing myself through things sometimes requires a few days to physically recover, which means missing other things. It’s not always worth it, even when the guilt eats me up.
Today, though, will be worth it: Annie has her very first dance recital. And even though she might not remember any of this in twenty years, I will. So I will keep trying to do what I can, trying to do my best, trying to be her best mom.
Nothing would ever keep me from watching this girl dance.
Jennifer says:
She is SO precious!
Auntie_M says:
Bless your heart!!
While it’s a totally different thing, I get the whole internal debate, “If I do this, then I’ll be out of commission for at least X amount of time, possibly more..Pros vs Cons vs Reality ….and…go!!!”
I have Fibromyalgia so I face decisions like that daily & often the choice is out of my control because of pain levels.
BUT I soooo agree with you that certain things are more than worth the toll they’ll take on my body. Those things are invariably my nieces & nephews!!
I know Annie is going to be a beautiful ~and probably dramatic~ dancer tonight! I look forward to seeing the pictures & video of her recital! And I hope and pray that you, Heather, are able to get some good rest today beforehand, that that nasty nausea & vomitting go away (@ least for a day for criminey sakes!!), and that you are truly able to enjoy being the best mom ever!!
TamaraL says:
She looks lovely!! I was horribly sick almost the whole pregnancy with my last child. I felt like such a horrible mother to my older two…they were 5 & 8. They don’t remember me neglecting them or me even being sick! I remember clearly but they don’t!
Molly says:
Oh, Heather, you are just the BEST mom! Annie is so lucky to have a mama (and dad!) who work so hard to be there for her. But even if she remembers that you were sick during this pregnancy and couldn’t do as much with her, I don’t necessarily think it will be a bad memory. Kids are so good at accepting situations at face value and taking things in stride. Enjoy her adorable dance performance!
Jenn says:
I understand how you feel…as you know I live with Chronic pain and require frequent hospital visits. It sucks so much and talk about guilt!!! Many people tell me growing up with a sick mom will give my kids compassion and will make them “BETTER” peoople. I don’t know if I buy it when I look them in their sad daughter as I let them down by not having either the strength or am in too much pain to do what the rest of the family is doing.
You’re good news is the fact you WILL get better and for that, I am so happy and grateful for you. I know this time is so hard Sweetheart….I get it but you are a great mama with so much love for your daughter and your baby son. This too shall past and on the day it does….well, it will be one hell of a celebration!!! Hang in the mama and know I am ALWAYS here if you ever need a friend to talk to, cry with and just need a good vent!!!
Enjoy your beauitful girl’s dance!!!
Thinking of you!!!
Expat Mom says:
I’m sorry you’re having such a rough pregnancy. When I was pregnant with my last son, I was horribly ill and couldn’t do much at all. I felt awful and my sons (5 and 4 at the time) were not impressed. They went so far as to scold the baby for making me sick!
The baby is now 1 and they have pretty much forgotten the months where I couldn’t do much with them. They both admit that it’s pretty awesome having a baby brother and my oldest told me the other day, “I didn’t think he’d be cute, but he’s the cutest baby I’ve ever seen!” They aren’t always that thrilled, of course, but overall, the time you feel sick and can’t do much now is just a tiny piece of their life and it isn’t going to be a big deal later on.
Connie says:
Please, please take video of the recital and share any bits you can. This picture alone is too precious. She is such a doll. You are a great Mom and doing everything you can.
Laura Lou says:
My mom was on bedrest when she was pregnant with my younger sister. I was almost 7, so I remember it pretty clearly. To me, it was a fun time with lots of extra attention. It didn’t bother me at all that my mom couldn’t do things with me, instead, she wasn’t able to do all the chores that usually kept her busy. I remember sitting by the couch playing and being so thrilled that Mommy was just laying there paying attention to me. As a parent now, of course, I realize she was not really paying attention to me the whole time but kids are sure they’re the center of the universe.
Having had HG myself, I know that it’s so not the same as bedrest, but just wanted to share my memories from a kid’s perspective. Annie knows you don’t feel good, but all she sees is the time, attention, and love you do give her–and that’s what counts most.
Marie says:
I’m going to suggest something that you probably have had tested or thought of but here goes anyway. I was sick as a dog with the last 2 pregnancies and it took 21 years for them to figure out it was my gallbladder. I suffered all of those years and yet no one could figure it out. Gallbladder is more pain than nausea but still it wouldn’t hurt to have it checked. That middle son was 21 before they took mine out.
That little pink dancing dress? So cute!
Good luck and God Bless!
Hugs from Minnesota
Marie
Lisa says:
I doubt she will remember. Her best memory of all of this will be the baby. I think he will erase any memories of you not feeling good in Annie’s mind. Hang in there, you have come this far and you are doing fantastic, all things considered. Hopefully the sickness will STOP already as you deserve a break!! Now, the name…. Any names you wanna share? Maybe a contest to name the baby? HA!! Michael Jr perhaps? Or Heather Jr since you have to put up with all this feeling like crap? I am voting for Heather Jr!!! Or Heath? hmmmm, I wonder.
giselle says:
As usual, you’re amazing! Give yourself a little break though. It’s ok for you to be sick and it’s ok to sit things out. Annie has her dad and grandparents. So even though you don’t want her to remember you sick, in the end, she probably will remember that a little but she won’t remember much. I was 2 when my mom was pregnant with my sister and I remember VERY VERY little. And I was 6 when she had my last sister and I only remember slightly more, and I remember things from the other aspects of my life, but still very little of her actual pregnancy. So I wouldn’t worry too much. Relax, rest, and don’t let the guilt get to you. You’re amazing.
Kristen says:
Oh Heather, I’m so sorry you’ve been so sick! It makes my heart break each time I read how you long to be able to do something that you cannot. I am certain Annie will not remember the few times that you are unable to spend with just her and will only remember how excited she was that her brother arrived safely!! However, if she does remember, I love that you have this beautiful record for her of all of your thoughts and feelings, fears, hopes and dreams for her and The Acrobat. Many blessings and much love to you all as you push through the next few weeks of pregnancy!
RG says:
She may remember – I remember my mother was horribly ill through her third pregnancy with my sister. I don’t remember my mother being a “terrible” mom or neglecting me – instead I have vague memories of me trying to soothe her, of our dad helping us buy her gifts to keep her spirits up, and of how we all cheered when the baby finally came and she felt better. Weirdly enough it’s kind of a sweet memory, for me – it was a chance for me to “mother” my mother, and in those days were planted some early seeds of empathy. Don’t underestimate Annie – she’s a tough little girl, and as she grows she will never fault you for failing to be energetic at this time. In fact, she will learn a lot about perseverence.
Also, http://www.firsttheegg.com is the blog of a woman whose second baby is now probably 6 months or so – but she had hyperemesis (I think, she never named it as such) through that whole pregnancy. If you want to read the words of someone who suffered as you are – if it feels less alone – then check out some of her archives. You can also see how excellent she feels now, and maybe that will help you – the light at the end of the tunnel
Liz says:
The CUTENESS!!
So sorry you’ve been sick, but you are doing so well!! The fact that you’re not in the hospital is a HUGE accomplishment and baby boy will be here before you know it.
Lisa says:
First dance recitals are the best!
I’m so sorry you have been feeling so bad this week. I hope you are feeling good today and can enjoy Annie’s recital.
Molly says:
I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. It sounds like in your head, you are always thinking about the Acrobat, Annie, and Maddie and how you took/are taking/will take care of them, and that’s a lot when you’re already down for the count. This time is short, Annie knows you love her, so it’s okay if you have to say “no” a lot. Saving your energy up for her dance recital sounds totally worth it!
michele wallace says:
She is ADORABLE! Sure hope you feel better soon!
Annalisa says:
As you’re surmising, this is a version of “pick your battle” you’ve got on your hands.
Eventually you have to choose, and not just now that your pregnancy has you feeling like crap, but also, once you have two kids, you might be faced with having to choose between reading the book one of them pleads with you to read RIGHT NOW, or consoling the other who’s screaming his/her head off, or so tells me every parent I’ve ever asked (I’ve been torn about letting my kid be an only child vs. having another, so I figured I’d do some research for a while – moot point now, though, #2 is coming whether I’m ready or not).
Just know that you don’t have to be present all the time, you just have to show up enough for it to count in the long run, if that metaphor makes any sense.
…And a recital is a nice low energy event if you make it one. Sit, smile at Annie while she waves at you, and use a barf bag if you must while she’s busy on stage. She’ll only remember the smiles.
Tammy M. says:
Heather,
Being a parent can come with so much guilt if you let it. I hope you can learn to let go of the guilt by realizing that you are doing the very best you can do at the moment. Your very best is pretty darned good! Annie will look back on a happy childhood with awesome parents. Her certainty that she is well-loved will cover a multitude of what we might consider “parenting sins”.
T.
Kelly says:
Oh my, the cuteness of your girl. She is just adorable.
Laurie says:
My second pregnancy was high-risk and took a lot out of me. I constantly mourned what I was missing and not doing with my first child, and now that our son has arrived and I’m trying to care for him, I’m still struggling with what I don’t have time to do with my daughter. A friend reminded me that a sibling is a life-long gift and even if she does remember this time period, its a blip in comparison to the years that Annie will have with the Acrobat. As an oldest child, I’m pretty sure my mom was pretty consumed by responsibilities with my little brother, but I don’t have much memory of that–only of wanting to kick him the rear when he was older.
Lanie says:
You are the best mom! You have to take care of yourself – kind of like the way they tell us on airplanes to put your oxygen mask on before your child’s mask.
Enjoy the recital! Looking forward to reading about it
Jeanie says:
That picture is perfect! Praying you feel better, Heather. I can’t imagine…
Robin says:
First time commenter here…
My mother had hyperemesis with each of her 3 kids. When I was 6, she had my youngest sister and could barely leave the house for several months. But, my memories of my mother during this time were completely positive. I would play in her bedroom on the computer, or we would snuggle and chat, or sometimes my dad would tell me to leave so she could get some rest. I don’t remember any disappointment or sadness associated with my mum not being active- it was just how things were and while I didn’t understand why it was that way there was nothing negative about it.
So don’t worry about Annie’s last days as an only child- she is happy just to have your love and attention
sarah says:
she is so beautiful. I hope you get to feeling better. I had the hyperemesis with all my pregnancies. It is no fun.
Joelle says:
I know you feel badly (both physically and hypothetically), but I think you need to cut yourself a break here! You are pregnant, and sick! You are not doing drugs in the garage, you are not working 80 hours a week and flying out of town on a moment’s notice! You are a great mom and annie knows this…and if she does remember…what is she going to remember? How sick mommy was when she was pregnant with little brother…she’s not going to think mom neglected her…
I understand, i suffer from migraines and I feel that when I can’t play with my girls they are missing out, but everyone ends up fine. You are in the home stretch now!