I think part of me always knew this wasn’t going to happen.
Everything felt different than with the first two. My breasts weren’t tender, my skin was bad, my nausea wasn’t as severe. “Maybe it’s a boy!” My family said helpfully, hopefully. Maybe. But I knew something was off.
We saw Dr. Hirisk for an ultrasound at 6w2d gestation. We saw a sack and fetal pole, but no heartbeat. Dr. Hirisk didn’t want to start me on the blood thinner Lovenox (for my clotting disorder) until he saw a heartbeat. “If you were to miscarry on Lovenox, it could be very dangerous.” He had us make an appointment to come back four days later to look for a heartbeat. The feeling that something was wrong grew stronger.
But then four days later the heartbeat was there and Dr. Hirisk seemed surprised and relieved. He prescribed my blood thinners, and scheduled me to come in six weeks later for the first trimester screen.
“Shouldn’t I come in five weeks from now?” I asked, “I’m seven weeks tomorrow.”
“No…according to the ultrasound the baby is measuring six weeks. You probably ovulated late.” Dr. Hirisk replied.
Except I hadn’t ovulated late. I knew exactly when I’d ovulated: we’d used a digital ovulation kit. But Mike was excited, the doctors were happy. I told myself I was being overly cynical and cautious. I was going to enjoy this pregnancy.
I let myself get caught up in it all. We discussed names, took bets on if the baby would come before or after Thanksgiving, if it would be a boy or another girl.
Two nights before the appointment with my OB, my cousin Leah asked me if this pregnancy felt like my others. Before I could even think I said, “No.” The sinking feeling I’d had earlier came rushing back. I couldn’t sleep, worried. And then we went to the appointment.
Part of me always knew this wasn’t going to happen…but I just wish that part of me hadn’t been right.
Julia says:
Heather I’m so sorry ; ;
Stacy says:
So very sorry Heather. I’ve been thinking of you and Mike a lot this weekend. Sending love and hugs.
Barbee says:
I can’t imagine what you are feeling on the inside, but you seem incredibly brave to me. Your ability to share all the tough times is remarkable. Thank you.
Kayla says:
Ah, Heather. I wish you had been wrong too. So much. So much.
Kayla says:
Also, not to sound like a dolt that argues with doctors, (although as we all know, doctors are not Gods), but I think next time you should be on Lovenox from the beginning.
I don’t know whether or not that played a part in what happened, but it could have been a factor. I think you should start it earlier so it can have time to truly start in your system from the beginning, you know? Just thinking out loud here. ):
Heather says:
That is the plan for the next time, regardless of the test outcomes.
Ali says:
Heather, I don’t know if you read all your comments but I’ve been following and reading and absorbing your blog for years. I’ve never commented though, I can’t tell you why exactly, but I just haven’t. When I read your post a few days ago, I needed to comment, I needed to tell you I was thinking about you, loving on you from miles away, and yet I didn’t know what to say. I’ve never had a baby, I’m young, not even married yet, but I so hate to see you hurting. I didn’t know what to say and yet I wanted to say something, anything at all, and then I came across this passage in the book I was reading (Bloom by Kelle Hampton). I read it and I thought of you, and decided that even though I didn’t know what to say, maybe she did. So I’m posting it for you. You are so incredibly loved Heather. You and Mike and Annie. I don’t know you, I’ll never meet you, and yet you are in my thoughts and prayers.
“This is what woman do. We have complex bodies that create beings from microscopic cells, and when everything isn’t just right, our bodies take over and do what they know to do. I marveled at the strength of my body. That it had the biological awareness to know that little bean wasn’t poised to grow properly, and that it had the clockwork capabilities to take care of it-to heal itself and become better again.
But there was a different, darker side to my amazement as well. My body and my heart were separate entities-the former had betrayed the latter. And yes, it sucked. It sucked standing in line at the grocery store holding a Stayfree bag when a month earlier I was in that same line holding the box of pregnancy tests that would turn all pink and make me cry. It sucked going into Lainey’s second-year scrapbook and erasing all the stuff I wrote about her being a big sister that November. Or folding up her big-sister shirt and hoping it would still fit when she could wear it again. It sucked to lose what felt like half my body weight in blood or to have to leave Baby Gap, embarrassingly pulling my shirt down behind me because I was stupid enough to wear white jeans while I was having a miscarriage. It sucked, but it was real.”
Megan@TrueDaughter says:
I thought of this, too, when I read Heather’s post. It doesn’t make the pain less in your heart, but maybe helps wrap your head around the why of things. Blessings and prayers, Heather and Mike!
Heather says:
I read all of my comments! Thank you for sharing this passage, I hadn’t read it. I so appreciate it.
Alison says:
Heather, I wish you’d been wrong. Damn gut feelings.
Sally says:
So heartbreaking. I’m so sorry.
xo
Sue says:
I’m so sorry, Heather,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
jennifer says:
XOXO! Just always remember that this is part of our life in which make us strong and undefeated towards the challenge of life…
Randi says:
Heather,
With all 3 of my losses, I was panic level worried about something being wrong. I just delievered a healthy boy 6 weeks ago. I had a miscarriage in June 2011 and got pregnant in July. As soon as I saw the positive test, I wasn’t nervous or worried at all. I just knew this one was going to work out. I strongly believe that on some level, we know when something is wrong. It sucks, but I think it is our way for preparing for the inevitable. It doesn’t make it suck less or hurt less, but maybe fearing the worst makes you start to process the hell that is coming when you lose a pregnancy. Anyway, I hope your physical recovery is going well, and that you give yourself all the time you need for the emotional side.
hugs to you, Mike, and Annie
Sonja Franck says:
Perhaps your intuition did prepare you in some subconscious way, but I know that doesn’t make it any easier. I am so sorry for your loss.
Lisa says:
I’m so sorry, Heather. Sending love and hugs to all of you.
Becca says:
I agree with Randi – on some level, we know when things are ‘off’ in our bodies. I know I did. I’m sorry that part of you was right too. It sucks. It’s unbelievable how often this happens to so many people. I don’t say this to minimize your loss, but more to say ‘it’s not your fault’. You did nothing wrong and this doesn’t mean you won’t have another healthy, full term pregnancy again. I just hope you know that.
Thinking of you and Mike today.
Mommy Boots says:
Both of my pregnancies felt significantly different from the start. With my first pregnancy (I miscarried at 7 weeks) I had nausea, boob pain, all sorts of positive signs but I knew from the start something wasn’t right. I worried. I obsessed about miscarriage. And then it happened.
When I got pregnant with my daughter I had NO signs right off the bat but I just had a feeling everything would be okay. I was right.
I’m sorry that your feeling was right. I wish it had been way wrong. I hate that you are having to go through this. *hugs*
Adrianne says:
I thought about you so much this weekend, Heather. I’m so sad for you and Mike and Annie, but more than anything I’m just angry. Life is just so unfair sometimes and it makes me so angry that such an amazing woman and family has had to go through SO much in the last 4+ years. You don’t deserve it (no one does, but not you especially) and it isn’t your fault, which makes it all the more devastating. Doesn’t the universe know that you’ve suffered enough? Why this? Why now? My heart is heavy for you all; I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.
Emily says:
Hugs dear friend.
Caroline says:
I’m so sorry you were right:(. Thought of you and your family all weekend.
Annegirrl says:
I’m so sorry. I know exactly what you mean about everything being off or different. That’s exactly how I felt before we lost our second baby. Our bodies and minds just seem to know that something is not right. You are all in my thoughts through all of this.
Rose says:
I am so sorry for you and your family’s loss. It is such a hard thing to go through, plus all the fun pregnancy hormones that are left in your body after losing your baby doesn’t help. I’ve lost 3 and the last one was pure hell for me. I always felt guilty in one way or another over things that I know I can’t change. There are the stupid What Ifs for each of my losses and I have learned you can’t dwell on them. I also struggled with feeling guilty about my emotions- I was definitely sad about each loss but in another way I felt great relief. After speaking to other women who have lost pregnancies, I found that I was not alone in thinking this way. When I was ready, emotionally more than physically, I tried again after each loss. We have been very fortunate and I celebrate the three that I have but I never forget about the three that didn’t make it.
Sending you big hugs during this rough time.
Nellie says:
Know that you are surrounded by much love and we’ll be here for you always through the joys, sadness, laughter, frustration, peace and contentment.
So beautifully written and makes my heart ache for you.
edenland says:
Love and love to you.
Have been thinking about you constantly. Every day.
XXXXXX
Kayt says:
I am so sorry. I had a miscarriage in October, and I felt practically perky from the start, and I knew it wasn’t right. I wanted desperately for it to be right, but I had lived with my face in the sink from conception to labor with my son, and I just felt not right. I never had a heartbeat, but the sac kept growing, and we had a fetal pole, so we played ‘yes no, maybe so’ for four excrutiating weeks until we saw an empty sac, no embryo for sure. I had my second D&C the week of Christmas, and got pregnant again in January. I’m 19 weeks, and I’ve been so paranoid, but I also have this undercurrent of confidence in this pregnancy I never had with Maybe Baby.
Heather, keep your feet up, and your loved ones close. You are strong, and you’ll recover.
Annalisa says:
I don’t know, some of us never get past that paranoid stage. I was pretty much stuck at paranoid about my ability to actually deliver a healthy child until it was over and done with, and I had a happy and healthy child actually in my arms.
Then again, the pregnancy had its share of complications, and I had to go off antidepressants during it (the sound you hear right now is whatever deity you believe laughing at me). In hindsight, my therapist and I now agree that the only way I won’t spend my next pregnancy terrified the whole time would be to just stay on a low dosage anti-anxiety med for the duration.
Kayt says:
Oooh me too! I’ve been having a hard time emotionally here. I went off my Celexa, and within two weeks, I was curled up on the floor sobbing, having disassociative episodes, panic attacks at work; stuff I never had before I was medicated. I am back on a low dose, and I start seeing a therapist that specialises in pregnant women with issues on Thursday.
And yeah, I still poke my belly every few hours if I haven’t felt Pookie squirm, and I’m already doing some deep breathing to get through to my 20 week ultrasound next Tuesday. I start every single appointment with “she’s alive, right?” but I also feel different than I did with my miscarriage. I have a different undercurrent there that I can’t quite articulate right.
Terri says:
I think on some level we do know. I felt that way too when it happened to me. I kept telling my husband somethings not right.
Emily E says:
I know exactly how you feel. With my last miscarriage (number 3), I knew from the beginning it wouldn’t work out. Not a single symptom other than a positive test. But I tried to be optimistic- every single stomachache gave me a little hope. And every week that passed gave me more hope. But right around 11 weeks, it was over. Oddly, my miscarriages always happen right before a doctor’s appt and always on a holiday. And it always sucks.
{hugs}
Lori McBride says:
(((((((((((((((( H U G S )))))))))))))))))
jacky says:
I am so sorry you were right. Hugs from a stranger. Hopefully you will get pregnant again quickly and this one will go for the 9 month stretch.
I am so sorry.
cindy w says:
I wish you hadn’t been right too. This sucks so hard. I’m so sorry. XOXO
Katy says:
Prayers for you. Exact same thing happened to me. Baby measured a week behind, saw no HB, then saw a HB. I knew deep down things were wrong because I didn’t have sore boobs, sickness, etc. But the dr was so optimistic after seeing the HB. I miscarried a week later. Let yourself be sad, mad, etc. I know you will be blessed with another baby. I finally was 8 weeks ago and she’s so amazing.
Zoë says:
I had that same feeling too, that something was off, and I have never been so sad to be proved right. Sending more hugs your way.
Lanie says:
I wish part of you had not been right too. I was so happy when I saw the 2 pink lines but I never let myself truly believe that it was real. And then just like that it was not real any longer.
Sending you hugs. Take care.
Jodie B. says:
Keeping you all in my thoughts!
Pattie says:
I’m so sorry, Heather. How I wish you’d been wrong, too. Hugs and love to you and Mike.
Ashley S says:
Sending you a huge hug! There really aren’t words for hard things like this.
Tara says:
Mike and Heather,
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I wish you an easy recovery and I’m so glad that you have 3 awesome nurses to be by your side.
You’re in my thoughts.
Julie says:
Oh how I wish you hadn’t been right! I am so sorry.
Shana in Texas says:
Oof.
Expat Mom says:
I’ve had three miscarriages and the first, while I had no idea what to expect from pregnancy since it was my very first one, just didn’t feel right. The pregnancy symptoms faded too soon. I had bleeding, and even though my dr. kept saying everything was fine, I knew it wasn’t. Then it repeated for the next two pregnancies. I knew each time.
With my fourth pregnancy, I was just sad, knowing I’d have to go through the whole thing again . . . but my husband was super positive this time. I was mildly surprised to still be throwing up after 2 months, shocked to still be ill at 3 months and even MORE shocked when I actually gave birth to a baby boy at 42 weeks.
I can’t do or say anything to make you feel better, but I’m sending a virtual hug and an “I’ve been there.”
suzanne says:
As others who miscarried have commented, this sounds like my miscarriage — the pregnancy didn’t feel the same as my other pregnancy, part of me knew that something was “off”, the fetus wasn’t measuring according to my well-documented ovulation date, and so on. My only pregnancy symptom was that I felt cold all the time. I only found out months later that I was hypothyroid, which likely contributed to the miscarriage. (You may already be on top of this, but just in case — have you had your TSH levels checked? I eventually found an awesome primary care doc who told me that they should be below 2 for fertility. )
Of course, having a small intuition that something is wrong in no way prepares you for losing the pregnancy, and does not soften the blow one little bit. It still hurts. A lot. I am so sorry you are going through this. Over time, I began to feel better, but the first few months were very rough. Please know that we are thinking of you and wishing you support, strength and love.
Jenifer says:
I am so sorry for your loss.
Barb in Michigan says:
My heart aches for you and Mike.
Nikki says:
I thought about you all weekend. Sending you lots of love.
Tracie says:
Oh Heather. I’m so sorry. I have no words, but I’m praying for you.
katherine says:
Oh, Heather , I am so sorry… Whether you knew or not, this is never easy. Sending you lots and lots of love…
And also… Some assvice: I am not a high risk doctor and even if I were, I have not read your file. So take this with a grain (or bucketload) of salt: But when my own Ms Hirisk (who happens to be a top name in the country) sent me to see mr hotshot hematologist, I was told of the latest research that calls for lovenox injections around ovulation, before the embryo even implants. This was a little over a year ago – I don’t think the research has shown something different since then. So, like I said, your doctor obviously knows stuff that I don’t; but please inquire about this new research, or get a second opinion…
Heather says:
Yes, the plan next time is for me to start a different blood thinner while trying to conceive, and then start Lovenox with a positive pregnancy test. I didn’t start seeing this doctor until I was five weeks pregnant, so it was too late.
Darah says:
Heather, I’ve been thinking of you all week…I’ve been wanting to comment but couldn’t say what I wanted to say for fear of being insensitive, thoughtless or cruel. But, I’ve been there too and now have a beautiful 2 year old boy that wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t lost that pregnancy. Am I happy I miscarried? Hell, no…it was horrible and left me sick (literally) for months with stress related issues. Do I look at my amazing, beautiful and brilliant little boy and think that I would never have been his mommy if it hadn’t happened? I do. Does my loss feel less severe now when I look at my son? It does. It makes me want to cry to imagine that he almost didn’t exist at all. I hope this doesn’t sound insensitive…but I hope it gives you some comfort.
Auntie_M says:
Oh sweet Heather…so very, very, very sorry. So sorry your family has suffered another loss…my heart just breaks for you.
Glenda says:
Soooo sorry for you and Mike
Keeping my fingers crossed and praying that the next time the Dr’s are on top of the game and everything works out just fine for you and baby.
xo
Jesss says:
Sending you and Mike lots of :hugs:. I’m so sorry.
Ally says:
Ugh, Heather, this royally sucks. I’m so sorry.
With my 2 miscarriages, I always felt off. I thought I was being hyper sensitive and paranoid from losing Collin. With my first, I started bleeding at work, and a trip to the ER showed no heartbeat and no fetal pole. I was only 5 weeks so I had a glimmer of hope I just wasn’t far enough along to see anything.
Then with my second, I started cramping, and my OB nurse assured me that it was normal and may be caused by not drinking enough water. I knew she was wrong. But no heartbeat at 7 weeks.
It is so devastating to go through a m/c. It’s a completely different type of grief and loss from losing your child, but it doesn’t make the devastation or sadness any less.
I hope you have a speedy recovery from the D&C.
Annalisa says:
All I can say is: I’m sorry this pregnancy just felt bad from the start.
Nicole Singleton says:
I’m so sorry Heather (and Mike), I wish your gut would have been wrong. Those momma-gut-instincts are usually spot on, though. I hope that your heart has time to heal, and you get pregnant as soon as you’re ready to.
Huge hugs to you!
mccgoods says:
Again I am so sorry just like everyone else.
With my second pregnancy and my second miscarriage I was pregnant with 2 other teachers at work, they were both due 2 weeks ahead of me, and when they would start talking about due dates and how we could probably all have play dates I just felt like I shouldn’t join in that fun talk. Was it a gut feeling or just a worry I don’t know. When I got the notice of the first trimester ultrasound and it was scheduled for April 1st I figured it was already set in stone. What a cruel joke to feel like you are pregnant that morning and by noon have it be said that you are no longer pregnant.
I am really really REALLY angry today I want my babies, I want you to have all your babies I am sending extra tight hugs.
Elizabeth says:
Heather & Mike, my thoughts and prayers are with you. My sister has had this happen to her twice, the first time with twins and the second with a single baby. Both pregnancies stopped growing and she eventually had to have a D&C. Sadly, our doctors do not know what is wrong -though they claim at least one pregnancy was a partial molar pregnancy. She too has a blood clotting disorder we just discovered, MTHFR. The doctors say they are hoping she can carry in the future, but after the second loss my sister isn’t so hopeful. I hope you guys continue to try to give Annie a sibling, I think she will be the best big sister around
Molly says:
It just suckity suck sucks, Heather. I am so sorry.
jenny says:
I’m so sorry for your loss. If I were really your neighbor and not just an internet friend I’d drop off a pot roast or something. I don’t know how that is supposed to help, but it’s a tradition from the heart. Since I’m not a real neighbor please accept my heart-felt condolences and prayers. I hope that your body heals quickly, even though your heart is broken even more. Best wishes.
Bella says:
Dearest Heather and Mike,
I send love and healing prayers your way.
I miscarried at 13 weeks with my first pregnancy then had 2 healthy babies 2 years apart. My last pregnancy felt quite different from the first two so I wasn’t certain I was pregnant until about 9 weeks. My breasts weren’t sore and I wasn’t nauseous at all. However, that last pregnancy was the best of all of them so I HOPE YOU DON’T WORRY if your next one feels different.
Thank you for sharing your laughter, tears, & lives.
You are inspiring.
You help us try to understand.
You are heard.
Sonita says:
Heather, I am so sorry for your loss. After 3 pregnancy losses, I can tell you that you will be forever changed by this experience. Certainly not changed in the same way as losing your precious little girl, but changed none the less. I think of it as a loss of innocence. No more will you begin talking about baby names and planning around a due date the moment you get a positive test result. You will forever be on guard and forever be envious of those who have never had this experience, who seem to get pregnant and stay pregnant all too easily. Platitudes do not make it any less of a loss. Be patient with yourself, and allow yourself to grieve. You have lost a baby. And I am so very sorry….
Joy says:
oh sweet Heather – so sad for you. I have been exactly where you are and all I can say is this too shall pass.
TracyKM says:
I’ve had only one miscarriage out of my 5 pregnancies (and have 3 kids….). Each pregnancy feels different, physically and emotionally and intuitively. It is very true that not having “symptoms” means the pregnancy will miscarry…it is just as possible to be pregnant, sucessfully, and not have any symptoms. To someone (not me) who had a “regular” feeling pregnancy and miscarries, saying you knew something had been wrong all along makes them feel bad–like they should have known somehow. My pregnancy that miscarried was different than the others, but it still could have been normal.
I just want to let others know that it doesn’t matter how you feel physically, it can happen to anyone. And, it’s just as possible to have a symptomless pregnancy. I hope this loss gives you all the info you’ll need to carry the next one successfully to term!
And don’t worry about how you’re grieving. Anyway is normal. Like you say, you’ve had enough grief…right now it’s still shock though, so be patient with yourself. You’ve got to get through the post-partum hormone changes before you can start to deal with the emotional side
Cate says:
I don’t understand this comment. Why are YOU trying to make her feel bad for expressing her feelings? Ridiculous.
TracyKM says:
I’ve had only one miscarriage out of my 5 pregnancies. Each pregnancy feels different, physically and emotionally and intuitively. It is not true that not having “symptoms” means the pregnancy will miscarry…it is just as possible to be pregnant, sucessfully, and not have any symptoms. It’s also true that a pregnancy that feels “different” in the beginning can be successful.
I just want to let others know that it doesn’t matter how you feel physically, it can happen to anyone. I hope this loss gives you all the info you’ll need to carry the next one successfully to term!
And don’t worry about how you’re grieving. Anyway is normal. Like you say, you’ve had enough grief…right now it’s still shock though, so be patient with yourself. You’ve got to get through the post-partum hormone changes before you can start to deal with the emotional side
Kristin says:
Oh, Heather…I am so damned sorry. I’ve been through more first trimester losses than I even care to think about and it sucks. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Mike.
Shelley says:
I’m so sorry. I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks and I also knew something was wrong. It’s amazing what our bodies tell us. I told my husband I didn’t feel pregnant anymore and when I woke up a few days later spotting we found out we had lost the baby. I worried my whole next pregnancy and didn’t relax until he was born! Surround yourself with love and take it easy on yourself!