I have what I call, “The Face.” It’s what you see when you look at me. More specifically, it’s what I show when I let anyone see me. I have worked hard to make it look exactly like it did at the beginning of April. It’s exhausting arranging the face, keeping it steady, not letting it crack.
So when I have to leave the house, I put on The Face. It’s the one that smiles and says she’s “hanging in there.” For the last five plus months, I’ve convinced myself that The Face is for everyone else. So they think I am “OK,” that I’m surviving. But really, it’s for me. So no one treats me differently or asks me how I’m doing. So I don’t have to burden anyone by answering that question honestly. So they don’t have to give me a pep talk or comfort me or be in the awkward position of trying to fix things.
I’ve kept my friends at bay, but they have been waiting for me patiently. They think of me through their own ups and downs. They’ve had inexplicable pain, family strife, surgeries, lost grandparents, or are battling cancer, and they still think of me. It’s time for me to be a better friend to all of them. To stop pushing them away when they just want to be there for me.
So I have started leaving my house. I spent a peaceful weekend on a gorgeous sailboat with my friends.
I spoke at a conference in North Carolina and got a literal lift from another.
In two weeks we are going to the wedding of two dear friends I introduced many years ago.
And then there are all the people that come here. I know it isn’t always easy to read about our life, I’m certain you all have your own things going on. I know you could close your browser and never return here again. But you still come and support us, and I am so thankful.
Going back out into the world without my beautiful daughter by my side is overwhelming. The Face is my crutch. And even though you know it’s there, pretend it isn’t.
{ 165 comments… read them below or add one }
much love to you heather.
It is easy to read her, Heather. Easier than you might know. I want nothing more than to support you and hold you up on days when it all seems too much. I understand so much of what you’re going through. Different yes, but a lot is so similar. I too have pushed away friends in the wake of my daughter’s death. I have slowly started letting them back in, but it has been hard. You and Binky look lovely in the photo. She’s growing so big and strong.
Another astonishing act of bravery in writing tonight, my love. The picture of you & Binky made me very, very happy. The world – we are patient and waiting and full of love. You use The Face as you need it. You take all the time you need. No one is going to leave you alone without love. NO ONE.
It’s the love we keep. It’s all I can sort out that makes any sense. You & Mike are some of my primary teachers in that lesson, though I wish to G-d you weren’t. I love you both, every day, until we meet ag… until we meet
Love you.
You are such a beautiful pregnant mama! Such a cute pic of you “getting a lift”. I’m sorry you ever even had to discover “the face”. I can’t imagine how you are surviving without your baby but I’m glad you are, and binky will one day be so grateful you were able to press on and give her a wonderful life even though it was hard to exist w/o her big sis. Hugs!!
I have no idea what it would feel like to be in your situation, aside from when I read your words. But I do know “The Face”. I have to do it too. Love to you Heather x
(((hugs)))
.-= Young Momma´s last blog ..Broken =-.
Dear sweet Heather,
As long as you keep writing your readers will keep coming here to read your thoughts. You have the love and support of so many of us all around the world, we’re all here for you, holding your hand and supporting you in any way we can – even if its only coming here and reading your posts. I think of you from the moment I wake up every day and I check your blog every day. You are such an amazing lady, dear sweet Heather and such an inspiration to all of us your readers. Through reading your posts we can all see what an amazing friend you are, what an amazing wife, daughter, sister and above all Mama. You really are a fantastic Mama. And WOW you are looking great!! Thanks for sharing the lovely pic of you and the special Binky Bean.
Thinking of you always dear sweet lady.
With love,
your friend, Erica inLuxembourg
I really couldn’t have said it much better. I come here to read every day, whether it is a post of happy Binky updates or in general how you are doing and even on bad days. On all posts, you’ve captured my heart (in a totally healthy, non-stalker way). You’re doing the hardest part and while you may not feel how strong you are, we do. And we applaud and become inspired and love Maddie, MIke, Binky and Rigby right there with you and that is why we keep coming back. Thank you for sharing with US this day-by-day, hour-by-hour journey. Your ‘real life’ friends are quite lucky- I’m sure they miss you and welcome you in whatever degree you’re ready for.
.-= Janeen´s last blog ..When technology really does know better =-.
exactly Janeen, “you’ve captured my heart (in a totally healthy, non-stalker way).”
that is the perfect description of what you have done for me, Heather……you have captured my heart and your writing has made such a difference in my appreciation of life.
THANK YOU and as always, I’m so sorry for the loss of beautiful, amazing Maddie
.
Totally agree. I am constantly thinking about you and your family and praying that you are ok. I am amazed at your spirit and try to make my life more worthwhile because of the beautiful words you write. I never met Maddie, but I feel like I know a huge part of her just because of how you speak about her, the love you show all of us you have for her and the pics. my goodness the pics. Her smile is infectious. Her personality shines through in every picture you post.
You have a very special family. Much love to you.
Absolutely DITTO.
My computer has been giving me issues for a while now but I make sure I always find time and a way to check in on you, coz you are always on my mind ( “in a totally healthy, non-stalker way”). And Maddie is always on my heart.
BIG HUGS and special love to Mike and Binky too!!
Heather, I’ve been reading your blog for only a few months. Regardless, I have an awful lot of love for you and your family. This post reminded me that I ought to let you know.
.-= Teej´s last blog ..Hello, neighbor =-.
I am lovin your necklace in the lift pic!!
In hardship we discover our true friends. I’m so glad you have yours to support you and wait for you. Love to you and yours.
.-= Kate in NZ´s last blog ..Calendar girl =-.
I’m very proud of you. All my love.
.-= Bec´s last blog ..Dealing with miscarriage =-.
I had wondered, before meeting you, how/if to balance the OMGsquee of finally meeting you, with the OMGsadface of mourning for Maddie. As it turned out, I felt I needn’t have worried about it so much–I know that I’ve left a lot of comments here, so that kind of ‘took care of’ the mourning part.
I felt like we had a really organic meeting with good smiles & nurturing happening. (& omgyay SoHappytomeetyou)
So, it is…nice? to know that you prefer to leave stuff unacknowledged. Must make it easier to live in the moment. & I was *very* happy to see that you seemed to be in good spirits, and not nauseous!
Great photo from the conference! ;D
Yeah. What she said.
.-= Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..I know what I eat will kill me, but I choose to Aim Low =-.
…and what a beautiful face it is, even if it is forced. I am falling in love with you, you are so beautiful and inspiring. You really have helped me be the best mom that I can be and that is an answer to my prayers… you are an angel, a beautiful angel, what lucky friends you have!
Heather, you are just so beautiful.
.-= eden´s last blog ..Love and Pain and Truth =-.
I’m so glad you are feeling strong enough to open up about the depths of your pain. We are all pulling for you.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..My parents tortured me with a little brother =-.
I think we all have “the face” for one reason or another…just know that when you don’t have the strength to put it on, your friends are there for you. xo from CT, Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..what kind of tree am I? =-.
Sometimes the face is all we have left. And yours is gorgeous. Heather the pain of missing Maddie and loving her beyond words, coupled with the arrival of Binkie in the future, I can’t imagine. But I’m here sending love across the ocean xxx
.-= Seraphim´s last blog ..Rory’s Garden, Part 11 =-.
Don’t worry we all have “A Face” that we put on to show others that we are brave, unyielding, strong, and steady. THe difference is that you are just wearing your more often. I do hope that you have come to realize that your friends don’t need you to wear “The Face” for them, and I don’t believe that the people here need you to wear it either.
.-= charlane´s last blog ..Baby Girl =-.
You are loved beyond belief, and your friends understand if you need to look after yourself before “being a friend”. 5 months isn’t very long to compose yourself after such extreme torture, but it must feel like forever with empty arms =(((
Big, big hugs
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Watching daddy play beach volleyball =-.
We are all here for you. Sending love from the Midwest!
Heather, I put on a “face” every day. I struggle from clinical depression and infertility and every morning when my eyes opn, I have to put it on. Sometimes when I look back at the end of the day I see that there were points that I was actually happy and then there were other days that my “face” gets me by. My poor friends never know what is going on behind my face. . they would be surprised (horrified) at the crap that goes thru my head sometimes. I hope and pray for you and Maddie and Mike and Binky everyday
I am so familiar with the Face of my own. I think we all are. And you? Face or no face, we can all see that you are amazing.
.-= pgoodness´s last blog ..Update! =-.
First of all hopefully people are telling you constantly that you are an absolutely gorgeous pregnant mommy. So pretty!
You write, we read, try to understand, and wish you didn’t have to live life like this.
I can only imagine how hard day to day life it for you now….. I wish it weren’t so, but glad you have this outlet and your many friends to continue to hold you up.
Despite your pain, you shine and are beautiful. Your passion for life has not left, it must just feel that way. I am glad that you got to be amongst friends even for short times, we all need those lifts, even when we are not dealing with the excruciating pain that you face when going out without that beautiful, bright spark at your side. I’m sure you feel that you are missing a limb. I wish you some peace this week – I will never stop reading your journey, nor supporting you. My children are Maddie fans. We have some purple flowers growing out of nowhere the past few days, all tangible signs that she is around and watching over you and Mike and Binky and Rigby. We will continue to keep you in our thoughts and prayers every day. You are courageous beyond belief.
With love, Tricia x
.-= Tricia (irishsamom)´s last blog ..Remembering 9/11 – Repost – 8 Years =-.
We all have a sort of “face” that we put on when we leave the house, so I can see what you’re talking about when you say that it helps. I hope that having Binky helps, too. Good luck with her
I know what it’s like to keep The Face on so that nobody will worry, so that nobody will know how deep the pain is.
But this past weekend, I let The Face slip, and I haven’t felt so calm in years.
Can’t wait to hear about all the fun occasions coming up…
.-= ClassyFabSarah´s last blog ..Wonderful Wedding Weekend =-.
Heather. I’ve been quietly reading you all the way from over here in Tanzania for these past few months. And I think that anything you need to do just to get through the day is just fine. Do it. No need to apologize to anyone… especially not us, the people rooting for you from afar.
You’re awesome.
Hugs to you Heather. Sometimes surviving will just have to be good enough. Thinking of you!
.-= Christine´s last blog ..Oh hai! =-.
I am continually impressed by your strength. Putting the face on is not easy by any means. My thoughts as always are with you.
Amazing. Big hugs…I’ll keep reading, and rooting for you all the way, Heather, no matter what face you wear.
We know how how traumatizing it was for you, and still is Heather, that is why we keep coming back. It’s called true friendship my love! It’s very hard to find these days, and I have had it in return, so I don’t know what it is like. You are one lucky woman to have SO many faithful friends in cyberspace and around you. I know you would give it all up to have one second with Maddie Moo back, and I don’t blame you. No one is expecting anything in return from you, Heather. You take as long as you need to wear that “Face”. We all understand. That is why we are here. That is what friends are for. Anyone who doesn’t understand that, are not your true friends. It has only been barely six months …not long enough to grieve. So I am here to tell you, you take as long as you need, put the face away, and someday you will have a real, true face.,,, just for us. We love you Heather!!!
I read you every single night before I go to sleep because I want to.
We are here because we love you and your family.
.-= Toni Brockliss´s last blog ..giveaway! =-.
We’re all familiar with the face, in one way or another. I’m just so sorry that your face is there for such sad and awful reasons.
Your internet family understands your having to wear the face and is always here to listen to your words and try and take some of that pain from you.
((Hugs))
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Belly laughs =-.
I’ve worn the face myself… and you’re right.. it’s for us more than anyone else, it’s the only thing that got me through the -minutes- when I had to be around others. While my daughter was in a coma I would not let anyone in… couldn’t even let them visit. The face was the first thing I learned how to do to get through the initial going-back-out-into-the-world days… You write beautifully, someday you might write a book about your experience and overcoming it one minute at a time. One of the things that I found astounding during our ordeal was that there was nothing for me to read on it, nothing to compare, not many who had been where we’de been and could share or compare experiences with. Because of your gift, you can put something like that together when the wounds aren’t so raw. Glad you are allowing yourself some joy again, however fleeting the minutes are. But they are coming…
.-= karen M.´s last blog ..Up to the Rafters… =-.
Hi Heather,
I can totally relate to “The Face”. When I became ill, I wasn’t able to pretend I was okay but almost 4 yrs later, I’ve become better at hiding it. There is still those who dare to know me well. Who watch me move, get up, sit down and take a step without an expression….yet, they are the ones who look at me with a sympathetic smile as if to say “I know you’re in pain and I’m still right here”.
Yours and at times Mike’s is the only Blog I come to every day. I don’t know why or how it happened but somehow I’ve become very endeared with you both and very protective. Even with all that is going on in my life….I still care for you guys. I even have a gift for the baby I will send to her when she is born.
Maybe it’s because I fell in love with Maddie? Maybe it’s because I love your sense of humour? Maybe it’s because I understand so much what you write about? Or, maybe it’s because…I too have “The Face” but, coming here….well, there is “No face required” and sometimes, just sometimes….that’s a good thing.
I’m so very sorry, Heather. Even though I don’t know you, know that I pray for you and your family and think of precious Maddie often.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..Thankful Tuesday! =-.
We all love you very much and are always supporting you. Thank you for sharing.
(((hugs)))
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..Quick Sketch =-.
I love you Heather. You are beautiful.
(((hugs))) from one Heather to another!
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Vote! =-.
Mama, you don’t know me but I’ve been following your story for a while now. I woke up this morning with you on my mind but didn’t know why, so I said a little prayer for you. I hope you have a bit of wonderful in your life today.
I come here everyday. Sometimes I don’t even make to People.com Please keep writing. You change lives for the better
Um, how did your nausea and the sailboat get along?!
Thinking of you and Mike.
You look beautiful in that “getting a lift” photo
You keep wearing your face and we’ll keep reading. Supporting you as you survive this unknown life.
One thing I’ve learned about you from reading your posts and your tweets is that you are an amazing friend. Even through all of this tragedy you have continued to be an amazing friend.
Finally, I read because I want to. I read because being a friend is about being there through the good times and through the bad times.
Hugs.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Breastfeeding Challenges: The Lazy Nurser =-.
You’re right. We’re here. I don’t comment often but I read every post and think of you so often.
.-= Susan´s last blog ..Machete? Check; Plastic Sheeting? Check =-.
I read every day. Every single day. I don’t know how much it helps for you to know we are here, but we are. Love to you and your family.
That picture of you with Anissa & VDog might be one of my favorites from the whole weekend.
I love that I actually got to spend some time with you this past weekend. You are amazing, and I am so proud to call you my friend. xoxo
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..Type-A Mom Conference Recap =-.
Sending happy thoughts and many hugs to you, Heather.
Oh, sweetie – keep going, we’re hangin’ in there rooting for you and Mike, cheering you on from cyber space, not for any other reason than you are part of our lives, our network, our families now.
I miss it when you don’t check in every day, I cross my fingers every day is better (for the want of another word) than the last, that THIS day will help you get over the horror of April, although that day is most likely to never come, you will just get used to living with it, but we’ll still be here.
“Gimme an S, gimme a P, gimme an O, gimme an H, gimme an R, gimme an S”
Dan, my very soon (2 days away) to be husband sends you his best, and while he doesn’t read you daily, he asks how you are doing. I’ll tell him, today you’ve got your face on, you’re out the house, you’re in the big wide world, wondering WTF happened, but you’re still here, so are we – in Melbourne, for you, for Mike, for Binky, for Maddie.
Much love,
M xx
.-= Maddie´s last blog ..Sunday night =-.
I think you are very brave, with or without the face.
You are doing exactly waht you need to be doing…putting one foot in front of the other as you navigate the rocky waters of grief and missing your precious Madeline with every ounce of your being. I check your blog first thing every morning so I know how your day has been and what prayers I need to send your way that day. You, Mike, Maddie and Binky are always, always in my thoughts. xoxo
You are a true light even when all you feel is darkness around you. I admire you and love your posts – they come from your heart, the core of who you are.
Please know that you are always loved and lifted every day by those of us who YOU’VE inspired by your courage, strength and heartfelt honesty.
I don’t know if you are a Greys anatomy fan..but the following lines always make “sense” when trying to explain it to other people (at least for me when I lost my dad at 15)…
CRISTINA: “There’s a club. The Dead Dads Club. And you can’t be in it until you’re in it. You can try to understand, you can sympathize. But until you feel that loss… My dad died when I was nine. George, I’m really sorry you had to join the club.”
GEORGE: “I… I don’t know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn’t.”
CRISTINA: “Yeah, that never really changes.”
It never really changes and the fact that you come on here once a day to share your feelings…good, bad, and the ugly just makes us all want to read more.
That quote will forever be the most helpful scene in television.
And again, I only got to see you long enough to huggle you a few times. Never enough, never enough. Yet. Strangely. It’s okay.
As I’ve said before, we love the Heather you have been and the Heather you are becoming.
wow! this speaks to me.
Grey’s had a great episode on grief for their season opener…the last narrative was beautiful too..
Lexie: [narrating] Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.
Mark: It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change.
Alex: And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
Izzie: That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive.
Derek: By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much.
Bailey: Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.
Owen: So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.
Meredith: The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it.
Arizona: The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
Callie: And let it go when we can.
Meredith: The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again.
Cristina: And always, every time, it takes your breath away.
Meredith: There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.
Alex: Denial.
Derek: Anger.
Bailey: Bargaining.
Lexie: Depression.
Richard: Acceptance
This season’s first episode struck a chord with me – it made me realize how powerfully strong and sometimes overwhelming grief is. I couldn’t help but think of Heather & Mike and all that they’ve been through and struggle with on a daily basis. No one can take away their pain and sorrow but we are all here to comfort them in any way we possibly can – whether it be through our words or actions.
My prayers and thoughts are always with you Heather and Mike. Thank you for being real, for being true inspirations to all of us.
I am blown away by your strength. With or without The Face, you are an amazingly wonderful human being. I keep coming back and reading every day because I’ve been inspired by this awesome Mom whom I’ve never even met in real life.
(((HUGS))) to you from Florida
I’m glad to read that you had a good weekend. You look wonderful! Like so many others, I will always, always read your blog. Mike’s too. (((Hugs))) to you guys.
Omaha, NE here and every single day I grab my coffee and sit and wait for my computer to connect just so I can check in on someone’s family I have never met. I’ve never met someone who touched me to the CORE with their realness. I pray every single day for you and yours..to give you love, laughter again, strength, peace in some form, health and so very much more. God loves you and yours. He knows your pain and sorrow and He DOES have a plan. We don’t get it, understand it, or even want it sometimes. I know more than you think I could know. But He DOES. Open your heart to Binky. Push the fears away. Bond with Binky. Share stories about Maddie. And you and Mike. God bless Heather. This is your safe spot, you can come here WITHOUT your Face anytime. We love you and are listening. And praying.
By the way – I know it sucks, and I know it hurts, and I know it’s there. If you want to talk about it, you will, if you don’t, we won’t. These are the things I thought of when we were at lunch together and I had Alex with me. And the things I smiled about when you said he could just sit on your lap (if there was room).
You look beautiful Heather.
Maddie is forever in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs from Minnesota.
It isn’t always easy to read Heather but I still do, every day. Yours is the first post I read in the morning and on the days where there is no post I wonder and I worry.
Somedays are more difficult than others….because I feel totally helpless to help your pain. I don’t know what to say or have any words of wisdom.
You don’t even know me, I just stumbled on here and got hooked by your eloquent writing and Maddie’s beautiful face.
I know what it is like to lose someone you love, to feel like the world has crumbled around you and you’re in a dark pit…but it’s not totally the same. I’ve never lost a child and so while I know my own grief….I don’t know yours.
All I can say is that my heart has broken for you many times. That if I could take on some of your hurt I would but since I can’t, I will be here…every day…reading and hoping and praying and rooting for you and Mike. Lots of Love.
I just completed my very first triathlon—the Angel’s Race, where people race in honor of the angels that have inspired them. Although I ran for my brother and my son, who continue to inspire me and bring me joy, I also thought of you guys and Maddie in some of the race’s more difficult moments. I thought of your loss, and how it’s clear you would do anything in your power to have your daughter back. Then I thought of my own son, and how I’d do anything to make sure he knows how much I love him, how blessed I am to have him. And so I kept going, even when I thought I couldn’t possibly put one foot in front of the other.
I’m sure you don’t want to hear about how your loss has inspired other people to appreciate what we have all the more. It’s a strange cocktail of emotions because we, too, wish you could have her back. Just know that your beautiful daughter is in the thoughts and hearts of so many people who want you to know this: We’re behind you.
.-= Erin´s last blog ..This post was not paid for by the mentioned brand. Although I’d be happy to take retroactive compensation if they’re offering. =-.
sometimes you just have to survive. even if it takes 5+ months.
.-= Momma Uncensored´s last blog ..calendar girl =-.
Beautiful post Heather, you have brought tears to my eyes again. Hang in there. I went through a period while grieving, where I actually felt “guilty” for going out and trying to do things socially again or smiling (hard to explain) but keep your chin up, glad to hear your getting out.
Lots of hugs to you.
Michele Wallace
We could never close the browser and never return, your way too funny for that
Plus we all care for you and your family like our family.
I think of your suffering on sunny days when I know you would want to play with your Maddie and on rainny days that could depress ANYONE.
You are always in my thoughts and prayers and I am honored!
I will never stop coming here. I only wish I actually knew you in person, because I so know we’d be good friends. Take care.
.-= Mary@Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Never Leave Home Without A Migraine =-.
don’t worry about all those people waiting. you come out when you are ready. we all love you, facade or not.
.-= Sara @heartmychloe´s last blog ..marks =-.
Heather you’re moving along the road and we’re with you every step of the way.
Thanks for allowing us to see through you. We love you, and let me just say, I LOVE your necklace in the conference photo.
Oh I wish I’d been at the conference with you! So glad you were able to go and have a good time.
I know the face…I still do the face some days, like on her birthday and angel day and when we go to the cemetery with family.
It’s okay to do the face, no problem with that. Find those you are comfortable enough with to show your grief and to take the face off or you may become very overwhelmed very quickly.
XOXO!
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Full =-.
We don’t know each other but I read your blog often and pray for you and your family.
I’m here for you forever…with The Face or without it. I love you!
You can wear The Face as long as you need to. Your friends can always see the real you. And as I often say to you, I wish I could do something to help besides just be a reader and offer my support for whatever that’s worth. But I will continue to do that for as long as you need it.
I think it takes a huge amount of courage for you to face every new day without your trusty sidekick by your side, where she belongs. I am so sorry for your loss.
.-= JAR´s last blog ..Touch a Truck =-.
I have never meet you. I do feel your pain and my heart breaks for you all. You are a loving person and I love reading about your family. I love the picture of your baby stomach
You and your whole family have beautiful faces and hearts. The pain doesn’t and wont scare us away.
*hugs*
.-= Danielle´s last blog ..Can you add? What is 2 + 1? =-.
Don’t feel the need to put on The Face on our account. We love you no matter what.
xoxo
.-= AMomTwoBoys´s last blog ..Life Decisions =-.
I’m always thinking about you. You are one of the bravest people I know. I love you!
First – you look beautiful…Second – I read daily (yours is the first I look to for updates in my reader and the first I read every morning). I feel privledged that you share your life with us. Sending you love and hugs from an online friend who thinks the world of you and your family.
xoxo
There are no words to make you feel better or to “fix” things. But there are people out here who want to help hold you up and want you to know that we remember Maddie. That she left her mark on the world even with the short time she was here. I think that is one of the only things I can do for you – remember her. Laugh and smile at her pictures and videos, grieve with you for her loss. My heart goes out to you. I remember Maddie. All your readers remember Maddie.
Hugs to you.
.-= Christiana´s last blog ..Growing Up Too Fast =-.
What a great realization and action. I wish you luck with your future outings and use your crutch as much as you need.
)
Hoping the best for you!
Aloha
.-= Aljolynn´s last blog ..Birthday Month Closing =-.
am I selfish to keep hoping the new little baby looks exactly like maggie? because there was no child more adorable. truly.
Much love to you my friend!
xoxo
.-= Kristabella´s last blog ..Oh No She Diii’n’t! =-.
It sounds like you have some amazing friends and they will be there for you whether you put the face on or decide to have a day when you “crack”. Lean on your friends and let them fill you up-you need them and they need you.
I’m so glad you’re trying to get out more-it’s good for you. You’re amazing and strong and wonderful. ((hugs))
You look so beautiful!! ((HUGS))
Heather, I know myself and so many others will always come back and read about your life. Because not only are you a wonderfully honest human being and a great writer, but you, Mike, Maddie, and Binky have taken up permanent residence in our hearts.
xoxo
.-= Alison´s last blog ..Look, Ma! No twin! =-.
Your family has taken up a permanent place in my heart, thoughts and prayers. As long as you are willing to share your life myself and many others will be here to support you.
You are one amazing, beautiful lady!
{{{HUGS}}}
.-= Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..Singing In The Blue =-.
Dear Heather,
I’m so glad you are finding the strength to go out into the world…you’re friends and family are so lucky to have you there! Again, as I read your words I find myself in awe of your ability to write from the heart, so honestly and openly. Everyday my heart breaks for your loss. Wishing you wellness each and everyday! Always thinking of you, Mike, Maddie and Binky!
~Liz
((((((( HUGS ))))))))
BTW You look fabulous!!!
I know that face, I’ve had to put it on myself at some not too distant points in my life. And you’re correct that it is as much for us as it is for those who know us. Thank you for so bravely and eloquently sharing your thoughts and feelings with us each day. Reading your blog has for a long time now been a part of my daily ritual – the only blog I read on a regular basis in fact. The thing I have been wishing most of all for you and Mike is some moments of peace from the pain and utter devastation that you’re experiencing, so I’m really happy that you’re reconnecting with those people who love you most.
Heather, I never stop being amazed at how wonderful you are, and at how well you are able to articulate a single feeling. Thank you for sharing. You are amazing and beautiful <3
.-= Kat´s last blog ..(i love my) geeky boyfriend =-.
Heather, my prayers are with you and your family. You are one brave woman.
Thank you for sharing with us.
God Bless you and your family.
Heather
You are one amazing woman. I don’t “know” you personally but have come to know you via this website. You have taught me so much in the last 5 months. I think of you daily.
Big hugs from Oregon
Wow, that’s just how I feel most of the time. I hope your joy is restored soon and you no longer have to carry around the face with you…that one day you wake to find you have a new face…one you don’t have to remember to wear. I pray your pain will be soothed and you have only a smooth scar that reminds you what once was, but isn’t nearly as painful as the wound. Thank you for always sharing so honestly. Know that your words are helping some understand and define their own grief. I hope a sweet memory of your precious Madeline surfaces today. Maybe one you had forgotten. Blessings to you,
Christy
.-= Christy´s last blog ..The Long-Awaited Website is Here =-.
Heather, You look so good in your pic and Binky does too. She’s growing and getting big!
You are awesome…an inspiration! I believe everyone has “the face” for one thing or another. I come here every day to read about you, Mike, Maddie and Binky. I love your posts and when you share pics of Maddie. I love to see Binky grow. Through your journey I pray for your comfort and hope every day becomes less pain for you. I hope that when Binky comes you can feel the joy of being a mother again and enjoy Binky to the fullest. Sending you hugs! XXX
Hugs,
you are so brave. You inspire me daily.
Dawn said up above, “As I’ve said before, we love the Heather you have been and the Heather you are becoming.” I don’t know you at all… just through this blog. But I have read your before posts and your after posts and Dawn’s comment just struck me. I’m so sorry that you have to wear “The Face.” But… I’m glad that you’re going back out in the world. You look beautiful in the “life” photo… and to see that round belly… makes me teary eyed. You look happy in that photo… laughing and smiling… even if it is the face. One day the laughing and smiling will be real again… and the Face will be something you drag out only occasionally instead of all the time. That’s my hope and wish for you. When I get to work each morning, your blog is the first thing I check. I have to… just have to… know how your day has been. When you have a good post, I’m elated; when you have a bad/sad post, I’m in tears. You have touched so many people in ways you’ll never know… Maddie has touched us all. We all love you. (That sounds weird to say to someone you’ve never met!). I wish we could meet IRL. You’re just the sort of friend I’d love to have. Wishing you love and hugs from NJ.
I meant “lift” photo… not life!
Heather,
I’ve gone through alot of loss these last months (the latest being loss of my right fallopian tube and a much wanted pregnancy), and seeing you face with world with such bravery, in Maddie’s honor, is such a comfort to me.
Thank you for your honesty.
Rachel
pipsylou.blogspot.com
hmmm, i think i have a face too.
Moving on….
1. you look amazing. Truly Heather.
2. Where did you get that awesome necklace? I heart it.
3. Baby steps honey. Just keep doing it, because you are doing amazing.
4. write what you need too. When you need too. I’ll still be here.
Huge hugs.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..Happy birthday Renee!!!! =-.
You have an amazing gift for putting words to your feelings. I know for sure that you have helped people you have never met, as well as those you have.
i started readin your blog about a month before that adorable baby girl left you. i cried a lot when i read what had happened. “the face”, i put it on almost everyday, only not for the loss of a child but for my grandfather, who was more like a father to me. he passed 5 years ago this last august. i have found that the face helps a lot. when my family starts to talk about pappap i screw on the face so i dont fall over crying my eyes out. i can’t say it’s gotten any easier has the days and weeks have turned into months and years but i can tell you when i think about him it still feels like he’s here in the room with me and that has become a great comfort. maddie will forever be watching over moke, ms. binky, and yourself.
Heather, we don’t come back because we have to, we read your blog because we want to. It’s our little way of checking in on you and supporting you. You help us with your grace, strength, and courage more than you know.
I’ve been going through some health issues lately, and every day when I feel so nauseous I don’t want to get out of bed, I think of you–if you can get up and face each day, I certainly can.
It’s more than just a brave face, even though it may not feel that way.
Hugs.
.-= Noelle´s last blog ..Why I Can’t Die =-.
You’re a beautiful person inside and out Heather. I hope one day you don’t have to wear the face anymore and can just be. In one realm you are without your Maddy, but she is there and she’s always with you…always will be. You’re her mother and no one can take that away from you.
.-= Kathryn in Berlin´s last blog ..My new life =-.
I love that you write so truthfully, it makes me feel like there is a connection even if we’ve never met.
Love You
Love Maddie
.-= themaggers´s last blog ..Thank You =-.
You’re a brave, kind, wonderful woman. I’m thinking of you, and Maddie and Mike, always. I can honestly say that not a day passes that I don’t think of your family.
They say “fake it til you make it” – and though this is obviously a much larger, more tragic scale….. it applies. I hope you make it sooner than later.
.-= MommyGeekology´s last blog ..They Say it’s Your Birthday =-.
You look beautiful in the photo above! And I think you are doing amazingly well, even though you probably feel like shit most of the time. Thanks for sharing with all of us–I think “the face” comes off every so often in your writing. I hope it does, anyway. We can take it!
In my honest opinion, Mike and Heather Spohr are the absolute BRAVEST family I personally know of. You’re just as brave as those who lost loved ones on 09/11/2001. President and Mrs. Obama need to come to your home personally and hand you the Medal of Freedom. You’re braver than Dave Roever, the evangelist who was burned over half his body in a VietNam grenade accident. You’re braver than Jackie Kennedy whose husband was felled by an assassin’s bullet. You’re braver than Coretta Scott King who lost her young husband to an assassin’s bullet.
You’re as brave if not braver than those mentioned above. You will continue to be that brave until the day you walk into Heaven’s gates and Maddie races to the front of the gate to welcome you home.
I continue to be very thankful I came upon this blog, I continue to think of you often and everytime I do, I pray for you.
http://photobucket.com/images/purple%20butterfly/
Purple butterflies for you.
You look so beautiful in that picture Heather…with your cute binky bump:)
All my love to you and Mike.
Heather,
I think the face is necessary, and no one would begrudge it to you for a moment. In fact, I’m glad you have found it, for even though it may often tell something other than the full truth, it sounds like it is allowing you do do some things that are helping.
I know the face, I have one too. I think that this horrible experience requires quite a few masks that we never thought we’d have to conjure. I can only hope for you what I always have -that somehow you continue to get what you need.
{{HUGS}} as always,
SJ
Heather,
I am not in your situation, but I can tell you from what I have experienced that should not be wearing the “facade.” It think this will just wear you out even more. You are grieving. What you went through is horrible (can’t find the right words) and no one should expect you to look okay. Don’t burden yourself more : hugs :
From speaking with my psychologist, part of my anxiety attacks comes from keeping up with the appearances. I do not wish this to happen to you, not that it will.
Everyone who reads your blog is behind you and understands how you feel.
I think of you often…everyone does
Sounds like you have awesome friends, great family and thousands of readers who don’t care what kind of face you put on, we are all there to listen (or read) and all wish you weren’t sad.
I’m happy to hear you were out and about, the sailboat trip looks beautiful! And you look great getting a “lift” from a friend, pretty necklace!
.-= Sherry From KS´s last blog ..First Days of Walking Video =-.
I’ll always be here for you. I love you and I love your family.
Oh honey….Not many of us really know the pain you are feeling- but we all are here for you and are continuing to pray for you and Binky…all our love xoxo…
Heather all your “creeps” love you because you are so very easy to love…you and Maddie and Binky.
just wanted to say that i puffy heart you.
.-= amanda´s last blog ..no you’re a mum =-.
I have a Face too, I think in some ways we all do. The reason that I may wear my face can not possibly ever touch the reason that you wear yours, but I think sometimes it is necessary to wear in order to get through some moments.
You are a beautiful, wonderful, amazing, brave woman and no matter what face you wear, I love and admire you.
you are so strong….no matter what the support of your friends is always there! Thank you again for sharing…
You are beautiful in that purple sweater.
I’m not concerned with “your face” at all. We all do what we need to in order to make it through the day.
You are brave and strong and a wonderful person to me.
.-= Haley´s last blog ..Halloween-y =-.
“It’s time for me to be a better friend to all of them. To stop pushing them away when they just want to be there for me.”
^^You are an astounding woman! I can’t believe that you’re still writing on here each day, and that each day you choose to live. I don’t know from experience, but that has got to be so incredibly hard. So incredibly hard to keep going on with life. You are a warrior. Yes, you are. <3
Having spent many hours w/ you this past weekend alone and w/ others, I hope both the silence left alone and the noisy camaraderie all helped.
Please, please know there are hundreds, if not thousands of people rooting for you who just don’t know what to say. Some of us will say the wrong thing, some of us will say just the right thing. But we all support you and want to help you through however we can.
.-= Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..I know what I eat will kill me, but I choose to Aim Low =-.
Bless you.
You’re amazing. Binky is lucky to have such a strong mommy!
well said.
we all love you and your face.
no matter what.
I’m happy to shove chicken in that face any chance I get, no matter how happy or sad it is.
Chicken saves all.
Except the chickens that is.
.-= moosh in indy.´s last blog ..hiding. =-.
I speak for everyone who cannot be there to hold your hand, offer a sympathetic ear to listen, shoulder to cry on, or just ‘be’ there for support – yes, you ARE loved and thought of daily by all of us! And that includes Mike, Rigby and lovely little Binky. We feel your pain and share your joys!
I still check your blog every-single-day. I don’t comment very often but not because I am not thinking of you. I just don’t know how many times the same thing can be repeated by your readers, I don’t very often know how to say it in another way.
I think of you multiple times a day. Which might be strange because I have never met you. But still, I can not help but think of you, and Mike, Maddie and Binky. I think of you all and pray that you continue to have the amazing strength that you have shown this year.
You’re an inspiration to all of us who have had to put on our own “face”. As with most of your other readers, i have a “face” too. It is not for the same reason as yours, but I understand the need for it.
I believe that one of the worst things anyone can say to a person who has lost a loved one is “you should take comfort in knowing they are not in pain and that they are in a better place”. Do people not realize that grieving is for the living? We grieve because we are left here without those that we love, not because they have moved on. Yes, (if you believe in God) they are in a much better place. That does not make us feel better about being left here without them.
I know that your grief is different than mine or that of most of your other readers. And I agree with the line from Grey’s about everyone feeling thier loss differently, even if it’s the same kind of loss. No one can fully understand what someone else feels because every single person is so different.
Just know that we are all here for you. And we are all thinking of you. Even those of us who have never met you or Mike and who never got the chance to meet the Famous Madeline. <3
You know, I read you blog, and I read Matt Loglin’s, and both of you can make me cry. Often. And sometimes I wonder why I come back. I don’t have to cry for strangers’ grief, strangers who live on the other side of the country from me. But I keep coming back. I think because I feel invested. Because Maddy and Liz are real for me, even if I only found out about them after they were gone. I believe you when you say it helps that people are reading and supporting you, and even though it makes me sad, I know it’s absolutely nothing compared to your sadness. So I want to help however I can, even if that’s just by making sure you know that Maddie is remembered and loved all the way over here, too. Hang in there. And use the face when you need to. That’s why it’s there.
Heather – the thought of you leaving the house made me so happy. By the way, you are a damn fine looking pregnant woman, my friend.
Love to you, as always.
.-= andi´s last blog ..First Day =-.
I’m here everyday. I don’t comment because everyone else seems to say what I would.
You amaze me on so many levels. I’ve cried with you and for you; I’ve read many posts with tears streaming down my face. I’ve literally thought of you and Mike so many times, it’s not even funny.
Just know you and Mike are thought of by a chick in upstate NY. A chick who has learned to enjoy what I have even more so than before. I’ve learned a lot from reading your blog these last five months.
For that, I thank you. I truly, truly thank you.
.-= Kellie´s last blog ..Felt In More Ways Than One =-.
I could never stop coming here. Maddie’s smile melted my heart and embedded itself there. I couldn’t imagine life without your updates.
xoxo
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Happy Birthday Renee =-.
Heather, You are one amazing lady/mum.
Take all the time you need…and use whatever facade you need to keep going. Know that you are so strong, and so much loved. Sending you a hug from across the ocean.
Good to see Binky growing well, and so good to see a smile on your dial.
Love Lisa
.-= Lisa Wood´s last blog ..So Need More Time!! =-.
The face is sometimes such a saving grace but know that if there is ever a time where the face falls or cracks, you have thousands of friends; ready to be there to listen and offer support and comfort to you and Mike and Binky.
Thinking of you
Amen …….
I’m playing catch up on your most recent posts…darn firewall put up on my office computer! That and it is hard to read blogs on an iphone at times AND I don’t get on the computer at night after work. Excuse, excuse, excuse. But I just love reading about you and your life. I pray for you and Mike. Thank you for allowing us into your lives.
~Hugs from TX
.-= Alli´s last blog ..Long Time No Blog =-.
Dear Heather,
please know you’re thought of and love (in a plautonic way) by many, many people.
Sending you love and warmest wishes and prayers.
Vic
.-= Vic´s last blog ..friends =-.
I have never met you but I feel like I know you (well kinda). I talk about your life with my family and friends and tell the experieinces you share with us. I can relate in different ways, for example today I remember I had a face when my daughter was in the NICU. I told people what I thought they wanted to hear and I pushed people away. You are human. Your expectation of yourself is higher than what any of us expect from you. I’m so happy that I found your blog, I look forward to reading all week long. Keep taking care of yourself and do stuff in your own time. Your true friends will be there when you are up for it.
.-= Barb´s last blog ..Grandparents =-.
Like so many others, I check this every single day, and I will keep reading as long as you keep writing. I think of you and your family almost more between posts than when I’m checking your blog, hoping that you are surviving, that you are still putting one foot in front of another.
I have this belief that empathy goes a long way, that shared tears and smiles have to do something, even if they don’t erase any pain… so I will keep reading.
Much love.
.-= Laurie´s last blog ..Lydipalooza =-.
Love love love you all. You are brave and beautiful.
.-= Kellee´s last blog ..Love Thursday: Jason =-.
You write. I will read. I will ignore the face. Keep stepping out the door. Things will never change, but at the same time they will change slowly.
My thoughts are with you. And my eyes will always read yours.
It’s nice to hear your trying to push your self to get out and to put on THE FACE, even if it’s just THE FACE it’s progress
This week I read on the Mexican news the passing of the daughter of a young singer and actress I have admire since she was a little girl. I wish I could let her know about your blog. I’m sure hearing from you could help her. Her baby was born also premature, she spent the first 5 month in the hospital, and just one at home. Very sad story. Anyway I don’t want you to feel sad, but I’m sure your blog helps people in some many ways, some people might share the same loss, and other people might be able to learn of how to help or understand a friend or relative with a similar situation.
This is a link where you can see a picture of the person I’m talking about
http://www2.esmas.com/entretenimiento/farandula/100492/da-lidia-vila-ultimo-adios-hija
Thanks for sharing your feelings with all of us.
Liliana
Great post, Heather. First time I’ve smiled reading your blog in a while. Love the picture of you!
Dearest Heather… I am always at a loss… I just.. feel so deeply in my heart for you. Not a day goes by I don’t think of you, or look at my daughters & think of Maddie and pray for your strength.
I think you are brave, strong, and beautiful, and I thank you for continuing to share your sweet baby (& Binky) with all of us…
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..SGMRadio.com archives: Laughing over spilled milk =-.
Glad to hear you have been getting out more and enjoying time with friends. You look so beautiful ‘getting a lift’
I keep coming back because if any one of my comments helps you feel a tiny bit better, then it is worth it. You are so honest in everything you write that it is breathtaking. Happy thoughts to you and Mike.
Heather, I have never “met” you in person, but I really feel like I know you, like you are a friend. I come here daily because I care, the same reason I check out Mike’s blog as well as the other’s I post on my blog. I care. You are loved more then you can possibly imagine! And? We are all here for you whenever you need to lean on us. Like all of these other friends of yours, I AIN’T goin anywhere. And the “you” that emerges from all of this pain you are suffering? Will always be the beautiful “you” that you are! Much love from Arizona, Patty
.-= Patty´s last blog ..Here I am, thanks to Legolas! =-.
I have only commented once before, but I just wanted to let you know that I read every single day. When I wake up in the morning yours is the first site I look at. I think about you, Mike, Maddie, Binky and Rigby every day.
Lots of hugs from TN
Missy
I love this picture of you and your friends giving you a lift. I see true expressions of joy in all of your faces and I am glad that you are embracing your friends and allowing them to embrace you. While reading your blog often dissolves me into tears and even though I miss a little girl I never had the pleasure of meeting, your family is part of my life and my life is better because of all of you.
You look beautiful. I think of you all the time, and of Maddie even more often. Good luck navigating the world again. It is brave to try.. we’re here no matter what face you wear.
I look forward to reading your blog everyday, Heather. You are a wonderful writer and a beautiful/wonderful mommy! Thank you for inviting us into your life.
Oh Heather,
Your posts sometimes make me cry so hard. Reading your words now makes me remember.
I called my face ‘the mask’ and like you I would put it on when i finally started making my way in the world.
Some days I still have to fix it to my face. Not often now but still… sometimes.
I didn’t have a blog and had no way of expressing how I was feeling but your words sometimes make my heart go thunk.
Because you know
and
because I thought I was the only one who thought about having a different face in the public eye.
Oh Heather – you ARE hanging in there & you ARE surviving.
The picture of you & your friends is wonderful. You are totally surrounded by smiles – and even if you are wearing The Face – you look beautiful.
Sometimes when I read your blog I cry, mainly b/c I’ve been touched by you and Maddie in ways I didn’t think possible.
But I also feel I gained something special from you all and will continue to read. Continue to support you from the East Coast, and continue to send good juju your way. Because you deserve it.
.-= Jess´s last blog ..Remember to breathe =-.
I developed a “face” once too. I’m glad, however, that you still are open and honest with your feelings. My face led to me shutting down my feelings and internalizing.
On a much brighter note, you are a beautiful pregnant lady and I am obsessed with that necklace you are wearing in that picture. Where is it from?
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..12 or 13, who’s counting? =-.
Heather –
Good morning. I am glad we are cyber friends, I will always be here to listen.
Even thuogh you don’t know me I will stand by you no matter what. The Face is just a part of your healing process. One day you wont need it. I’ll be here reading even after it’s long gone. Remember that your healing doesn’t mean you are betraying Maddie at all. Your journey to happiness and peace doesn’t do her any diservice. My prayers are with you.
.-= Maria Delgado´s last blog ..My new hair! =-.
I love reading here.
Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..He’s With The Band =-.
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