My heart always breaks when I hear about the death of a child. In the last eight months, whenever I hear about another little one passing, I can’t help but flash back to when the doctor told us they’d done everything they could for Madeline. I can remember the sound of the blood rushing from my head, how much my throat hurt from screaming. It all comes back to me because another mother has joined my ranks.
Last week, a woman named Shellie lost her beautiful son Bryson in a tragic accident. She is active in the blogging and social media world. She’s a stay at home mom like me, but her husband is in the military, so she is often alone with her kids. I’ve talked in the past about how social media has revolutionized the world of the stay at home mom. When I worked outside the home, I was surrounded by coworkers. As a stay home mom, I didn’t have that constant adult interaction and feedback. There wasn’t anyone to bounce ideas off of or ask for advice. So I turned to social media. Thanks to networks like Facebook and Twitter, I was never alone. I had all my co-workers at my fingertips.
Some people have called into question Shellie’s involvement with twitter on the day her son passed away. She was tweeting before the accident, and then when the doctors were trying to save him, she tweeted asking for prayers. Later, a friend announced that he had not survived. These people wonder how she could have possibly thought to tweet for prayers during such a stressful time. I know exactly how. She wasn’t allowed in the emergency room where her son laid. She was alone, and she took ten seconds to send a text/tweet that reached thousands of people at once.
The day that Madeline died, I was also using twitter. I’d told all my friends and blog readers that I would be updating Maddie’s condition via twitter – there were simply too many people that wanted to know how she was doing and I couldn’t possibly update them all with phone calls. The morning and early afternoon of April 7th found me updating from next to her bed, in the cafeteria when I was forced to eat, and then from in her bed when the only place Maddie was comfortable was laying on me. When the doctors decided to intubate, which started the chain reaction that led to her code, I was alone with her. Mike was at work, my mom was back at my house walking my dog. I called Mike, I called my mom, and then I updated my friends via twitter – “they’re going to intubate, I’m freaking out.” And then I stood there for the next three hours and watched the doctors try to save my daughter. I was allowed to stay – most parents are not.
In the hours after she passed, my friends took over for me. One friend in particular helped by telling everyone that had been waiting since my last twitter update. She had my blog and twitter passwords, and she posted on my behalf. From there, everything took off – tens of thousands of dollars raised in Maddie’s name for the March of Dimes, financial support for her funeral, and the money to start Friends of Maddie. And the emotional support – I cannot do it justice. Mike and I sat next to each other on the couch, numb, and watched the tweets of love and sorrow pour across the internet. We thought no one would care about our daughter, and so many many people cared. It saved us.
On Friday I was asked to comment for a story that CNN & Headline News did on Shellie’s story. After I cleared it with Shellie, I spoke about how important social networking had been to me and my family after Maddie died.
if you can’t see the video above, click here.
I say all this to try to express to all those who don’t understand twitter and social media how it can help. It’s the new way people communicate what’s going on in their lives – both good and bad. With every advance in technology, there is resistance. When email was first introduced it was criticized as being impersonal, but it would seem ridiculous now to send vital information via snail-mail. Instead of attacking social media, people should try to understand how it is being incorporated into millions of people’s everyday lives.
Lastly, one of the things that I find most hurtful in the criticisms of Shellie is when people say things like “I would never do what she did” – tweet – implying that they would react “correctly” in this situation. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no right or wrong way to react to the worst news of your life. Unless you actually HAVE been in this situation, believe me when I say you have no idea what you would do. None. And those of us who have been in this situation would never ever judge each other.
It’s easy to hide behind computer screens and leave hurtful comments. But I hope that people will pause a moment and remember a little boy has died, and his family will suffer for the rest of their lives. It is just as easy to treat each other with humanity and compassion. Even if we don’t all agree about social media, we should agree to care for one another.
{ 200 comments… read them below or add one }
It annoys the hell out of me that people think that people behind twitter, blogs, and things alike, aren’t real. We are real. We’re real people with real feelings.
The people that are screaming “I wouldn’t do that” are probably not the same people we talk to on a daily basis with anyway. As a twitter, blogging, online community, we laugh along side you, discuss things with you, and if you need us to, we’ll be there for you crying and/or helping you, too.
I’m glad you (and others) have somewhere to turn in your deep, dark moments. I’m glad I’m going up in a time like this. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to go through some things without the support of the online community.
.-= InDueTime´s last blog ..ER =-.
Exactly! When both my kids were hospitalize this year, I blogged and tweeted about it while we were there. (And I got some slack for that)
The people who swear they would never do that don’t understand the online world that we live in with Twitter and blogging.
How do any of us know what we’d do in the wake of loosing a child? It’s insane and incredibly wrong for us to sit around telling this poor woman that she should have acted with more decorum while her child passed.
I do not know what I’d do if I’d be pulled away from my girl while she passed but I seriously doubt there would be anything appropriate in my behavior.
Thank you, Heather.
Gorgeous, perfect post. I am so sorry for your loss as well as Shellie’s. I do not know either of you, but like you said, there is an amazing camaraderie among mommy bloggers. I have been so shocked that some people have actually had the nerve to criticize Shellie for her tweets. It is so wrong, on so many levels.
I am amazed at your strength and courage to speak so eloquently on this subject that is beyond painful. God bless you and your family and congratulations on your pregnancy.
.-= Mama Mary´s last blog ..things haven’t changed much since my day =-.
Absolutely right Heather. NO ONE should judge how anyone grieves or reaches out for help. Shellie and her family are in my prayers during this time, just as you and Mike continue to be.
well said Heather. This is just such a tragic story and a terrible loss for Shellie. You will both be in my prayers this Christmas. I hope Shellie can find some peace from all the negativity that has been cast her way.
I found Shellie’s twitter page that day just before the fateful tweet, and began following her. I didn’t know her story prior to that day but my heart ached just the same when I heard the news. Twitter is an amazing invention linking people of the most unlikely backgrounds. It’s only new, as most social networking forms are, and where it’s heading is going to change the world.
.-= Amy´s last blog .. =-.
Amy – I couldn’t have said it better myself. Social networking brings a diverse group together, for better or worse. This woman sat in a hospital – alone – as her child was dying. She used it to beg for prayers and I, for one, do not fault her. God bless.
I’m glad that you spoke out in support of social media. Those who aren’t involved just don’t “get it”. And those who are attacking that mother….they are so wrong, and should be ashamed of themselves.
I am in awe of you, coming out to support this poor family. The outpouring of hate towards her has broken my heart because I totally understand her actions, reaching out to her friends for support.
I remember your tweets. I remember feeling complete helplessness but hoping that you knew that you had the love and the support of thousands.
I hope that Shelly reads this and knows that the vocal minority are idiots.
It’s narrow minded to judge how people want to let friends and family know what is going on. I can totally see how when you are alone and waiting, how at such a point you then turn to the only people there: the internet friendships… Are they real friendships? I think they are…
It’s so easy to judge on the spot when you are 3000 miles away from the reality of that persons life…
What is all the judging going on about??????
Good for you Heather to come up for Shellie. Others might be in her shoes sooner or later…, lets hope they too do not get judged by knitwits who think they know it all…
.-= catherine lucas´s last blog ..Christmas detailed… =-.
Thanks for writing this post.
I am in Australia, and the way that this story got reported here wasn’t in a good light. My husband was telling me about it the other day, and it is so much like Chinese whisperers, said that she was tweeting as her other child was pulling the 2 year old from the pool.
Obviously now reading this post, this isn’t the way it happened at all. It does make sense, that someone involved in the twitter/facebook/blogging communities would update their status while waiting at the hospital.
I am continuing to pray for this family, such a tragic accident.
.-= Diane´s last blog ..Its begining to look a lot like… =-.
That’s the way I first read the story, too. It was written very skewed and tried to have the reader believe that this woman actually saw her son in the pool and stopped to tweet before she pulled him out. I supposed that rational adults with even a decent set of critical thinking skills would have been able to figure out that the tweet came after the fact while the family was in the middle of that painful wait.
Clearly I figured wrong, because the world is all enraged thinking that this poor lady is at fault for what really seems like a terrible, terrible accident.
I guess that if this teaches us nothing else, it’s that the media can clearly make the public believe nearly anything to be true. Which is really quite scary…
My parents live in Melbourne Beach, Florida and my mother has relayed to me the horrible things that have been said down there (Melbourne is also right outside of Patrick. My mother is usually a pretty negative person and I expected her to share their ugliness but to my surprise her response has been anything but. My mom has been on the defensive for Shellie and her family stood up for them even when she’s been called crazy herself for doing so.
The point of this is I honestly think that for every negative person there are two that feel differently.
It’s just a shame THAT portion of the story isn’t shared.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Sunday – Blow By Blow =-.
Heather: It’s awesome that you’ve come out and said this, the internets can be so effing judgmental and people both hide behind their screens and forget there are flesh and bone humans on the other side, being deeply hurt by their thoughtless comments. It sucks that we need to be reminded, be it’s something that needs to be repeated over and over: be kind.
Don’t you just love those ‘i would never’ – walk a mile in my shoes then tell me what you would do. Hindsight is a perfect science. what people are missing is twitter gives me access to you, my brother, stephen fry, my best friend, lance armstrong and literally thousands of people who will pop up and say hello, let me help you. I don’t know my next door neighbour, but I know there is a family in LA who are dreading this next week, the pregnant wife is rubbing her hand over her belly and wondering what might have been. The husband is waiting and hoping for the best as he watches his second child grow, wishing he could carry on watching the first.
They both know that in Australia, someone who found them by accident on a blog after their daughter died, who shares her name, has lit a candle, said a prayer and keeps her fingers crossed for them all every night since. Every time I go to sleep I wish the Spohrs a better day today. People who don’t understand Twitter don’t understand that this is the closest to the human family you are going to get.
Tell the people of Iran who relied on us to feed them information on their election Twitter means bugger all. You do what you need to do to get through this, for overwhelmed, overworked, overwrought housewives who rely on 140 characters of sanity in a mad world, how dare you belittle what gets them through.
Thank you for sharing this.
Accidents happen every day – for a million reasons…. and yet, we call them accidents for a reason.
This poor woman does not deserve the smear campaign that has been seen across the internet. It’s just sick.
To so very publicly criticize someone who is going through probably the worst moment in their lives? It’s just despicable.
.-= ClassyFabSarah´s last blog ..The True Joy of Christmas, Kinda =-.
I simply cannot understand why ANYONE would feel they had ANY RIGHT AT ALL to criticize how a person handles a loss – never mind a major loss like a child. I really, simply, cannot understand it. But thank you for writing this. I’m sure it is so helpful for parents who have been criticized in this way to read.
xo from CT,
Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..weekend. update. =-.
Heather…
thank you so much…My co-workers were discussing how terrible a person this mom was and I couldn’t find the right words to say you have no idea what it’s like…so glad you gave them to me yet still so sorry that you understand from your own experience…
All my love and light to you….
Megan
No doubt, were I in Shellie’s shoes, I would have used any means possible to ask for a miracle to save my child.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..I love it when Mother Nature cooperates. =-.
This was one of the most baffling things I’ve ever seen happen on the Internet. I had to get up and leave the computer.
You are right on: we are humans, first and foremost, and we owe each other humanity.
I so “get it”, That was her way of crying out in a desparate moment in hopes of “hearing” someone say something that might calm the moment, if only slightly. My prayers go out to that family.
It’s hard to believe anyone would criticize someone who lost a child. There is no excuse.
That old saying…”unless you’ve walked a mile in my shoes…” comes to mind. I know that if social media had been available to me, I would have used it because it would have beat the hell out of thinking there was nobody to watch my back until *somebody* could get to me.
And now, I think of all the people I can connect with or offer support to in 5 seconds or less and it makes me grateful that I am as isolated as I was when raising little babies.
You’re right. It is necessary to embrace it because it not going away.
I just wanted to let shellie know that I was heartbroken to hear of the lose of her son. Instead of judging her because she updated her family, friends, and loved ones of her tragic lose, do something, write something, give her a shoulder for her tears to fall to get her through this difficult time, but don’t judge her reaction. I’m not sure what I would do in a situation if I lost my child. I don’t ever want to find out. I do know that I’m not going to judge for a twitter post. You do what you have to do. Heather you are a great support person (for everyone).
Many hugs with love to Shillie and her family.
Oops. I think of all the people I can connect with or offer support to in 5 seconds or less and it makes me grateful that I am *NOT* as isolated as I was when raising little babies.
You’re right. It is necessary to embrace it because it not going away.
What better way to use twitter than to update people with actual, important information? People that don’t understand can be so hurtful. The world would be a better place if we would just try to live by the simple rule of loving one another.
I think I may need to print off several of your blog posts and keep them in my purse so I can whip them out at those times when people are spouting off and I’m just not eloquent enough to respond as you are.
xoxo
Andrea
p.s. Happy 32 weeks
Great post. I can’t handle when people say, “I’d never do that.” Especially when it’s from one mom to another. When in a dire situation regarding our kids, most moms may not do what others consider to be “rational” but we do what we have to do. Moms are supposed to support each other – not judge and tear each other down.
.-= Carrie´s last blog ..My first Wordless Wednesday =-.
Beautifully put. I could not believe the hate that Shellie was having to deal with at this, the most difficult time in her life. I know she must be full of gratitude for your support.
I think of my son in the NICU after he was born. I wanted to keep everyone updated, but couldn’t force myself to say the words out loud. Social media was the only way to say it. It was our only connection to those who loved us as we waited for the doctors to tell us it would be OK.
We lucked out, and our son is healthy and home. But without connecting to the rest of the world during that time, we would have felt so alone in addition to the helplessness we felt in the NICU.
Thank you for speaking out for the rest of us. I am, and always have been, impressed by the strength you show. Thank you for being an inspiration.
Please pass along my condolences to Shellie’s family on an unbearable loss.
.-= Jenny´s last blog ..Martha Stewart Can Kiss My Grits =-.
It is amazing to me that anyone can be critical of someone asking for prayers for her baby…in any way shape or form, asking for thoughts and prayers, is just what it is. So glad you were able to help this family, and come to their defense.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..My Girlies… =-.
I am adding my prayers to this family. No one should judge this mother! It drives me crazy when these hypocrites try to put others down just to try to build themselves up.
I’ve actually stopped reading stories about this after the few websites I had read had such hateful and negative comments that I wanted to reach through my laptop and shake those who make them.
A lot has been made of the time line, but just how reliable can that be? I know there have been times where I have had a tweet waiting a few minutes to be sent and I have had some not show up for minutes.
Also, as any parent knows, one cannot be fully vigilant every second of every day, even when one isn’t pre-occupied, (whether with Tweeting or making dinner). Kids seem to delight in taking any small opportunity to “escape” the vigilance of their parents to find out about the world around them on their own and sometimes everything is OK, sometimes a Band-aid is needed and sometimes the results are tragic.
Maybe those social media users who are making negative comments aren’t such the savvy users as they think. As you, and others, have rightly pointed out, those of us in positions where we are not immediately surrounded with our close friends and family use Twitter etc. as our surrogates and value the support and love of our Followers as much as anyone in r/l.
.-= Dudge OH´s last blog ..DudgeOH: Been up a while now and contemplating a big breakfast in order to get the energy I need for a good day’s worth of cleaning around here! =-.
when you connect with other via blog, twitter.. what have you.. its exactly that.. you connect with others. its a new form of virtual friendship and reaching out. look at the number of people affected by your story and that of others.. shame on them for judging someone during their personal hell. we all survive in our own ways.
.-= Momma Uncensored´s last blog ..sugar. =-.
well said, Heather. how nice of you to share your story and feelings in support of another mom who is going through the unthinkable and who only deserves support and love.
This sums up perfectly what I was thinking. Prayers said for her family.
Thank you for addressing this. What Shellie was put through from a small minority made me so angry, I couldn’t even follow the story so closely. It really made me feel violent.
I was not active in social media when my son died 6+ years ago. I didn’t really get into the community until my second daughter was born, three years ago now. I found motherhood to be extremely isolating, and social media saved me from losing my mind.
Additionally, social media made it possibly for me to participate in things like the March for Maddie and other philantropic activities that I may never have stumbled onto on my own. I’ve made great friends — many of whom I’ve gone on to meet.
There is so much more good that can come out of this community. and if there are people out there who think the worst of those of us who are active in it, they are truly missing out on the care and love and support many of us have found.
ciao,
rpm
.-= red pen mama´s last blog ..Why It’s Christmas, Part II =-.
It broke my heart to see all this negative stuff going around about Shellie. I don’t know her, and only first heard of her upon seeing a friend’s retweet of her call for prayers. Of course I prayed hard for her and sent her my support because she is a fellow mom, a mom in need, a mom suffering the most imaginable lost. It just breaks my heart that people are not supporting her, holding her up, praying for her family and are instead treating her like she did something wrong.
Good for you for standing up for and taking the time to go on the news to spread the word of how helpful twitter is to us moms and how what Shellie did was what any of us would have done.
Love and hugs sweet lady.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..My Favorite Christmas Cookies =-.
Many people start a Caring Bridge site, so as to keep their friends and family updated during a crisis. How is that more acceptable? It’s just a different form of getting the word out publicly.
Last January, my son’s 7 year old classmate developed seizures and slipped into a coma. His parents and grandmother began a Caring Bridge site. They shared everything on that site. As parents, we cheered for them, prayed with them and cried with them over the next 3 months. When Alex passed away on April 5th, we were all completely heartbroken. The comments, prayers and support given through that site meant so much to them.`
Why was Shellie judged for doing the same thing in a different way? My heart goes out to her.
.-= Lauren´s last blog ..Proof That My Parents Enjoy Torturing Me =-.
an afterthought after i googled this story.. it seems like.. for some.. this is the realm of the new housewife bully. http://girlarsonist.blogspot.com/
sitting on the high horse, shouting insults and judgements, pointing out imprefection.. painting themselves in a better and more perfect light.
my stomach is in knots and the anger is welling inside. cruelty in the time of tragedy.. i don’t care if this shellie twittered or was on the can before she realized her child was missing.. she is a mother and she has lost her boy.
these uber cougars and virtual high school bullies need to retract their claws and blog about their latest fashion or cupcake flavor.
.-= Momma Uncensored´s last blog ..sugar. =-.
I lost a dear friend to cancer 16 years ago when there was no twitter or facebook. Even at that time I was amazed at how her family was judged during her illness and death with sentences that started with “I would never…” or “My husband would never…”. I can’t imagine being judged in any way while going through the worst thing that could happen to you. I think people hope that by trying to make themselves seem better or smarter than ohters, a sensless tragedy won’t happen to them….how unkind and thoughtless.
I am so proud to be a part of this community. Glad to have you as a friend.
.-= DesignHER Momma´s last blog ..You’re a Rock Star Baby =-.
Shelllie Ross and her family ARE in my prayers. I have been following this story, as well, and agree tweeting about son’s drowning was her way of reaching out for support from the community.
Tweeting ABOUT son’s death is one thing. Tweeting DURING his drowning about chickens and fog is another, and I believe that is what the outrage is about.
I cannot imagine what she is going through, though, and can only pray for her peace. She does not deserve the horrible feedback among the social media. Her punishment is already a life sentence … a life without her “million dollar baby”.
I admire you for standing up for her, Heather. That’s the support Shellie deserves.
But by the grace of God go I. I would have reacted exactly the same way that you and Shellie did. Prayers for your family and hers today…
Heather, I could not have said it better. Thank you for standing up and saying something.
.-= JennK´s last blog ..If you give a kid a camera… =-.
Well said. I think people view twitter as way to leave witty, funny comments or commentary on your life. For some reason they are not viewing it as a means for communication, which is what it is. I do not fault this Mom at all. Infact I think it’s great that she was tweeting. I firmly believe that it is another way to express grief and begin that long, painful process. Any media outlet or individuals that are condemning this Mom need to re-examine their own lives. Why is it their position to pass judgement?
AMEN! What I find so frustrating is that these same people who slam social networking seem to have no problem using these same avenues to judge others. While some use it to keep in contact, others find it easy to hide behind and seem to think it is ok to post anything they want. Didn’t their mother teach them “if you have nothing nice to say don’t say anything at all.” This should apply to both verbal and written communication. Another prime example is the comments people are making about the 19th Duggar child being born premature. As a mom of 28 week twins, it really bothers me that they are judging her because this is their 19th child and she should stop having kids. Unfortunately these people do not understand that this baby was not born premature because she was child 19. These people have no idea the emotional rollercoaster the Duggar family is going to be on for the next few years. It is bad enough carrying around the mommy guilt because of your body gave out but then to be openly and hurtfully judged by people who don’t even know you…I can’t even imagine.
If we learn anything from all of these horrible experiences, it should be compassion for others because we truly do not know what they are going thru.
Heather…you and Mike are amazing people. Wishing you a blessed holiday season.
God, I hate judgemental people. Beautifully said, Heather.
.-= jen´s last blog ..i wanna rock! =-.
How horrible for this women to be smeared like this!!!! When I lost my little boy Anthony when I was 5 months pregnant, Twitter was not around, Facebook was not around, I emailed people to let them know what was happening when it was happening, I blogged about my circumstances and how it made me feel and I too was critized for this, I was told how impersonal this was, I was told shouldn’t I be giving what I had to my living daugher, wasn’t I taking away attention that she needed, I too was a stay at home mum, my family was and still is 3 hours away, my mother and father were both sick in bed the week that it happened, my husband (ex now..) plowed snow for a living and was the only breadwinner, couldn’t be right with me, he was there for the delivery of Anthony and stayed with me while we held him and took pictures but he had to go to work in order for our “living” child to eat and have a roof over her head, so I leaned on the “cyber” community for support and to get my feelings out, for which as I said I was critized!
We should not judge people for this, as well as the ones that know what really happened are the ones that were there in that instance in time, therefore no one should have the right to judge someone because you weren’t there!
My heart and prayers goes out to Shellie and her family!!!
I’m so glad you addressed this. I thought about you when I was reading stories about Shellie. I can’t tell you how angry I was when people said they would never do that, or blamed her for her own son’s death. It was nauseating. So proud of you for making the video, and I’m thrilled that Headline News played it. I hope it shuts up a lot of people who are pointing fingers.
Much love to you today, as always.
(((hugs)))
My heart just breaks for Shellie. Stories like this make me want to take a giant step back… I tend to jump to conclusions (I had not heard this story before reading it here – so, I’m not referring to this case) and gosh, I don’t want to be that person.
I’m going to have to agree that this was beautifully said. My heart breaks for Shellie, my prayers go out to her, to her family and her son.
I cried for Maddie. When I come to your blog, I often cry for Maddie and for what should have been. Your Sweet little Maddie touched so many, and I’m so thankful you shared her with us.
-xo
I have a SATM friend who told me about Shellie and I sat there with my jaw hanging open as she explained what some people were saying. It’s ridiculous and naive for anyone to voice judgment on someone in such a horrible situation.
My heart goes out to Shellie, and as always, to you and Mike.. (I’ve been reading your blog for a while, but rarely comment)
xo
Great post Heather – I love it – I didn’t see anything wrong with her comments or her askign for prayers – I actually loved it all!
.-= MBKimmy´s last blog ..SnowBE’s =-.
I remember that post from you about the doctors intubating Maddie. The internet and our community, our sisterhood, is a wonderful, caring place full of REAL friends. Thank God this community is here so that people don’t have to go through horrible things like this alone. Sending love and prayers to you and to Shellie.
.-= Jen L.´s last blog ..Comfort Food Saturday: Tea Cakes =-.
AMEN,AMEN,AMEN
Thank you Heather! All those hateful comments were just hurting my heart for Shellie and her family. I am glad you’ve taken time to talk to her and to share with us.
(((HUGS))) from Florida
Thank you SO much for doing this. I too was appalled at the actions of some towards Shellie. I mean,where is their compassion? I just don’t understand what good it was doing to vilify Shellie. She just lost her 2 yr old baby!! I cannot imagine the pain she is feeling. Its hard to imagine that grown women(and men) were acting this way.
My hearts breaks for Shellie and for all who have lost a child I don’t know that feeling but I do know what it is like to see your baby intubated and to have to sign papers for a proceedure when the only line on the paper you can see is “and she could die”. I do however know the feeling of being all alone and having no one to turn to no one to say your doing a good job we’re praying how I wish there was twitter then. Having a sick child and not being able to fix her is the God awfullest lonley feeling. I’m glad Shellie had/has her blogger friends to hold her up. I will always remember and think about her little Bryson and your little Maddie sweet shining stars that I would never have know without the magic of the internet.
Thank you.
.-= AmberMc´s last blog ..LAS VEGAS! =-.
Thank you, Heather.
.-= Burgh Baby´s last blog ..The Christmas Crazy Tour Heads to Hartwood =-.
Any one with a toddler and know how quickly accidents can happen, however vigilant you are. Who could ever criticize a terrified mother for asking for prayers for her child? It is those that have commented negitavly who should examine there conciences and relationship with technology. I am so very sorry for their loss.
Heather, thank you for a wonderful post. I am amazed at how judgmental people are regarding loss and grief. As a longtime hospice volunteer and someone who works in cancer care, I have seen many different ways people cope with impending and actual loss. It is not wrong to ask for support, whether it is on Twitter, a blog, via the phone, or in person. Thank you for your eloquent posts and advocacy so that others can have some insight into the grieving process. Hugs to you, Mike, and your family.
heather you are the strongest woman ever. thanks for supporting everyone who’s unfortunate shoes you have walked in before.
Thank you Heather for writing this and the video too. I wish it didn’t have to be you who has the experience to speak for Shellie and others going through this, but I would bet they are glad they have someone like you in their corner.
I just wish that people would stop and think a little longer before they would post comments like they did because as you stated, if you haven’t been in the situation, how do you know what you would do?
I hope you will pass onto Shellie (I understand why she locked her site and Twitter!) that there are many, many people out here who support her and area offering her prayers.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Something Shiny and Cool =-.
I have been thinking of Shellie since another friend told me of Bryson’s death. I hope that she is finding some comfort in knowing that there are people that do support her and that think she did absolutely nothing wrong asking for those prayers. She and her family will continue to be in my prayers.
.-= Lindsay´s last blog ..Santa! =-.
Beautifully written, beautifully spoken!
I’m so glad that you chose to speak on this subject. I’ve been thinking about you through this, and how much the online support helped you in your time of pain. I see now in a way I hadn’t before that Twitter can either be wonderful, or in the hands of someone seeking attention, terrible. It was kind of you to speak about such a painful time to help Shellie.
.-= Lindsey´s last blog ..My thoughts were so loud I couldn’t hear my mouth =-.
When I lost my baby back in August, I used social networking to allow my friends to know. I remember being rushed to the hospital, bleeding, and knowing that my baby was gone. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I knew she had passed away. And all I could think to do was to reach out to those I loved and who loved me and to ask for prayers. I sent out a status update on Facebook saying “Please pray for me right now”. Immediately, my friends and family started leaving messages that they were praying, and asking if me and the baby were all right. Within a couple of hours, I knew that the baby had died and I felt the deepest sorrow I have ever felt. Somehow, I was able to update my Facebook and let everyone know that my baby had gone to Heaven and was now an angel. This was to let everyone know, so that they could pray for us, and also because I couldn’t possibly talk at that moment. My phone was ringing, but I couldn’t bring myself to talk about my situation. Somehow, it was so much easier to Facebook about it.
I remember updating my Facebook in the middle of the night in the hospital when I was admitted after I miscarried the baby at home and then hemorrhaged – I remember feeling so weak and tired and heartbroken that I had to reach out to someone – but it was like 3 in the morning and I was all by myself – my husband was at home catching some z’s and all I could hear was my heart monitor beeping. I remember reaching out on Facebook, telling everyone how heavy my heart was, and that I felt so all alone. They all responded with such kind words and thoughts – I really don’t think I would have made it through without those wonderful people.
So to anyone who says that you shouldn’t Tweet or Facebook in times of crisis or sadness? They need to shut the hell up. Seriously. No one knows how you will react unless you are in that situation, and it helped me and my family to heal to have that huge support group behind us. I felt so empty and lost after my baby died — knowing that so many people were simultaneously praying for me is what got me through.
I pray for Shellie and her family – what a terrible loss… God bless her.
That was awesome! Way to put it out there for people to think about…you looked great on HLN and spoke with conviction..Love it! Miss you..
xoxo
As moms we have all looked away for a second only to turn around and lunge for a falling child or sprint for a running child, or scream for one who has gotten too far away. We are human and clearly when tragedy strikes we will all handle it differently. When our son died and I was sitting in the hospital room and I am sure others thought I was nutty. I kept saying to my husband “I can’t go back to work” Why? All I could think was please don’t make me face the world, but that was not what I kept saying. I also kept telling the nurses I needed diapers. Why? I knew he did not need them, but I wanted to dress him and I kept thinking they would not see the need because he was dead. I am sure anyone overhearing me could have said “her child just died and all she can talk about is work and diapers.” You do not know what you will say or do. Do we really think Military Mom could have had any ill intentions with her tweets? Of course not. She was seeking HELP. My heart aches for her and her family. You know she has a closet full of gifts she could not wait to give him and now she faces the worst nightmare she could have ever imagined. I will be praying for her and all of the suffering families during this holiday season.
People need to quit judging others and that is all there is to it. None of us knows how we would respond in any given situation until we are there. She seemed to need to know that people were praying for her son. Using the “old fashioned” method she could have called the person in charge of her church prayer chain, but in the high-tech world we live in asking for prayer was as simple as sending out a tweet and gave her way more people praying in mere seconds. My prayers are with Shellie, whom I don’t know at all, at this terrible time in her life.
Well said! Thank you for shedding light on something that people don’t always understand. I think you put it in a perspective that some people haven’t thought of. The advances of technology affect every aspect of life.
we live in a society where we are so immediately disconnected from mulitple members of our family; where everyone is scattered to the wind. social media helps bring our doorsteps a little closer to one another. and along the way, it opens up new paths to new relationships. sometimes much needed relationships.
at no other time, when a parent is desperate to save his/her child, is social media more appropriate for our current society. parents have this instinctive urge, a primal drive to rally the group to save their young. we are desperate, grabbing at the lapels of strangers, shaking them to their knees, to pray. to beg God. for the sake of the innocent. for the sake of our own.
what i or anyone else on this side looking in would have done is not nearly as relevant as what is happening for Shellie at this moment. and at this moment i find my virtual lapel has been grabbed and i am called upon to bend a knee and offer a prayer. for her.
oh, critics be damned….
What’s really sad to me is that the ridiculous argument that twittering had something to do with the death of this child (or was in any way a wrong way to deal with it) is keeping people from talking about the true and very preventable danger here: backyard pools. If just one person could use this tragedy as a wake up call to fence and alarm their pool, it would be such a blessing. I know Military Mom could not have believed this could happen to her family. If she had to do it all over again there is no doubt that she would not hesitate to reach out via social media during a tragedy, but that she would never have moved into a home without first fencing and alarming the pool.
Those with backyard pools: FENCE AND ALARM YOUR POOL!
I was absolutely disgusted by all the insults and accusations being directed toward Shellie. How dare these people take the death of a child, the worst tragedy I can imagine, and make it worse. I cannot imagine being so callous toward another human being.
To those people: You have questions or doubts regarding the nature of the accident? Keep it to yourself. Your questions and opinions don’t matter. It’s not about you. If you can’t offer support, then just shut the hell up.
Great post, Heather. I am glad that more people are sticking up for this poor family who meant nothing by it except reaching out for help.
I hate that human nature is so quick to judge rather than feel. A beautiful child is gone and the assholes of the world can’t stop for one second to recognize that.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..This definitely sucks. =-.
This piece was very well written and you said everything that needed to be said to those people who are so judgemental of others. It goes back to the saying “Never judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.” I wish everyone would practice this. What is wrong with people today that they think they have the right to judge someone, especially someone who is experiencing probably the most horrible pain they will ever experience?
Lisa
Incredibly well said, Heather. No matter what, there should be compassion. And to judge someone in their time of loss – is just unthinkable to me. Love you, lovely lady! Thank you for speaking out.
I think that this is a beautiful post and it completely made me rethink this incident. I live in England and this story has been reported very negatively here.
Could anyone clarify something for me? The reports here are very negative because they say that this poor, poor woman sent the tweet before the police were called and that, no matter what she chose to do afterwards, this should not be encouraged and is not right. I do not know what to think about this. Can anyone help?
It’s terribly sad that some people are so concerned with the ways that other people run their lives. I see no problem tweeting for prayers/support or keeping people updated on a situation, just like I see people using email and Facebook to do the same thing. No one would say “Why did she email her friends and family for prayers?” Why does tweeting making it different?
Reaching out for help is reaching out for help, electronically or not. There’s no problem with it.
xoxo
.-= Alison´s last blog ..It’s the Most Twinful Time of the Year =-.
Heather hit the nail on the head by saying there is no wrong way to grieve. As a NICU nurse and a high risk obsterical nurse, I have seen grief manifest in a million different ways. From the mother who didn’t want to stay and hold her dying baby to the mother who could not let go of her lifeless infant for burial. It is a horrible thing when people who have not experienced such a loss can stand on the outside and look in and say that someone is grieving the “wrong way”. What is truely sickeniing to me is not tweeting or blogging to get prayers and support, but to have such ignorant people passing judgement on something so personal and tragic. Everyone experiences loss differently and everyone grieves differently. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” Matt 5:4.
So glad you wrote this. Compassion and support are what she needs. I could never be critical because I can never, and hope never to, understand this situation.
“Do to others what you would have them do to you.” Cliche, but when does this ever not work?
.-= amy2boys´s last blog ..Creamy Chicken Potato Soup =-.
Ditto to all of the above! I said the exact same thing when I saw this story online- that the people who were attacking her should be so ashamed! As if she is not going through enough right now!!! How dare people imply that she ‘should’ have done something differently. If, God forbid, a mommy has to live through the loss of a child, whatever she needs to do to survive it is what is ‘appropriate’.
I personally do not have a twitter account. I probably will give in eventually, but for now I am already bad about replying to email or facebook messages, so I figure I won’t keep up with tweets either. However, even though I am not a tweeter, I do know that it is simply another way for people to relay information, to get a hold of their loves ones, and to keep in touch.
Would we honestly even be having this conversation if she had sent out a text to her friends and family asking for prayers or sharing the awful news of her son’s passing? Isn’t that the same thing? Or, in the old days, when people would start those telephone call “trees” to share the news of a birth or death- isn’t that essentially what this woman did?
Personally I get mass emails and texts all the time about information like this! It is a way for people to get vital information, and to jump into action! Recently, when a friend of mine gave birth much earlier than expected, one text is all it took for all of us to jump into action. By the time her emergency c-section was complete, we had a plan in place for who would take care of her older children while she and her husband stayed with their precious baby in the NICU. Via texts with her husband, we knew what supplies still need to be purchased, how to get in contact with the grandprents, what kind of food the kiddos would want to eat for dinner, etc. etc. To say that because all of this was done using a technology that was not aroung ten years ago makes it somehow questionable, or that they were somehow bad parents for doing so, is absurd. The same can be said for those that are attacking Shellie. Anyone that is judging her should back the F off. She did nothing wrong, and only deserves our support and prayers.
Heather, you continue to amaze me in your unselfishness and the way you stand up for what is right. Your babies are lucky little girls to have a mommy as strong as you! You are making such a difference in the world!!! I am in awe.
((Hugs))
Perfectly said, I cried for Shellie and I still cry for your family. I really can’t understand why anyone would judge the poor mother or assume they have the full picture. Your support I am sure means the world and now I am sure your blog will reach thousands and more support will surround her.
I don’t post often, but I couldn’t help it.
It breaks my heart that people would even consider slandering a mother after she has lost her child. A rule that people should follow is don’t type anything that you couldn’t say to their face…because you ARE saying it to their face…you just don’t see the reaction. I think this whole thing is horrible. Who in the world cares if she tweeted? Seriously. I don’t. What I care about is the fact that a mother lost her child. A mother lost what is most precious to her. My prayer is that she doesn’t now have to carry the guilt that people are trying to make her feel.
Seriously, I hate how we treat each other. You would think that of all groups, Mothers would be the ones to bond together. Instead, its just a game of competition and judgement.
I remember a long time ago when a dear friend lost her young husband, and she had to make dozens of phone calls to tell everyone. It was so awful for her to have the same conversation over and over again. Of course everyone was in shock, and could not believe it, and they all had so many questions. When she would call a new person, and share the awful news, the first reaction would be something along the lines of “What???!!!” and then “How??!!? What happened?!!?” and she would have to relive all the gory details again as she told the story. As you can imagine, this made her grief and shock even worse, if that was possible. If she would have been able to rely the information to everyone back then via something like twitter, it could have been far less traumatic for her.
I don’t know Shellie, but based on what I have heard, it seems as if she sent tweets from her phone while at the hospital. It is not like she saw her precious baby in the pool and left him there to run back in the house and go on the computer, for heaven’s sakes! I would guess that while she was waiting at the hospital, tweeting from her cell phone served more than one purpose- it distracted her, and maybe kept her from absolutely losing it when she did not know what would happen, it let all of her friends and family know what was going on (without having to re-tell it over and over) and maybe even made her feel a tiny bit less helpless. Maybe by asking for prayers, she felt she was doing something, anything, for her baby while the doctors were working on him and she was kept out of the room. Maybe by tweeting, it kept her from having a complete breakdown at a time when she needed to be strong for her son.
I don’t think this poor woman did anything wrong and even if people do, they need to keep it to themselves. None of us knows what we do if we were in the same situation, but even if it would have been different, does that make one reaction right and one wrong? No. And will any attacking of Shellie or “Well, I would never…” statements bring back this precious baby boy? No. It is sad that some negative people are causing even more sorrow to this heartbroken family. My prayers are with them all.
Heather, reading this and seeing what you’ve done all weekend, make me proud as hell to know you.
I agree, I don’t think people should judge a terrible situation like that without experiencing it first-hand!
Thank you for that. Social media is a lifeline for many mothers and I really don’t know how I would survive without it.
That was well said and beautifully written. Gave me chills. Thank you.
Well done heather. I hope that mommy receives the same outpouring of love and that the unkind people stay away. Is there somewhere that people can go to express their support for her? I saw that she took her page down.
PS-it’s cute how long they kept the huge picture of Maddie up. Even CNN can’t resist how gorgeous she is!
This story broke my heart and the comments that people leave on these news stories are upsetting. I cannot believe the criticisms and I don’t understand all of the hype. I feel so bad that this woman’s privacy has been violated. I feel even worse that she probably has Christmas gifts for her son that he won’t get.
Yesterday my coworker’s son underwent an emergency appendectomy. She notified me via facebook and we later chatted via facebook. It is the way we comfort each other and there is nothing wrong with it. I am 62 years old and just can’t understand where these people who have a problem with it are coming from. Both of you mother’s have had heartbreak and whatever you can do to ease it is OK.
Bravo!!
Well said. Thank you.
well said Heather. I didn’t get what the big deal was anyway. People can be so flipping hateful.
I’ll go a step further. If you truly believe in the power of prayer then you want to most prayers going up as soon as possible. Why on earth wouldn’t you tweet asking for prayer? How is it any different than picking up the phone and calling your church and asking to be added to the prayer list? Twitter in far more effective at reaching the most people in the fastest way possible. And if it were my kid, I’d totally have twittered a beg for prayer. Anyone who judges should stop and seriously think about what they would do.
You articulate the entire issue incredibly well, Heather, and thank you on behalf of all of us who have leaned on social media when in crisis. This is all just further proof to me that it is easy to judge those who live where you’ve never walked. I am heartbroken for Shellie, repeatedly as this ridiculous storm has arisen while she attempts to grieve. Thank you again, for being a compassionate voice of reason in this time of chaos.
.-= Sara Joy´s last blog ..Homeward Bound =-.
I have been reading your blog ever since Maddie’s passing. My husband and I often tear up when watching videos you post here. I’ve never commmented, but today I feel compelled.
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for this post. I’ve read this story on the headlines of yahoo, all over facebook where people are thrashing her and my heart broke for her. One of my facebook friends actually said that she hopes the lady loses custody of her other child b/c of this. wow. It really hurt me, b/c just recently we found out that my 3 yr old has a seizure disorder. On Thanksgiving day, he had a pretty bad seizure while we were at a restaurant having TG dinner. This year, we opted to stay home for the holiday so we had ZERO family around. They are, however, all of FB and twitter and get updates immediately sent to their phone. On the drive to the hospital, I held my limp, unresponsive son in the backseat and updated my FB status “Headed to the hospital with Jayden, he just had a seizure. Please pray.” This updated my most of my family and since they were all together in New Orleans having TG dinner, my cousins were able to update the rest of the family and they gathered in prayer. All from me taking maybe 30 seconds to update my fb. But after this incident, it made me wonder what some of my “friends” thought of me as I updated my status after my son had a seizure. It made me feel guilty. I even updated while we were in the hospital b/c my cell signal was choppy in the hospital so any calls would drop. I’ve even lost sleep lately wondering if I was wrong to update my status. But then I think back to when some of my friends had things going on and I saw updates from them. It almost seems like everyone is ready to attack before they are ready to offer prayers and comfort. Your blog has even shown evidence of that. I pray for comfort to the mom who just lost her son and now has to deal with these nasty accusations. Thanks you, again, for this post.
Nia, you are so right. While perhaps FB and twitter were developed just to make money for the creators, and probably with the thought that people would use it just for fun, now that almost everyone uses these communication tools, it has turned into so much more.
Now that everyone from your sister to your college best friend and your 90-year-old grandma can be reached at the same time in a matter of seconds, it makes sense that in one’s time of need, they would reach out in that way! Because it is fast and easy, it is more reliable than cell signals sometimes, it can reach everyone at once, and because sometimes talking when you are scared and worried is too much, but typing a few quick words can be done, it just makes sense to use these modes of communication rather than hundreds of phone calls sometimes!
I hope that none of your friends on FB judged you for what you posted, and if they did, get them off of your friends list immediately. You should be able to post anything you want, especially about your precious son!!! Anyone who loves you and cares about you would want to know what is going on with your family, and anything you need, including prayers. How is it that to the people that are criticizing Shellie, it is acceptable to post/tweet about what you had for dinner, but when it is something important, you are supposed to keep it to yourself? That seems a little ridiculous to me!! Are the people that are attaching this poor woman saying that only positive things may be tweeted? Next are there going to be rules about how often someone can tweet and what the content can and should be? It all seems so unfair to me, and everyone needs to take a breath before attacking someone we know NOTHING about. Not a single person that went crazy over this story knows this woman or what kind of mother she was and is. Furthermore, she just lost her baby!!! Nothing could be worse, so you would think that we could all show Shellie a little compassion at this time. It is a heartbreaking enough time for her family, the last thing that she needs is all of this judgement and negativity!
I hope you are able to find a treatment for your precious boy Jayden. He is lucky to have a mommy that loves him so much that she reaches out to her family and friends when she needs support and prayers. Don’t you feel bad for one second for doing so! Prayers and positive thoughts are being sent your way for your son’s full recovery, from one stranger mommy to another.
((Hugs))
I always find it shocking that people are so quick to judge one another in how we handle crises and grief. I agree that people need to give social media, especially Twitter, the same open-mindness as email or any other “new” communication tool that came before it. It is absolutely changing how we interact with one another, sometimes negatively but I think overall in a very positive way. I loved how you pointed out that sometimes social media gives you something you can’t always get with “real-life” friends- instant contact when you need it the most. How can there be anything wrong with being more connected to one another in this day & age? I pray for that Mom & her family, and I continue to pray for you & Binky!
I wouldnt twitter or blog if I went through something like this…I didn’t with my miscarriage at least. BUT that’s because I have all of 7 followers (none of whom even read the twitter posts I think), and most of which would be in the room with me or somewhere in the building. I am on an infertility forum and I would turn to them in a heartbeat.
If I knew the support would come, I would easily turn to it. I know it doesn’t make sense to say it, but there’s intimate AND anonymous about the internet. It’s like how sometimes you can’t be hugged by the ones you love when you’re hurt and dealing, but you can talk to the stranger on the bus about the issue with clarity and holding it together. You know these people care for you, but you can step away when you’ve had your fill and go back later for more. Harder to to get support and space from close friends and family. At least that’s how it’s been for me.
That might not have made sense, but god…the things people feel they can judge. Like life isn’t hard enough, the grieving process is somehow open for critique. I only hope they never have to deal with it themselves.
Shame on those casting judgement in a situation where LOVE is the sentiment that should be expressed.
July 23, 2009 my life changed forever. My mother suffered a sudden caridac arrest in MY house in front of MY eyes. I turned to FB to update and ask for prayers and support. We lived a month of hell as it was determinded that even with all of the life-saving medical intervention provided by me and the medical team… her brain function wasn’t sound. On August 27th she left this world.
I turned to my Facebook world to update far away family and friends, as well as my mommy board/blogger friends. I also asked for as many prayers and positive thoughts as possible. My family didn’t understand how important my social networking “family” has become and found this to be a violation of my mother’s privacy.
In the days/weeks/months following my mother’s death my “in real life” friends have all fallen away to the wayside, afraid to say the wrong thing, hell just afraid of me in general. My Mommy friends/blogging buddies have become even more important to me than they were before. Until you are part of social networking, or until you experience a situation such as so many have lived through, you just don’t understand.
(((hugs))), prayers and lots of LOVE to that family.
bravo! this topic has been driving me crazy. it is ridiculous. while i, and im sure many other somewhat rational/plugged-in people, agree with every word you say, it still saddens me that a) people continue to attack and judge a grieving parent, and b) why same people cant keep their clearly confused opinion to themselves. idiots are everywhere. i digress.
So, lets be honest, we all see the hate out there, that desire in some that lives for any attention, be it negative & irrational. i somehow think this is just progress, and like with any great Change there comes controvery. in the past there were also idiots that condemned progress, IE: the world IS flat!; women, work?; slaves are AWESOME. etc.
thanks for –
thanks heather. i was wondering if YOU, specifically, would tackle this subject. this is an important debate, like you said: this is how we communicate now.
You are such a powerhouse! In all truth though, Im so glad to know that your internet posse makes even a second of a difference in your day. You have no idea what you do for them/us/me with your honesty and on-line presence as well!
hearts and hugs to all
Heather, once again, you’ve shown us what true grace is all about. Thank you for saying what needed to be said.
.-= avasmommy´s last blog ..Happy Christmahanukwanzaka =-.
I saw the same sort of reaction when a three year old boy on our street drowned this summer. Anonymous commentors left horrible nasty statements on the local news blog. My reaction was shock…and anger at the cruelty of the comments, because I have a three year old and I do leave him alone, i go to the bathroom, I take showers, I let him play quietly I do not sit on his head all day. I am very very protective of my son, but he has still snuck outside, he has still wandered around the house in the night and we have found him sleeping with his dog. The idea that a parent is omniscient, that they are awake 24 hours a day seven days a week is ridiculous. The thought that a mother was distracted for the amount of time it takes a child to drown is very very realistic.
My sons are alive and healthy, they are a gift that I cherish, have I ever made mistakes? Yes. Have I ever left them with a babysitter so that I could go somewhere? Yes. Am I human? Yes. Do I love my children with all my heart? a hear that shatters at the though of what this woman is going through? Yes.
Can I imagine the pain of being criticized for how I grieved for my child? No.
I hope for their own sake that those nasty commentors, never have to experience the grief of losing a child because they looked away for five minutes. Or let go of their hand in the store, or they thought their child was with the other parent and it turns out they weren’t.
I don’t have a fitting end to this diatribe other than my heart goes out to Shellie, in her grief, may I never experience it..
To criticize a woman for reaching out for support when she is going through such a horrible tragedy is a tragedy.
This woman needs love and support right now. Instead of criticizing her they should be looking at themselves; how can you not have sympathy for a mother who just lost her child?
I find it appalling that people could say such hurtful things to someone going through probably the worst time in her life.
It is just cruel and makes me sad that some people can’t find it in their hearts to be supportive in a situation like this!
I hope that disgusting EVIL WHORE Madison McGraw chokes on her two minutes of fame. How utterly evil and despicable that woman is …and any others that feel they have the right to judge Shellie Ross and her situation.
Judge not lest ye be judged people. I judge you a bunch of assholes…and am willing to be thought of as one myself for condemning you.
I agree with you completely on this. I am not a tweeter myself, and really, have no interest in it at this point, but I don’t think she did anything wrong by sending a tweet to her internet followers, asking for prayers.
I am so sorry for her loss. Please let her know when you talk to her that not everyone feels the way the loudmouths do.
I pray daily that I never have to join the ranks of Moms Who Have To Bury a Child. I have too many friends who are apart of that group, and I am continually amazed by their ability to keep living. No one should judge anyone else for coping however they can, whether it be blogging, twittering, or whatever.
I have never been in a situation as serious as losing my child. Not even close. But I can safely say that Facebook has been a huge gift for me. I have family and friends spread all over this country (and one in Germany!)….with FB, we are able to exchange photos, thoughts, important life events, silly jokes, helpful tips, etc. I feel more connected now than I ever did before FB. So, yes, I can imagine how a social network might offer crucial support in a crisis. And as for those who start their sentences with, “I would never….”? Walk a mile, people. You have not one single clue how you would react in ANY given situation until you are knee deep IN the situation. How dare you judge a grieving mother.
Heather, you continue to amaze me! Well said!! People need to stop judging others. Everyone GRIEVES their own way…there is no right or wrong way! XX
I’m pretty sure the Dali Lama said something like “We all live in a very small world so if we can’t help everyone, then at least try not to hurt anyone.” It’s true. We should all at least try not to hurt anyone. Ever.
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..That Little Vein =-.
Thankfully; I’ve never had to wear the shoes of a mother who has lost a child, but I can think of no pain, in this world, that would match this kind of life changing, and heartbreaking tragedy. My heart goes out to you, Heather, for being there to speak out for others in their time of grief. No one knows it more than you do. You are an angel, sweetheart, and I wish you all of the best in bringing your precious, little, Binky into this world, and into your empty arms.
I am not a judge. I’m not in that mother’s shoes or have never been in your shoes, Heather. But I’ve walked in mine. Believe me, nobody wants to walk in the shoes of a parent who has lost a child. We each handle our own tragic, devestating loss in our own way.
When I lost my son, I felt alone – so very very alone…all of the time. It didn’t go away, no matter who was around. Social networks weren’t around back then, and I don’t know what I would have done, but I might have taken advantage of a need to turn to someone, anyone, who could truly understand my pain – not just imagine it. Maybe then, I wouldn’t have felt so alone.
This family has a lifetime of grief and sorrow before them. Nothing anybody can do or say will be worse than that. This was an accident, and they need healing, not criticism. I truly hope that those with wicked tongues who have deemed themselves to be superior judge of character never have to walk in their shoes. They’re simply taking advantage of someone’s pain to gain attention, showing how very little character they have.
May Shellie and her family find joy in her son’s memory. May those who judge step back and realize that their selfish need for attention should never be at the expense of anyone else’s pain.
.-= Patti McKenna´s last blog ..I Saw Santa =-.
You are amazing. Just amazing. I could not agree more.
Thank you for being brave and “sticking up” for those who can’t stick up for themselves right now. (And sticking up for yourself…you are amazing.)
.-= Mrs Chaos´s last blog ..Found: Christmas Cheer =-.
Thank you for writing this. I wondered if you would when I heard about the drama. My heart goes out to you and Shellie and everyone who has ever lost a child.
I am beyond appalled at the people judging this poor grieving mother. My heart goes out to her and her family on this tragic loss.
What is this world coming to if people cannot allow a mother to grieve the loss of her precious child?
You’ve written a great post… I hope those hateful people read it!
.-= CaffeinatedBliss´s last blog ..Visiting Coupledumb! =-.
Thank you for sharing this. My nephew died just last month & prayer requests went out via text message while his condition was unknown & blogging about his loss has been a great help to me. As is reading your blog.
I am continually shocked by people’s insensitivity. How dare they question a mom who is reaching out to ask for help & support from the black hole of the nightmare she never aked to be in.
You & yours are in my thoughts & prayers daily. Even more so now that I too know what it’s like to lose a child.
.-= Mary´s last blog ..Pretty as a Flower =-.
You are so right, Heather. People truly do not understand. There is no way to imagine horror involving your child until you’ve experienced it yourself. My closest support when my son died came from internet forum members. I posted the news within minutes of learning it myself. I was blessed beyond measure by these caring people, none of whom I had met or have met.
How I wish I had known about twitter when my husband was in surgery for hours having part of his lung removed due to cancer. It sure would have been better to be connected to someone rather than sitting in the waiting room completely alone.
No one should judge how anyone mourns. We all do the best we can.
May God bless Bryson’s mom. She will need all the support she can get from whatever source.
Shellie is a good friend of mine. She deserves nothing but support in her time of grief. I don’t want to say much more on the subject because its too personal.
This is just a terrible tragedy.
trisha
Please let Shellie know that a mom in Cleveland is thinking of her and is praying for her peace.
And one in CA too!
I had not even heard about this story until reading about it here. I was saddened that this mother feels it necessary to protect herself from the very community she reached out to for support and in that vein, I went back and tried to piece it all together. Now, I think that the debate is not quite as much about a mother twittering for support and prayers as her child was leaving this world as it is a question of why was she more focused on connecting to the 5000 invisible people that may or may not care about her chickens rather than the 2yo that she could see and feel.
Making assumptions about the activity or safety of any child invites this very kind of tragedy but it is not for me or anyone else to judge this woman. I think about all the times I let myself be distracted, for whatever reason and I am grateful that I have thus far been spared the agony that this little boy’s family undoubtably feels. it would do us all well to remember “that could’ve been me” instead of thinking “I would never…”
Nevermind using those voices to stand up against issues in our own communities that we have opinions about…as Heather said, hide behind your computers instead. Agree or not, a mother lost her child at Christmas. Let’s hold her up, not push her down.
THIS is the post everyone needs to read when it comes to this “controversy” that has been swirling around.
I think it’s natural for someone to think to themselves, “Would I tweet about the death of my child?” but it’s completely UNnatural and horrible to blast to the world in judgement “I would never do that and this person is weird/strange/whatever for doing so.”
Your last line sums it all up perfectly for me:
“Even if we don’t all agree about social media, we should agree to care for one another.”
Right on mama. I agree.
I wish things like this never happened, but thank god for the Internet. There’s no reason for people to be alone.
Heather, I am so glad that you have been able to speak up for Shellie. I have been sickened by harsh judgment she’s receiving, most of it based on fabrications, anyway.
.-= Laurie´s last blog ..12 of 12 – December =-.
Amen-for both the sentiment that social media is more than fluff and for the reminder not to judge anyway.
.-= Cristie´s last blog ..We don’t need no stinkin’ Santa =-.
Amen!
Thank you Heather.
I wish you didn’t have this insight to share.
.-= Maria´s last blog ..waking up =-.
I love you, I love your words, I love your bravery, I love your compassion. I love how you make perfect babies, I love how you picked an amazing man, I love how you love Rigby, and despite never being able to wrap my arms around you the way I wish, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Thank you for this one, too.
-K
This *is* a community no matter what anyone outside of it thinks. And you reach out to that community in good times and bad. Thanks for sharing this and I’ll add my prayers for Shellie, even though I don’t know who she is…. it doesn’t matter.
.-= mosey along´s last blog ..Naughty or nice =-.
My daughter died in 1982 and if only I would have had a way to share and talk….I do not even have words to describe the pain and loneliness….all my friends went on with their lives and expected me to as well….they gave me time limits….there is no time limit….I remember after the funeral I had to fix my hair….I was worried about my hair….you can imagine what people said about me…….the night before her funeral I went in to shock they had to get a doctor….the day of the funeral I had to have a nurse sit beside me….I fainted and had to be carried away from her grave…grief almost took my life….no one commented on those things…just that I wanted my hair fixed….if only I could have tweeted for prayers not for my daughter she was already with God but for me and my family….prayers to help us live again….it sickens me to hear of such ….if I would have known then what I know now….I would have never wasted my time in doing what they thought was right….those people are no longer in my life….God has blessed me…he gave her to me for a reason and I am forever changed and grateful for the 2 years he gave me with her….
People are so strange… they expect you to “move on” in a timely fashion, yet they don’t want to help you along the way. They expect you to grieve a certain way, yet when you do, they talk about you behind your back! I can just only try to learn from the situations of people like you and pray that, if (God forbid) I’m ever in a similar situation, I can be as strong as you guys have been. Or, if I’m looking in from the outside, I can be a better friend and person than some of the people described.
I’m so sorry for your loss…
Perfectly said.
.-= Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..Don’t lie to me and tell me you don’t want nerdy kids ’cause you totally do =-.
I am so proud of you. I watched that video yesterday and cried. You did great. Truly.
I am so happy that I know you. And? I agree with every single word you said. That day, the day you and Mike lost Maddie, I (all of us) were on Twitter hoping, praying and willing her to be okay. Asking each other for updates…over and over again, has ANYONE heard from Heather. I was in Hawaii and was online all day, on Twitter waiting for updates. Because I love you. Because I love Maddie. Because I wanted to be there to support you in that small way, if I could.
People don’t understand. People who haven’t seen what this community can do, how much we support each other, may never understand. It’s their loss. It sucks that they have to hate the way that they do. It’s horrible. I had never heard of Shellie, but my heart broke for her. I’ve been offline mostly and have missed a lot of the drama. For that, I am sort of glad.
The friends I’ve made on Twitter and through blogging are amazing. Some of the most supportive people in this world. I can’t imagine my life without them in it.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..Taking a break =-.
One more thing…and this I am going to say, just because I wasn’t around to say it anywhere else last week….when I was eight years old, a little boy drowned at summer camp. In a pool full of kids, with a ton of counselors and three life guards, he drowned. Micah.
Accidents happen. Easily. No one should be judged for not being able to prevent something that happens in seconds. Isn’t fair and it does no good.
Shellie asking for prayers on Twitter, is no different than asking for them in a church. We reach for our community, when in need. It’s not any more complicated than that. Or it shouldn’t be.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..Taking a break =-.
NIce segment on HLN! You are so right. I think if people aren’t involved in twitter or the blogo., they just can’t ‘get it’. Especially women. As you know, women get behind each other here more than any other segment of user. Its so sad that people have nothing better to do than judge in a situation like this.
I love that you are speaking out like this. YOu’re just amazing. Happy Holidays to you all.
I read about Shellie last night. Until I read your post just now, I didn’t realize how big this had gotten though. And it’s sad. It’s also sad to me that I found your blog (and through it have come to ‘know’ and care about you and your family) because of Maddie’s passing away. It’s sad to me because if I’d never heard of you it would be because Madeline was still here – and I really wish that were the case. But I am one of the thousands of people who have come to genuinely care about you and your family – and we have done so through your blogs and for some, Twitter as well. You and I have never met face to face and we never will, but I do feel like I ‘know’ you (and I remember your post “Known”) And I know that for as long as you write, I will read. I’m sad for Sherrie that she was so badly misunderstood at the worst time for that to happen to her. I am positive that she has found comfort in the support that you and others have rallied around her. But I can’t imagine what you, she and so many others in that awful ‘club’ are going through now … *sigh* … (((hugs))) to you. You’re a good person.
Brava. Well said.
You know what… this sickens me to read all the negative comments. My 3 year old daughter passed away in February and I was doing the exact same thing– online begging for prayers, tweeting, blogging etc. No one has the right to speak about what you would do in her situation… no one has the right to say you would have done “the right thing”. Your exactly right, until you are put into that kind of a situation you will never know what you would do. I really hope people leave this heartbroken mom alone and let her grieve her sweet, loved, beautiful son. My heart aches for Shellie and her loss. I will be keeping her in my prayers. I also hate hearing about the deaths of other innocent children. Our babies taken too soon. Way to go Heather.. speaking out the way you did!
Oh Heather it was your calling to stand in for people like Shellie in their time of need, you do it so wonderfully with just the right words, thank God I don’t tweet often, had I seen the negative comments, I would have lost it, and said so in not so nice words!!!! How dare they!!!! The nerve hiding behind this computer screen, hurting someone that has just lost her precious child!!! Her pain I cannot imagine, and don’t want to have too!! I don’t even have one ill thought come across my mind when I see one of my hundreds of friends on facebook, or bloggers reach out in desperation, something wrong with a child or family member, where else can you reach thousands at one time, and have that kind of praying going? No where but here, when I read one of those posts I immediately reach for the screen and start my heartfelt prayer, that is the way I believe no one can take my beliefs of God from me, though many have tried, blasted me for saying things like, Thank God Raina was ok, I was so scared when I saw her wreck her scooter!!! But 10 x more I know where praying for her with me! Thats what I was counting on, and they did and thats all I asked, so I know they are the real friends, no judgement, just said a prayer for my daughter because I asked it of them!!! and have I deleted the ones that got offended for me saying a word of thanks to my heavenly Father, no I have not, they judged me, but I will not judge them, I love them all unconditionally, but had she not made it, or had brain damage, I dont know if I could have stood to see their faces on here, so my love is not as unconditional as the Fathers, but I sure try, to show them the better side of me than they show me, but if I lost my child I dont know if I could keep that up!
God love your heart Heather, I come from one of the toughest backgrounds here in Ky, I know people you know what I mean, if there’s anyone that wants to be mean to you or Shellie after what you two have been through and are still going through, from now on you just tell them that they better watch it cause they don’t want to get on your bad side, cause you “know” people now, tehe, aaaaahhhh, you can find me at the bada bing honey, just holler!!!!
love you guys!!!! Hugs forever!
and anything else you may need “taking care of “lol!!!!
Vanessa (jadarain2)
.-= Vanessa Jordan´s last blog ..Hello world! =-.
It angers me that people have the odacity to judge ANYONE in such a situation. Everyone handles their grief and fear differently. And if Tweeting or posting on FB help someone feel connected to others who care about them and are there for them, then who are these people to pass judgement on that person? In addition, NO ONE knows how they would react in such a situation. Therefore no one can say possitively that they would “never do that”.
i’m sorry that you even have to speak out about such an issue… even more, i’m sorry that you have had the experience which allows you to speak out on such a thing.
I agree with you that no one can tell anyone else how to grieve. I also agree with you that in those kinds of moments a person wants to reach out to their friends and/or social networking for support in whatever way they can. I don’t think she did anything wrong by tweeting from the hospital for prayers.
That said, I think some people have had a problem with the fact that she was tweeting while her other child was calling 911. I don’t think that we should admonish her for this. I think that we can all learn from this though. Parenting should come first, and tweeting second.
Michelle, Actually Shellie was not tweeting while her son was calling 911, that was a total fabrication from a very vile blogger. The police investigation stated that she had jumped into the pool, pulled her son out and was performing CPR until the ambulance arrived. She did not tweet again until she asked for prayers for her son, while he was in the hospital. I will continue to send prayers to Shellie and her family and hope they can find some peace. Linda
Outstanding post, Heather.
I think that people who say ridiculous things like this in the wake of a tragedy want like hell to believe that it could never happen to them. They want to believe that the people suffering have done something to cause the tragedy–something they themselves would “never” do. If they can believe that they would “never” tweet while their child was in the ER, then they can also believe that their child would not die in the same situation. I think they have the choice between blame or fear and they choose blame because it’s easier for them to carry than fear. Never mind the harm it does to the people already suffering.
Bless you for speaking out on behalf of this poor mom.
Good for you Heather, getting on national television and standing up for Twitter and other internet social networking!
I heard about Shellie’s dilemma, and felt very bad for her. I still do. I’m just glad so many people were there for her after her Twittering, to pray for her and support her in her time of need.
Christmas is going to be so difficult for her as well as you this year. I’m very sorry for both of you, but very proud of what you did, to stand up for this!
It’s such a sad situation. I believe everyone has a right to their own opinion but I don’t understand how people can use twitter to berate a grieving mother, make heartless accusations and show a general lack of compassion while questioning Shellie’s use of Twitter to ask for prayers. I mean, who’s using social networking more responsibly??
This poor woman could have been answering a phone call or doing her laundry. There is no way a TWEET makes her responsible for her child’s death. An accident is an accident because it is an ACCIDENT.
I am beyond disgusted at how people have reacted negatively to her. So incredibly sad.
.-= Twwly´s last blog ..Tattoos Again =-.
Perfect, Heather.
I remember that day/night so well. I was in bed (3 hrs later here) just praying and hoping and waiting for updates from you.
The bottom line is that none of us want to feel alone, and social media offers us the ability, the chance, to have support no matter the time, place or situation. I’m glad you spoke up on her behalf. xo
.-= pgoodness´s last blog ..On Vacation =-.
I think we all do what we need to get through this life, through our day, through the next minute and it’s just a shame that anyone feels they should judge anyone on how they choose to do it. If we all came from a place of love and support it would surely make getting through the next moment that much easier.
.-= Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..My Worst Favorite Ornament =-.
When my son was sick last month and we took him to the ER, I posted on FB asking my friends to pray for him. His O2 level was low (about 82) and he was very lethargic. It was scary for me! I’m sitting there as they gave him breathing treatments and oxygen and I’m just praying that he’ll be okay. Suddenly, I thought about all the people who know him… all of the people who cared about us. I thought, maybe they’d like to pray, too. There’s no such thing as too many prayers!! People need to realize that this is the same as when we use to get on the phone and make call after call… except it’s faster and reaches many more people at one time!
Besides that, I don’t really care if this poor woman was tweeting when her son fell in the pool!! NO ONE WANTS THEIR CHILD TO DIE. She didn’t purposely neglect him. Things happen, sometimes, that are beyond our control. If she had been in the restroom or doing dishes… would people accuse her of neglecting her child? It’s a sad situation… I don’t know her and I don’t know Heather, but because of blogs and twitter, they have one more person who is praying for them… who hurts for them and who is on their side.
This is an awful and tragic accident. An ACCIDENT!! It could happen to any one of us, at any time! Isn’t it enough that she and her family have to endure the loss of their beloved child?! Who are these ‘people’ that cast judgement? Have their children never endured a scrape, a fall, an accident while in their care? There but by the grace of God go I. My only feelings for her and her family (and anyone that loses a child under any circumstances) are deep sorrow.
Beautifully said, the media always blows things out of proportion. She deserves everyone’s support now not judgements.
*sigh* I just love you.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..It’s The Most Wonderful Time… =-.
Beautifully put.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Sexiest Man Alive =-.
I can’t imagine a more sensical action than reaching out to the most people. Another blogger wrote about that the other day, how when family members had passed twenty years ago, how she WISHED she had a simple way to reach everyone without having to call person after person, dealing with their shock and grief time after time. I can only imagine that I WOULD do the same thing. And to hell with everyone that has directed cruel words to Shellie, if you’re skeptical then okay, keep your comments to yourself… but cruel? How dare you?
.-= Kellee´s last blog ..2010 Word of the Year: Focus =-.
Back in 1997 we were in an awful car accident. While my 4 year old daughter lay on the side of the road, her father performing CPR on her, I stepped back and made a phonecall to my mother. Had there been “tweeting” in those days, or cell phones that were able to send an email, I would have done that. But as it was, a phonecall to my mother was the best I could do. She then hung up with me, called her best friends and mine, who called theirs, who called theirs, etc. Everyone started praying for our little girl. I really don’t see how my getting on the phone back then is any worse than sending a “tweet” in this day and age. Tweets are more effective, obviously, and faster than the good old fashioned phone chain.
I am so glad that you spoke up for this woman. It’s so very sad that she no longer has her child, but it just makes it worse that people are passing judgement on her.
And people have NO IDEA what they would do or how they will react until IT happens to THEM!
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Growing Up Too Fast! =-.
I have to say that each time I’m finished reading your latest update I feel I ‘kinda know’ what you might have been going through when Maddie passed. But then you update again it’s as if I have never read anything so moving in my life… I realise that even with the biggest effort I am unable to comprehend the vastness of your emotions… And I believe that this realisation results in my not being able judge how anyone is dealing with similar awful events in their lives – it is simply not my place to judge.
All the best Heather, take care of yourself!
Really, how different is tweeting and texting from using the CaringBridge site? CaringBridge is set up to allow everyone to keep tabs on their friend or family member who is recieving some sort of medical care. Tweeting and texting does the same thing – except even faster. And in times of a quickly changing prognosis or an emergency, you need the speed these two forms of social media can provide. It’s the way our world is now, and it allows for us to reach out even faster than ever before. Something that at times is such a necessity.
My heartfelt sympathy to your friend in her time of loss. God bless you both.
I read about this. I tried to comment on Shellie’s blog but she already maxed out replies.
It broke my heart. And to think people lashed out at her at this time in her and her family’s life, makes my stomach churn.
When I lost my grandma, who was the most important person in my life, I turned to my blog and the comfort I received from my friends. When I need a shoulder I know I can get it, however cyber it may be, from those I know online. So to the people bashing her, they don’t know, they don’t understand. I hope they never have to face a hurt and pain this bad to understand.
You don’t have to, but if you can pass a word on to Shellie. She and her family are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that they can get through this one day at a time.
Beautifully said. I think of Maddie everyday. My heart is broken for Shellie.
.-= mom2nji´s last blog ..Slap yo momma Sweet Potato Pie =-.
Perfectly stated, Heather.
When we put ourselves out there as bloggers and tweeters we unfortunately open ourselves up to everyone. It makes me sick that someone could be so hurtful as to use this tragedy for their own mean-spirited attention-grabbing. I hope that the overwhelming support that you, and Shellie, get from the online community will always outweigh the negatives and naysayers.
.-= Jennie´s last blog ..What’s your sign? =-.
I’m glad that Shellie has a friend in you to stand up and defend her actions. I think it’s horrific that you should have to do that in this horrible time. I hope that Shellie can block the morons that are attacking her.
.-= Karen Chatters´s last blog ..My Christmas Wish =-.
Wonderfully written. God bless you, Shellie & your families.
Beautiful post. I’m sorry you had to write it, but thank you for giving Shellie a voice. After what has happened, I fear she may never feel safe sharing her grief through writing as you have and that only adds to the tragedy.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..And another year draws to a close =-.
Social media. thank you for enlightening me on that term. I haven’t heard of that before, however, after transistioning into a saty at home mom, I often defended myself to my husband as to my “much needed break for facebook”… ” all of my friends are there”
Heather, I am moved by your words. I am an RN now stay at home mom, however, my many days and nights as an ER and ICE nurse bring tears to my eyes as I read your legacy that you are writing. My children look at Maddies pictures and ask who she is. She is living on in you. You are Maddies mother. that doesn’t ever stop.
Thank you.
It saddens and angers me how people that don’t know you think they have the right to pass judgement on what you do.
Shellie and her family are in my prayers as well as your family being in my thoughts everyday. Heather, you are so brave and I appreciate that you are sharing your story with all of us, good and bad days, happy and sad thoughts. I know I enjoy visiting with you everyday, i hope your sharing gives you some peace. Wishing you a holiday filled with happy memories of Maddie and the new ones that you will have to share with Binky.
So, so well said.
I have such a hard time believing that anyone who has lived with small children doesn’t understand how unpredictable they can be. Which is why it is so much more hurtful when you see criticism coming from other moms. In an instant things can go south, whether you are tweeting or just brushing your teeth. There but for the grace of God go every one of us.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..(In)Adequate Supervision =-.
I am so glad to read this from you!
I was completely disgusted and nauseated when the backlash started against Shellie.
I was on twitter when she tweeted about Bryson’s accident and my heart just sank.
I fell to the floor in prayer…then a few minutes later when her friend tweeted that he had passed…I prayed for her comfort and solace in this difficult time.
I knew you would have nice things to say about this and I’m so glad you did! In the end we do all need to just support and lift each other up…we are all we’ve got. : )
.-= Haley´s last blog ..Settled in =-.
It has been a long time since I commented, but just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking about you and Mike through the holidays. Once again today, you made me a better parent. When I feel myself losing patience with my daughter I remember all you have lost and it puts everything in perspective. I just want to thank you for continuing to tell your story. I am so looking forward to hearing news of Binky!
I didn’t know Shellie but was horrified to hear the criticisms of her. Of course she would ask for prayers and support in any way she knew how, I can’t imagine why anyone would take issue with that. When my son died in April, I was so grateful for the outpouring of love and support I received from various forms of “social media.” It doesn’t mean I was ignoring my family members to go off on my computer, it means I was using what was available to me to best move through the most tragic moment of my life.
Why are some people so stupid? Thank you for speaking up.
What a good friend you are.
I agree. I love caring bridge and blogs that update you on anothers’ life or struggles. It makes us more human, understanding, and kind. To think of others and pray for them.
God bless your friend and her family. Her son will be with Christ on his birthday this 25th.
We will be judged as harshly or as kindly as we judge others. Only God knows what is truely in our hearts.
We will ALWAYS be here to listen, to pray, and to love from far away.
Not to judge or be cruel. I hope your friend is able to see that and forget about those people who hurt her and her family. God will take care of them.
I’ve been a hospital mom, it was in 2004, before the days of Twitter. We came home every night and wrote an email that was forwarded to a circle of friends who were “designated” to forward again to a larger network of friends and family. People actually wrote to us when we skipped a day, they wanted to know what was happening, they wanted to be there for us. Some days it was hard to find time (or stamina) to compose an email. To have been able to do it in small spurts over the course of the day, sitting alone in the waiting room while they bathed my daughter, standing in the elevator on the way to the hospital café, waiting for the metro train at the end of a long day. Twitter strikes me as the perfect way to share any news in a quick, practically unobtrusive way. Okay, if she’d been joking about food in the cafeteria, that’d be one thing. (But even then, as you say, we all deal with grief differently.) Better to reach out and share than to dig into a dark hole and suffer silently in solo.
I love this post you’ve written — for many reasons. Thanks for writing in defense of Shellie, thanks for writing about your own experience and using it to help and support others.
.-= MDTaz´s last blog ..The Spectacle =-.
well said.
My online community saved me from having a nervous breakdown when Dave got cancer. I will never forget the love and support I got from the “computer”.
You spoke so eloquently and beautifully in that video, Heather.
My goodness you are awe-inspiring.
XOXOX
So true. I needed social networking when my babies died and when my twins were in the NICU. They were people who totally understood and who supported us while we were struggling emotionally. I dont know what I would have done if not for those connections.
Thank you for getting the word out. There is no right or wrong way to grieve; only the personal journey we are forced to walk.
.-= Michele´s last blog ..Advanced =-.
I remember the day Maddie passed and reading the internet info. I am so glad that you are telling people your story. I am not on twitter, but have been seeing the negativity that has been showing up. I really think that you are going to make the difference for Shelley and her family.
.-= Danielle´s last blog ..Santa, I have been a good little girl. =-.
I just REALLY think that many many people just don’t understand twitter. or online relationships. and it saddens me because it’s so REAL. it’s so very real. and people who don’t understand are so quick to judge.
YOU ARE AWESOME for writing this post. love you.
.-= ali´s last blog ..GOOD THINGS. =-.
Heather,
I agree with your post wholeheartedly….for militarymom to ask for prayers is something I certainly would have done aas well. But how do you feel now that she is telling the world that her 11-year old son did not shut the gate to the pool? It breaks my heart to think that he could be saddled with the guilt of killing his brother. It was a tragic accident, but how she’s dealing with it – publicly – I think is pretty awful.
Yet another reason why I love you.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..I’ve lost that Christmas feeling =-.
Dear God, what is the matter with people that they can add to this poor woman’s misery?
I knew nothing about her till I read your post, but looked to learn more and was appalled by what I saw. It is almost to be hoped that she is so numb with grief that this ridiculous furore does not add to it.
The sheer stupid gall of people who do not get that when you are out of your mind with pain and fear your actions are not likely to be all that rational, nor are they open to the criticisms, guesswork and comparisons of people who would act differently. I hope she reads what you have written and gains some small measure of comfort from it.
It is so ironic that you posted this today. I heard what happened to this poor mom and how they were attacking her in the news. The first person I thought of was you. That was actually how I first heard about you since news of Maddie’s death was posted on our micropreemie group.
People can be just so cruel. I can’t imagine losing a child AND having the media go after you like this. When my son passed away I didn’t have a blog yet or FB or a myspace account. Now I look back and realize how much that would have helped. It is so sad that this woman has become a scapegoat of a very judgmental public. NO ONE knows what it is like to lose a child unless they have been there. I can completely understand why she tweeted and why you did. The need to connect with others is so strong when you lose a child. You just need a hand to hold, arms to hug, and warm words to carry you through.
I was following Shellie’s story and the backlash. I was not concerned about her posting about Bryson but rather how much she was tweeting leading up to his drowning. I agree that social network provides healing, I just hope it wasn’t a distraction.
.-= Vaness´s last blog ..Things on my mind… =-.
I followed this story, too, and was horrified to see people tweeting such horrid things at Shellie. I think accidents like this make us think of all the times our kids are out of our sight and something COULD have happened. People who say things like “I would never” are probably the most guilty of all. Accidents happen. It’s horrible, it’s tragic, but it’s NOT something we should be criticizing others for . . . especially when someone has just lost their son.
On a side note, Bryson looked quite a bit like my youngest son, who incidentally fell into our pila which was half full of water, after slipping outside for just a few seconds. We got him out in time, but it does happen in the blink of an eye. It scares me to death to think of losing my sons and I ache for women like you and Shellie who know exactly how horrible it feels.
.-= Expat Mom´s last blog ..Baking Christmas Cookies =-.
Heather –
Good morning. I do not have a problem with Shellie using Twitter at that time, I know when my husband was in the ER this past summer I used text messaging to update family and friends on his status, it was not convenient to call everyone added to the fact that if I heard their voices of concern I would be unable to keep it together emotionally so text made it easier for me to cope.
Heather,
You’re just awesome.
Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry when I read your blog, but I am ALWAYS inspired to be a better person and mother.
No doubt you reach other people beyond measure.
Blessed be, all of you.
.-= Samantha Gianulis´s last blog ..WHERE WERE YOU WHEN… =-.
My heart just breaks for this mother.
I hope and pray she finds comfort in the outpouring of support for her and her family. I just had to add my support as well.
God bless!
dear heather –
i just tried to send the following message to shellie and her family, but failed after trying several avenues on her site. she has, understandably, cut off comments. but, it seems she has also exceeded her quotas/limits on her other online communication methods.
i obviously don’t expect you to be her messenger, but i just CANNOT go to bed without at least trying to reach out to this fellow mother. it may not serve any purpose but to make me feel better, but i am hoping you wil allow me to post this here – at least until i can find some other way to reach out to the ross family directly.
thinking of you, mike and binky during the holiday and wishing all of you peace as well.
karen
—————————————–
to the ross family:
i am traveling for the holidays and have been completely out of touch with the internet for days. i just read about your son via heather spohr’s blog and my heart broke for you and your family. i have no idea how, when, or if, this message will reach you, but i simply couldn’t log off without at least trying to add my voice to the thousands out here who are mourning your terrilbe loss.
my thoughts are with you and your family.
wishing you comfort,
karen
I’ve discussed this with several people and have to agree with you.
When I first heard this story it was actually from a friend of hers, who was confused about what was going on, it seemed she was tweeting while she should have been doing something. (CPR, perhaps. It wasn’t clear. )
Then the news came that he had passed and what had happened, and I see no problem with it.
I don’t tweet, but that morning they decided Robbie had to be born, they told me I had “maybe an hour” and all I knew was in that moment, I needed everyone to pray. If I could have forced the entire Earth to stop spinning to get people to pray for us, I’d have done it. My only hope was my blog, where I had some hope of reaching more than just the 5 people I MIGHT have time to call between getting my epidural, signing consents and being wheeled away.
I posted but a few sentences but I know they reached many and those people prayed. We were fortunate that Robbie did survive, and I think that was in no small part due to the prayers said that day.
I think for those who truly do feel close to our online communities, and for those of us who do believe in the power of prayer, we get it. Certainly for those of us desperate for our children’s lives who think ANYTHING could help, we get it.
Everyone else can piss off.
.-= Trish´s last blog ..God bless us, every one. =-.
As long as her tweetering didn’t cause the accident that took her son, who cares if she tweets and when?? Some people are just thoughtless and cruel and nothing will change that. I’m glad you spoke up, so that some, would understand its not a video game, it’s communication. I kinda, think that’s what people think.
Thank you for speaking out for her and her boy.
.-= patois´s last blog ..The Weekly Wonderings #135 =-.
I am glad you posted this. I was of the mind that I didn’t understand why someone would tweet when their child just drowned. My first son died in my arms but this was before twitter, facebook, myspace and most of the modern-day internet. I couldn’t understand how anyone could post on twitter something like that.
Then I read this post and it makes sense. I could see giving a friend my password to post for me. Then I remembered… I tweet from my phone… and I’ve posted pictures of my son’s in the ER for anything from asthma attacks to raging fevers and after being hit by a car.
And then, I felt horribly guilty. What if, just hypothetically… my son had died from his asthma attack (it could happen) or died after being hit by the car. What a B*tch I am to even question what she did when I am doing the same thing every day.
Your post really helped me to see this. While I never said anything to her about my thoughts, I feel terrible for even thinking it.
I had been looking for her online to offer a (((HUG))) b/c no mother should ever watch her child die… but now I feel even worse about it and want to extend my apologies for thinking such heartless things.
There is a group called “The Compassionate Friends” that helped me immensely. If you could pass that on to her… I would be ever grateful.
In heavy heart,
Dotchi
Heather, you are a wonderful person. Thank you for speaking out for Shellie!
Thank you for writing about this from the point of view of someone who HAS felt the support of the online community. I wish that people could understand how much of a community this really is, and it broke my heart what people were saying to/about Shellie.
You’re so amazing, Heather.
So glad that you were able to go on camera and defend Shelli and speak out about social media.
SO sad that the circumstances arose, which led to your speaking.
I don’t know Shelli, and hadn’t heard about her before this tragedy, but my heart absolutely goes out to her. So sad.
{ 3 trackbacks }