I am one of the only people I know who has never seen the movie The Notebook (or read the book). I honestly have no idea what it’s about other than a vague idea there is kissing in the rain. When I told some of my friends that I was finally going to sit down and watch it, they said they couldn’t wait to hear what I thought. They all love it, and told me to make sure I had a box of tissues on hand. Oh great, a sad movie. I decided to jot down my thoughts as I watched it (this is spoiler-y, obviously):

3:01 Gena Rowlands has amazing skin.

3:25 JAMES GARNER. I love this movie already.

4:30 Gena Rowlands is dressed very nicely, like she’s going to maybe run for office.

5:00 Oh, Ryan Gosling is in this movie. I feel like I probably should have known this. Maybe it’s because I am “meh” on him. Don’t hate me.

6:00 And Rachel McAdams. Jeez, they look like babies. They have not aged as well as Gena.

6:15 They are the young James and Gena, yes?

7:45 So…Noah threatens to kill himself if Allie doesn’t go out with him. That’s a real Dahmer/Dobler move right there.

Nothing is sexier than imminent death!

15:20 Now he’s laying in the street. Run away, Allie.

15:45 He just mansplained her into laying in the street with him. Dreamy.

19:35 Now they’re wasting ice cream…tsk tsk. Did the Depression teach them nothing?

stop wasting the ice cream
He makes forty cents an hour, stop wasting his precious dessert, Moneybags.

23:00 She really likes jumping on him.

WTF does that mean?

24:00 So far, I’ve wanted both of Rachel McAdams’ bathing suits.

25:00 Fighting and then making out looks like more fun than my time-honed technique of fighting and then giving the silent treatment.

25:30 Uh oh, Allie’s dad has a mustache, he must be evil.

Sweet curls, though.

29:15 Run-down haunted mansions are not hot.

33:00 They’re going to do it on the floor, surrounded by spiders and ghosts? Noooooo.

I mean, they’re gonna tell you. You just don’t have to listen.

37:00 Ugh her parents are the worst.

38:30 Sometimes Ryan Gosling’s hair looks grey and it’s very distracting to me.

45:24 Kevin Connolly, stop being so short and just tell Noah that she’s sorry, JEEZ.

47:00 This movie is going to make me hate Joan Allen.

48:44 Kevin Connolly, I’m really sorry I called you short. I feel badly about that now in light of you getting your legs blown off.

49:40 JAMES MARSDEN. I love Mr. Liz Lemon! How is falling in love with him surprising, he’s James Marsden and he sings like a dream.

Appreciative wolf whistle.

57:00 I don’t know what’s happening, I just got lost in the idea of marrying James Marsden and having him sing to me like in Enchanted.

59:45 Add Ryan Gosling’s beard to the list of things distracting me.

1:06:03 LOL she crashed the car and Noah’s face was like, “Girl, I taught you how to drive better than that.”

1:08:45 James Garner is not going to let some stupid doctor tell him about dementia, no siree.

He thinks your medical degree is adorable.

1:12:15 What is happening with the costume and makeup design here? Honestly, Rachel McAdams is a retro vision with her pin curls, and Ryan Gosling looks like every hipster I try to avoid in Hollywood.

1:15:43 Their kids are jerks.

1:21:51 Damn it, Joan Allen! You never gave her the letters? I knew I was going to hate you.

1:22:05 Kissing in the rain, there it is. Did he…just carry her up stairs with his pants around his ankles? That’s a man on a mission.

1:28:00 So Noah’s girlfriend is…happy…that Noah is in love with someone else? Not buying it.

1:29:23 He made her a painting room? Well that’s pretty sweet…wait why is she painting naked outside? What is this porno?

Título: El Diario De Noa
Such an impractical outfit for arting.

1:30:00 Joan Allen, you evil beeyotch.

1:31:05 Can someone please get Allie some clothes??

1:35:09 Joan, you kept all of the letters? That’s really sending mixed messages.

1:38:55 “What do you want?” I want them to stop shouting, my kids are asleep.

I also want him to clean up his hair.

1:40:00 She is a terrible driver.

1:45:02 James Marsden is too good for Allie.

1:46:00 I guess I’m supposed to be rooting for her to pick Noah…but I’m not feelin’ it. James Garner is legit, though.

1:47:25 Old people are adorable when they dance.

1:50:05 Well this dancing scene certainly took a turn.

1:51:30 Oh, crap. But he was taking his medicine!

1:56:32 “Do you think our love could take us away together?” That sounds ominous, Gena.

1:57:51 NO. EFFING. WAY. I hate this movie.

THAT IS HOW IT ENDS?! You guys. YOU GUYS! What did I just watch?! HOW IS THAT HOW IT ENDS? Is that romantic? Am I dead inside? I’m actually kind of pissed. This is my face right now:

the notebook can go f itself

Oh my god. This movie can eff off.