Even though Mike and I have had some great Valentine’s Days (e.g. engagement and Rigby), I’ve generally disliked the holiday. If you’re not in a relationship you feel crappy and everything is overpriced. Lots of forced togetherness and obligated demonstrations of love. It’s exhausting. Except this year if it wasn’t for Valentine’s Day, Mike and I probably wouldn’t have had a date night for months.
Adjusting to Mike’s new job has been challenging. I’d thought maybe we’d reached our groove, but no. Mike and I had been lucky for so long in that we’d repeatedly been able to land contracts that allowed us to work from home. We had a whole system worked out for housework, child care, and getting our jobs done. Now that he’s gone all day I have to do everything. I haven’t had to handle a house and a job since Annie was eleven months old, and now there are two kids, and more responsibilities, and you’re breaking out the tiny violins for me, right? They’re good problems to have, but they’re still my problems.
And…a lot of the time, I don’t think I handle them very well. I’ve never been great at managing my time, and I’ve always preferred to work late into the night. That’s a recipe for disaster with two early-to-rise kids. By the time Mike gets home, I’m exhausted, my patience is gone, and I’m snippy and UGH, snippy people are the worst.
The thing is, I’m doing it to myself. Mike doesn’t expect or even want me to do all the household stuff. He just has to know what I want him to help me with, and I have to be fair and tell him in advance instead of getting huffy when he doesn’t read my mind. We’re very uncertain in our new roles and don’t want to step on the other’s toes, but we have to be honest about what we need and for some reason, that’s been really hard these last few months. The first step is making time for each other. For us, that means literally leaving the house because it’s impossible to give each other undivided attention at home.
Valentine’s Day was a good night to start making time for each other. Although, we didn’t go out on actual Valentine’s Day…mostly because by the time we remembered to make reservations, the only times available that night were 3:30 pm or 9:15 pm. Instead we went to a nice dinner last night, and it was so much more laid-back. The restaurant was half-full and there wasn’t any pressure for us to eat quickly so the staff could flip the table. My parents were with the kids (thanks mom & dad!), so we didn’t have to worry about them at all, and instead we were able to talk about the things we needed, and the struggles we were having with our new set-up. Mike loves his job but is missing being with the kids, and is jealous of the time I get with them. I am thankful I can be with them, but also jealous that Mike gets to work in an office (I love offices!) with grown-ups (I love grown-ups!).
So we’re working on it. I’m working on it. If we keep working, we’ll hit that groove. Right?
defendUSA says:
You know, even after nearly almost 29 years, we still have to hit our grooves!! The important thing is that you are both aware and somehow the snippy, or grumpy is easier to handle. It doesn’t make it fun, no. We just had a life change from owning a CPA business to the spouse being on the road. It’s been very tough and we finally hit our groove after 4 months, ironically on Valentine’s Day! He calls it a Hallmark Holiday, and me? The bible even says to shower me with trinkets and such, but I can settle for dancing and hot sex at my age!! Hang in there and hire a good sitter if you must!!
Casey says:
So nice you guys got some time together! My husband and I both work full time and we have a 5 year old in Kindergarten and a 5 month old in day care. All the cooking/cleaning/etc gets crammed in the evenings and weekends. We feel like we never have time to just relax. It’s tough – but we gotta pay the bills, ya know? Hoping you guys start finding your groove…
Jenn says:
Heather,
You will absolutely find your groove. Throughout my marriage and 2 kids, our “groove” has had to change many, many times. The best thing you are doing is talking about it. I loved that moment in our marriage when we stopped expecting each other to be mind readers. I love how you guys expressed how you each felt about time with/away kids and work.
So happy you had some time together, it makes your whole family recharge when the mommy and daddy are connected!
Maris says:
Hope you find your groove. Maybe, if your parents don’t mind, they could babysit once a month and you guys could have a date night?
Erin @ One Particular Kitchen says:
I love your honesty here. Yes, you will totally find your groove! I have faith on your behalf.
Terri says:
You’ll get there! It still hasn’t been very long and those are a lot of major changes all in a short period of time. (good changes, but still, changes!) Maybe making up some kind of chore list would help? I used to work retail and there was a chart on the wall every day telling the things that had to be done each day, then one “deep clean” chore that had to be done, along with each persons name next to what they did. That way everyone knew what had to be done and there was no questioning who was supposed to do which. You might try something like that. It’s awesome that he will help out and wants to, and also that you have parents available to help with the kiddos. I think our biggest problem in our marriage is we have no help at all with our daughter. So date nights never happen. If she happens to have school on a day we are both off work we get to have a few hours to ourselves to have a “date morning”. Yesterday was one of those days and it was amazing! Just walking around Target and eating lunch by ourselves was a nice break. You’ll get it all figured out, don’t be too hard on yourself in the meantime.
Laura says:
I worked from home (freelance) for a long time with babies in my lap. If I could turn back the clock 15 years and do it over again, I would hire help three mornings a week. I’m just now realizing that I treated my “job” more like a hobby — everything else during the day came first and I worked many, many nights from 10 pm – 3 or 4 am trying to meet deadlines. I should have made up a schedule of set in stone office hours and stuck to them. I should have created more of a separation between home life and work life just like if I went to an office. I do regret the times I put my crying baby in his crib so I could do a quick conference call in the downstairs powder room. At the time, I was so bone tired and freelance work was sporadic (eight hours one day/no hours some days – why spend money on a helper when I’m not making money = my thought process at the time), that I couldn’t clearly think through a better system. It seemed impossible. Now, with some hindsight, I can see the problems and solutions a little better. You will find your own path that works for you. A little extra sleep, talking to an older mentor who has been through it and a few hours to really examine what is working and what is not, may be a start to coming up with a plan. I feel for you. Work and home mashed together can really wear a person down. Best wishes.
Leah says:
You’re probably describing (in broad outlines) the lives of a large percentage of your readers. I’ve been married seven years and have two kids and a very perceptive, engaged husband. I recently changed jobs so I could work from home, which was what I wanted, yet I *still* find myself doing 100% of the chores rather than asking for help, then oozing resentment. If one partner is more or less in charge at home it’s hard for the other one to step in and take care of random tasks without some direction. I am basically the boss of the home but instead I act like I’m Cinderella. Makes no sense (or so I keep telling myself).
Juzza says:
This is me to a tee! I work one day a week and am in charge of basically everything in the house, with our 3 kids and all their activities. I’d had a long day recently and the 14 mo was not eating anything I was getting up to get him for dinner and I cracked it and said I felt like his maid! Hubby then unpacked and repacked the dishwasher after tea.
I like to do everything and do it my way but I do need help. Then when my Hubby helps me do something (washing etc) I feel like he needs to do it because I’ve ‘failed’ to be on top of everything and I don’t like it. So confusing and tiring!!
Karen says:
I agree, Leah. Welcome to the club.
Aside from maternity leave (8 weeks the first time – luckily, 3 months the second), I have worked at least one, and often 2 jobs for 16 years and our house could probably fit on your kitche.
Our time off is spent visiting family and now I am in graduate school and both the husband and I work weekends on top of m-f 8-5. We have a 7 year-old and a nearly 3 year-old.
Such is life.
I have not had a datenight since December and before that for 1.5 years.
So, yes, you will find your groove. We have ours and while it is not pretty, it works.
We have learned that the housework must go at times. You can only do what you can do. And we have had to ask my parents to take the kids for us more often than we would like, due to work.
We just keep hoping for raises but in this economy, we are thankful to have our jobs. We would just like to only need one each. So, our “dates” include our boys because we are away from them too much as it is.
Cheryl says:
We both work outside the home and it takes awhile but you find what works for you and your marriage. I pay someone to come every other week to clean so it frees our weekends for our son’s baseball games or for me to work out in the yard (I find it therapeutic to trim bushes and take care of my roses). I do 100% of the laundry but he always cleans up the kitchen no matter who decided to cook that night. Having someone clean the house stopped the nagging when we are both tired and really helped our arguments about who was doing more.
Our date nights are few and far between since sitter’s are so expensive. If I can find a friend to babysit I will, but we don’t have family near by. So when we do go out we really cherish it. Hang in there, trial and error will help you two sort it out.
Shea says:
Ok, so I know this sounds very “college dorm,” but something that has really worked for us is dividing up the chores between the two of us, written down on paper so it’s official. So yeah, a chore chart. For adults. That way, we each know what each person’s responsibilities are. It may be all psychological, but it makes me feel less bad about saying, “hey, can you empty the dishes?” or “the trash needs to be taken out” because we both know they’re his responsibilities. And the same goes for him reminding me. There’s no confusion. We both work and we both suck at and hate cleaning. This just helps us stay on top of it and our apartment looks so much better these days!
Christina says:
Oh man, I am about to step into this (for me) unknown territory. Baby due in May and I plan to not come back to work (shhhh… don’t tell them cuz I want the freedom to change my mind… and I’m worried I’ll miss the gals at work, staying up on the trends in the adult world, won’t be stimulated/challenged, etc… UGH!). My husband is ALREADY talking about how jealous he is that I’ll get to stay home with baby and doggies. I plan to WORK though. I have 3 (IMHO) great Etsy shop ideas and a blog idea. It won’t replace my income I’m sure, at least not right away. But I won’t be eating bonbons. I won’t have family nearby so it will be tough to figure out how we’ll get time to go out, just the 2 of us. We will find some options, it’ll just be a little less obvious for us. V-Day is a good reminder to do that, though. I hope we won’t need a reminder but I’m going to just play this whole thing by ear. Excited and SCURED!!
Lanie says:
So glad that you at least got a date night. I am sure that you will find your groove soon – and then something in life will change, so you will have to find it again. Family/work balance is so tricky!! xo
Jackson says:
Is Mike writing any actual articles at Buzzfeed? I just see lists with his name. He is a good writer and I miss his writing.
Heather says:
Lists are a huge part of BuzzFeed, so that’s been his main focus since joining, but he does plan to branch out moving forward and do other types of posts too. The list style can lend it to some very good writing, though! I especially like this one Mike did: “37 Things You’ll Regret When You’re Old.”
Jean says:
I didn’t know that he did the Buzzfeed lists. I love those lists. My daughter does too.
Lea says:
You’ll get there! These are huge adjustments for both of you, but you are an awesome team and parents, and you will figure it out with some time. It will get easier I promise!
Diana says:
My husband and I struggled with the same thing when he took a new job several years ago. It was really hard, but I did find two things that helped. First, we hired a housekeeper to come in twice a month and actually clean the house. It cost $60 each time, which may seem like a lot, but we just cut back on eating out and cable to make up the difference. While I still had to do the day to day picking up, laundry, etc., it was soooo nice to not worry about the deep cleaning. Secondly, I dropped my kids off at my parents for a few hours once a week, and just had me time: went to a movie, got a pedicure, etc. This really helped my ability to cope with reality without resentment. Honestly, your situation is hard, and while you will still struggle regularly, over time a “new normal” emerges. Good luck.
Ella says:
tired but happy
Paula says:
We got completely out of our groove a couple of years ago. We weren’t really talking, just not connecting. We both had pressured jobs and a toddler – plus he travelled. We were both utterly worn down. I was too busy and tired (and at times resentful of his freedom) to see he was heading for a major breakdown. When it came I was blindsided – how could the man I married, the father of our precious child, want to leave us?
It took some fighting, a lot of tears, and a very good doctor to diagnose depression, and we are in the groove again. So much so, that we have just quit our jobs and when our house sells we are starting a new life in the country.
Make time for each other – often. Tell each other what you feel, need, want. Don’t let go of the love when you get tired, busy, or just plain bored.
Xxx
Meg says:
It’s all a hard negotiation, isn’t it? The thing that has been saving my sanity is doing boring chores while the kids are awake, rather than wasting nap time or weekend time on cleaning. Just helps me feel saner, overall. But it does sometimes feel like EVERYONE needs something at all times of the day. SO MANY BABIES!
MNMom says:
Just throw perfection out the window. Focus on the kids and you and Mike and let the rest figure itself out. Do laundry when you need to, let the sheets stay on the bed a little longer. Find short cuts for meals and the vacuuming may get done less often, big deal. Maybe force yourself to do less and lower expectations for yourself a little. Just enjoy those babies and Mike. My husband and I always had a standing date on Weds nights (easier to find sitters). Sometimes we didn’t have a clue where we were going as we walked out the door but we always went someplace and just took a breather. If you can swing that, I highly recommend it. It’s a great time to see how things are working or not working, adjust schedules and laugh!
Glenda says:
There’s always going to be some time in your marriage that you have to get your groove. It’s being team players & communicating and you & Mike are doing it! Date nights are amazing. It’s a recharge. Thankfully you have amazing parents to help. Keep talking & keep doing. You got this!
Meg says:
I just wanted to let y’all know that I thought of Rigby on Valentine’s Day, because that was when she met her parents
Jen says:
I love seeing a post by Mike pop on my Buzzfeed. I was a reader of both The Spohrs are Multiplying and Buzzfeed before Mike started working there. I get so excited when I see it is him. I feel like a fan
Mike says:
Thank you, Jen! That’s so sweet of you to say!