It’s no secret that Los Angeles has really crappy traffic. I usually take advantage of my commute time to make my phone calls, but now that California’s Hands-Free cell phone law is in effect I’ve tried to cut back on my talking (and I always forget my headset). This evening I was at work until about 6:15, and figured I’d missed most of the traffic. I was very wrong. While I sat in heavier-than-usual traffic (caused by this!), I had my iPod playing on shuffle. A great song by Loudon Wainwright came on (and if you have a daughter or ARE a daughter, you must go to iTunes RIGHT! NOW! and download another song of his, “Daughter.” You’ll love it. I promise), “Grey In LA.” I sang along to the words mindlessly until I got to the last few lines.
There’s no place that’s better I know,
For a wannabe star stuck in a car
On a freeway with nowhere to go.
The song is pretty bitter at LA, but those last words struck a chord with me. There I was, stuck in crap traffic, barely inching towards home. Wannabe star? Oh yeah. Oh, how I wanted to be famous when I was growing up. I wanted to be a singer more than anything. And to be honest, I still wouldn’t mind if I woke up and that dream was true.
I spent many years (and lots of my parents’ money) on singing lessons and piano lessons, but I never did anything with it. Now that I’m 29, I know that dream is pretty out of reach, unless I go on American Idol, and uh, no way (sorry Noel). And I’m a little sad that I didn’t at least try – go on auditions, that sort of thing. It’s probably the only thing in my life that I didn’t go after full-force. I think it’s because I wanted it SO badly that maybe I was subconsciously protecting myself from certain rejection (to quote Loudon again, this town’s so cruel). Or maybe I was just lazy. Point being, it’s nobody’s fault buy my own.
My life is coming up on a crossroads. I know there are potential changes coming my way, and I don’t know how things are going to wind up. Unfortunately, I have to sit back and let the chips fall where they may, and it’s making the control freak in me completely stress out. I can’t help but think about how all the choices I’ve made in my life have lead me to a point where I no longer have any. That makes me a bit melancholy.
I don’t want Madeline to be 29, sitting in a crummy traffic jam, thinking about what she should have done with her life. I want to make sure she goes for her dreams, no matter how scared she is or how unattainable it might seem. I need to set a good example for her. No, I am still NOT going to try out for American Idol (sorry Noel). I have to figure out some new dreams for myself. And of course, I must acknowledge that one of my dreams came true eight months ago. Being Maddie’s mother is great, but I want more – need more. It might be selfish, but I have to make myself happy, too, right? I want to be her role model. I want to make my dreams come true, so that she knows it’s possible.
Now I have to get out of that traffic jam and figure out where I’m going.