Heather: Mike. MIKE! Wake up! I just saw what I am pretty sure is a spider.
Mike: I’m pretty sure I’m sleeping.
Heather: Are you kidding me? It could be a brown recluse! Or a black widow!
Mike: What are those?
Heather: Um, only the two grossest, most poisonous spiders that I know the names of.
Mike: It’s not one of those, it’s Charlotte from Charlotte’s web. Go to sleep.
Heather: Well, this Charlotte spun a web that said, “Imma kill you in your sleep.” What are you gonna do about it?!?!?!
Mike: I will deal with it…first thing in the morning. I promise.
Heather: There will BE no first thing in the morning!!! Did you not hear about the kill us in our sleep part?!
Mike: Heather, what time is it?
Heather: I can tell you that it is NOT three a.m.
Mike: Oh Heather.
Heather: While you are arguing with me, the spider has probably weaved a cocoon around Annabel, and is slowly dragging her back to the web.
Mike: Seriously? Annabel is right here next to me.
Heather: I’m all itchy. And my mouth tastes weird. I think I’m foaming at the mouth. The spider probably bit me!
Mike: Goodnight Heather.
Mike: Why is the TV suddenly so loud?
Heather: The spider turned it up. I can’t control the beast. If the volume bothers you so much, you should probably kill the spider.
Mike: Can’t you just get the vacuum?
Heather: Vacuum? Are you kidding? Then every time I use it I’ll be afraid that the spider will crawl out of the dust thing and bite me.
Mike: Well, lucky for you, you never use the vacuum, so this won’t be a problem.
Heather: You realize I will not let you sleep until you kill the spider right?
Mike: FIIIIINE. Hand me that magazine.
Heather: That’s my Us Weekly! I haven’t even finished “Celebrities: They’re Just Like Us!” Use your Sports Illustrated or something.
Mike: You want me to use MY magazine to kill YOUR spider?
Heather: I don’t own the spider. I didn’t name it. …I could name it, though.
Mike: GAH FINE I WILL KILL IT WITH MY HANDS OR WHATEVER JUST LET ME SLEEP!
Heather: Yay! You are awesome. It’s in the bathroom by the sink.
Mike, a minute later: Heather. Your spider is FAKE EYELASHES. Are you kidding me? Why do you even have those? I can’t believe I got out of bed for this!
Heather: I thought it might have been. But it could have been a spider, I can’t take chances, I’m a mother. You didn’t throw them away, did you?!
Mike: You’re a mother alright.
Heather: What’s THAT supposed to mean?!
Bwahahahahaha! Thank you for this. You make 1:30am a whole lot funnier.
Totally agree. just after 2am here and this had me giggling.
(And now to see if this reply goes through, I’m starting to wonder if I am blocked from replying to your blog? )
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
I never saw the whole fake eyelashes thing coming!
Me neither!!! This is hilarious!
michelle in MO says:
LoLoLoLoL! I thought for sure it was going to be a real spider. It’s still technically winter here in MO. In fact, it snowed four inches on Sunday night. We already have ants. I HATE bugs. HATE THEM.
I am not worried that the loss of Maddie will affect Annabel in a detrimental way but your phobias do concern me!
You need therapy for that! How on earth are you going to teach your daughter to be brave and unafraid of anything in life if a tiny weeny spider (or eyelashes) reduces you to hysteria?
How will you react when she brings slugs and snails in the house? And collects bugs for your approval? I’d love to be a fly on the wall for that…
OMG if there was a fly on my wall I would freak out.
hearty laugh to finish the day on was just had for this little duck…
I am terrified of spiders but there is no way my hubby is going near my US Weekly to kill a spider. He’s tried several times since that might be the only thing around but I much rather have him kill a spider with his foot than make me have to recycle my magazine before I get done with it.
He’ll tell me I can just wipe the dead spider off and it will be fine. Ha! I say. How in the world can I enjoy “Stars, They’re Just Like Us” or “25 Things You Didn’t Know About So & So” (even if I don’t care but have to read it anyway) knowing a creepy spider’s guts were on my US Weekly?
You’re so lucky to have such an understanding husband. Mine gets totally upset every time I hear a burglar and refuses to check out the potential murderers. He claims the alarm system will let him know when we have an issue…next time I’ll try a spider-burglar, see if that gets him to go check out those creaks that couldn’t possibly be because our house is 50 years old.
Oh great, n
(Whoops…my finger hit submit before I finished)
Oh great, now you’ve scared me into thinking an army of spiders are going to crawl out of my vacuum and kill me in my sleep. Thanks!
I don’t want to distract from your spider craziness (because I’m dealing with spring thaw and spider babies here right now, bleh!)… but did you SEE Finn last night? Never thought I’d be on team Rachel.
LOL, this would be the opposite of what would happen in our house. My husband is terrified of spiders, while I’m not. He also has mobility issues but when a spider is around, you’d be surprised how fast he moves!
Have a great day and don’t let the bastards get you down!
Elle P. says:
That was hysterical! Thanks for the laugh on this damp dreary morning. (Where I live, anyway.)
Thanks for the laugh! I completely understand. I have a huge fear of spiders and even worse I have night terrors of them when I get stressed. I’ll wake up screaming thinking huge spiders are hanging over my bed. Mike should be glad you don’t do that, scares my husband to death!
Amanda Joy says:
This is hilarious, and so indicative of my life. We have found five…FIVE spiders in the house over the last week. My kids seem to find them and think it is fun to laugh at mommy when I jump and yell as I kill the icky things.
My 3 year old, Asher, tends to laugh extra hard at the spider that jumped at me from a lamp shade, causing great dramatics from me; all while my two year old says, “More again, more again” Little goobers, the kids not the spiders:)
My favorite line of this post is: “I thought it might have been….” Too funny!
I think my husband would have hit ME with the magazine if I had woken him up to kill a spider!! LOL
Molly @Mallaidh says:
Best. Nighttime. Wakeup. Ever.
And this…..this is WHY, I adore you guys!!! ha ha ha
Same here! Hilarious!
Totally kept thinking I was reading a Barefoot Foodie blog entry… had to keep reminding myself it was Mama Spohr…
Oh. My. Goodness. This could have been a conversation heard in my house. Only swap out the spider for a stinkbug. Or a snake (yes…we had a snake incident….I’m still traumatized!).
Our area has been overrun with stinkbugs over the last few months….they are seriously creepy (google brown marmorated stinkbug for kicks) and impossible to kill. Every time we find one in the house (which happens frequently), I make my husband pluck it off the wall and flush it. Can’t crush them or vacuum them up b/c they will use their stinky self-defense and make the house smell horrible.
I hate bugs.
Funniest thing I’ve read all day! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Kristin (MamaKK922) says:
Ha Ha OMG so funny my husband and I have had many of these discussions at NOT 3 AM.
Thanks for the laugh!
And the spider turning the TV up loud is brilliant!
Only in Louisiana ~ documenting the adventures of life! says:
You made me laugh today….thank you!
I love you guys!!
My husband totally got bit by a Brown Recluse (or what we think was one…) and now I’m the official bug killer in the house. Granted, he had to go to the Emergency Room and was put at the top of the list cause he could have had a flesh eating disease, but still I hate being the bug killer! I feel for Mike (sorry Heather! )
OhEmGee. I totally peed myself reading this. And I agree, US Weekly is off limits for bug patrol. Well, unless theres a pic of Kim Kardashian on the front cover. But I digress.
Wanna hear a story? If you buy a real Christmas tree cover your ears. Or close your eyes or something. I can’t be bothered with semantics.
Picture this- 9 gigantic months pregnant with a gigantic baby. Vacuuming around the Christmas tree we have had for 3 WEEKS. Bump the tree with my cankle, and spiders RAIN down from it. RAIN!!!! No joking. * shudder* The baby spiders were everywhere. Cue me frantically calling my husband to come home and spending the next hour on hands and knees on the floor vacuuming up EVERY single spider that fell. And there were, like, millions. Or hundreds. No matter. Did I mention I was 9 months pregnant, bent under the tree with the vacuum? Sore.For.Days.
True Story. GAH!
I would literally set my house on fire.
The only reason I didn’t is because I was also in the frantic “nesting” stage- and it’s hard to nest when you are living under an overpass cause you burned down ya house.
Holy hell. This cracked me up because 1) you have fake eyelashes? and 2) I would do the same thing to my husband. I WAS bit by a Brown Recluse spider and it was horrid and involved many surgeries and nerve damage. So for that reason alone, I never take any chances and all spiders must die.
I wanted to see if I could figure out how to put them on! Answer: no.
I am not going to embarrass myself by disclosing how many blogs I follow and how many posts I probably read a day. Some might consider me to be a professional blog reader… I’m that pathetic.
This might be the funniest post I have ever read in my life!
I know a girl who got bit by one of one of those spiders, don’t know which but the venom ate away half of her leg it was terrible~!
Mrs Marcos says:
He totally would have felt so stupid if it really was a big nasty spider.
I just have to say with all the sadness in my life lately…THANK YOU! for making me smile and EVEN laugh! btw, the post about people saying things about how sad it is for Annie, they are crazy and I feel that from the small amount you let me into your life, you are one of the BEST parents out there.
I love Mike’s reply: You’re a mother alright LMAO thanks for making me laugh.
I am terrified of spiders too…when I was in high school I was in the kitchen and one of those little spiders that likes to jump was by the sink. I tried to be brave and swat it, but it jumped at me and landed in the sink. I couldn’t try again so I took a glass and put it over the spider. The damn thing kept right on jumping his little ass off against the sides of the glass. And I then gave it a “haha” and stuck my tongue at it! When my mom got home and saw my “prisoner” she about peed her pants laughing at me. She asked why I didn’t kill it and I told her I tried but it jumped at me so I made it my prisoner!
Amanda M. says:
I used to love spiders.
Now I almost vomit when I see one. My husband has to squish it when I’m not looking and dispose of the body on the downlow or it’s panic and puke for me.
I feel you. I would’ve woken up my husband too.
Hehehe, thank you for that giggle. I would have done the same thing. Totally. Hate. Spiders!!!
Spiders eat roaches,flies, etc. You should be thankful every time you see a spider.
Best laugh I’ve had all day.
I hate spiders and snakes. I make whatever person is with me kill the spider and will run for my life at any sign of a snake.
I’m okay with spiders. It was the cockroaches and scorpions in my apartment in AZ that freaked me out. Seriously, 9 scorpions spotted in our apartment in a 9 month school year, including one that fell out of the ceiling fan in my bedroom while I was studying. Not fun! Unfortunately of the 4 girls living there I was the only one brave (or stupid?) enough to deal with them. Bleh!
Oh my god, this is hilarious, and totally something I would do. I once made my boyfriend run out of the bathroom with face wash covering his face to come out and kill a freaking HUGE centipede that was ON THE BED UNDER THE PILLOW. He flushed it down the toilet then in the morning when I went to use the bathroom it was swimming in there like it had been treading water in my toilet all night or something. I have no idea how it survived the flush and I was terrified it was going to crawl out and bite me one day!
So on a side note, did you ever use the fake eyelashes? I’ve seen some people use them for weddings and formal events and look really good, but then I see some people use them for things like Halloween, and something is telling me I’d end up in the Halloween category if I used them.
I am pretty sure I just peed after reading that! I am assuming you didn’t have your glasses on when you saw the “spider”. When we first moved to Texas I got up to use the bathroom at night and didn’t put my glasses on. I saw a very large black thing on the floor. I was hoping it was a big hair clip but deep down I knew it wasn’t. I went back and got my glasses and looked at it. It was what they call a water bug but most call it a cockroach! It was the size of a twinkie, I SWEAR! I wore my shoes to bed for many nights after that!
Mr. Spider says:
It’s good to see you haven’t forgotten about me from my last house call in July. I’m humbled I’m still on your mind.
I have been known to resemble a pair of fake eyelashes in the dark of night – my sincerest apologies my friend. Next time, I’ll make sure there’s no mistaking it’s me.
Until we meet again,
Oh, this nearly killed me, I was laughing so hard. I have definitely (DEFINITELY) had this conversation with several braver-than-me folks, including my parents, former roommates and now, my husband. PS, the first year we lived in our house, we had brown recluses everywhere. I might have (might have) threatened to move out and to a part of the US where they generally aren’t found once or twelve times. Spiders and me? Very unstable combo. AND I TOTALLY HEAR YOU ON THE “FEAR THEY’LL COME BACK OUT OF THE VACUUM”.
Pure Awesome. So, so funny!