2:45 am

Heather: Mike. MIKE! Wake up! I  just saw what I am pretty sure is a spider.

Mike: I’m pretty sure I’m sleeping.

Heather: Are you kidding me? It could be a brown recluse! Or a black widow!

Mike: What are those?

Heather: Um, only the two grossest, most poisonous spiders that I know the names of.

Mike: It’s not one of those, it’s Charlotte from Charlotte’s web. Go to sleep.

Heather: Well, this Charlotte spun a web that said, “Imma kill you in your sleep.” What are you gonna do about it?!?!?!

Mike: I will deal with it…first thing in the morning. I promise.

Heather: There will BE no first thing in the morning!!! Did you not hear about the kill us in our sleep part?!

Mike: Heather, what time is it?

Heather: I can tell you that it is NOT three a.m.

Mike: Oh Heather.

Heather: While you are arguing with me, the spider has probably weaved a cocoon around Annabel, and is slowly dragging her back to the web.

Mike: Seriously? Annabel is right here next to me.

Heather: I’m all itchy. And my mouth tastes weird. I think I’m foaming at the mouth. The spider probably bit me!

Mike: Goodnight Heather.

Heather: ……

Mike: Why is the TV suddenly so loud?

Heather: The spider turned it up. I can’t control the beast. If the volume bothers you so much, you should probably kill the spider.

Mike: Can’t you just get the vacuum?

Heather: Vacuum? Are you kidding? Then every time I use it I’ll be afraid that the spider will crawl out of the dust thing and bite me.

Mike: Well, lucky for you, you never use the vacuum, so this won’t be a problem.

Heather: You realize I will not let you sleep until you kill the spider right?

Mike: FIIIIINE. Hand me that magazine.

Heather: That’s my Us Weekly! I haven’t even finished “Celebrities: They’re Just Like Us!” Use your Sports Illustrated or something.

Mike: You want me to use MY magazine to kill YOUR spider?

Heather: I don’t own the spider. I didn’t name it. …I could name it, though.


Heather: Yay! You are awesome. It’s in the bathroom by the sink.

Mike, a minute later: Heather. Your spider is FAKE EYELASHES. Are you kidding me? Why do you even have those? I can’t believe I got out of bed for this!

Heather: I thought it might have been. But it could have been a spider, I can’t take chances, I’m a mother. You didn’t throw them away, did you?!

Mike: You’re a mother alright.

Heather: What’s THAT supposed to mean?!

Mike: zzzzzzz