Heather: Mike. MIKE! Wake up! I just saw what I am pretty sure is a spider.
Mike: I’m pretty sure I’m sleeping.
Heather: Are you kidding me? It could be a brown recluse! Or a black widow!
Mike: What are those?
Heather: Um, only the two grossest, most poisonous spiders that I know the names of.
Mike: It’s not one of those, it’s Charlotte from Charlotte’s web. Go to sleep.
Heather: Well, this Charlotte spun a web that said, “Imma kill you in your sleep.” What are you gonna do about it?!?!?!
Mike: I will deal with it…first thing in the morning. I promise.
Heather: There will BE no first thing in the morning!!! Did you not hear about the kill us in our sleep part?!
Mike: Heather, what time is it?
Heather: I can tell you that it is NOT three a.m.
Mike: Oh Heather.
Heather: While you are arguing with me, the spider has probably weaved a cocoon around Annabel, and is slowly dragging her back to the web.
Mike: Seriously? Annabel is right here next to me.
Heather: I’m all itchy. And my mouth tastes weird. I think I’m foaming at the mouth. The spider probably bit me!
Mike: Goodnight Heather.
Mike: Why is the TV suddenly so loud?
Heather: The spider turned it up. I can’t control the beast. If the volume bothers you so much, you should probably kill the spider.
Mike: Can’t you just get the vacuum?
Heather: Vacuum? Are you kidding? Then every time I use it I’ll be afraid that the spider will crawl out of the dust thing and bite me.
Mike: Well, lucky for you, you never use the vacuum, so this won’t be a problem.
Heather: You realize I will not let you sleep until you kill the spider right?
Mike: FIIIIINE. Hand me that magazine.
Heather: That’s my Us Weekly! I haven’t even finished “Celebrities: They’re Just Like Us!” Use your Sports Illustrated or something.
Mike: You want me to use MY magazine to kill YOUR spider?
Heather: I don’t own the spider. I didn’t name it. …I could name it, though.
Mike: GAH FINE I WILL KILL IT WITH MY HANDS OR WHATEVER JUST LET ME SLEEP!
Heather: Yay! You are awesome. It’s in the bathroom by the sink.
Mike, a minute later: Heather. Your spider is FAKE EYELASHES. Are you kidding me? Why do you even have those? I can’t believe I got out of bed for this!
Heather: I thought it might have been. But it could have been a spider, I can’t take chances, I’m a mother. You didn’t throw them away, did you?!
Mike: You’re a mother alright.
Heather: What’s THAT supposed to mean?!