The night of our first full day in Arizona, we had reservations at a very popular steakhouse. It’s the kind of place that books up a month in advance, and the dress is nice. So, ya know, Mike and I have to make sure our clothes don’t have stains or holes, and all the words on our shirts are spelled correctly. The food is amazing, we look forward to it every year.
It was DEFINITELY different going with three kids. My nephews are four and two and can’t be restrained. Come ON, you know what I mean. Maddie can be tied into a high chair. Barely. The boys can’t. That’s all I’m saying, baby advocates.
Going into dinner I was certain my nephews would embarrass me (or Mike). Instead, I ended up embarrassing myself. In the bathroom.
This place easily holds 400 diners. I’m not good at math, but I figure that comes out to at least, what, 2,000 female patrons? Exactly. So you’d think they’d have a fair amount of stalls in the bathroom. But, shockingly, they only have two. TWO STALLS in a fancy STEAKHOUSE. After being at dinner for about 90 minutes, I needed to visit these stalls. I was SHOCKED when I walked into the bathroom and no one was in line. In my seven years of going to this restaurant, I have never just walked into the bathroom. The only stall that was open was the handicapped stall. Since I was the only one in line, I went in.
I did my thing (JUST LIQUID, and I’m sorry, but that is important), and while I was finishing up, I heard a mass of women enter the bathroom. I picked up the pace, buttoning my jeans as I heard the toilet flush behind me. I was tightening my belt when I heard,
I thought, “that couldn’t be what I think it is. It must be the other toilet. I will continue to buckle my belt until I have it just so.”
But then I felt splashes on my sandaled feet. So I turned. And I freaked.
Because my toilet was overflowing. I flashed back to when I lived in New York, and my toilet couldn’t handle more than four pieces of toilet paper. Whenever I had to put…more…in the toilet, I either had to go to work, or to the Barnes and Noble up the street. Otherwise, It was overflow city. Just like what was happening at the most popular steakhouse in Arizona…with a mass of woman on the other side of the stall door. Except this time I had barely put four sheets of paper in the toilet. This time, the toilet was being a fickle JERK.
There was only one thing I could do. I pulled up my pants so they weren’t in the splash zone. I took a deep breath, then I opened the stall door, and walked out. I looked at the woman at the front of the line and said,
“There is something wrong with that toilet. There has been something wrong with it for a while, but no one told me before I went in.”
The woman looked at me and said, “ok,” but her crazy jerk bizzotch friend said, “don’t make up LIES! We all know what it takes to clog a toilet!!!”
I was somewhat taken aback by her forwardness. “Yes,” I said, “I know as well. And I know I didn’t do that. I just flushed the toilet. Not like I need to explain myself!”
I put my hands up in the universal symbol for, “Mess with me and I will rub my unwashed hands on your face!!!” and I went to the sink. I washed as I heard her friend say, “EW! There’s, like, ohmigah, WATER and PAPER all over my stall!!!!”
Notice she didn’t say poop. BECAUSE THERE WASN’T ANY.
As I dried my hands, the rude girl said, “Someone go tell the manager that gross girl clogged the toilet. She should have to pay for the fire department.”
I couldn’t resist and started laughing. “Fire department?! I don’t know where you live, but in real life, we call plumbers. Go ahead and tell the manager! Save me the trouble.”
I walked out and I could hear the lame girls snickering as I left. But all I could think was, “They called me a girl! Not fat! Not old! I AM A WINNER!”
Best clogged toilet ever!
Oh how I love you.
perksofbeingmes last blog post..Nut allergy friendly food
Ms. Moon says:
It’s the little things, isn’t it?
I love that you found the good in that situation – you crack me up!
Jens last blog post..Random Tuesday…the food edition
That was funny! Loved the end. Look at you raising 2300 bucks- go you!
mayas last blog post..So many thoughts…
Freakin’ hell, the adventures gross girls have. I wonder what old, fat gross girls do for fun?
patoiss last blog post..Wordy Wednesday #52: Sir, Yes, Sir!
I can’t believe all the rude people you run into!
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Jen in Maryland says:
Hysterical!! Though you seem to attract rude people. What is it about you that makes people say that kind of shit?
Daddy Dan says:
Come on, Heather! I suspect you dropped off some kids at the pool!
how funny. i can’t even imagine someone talking to me the way they talked to you. i never get in those types of situations. seriously. i know there are rude people out there, but for some reason i have managed to steer clear of them. maybe they don’t live in texas. hm…must ponder this!
You are too funny. Too bad you didn’t poop, that would’ve given her something to call gross or something to get on her shoes I know that was icky but she deserves some poop on her shoes for being a biatch.
Too bad they didn’t slip in the gross water. I really don’t get people.
Amys last blog post..
i can’t believe they called you gross.
Dude, i so wanted her to have called the fire department. Too freaking funny.
It’s takes all types of people to make up this world….even asshats.
Love it Heather!!!!! Count me as another who is shocked by the people you run in too, what is UP with people?!? I was coming unglued reading your post when she called you a “gross girl”, I would’ve wanted to slap that obnoxious little snit! Glad you reacted the way you did!!!
You run into the meanest people I know. I’d cut that hooker.
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
seriously, the fire department?
Domestic Extraordinaires last blog post..Wordless Wednesday-Spring has sprung
Becky Mochaface says:
Only a small handful of people in this world can take the embarrassment of a clogged public toilet with a mass of witnesses and turn into positive reinforcement. Impressive!
Becky Mochafaces last blog post..Hump Day Humor: Dignified
There are always going to be bullies (unfortunately) and you found them this time in a women’s bathroom. Not all rude people are bullies but these young girls were. Probably best to just ignore them. They get their fuel from responses. When you just walk away it deflates them. As for the other episodes you have described such as the bathing suit incident, it happens to the best of us. You just write about it.
They’re just jealous because you made such a kickass exit out of the flooded stall.
My friend, who is back in the Netherlands trying for a greencard, said that she forgot what it was like to go the bathroom over there. Apparently the toilets have “shelves” and your “solids” don’t go straight down. Uhm, yuck.
preTzels last blog post..Florida Fotos!
P.S. Thank you *so* much for the kickass guest blog post. I did respond to you.
preTzels last blog post..Florida Fotos!
Why does the general public seem to be so rude to you (Target)? You seem like such a nice GIRL!
Peggys last blog post..Now That’s Just Obnoxious…
Joe @ Irrational Dad says:
What is this, Back to the Future? To be continued???? The story couldn’t have ended there. Did managers and plungers go rushing in. Did girls run out holding their heels? Was there a barf-o-rama????
Joe @ Irrational Dads last blog post..Wordless Wednesday v. Feet
Congratulations on moving up on the “burn/ridicule” list. Next step: people will be singing your praises, giving you the double-thumbs-up, and patting you on the back. EXCELLENT.
Sarahs last blog post..It’s Never To Early
I am dying.
I adore you. You handled that beautifully
Well, I’m really glad we were able to replace our guest bath toilet before you had a chance to come over and ruin it. We were CONSTANTLY plunging that damn thing.
I can ONLY imagine the havoc you would have wrought.
AMomTwoBoyss last blog post..SCARECROWS
I seriously cannot stand rude bitches. Good for you! It happened to me once… at work.. and not just liquid. Seriously. And some guy had to come turn the toilet off because I was so freaked and lost my mind on how to do it myself. So he had to go get down there back behind the toilet I had just used, all down there in my business. THAT was mortifying. And you are young and lovely.
LOL…..you told them! yeah for you!!
ninas last blog post..Tonight’s the night……..
Wow. The audacity of some people!
Glad you were able to laugh about it in the end. I would have never even offered up an explanation, because had they walked in first they would have experienced the same.
Ump. some people!
tishs last blog post..My My My How You’ve Grown