Over the course of the last ten days I spent five in New Orleans and five in Los Angeles with my toddler. I know you’re thinking, “Heather, you’re a mom now and you’re like, super old. How could you possibly survive in a party town like New Orleans?”

Well, let me tell you friends. It was easy, because hanging with a toddler is exactly like being around drunk people. Don’t believe me? Take a look at some of the things I’ve witnessed over the last ten days and ask yourself:

Was it a drunkard or Annie who…

– staggered down the street, screaming and belligerent?
– lifted her shirt, exposing her chest?
– vomited unexpectedly?
– threw a fit when her bottle was empty?
– started dancing at the first hint of music (even when no one else could hear it)?
– babbled incoherently for hours at a time?
– fell five times in one minute?
– spilled dinner all over her clothes?
– stayed up all night?
– broke into tears for no reason?
– suddenly laid down on the ground and fell asleep?
– got picked up by older men?

If you answered “drunkard” to all of those questions, you are right! And if you answered “Annie” to all of those questions, you are also right! And if you answered with the hidden secret third option of “Heather” you are right for several of the questions. But only I know which ones!

Don’t worry dad, it wasn’t question two. I totally had a bra on.