Yesterday, I said James is the greatest, and that’s definitely true. I’ve been so lucky in the baby department, all my kids are awesome. But real talk: he is crap in the overnight sleep department. He had a glorious stretch a couple of months ago where he slept through the night, but clearly that was a fluke. I am reaching my breaking point here.
It’s totally my fault. When he started waking during the night after his all-night sleep sessions, I made a rookie mistake and started feeding him. I told myself he was teething and needed the comfort. But he didn’t need the food, and now I’ve basically trained him to expect food in the middle of the night and UGH.
So, now I’m starting with the sleep training all over again. Two factors make this much more difficult than it ever was in the past with the girls. The first is when I was sleep training the girls, I didn’t have to worry about either of them waking up another sibling. If James wakes up Annabel, it is over. The second is for some reason, he hates his crib at night. He sleeps in his crib with no problems whatsoever during the day, but the moment his head hits the pillow when the sun is down he flips out (flipping out for James is, you know, whining a little and making perturbed noises). I can’t figure it out.
In the meantime, no one is sleeping well (except Annabel, thank goodness). I’m sure we went through this same thing when she was his age, but I have effectively blocked it out. I don’t want him to cry it out – considering he never sobs, it would destroy me to let him get to that point. But he does still cry if I don’t eventually feed him, even if I’m patting his back or physically rocking him. Sometimes I will go into his room six or seven times to comfort him over a two-hour stretch, and I finally give in and feed him because I am. so. tired.
I guess I’m going to try weaning him…letting him eat for shorter periods of time until he remembers that he weighs almost nineteen pounds and won’t starve if he goes eight hours without eating. I mean, this kid slept better when he was a newborn. I’ve created a monster! A freaking adorable, sleep-sucking monster.
Sleeeeeep. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Heather says:
Oh, Heather. I am going through the same thing with my ELEVEN month old. I’m terrified he’ll wake up his sister, and consequently, he’s a real terror in the sleep department. So, I have no real advice, but I’m chock full of empathy. Let me know if you figure out a solution because we’re like zombies over here!
Lisa says:
Nosy Parker here…but I think he really is hungry. Wouldn’t it be easier (and less disruptive) to just feed him the first time he wakes up?
Jessika says:
I was thinking the same thing too. Those little tummies are small and breastmilk is digested pretty fast.
Sue says:
Do you think feeding him right before he goes to bed (and getting his tummy full) would help, Heather?
Angie says:
I’ve got to agree with Lisa- if he doesn’t settle until fed, he’s probably truly hungry. Nighttime weaning is not recommended before one, plus weaning him doesn’t mean he’ll sleep any better. Glad to hear you don’t want to let James CIO, I have a 9 month old who has been a terrible sleeper and I just keep reminding myself it won’t last forever!
Kim says:
If you’re sure he’s truly not hungry and is just eating to eat I would start watering down the nighttime bottle. Adding more and more water until it’s just water. Hopefully, by that point, it will have lost it’s attraction along the way and he’ll stop waking for it.
Damita H says:
I could be wrong, but I think she’s breast feeding him.
Anna says:
Hi Heather!!!
I wouldn’t stress about it to much. I know, way easier said than done. I’m the last person to give advice because I’m laying in bed with my three year old boy. Ugh!!!! Does Annie have a sound machine? My daughter was Annabel’s age when my son was a baby and we just put white noise on in her room so she wouldn’t hear Hank crying at night. Good luck. Interrupted sleep is so hard.
Katie says:
No advice here, just sympathy. As adorable as these monsters are they are soooooo much more fun when you’ve gotten a full nights sleep.
My 11 month old is the opposite of James. He sleeps in his crib like a champ at night, but REFUSES his crib during the day. He’s convinced himself that he can only sleep in my arms during daylight. Sigh.
It gets better, right?
Angie says:
I sympathize. When my son was a baby and I was feeling the same as you in terms of hearing him sob and feeling destroyed, someone told me this: “He might cry for a couple nights, maybe even longer. You will remember this and he will not. Think of it as giving him (and yourself) the gift of restful sleep going forward in exchange for some tears.” I never did full-on sleep training where he would cry for hours….but a few minutes, yes. I think I cried more than he did, but now he is a champion sleeper. I get your worries about Annie waking up. I only have one kiddo but frequently think about how different it will be with two someday. I agree with the white noise machine suggestion!
Terri says:
He’s just sooooo cute! Our daughter was a night eater too. She’s the only one though so we’ve never had that issue of waking someone else up. Before she goes to bed she drinks a big glass of warm milk to this day (she’s 5)and thankfully sleeps all night. However it’s right in the middle of our bed and she kicks HARD. I’m going to have to do some sleep training myself, have just been putting it off.
Courtney says:
Been there! And recently. I was nursing E back to sleep (I didn’t try to hold out b/c I’m lazy) but she would keep waking back up every 2-3 hours to eat again and it was the only way she’d go back to sleep and it was driving me CRAZY. We ended up sleep training when she was 9 months, which sucked terribly. But like you said, I knew she was a big girl and could go longer without eating (and had! at a younger age!) so I knew she wouldn’t starve.
And, I made my husband go in and do all the comforting (we Ferberized) since a) I figured she’d be mad if I didn’t nurse and b) I’m a wuss. There was crying (she’s not a cryer either, so it was so sad). But now she sleeps 11 hours at a stretch! And she never remembered it in the morning. You know he can do it, you just have to nudge him in the right direction.
Michelle says:
We went through the same thing. He was sleeping through the night, started teething and started waking up. I also fed him to get him back to sleep. I also felt guilty about training him to wake up for food. But I kept feeding him anyway. It was just so much easier to get some sleep. And you know what? He on his own abruptly started sleeping through the night again. No crying it out. So I wouldn’t worry about it. Just do what feels right/works for you.
Marilyn says:
My thoughts-what time does he go down first? if early ie around 7 or 8–try feeding him again around 10 or 11. after that— let him cry.. truly. I know its hard, but in a few days they will sleep. does he nap twice during day? Try only having him nap once. Mine did that and then would go to sleep from 7 to 7. This meant my husband didn’t see them awake at night, but my sanity was worth it. I was also the mom that when we would be driving to school t pick up elder sis- the carpools job was to keep my toddler son awake in the car cause a 15 minute car nap meant HOURS up at night. The poor guy was tortured daily.Mine our now 15 and 11 and survived the trauma hang in there!
Michelle says:
It may not be ideal considering Mike works outside the house, but consider having Mike be the one to get up with him in the middle of the night. That way you’re eliminating the issue of “mommy gets up with me and mommy has the food, therefore I get fed.”
Also, by eventually giving in, you’re teaching him that even if he continues to fuss, he’ll still get fed even if he really isn’t hungry.
Sarah says:
That was going to be my suggestion too. My girls wouldn’t let me leave the room without being fed. When we had enough and wanted the whole family sleeping through the night, I sent dad in. He wasn’t thrilled…but it took getting up twice a night for 3 nights and both girls were back to sleeping all night!
Maureen says:
Went through the exact same thing with both of my kids. My son is 3 1/2, my daughter is 19 months. For us, the issue seemed to be related to teething. While they both loved their pacifiers, it was nursing or the bottle that helped them get back to sleep during this time. Once those pearly whites were fully visible they went back to sleeping through the night with no “help” from me. I felt horribly guilty when it happened with my son. I decided to give it a little time since I could not handle letting him cry it out. Once he got a break from teething he went back to sleeping through the night again. Knowing that, I didn’t sweat it when it happened with my daughter. Thankfully, she was the same way. I feel your pain. Good luck!
Lisa says:
Hi Heather,
You are such a trooper. I wouldn’t want to let sweet little Jamesie cry, either! I know this is just more unsolicited advice, but I SO SO SO recommend you visit this site. An RN/sleep consultant friend of mine (Meghan Casano) holds free weekly infant/toddler sleep webinars. She is awesome – she has 4 girls under 7 and is all about compassionate sleep support.
http://www.isisparenting.com/page/webinarssleep
I know you probably feel way too tired to go through the list, so I looked and thought there are a couple that might be especially good:
July 2, 2013 Sleep Regressions
Sept 25, 2012 Gently Reducing Night Feedings
I cannot tell you how awesome these webinars are… Meg has taught me SO MUCH. Sleep is so good at my house now.
Wishing you luck!! It is so awful to not get sleep!
Lisa
Jen says:
Lisa-
What is your friend Meghan doing now that ISIS closed? I am in desperate need of her expertise with my toddler. Any information you can provide if she is doing work somewhere else now would be great.
The webinars she hosted when my daughter was an infant changed our life … Need her again.
Jen
Meghan says:
Well…since I was breastfeeding and working outside the house, I couldn’t handle any significant loss of sleep. I just fed both of my boys in the middle of the night and we all went back to sleep. Sleeping all through the night didn’t happen until around a year, but there was no trauma involved and it just happened on its own. I say do whatever works best for you!
Mindy says:
I’ve heard of giving kids a bottle of water instead of milk at night when they don’t need to eat and just want to for comfort. Never done it though–but might be worth if for you guys.
Hang in there!
Mindy
Annalisa says:
We did that with the toddler and a suction Sippy (free flow cups/sippies and nighttime are a no no per our pediatric dentist). It did help, except for her becoming fixated about having a sippy in bed, and if it ever fell from her hands, she’d wake up crying until someone would search for it on the floor, and then pat her back to sleep.
Karen says:
I was thinking “growth spurt” and wondered if he does need that night feeding or maybe some more cereal before bed…
We had had a terrible sleeper here in our nearly 3 year-old. He cries until he makes himself sick if he is not in our bed.
We are trying every trick in the book…
Annalisa says:
Suggestions: designate a special toy or stuffed animal as a ‘night guardian’ and tell your LO that it will keep him safe through the night. We did that with our daughters during a period of night terrors last year (fun times!), and it helped break needing to come sleep in our bed (she was 2, and kicked in her sleep, and once I was pregnant again it just wasn’t a good combo).
Let him pick his own bedding. We did that once we switched to a twin bed from the crib. The daughter was reluctant to switch, but it was high time to. I took her to buy her own bedding (a yellow comforter that clashes with everything in her room), and told her it was for her big girl bed and she couldn’t have it otherwise. That night she couldn’t wait to get into her big bed, and we didn’t hear a peep all night.
Maggie says:
I am sure you are going to get a lot of different adivce on this topic and I can’t help but add to the conversation. My first baby started sleeping through the night on her own. We did all we could to help the process but never had to do any formal sleep training. I kept hoping it would go the same with my second….but it didn’t. When my daughter reached 7 months old, I knew we had to do something to help the sleep situation but I kept putting it off. She is a mama’s girl and a happy baby so I felt horrible making her cry at night and couldn’t. However, my breaking point was when we went to visit family and she couldn’t sleep longer than a half hour there at all. I ended up holding her through the night so she could sleep. As soon as we got home from that trip, we started sleep training. She cried for a half hour before bed for about a week and then it lessened and lessened. Also from that point on she was only waking once a night to eat. I was breastfeeding and she didn’t start sleeping through the night entirely until 10 months or so when we started supplementing her with a bottle before bed. If you are thinking about crying it out, don’t be too afraid to do it. It was the best decision we made for us and our daughter. Their love and attachment doesn’t change one bit and it helps them develop healthy sleep habits.
Meg says:
I have mostly just given up and given in to feeding him, since (usually) he instantly goes back to sleep. Because first it was teeth, then crawling, then sick, now trying to stand, and cutting some more teeth… so I guess I will night wean when he starts college?
Missy says:
TOTALLY there with you!
Missy says:
My little one slept great till she was 4 months old, then everything flipped on it’s head. Some nights she’s up every hour, some nights she sleeps for 4-5 hour stretches. I can’t do the crying it out thing. She sleeps in our bedroom (in her crib) and I can’t lay there with her 3 feet away STANDING in her crib looking at me and crying her head off, plus my hubby gets shitty when she wakes him up in the middle of the night. But with her it’s not always wanting to eat, so much as just wanting to be held. But there’s no laying her back down and patting her back, cuz she WON’T LAY DOWN. So I always end up picking her up. I should know better, cuz I created the same problems with my other 2, but they would only wake once MAYBE 2 times a night. She is WAY worse! Some nights she’s up 4 or more times. And it always seems like there’s some “excuse” I can give for it. She’s working on a tooth, she’s not feeling good/sick… etc. At this point, I’m pretty much used to it, and try to nap with her during the day on occasion. Other than that, I’m just gonna roll with it, I figure she’s got to outgrow it eventually, right?
Lea says:
My 16 month old is a truly crappy sleeper, and I am so tired! I sleep trained him at 10 months, and it was a hard fought battle…and then just as I felt like progress was finally being made in small increments, he started teething like crazy and amped up the amount of crying and dug his heels in on sleeping for any decent amount of time. And I’m not a total monster, so I had to give in. And it’s been up and down ever since (let’s be honest, it’s been really down). The boy nurses the night away. He’s my third and last, so I just remind myself that it won’t last forever, and one of these days, I’ll get back on the weaning/sleep training horse. James is still so little – hang in there!
Sarah says:
Same here!!!! I created a sweet non-sleeping monster! Ross is six months old and he 1) hates his crib and 2) wants to nurse several times at night! Similar to you, he has an older sibling that we do NOT want to wake up!!! Haha it’s been interesting for sure. Let me know if you figure out a magic trick!
Karen says:
1) does he need a night light? Is it because its dark that he frets when he wakes?
2) You shared a bed with both your girls, have you tried this with James when he wakes and you can feed him at the same time? I had 2 nightmare sleepers and found I dozed and they fed quite happily in our bed, on our sides (face to b**b), with my arm round them (just in case they rolled and tried to fall out!).
I must admit breaking them from night feeding was a hard thing following this BUT it would give you time to ‘plan’ when to re-introduce sleeping properly, with Mike on holiday so he can get up and be with James instead of (nice milk smelling) Mummy. And you would get some sleep!
3) When you do break his night feeding do it with a bottle of milk from Mike, gradually reducing the amount of milk until there’s barely anything, then change to a soother. It sadly needs to be Mike as you will just smell to yummy and he will dig his heels in wanting you instead of what’s offered. This is especially the case if you will still be feeding during the day.
Annalisa says:
I can offer zero advice on this. My 3 year old slept with mommy until she was 1, and woke twice a night to feed until then. She hated the crib at birth, and I folded two weeks in. With my second, he had two days (!!!!) where he slept from 11 to 5, and it was glorious. He now wakes up hourly to feed (he’s in an arm’s reach, but hates it there, and always ends up in my bed by morning). I’ll tell you what the pediatrician told me: they go through stages where they need the extra food at night. Yes, even at 19 lbs. (aforementioned daughter was 20 pounds by 6 months, and nearly 25 by the time we night weaned). This too shall pass.
Totally agree about sending in Mike. That’s what we had to do once we got my daughter in the crib and planned to night wean. Hubby hated it, because he hardly had to wake up in the middle of the night before, but there truly isn’t any other way.
Paula says:
If James is going through a growth spurt his hunger might be real. I would feed him and let both of you get the rest.
Emma says:
The Baby Whisperer. Worked for both my boys like a dream. It’s more about what happens ALL day, not just the night. Good luck!
Katie says:
I night-weaned my daughter at 6 months and never looked back. It was glorious to sleep all night almost all nights after that. I have to disagree with those who said that he “needs” to eat at night and he must be “hungry.” None of the sleep training professionals say that (except for the attachment parenting types, but then they don’t sleep much for 1-2 years, so I disregard most of what they say). You can do it (if you want to and are VERY consistent about it — that’s the key to all things parenting, right?) and you can sleep again, or you can keep feeding him at night and sleep again “someday.” The older he gets the harder it gets to stop these ingrained habits. Good luck!
Katie says:
Oh yeah, I second what the above commenter said about the Baby Whisperer. Some of what she says is bogus, like any advice-giver, but I really appreciated her pick-up/put-down method of sleep training; it worked well for us, as well as having a consistent routine during the day and a consistent bedtime routine.