Last week my friend Tara called me to tell me about a little problem she was having. Her almost-three year old son Georgie was using a pacifier still and she wanted him to stop. He was only supposed to use it during naps and bedtime, but he’d started waking Tara up at night when he couldn’t find his pacifier. He’d also snagged his two month old baby sister’s pacifier a few times. Tara decided it was time for the middle of the night wake up calls and baby paci thievery to stop. Georgie needed to be done with his pacifier. She created a plan, and she needed my help: I was to be the Pacifier Fairy.
First, Tara told Georgie that since he was now a big boy, the Pacifier Fairy was coming to take his pacifiers to give to babies in need. But, because the Pacifier Fairy is not a total tool, she would leave him a small trinket in exchange. Tara then took Georgie to the maaaaaagical land of Target, and told him to pick out a toy, and that the Pacifier Fairy would come back later to buy it (what, the PF doesn’t have a workforce of elves like Santa).
Then, it was my part of the shenanigan. I was to call Georgie and let him know that it was the big day – the day he would transition from a baby into a big boy. I prepared for hours. I practiced different voices and inflections, settling on one that sounded exactly like Mary Poppins. I spoke to Annie in the Pacifier Fairy voice and she laughed and clapped. I spoke to Mike in the voice, and he said, “Stop it. You sound like a drunk Mrs. Doubtfire.” Perfect!
I assumed proper Pacifier Fairy posture (head high, wings back, hand ready to pluck up discarded pacies), and rang up Georgie:
Pacifier Fairy: Helloooooo! Is this Geoooooorrrrgie?
Pacifier Fairy: Geeeeoooorrrrgie, this is the Pacifier Fairy! I am coming to your house tonight!
Pacifier Fairy: Tonight I am coming and taking your pacifiers and giving them to babies! Because you’re not a baby, right Geeeeoooooorrrrrgie?
Pacifier Fairy: Because you’re a big boy, right? Aren’t you a big big boy now Geeeooooorrrrgie?
Mike, muttering behind me: This sounds really creepy, Heather.
Georgie: Yes! Big Boy!
Pacifier Fairy: EXXXXXCELLENT! So leave your pacifiers out for me, and if you sleep all night without waking up your parents, you’ll get your toy. But remember, you can’t wake them up or get out of bed or you won’t get a toy! DON’T GET OUT OF BED! NO NO NO!
Mike: I’m pretty sure Tara didn’t tell you to say that. What if there’s a fire?
Pacifier Fairy: Because if you get out of bed, I’ll see you, and I’ll take the toy back! I’ll be watching you aaaaaallllllllllll night.
Mike: HEATHER! Tara specifically told you not to be scary!
Pacifier Fairy: Okay then, be a good big boy and let me talk to your mama. Sweet dreams, Geeeeoooorgie!
I started to congratulate myself on a job well done. Then Tara said, “Hi Pacifier Fairy! Georgie’s older sister Reilly wants to talk to you.”
Reilly: HI PACIFIER FAIRY!!!
Pacifier Fairy: Uh, well hellooooo Reilllly!
Reilly: I also have a baby sister named Molly!
Pacifier Fairy: Yes, you do! The Pacifier Fairy sees aaaallllllll.
Reilly: What’s your name?
Pacifier Fairy: Well my name is Pacifier Fairy!
Reilly: But what’s your NAME? Fairies have real names!
Pacifier Fairy: Uh. Pacifier Fairy IS my name! But my friends call me Patti.
Reilly: OK. See you later Patti!
It was the greatest performance of my life.
Tara reported that Georgie slept soundly in bed all night, although Reilly got up several times to see if the Pacifier Fairy had arrived yet. Clearly Tara needs me to tell Reilly that after a certain hour, the floor turns into lava and you can’t get out of bed lest you get burned. Also there are monsters under the bed.
Unfortunately for Tara, she won’t be able to return the favor any time soon, as Annie stopped using her binky months ago.
I think I should go into the Pacifier Fairy business.
EXXXCELLLENTTTT.. that part had me cracking UP (quietly, being my children and husband are asleep). I love this. It really is a good idea, a gentle way of helping them rid of a habit that can cause issues.
We did something similar with bottles and pacis. We told the kids that babies needed them and they were too old to use them now. They happily went along with this, thank heavens..
Heather,,,,,,,,you are absolutely hilarious!!!!!
I’ll give your card to my cousin. I am pretty sure she would leave Lindt truffles and a pina colada out for the Pacifier Fairy
On second thought, a jar of peanut butter I heard Pacifier Fairies have a special affinity for peanut butter.
B in Oz says:
That was hilarious, I would really like to have seen/heard that call for our Friday movie.
You are too funny and I love Mikes background ‘support’.
You have such an amazing family.
That is all kinds of awesome. Loved it. I’m glad the Pacifier Fairy was a success.
My friend used the Pacifier Fairy technique with her daughter. I am still haunted by the child’s quiet question later that week: “Is there a Mommy and Daddy Fairy?”
This just made my morning! Annie has one funny mommy!
The Pacifier Fairy came to our house a couple of months ago. Now she sucks her thumb. Any chance the Thumb Fairy can call and tell her something appropriately horrifying so she doesn’t suck it anymore?
WOW! This sounds WAY better than how my mom got me off the pacifier. At first, she would put mud or hot sauce on it but I would rinse it off and pop it back in my mouth. Then, UGH, she crushed a roach, A ROACH, on it and tried to tempt me with it. NEVER TOUCHED IT AGAIN.
HAHAHAHAHA! That is the best thing ever!!! I am totally gonna use it!! Nice job pacifier fairy!!
I was really ready to demand pics of you in the Patti costume.
Maybe Tara could be the Big Girl Panty Fairy when it comes time to potty train!
My brother’s almost four year old (eep!) was still sleeping with a binky, and this past week they tied it to balloons and had a grand send-off to BinkyLand. They refurbish it and give it to younger, broker babies, kinda like the Mac store does.
It was poignant and all, but dang. We shoulda had a fairy.
Wicked SteppMom says:
My daughter, at age 3, absolutely did NOT want to give up her “plug” (pacifier) & I really wanted her to give it up before her new baby brother arrived in a few months so she wouldn’t snatch any of his. She loved fairies, so I tried telling her that if we left her last 3 plugs on the windowsill one night, the Pacifier Fairy would come in and take them, and leave her a present in their place. She went B-S-CRAZY!!! Absolute hysterics-“I don’t want someone sneaking into my room at night to take things!! That’s not good & right!!” Needless to say, she got to keep the plugs for a few more weeks before we approached the subject again. By this time, we were down to the last 1. I told her that if we planted the last one in special magic dirt in a flower pot I had, it would grow into a flower-she was all about that idea! I just made sure I’d planted a sunflower seed in an identical pot about a week before & then swapped them under her bedroom window 2 days after she planted her plug so she could see her magic plug flower starting to grow!
That is hilarious! We used leprechauns. I took my daughters on a pot o’ gold hunt last St. Patrick’s Day. I told my binkie princess that she had better watch her binkie, because leprechauns love to steal them and leave pieces of gold. Not a good idea on my part. It was glued to her. Eventually the hunt lead us to the local park where she “dropped” her binkie on the ground near the swings. I grabbed it as fast as I could. Later that afternoon, the leprechaun left her a note saying thank you for the binkie. He was going to give it to a new baby. For being such a big girl, he left her a little bag of chocolate gold coins. She never looked back.
You totally need to turn that into a business. People all over the country would hire you. In fact, I have a friend who is currently trying to get her daughter to give up her paci, she’s 2.5 years old. I’m going to have to tell her about the pacifier fairy idea.
You should DEFINITELY do Patti the Fairy for hire!!! I would’ve paid you to call my daughter when we did the Paci Fairy!!! : )
Laugh out loud funny, Heather. Heehee!!
I agree! Especially where you live!
That is hilarious. I might need your services in a year or two, but right now I need a Pacifier Fairy to show my 4 month old how to put the paci back in herself, or a Thumb Fairy to let her know that sucking her thumb is amazing for going to sleep (and staying asleep). I have two other kids who are thumbsuckers and despite the fact they have found it hard to break the habit, I love how we made it through their first years without any kind of sleep regression because they had the thumb. Maybe I just need a Sleep Fairy to stop by our house – does Patti have a second job?
This is hilarious- I also love all the different ideas in the comments! Fairies, balloons, flower pots, leprechauns… I never would have imagined it took so much magic to make some kids give up their pacifier!
That is so funny. We tried that with my son and he would have no party of it, he didn’t care if they were going to other babies that needed them. So what we did is hung them by strings on a tree outside and told him the baby squirrels needed them, then my husband went and took them down and hung candy in their place. He never asked for them again, and he still will mention how he gave his nuks to the baby squirrels.
Oh goodness, you had me coughing up Diet Coke at my desk! Love that Reilly had to get on the phone, too. So funny! Awesome job!
LMAO! We are having a odd winter storm here in Texas and there is 5 inches of snow on the ground so EVERYONE is supposed to be sleeping in here at our house. I sure hope I didn’t wake anyone up cracking up! Heather can you call my house and be the thumb fairy? Let me know how you plan on getting rid of those thumbs first so I can make sure my husband approves *wink*.
Lauren from AZ says:
Hilarious!! I love the way you tell your stories
I think you may need to call my house. Really. I’ll pay you.
This post made me laugh out loud! You should have cards made up.
Love it, Heather, laughing out loud here. My 3 years old nephew posted all his dummies (as we call them) all the way from New York to my 2 year old daughter here in Luxembourg for her to keep them safe, we’ve kept the parcel to bring out on his 18th birthday.
I love the Pacifier Fairy idea. A family I sit for has a Paci Fairy too…she brought Princess Fairy Dolls in a fairy gift bag in exchange for used pacis a few years ago.
I just laughed out loud. Patti! hahaha
Kristi F says:
I needed the Pacifier Fairy about 17 years ago! Your friend is a genius.
My Aunt and Uncle told my cousin that he had to throw his pacifier out because the garbage man didn’t make enough money to buy one for his baby and so my cousin Corey had to share it with him. It worked, except he felt so bad for the poor baby that everytime the guy came to pick up the garbage he bawled.
Glad it went well, and seriously after the “Drunk Mrs. Doubtfire” comment, I read it in that voice – I laughed…out loud!
Snickrsnack Katie says:
I could totally hear your voice in my head! That is awesome!!!
That is the funniest story I’ve ever heard! Completely hysterical! You are such a good friend. Good Job, Patti. BWAHHHHHHHHHH!!
Great job, Patti the Pacifier Fairy!
The other night I gave our Good Nite Lite voice and told Em that if she didn’t go to sleep, he’d come get her in the middle of the night. Mother of the Year candidate right here!
Um, this is completely hilarious. You should totally start a biz.
THAT was fabulous. I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. Hope it works long term!
And I’m going to use the floor=lava trick for our boys when middle-of-the-night visitations might flare up.
Great entertainment for a Tues AM!
Where were you when the diaper fairy had to home to our house? My husband thought I was nuts, but the diaper fairy took all of Adia’s pull ups & left “big girl undies.” Adia never needed another diaper ever again.
Laugh out loud funny!
Great performance! You’re brilliant.
My solution to kids losing their binky at night when they used them is having like 4 in their bed. Seriously. They were bound to find at least one!
dude! that made my day, HILARIOUS!!!
and also, what a freaken bright idea!
My sister had pillows that she took everywhere. She left hers for Santa to give to other children that needed them.
I can not WAIT to share this information with my sister. She won’t need this for at least a year, so I’ve got plenty of time to perfect my phone voice.
Thank you for making my day. Sitting at my desk at work laughing. You guys are too funny.
this is genius! can you call my 3 year old tonight???
Kristin (MamaKK922) says:
This was hilarious. And I myself LOVE the Lava floor game. It keeps my kids in bed for hours. Of course it’s my oldest daughter that scares the younger ones with the Lava floor. But I think you have a new business ahead of you.
FUNNIEST.POST.EVER! Loved it!!! Thanks for the great laught today!
You may need a Potty Fairy Princess – so Tara should keep a voice handy!
You are the best, Patti!!
Can I hire your services for my daughter??!! She’s 2.5 and they need to GO. The dentist has even said she is started to get a shift to her mouth so it’s time. We’ve been talking about the paci fairy for weeks but actually doing it is another thing altogether.
Clearly I am too credulous … I was waiting for the part where you actually went over to their house at night.
Actually the idea is to put 10 pacifiers in the bed and the kid doesn’t wake up looking for one because there are so many he’s bound to find one on his own. My daughter had a pacifier until she was almost 4 and she just threw them in the trash one day. No toys to buy, no bribes to tell……just gave it up like that !
And, she has perfect teeth! And talks pretty.
Amanda M. says:
I am impressed. And I agree with Mike. I lol’d for three separate reasons.
This is amazing. Two weeks ago I devised the same exact plan to get my 3 year old out of diapers before her 4th birthday. I told her that he diaper fairy was going to come take away all her diapers to give them to little babies who need them….IT WORKED. It FREAKING WORKED. A couple days later her all her diapers disappeared and they have been gone ever since. After nearly two years of potty training, the Diaper Fairy was the only thing that worked.
I feel like the biggest loser for just having my sons throw theirs out in the garbage. Had I thought of the Pacifier Fairy? I’d have saved a bundle on therapy for them later.
Can you please call my house? My 3 yo daughter refuses to give up her pacifier. She says she will, “give it up tomorrow”. Funny how tomorrow never comes. I tried talking about the pacifier fairy but she gave me the side eye. In return I will take you to a show the next time you are in NYC.
I don’t mean to be harsh, but who’s the parent and who’s the child? If you want her to get rid of the pacifiers, tell her she can’t have them any more–using fairies or whatever means you want–and then get rid of them!! If she can call the shots on you when she’s THREE, it does not bode well for her teenage years. Seriously, parents need to be parents, not friends.
How much would you charge to call my 5 year old daughter? (Don’t judge me, please.) An (adult) therapist once told me that with all the scary sh*t in the world, it wasn’t too much to ask to allow a child to maintain a sense of security with a pacifier. Then again, this therapist will not have to pay for braces for my daughter’s significant overbite. I still think it’s better than thumb sucking (which her Dad and I both enjoyed until we were 8 — soulmates, I’m telling you)!
catherine lucas says:
Precious story. In Belgium we give the binkies to Santa Claus or Saint Nicholas. It often works. Nice story Heather…
Brilliantly done, from one fairy to another
Around here, I invented the Pumpkin Fairy for bedtime. Tell your friend to call me if bedtime becomes a problem!
I would seriously consider paying you to call my girls using your “Annie video voice”. They just adore it! You are a great voice talent, I think you should pursue VO jobs!
Love this story! Haha. And I loved this: “Stop it. You sound like a drunk Mrs. Doubtfire.” =D
And, Heather: “WE NEED A PHOTO OF YOU AS THE PACIFIER FAIRY!!!! IT’S A MUST!!!!!!” =P
I’ll send you my phone number! Trying to get my 2-year old twins off the pacifier!
Cathy K. says:
We must be cousins, I’m the “Baby Bottle Fairy,” who came in the night to take all the bottles to babies in need – I also left a toy from Target and spoke in a Mary Poppins-like voice. Worked like a charm. I’ve also been known to mix up special spray bottles of “Monster-B-Gone” (water and a marble for effect – two sprays under the bed is all it takes) for family members in need.
My husband wants to know if the Pacifier Fairy is hot and if so, will she come to visit him in the night? He’d prefer her to wear a red velvet bustier and matching lace-trimmed thong.
Sounds like the role of a lifetime! Too bad there isn’t a thumb fairy for my son… although that’s probably too scary. If you don’t stop sucking your thumb what would the fairy do, cut it off???
OMG, this is probably one of the funniest things I’ve read in a very long time. The tears are rolling! Thank you so much for sharing the story!