Last week my friend Tara called me to tell me about a little problem she was having. Her almost-three year old son Georgie was using a pacifier still and she wanted him to stop. He was only supposed to use it during naps and bedtime, but he’d started waking Tara up at night when he couldn’t find his pacifier. He’d also snagged his two month old baby sister’s pacifier a few times.  Tara decided it was time for the middle of the night wake up calls and baby paci thievery to stop. Georgie needed to be done with his pacifier. She created a plan, and she needed my help: I was to be the Pacifier Fairy.

First, Tara told Georgie that since he was now a big boy, the Pacifier Fairy was coming to take his pacifiers to give to babies in need.  But, because the Pacifier Fairy is not a total tool, she would leave him a small trinket in exchange. Tara then took Georgie to the maaaaaagical land of Target, and told him to pick out a toy, and that the Pacifier Fairy would come back later to buy it (what, the PF doesn’t have a workforce of elves like Santa).

Then, it was my part of the shenanigan. I was to call Georgie and let him know that it was the big day – the day he would transition from a baby into a big boy. I prepared for hours. I practiced different voices and inflections, settling on one that sounded exactly like Mary Poppins. I spoke to Annie in the Pacifier Fairy voice and she laughed and clapped. I spoke to Mike in the voice, and he said, “Stop it. You sound like a drunk Mrs. Doubtfire.” Perfect!

I assumed proper Pacifier Fairy posture (head high, wings back, hand ready to pluck up discarded pacies), and rang up Georgie:

Pacifier Fairy: Helloooooo! Is this Geoooooorrrrgie?
Georgie: Yes.
Pacifier Fairy: Geeeeoooorrrrgie, this is the Pacifier Fairy! I am coming to your house tonight!
Georgie: Wha?
Pacifier Fairy: Tonight I am coming and taking your pacifiers and giving them to babies! Because you’re not a baby, right Geeeeoooooorrrrrgie?
Georgie: Uhhh
Pacifier Fairy: Because you’re a big boy, right? Aren’t you a big big boy now Geeeooooorrrrgie?
Mike, muttering behind me: This sounds really creepy, Heather.
Georgie: Yes! Big Boy!
Pacifier Fairy: EXXXXXCELLENT! So leave your pacifiers out for me, and if you sleep all night without waking up your parents, you’ll get your toy. But remember, you can’t wake them up or get out of bed or you won’t get a toy! DON’T GET OUT OF BED! NO NO NO!
Mike: I’m pretty sure Tara didn’t tell you to say that. What if there’s a fire?
Georgie: Okay!!
Pacifier Fairy: Because if you get out of bed, I’ll see you, and I’ll take the toy back! I’ll be watching you aaaaaallllllllllll night.
Mike: HEATHER! Tara specifically told you not to be scary!
Georgie: Okay!
Pacifier Fairy: Okay then, be a good big boy and let me talk to your mama. Sweet dreams, Geeeeoooorgie!
Georgie: bye

I started to congratulate myself on a job well done. Then Tara said, “Hi Pacifier Fairy! Georgie’s older sister Reilly wants to talk to you.”

Pacifier Fairy: Uh, well hellooooo Reilllly!
Reilly: I also have a baby sister named Molly!
Pacifier Fairy: Yes, you do! The Pacifier Fairy sees aaaallllllll.
Reilly: What’s your name?
Pacifier Fairy: Well my name is Pacifier Fairy!
Reilly: But what’s your NAME? Fairies have real names!
Pacifier Fairy: Uh. Pacifier Fairy IS my name! But my friends call me Patti.
Reilly: OK. See you later Patti!

It was the greatest performance of my life.

Tara reported that Georgie slept soundly in bed all night, although Reilly got up several times to see if the Pacifier Fairy had arrived yet. Clearly Tara needs me to tell Reilly that after a certain hour, the floor turns into lava and you can’t get out of bed lest you get burned. Also there are monsters under the bed.

Unfortunately for Tara, she won’t be able to return the favor any time soon, as Annie stopped using her binky months ago.

I think I should go into the Pacifier Fairy business.