I have written a few times about Annie’s preference for Mike. It has only gotten stronger as she’s grown older. She wants him for everything. EVERY. THING. She wants him to comfort her when she hurts herself, give her food, change her diaper, you name it, she INSISTS that Mike do it for her.
Last week I asked her if she wanted to put on some shoes and go for a walk. She yelled, “YEAH!” and ran into her room. I followed her and discovered that she’d (of course) already picked out her shoes. Instead of handing them to me, she brushed past me and said, “Dada! Put on Annie’s shoes!” He helped her put them on and then we all walked to the door. Mike walked out, then Annie, and as I went to follow her she looked at me and said, “Bye, Mama,” then tried to close the door on me.
Ouch.
It certainly sounds good to have Mike do everything. I mean, he’s off changing diapers and I’m eating bon bons (in my head). But I hate how dismissive she is with me. If I try to do anything she has decided she wants Mike to do, she throws a Toddler Fit.
Sometimes we spend the extra time letting her scream while I dress/bathe/feed/clothe/hug her…you haven’t lived until you’ve basically had to sit on Annie to get a diaper on her. But I hate it. HATE IT. It makes me feel like absolute crap when she’ll, say, throw her favorite food on the ground just because *I* gave it to her. Mike can pick that food up and she’ll say “thank you” and then eat it.
On Friday we went to Dr. Looove’s office for our flu vaccines. Mike was holding Annie when she got her shot, and while she didn’t cry, she was NOT please. I praised her for being brave, and then something remarkable happened: she reached for me! I happily took her into my arms, and once I was holding her she shot Mike a death glare. I’m not going to lie – I was ecstatic. As we walked out of the office, Annie put her head on my shoulder and said, “Love mama.” I was finally the good parent!
Then we got home. Dada dada dada. Annie’s nap in the car erased all memories of Evil Daddy. My brief reign as Preferred Parent had lasted less than an hour, and she’d slept 95% of that time.
Of course, it was pretty great to be the outcast parent later when Annie had vaccine-induced diarrhea. After Mike cleaned her up, I put her pants back on and stood her up.
“Want to come read a book with me, Annie?”
“NO MAMA!” Then she literally pushed me out of the way on her quest to find Mike.
It’s a phase, it’s a phase, when is this phase over?
Lynda M O says:
It’s hard when they get these positions that they determine are non-negotiable. We had one for a while and it made me teary when she’d, as you said, push me out of her way to get to OO. He didn’t believe it but he’s not nearly as observant as I. Went away after about six, maybe seven, weeks. Bout broke my tender heart.
katrina @ They All Call Me Mom says:
I had one who preferred daddy over me when she was a toddler.
Just one.
One out of nine aint’ bad 🙂
Jenn says:
Hi Heather,
You know…I’m not so sure this is a phase at the point rather than a behavioural or even frustration issue on Annie’s part. There are definate ways of finding this out.
I do have some suggestions I could share if you are interested however, it is way too much for me to type out for you. If you are interested, I could call & talk you through some things that may help and the 3 of us can brain storm. I get free long distance any time of the day so, no worries about that. Any ways, if you are interested please e-mail or DM me on Twitter and we’ll set something up.
I know this hurts but this too shall pass!
Good Luck My Friend! xo
MJ says:
My oldest prefers his daddy. So I had another kid, and he prefers me.
It is hard, though, to have a kid who so obviously favors the other parent. I have a theory that the one who prefers his daddy is more like me, and the one who prefers me is more like his daddy, so it’s natural.
But still hard…
Brandy says:
This perfectly describes our scenario. Our daughter is the oldest (currently age 4) and she is just like me, and she has ALWAYS preferred Daddy to Mommy. Our son (age 2), on the other hand, is just like my husband and, while he thinks Daddy is pretty cool, he definitely prefers Mommy.
Bec says:
To me, this goes beyond a child’s “preference” for one parent. This sounds really extreme, like there’s something else going on here. I would honestly talk to your doctor – maybe he could refer you to someone.
J in eire says:
Annie is a very clever little girl.. I think she’s playing you guys.. I think you both just need to figure out how to play her. I know she’s not even two yet, BUT, she must feel like she has the power over your emotions in these situations… Divide and conqueror… All kids do this, exhaustingly we need to stay one step ahead of the game. Most important piece of info I got from my parents growing up -” we only had each other before you came into our lives and we will only have each other when you all grow up” you two together come first… Stick together !!
Laura says:
Totally agree with this – I was about to type the same thing but I’m saved the work! She’s playing you Heather, and when I say you, I mean both of you. It’s a power play. An adorable power play, but a power play nevertheless.
My older daughter preferred my husband, and my younger daughter prefers me. Take the power away from her by laughing at it and her. She won’t know what hit her, and she’ll see you and Mike as “Team Mommy & Daddy” versus “Team Daddy and Annie versus Mommy.”
Believe me, I know it’s hard, toddlers can just be mean! One day in the not too distant future you’ll look back at this and laugh. (Haha?) Good luck!
ps This morning my younger daughter didn’t want to get dressed, was having fun trying on different colors of vampire teeth, and I HAD to leave for work. She ran away from me and yelled “I WANT DADDY!!!” Never happens. So my husband swooped in like a hawk to a mouse and happily got her dressed, including hair. Power play, gladly accepted by me as I got more time to myself. They’re smart, those toddlers.
Janet says:
As a Pre-K teacher I see this a lot and totally agree! She is playing you like a fiddle. And, cute as it is now, it’s not going to be so cute in a couple of years. There will be times that even though Mike is around, he may not be available to help out, you’re trying to get out the door and Annie is throwing a fir because she wants Daddy to put on her shoes instead of Mommy. You have to let her know that she can’t always get what she wants…I know, I know, it’s sad we can’t give in to their every whim. Trust me, you’ll be glad you laid down the law. The most important thing you can do is to be united… Like Laura said “Team Mommy & Daddy”.
Good Luck!!
Lauren says:
Mike works outside your home, right? Do you think it could be that she just prefers him during the hours/days he is there? How is she with you, while he’s at work?
Just curious…
Sarah says:
My daughter starting to prefer Daddy at 10 months old. Se didn’t want me for ANYTHING when Daddy was around. So, I did what any parent would…I had another baby! Now my second daughter is 14 months old and is obsessed with Daddy. But guess what??? My older daughter is now 3 1/2 and she FINALLY wants Mommy again. There’s nothing better than hearin her tell Daddy, “I’m Mommy’s girl.” 🙂 But now it sucks because I have to give her all her baths, read all her books, fix her hair, get her drinks, wipe her butt, etc. I kind of wish she wanted to be Daddy’s girl a little more!
Give Annie some time, she’ll be just fine. Just keep being a consistent parent and do what you’ve always done. She knows you love her and she’ll be back to being a momma’s girl before too long…
Nancy says:
It is hard 🙁
My oldest prefers Daddy. Has preferred Daddy since birth. First word at 9 months was “Dada.” He didn’t say “Mama” til 21 months!! He’s just now, at almost 3.5 years, coming to me. He still wants Daddy, but Mommy is ok too. My little guy is all Momma’s boy and has the same Annie reactions to Daddy. If Daddy tries to comfort him at night, he will scream and head butt Daddy until I get to the room. We tell ourselves it’s a phase too. He’s only just turned one. It took big boy a few years so we’ll give little boy more time. In the meantime, we just keep trying.
Ashley Tinius says:
Don’t feel bad, Heather. My oldest is like that, too. She actually preferred ANYONE but me for the longest time, and still prefers my husband, and she’s 6 now. I remember when she was 2, she used to tell me that she wished she lived with Nana (my mother-in-law), and I would cry. And if my mom was around, I was instantly forgotten, and she had to do everything for her, like take her to the bathroom, put on her shoes, etc. It made me feel like crap, too. I felt like I must be a bad mom or something. I wondered why she didn’t like ME. I have 2 more girls now, and although they do like for my mom to help them with stuff when she’s here, they love me and aren’t dismissive and rude like my oldest. Sometime kids are just wired that way. It has nothing to do with you. Anyway, I just wanted you to know you’re not alone. ((HUGS))
CorinneC says:
Haha! It so cute! My daughter, thankfully prefer me over my husband.. And all because he comes home twice a week.
Renee says:
You’re definitely not alone! {{{Hugs}}} My youngest son preferred my husband for a LOOONNNGGGG time. It seemed like it was never going to end. He will be 5 at the end of December and has been in a “Mommy phase” for a while now. Can I be honest? It’s EXHAUSTING! At least before it was one kid per parent. Now no one wants Daddy!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaa. He could literally be sitting on the couch next to them and they will come search for me to ask me instead of him. ugh. It’ll end. Prepare Mike for the disappointment when it does!
Sue says:
In my book, you sound pretty darn close to being the best Mommy around, Heather. Neither of my boys went through that, but I’m sure that it breaks your heart. She’ll come around,,just you wait and see.
DefendUSA says:
Wow. Someone actually said there is more to this than preference? I doubt that, seriously. What kid doesn’t have preferences? No matter how long it lasts, they have them. And I wouldn’t take it personally. I have four kids and each one of them had their days with dear old Dad winning out, despite the fact that you are there 24/7. From a practical standpoint- yep, it stings because of that, but in the end, it really doesn’t matter. I know they love us just the same.
Wendy says:
If I am correct, you stay at home with Annie and Mike works out of the home, yes? Maybe I can give you a little bit of the child’s perspective. My mom was a stay at home mom and sometimes, because I was always around her, I felt stifled by her (not that she was necessarily stifling, but you know how it goes when you’re with the same people all the time). Dad, on the other hand, was kind of a novelty because I saw so much less of him. How often do you get out with Annie? Maybe if she had more time to play with other kids while you hung out with adults, that would give her some separation time and make her more interested in you. Best of luck!
Stacey says:
Do not fret, there is nothing wrong with her or with you..NOTHING!
It is totally and completely normal behavior and it will pass!
More over, it is also reactionary, meaning that she can see in some for that it bothers you. She is learning about what your reaction to it is, so do not react.
If she wants Mike, let her have him if it’s possible. When it’s not, it’s not and so be it.
It will pass. I have four kids and have seen two do this. One to me and one to my husband.
It does pass, nothing is wrong with her or you. Do not let anybody tell you any different!
Nina says:
My son preferred his dad until he was about 3.5 – then he started actively seeking me out and asking for me a lot more. I know quite a lot of children who shift parent preferences or a bit around the age of 3 or 4.
My daughter prefers her father and the preference has grown stronger every month. When she hears him come in she runs at him at breakneck speed often falling on her face in her hurry to fling herself into his legs. She sings him songs, feeds him food, seeks him out for special tendernesses. Will often push me out of the way when she wants him for himself. If she and I are alone we get along beautifully, but if there is a choice between him or me she will almost always choose him.
Sometimes this is a bit difficult (where is my leg hug daughter?) but mostly I deal by just focusing on how much I love her. I get such intense joy from her, from watching her barrel through the world and shriek and laugh that when compared to that who she loves and how much is small fry.Try not to take it personally and not to react, because that way at least it eliminates (or cuts down) on them doing it just to push your buttons. My eldest constantly tells us that he doesn’t love us! will never love us and we just go “fair enough” and carry on with our day.
I remember having a marked preference for my father as a girl. (My first memories are of him, even when I was Annie’s age I used to insist on carrying his picture everywhere with me if the actual father was not around. He stayed my preferred parent until he died when I was eight. I think though that I would have had preference shift towards my mother in my teenage years and my mum and I are very close now. We had some rough years, but became close after I got married. Lives are long, relationships change but love and patience always perseveres. Good luck.
Colleen says:
My niece preferred her dad as well, but that was because my sister did so much traveling for work and he was the primary caregiver. This is strange, never happened to me but I only had two so who knows. Could be that she just has strong opinions, could be that she’s missing him during the day, could be a very smart girl playing mom, or maybe she identifies with him right now because she is, after all, his female clone. I think it will pass. Being a girl with strong opinions will serve her well as she matures!
Sara says:
In our house my 3 year old son has been that way for over a year now – I’m the parent who has to do everything and my husband (Daddy) cannot do anything. Though, when I’m out of the house, Daddy is a perfectly acceptable substitute. If I’m around though, I am the only one he wants. I keep telling my husband it’s a phase, but it has certainly been a long one (we’re going on about 18 months of this phase now I’d guess). There are occasional bursts where Daddy is the cool parent and I’m quick to step out of the way when that happens because they are so few and far between. I know it hurts my husband’s feelings sometimes, and I regularly remind the 2-year-old that we all love Daddy and Daddy is nice, or funny or sweet, etc. My son seems to believe that he can only love one person at a time, and I am that person. Someday the tables will turn, but I have no idea when that day will be. Hang in there – Mike will definitely not be the one taking her shopping for makeup, prom dresses or any other girly supplies. Your time will come eventually 😉
Robin says:
My daughter was like that with my husband. Now, at 3.5, she is finally more open to him doing things with her. She will go run errands with him, go for walks, etc. If we are all home though, she prefers me. It has definitely hurt my husband at times. One thing we did which I think helped – if she asked for something simple (a glass of water for example) I would tell her daddy was going to get it for her. If she started throwing a fit about it, I would tell her I can’t do everything and that that’s why she has two parents who love her. I just said this in a matter-of-fact voice and if she wanted a hug from me afterwards I would give her one. We started this at about 18 months. At about 2 if I said daddy was going to get her something/help her with something she had asked me for, she would say “that’s why I have two parents”, so I really do think this helped her understand that both mommy and daddy love her and want to help her.
tonya says:
For the most part, my girls preferred me when they were little. BUT. I am the stay-at-home parent. The Enforcer. I don’t try to be, it’s just that I like order, and bedtime, and showers and all that necessary stuff. He is the Fun Parent. He takes them to shoot basketballs, to the movies, out on the boat. Then he brings them home so I can make sure showers are taken, teeth are brushed and they actually get in bed before midnight.
As they get older (11 and 7) they are preferring him more and more. It’s nothing for us to go out to eat and they both stand there fighting over who’s going to sit with Daddy. Meanwhile I sit alone in a booth and the waitress looks at me like, Why don’t your kids want to sit with you?! It didn’t bother me for a while because for so many years I was the go to parent. But now, it’s hurting. Particularly now that my oldest goes to HIM with friend/boy/personal issues. She should come to ME! I’m her MOM! But she doesn’t, and she clearly doesn’t even want to, and it worries me that I’ll have the same crappy relationship with them that I do my mom.
I think with your little princess, though, this is a phase. And maybe I’m mistaken, but it seems like she may have Daddy a bit more wrapped around that little finger? And she seems VERY smart, so maybe she is being manipulative?? He’s my fave since I can play him easier??
Either way, I do know that this can be hurtful because it’s my life too. I just always try to remind myself that I should be thankful that he’s such a good man that they DO favor him. As I’m eating alone on my side of the table. 🙂
Nellie says:
Ohh, this too shall pass – trust me! My daughter who is now four has been in daycare since she was 3 months old because we’ve had to work, etc. I can tell you, the first 3 years of her life were all about Daddy this or Daddy that and I was the Evil Mother who felt more like “daddy’s girlfriend” especially on the days I was able to pick her up from Daycare with my husband (he drops her off and picks her up – easier on our work schedules). I’d be mortified when she’d completely ignore me and go straight to my husband, hold his hand and tell him about her day as if I wasn’t even there to share in her joy…ouch! She is now all about the both of us but more about me and when will I pick her up from school and getting upset when I leave the house to catch my bus. It’ll pass and to me it really is just a phase and not some psychological or more serious thing that some commentators seem to imply.
Can’t say it enough and I’ve never even met you – you are one hell of an amazing Mom and Annabel knows it. Right now she just wants to be 100% Daddy’s Little Girl! I was like that as a child and now, a full grown adult – my mom is my best friend and my heart and soul just as my dad has always been. 🙂
Lauren says:
Hi Heather,
I just wanted to say thank you for posting this. I am going through the same thing right now with my son who is almost 2.5. He is ALL about his Daddy. He wants Daddy to get him drinks, give him a bath, put him to bed, he wants Daddy to put on his movies, snuggle with him on the couch, etc. He has also literally pushed me out of the way to get to him….I could totally identify with the commentor that said she feels like “Daddy’s girlfriend”. Sometimes my husband will say, “go give mommy a hug” or “go give mommy a kiss” before bedtime and my son will flat out refuse. I feel like the creepy old aunt that you are made to pay attention to at the holidays. It sucks. We both work full time, so I can’t even say that one of us being home with him all day has anything to do with it. I suppose it’s a phase but unfortunately, that’s not too comforting. I’ve started saying we need to have another one hoping that the next one “will like me”. 🙁
Andrea says:
I have two boys. One is ten and our youngest is a year old. My oldest preferred me almost all of the time over his dad and still does but that’s only because we seperated when he was 4. My youngest son is just like Annie. He wants pretty much nothing to do with his daddy unless I am just not home. He will scream and cry and kick himself away from daddy just to get to me. I know it has to hurt my husbands feelings even though he says it doesn’t. I really truly believe that boys are momma’s boys and girls are daddy’s girls at least until they get much older. Good luck!!
Jess says:
Same thing happened to me when my son was about a year to 18 months or so. Maybe longer? I can’t remember. All he wanted was daddy, daddy, daddy. He just turned 3 yesterday and he is pretty good with both of us now, I’m finally “included”. It’s a phase and it’ll go away, just hold out for those sweet little moments (like at the doctor) for now.
Megan says:
I disagree with the people who said that this is “extreme” and there’s something deeper going on. It sounds totally normal to me. My 18 mo/old was like this for months with her Dad, and then one day she decided she hates Dada and Mom is the bomb. There was absolutely no reason for it. She’s a fiesty and opinionated little girl like Annie and once she gets something in her head, that’s it. (One day she randomly decided her beloved milk was poison. Just for one day. Kids are weird.)
I’m sorry it hurts your feelings. Been there, my friend. Deep down she loves your guts and thinks you’re awesome and someday she will get over this and show it.
Lucy says:
All three of my kids were like this too – strong preference for daddy, and they wanted him to do EVERYTHING for them. But we decided pretty early on that we were not going to let them decide, for example, who got them dressed, served food, gave them a bath etc. It resulted in not a few pretty unpleasant tantrums, but they subsided when they figured out we weren’t going to budge. Our party line was something like “we are the parents, and we’ll make that decision – sometimes daddy will help you and sometimes mommy.” I know this can be hard, but if it’s any consolation, things have evened out a lot more as my kids have gotten older (now 8, 5, and 3).
Kellie says:
I understand why it would break your heart. We have this problem as well only it is the opposite at our house. Our daughter definitely prefers me over her daddy. You can tell it makes him upset. Just wanted to say I think it is perfectly normal and you are not alone however I have no idea how long it lasts. Hopefully not too long!
Jana says:
My son preferred his dad it seemed from birth until about age 5, then he became a mama’s boy and is still is today. He’s almost 15 and we are very close. It never felt good when he was little and I would pick him up and he would squirm and cry for daddy. But it all turned around and I am now the favorite, so don’t worry.
Crysi says:
It changes. My oldest has always been mommy mommy mommy until a few months ago. Now, at 4.5, she is daddy’s girl for almost everything. She cries when he has to work late & cries that she misses him, etc. she still wants me when she’s sick or it’s bedtime, but the rest of the time she’s all about daddy.
The twins go back & forth. I think it’s a twin thing. Leia was a total daddy’s girl or DiDi’s girl (my mom), but lately she’s been demanding me more and more. Mira goes back & forth.
But all 3 want mommy when we go to the doctors.
Sherry Lane says:
Oh how I hope this is a phase too…. My three year old has been Like this for as long as I can remember. When I say ” I love you Francesca”, her reply is, “I love daddy…. And you”. Never just love you too mommy! Insert knife is side here….. Ouch.
Sherri says:
Hey Heather…
Due to the fact that *I* did everything for all 3 of my kids starting from day 1, and the fact that my husband was hardly ever home while they were awake, they ALWAYS preferred me. They still do. It drives me insane. They are 14, 12 and 9 now. I can leave and go to the grocery store, and hubby will be at home with them and they will CALL ME on my cell to ask if they can do something, or go somewhere or whatever and he is RIGHT THERE! Ask Daddy!! If they need a ride, they ask ME. If they need a ride and I can’t do it, they ask ME to ask daddy for them. WTH? FINALLY, overall, my son is beginning to prefer daddy. He has finally realized that daddy is the fun one. Mommy makes him bathe and do his homework. Daddy takes him camping and hiking and to Burger King. Huh. I can’t decide what is better…
Susan says:
Heather, while I can commisserate with your feeling like the third wheel during these “pick-a-side” times all little ones seem to go through, fast forward about 20 years…yesterday afternoon my daughter who is in grad school and I had a long talk…she was crying over a broken heart. After a little while, I asked if she would like to talk to her Dad about this. Maybe she could get a guy’s perspective. She sniffed and said, “Mom why would I talk to him about this? I want you.” It’s those times that I realize there is nothing like a Mother’s love and comfort – no matter how old our babies get. Having lost my Mom to breast cancer over five years ago, I still want my Momma to help me when my heart is broken. You are such a wonderful Mom, Heather. On those instances when Annie wants only Dada, think about all us other Mamas out here sending you a huge hug!
Kristin says:
We have to opposite problem in my home and I feel SO bad for my husband. My daughter (5) prefers me SO much more than Daddy. Although they get along just fine and she’s completely fine with him when I’m not around, when I am she tells him “no, I’m MAMMAs girl!!” It is hurtful for both of us, but kids will be kids. I try to tell her that that hurts Daddy’s feelings and that Daddy wants to help her get a drink, brush her hair, snuggle, etc. Maybe you could enlist Mike’s help in this matter. He could sometimes simply say “Annie I am doing x,y,z, right now, but Mommy would love to feed you, change your diaper, whatever” And if she throws a fit, so be it. I bet after a few weeks of him NOT giving into her every command for him over you, then she may become more okay with you doing all the things she prefers Dadda for now.
This is probably just a phase and with a little help from the both of you I think she’ll grow out of it soon. Best of luck!
LaurieSL says:
First off can I say how much I enjoy reading your blog? I love the easy going way you write and the way you describe situations and details – it’s almost like I’m there watching it happen. Same with this specific post.
I definitely don’t think there’s anything wrong with Annie. I think she might have a strong personality and I agree with some who responded suggesting that you and Mike form an “alliance”. Maybe even see if it might help if Mike talked to Annie saying that Mommy really wants to help you put in your shoes, can you let her? I’m totally not into all that “rationalizing with your child” but after observing how my 2 years old’s teachers interact with the kids in order to change their undesirable behavior, I have come to value talking things out with my 2 year old. I know things will get better soon! Annie is growing up beautiful and she has her wonderful parents to thank!
K8+2 says:
First off let me say all the reassuring things that you can and should believe and hear: it is a phase, yes. It will pass, yes. It’s about current preference, not some deep-seated psychological issue that requires a referral from your doctor (sheesh, some people.)
But, there is one other factor here to consider: Mike. Surely, he sees the way Annie’s preference for him is affecting you, and as another commenter said, he needs to join with you as Team Mom & Dad to help re-direct Annie’s rather biased behavior. So she’s throwing food on the floor when you give it to her? He shouldn’t pick it up and offer it back. So she wants him to put on the shoes? He shouldn’t ALWAYS be so willing to be the one to do it for her. Mike needs to start sometimes saying “Go see Mommy,” if she runs to him with a boo-boo, or her shoes, or whatever else. And if/when she screams, so be it. He might even let her know, in a stern (but not scary voice) that throwing such a tantrum is a no-no and is not okay with him, her beloved Dada. Annie needs to see that she is earning the displeasure of her preferred guy when she spurns you– she needs to see that it is not OK with Mike, and it needs to not be OK with Mike because of how it’s affecting you.
Also? It’s gonna pass. As she gets older, and girlier and girlier (what a head start she has already with her fashion flair!) you will be the parent to go shoe-shopping, dress-shopping, nail-salon visiting…all the things that will make her light up. Her world will become yours more and more, so in the end, try to take a deep breath and take it all in stride. I see it happening already with my twin boys: whereas once it was all about mama, mama, mama, now that they’re getting older and suddenly sports and all sorts of physical activities are kicking in, Dad has become ascendant. It’ll all be OK in the end. Promise.
Marie says:
This commenter had some really good advice. Bad behavior should not be rewarded with the food that she threw on the floor and etc. Mike should work with you on this and be team Mike and Heather.
This is some excellent advice.
I bet it wouldn’t take too long and she would be even steven with you both.
Hugs from Minnesota
Marie
p.s. and yes they are smart little suckers!! lol
Savannah says:
Yes! I was going to say the same exact thing. Every time Mike does as Annie wants (puts on her shoes after she pushes you aside, feeds her after she throws a tantrum) he’s rewarding her preference. She likely prefers him because he gives in to her demands, but my advice to him is not to let her dictate who helps her, but band together with you to enforce the fact that she can not treat Mommy this way.
He can’t reward her whenever she brushes you aside because you are his wife and he must show Annie that it’s important to him that she treat you well. He needs to put his foot down with her more, be less Superman and more an example that she can’t demand or tantrum her way to get what she wants.
Jenn says:
Amen! I couldn’t have said it better myself. I was angrily muttering to myself when I read the suggestions for “evaluations” and things of that sort.
Mike should really try to stop pandering to her. I can imagine that will be hard for him because of your loss of Maddie, and he’s thrilled to have Annie’s adoration, but toddlers are SMART. My kids definitely try to play one parent against the other and unless we keep up a united front, in the end, the kids get their way and my husband are barely speaking.
Tracy says:
I wish I had comforting words. But…my daughter has ALWAYS preferred her dad, while my son has always been my boy. She’s 21 now – and it hasn’t changed. I figured it was a gender thing…and did my best not to let it bother me.
Stacy says:
Heather, I promise you, it is TOTALLY a phase. My son (4), had a year or so spell where he was the exact same way with me. He was 100% Daddy’s boy. He would shut doors on me, cry and scream, and wanted Daddy to do everything for him. Literally overnight one night he totally flipped. He is 100% a Mama’s boy now. He smothers me with hugs and kisses and when Daddy asks for one he laughs and says “Noooooooo, I’m going to kiss Mommy!” I am enjoying every second of it because I know it could flip again. And then eventually we’ll probably both be fighting for hugs and kisses when he gets to be a tween. Our daughter was the same way with spells going both ways. She’s now almost 8 and her affection is about equal. Hang in there sista, the tides will turn! I promise!
Julie {Angry Julie Monday} says:
I can relate….my son is 6. My husband has ALWAYS been the preferred parent. It has actually gotten worse over the years…Hugs!
Jamie says:
Someone once told me that little kids might favor their dad because to them- their mom is someone they are with so much that it’s like the mom is an extension of themselves. This makes Dad the exciting one by default :). I think this is more so the case if the mom stays at home and the dad works. I hope I’m not putting my foot in my mouth here because I can’t remember for sure if Mike works and you stay home Heather. But if you are the one who is caring for Annie the majority of the time, I would say this would apply to you guys.
Susan says:
My parents had six kids, but this kinda thing never bothered them because they realized it was temporary; the kids alternated between favoring mommy and favoring daddy pretty equally. Or, there were some things they turned to Mom for, and some things they turned to Dad for.
One thing I DO know that drives a kid away is when they think a parent needs them. I’ve seen kids that used to run and hide from a needy-parent when they would call on the phone–and they were like two years old. Too much neediness drives them away, the same way neediness can drive even fully grown adults away from each other.
I wouldn’t worry too deeply about it. She will turn to you in her own time, perhaps for some specific things rather than everything. Even into adulthood, some children somewhat favor one parent slightly more than the other, but they certainly love the other one as well.
Have faith in yourself; you’re a wonderful mom. 🙂
Nia says:
That “phase” will end when you have another child (preferably a boy child) and one of two things will happen…She will become insanely jealous and cling to you or she will still not care and your boy child will be a mama’s boy 🙂 My boy child is all about mama. Says I’m his best friend and kisses me all.day.long. HEAVEN!
Oh and if it is indeed a phase, I’m willing to bet it will end once she starts dating and Mike pulls out his shot gun 😉
Catherine Lucas says:
It’s not a phase. If you want to reverse this pattern Mike needs to step in and stand next to you and he needs to tell Annie that you mean business too. The same for the tantrums. She throws a tantrum and gets her way.
Ignore the tantrum and talk to the spouse and pretend she is not there.
Annie is learning that it is quite easy to split you guys up, she has way too much power for a two year old. A two year old should not decide who she wants to take care of her. The parents should decide that. If you two do not unite over Annie I predict tantrums till she is 30. I don’t read your blog that much anymore because I can see how Annie is becoming all powered in the house and she is ruling the roost. The minute she sees that you unite in the parenting the tantrums will be gone and there will be a much more positive atmosphere in the house.
Molly says:
Heather, when I read comments like this I wonder how you can keep up a public persona. I would go crazy reading these insane comments! I am so glad that you are awesome enough that you just don’t give a crap about the crazies.
Rachel says:
I haven’t read all of the comments, but agree that she probably knows exactly what she’s doing. My 3 year old did this fir awhile about 6 months ago. I found it unacceptable as I was the one taking care of her and toting her around for the majority of the day. We solved the problem by my husband refusing to do anything that I had started doing with her (like your shoe example.). He told her, “mommy will put your shoes on. Go give her a hug.” While it was pretty much forced love, it changed her mind about me and we’re pretty even now. Sometimes she would refuse to let me do something, which was fine. She just missed out on whatever that was and had a crying fit.
While kids aren’t the same as dogs, I do relate this situation to the dog whisperer. They see that they pretty much own a parent, and it creates a power struggle. My daughter, like the dogs Cesar would deal with, got pissed when I was affectionate with my husband. We had to explain again and again that her father loves both of us.
My daughter also would not act out and have tantrums in front of my husband. He didn’t believe some of the things I would tell him. I had to actually video tape her once so he would beleive how insane she would get with me. It was a very controlled situation when she was around him. Then I’d get all of the bad emotions as soon as he would leave the house. Or even minutes after leaving daycare.
I’d just really get Mike to side with you at every opportunity and show Annie that you’re both in charge and one parent doesn’t have any more pull than the other. Hopefully her attitude will change at that point.
Jennifer says:
This is so hard! I really empathize. I went through this to a large degree with my daughter when she was younger. I even wrote a long blog post about it. If you’re interested and get a chance, read my post and you’ll see you’re so not alone!
http://talesofanunfinishedmom.wordpress.com/2009/04/22/daddys-girl/
I’m happy to report, however, that that was two years ago (my daughter was 2 then) and things are much better. Granted, when she comes into bed (which is nearly every night these days), it’s Daddy she wants to snuggle with. Sometimes I feel badly, but, truth is, I really like my sleep so it works out for the best.
Given that I am unable to have any more children, I realized at some point that I was going to have to make peace with this preference and be the best Mom I could be having faith that at some point, it would all turn around and she would clearly need Mommy. I’d heard enough stories to this point–that girls need their Moms eventually –especially when girls are young teens.
I also started doing special Mommy only things with her and reading books about connecting with your kid (I’m also a full-time working Mom by necessity) since I noticed that recreating some of my own childhood wasn’t working. Anyhow, I have to say that these days, unless I’m living in a delusional state, my daughter really loves Mommy – and I feel it. In fact, she shuns Daddy some of the time. (Although we don’t encourage that from either end.)
I do believe the age and stage has a lot to do with it. When I stopped getting all emotional about it, things did get better. But, I know it’s NOT easy. I’m really sensitive and it hurt my feelings a lot. Annie is still very young and sounds very strong-willed. My daughter was too.
One thing that parents of older kids told me is that it goes back and forth throughout the kids’ life…here’s to hoping.
The last thing I will say is that for me, knowing that I only had one and having had three miscarriages prior and REALLY wanting a girl, I definitely had a lot of fantasies about how our relationship was going to be, so, when she rejected me, it hurt on so many levels because I had so many expectations. Ultimately, I had to accept that she was her own person and I had to accept who she was, preferences and all.
Like I said, she definitely came around. I’m sure Annie will too!
Sarah says:
I can’t imagine how that would feel……Because I am the one who she ALWAYS wants and let me tell you although it can be nice, say when she wants stories or snuggles, But when it is to wipe her butt after a poop, or put her to bed in the middle of the night, or even put her in her car seat….EVERYTHING has to be done by me! I get no break I tell ya, even when you say want to go to the bathroom in private, or take a shower, or hey even brush your teeth and you can’t do any of the above alone b/c it always has to be mama, mama, mama, trust me it would be nice to have her want dada once and a while (you know besides when I make her mad, then she wants dada) She is 3 so I would like to say it is just a phase to you, but I don’t know if I would believe my own words 😉
Rebecca says:
I think you should try to find more vaccines for Annie to get and Mike can hold her for them all.
Heather says:
hahahahaha best idea EVER.
Rebecca says:
Now that I think about it, it doesn’t even have to be vaccines, just shoot her up with a little saline. An IV drip every now and then will do the trick, right? Mike will need to hold her for the entire process, right?
jess says:
I always preferred my gram. No lie. If I had a choice between my parents or my gram I went to my gram. She and I were that close. If I had to get dressed, have someone brush my hair, go for a walk, I wanted gram to do it. If I cried, gram needed to dry my tears. She told me one time, she said “Jessica come here ” and I said “Don’t call me Jessica, call me sweetheart”. She was my favorite person.
I think it’s a phase and she goes for Mike because she spends the days with you. She’s a mama’s girl, she loves you. Don’t doubt that. 1) She has your clothing taste (do we not recall Mike and his knowledge at clothing?) 2) she knows at her little age she can play you already. 3) watch what she does when your parents or his parents come over. Forget dada we want Bampa and Gamma! Seriously watch what happens.
Just keep reminding Mike, if this keeps up he can have the change of life talk with her since she prefers him. 😉
Stephanie M. says:
I work in a daycare with kids 18-24 months. I’ve seen this happen a lot, not just with parents, but with teachers in the classroom. One thing that has helped out tremendously is “taking turns.” To introduce the method first, have daddy be with you while changing a diaper, he takes off the diaper, you wipe..etc. All the while saying “mommy’s turn, daddy’s turn.” If you start doing things together, she will begin to realize that daddy doesn’t do all of it or mommy doesn’t do all of it. Then, eventually, when she needs a cup of water, say “it’s mommy’s turn” or “it’s daddy’s turn.” Even if she throws a fit, let her ride it out and show her that if she really wants something to drink, mommy will get it for her. Sometimes it’s about taking the control away from her and placing it onto you. Eventually she will start saying “mommy turn?” “daddy turn?”
Hope this helps! It has helped a lot in our classroom! And we have had some VERY stubborn kids 😉
edenland says:
Oh, this is because children are ungrateful turds. Beautiful little ungrateful turds.
I daresay she’s playing you, testing limits and your patience. Rocco used to do this with me and Dave. After I’d say no to something he’d go to Dave who’d say yes. So Rocco would walk past me ve-ry slow-ly, making sure I could see him with his contraband. Can’t believe how smart they are, at so young.
But it still doesn’t feel very nice at all.
I read somewhere recently that children learn and grow and change so quickly, it’s like parenting a different child every three months. It will pass hon.
XX
Lanie says:
My husband travels at times for work. The last time he was away my twins wanted to know when Mommy would be going away. I told them that maybe we would all go away next time to go visit grandparents. They asked if they could just go with daddy . . .
Savannah says:
Every child is different. Annie has an innately strong personality, a beautiful, adorable thing in a toddler, but something that can hurt if allowed to rule a household. I know you sometimes joke that Annie rules the roost, but it really sounds like she does and i wonder if her personality could use a bit more discipline. Some children are naturally sublime and require very little discipline, but others need, and secretly want, more boundaries. It may not seem that way given her tantrums, but they are her way of expressing her immense frustration at not getting her way. If she learns that’s tantrum does not equal getting what I want because parents rule the house, she’ll learn some boundaries.
Suzanne says:
I agree with a lot of the advice that was given about being a team, and taking turns doing things for Annie even if she does cry. Mike has to back you up on that. We did this with my older son who was a Mama’s boy at this age. We also had special “daddy” books and special activities that only daddy would do. Eventually the tanrtrums phased out and my son was OK with either parent, I’d say around age 2-1/2, maybe 3.
Noelle says:
My daughter was the same way with me. When my husband would come home from work she’d say, “Daddy home! You go now, Mommy!” I was so hurt by that! But guess what? When she turned 3 she started to like me, and by 3.5 we were great friends. Now she’s 6 and says I’m her bestie 🙂 I pray that will last forever!