After I saw Dr. Looove for my stomach crud, I followed all of her instructions to make myself better. But after a weekend of more vomiting and other stomach unpleasantness, I started emailing Dr. Looove in the middle of the night for more help. They were all pathetic whiny pleas:

Hi Dr. Looove,
As you can see, it’s 3:41 am and I just threw up for the fifth time since…I don’t know when. I’ve been throwing up a lot. Do you have more suggestions for things I can try?
Thanks, Heather

Then my final email:

Hey Doc L,
Middle of the night again. This stomach stuff is getting bananas. Which is ironic, because I can’t even keep bananas down, and they are the B in the BRAT diet you put me on. My whole body hurts, especially my stomach. Soon I’ll weigh less than Annabel…not because I’m losing weight, (because I haven’t!) but because I fear I will have this stomach ailment until Annabel is full-grown. I’m also kind of delirious.
Please help me. ~Heath

Yeah, Dr. Looove and I are totally nicknamey when I am dehydrated and feverish.

After the last email, Dr. Looove’s assistant called me (at a decent hour) to let me know I was scheduled for an abdominal ultrasound later that afternoon. She also told me not to eat or drink anything until after my appointment. I thought that was funny since I hadn’t kept any food or drink down for almost 20 hours at that point.

Mike brought me to the Women’s Imaging Center and I immediately felt like I’d walked into a really effed-up spa. There was zen music playing, bubbling fountains everywhere, and women walking around with their asses hanging out of their hospital gowns. I was handed a gown and instructed to take everything off from the waist-up. Pants on appointment! Woo!

I then went into a ultrasound cubby, where my ultrasound tech said, “today I will be looking at your lungs, kidneys, gallbladder, spleen and liver. All the important innards.” I was about to say, “um…I think my heart is pretty important,” but then she jammed that ultrasound wand right into the most painful spot on stomach and I had to start doing my pretend Lamaze breathing.

I seriously have no idea what is on the screen:

Conclusion – Ultrasounds are lame when you aren’t looking at a baby.

As we left, the tech told us, “your doctor will get the results in two business days.” It was a Thursday at 4:30. “I sure hope I don’t have to wait until Monday to find out if my gallbladder is going to explode,” I said. “Don’t worry,” Mike replied, “If it’s your gallbladder, it will totally explode before Monday.”

Dr. Looove called on Saturday to tell me that (luckily) my gallbladder wasn’t going to explode. Everything had checked out, I definitely had gastritis, and I possibly had a bacterial infection.

“Possibly? How can we know for sure? That sounds gross.”

“Well…you have to come in and give a stool sample.” Dr. Looove explained.

Record scratch!

Upon telling my parents the news, my dad then proceeded to explain to me in detail exactly how one gives a stool sample. I CAN’T UNHEAR IT YOU GUYS! I CAN’T UNHEAR IT.

Over the last few days, my stomach has been gradually getting better. I’m still exhausted but that could also be because Annabel decided to give up napping. Perfect timing, kid!