Last week, my mom and I took James to the local Christmas tree lot. I was there to check out their small trees for the kids, and to take a picture of James. After I got the picture, I started wandering the rows of trees. It smelled sooooo amazing, and I think they were piping in some hallucinogens because even though we have a large fake tree at home, I started imagining buying another large real tree.
Since it was early, we were the only people at the lot other than the workers. One of the men who worked there came over to us and started pointing out the different kinds of trees. I briefly considered telling him to throw an eight-foot Douglas Fir on my car roof but I resisted. Instead, I asked him to show me the small trees, and told him that I was planning on coming back in a few days with my daughter so she could pick one out. As he walked us over to the tabletop trees, he said, “I made this tree and no one wants it. I think I might take it home myself if it doesn’t sell by the end of the day.”
I glanced over at the tree he was referring to and stopped in my tracks…because it was a pine tree that he had cut and carved to look like a palm tree. I’m worried that you just read that like it was a regular sentence. A PINE TREE CUT AND CARVED TO LOOK LIKE A PALM TREE. He’d even fashioned pine cones to look like coconuts! When I saw it, everything in my peripheral vision went dark, and something inside of my head started screaming, “Buy it buy buy buyyyyyy it!”
But I decided to play it cool: “OMG THAT IS AMAZING HOW MUCH IS IT?” Sooooo breezy.
“Thirty dollars, including the stand.”
My mom: “That totally looks like you. You should buy it.” She’s an enabler.
Me: “I can’t buy that because where would I put it? I WILL PUT IT ON MY PORCH!”
But still, I was cool. “I should wait. I don’t have any cash on me. If someone doesn’t buy it before I come back this evening I will take it.”
Lot Worker: “We accept credit cards.”
Me: “OH MY GOD PUT IT IN MY CAR RIGHT NOW!”
My mom: “I wish I could be there to see Mike’s face when he gets home.” Enabler.
Someone carried it to my car while I carried James. I was basically floating because, hello, palm tree/Christmas tree hybrid!
James’ face is like, “Mom is crazy.”
When we got home I put it on my front porch and I swear, all the birds in the neighborhood started chirping in harmony.
Oh yeah, did I mention it was flocked?! It is so glorious.
I wanted to decorate my pretty tree, but I had to go get Annie at preschool. On the drive home I was like, “Annie, there is something amazing at home. Seriously, it will blow your mind. I am definitely not overselling this.” I parked the car and brought her to the porch and she was like:
She didn’t seem sold on the tree, so I told her I was going to decorate it. She started to come around at that point, although James was not convinced.
I let Annie hang a couple of ornaments while I closely supervised. Ornament placement is clearly crucial on a tree of this magnitude.
After she hung four ornaments on the same (small) branch, I gave Annabel a promotion to Official Tree Waterer. She watered the tree while I redistributed the ornaments.
Here it is, in all its beauty:
When Mike got home from work he said, “Where’s the amazing thing you bought?” Because of course I was teasing him with texts all day.
Me: “UM, you walked right past it on your way in.”
Mike: “Oh…you mean the broken Christmas tree?”
I about had a heart attack when he said that, thinking something had happened to My Precious. Luckily it was just fine, and Mike and I had a talk about using words like, “Broken Christmas Tree” when the tree is still in its upright and fabulous position.
Mike: “Really? That’s it? What are we supposed to do with it?”
Me: “Add lights, maybe? And sit under it on Christmas morning?”
This is going to be the best Christmas ever!!!