The number one thing I hear about James is how much he resembles his oldest sister. The number one thing I am asked regarding their resemblance is if it “freaks me out.”
No, it does not (does it freak you out when other siblings resemble each other?!). But it does worry me.
Annabel doesn’t share many physical characteristics with her sister, and that’s a good thing. As a girl, I think that would have been very hard for her to grow up with. Madeline comes up in our day-to-day life in a natural way; she is not the first thing anyone mentions when they see Annabel’s face.
James, on the other hand, brings Madeline to mind immediately. They are alike in both look and temperament, and people can’t help but comment on it. This does not bother us. The resemblance is strong, and to tiptoe around it would be hurtful. Also, James is a baby. He doesn’t understand what any of this means. I’m only concerned with how he’ll feel about all of this when he’s older.
Of course, when James is old enough to understand the comparisons, they likely won’t be coming anymore. We only had Madeline for seventeen months. I really hope that once James goes beyond that mark he doesn’t hear things like, “Well, now you’ll know what Maddie would have looked like.” That would be terribly unfair to him.
I don’t want James to feel burdened by the similarities between him and his oldest sister. I point out that Annabel and Madeline have the same chin, James and Madeline have the same eyelashes, Annabel and Daddy have the same face shape, and so on. Our looks tie us together but are only a tiny part of what makes us who we are. And while sibling comparisons are natural, we try to be very careful with how they are presented.
James is the cutest baby boy I’ve ever seen, and his sisters are the cutest girls. I see them in each other (and that makes me happy), but I mostly just see them as the individual people they are. I hope that as they grow, everyone else does, too.
Just James
RzDrms says:
Thank you for sharing this. When I’d first read this blog post of yours ( http://www.thespohrsaremultiplying.com/family-and-friends/three-of-a-kind/ ), and then when I started to notice the incredible resemblance between James and Madeline, I’d thought that telling you sometimes how much James reminded me of Maddie in some photos would be a *good* thing, one small way for me to let to know that I won’t ever forget her (even without their similarities), one way for me to say her name to you. I wanted you to hear from others that there IS that link you’d searched for. At the same time, I struggled with wanting you to know that I know that James is obviously his own person and has so many traits that are unique to him, but I just can’t see most of them yet because we predominately only have photos of him here online. So please know that, for me at least, I was only trying to give you what I thought you needed, and I totally understand how that changes and evolves over time. Thank you again for explaining and sharing with us this small way that we can “help” such kind and good people as you.
Karen says:
So well said. Thank you and ditto. One of the first times I saw his baby blues, I commented about about this. Maddy looked like you and it would be natural that another child of yours resembles his Momma….but it is still very cool (and Divine IMO) to see her in him and then just him. I would feel very special to have that, as a sibling.
defendUSA says:
Heather-
I am not sure people won’t say something as James grows older. The upside is that people will be remembering Maddie! It’s a safe bet you’ll be comparing too, because it’s a natural thing. You’ll always have those unknowns but try to remember that most people won’t be comparing to be hurtful but because they too remember what knowing Maddie was like and they may also take comfort in the similarities of James to Maddie.
For example, I did not know Maddie, but gee whiz, sometimes I really think when James is smiling (in photos)that he is seeing Maddie’s angel and his little eyes sparkle the same way that Maddie’s did in pictures. I think of Maddie every.time. I see purple and I even took a pic at Macy’s of their March of Dimes fundraiser balloons and donated money–thinking I could somehow get it to you to let you know.
Strangers remember because we connect to you and your family by this blog. Loved ones remember because you are still here and they KNOW. Everyone needs a little something in their hearts and James resembling Maddie is just the icing on the cake that she will always be “here”.
AuntieMip says:
My youngest brother looks EXACTLY like my oldest brother who died before he was born when he was 6 1/2 years old. My youngest brother is 43 years old. Over Christmas a family friend commented on FB to a picture I had posted that younger brother looked EXACTLY like older brother. And it is true. Or at least what we would imagine David would look like had he had the chance to grow up. It is the eyes, my GOD his eyes are so freakishly identical. Bu then again so are mine and my daddy’s.
Long story short, people will always say what they think is kind or well intentioned. No one ever really means to hurt you. My mom always says it is a good reminder and the reminders are good all these years later. She loves knowing that people remember that 50 years ago he was here.
Also, much like Maddie, Annie and James, I have FANTASTIC parents who made sure we all knew our unique value, worth and place in the family. Little brother was our bringer of joy and light after a very dark time. He thinks that is a pretty cool legacy. Something tells me you and Mike will have no problem letting Annie and James know that they are unique and precious regardless of who they favor!
Jamie says:
I’ve always thought James was a perfect mix of his two sisters. I see both of them so clearly in his face. I do see Maddie, of course, but I see Annie there too. He seems like a blend of his two sisters, which is really cool.
Karen says:
Babies faces are ‘genderless’ but as children grown old they develop differently, and as a young man he will definitely look male!
Siblings look similar, and Maddie and James look like each other at this age. His first boys hair cut will certainly differentiate the two of them and he will not be compared to her for life, just while he’s little he does bear a striking resemblance to his biggest sister.
Sara Mc. says:
Goodness, you have beautiful children!
Susan says:
I’m continually impressed by what a thoughtful person you are; you really consider potential issues and present a well thought out analysis of them. I also really like your balanced approach to everything; appreciating resemblances, but valuing individuality.
I always think “James” first when I look at James, and notice resemblances as a secondary thought, mostly because I think that’s best. But I think most people just want something to say about a baby, and resemblances/minor personality traits are easiest. In moderation, this is very nice, and even validating when you see the resemblances as well. In extremes, this has the unfortunate side effect of focusing on a child’s resemblance to others, rather than who the child is as their own individual person.
On a personal level, I don’t care for when people take a child’s appearance, personality, or accomplishments, and repeatedly credit it to someone else they know. It’s not malicious, but I don’t view it as a necessarily positive action either. I’ve been faced with this issue, but also the opposite, where someone was dismayed that I didn’t resemble someone the way they would have liked in one fashion or another (which sometimes made me feel like if I didn’t mirror someone in the family, that part of me couldn’t be accepted/liked). It was almost unfortunate if someone didn’t end up being like someone else in the family, and that’s a ridiculous standard to place on someone. This also can make siblings possibly feel jealous if they do not hear the resemblance comments as often, or at least somehow less worthy of note.
I think, and maybe would politely reinforce, James’s individuality, so he can feel his thoughts/actions/feelings are his own, and don’t need to be like someone else’s; he is one very adorable, cheerful little guy.
Johanna says:
Wow, I never even thought about how James and Madeline look alike. Every time I see his picture, I just think “what an adorable baby.”
TamaraL says:
I definitely see a lot of Maddie in James…but he has his own look as well. All three are gorgeous!!
Abby Leviss says:
My son Mo looks so much like his older brother Max. You’d have to be blind not to see it. I feel like people dance around that fact all of the time so that they don’t have to say Maxie’s name. I want Maxie to be remembered and I love that Mo and Max look alike. It is a breath of fresh air to me when people just say out loud that Mo looks like his older brother, because he does, and I know they wouldn’t hesitate saying it if Maxie were still alive. All children are their own people. No doubt, but family resemblance is just genetics and it’s a good thing. James is certainly his own person and he is so so cute.
Debbie Botwin says:
Just James is just adorable!
AngieM. says:
jamsie really IS the cutest baby boy ever! and those eyes..they get me every time.
Michelle says:
I really see both of James’ older sisters in him, and then just JAMES, too! I can see where you might worry how he’ll feel about being compared to Maddie as he gets older.
I’m still amazed that you wrote that post about hoping the new baby would be the one who tied all of your children together, and BAM! You got exactly that! James is so ridiculously adorable. Try to enjoy the little gift that must come with seeing glimpses of Maddie through her baby brother, and just keep loving Jamesie for the unique little person that he is.
Leslie says:
He’s gorgeous!
Alyssa says:
I think James looks both like Maddie and like Annie. But I also see you and Mike in him. That’s just what happen in families and he is blessed to be part of one where the parents have beautiful children. Half the time when I am with my family, unless my mom is there, no one thinks I am related to them!
James has the qualities of you both & the girls, but he (as my grandmother always says about every baby) “looks like himself”. So when I personally see that adorable little face I see James. Cute, sweet & just as himself. As he gets older people may still comment on who he looks like. It may end up being Maddie or it could even be your brother, but that is a natural thing for humans to do. You both are good parents, and if it does happen to look like Annie or Maddie, I have a feeling that James will be proud to look like his sisters because of the great way you and Mike are raising him.
kandi ann says:
Does Annie see Maddie in James? My daughters 2 sons were identical and over one yr apart in age, and looked just like my daughters before 3 yrs old pics. Her first daughter was the spitting image of her dad at birth. Dark hair and light eyes. 3 yrs later (now) she looks just like her Dads sister at 3. Crazy. We have no contact with the oldest as his adoptive mom refuses to tell him he’s adopted so I found myself looking at Tylers pic the other day trying to picture what big brother looks like.
I am a canine midwife, and over the years, working with my sister, we know (pit bulls) that if a baby comes out colored like Mom its a boy and colored like dad its a girl. (Statistically for us 99%, never looked furthur then the animals and people I know). I love genetics. I have seen and read so much about mannerisms being the same for reunited families. That is my favorite. Annie and James are going to both share these things with big sister.
Christina says:
This is tough. People have different intentions when they bring up the resemblance and some are just thinking out loud. The difference between our thoughts about it and your thoughts about it are that you are the mommy to both and know both babies forwards and backwards, their similarities and uniqueness. Your thoughtfulness on the issue is impossible to ignore and these efforts make me feel completely confident that you will respect, honor and encourage the individualities, just as you would like to and James will be the better for it. I remember growing up, my mom would tell me how she wished I was like my sister because she was always more mild mannered and I was “mouthy.” Well, as a youngest, that always made me want to be MORE of an individual and really own who I was. I hope that you don’t get too much of “Now you know what Maddie would have looked like” because you’re right, it isn’t fair. The truth is, no one will know for sure. I’ve seen babies who look like one parent and then a few years later they look like the other! You can’t be certain.
Elise says:
Holy moly, they do look a lot alike. Amazing.
Allison says:
I see a lot of Maddie AND Annie in James! I don’t think he’s a spitting image of either one, and while Annie may not look *just like* Maddie, there is no denying they are sisters. You guys make beautiful babies, and it is a privelege watching your family grow here.
Joelle says:
I think you nailed it…the fact that James is a boy, I can’t imagine people saying…”well now we know what Madeline would have looked like.” Though I say that and people can come up with some pretty ridiculous comments.
To your point of knowing they are so different. I have twin girls, turning 3 in March but we adopted them. They look similar, but are so different to me, but no one else can tell them apart. So one day a few months ago i decided to order an identical twin test to test them. It came back that they are identical. I was floored and almost a little upset about it. because…they are just so different to me, 2 different people, and i don’t want people comparing them either. They are and should be their own people, though they will always have someone that shares their dna. I think it’s so great Annie looks different, but in some photos she REALLY looks like Maddie. James looks a lot like Maddie too, but his hair is darker, and he has Annie’s shaped face (i think).
P.S. I can not wait to see your post on the superhero party!!
Glenda says:
I think it’s natural for people to see the features that are semblance, but at that same time James is and is going to be his own person. Growing up I always heard “OMG you look just like your dad” I loved that! He passed when I was 13. Growing up my daughter has always heard “OMG you’re your mother’s twin” ALL. OF. HER. LIFE! She does have a lot of my mannerisms but she has a lot of mannerisms from her dad. But she is her own person. And my son has had to hear that he and his dad are twins. It’s the genes that can not be denied.
And I hope that you definitely don’t get that “know you would know what Maddie would look like when James passes the 17 months mark” because that definitely would be unfair to you as their mother but definitely to James.
All three are gorgeous and beautiful in their own ways!
Heidi says:
I do think that James and Maddie look so much alike and I do note that to myself when I see pictures of him, but I don’t think I would ever say that to a child because no child wants to be compared to a sibling all the time. That being said, my daughter, who has blond hair and blue eyes, looks SO much like my mom. No only that, but she and my mom have an incredible bond. I truly think she loves her Oma above everyone else. I’m thrilled about that, but I also love the fact that after my mom is no longer here in this world, she will live on in the face of my daughter. I think that is amazing and I’m so grateful for it.
Both my children looked TOTALLY different when they were babies. People commented on the fact that they didn’t look like siblings at all, but by the time my son was 2, people thought they were twins all the time. (They are just 20 months apart in age.) Now at 9 and 11 they are definitely developing very different looks again, but there is no denying that they also look like siblings. Genetics are an amazing and fascinating thing.
I think all your children are gorgeous. I see a lot of similarities in all three. I love that Annie has her own look, just as I’m sure she has her own personality. And yet, you can still see how she and Maddie look a lot alike. James does look a lot like Maddie, especially at the moment, but his looks will develop and change over the years. He will always share a resemblance with both Maddie and Annie. Thanks for sharing your children with us. Your family is beautiful!
Jennifer says:
I do notice the beautiful eyes and lashes as a big resemblance between Maddie and James, but mostly James looks to me like the old-fashioned picture of the perfect Gerber baby, lol. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more perfect replica of healthy, beautiful baby.
I agree that as children age and their personalities become so much more evident that people draw less comparisons in appearance.
To me, people search for some resemblance in looks as a connection. Throughout my son’s life, we’ve been told how much he looks like my husband and how much he looks like me (he’s now 20) and my husband and I look nothing alike! It just depends on what side of the family is looking–he has my husband’s coloring and my features.
I have a 12 year old who is basically a clone of me, and she and her brother look a lot alike. I feel sorry for the middle child who really doesn’t look like anyone in the family! She is 17 and told me recently when she was little, she was pretty sure she was adopted because her brother and sister looked so much alike and she didn’t look anything like them!
nona says:
I can relate to this, from a different angle. I was adopted, but my adoptive family would tell me I looked like them. It bothered me, because I felt like they were overlooking my individuality. I mean, maybe they thought I wanted to “fit in.” But, I just wanted to be acknowledged for who I was, not for who they thought I should be. I dunno.
Lanie says:
I agree with you about both points of view. I love seeing resemblances in my children. I can’t help but think at times would Jake or Sawyer look like their brother or sister?
Then, the filp side you wrote about I also think is so true. I would never want my living children to feel compared to or like they have to love for their deceased siblings.
Yet another tricky aspect of being a bereaved parent with living children. Sending you hope and hugs.
Paula says:
I really think the important thing for James to hear is what a great young man he is becoming (as he ages).
I happen to think my boys are super handsome and I think Iowa girls are stupid if they aren’t at my door step drooling (so I can beat them off with my broomstick!). I don’t tell them often but when I saw all three of them in the tuxes for the oldest’s wedding it brought tears to my eyes. They are beautiful men but they are also smart and funny too.
Your kids are gorgeous – we can’t deny that – but I hope the remarks are more about how their personalities are.
Lisa says:
All of your children are darling.
Becki says:
Love him.
Jeanie says:
I like how James’ photo is adjacent to Maddie’s on your sidebar so we can see the resemblance. All your children are beautiful, including Rigby!
Jackie says:
James has your features and so does Maddie. Both adorable!
Chrissy says:
The interesting thing to me is that I think he looks very much like BOTH his older sisters. I see a lot of each of them in him!
Daisy says:
All of your kids are just adorable in their own way…and lucky to have you and Mike as such thoughtful parents.
Issa says:
I do see that he looks more like Maddie, than Annie does. However, he (and Madeline) look more like you and Annie more like Mike. Which happens in all families. I look like my great-grandma. My brother is like a half and half clone exactly of each of my parents. Genes are funny things. They’re all three adorable and very them. I will say that seeing mr. James on IG is a highlight in my day sometimes. He has to be one of the most beautiful, full of joy, happy babies around the Internet right now.
G. says:
It’s weird to me that people ask if that freaks you out. My youngest is a boy too (3 years old), and he looks very like his oldest sister who also died when she was little. My middle child, also a girl, doesn’t really look like her older sister that much. So the same situation really.
But the only thing I’ve heard about it is that people think it’s a good thing that he looks like her. It warms our hearts.
(But they have never gotten silly comments about it, it would probably be different if they were compared.)
c.c. says:
first, i’ve not visited your blog in a VERY long time, so what i’m gonna say here… it’s said with limited knowledge of you and yours.
yes, the picture you have of james on his about me page… i was struck by the way his eyes and smile reminded me of maddie’s photos. and then i looked at his flickr photos… and the newbies, they reminded me of annabel.
so maybe he’s just a spohr baby who’s got the best of everyone him him? does that sound too corny?
c.c. says:
also… because i submitted that in haste… i was more amused by the character of his expressions not the similarities of his sisters.
Lora says:
They are all 3 perfectly GORGEOUS.
We have one adopted child, and she is obsessed with how she DOESN’T look like her siblings and how that makes her different and not one of us….and yet everyone we meet can’t even believe she is adopted because she DOES look so much like us! But we accept that she feels right now that she doesn’t quite fit in, and so we talk alot about how looking alike isn’t the ONLY way that people are part of a family.
I guess I just share that to say there is no telling what James will think when he is older about sharing traits with his older sister. But regardless, he will know and love Maddie. Sometimes he may feel especially connected to her because someone says they look alike, and sometimes he may feel especially annoyed because she’s a girl and hes a boy. But you are right that “Our looks tie us together but are only a tiny part of what makes us who we are.” How you look doesn’t make you a family. You are a family because you love each other, and Maddie is a part of all of you, every day, through that love!