For Valentine’s Day 2005, Mike took me to pick out my very own puppy. Yeah, he gave me a PUPPY for Valentine’s Day. So awesome. The second I saw my little Rigby, I knew she was mine. We took her home and oh, how I snuggled her. She was the perfect little puppy. One night I was playing with her in my bedroom, and she suddenly froze, then started barking ferociously (well, as ferociously as a maltese puppy can bark). I followed her line of vision and realized she was staring at a stuffed eagle Mike had from a Halloween costume (Richie Tenenbaum & his hawk Mordecai).

Meet Mordecai (Mike couldn’t find a stuffed hawk, so an eagle had to do).

I brought Mordecai, which was bigger than she was, down from the shelf so Rigby could inspect it. Instead of sniffing it, she attacked it. She grabbed it by the neck, shook it around, and basically “killed it.”

And then she humped it.

I immediately yelled for Mike. Rigby was only about four months old at this point. We flipped her over to make sure she was, in fact, a girl dog. I told him we had to get Rigby fixed immediately. So we did, and after Rigby recovered from the indignity of her forced hysterectomy, she went right back to humping Mordecai.

To be honest, once Mike and I got over the shock of our little fluffy frilly girl dog humping a stuffed animal, we thought it was hilarious. We would bring out Mordecai when we had guests, our own pornographic party trick. Rigby freaking loved Mordecai to pieces. Literally. Rigby uh, bit the nose off Mordecai. Some sort of weird black-widow behavior. So we turned to eBay and bought her another one. And another, and another, and now we are on our fifth Mordecai.

Rigby gets plenty of exercise. She could come back from a two mile walk, run into our house, and hump the crap out of that bird. It’s like her stress release. Some people pop open a beer to relax, Rigby has sex with a stuffed animal. I just realized I’m going to get some ridiculous google hits off of this post. Hi, creeps!

Mike and I have no idea how we’re going to explain this to Maddie when she gets old enough to ask. Totally at a loss.

Oh, what? You want to see some sweet sweet dog on bird lovin’? Well, since most of you won’t come to our house, here ya go.