As soon as we had keys to our new house, my parents were off renting a truck. They’ve been storing some of my furniture for years and were VERY excited to bring it over. Our guest room is now all set up! It needs some decoration but it’s a fully-functioning bedroom now.
After Mike and I moved some other stuff into the house we went over to my aunt’s place for a family birthday dinner. It’s nice to be close to home cooking! Once we’d eaten the cake and ice cream and watched all the presents be opened, we invited everyone over to see our house.
It’s fun to give tours, although the house is empty so I say “and here is where the couch will go! Here is where the bed will go!” Without any furniture, the house is very echo-y and you KNOW Annabel loves to hear her voice bounce off the walls. My ears hurt.
I took my brother, his boyfriend Sebastian, my dad, and Annie into the backyard and started pointing out the various fruit trees. I suddenly heard Annie say, “Boidie! Hiiiii boidie!” I looked back to see what she was talking about since it was too dark for any non-creepy bird activity. Nestled in the corner created by the chimney and the house was a bird. It looked like this:
(the role of the bird will be played by Hokey Pokey Elmo)
The bird was cooing, and Sebastian said, “It’s a dove! What a great sign!”
I wasn’t so sure. There’s something unwholesome about a bird out after dark.
I lead the tour around the side of the house, where there are more fruit trees. When we walked back by the chimney, the bird had turned its back to us.
“We have to go inside now, Annie. Tell the birdie night night!”
“Ni ni, boidie! Boidie! Ni niiiiiii!”
We said goodbye to our guests and went to the guest room to sleep – our first night in our house.
The next morning, Annie and I woke up before Mike, so the two of us took Rigby outside to do her morning business. I followed Rigby while Annie wandered away. While I watched Rigby do her thing I heard, “Boidie! HIIIIIII BOIDIE! Boidie! Boidie?”
I saw this:
Freaking bird was dead.
Elmo’s reenactment is uncanny. He has the bird’s wide-open blank stare NAILED.
I grabbed the dog and grabbed Annie by the elbow and dragged them both inside. I didn’t think Annie had touched the bird, but I scrubbed her hands and arms with hot soapy water for five solid minutes just to be safe. Then I called my dad and said,
“OMG THE BIRD IS DEAD IT WASN’T SLEEPING IT CAME HERE TO DIE OMG COME GET RID OF IT BRING A SHOVEL!”
Then I remembered Mike was still sleeping. I wasn’t going to allow him to be unconscious while our Good-Sign Dove lay dead in our backyard! I woke him up gently:
“THE FREAKING BIRD IS DEAD WAKE UUUUUUUUP!”
“I had a feeling the bird wasn’t well.”
“WHAT! THANKS FOR TELLING ME!”
I then sat in the corner until my dad came over to give the bird a proper burial (aka, throw it really far up the hill).
Every day since then I’ve hesitantly walked the property, afraid to find another dead animal. If I find out we bought Pet Cemetery, I’m gonna be pissed.
Ah, the joys of home ownership! Congratulations and good luck!!
Well, just think Sweets…..it could be worse!!! A few weeks ago, one of our dogs got sprayed by a skunk at 11:50 p.m. FUN STUFF!!!! The following afternoon after deciding to go out for a swim, my son found the skunk in the middle of the yard….DEAD in all it’s glory!!! I guess Holden got his revenge which was SHOCKING b/c he’s a LOVER not a FIGHTER!!
So gross! Any ways, we do live near some beautiful coves so I guess I shouldn’t be all that surprised but this is the 1st skunk we’ve had. I must admit however, we have had some nice visits (the BEST is when they fall in the pool and need to be rescued) from some racoons, mice, moles, squirls and of course birds.
Aaaahhh NATURE and Owning your own home….Your Adventure has JUST begun!!!! ENJOY MY DEAR FRIEND…..ENJOY!!!
When Miss H was about 2 1/2, she used to look out the kitchen window at our country home. She loved the barn swallows and I used to her ‘boidies’ a lot… until one day she said ‘boidie peeeeeces, mommmy, boidie peeeeeces’
cat had dismembered a bird on the porch.
dead birds are gross, creepy, night time, ‘stand in the corner like the Blair Witch Project’ birds are creepier
“Blair Witch Project Birds” – LOL!!!!! Too funny!
Anthony from CharismaticKid says:
Don’t worry about this… and then watch this. You WILL crap your pantaloons: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Nn0UkdDArM
OMFG i need to go shower now
I’m sure you didn’t buy a pet cemetery. However, if one day you find Annie staring at static on the TV and she says, “They’re heeeere!”, MOVE!
This post is vintage Spohr. And I don’t even know what vintage Spohr is.
I love all your posts, every one. The happy sad good bad bereft horrible beautiful … all of them. They are all as magnificent as you.
But my GOD do you do funny.
Consider yourself lucky. We have a serial killer cat that leaves squirrel heads in our backyard. The first time it happened it freaked me the eff out. Unfortuantely, since it’s “your” yard, you can only ignore dead animals for so long before the dog will pick it up or rub it’s entire body on it because it stinks – I know, GROSS!
PS- the bird facing the corner totally reminded me of the ending of Blair Witch. (((chills)))
Ewwww. I would have done the same thing, called my dad! Although, if it was my dog out there, there wouldn’t be time, she’d be ALL OVER THAT.
O.M.G. – Elmo plays the role of dead bird really well!
Also, dead doves on your porch are totally good luck!
This is SO funny. I love your sense of humor.
Ok, my 11 year old is dying laughing!!! Especially about throwing the bird up the hill!
I’m glad Rigby is a “city dog”… I had a daschund (weenie dog, whatever!)… and he would find all kinds of dead animals and bring them to me. Not fun! He even brought a deer leg once – he was 15lbs MAX carrying a big ol’ damn deer leg across the porch – what a sight.
My old house was a squirrel death trap. I found Squirrel #1 impaled on a tree branch, half its fur hanging off, with its evil little buck teeth staring down at me. Squirrel #2 just walked up while my husband was out in the yard, and then dropped dead.
OMG- That’s funny! The squirrel just walked up to him and died! Ha!
Delurking momentarily to add my 2 cents…
2) Unfortunately I’m not sure the dead things are the worst thing about home ownership, at least where we live. Our first house was a split level on a wooded lot in suburban MA. Over the 9 years that we lived there we found the following LIVE critters in the house: 4 flying squirrels, 3 bats, 1 bird, many many red squirrels (in the attic), and too many mice to count.
I still have vivid memories of hearing noises coming from the downstairs laundry room one day while I was alone in the house. Upon venturing downstairs (broom in hand) I found a flying squirrel in the washing machine. I locked it in the laundry room until hubby got home, and then got to watch as he chased it around the house (fyi, they really can “fly”) trying to catch it in a bucket. He succeeded, and the squirrel was transported to the other side of town. (Across one river & a major highway… those suckers are worse than homing pigeons.) Hubby also got quite good at catching bats. I think they were living in the chimney, and on one memorable occasion buzzed us while we were watching tv.
On the plus side, we haven’t had nearly the same volume of critters invading our new house. I have a son just about Annie’s age, and he strikes terror into the hearts of mammals everywhere, so that could be the reason.
We bought our first house in June and there was a dead bird in our fireplace – IN the house! Besides that the house has been wonderful, must mean good luck… that’s what I tell myself anyway.
So, I hate birds. I have no sympathy for the dead bird. Sorry you (or Annie) had to find it and deal with it’s disposal. What I love the most is Elmo’s role as the dead bird. It has been a bright spot in an otherwise craptastic morning! So thank you for that!
Barefeet In The Kitchen says:
ha ha ha ha ha ha, sorry about the bird, but this post totally cracked me up. I LOVE that you called your dad to deal with the corpse.
I hate seeing dead birds since Im a bird lover. I hope elmos feet were washed as well after he was palced in the corner.lol
The first house my husband and I lived in, had an old fashioned attic. Actual door, and stair case up to the third floor attic area. We never went up there because it wasn’t finished, and we used the basement for storage.
My daughter went exploring when she was about eight, and found several dead pigeons up there.
Dude, gotta say – I think I’d rather see the bird than that Elmo.
Hee hee – I took a picture of the bird, I’d be HAPPY to send it to you!
Ha! I’ve been reading your blog for like two years, and never commented, and my first one ever is a request for a picture of a dead bird. Class-y.
Also -sounds like Annie’s working on her Brooklyn accent with the boidee there
You are correct. Elmo just doesn’t look right face down.. Crepy, but funny..
That bird is most likely haunting your house now. Just so you know.
CRAP. I was totally afraid of that.
We had a dead duck in our backyard in Virginia. My dog rubbed her face all over it before we realized what she was rubbing on. My husband disposed of it, and then a couple days later my dog developed a weird spot on her face. I was convinced it was from the dead duck, but the vet never confirmed that for me (luckily meds cleared it up).
Hahaha, love this post! Reminds me of how hard I used to laugh at some of your older posts. You are a funny lady!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Not funny that the good luck dove died, but the way you tell it is a crackup. Made me laugh out loud.
Our old dog killed 2 squirrels in our garden in quick succession soon after we moved in:
1)Dog barked and chased and squirrel dropped dead;
2)Dog looked at squirrel, it froze and never moved again (snigger).
Our new dogs are lab collie crosses and the one that is much more a lab in nature found a dead seagull on the field. He picked it up in his mouth and trotted over to my husband with its wings trailing on the floor. I’m sure you would have been impressed!
LOL, at that photo of Annie with a “dead” Elmo! =P
Nay, for the bird dying at your house, but YAY for sleeping in your new house already! =D
You are so funny! My 13 year old daughter and I adore you and your family!! Congratulations on your new home!
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
I’m going to Google “dead dove near house” and see what comes up. Wanna know what I find?
I’m sure it’s not a bad omen…I actually had a bird fly in front of my car windshield and then DROP DEAD on the hood. It would not fall off, so I had to pull over and brush it off with a napkin! Oh yeah – this happened on my BIRTHDAY. It was actually a good day (or maybe everything just seemed good after the way the day started). Congrats on the new house – it’s gorgeous!
I know the feeling! The first 2 weeks I lived in my house I had 2 birds die in my backyard! The first I made my brother throw away because he was around to do that. The 2nd I had to deal with myself-YUCK. No dead birds since then so I am pretty sure with only 1 dead bird you are good! Welcome to homeownership!
HiLARious!! Reminds me of a cat we had growing up that loved to come up to me when I’d be lounging on my bed and I’d reach over to pet her just as she vomited up bird parts, frog parts, etc. Happened more than once! Could never trust that cat to do the right thing!!
I am so happy to hear about your house — I know you will have many happy, (dead) bird-free memories there!!
I think the bird chose to die there because it was a loving and happy backyard. Yep!
Poor little guy…. but you are so right about no bird activity after dark being good. One night, I thought there was a bird trapped in our porch, so I went outside to investigate and it was a freaking BAT! I was too afraid to walk under it to get back inside, because I was sure it would swoop down and get trapped in my hair, so I did what any sensible Mama would do and hopped the fence in the back and ran to the front door as fast as I could. Did I mention I was 7 months pregnant? Sorry about that baby! Mommy does not do bats!!
One day my son came home from Kindergarten calling out “look what I found.” I was expecting a cool rock, or snail shell but it was a dead mouse that he’d carried home! And not just any little house mouse – a field mouse, the size of a rat. He’d found it on the side of the fields, and wanted to bury it. EEEEEEKKKKKKKK
I recently found your blog after becoming a new mom, love reading your posts, this one cracked me up especially your last line about pet cemetery and your girls are beautiful, I love reading about both of them, your little girl maddie lives on, I smile just looking at her big gorgeous eyes….god bless….
I thought of this post today when my husband pointed out the bat in our tree. I thought “what is a bat doing out in daylight unless it has rabies?” we left and when we came back, the bat was gone. Until my husband found it dead in our yard. Of all the trees it picked ours to die in.