Dear Mr. Spider,
I had big plans for the day. I was going to shower, take a walk, run some errands. And then I saw you, there, on the wall. Just hanging out with your smug attitude. Normally in situations like these I would summon my husband, but he wasn’t home. So I put on my big girl panties and got the vacuum. That’s when you regrettably decided to move into an unknown location. Not cool, Spider. Not. Cool. I’m giving you approximately an hour to vacate the premises. I’ve left the front door open for you.
Well, here it is, two hours later, and you haven’t left out the front door. I know, because the baby and I have been standing on this chair watching for you the entire time. I even gave you an extra hour as you probably move slow on account of your freakishly gigantic size. We appear to be at a crossroads. So you can either leave now, or I will be forced to vacuum every nook and cranny of this home, and that sounds really labor intensive. Please, just leave. I’m tired of standing on this chair.
Giant Creepy Thing,
OK. I give up. I can’t live with a Spider, this place is too small as it is. So you win. The place is yours. We keep the toilet paper under the sink, the silverware is in the third drawer on the left, and I hope you like Lean Cuisines and cereal because that’s all we have in the house. Also, the neighbors will be suspicious of you, so proceed with caution. We’ve enjoyed our time here, I’m sure you will, too.
My husband has come home and informed me that we are not giving you our home, so I guess this means we’re going to cohabitate. Clearly, we need some ground rules. I have taken the liberty of drawing up ours.
~ You will never be in charge of the remote control.
~ You are never allowed to go near me, the baby, or the dog.
~ You ARE allowed to go near Mike, especially when he has a newspaper in his hand.
~ Eating on the couch is never allowed.
~ Don’t leave your webs all over the house, my mother already thinks I don’t dust enough.
Dear Mr. Spider,
Living together clearly wasn’t meant to be. After nagging Mike until he lost his mind, he searched our place until he found you. I wish you the best of luck with your new residence, wherever the flushed toilet water takes you. Let me know when you settle and I’ll forward your mail.
Hee hee hee I loved that! Very well written.
I once woke my husband up when I found a GIANT spider in the bath and he was supposed to be having a lie in. It was too big to fit down the plug hole so what else was I supposed to do?!
I HATE SPIDERS!
Everytime I see one I por bleach on the son of a b*tch
haha spiders freak me out too!
Mr. Spider says:
Thank you for letting me stay in your nice home. I had a great time looking around but you need to stock up on my Wii games. The selection you have is horrible and Mario Cart only held my interest for so long.
The Lean Cuisines were nice but I’m on a low-carb diet and they just don’t have enough protein for my taste so I’ll stick to flies and beetles.
The waterslide was wonderful. I hope to ride it again.
See you soon!
Marti from Michigan says:
Ha ha, that’s cute!! :^D
I think The Amazing Annabel needs to tackle the next spider who has the nerve to show his face in your home. It might make a good episode for the series
I totally agree! Annabel has this covered!
Marti from Michigan says:
Gah!! I hate spiders with a passion!!! I put on my big girl panties and get a huge wad of paper towels (tissues are too thin), grab the spider, squeeze as hard as I can, then toss the paper towels deep in the wastebasket! Then as soon as I can, I take the trash out so the spider cannot possibly reincarnate!
I guess the only spider I “like” is the one in the book Charlotte’s Web. That was a nice spider. And I used to sing the song “The eensie weensie spider…..” to my daughter when she was little. I guess that’s OK too.
Bravo for Mike getting rid of it!!
Carrie P. says:
AACKKK!! I hate spiders, too! Glad Mike found the sucker and flushed it down the toilet!
LMAO – I kill spiders all by myself – but GHEKKOS are a different thing!!! I HATE THEM!
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
Sooo funny! I agree, the Amazing Annabel should have come to the rescue
My mother hates moths, couldnt deal with them and I became afraid of them. Likewise with spiders.
I slowly developed a trick with them, if I saw them first I wasnt scared! Dont ask me how I knew but I knew when they had seen me first.
I now have two children who have taken GIANT spiders into school in jars (hehehehehe) and played with slugs and snails in the garden.
I am teaching my youngest not to be frightened of all things creepy and crawly by saying that she is far bigger than it and so it must be more scared of her.
So, Heather, show your daughter how brave you are and remember you are much bigger than the spider. Soon you’ll be picking them up and dropping them out of the window just like me! But dont step on them in barefeet, the crunch isnt nice
HAHA! OH MY GAWD!!!! LOL. I have never laughed so hard so early in the morning (6am here). Thanks for sharing.
LoL! I reeeaaallly needed to laugh right now so this is great! Glad you don’t have to worry about the spider anymore. I don’t mind them at all other than when we lived in Simi Valley, we did get a black widow in our bedroom. I made my husband flush that one. He wanted to put it outside, but I’ve heard they multiply freakishly so I wasn’t comfortable with that. So good for Mike – or rather good for you for nagging him until he got yours out, whatever kind it was.
Thank God you did not post a picture. What kind was it? Do you have huntsmen over there? THEY ARE SO FRICKING SCARY HEATHER.
I am terrified of spiders. I even cry and shake uncontrollably. It’s pathetic.
You said nothing to him about avoiding your secret peanut butter stash!
Or is that implied with rule number four?
I can handle a spider, but OMG put a cockroach in front of me and I might have a heart attack!! I totally understand!
What a great post. I came across your blog sometime ago (can’t remember from where) and enjoy your writing. This post cracks me up. How funny. I could feel myself in your shoes, for real.
This was a great post. My S.O. cannot for the life of him understand my absolutely paralyzing fear of insects. ESPECIALLY spiders! They are the creepiest, scariest, most disgusting things in the whole world. I’d rather be covered in writhing snakes than have to even come into physical contact of any kind with a spider!
I kinda feel like a freak because I was secretly wishing for a photo of the spider action.
I vacuumed up a spider one time…. then I had to leave the vacuum outside until Hubby got home because… what if the spider crawled out of the bag back into the house and I didn’t know it???
HA! You crack me up! I love it!!
HAHA So glad that you feel the same way about spiders as I do. When my husband is deployed I throw stuff at it until it dies (I have remarkably good aim). I also once killed a cockroach with a sledgehammer on the living room molding- when we moved I had to pain over embedded roach. bugs. Gross.
You need a spider killer who lives nearby… my best friend calls me when her husband isn’t home. Nothing quite like a women, nine months pregnant, perched on a stool screaming ‘bleh! kill it!’
I used to have a seven-toed cat who was terrific for spider-killing. If I could knock the spider to the floor, I’d simply have to call Crash, he’d immediately size up the situation and eat the spider. Crashie’s been gone a few years now, but my pup Roscoe seems not to mind taking over the spider-eating duties in my house.
I could arrange for Rigby to get some pointers…
Lisa @ lists in my pocket says:
Hahaha this is hilarious. I can definitely relate though!
HAHA I feel the same way about spiders. If I find them in the bathtub I try and drown them and wash them down the drain
BUT the worst is when you are already in the shower and you spot one. I either jump out of the shower as fast as I can. Or if I really need this shower, I have to keep one eye on the spider, while trying to hurry and finish. Making sure he don’t move or get any closer.
OMG You crack me up! I love every single one of your posts! You seem like a realllllly fun person to just hang out with!
Ahh, I hate the unrest that comes with knowing their are creepy crawlies in the home.
Last Christmas, there were spiders in my tree and I didn’t notice them until they virtually took over my home. I could not rest until they were gone – it was quite a mission and I am still weary from it.
OMG! LOL!! You would SOOOO get along with my cousin. She tried to kill us one day when we were on our way to work here in DC. A teeny, no bigger than the head of a pin, spider dropped down from the rearview mirror. She freaked & was climbing out of the car. Car still going, still in drive, middle of 3 lanes of rush hour traffic. Worst part was SHE WAS THE ONE DRIVING!!
Love this. Spiders suck…
I couldn’t be that funny if I tried.
My best friend and I famously stopped short in the middle of the road one night because there was a spider in the car, on the windshield. (Small town, no one coming in either direction, don’t worry.) Everyone knows that with a slanty windshield, the chances of you killing the spider are very small, but the chances of the spider falling and landing on you are almost certain. I really can’t think of too many worse things than a spider running loose on me. All those legs, ugh!
This is such a funny post.
John and I like to pretend that we have a “truce” with all the spiders in the area, and that I’ll only kill them (or ask him to) if they violate the terms of the truce – something they do too often. But they leave me no choice when that happens.
Laura L says:
This is exactly what I go through when I find a spider. Thank you for starting my day off with a smile!
Standing on a chair, clutching Annie and Rigby, scanning the room for arachnids sounds like a great way to spend the day. I’ve had worse.
I loathe spiders. I had the scariest, freak-me-the-f-out, experience with a jumping spider about the size of a child’s head when I lived in Florida. That was about 10 or so years ago and I still shake and get totally freaked out when I think about it. Ugh, I HATE spiders. I’m glad Mike tracked down your spider and sent him to his rightful place down the toilet.
At least you had Mike to find him. Last time there was a bug in my room, I kept a boy friend on the phone for 2 hours while i screamed about how scared I was to spray it with air freshener (my mom taught me that it works just as well as Raid). Oh, did I mention it was 1am? He (both the bug and the boy) was NOT pleased.
So long sucker spider!
XOXO from GA,
The other day when I came to work, there was a giant hairy spider on the lock of the door. I think it was a sign that I needed to go home for the day. Then a maintenance man came and flung it away, so I had to go in the building….C’est la vie.
Trisha Vargas says:
Spiders are my least favorite critter to find lurking about in the house. I would have lost sleep and drove my husband crazy until he found it and took care of it.
We have spiders down here in Florida that have to be on steroids. I once walked into a web in my back yard that had a banana spider living in it quite comfortably. The web stretched from the corner of our house across to a tree about 20′ away. He was the size of a small Toyota and I think that’s the fastest I’ve ever ran.
We couldn’t figure out why for the past few nights our lab was going ape shit barking at the back window. Lucky we caught him while he was still outside and hadn’t figured a way in yet, but I am sure he was working on a plan.
Glad you got it out of the house! I would have went to a hotel
(((HUGS))) from Florida
OMG I don’t think I have laughed so hard in awhile, that was great and hilarious. That is how I feel about spiders as well so it touched home. And I too hound my husband till he finds them and they are taken to their new homes. I just love the way you write you always say what I’m thinking but can never get out in some situations haha.
cindy w says:
Hey, at least your husband takes care of the bugs in your house. Dave refuses to kill them, but he’ll pick them up WITH HIS BARE HANDS and put them outside. That freaks me out so badly that I don’t bother to get him at all, I just kill them myself. Why put it outside? So it can just try to come in again? No way, man. Any bug that crosses the threshold of my front door forfeits its right to live.
I was cracking up reading these!! Glad to hear Mike found the spider.
But spiders eat the other bugs! Like mosquitoes and buzzy things! In our house we have a live and let live attitude unless they’re hanging over the bed or near the food. Then they get captured and released to the wild (the other side of the fence in the neighbour’s yard).
Did you see the spider go down the toilet? Sometimes I worry my husband just tells me he found and killed it to make me calm again
Spiders HATE lemon. Spritz your windowsills, doors, etc with lemon water and it will keep the spiders away.
I guess your mom didn’t read you Be Nice To Spiders?
Adventures In Babywearing says:
Have you ever read this post by Beth (I Should Be Folding Laundry about the Big Brown spider?) My favorite. http://www.ishouldbefoldinglaundry.com/2007/09/some-pig.html
rachel cortest says:
You are a freaking riot. You would never survive in Oklahoma where the heat index is 115 due to humidity and BUGS LOVE HUMIDITY.
Bleh! I don’t like spiders either. I would have freaked out wondering where the heck that thing went, too. Spiders are disgusting!
Momma Lioness Michele says:
I’m now scanning the corners and walls of this room to make sure no creepy-crawlies are here – I hate when you see one, and then it’s gone – *shivers* – good for Mike for taking care of it! I’m trying to teach my son to respect animals and bugs if they are outside, but inside the house – they gotta go. Don’t blame you at all for standing on a chair with Annie & Rigby until Mike came home!
Wishing you a spider-less day!
Maddie and Annie’s mommy is quite the wonderful storyteller!!!! Loved it!
OOPS……….should have read Maddie’s
Heather, this was hilarious! Things like this are what inspired to create this blog: olliestails.blogspot.com! I’m not trying to advertise it
Anyways, I love it when I stumble across a blog with a writer as creative as you!
Beth and Melinda says:
I am terrified if spiders too
Heather, that was hilarious! It’s blogs like these that made me want to go a create olliestails.blogspot.com.
I just LOVE it when I stumble across blogs like this one. You are so creative and are just yourself and no one else!
I keep Raid in just about EVERY room in the apartment so that I can get to it without taking my eyes off whatever it is that I’m planning to soak with it. It works for me, but might not work so well with a baby running around – I’ve trained the dogs so that they’re afraid of the cans (Pavlovian training involving making them sniff the can and then making a loud noise to scare them…) I know it sounds mean, but I can’t NOT have Raid everywhere in the house, and I’d rather use it to kill spiders than my dogs…
Just, you know, saying. I understand. I’m crazy about spiders, too (but not in a good “crazy about” way…)
Denise Jones says:
I LOVE the geckos; however, the only ‘good’ spider is a dead one. And they’re even creepy when they’re dead. I’ve sent many a creepy crawly spider on a cruise down the toilet!
Catherine Lucas says:
I used to call on the dragonslayers next door when I lived alone with my kids. None of us dared kill a spider.
Now that I have grown up a little bit, I just throw a heavy book on it and wait till Mr Wonderful comes home to take care of the remains.
And I do feel guilty for it, as they are really good animals… Why can’t they just stay outside of our homes? The world would be a happier place…
If the spider’s in the tub, you can spray it with hairspray and light it with a match. Doesn’t hurt the tub at all!
You are TOO funny! I can just see you and Annie huddled in a corner.
This was so great and creative. I love it. It gave me a giggle this morning. I know how you feel though in those situations. What’s a girl to do with a big spider? My big girl underwear are usually dirty and I hate doing laundry so you handled it better than I could have.
Just reading your letters to Dear Mr, Spider gave me the Hebbie Jebbie’s..I refuse to read any comments from your dear readers because I know they have stories of their own and I would like to sleep in peace tonight.
Completly Creeped Out
I found a snake skin on my front steps the other day and almost fainted!. I am sure it came from a tiny little garter snake, but in my mind it must have come from a deadly cobra . I kicked it into the flower bed, and when I came out in the morning it was gone. That freaked me out too, knowing something is in my flowers eating snake skins. Give me spiders anyday and I will give you snakes.
Repeat after me, snakes are good. It means you don’t have mice which for me would be a way worse problem.
I am an arachnaphobe. Reading this post has given me the heebie jeebies. I think Mr. needs to check our home for Mr. Spider to make sure he was not flushed all the way to Iowa.
oh man, a similar incident to this occured last night, with some huge superbeetle that i am convinced was genetically engineered by science to steal my thoughts. yick. ;p
Alison Hunt says:
I always leave the spiders…or scoop them up and throw them outside. They trap and eat the more annoying things like FLYS and ants and rolly polys and other creepy crawlies.
Your just soooo made my day, it was pretty crappy tille I read your letters to the spider and laughed out loud so hard that im actually crying…
Thanx for the laughs
I have vacuumed many a spider in my day.
Then, I leave the vacuum running for ten minutes….just in case.
I have also woken my husband, and pointed them out.
Hah! I loved this! I *so* hate and despise spiders, insects, roaches, you name it. I have two cats, but whenever they see a bug, they just watch it: heaven forbid their keen, hunter-like instincts kick in and allow them to kill it. No. They just. STARE. at it. Bah!
That is hilarious! And I totally understand.
So cute! I just usually pick them up with a tissue and throw them outside. I always feel guilty if I flush them.
You are so funny…
You wouldn’t last at our house. We live in an old farm house in the woods. Too many critters to count. My girly girl 5 year old hates spiders too. She screams as she stomps them. My son goes spider hunting in my laundry room for fun.
A great way to kill a spider, or any bug for that matter, is to spray it with Lysol. Makes your house smell yummy, too!
Eric's Mommy says:
That was hilarious Heather!! I hate spiders!
Did Mike really find the spider? Did you see it? I’m just thinking that my husband might pretend to find it and put on a good show just so that he could quit the search. I’d ask for proof.
Natalie @ Hope Springs Eternal says:
If this were Facebook, I would *like* this about a hundred times.
julie k h says:
I don’t think I’ve ever commented, but I almost did a spit take as I finished reading. This would have been unfortunate seeing as I just got my laptop on Tuesday.
“or I will be forced to vacuum every nook and cranny of this home, and that sounds really labor intensive.”
Heather, I know I say this all the time, but I can’t help it– you’re freakin’ hilarious!!
Amanda M. says:
Ha, it’s like you were in my house last Tuesday and made an entry about it. Keep out, giant creepy spiders!!
This totally cracked me up – Totally!!
Jen L. says:
HA! I think that spider may have lived at our house when we moved in. I would not set foot on our deck for a week after he was squished. Glad Mike saved the day!
We moved into a house that was infested with the biggest, hairiest, ugliest, FASTEST spiders in all the world. There were days I would race around the laundry room screaming my head off and I finally refused to go downstairs without shoes on. We then called an exterminator who came and hosed down our house with 6 gallons of deltamethrin- an insect neurotoxin which is still working a year later albeit a bit slower than before. The spiders used to touch it and die within seconds, but now they wander around in circles until death sets in. I’m all for chemical warfare when it comes to spiders.
I’m glad you have a reliable spider killer at your house. Every home should have one.
Your post was hilarious!
OMGGG. Spiders are my biggest fear. 2 Saturdays ago, I woke up and started straightening up the house.. something caught my attention out of my right eye so i turned my head and BAAAM!!! A SPIDER crawling up my back!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! i shook and shook and did the ‘eeww get the spider off me dance’. I’m traumatized. Still.
I seriously busted out laughing at this.
I hate spiders and will yell for someone else to kill it while I’m standing on a high object.
Your just to funny. Spiders are creepy and I’m glad Mike was able to flush yours. Hope you have a better day tomorrow!
I would be careful with that vacuum cleaner. We used to have ‘house centipedes’ in college. (if you don’t know what these are, they are much worse than spiders – more legs and MUCH faster.) Anyway, we had the great vacuum hose idea and I was nominated to do the job. So I sucked that monster up and was feeling pretty good about myself until it CRAWLED BACK OUT the end of the hose. Oh. My. God. I almost lost it. I contemplated moving out that very night so, either we had a crappy vacuum or I would watch out. Just sayin.
Alas, I can barely enjoy this posts for all the flashbacks it’s given me. I bet they didn’t have spiders in (on?) Gattaca.
ewww spiders.. eww ewww ewwww
bahahaha! Just READING about this makes me cringe. UGH I HATE THEM! But, you are hysterical, as always
Only look at this picture if you want to completely freak out, http://mythoughtsideasandramblings.com/2008/10/25/its-a-bird-its-a-plane-no-its-a-spider/
But I don’t like spiders either!
OH GOD, WHY DID I LOOK?? WHYYY???!!!!!!
living in australia has made me a serious spider warrior.
Trisha G says:
Must be a buggie day. I broke the door knob on our front door because I opened the door to go outside and a grasshopper was on the door. I shut it quickly thinking he would jump off and go on his merry way but nooooo…… he was still there. I then shut the door REALLY hard and decided I didn’t need to go out. A couple of minutes later my son came home and the door wouldn’t open. I had to tell my hubby what I did. He had to get a screw driver out and take the knob off the door. He has to go to the hardware store tomorrow and get a “thingy”(that is what I think he called it). I wanted to ask him if my little friend was still on the door but I don’t think that would have gone over well.
I applaud you for not having a massive meltdown on the spot. Had it been me in my house with my baby, a giant spider, and NO husband to vanquish the beast, I would have freaked. out.
And THEN I would have gone completely ape sh!t and attacked the thing, for fear of it eating my poor defenseless baby. There would have been holes in the walls. And fire burns.
So moral of the story, you are brave for not losing your mind, and me + spiders = WWIII.
Oh. My. God. We are kindred, spider-hating spirits, Heather. Particularly last night when I was helping my 4 year old son with his shower and THE LARGEST SPIDER I HAVE EVER SEEN PROCEEDED TO CLIMB OUT OF THE DRAIN. I repeat: Oh. My. God. The panic that ensued. My husband turned the shower off to let a VERY LARGE amount of water “wash the spider out!” as the song goes. Let me tell you, the song is LYING. A few minutes later I started showering my son again and THE TERROR ON 8 LEGS CLIMBED BACK OUT OF THE DRAIN. OH. MY. GOD. Someone please send reinforcements. I need help!
Sorry, I didn’t realize my comment went through two times!
I love this post.
Seeing a huge spider is terrifying enough. Losing sight of that spider can drive you straight into insanity.
That was fantastic! I’m sorry you had to go through such an ordeal. If it were me, baby & I would have probably been at a hotel by the time Daddy got home! Glad it all ended happily (except for the spider, that is – and he got what he deserved, you gave him lots of warning!).
This is me and my relationship with mice/rats. I can’t even talk about it b/c I am breaking out in hives…
All the last letter made me think was: “Oh boy, I hope that thing doesn’t choose to crawl back OUT of the toilet whenever anyone’s SITTING on it…”
I think Mr. Spider survived the flush and moved in with me!