Yesterday I wrote about taking Annie to a movie for the first time. The whole experience was about doing something with Annabel that we’d done with her sister. We don’t ever want Annie to look back on my chronicle of our lives with her sister and say, “how come you didn’t do that with me?” Am I overcompensating? Prooooobably.
Anyway, some of the comments took me by surprise. They were super judgey that the Mom Movie was rated PG-13. The Mom Movie is only offered once a week, and if you want to attend then you see what is playing. The theatres are not dark and the sound is down low enough that you almost can’t hear it over all the kids. It is an awesome few hours for parents who need to get out of the house. While I DID want to see Harry Potter (I’ve read all the books multiple times), it was just a fortunate coincidence that it was the movie playing on the day that fit our schedule.
Now. I know by writing this here blog and allowing responses I’m inviting people to comment on my life. I’ve been blogging for almost ten years so I think I’ve seen just about everything. I don’t need people to agree with everything I say, I have a husband for that. And I guess…I am disappointed.
Why are moms ALWAYS picking on each other? It’s not about taking Annie to a movie, it’s about moms in general. Why do we feel like it’s appropriate and right to tell another mom “you’re doin’ it wrong?!” Is it so we can feel better about our own parenting? Superior in some way? I’m guilty – I’ve certainly written the words, “OMG! You can’t do that with your child!”
Key words: YOUR CHILD.
Is it the Internet that emboldens us? Would we be so judgmental face to face? Would I end so many sentences with question marks? I DO NOT KNOW.
I’m gonna be bold and say that most parents are making the decisions they feel are right for their children. If Annie had been disturbed or frightened by the movie you bet your bippy we’d have peaced out right away. But she wasn’t. She was much more interested in feeding me popcorn (best new trick EVER) and walking up the stairs of the theatre and generally doing anything BUT watch the movie. Probably because the movie didn’t star Elmo, Abby, or Muno. Or because she is eighteen months old and doesn’t know her foot from her butt (but we’re working on it!).
What works for one family will not work for another. Mike started going to movies before he could walk, and saw Rated R movies in elementary school. Now he’s a writer with an amazing imagination. My mom took me to my first rock concert when I was seven, and I grew up singing and playing instruments. I would be thrilled if Annie was a writer. I’d be thrilled if Annie loved to sing. I’d also be thrilled if she grew up to be a wizard because magic is awesoooooommmme.
Can we all agree that none of us are parenting experts? How about we focus on being nice and supportive instead of snarky know-it-alls? How about I stop using question marks?
Krystal says:
Loooove this!!! My 6 year old loves Harry to death, how could I deprive him of this movie? I started reading him the books when he was a baby, out of boredom of nursery rhymes and baby books, then last year introduced him to the movies! He is a Potter fan through and through!
Jen @ Mommy Instincts says:
I always try my best to says “if it were MY kid, I would/wouldn’t {insert activity/situation/event/etc here}, but since it’s YOUR’S, do as you wish.” I also try to not judge in the first place, because (for the most part) we as parents are just trying our hardest to do what’s best for our kids AND ourselves. And sometimes, you just need to see a damn movie, right?
Ps can’t wait to see the new Harry Potter!!
Melissa says:
But you dont think that is being all Judgy McJudgerson?
Jen @ Mommy Instincts says:
Actually, no….I don’t. What makes you think of it as judgey?
Neeroc says:
Hopping in because I’ve been late getting to my blog reading and you didn’t get an answer.
I think the difficulty with comments where it might be easy to see judgement is that your tone is not conveyed. So a comment stating ‘well I wouldn’t…’ doesn’t start off supportive and may be perceived as conveying superiority and ‘do as you wish’ might be seen as endowing permission where it wasn’t requested. And really, if all you’re trying to say is ‘glad you had fun’ (I’ll be seeing it on my own – adult time!) or (HP doesn’t thrill me) why not just say that, it’s shorter anyways *g*
Brittanie says:
Ugh. Judgey people can suck it. You and Mike are incredible parents and sincerely an amazing example. There is so much love, passion, sincerity, adventure, humor and thought in your parenting. Your girls never knew or will know a day where they are anything less than unconditionally loved. You keep on kick ass Sphohr’s. It’s clear that you want nothing more than a full life, endless love and encouragement for Annie to grow and flourish into exactly the beautiful, unique, spirited, sweet girl she’s already becoming and the young lady she will become who will fill her children with the love, spirit, happiness and adventure y’all gave and guided her with. (I’m sorry, it’s 4:30am and I should have been asleep forever ago, and I’m probably not making much sense but I hope the gist is coming across)
English Mamma says:
Hear hear! Judgey pants, indeed.
We have the same concept here in Sweden, called “Barnvagnsbio” (stroller cinema – although you’re not allowed to take strollers in…?) and many of the films are directed at the parents rather than the child, especially as many are babes in arms. As you say, they don’t watch the film – can you imagine a toddler who could sit still for longer than two and a half minutes, what bliss that would be for us!
Please just keep doing what you’re doing as all I can see from this blog is a wonderful little girl whose parents adore her and are giving her so many fantastic experiences.
so...... says:
you only want positive comments and not how people really feel? most of the time people fawn over you all and agree with everything you say,but you devote a whole blog when they disagree? then you should have a disclaimer saying “reinforcing comments,please or you will be seen as judgey”.
Ronnee says:
In my opinion she is not saying that you must agree with her or post only reinforcing comments. I see it that she’s saying, this is my choice for MY child, if you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it with YOUR child. But why do people feel the need to be mean about it. If you don’t agree, then why not post “I don’t agree and wouldn’t have taken MY child, however, since Annie is YOUR child, it is your decision.” It’s more the negative “I would never have taken my child to a Harry Potter movie at that age” type comments that imply that she is a bad parent for making a decision based on the life they have with their daughter. I know some adults that don’t watch the Harry Potter movies because they feel they are too “dark”, do I laugh at them or tell them they are being ridiculous? No. I say “that is your choice”. I wouldn’t be mean or judgmental to an adult based on a choice they make for themselves, so why is it OK to be mean to a parent regarding a decision they make for their child? I wouldn’t allow my children to ride motorcross because I feel it is too dangerous, however I know tons of people who start their kids very young in that sport. Do I condemn their decision? No. Would I make it for my kids? No.
so...... says:
i totally agree with you…whether she chose to take her child to see any movie is certainly her prerogative. what i disagreed with was her judging others to be so judgmental because they disagreed. i think heather and mike are wonderful parents, i only disagreed with the reason for this particular blog.
Heather says:
It’s not about disagreeing, it’s about moms not supporting each other in general.
so...... says:
i get that…it just goes both ways. i support motherhood and this movie thing is just a teeny blip in the whole support thing. not being able to express their own opinion without being called “judgey pants” is only a bit of a bigger blip. i don’t think anyone has the right to put you down for whatever you do,but again…it works both ways.yes they should have said they don’t agree,or they wouldn’t do it without making it sound as if you were wrong,and many didn’t. but you could have disagreed with their tactics without putting on your own pair of “judgey pants”. i hope you don’t care if i continue to follow your blog because i thoroughly enjoy it and perhaps i should have saved my first comment to tell you how many of these blogs i have enjoyed instead of waiting for the one i disagreed with. i have laughed with you and cried with you and kept quiet and for that i’m sorry.
Heather says:
I sincerely hope you do keep reading and will continue to comment! And maybe you’ll use your real name, hee hee.
so...... says:
i hate my name…it’s marlou and for 60 some years i’ve had to tell people i didn’t forget the “y” or how to pronounce my name. Actually it’s MarLou without the saving grace of a middle name lol.
Casey says:
Yeah, – that’s kind of where I was going. (And, omg, I have only commented like 3 times before, ever, and now I’m writing all over the place!) My comment in the original blog was not meant to say “heather is doing this wrong” or “omg, she’s such a bad mom” – in my heart & mind, I wasn’t attacking, criticizing, or even judging. I get now how it could have been construed that way, and I totally apologized for that. I wrote my comment as a reply to someone else as just kind of a “yeah, I’m a little surprised they took Annie to see HP too, cause my 2.5 year old would totally watch that movie and freak.” That’s all. I don’t want to risk sounding narcisstic, and say that this here blog was a result of only my comment on the last one – I sure hope it wasn’t I sure hope I didn’t cause all of this trouble, LOL! But what “so” is saying is kinda where I’m at. Just sayin’… I was actually so shocked by others’ reactions to my seemingly benign comment. I was like “wow, that’s not what I meant at all! Slow down you strangers, whoa. Things got heavy and mean very quickly.” And yeah, totally and sincerely sorry if anything I wrote was construed as an attack, judgement, finger pointing, etc.
Amy says:
Heather, I think you set the tone for discord, here. On the one hand, you have Mike posting with prompts for debate and conversation, and on the other hand, if someone weighs in with a comment that you don’t like, you’re snippy and mean. Yesterday, I commented with the little mental rule that we use when choosing what to expose our kids to. I actually didn’t say anything about your choice to take Annie to the movie. I was just tossing in my feelings that film is powerful, and “what goes in, must come out” — whether that’s great new imaginary play or a sleepless night or whatever — in case you or someone else might find it useful. And you smacked me with your “ohh, maybe Annie will do magic.” In fact, most of the comments that were surprised at your choice of film were pretty polite and could have prompted some interesting sharing, but you got right down to business with humiliating people through sarcasm. Now you have people crawling all over themselves apologizing for anything that could be construed as a difference of opinion, no matter how thoughtfully expressed. I think if you really want your blog to be a fan club, that’s fine. But if you want meaningful conversation or different points of view, you might think about whether your role is to be an inclusive moderator, or a silencing bully.
Heather says:
Amy, my comment about magic was sincere and supposed to be a little funny.
I like debate, and I often encourage and ask for it on the blog. What I was asking for in THIS post was for moms to be kind to each other. The original post was just about sharing an experience we had. It wasn’t written as a post asking for input.
I don’t think it’s fair to say that if I disagree with someone’s comment I’m snippy or mean. I really can’t win, if I disagree with someone I’m snippy and thin skinned, but if I let every insane comment and email go through (and really, there are so so many mean ones) it would be a wasteland of negativity.
Brandy says:
*insert eye roll here* Why is it that some people think if you don’t do things the way they do things then your way must be WRONG?? I didn’t get a chance to comment on your post about the theater but honestly, my only thought was “neat, movies in the middle of the week!” Yep, that’s how lame I am. LOL. But the fact that it was Harry Potter didn’t even cross my mind. Judgey pants just need to be left at home. That way we can all wear our fat pants and eat as much popcorn as we want!!
Stephanie says:
Seriously I don’t understand the big deal of kids watching movies as long as they are not rated X, lol. I grew up watching Freddy Crewger at the age of 4 (not that my mom knew, I just had an awesome babysitter) and I am perfectly fine, not a psychopath and did not grow up with nightmares. Parents these days seem to codol their kids and instead of helping their child develop, actually harm them. I used to babysit 3 kids who were scared to go upstairs by themselves and instead of making them get over their fear, their parents would make the children go up stairs together IN THEIR OWN HOME. This is like telling the kids “Your right, going up stairs IS SCARY, be sure to go together so you don’t get attacked/eaten/murdered!!”
Katie E. says:
I completely agree with everything you’ve said here. And who cares if you took an 18 month old to Harry Potter? You’re right that she wouldn’t care about it anyway. We do lots of things with our girls that cause moms to give me those judgey looks, but what matters to me is that we’re doing things WITH our children. We may watch something that someone may say was inappropriate for 5 and 8 year old girls like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but we all watched it together and could discuss any questions they have – or stop it if they’re scared. We don’t send them off to their room and let them watch anything they want with no supervision. There’s a difference, I think.
Laura Scarborough says:
Love you even more Heather! This is exactly how I feel. I am my kids Great And Powerful Mom and the boss of them. To the midget ones I look over my glasses at them and declare, “who are you?” Love that you called them out.
Gretchen says:
No judging here! We took our son to his first concert at 8 months. He fell asleep in the bjorn with ear protection on three songs in. At 18 months he went to his first NFL game. Sports are a part of our life and we want him to be a part of it. To be honest, last week he spent a good half of a MLS soccer game watching Dora on my phone, but he enjoyed cheering the other half.
Rebecca says:
First, I think it’s totally okay to take a toddler to see a movie like Harry Potter. When I was growing up my mom allowed my siblings and I to watch rated R movies because we wanted to be by her and she didn’t want to watch Barney 24/7. I’d cover my eyes at parts I didn’t want to see and I understood that it was a movie, not real life. I’m only 21, so I guess there’s still time for me to be traumatized by the fact that I saw a Mel Gibson movie when I was 7, but I think there have been many more events in my life that are more traumatizing. I’m graduating this coming year as an Elementary teacher, I’ve worked to get where I am, and I have a lot of great plans for the future. I think I turned out ok.
Secondly, I believe that, while people will always think things, nobody has the right to tell anybody else that they shouldn’t make a certain decision unless it is going to hurt them or someone else. Sure, there may be extremists that think Harry Potter is the cause of all evil and will prevent Annie from ever doing well in school, but I’m talking about an abusive (whether physical or mental) situation. Some people need to think of the big picture. Also, I do believe the internet protects people’s identities and allows them to be more willing to bash a complete stranger.
Teki says:
I’m going to be judgy myself for a bit, okay? I’m seriously angry. Not just for heather, but for the millions of children in the world who are being abused, molested, starved and/or killed daily. Really Superior parents? You stepped out of your self-righteous superior parenting bubble to address the horrible issue of PG-13 mommy movies?!? Clearly you has time and and desire to right the parenting ‘wrong’ you were sooo offended by. Please start using that judgy mentality to do some good out there. When you and superior parent posse END child abuse/neglect come on back here and I will personally make sure mom movies are banned from the country. Deal?
Natalie says:
You are awesome!
Rachel says:
Best.Comment.Ever.
Crystal says:
Teki Wins.
kat says:
Big round of MF’n applause!!
Mommy says:
I can’t decide what I like more- this comment, or the MF’n applause one! They are both great!
Casey says:
So I think I was one of those “judgy people” that folks are talking about – and totally didn’t mean to be. Now I’m a total stalker because I’m commenting all over the place trying to apologize I just wanted to say it’s interesting that few comments have turned into all of this…craziness. For what it’s worth (and it probably ain’t work much, lol), I am a Social Worker who worked in Child Protective Services for five years for our local department of social services. (I’m boring now, and do Long Term Care Medicaid because I have a daughter of my own, and removing babies is just not.fun. when you have your own to go home to.) But anway, I can see why people feel moved to comment about things, because these comments can elicit a lot of feelings in people. I know when I went back and read some of the comments (and only did so, when the “judgy pants” blog came out), my feels were very hurt that people thought I was attacking or critcizing…and then to read these posts about child abuse and neglect, I really felt the urge to say – but I did CPS for over five years. I lived it – sexual and physical abuse, all kinds of neglect- it’s real and it happens everywhere. So I didn’t mean to come off as a “superior parent” at all – not in the least, not for a second. But when it comes to caring about child abuse and neglect, I’m there – maybe not in the way I was before 2008 (when my daughter was born), but I’m still working at social services and fighting for “the greater good” – and hopefully being one of these judgemental people I know. It’s hard, but I’m trying. Here’s my comment from earlier, trying to apologize:
“Yeah, – that’s kind of where I was going. (And, omg, I have only commented like 3 times before, ever, and now I’m writing all over the place!) My comment in the original blog was not meant to say “heather is doing this wrong” or “omg, she’s such a bad mom” – in my heart & mind, I wasn’t attacking, criticizing, or even judging. I get now how it could have been construed that way, and I totally apologize for that. I wrote my comment as a reply to someone else as just kind of a “yeah, I’m a little surprised they took Annie to see HP too, cause my 2.5 year old would totally watch that movie and freak.” That’s all. I don’t want to risk sounding narcisstic, and say that this here blog was a result of only my comment on the last one – I sure hope it wasn’t I sure hope I didn’t cause all of this trouble, LOL! I was actually so shocked by others’ reactions to my seemingly benign comment. I was like “wow, that’s not what I meant at all! Slow down you strangers, whoa. Things got heavy and mean very quickly.” And yeah, totally and sincerely sorry if anything I wrote was construed as an attack, judgement, finger pointing, etc.”
Heather says:
It’s ALL good now Casey! Besides, we’ve been emailing and we’re pretty much besties now.
Casey says:
Wow, I just wrote a whole big ol’ reply and I think it disappeared…since I should probably stop being a stalker and get back to work, I’ll just say this: I think my comments on the Movie blog was one of the ones that was misconstrued as being “judgy” – I am so sorry if it came off that way. I am a social worker at the local dept of social services and specialized in Child Protective Services for 5 years (and then on to Foster Care Prevention). I did not mean to come off as a “superior parent” by any stretch – and really apologize if I offended anyone (especially Heather). I do ask that anyone who reads things online recognizes that A) Tone and Intention are not easy to read – we really have no idea where the other person is coming from or what they meant when they wrote something and we all come from different places. So I think I was seen as a “judgy” commenter (without meaning to), but yet I’ve done CPS for 5+ years…just something to think about. I think we all need things in life to feel passionate about – and if child abuse and neglect is one of them, then I urge you to do something with that passion. Fo’ sho.
Jenn says:
I agree which is why I defended you my friends. I just can’t understand why you have had to explain yourself #3 – THREE – 2+1 = 3 Times. WHY….WHY….WHY?!? Oh yeah…No Questions….Sorry!
I took my daughter to the theatre when she was 1 to see the Lion King since her 3 yr old brother told me he was “lergic (allergic) to animals”!! I thought, why waste the tickets – we were 3 rows from the front but of course like you Mama, I told my hubby I would take her out if she was afraid or was too restless. AS soon as I walked in….INSTANT JUDGEMENT from 2 different couples behind us.
However, I am happy to report my girl did GREAT!!! She was in AWE of the animals, sat mesmerized the whole 1st act!!! At intermission, I changed her & got her bottle heated, she ate and then fell fast to asleep on my lap until the Finale. Then, once again she was awesome!!! LOVED Clapping and saying “YAY” with a MASSIVE SMILE ON HER LITTLE FACE!!! Both couples apologized for their instant judgements and went on and on how GREAT she was!!!
Today, that 1 yr old baby girl is 11 yrs old and she NOT only LOVES theatre, she also really appreciates and respects it and as her Mom & Dad who loves going to the theatre ourselves…well, we couldn’t be happier!
Like most of us said….TOO EACH THEIR OWN…..Right?
Kimberly says:
Honestly! I read your blog every day, first thing every morning. I love it. But I rarely read the comments, just for that reason. I thought it was a fantastic outing. Chill out everyone.
Taryn says:
I’m not a parent so I don’t judge but I’m going to take of my pants anyway….cuz I do like being pantless.
And for a good laugh on judgey-judgerson types – the SNL commercial spoofing the HFCS ads.
Heather says:
pants are so overrated.
Emily says:
Agreed. 100%.
tracey says:
SHE DOESN’t KNOW HER FOOT FROM HER BUTT YET???? Worst.parents.ever.
Amen, Heather. Beautifully said…as always.
jen says:
I read your blog yesterday after reading Flotsom’s where she referenced another blog entry about a restaurant banning kids under 6 or something. It got me thinking. Children are part of society too. Stay-at-home parents have a tough job and deserve outings too. It’s nice to do things as a family. Let’s trust that parents are going to make the right decisions for their own family. I’m glad you took Annie and I’m so jealous, I can’t wait to see Harry Potter. I’m sorry that people were mean and judgy. So not cool. As it used to say on our evaluations for our professors at the end of a course – ‘create light not heat’ people!
JenC says:
jen did you read the blog entry Flotsam referenced? It was unintentionally hilarious. She will never take her child to a restaurant ever. She is a leaver, she will always leave a situation if her child behaves in a manner she fines inappropriate. Always. She has an 8 week old. One thing I’ve learned on this adventure is that there are no absolutes in parenting.
meg...ct says:
AMEN! To each, his own.
I think email/ internet is a safe place to judge other people..it allows a certain amount of anonymity. More than half of the things people write, they most certainly wouldn’t say in person.
Linda Campbell says:
I have no idea why people would say anything, they should mind their own business. I have a three year old, and I would never dream of telling ANYONE what they should do with their child. If someone told me what to do with my son, I would politely smile, and promptly ignore them.
As my wonderful Grandmother used to say, “The masses are asses”. I use that a lot!!!
Lindsey says:
I love your grandmother!
Kaye says:
I’ve got two boys, ages seven and nine, both have read some of the Harry Potter books and both have seen the first and second movies (though it was in the car on a long trip and they fell asleep for some of it, decided to play their DS’s during it as well, etc), but man, the way they acted after that movie was horrifying. I can’t believe I let them be exposed to such violence. Now both of them are all, “Yeah, I can play Quidditch”, “Yeah, let’s see if this broom flies when I sit on it”, “Mom can we buy a magic kit and a wizard hat so I can be like Harry Potter?” It just leaves me with the question, “What in the hell have I done to my children by letting them see this terrifyingly, violent film?” Whatever.
I don’t get parents who judge what other parents do with their children. Seriously people, if that parent is not doing something illegal, if that parent is not abusing that child in any way, shape or form, it should not be your place to question what a parent is doing.
Giselle says:
I’m not judging or anything but
Now both of them are all, “Yeah, I can play Quidditch”, “Yeah, let’s see if this broom flies when I sit on it”, “Mom can we buy a magic kit and a wizard hat so I can be like Harry Potter?”
none of those sound terrifying or violent to me. Quidditch is no different than any other sport, wanting to fly is something most kids think would be awesome, and playing dress up like a favorite character is also normal.
Purely from the information you’re giving, it sounds like you’re overreacting.
Casey says:
I thought Kaye was being sarcastic… but I’m not sure…?
Kaye says:
Yes, I was being sarcastic….evidently not everyone could read the sarcasm in that post.
Kaye says:
Giselle….when you start a post that says, “I’m not judging or anything BUT” that usually means you are judging. I love that my kids play Harry Potter and want to fly on a broom. I love that they have these creative little minds, that they both love to read Harry Potter and act like him. I didn’t overreact to anything- they do these things and I love it. My post was sarcastic, I’m sorry you missed the sarcasm in it.
Heather says:
Detecting sarcasm: you’re doing it wrong.
giselle says:
LOL Sorry Kaye, I totally sucked at detecting the sarcasm. Now it makes a whole lot more sense.
Your post is totally funny when I read it right.
Sorry again! Friends?
Meghan says:
I was thinking about that yesterday…I definately thought “wow, Harry Potter…ok…” when you said you took Annie, but then got to thinking…just because it would freak out MY little one, doesnt mean it would freak out YOURS so I kept it to myself. In our fam, my oldest is afraid of everything and always has been while my middle is up for anything.
My dad made me watch Stephen King’s It when I was five. It was Halloween and I was traumatized but I’m pretty sure I got over it.
Karen says:
This is going to be off-topic a little but it got me thinking about my situation. I teach primary school, (elementary school, whatever), but I don’t have children of my own. I board with my cousins and their children so I have plenty of hands-on experience but I’m not a parent. Big difference. Anyway, what surprises me is how much the parents of my students expect me to be a kid expert. There seems to be no limit to how amazingly informed they think I am. Not only can I fix all their educational problems, I can give health advice, social advice, dietary advice, FASHION ADVICE… Somewhere along the way, I also turned into a child psychologist and there isn’t a learning difficult on Earth that I can identify by smell. Now, I accept that there are a lot of things I do know, a lot of things I continue to learn and that I often have access to information and support that parents lack, but come on. I don’t know what time your kid should be going to bed and how many times a week they should be eating bread. Some days I struggle to put my own pants on the right way.
Clearly what I need is a network of know-it-all parents dying to share their opinions on everything. (I haven’t read the comments to the movie blog so I’m not being specific here.) So from now on I hereby steal every judgmental comment made on your blog as future ammunition during parent/teacher interviews when well-meaning mothers asks if their daughters should rug up when going outside at lunch. No takesies backsies.
Charlene says:
Parents who are quick to judge usually have something, like a spoiled child, to hide. In my family, I have a sibling who constantly berates me for everthing my 9 year old does that she does not agree with- but she has a 7 year old who bites and hits??? Sorry for the question marks – so ignore the judges and be proud you are doing an awesome job as a parent!!!
Karen says:
“There isn’t a learning DIFFICULTY on Earth that I CAN’T identify by smell.”
Hrm, apricots. Yep, serious case of typicus crapola.
DefendUSA says:
Heather-
I suppose some people have the best of intentions by voicing their thoughts or overly strong judgmental opinions.
The one thing you’ve got right is that what works for you is your business and no one else’s.
I can almost guarantee that the moms who tell you “(GASP!!) A PG movie?” have probably done the same thing at home…Pot meet kettle, indeed.
I don’t know why Moms are mean to each other. I have had a recent issue with my best friend, even. We have Grandparents that live 700 miles away. Kid one was 4 the first time we put her on a plane. Followed by the rest of them….We moved to CHicago for a year and came back. Kid one had a boyfriend. They each flew back and forth to visit. Both were 18. I never had any issues with the arrangements. And one day the BGF says to me,as if she is pounding her chest, “Well, I would NEVER have let so and so do what yours did” Meaning fly to Gram’s or to the boyfriend’s home. Her kids have never been without their mother, or grandparents, so she has no idea. But it worked for us.
In the end, it appears, we are no longer friends after 25 years because she had harbored so much anger, resentment and jealousy about the choice I made in my life and it all came out. Sad but true.
AmyG says:
I’ve always wondered why Mom’s attack each other. It never makes sense to me. We all have ways that work for us & our kids. My two girls are as different as night & day & what worked for one, didn’t work for the other. I look at parenting the same way. What works for YOU, might or might now work for ME. Why can’t we just support each other? I’ve never read or seen any of the Harry Potter books/movies, so I have no idea what’s good or bad about them. But my kids have seen movies like Toy Story 3 that are geared towards kids, yet it’s got a lot of adult content in it. So really, that makes me a bad Mom, as well, right? Who cares!! Annabelle is a doll & I wouldn’t worry about what they say… there will always be people that will judge, no matter what you say or do.
TamaraL says:
Wow. I have to admit that thought never even crossed my mind when I read your post yesterday! My youngest is now 15 and loves scary movies so maybe that’s why. People can get over it. Your kid, your rules. I think you are both doing a great job!
Dee Dee says:
I sooooo can’t stand for other moms to be so hurtful and judgemental. I am constantly hearing the terms Attachment Parenting and Traditional Parenting like they are the difference between raising your child in a palace versus a drug house! When people ask me if I am a traditional or attachment parenting type I answer I like to do the “what works for you!!!!!!!!!!!! type of parenting”. Sorry others were judgemental Heather and Mike and Annabel. I hope you 3 have a great day!
mary c says:
When I read your post yesterday I was thinking how great it would be to have something like that where I live. I would take my kid. I can’t believe someone would judge you. My son is three and we took him tubing Sunday with his 6 year old cousin and he loved it. (NO adults in the tub.) He also has a dirt bike. I’m sure people would love to judge me about that. All I have to say “live a little”.
Anna Marie says:
Good Lord. Just went back and read the comments from yesterday – I’m sorta speechless. I’m so tired of moms trying to preach it to other moms. I mean, if you were running a meth lab in your kitchen and blogging about it…it might be worth a negative comment.
And I agree that you look Just Like Maddie in that last pic of Annie flying – I love it!
bessie.viola says:
AMEN. My 3 year old has seen many of the Harry Potter movies, and she LOVES them. I love watching them with her and talking about good guys vs. bad guys, and I think that Hermione is a kick-ass role model for her.
The older she gets, the more I hesitate about showing her the later movies because they pose so many questions about death, but that’s just because she’s pretty seriously empathetic and I’m not ready to answer all those questions yet. Another kid I may not even think twice – and at 18 mos? I would have JUMPED at the opportunity knowing she’d pay little attention to the screen anyway.
You guys are great parents, whatever the internet naysayers have to say.
Casey says:
I’m really very sorry if my comment came off as “jusdy” – that was definitely not my intention! I sort of bounced off what someone else had written and golly geez, it snowballed from there. I am a bit surprised by people’s reaction to my comment, some were really quite offended! In all fairness, I live in bodunk Virginia, and I have never heard of Mom & Me movies…and probably would never have said anything if I didn’t already notice the first comment onthat blog (from “Tina”, I think?) Anyway, I’ve only ever commented on your blog once or twice before – and I have NEVER been into the whole “fighting online with strangers in the comments of people’s blogs” thing. I really, really didn’t mean to sound judgy – and even when I re-read my comment five times, I didn’t see how it could be construed that way- but it was, and for that I’m sorry. And I will totally keep my opinions to myself from now on. I love your blog, and your wit – I don’t want to ruin that at all. Wow – so sorry Heather!
Heather says:
It’s OK Casey – it was more like this whole thing just got my brain rolling about the whole subject in general. I hope you still come by and read and comment!
Editdebs says:
As an excessive exclamation point user, I had hardly judge you for your excessive use of question marks! As a professional editor, I can judge your writing as excellent! As a professional baby/toddler admirer, I can say you are an amazing parent!
Daisy says:
You’ll be happy to know that in the interest of helping Annie avoid criticism by the Internet People, B and I have been working very hard on some flashcards for her to assist her with human anatomy. We used THREE crayon colors for the “foot” and “butt” cards to really help the differences sink in. Please let me know what terminology you’d like me to use for the bathing suit parts!
Heather says:
What would I do without friends like you?
Daisy says:
Get judged on the internet.
Oh wait.
Elizabeth says:
I just snorted.
Lora says:
I didn’t read any of the comments, but I do know that 99% of the visitors to your blog absolutely ADORE your family and probably meant no harm by the comments they left I don’t know why parents judge each other so harshly, especially over the small stuff. Of course you would have left if she was scared! I’ve been to some of those Mom& Baby movies and you are right you can hardly hear the film anyways. I wouldn’t take my 4 year old to see it because she would actually watch it, but my littles guy? Sure!
After everything you have been through I can see why it would be extra hurtful though that some comments might seem to be making the assumption that you don’t “care” enough or aren’t careful enough with your daughter. I’m glad you wrote this, reminds everyone that even though it is the internet there is still a PERSON on the other side and we should treat them with kindness and respect that they are making the best choices for their family.
Lindsey says:
I vote Lora’s comment as the best reply to the whole topic. I read a quote somewhere I think is appropriate here: “Before I had kids, I had five theories on child-rearing…..Now I have five kids and NO theories on child-rearing” Though I had little old ladies on the street who would come rushing out when I would walk my kids in strollers, insisting they needed hats, gloves, shoes, whatever and I very sweetly put up with the CHILDLESS ladies’ opinions, I know exactly what you mean about feeling judged and being put on the defensive. My kids went to visit their dad (divorce situation unfortunately) when they were 3, 5 and 6 and the littlest came home scared out of his mind of his sisters’ dolls because dear old clueless Dad let them watch a Chuckie movie and for years after, all they had to do was say “Chuckie” to have him quaking and hiding his face!!!! I don’t care what anyone says, if they have read your blog even more than ONCE, they can tell that you and Mike are devoted, loving, responsible, intelligent parents!!! So keep on keeping on, sweet Heather! A few naysayers don’t matter more than a hill of beans (as my grandmother used to say)!
Kelly says:
You should take a picture of your kid running with scissors while Nightmare on Elm Street is playing on the television in the background. Then all the “perfect” mommies’ heads can explode.
Becca says:
hahaha! That’s awesome.
Becca says:
Seriously? Are you kidding me?
(I just wanted to play the question game too)
I think people need an outlet for their inner frustrations/insecurities. Previously, this outlet was in the car. We felt free to scream, yell, curse, roll our eyes and criticize others in the safety of our little metal bubble. The internet has become that modern day rage place, the only danger is, when I’m in my car, I’m pretty sure no one can hear me. On the internet, those comments stay and can be harmful to others. I’m sorry you have to manage that. I’m sorry people feel the need to put you down for allowing your daughter to be the in same room as a PG-13 movie?! It’s silly really.
And side note, I don’t really “know” you, but you are totally my parenting guru – you guys are the parents I hope to be.
Keep on rockin’ out!
Rachel says:
Well, I didn’t comment yesterday, but I thought it was *awesome* that you took Annie to the mom and me show. I’ll admit, when I saw Harry Potter last Saturday night, I went to the 11:00 p.m. showing and was sort of surprised at the parents there with their 2-3 year old in a stroller. However, the little girl only cried out a few times and did not disturb the movie, so who am I to judge?
I don’t have kids yet, but one thing that I do dread when I have them is all the judgey pants being pulled on by everyone around me. For example, one of my hugely pregnant friends dared to state that she was tired of being pregnant and ready for the next little bit of waiting to just be over with (she has had a pretty sucky pregnancy)….instead of getting “hang in there” comments, one of her friends basically told her to shut up, because at least “she got to be pregnant”. I really don’t get why people are so worried about what other people do.
Kelly says:
YES, it is thie Internet that causes people to say the dumbest crap, usually in a Marie Barone tone of passive aggression.
I tried talking my 4yo into watching the first Harry with me over the weekend. No judging here…
Heather says:
HAHA Marie Barone tone of passive aggression! I am totally using that.
Maggie says:
Love this! My son was playing Grand Theft Auto at the age of 5, and to much “surprise” is a wonderful, well mannered, 15 yr old honor roll student. People need to get a grip!
Amber says:
I merely skimmed your post yesterday but now I’m going to go back and read it.
My daughter is almost 10 months old and apparently I have a lot to learn bc it never even occurred to me there was anything to judge in your post yesterday.
If anything, I thought the post was kind of boring which isn’t a big deal. Now I am sad bc I obviously missed one hell of a chance to judge you
Vica says:
I love this post! I think this is a women thing, feeling like criticizing everything from parenting to work place attire. As women we need to break this cycle and support each other.
I recently read this article http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/07/how-to-land-your-kid-in-therapy/8555/ and found it very enlightening.
Katherine says:
That is so awesome that you have a theater that let’s you bring toddlers! We used to have this awesome theater called the Parkway near us, and they had a similar program called Baby Brigade. Got us through the first year… But alas, it only permitted babies up to a year (and it has since closed, wah!)
Our daughter was always pretty great about movies – we took her to Madagascar 2 when she was 2 and she LOVED it. But my 6 year old nephew has never been to a movie in a theater because he gets overwhelmed. Every kid is different.
My one caveat is… Kids change in unexpected ways! My daughter gets more scared by stuff in movies now at almost 5 than she did at 3… Go figure. (we still go to movies though!)
Elizabeth says:
dude, you are spot-on. we need to RESPECT and TRUST each other to make the right decisions about our own children.
this is a video from the website The Mompetition that I think helps sum up our internet know it all-ness. (i am in no way a part of The Mompetition, but saw the video and loved.it.)
http://www.themompetition.com/2011/07/dislike.html
PBPDesigns says:
I am not a judgy mom, but I have had to deal with my fair share of them. When my kids were little, a certain someone would tell me how I was not doing it right and I was a horrible mother. She didn’t have any of her own so I kind of let it slide back then. Now that she is a mom herself she is MUCH more understanding of how I am raising my girls and has told me recently that she thinks I’m a great mom. I guess it’s all in your perspective.
AmazingGreis says:
YES!!! Great post Heather! I agree, and I’m not even a parent.
My first concert, at the age of 8, was MADONNA!
Emily E says:
Word. The internet is one big Judgy Mc Judgerson sometimes. if someone has time to be worried about what movies you take your kids to see, then they have too much free time on their hands.
The good news is that while people have a right to their opinion, we also have a right to completely ignore their opinion.
Heather says:
My 4 year old loves Harry Potter and is already watching some of the movies (1-3) with her friends. I am reading the 1st book to her and then we watch the movie a little bit and discuss what is happening (nerd parents). However that wouldn’t work for every parent or every child. I also know that a lot of people do not like my parenting style, however usually those are the people that I am not fond of their parenting style either. People just need to get a grip and realize that everyone is different and what works for one might not for work for someone else. Have a blast and I am so jealous that you got to an actual movie with your daughter and husband.
Kim says:
I wonder about people sometimes.
There are businesses (such as “Movies for Mommies”) that cater to parents by showing movies during the day, at reduced volume. Nobody cares if a baby is screeching because there are lots of babies. Totally nothing wrong with it.
And my 8 yr old and 6 yr old kids saw HP the other day. My 4 yr old is kind of scared and we didn’t take him. But a toddler wouldn’t know what she’s watching.
FTR I think you guys are awesome parents!
Lora says:
ABSOLUTELY!! Sing it sister. I’ve been on the receiving end of such judgey opinion-giving, and it was in person. Gah!
Lisa says:
There are always going to be those moms who feel the need to judge and criticize. I have wondered why they feel the need to do it, but for some reason they just do.
I love taking my daughter to movies with me and I never thought about the rating when we went…I guess I just figured that the movie was being played at the particular “mommy and me” time so it was alright. I have wondered why they never play kids movies though
Melissa says:
EXACTLY!!! Could not agree with you more. I have found that many people tend to criticise others when they have large insecurities about themselves. Evidently, being a parent is also an invitation for others to give you their unsolicited opinions. Even in the case of wanted opinions (in the form of comments on a blog, for example), it is so easy for people to sit back and make comments anonymously. Good for you for saying something. I finally got fed up and stopped blogging because of people like this (and my blog was about FOOD). I’m glad you’re not letting it get to you.
Candy says:
I couldn’t agree more. As I repeat to myself the following when my obscenely critical MIL comes over and tells my hubby and I how to live:
There’s more than one way to raise a child.
There’s more than one way to train/raise a dog.
There’s more than one way to cook.
There’s more than one way to decorate a house.
There’s more than one way to cultivate a marriage.
And the hell with the rest of the jugdey pants people!
Kate says:
I honestly think the reason that so many parents are so judgy – especially moms – is that, in our society, we’re conditioned to make parenting a contest. Just look at the back of a family car sometime: “My child is an honor roll student”, “Master Chin’s Tae Kwon Do”, “Vikings Football #21”, “UCLA School of Music.” Parents, from the start, are encouraged to be as boastful – not proud, but boastful – of their children as possible, which includes cutting other parents down. Even with tiny babies, it’s all about hitting milestones first and what preschool or daycare your kiddo’s going to. I have seriously watched conversations between my cousins that go, “Oh, yeah, Madalyn was walking at X age.” “You think that’s something? Lily was walking at Y age!” And so on.
When I went away to college, my parents bought three decals with my college on them: one for my mom’s car, one for my dad’s car, and one for my car. I didn’t go ivy league or anything like that, I went to an obscure private school in rural Illinois, but they were insistent that everyone know that they had a child in college at that school. I’m twenty-seven now and my dad has refused to take the decal off his car. He could (it’s a window cling!), he just chooses not to. Moreover, my mom has been hounding on me to get her a decal from my law school, because she “wants everyone to know [I’m] in law school.” It’s bragging rights to neighbors and strangers: your kid might be great, but mine? Mine’s in law school. I win. She wears my class rank and GPA as a badge of honor to throw around at neighborhood parties and show what a great parent she is – even though, at this point, my success really isn’t affected by her any more!
The idea of parental competition is all over TV shows and movies, too. Modern Family has done, like, 4-5 episodes that are all about “my kid is better than your kid.” Like with Mitchell stealing another baby’s tower and claiming Lily did it, or Manny and the fencing competition, or – you know, I’m not sure you watch the show, so I’ll just stop there.
I’m not shocked people were judgy on the movie post – because moms will find a way to get their leg up in any way they can. Not because they’re inherently judgmental, I think, but because they’re told they should be.
Susana says:
Any argument that includes references to “Modern Family” wins! (for serious, not being sarcastic). Almost everythign about that program is spot-on AND hillarious. Good times!
Kate says:
For the last ten years, I have been like, “Sitcoms are lame, I hate sitcoms, I don’t believe people watch that crap.” But then, I discovered Modern Family (best show on TV) and I had to take back my sitcom stance!
Heather says:
Modern Family – BEST SHOW EVER
Kate says:
WITHOUT A DOUBT.
Mommy says:
Agreed!
Jennifer says:
Seriously people? Annie is 1! Get over it!
Mommy says:
HONESTLY! Most 18 months old don’t even know what it means to be scared!
Mommy says:
Or even 18 month olds. I need some sleep!
wa says:
THANK YOU for putting judgey moms in their place. I am often made to feel like the worst mom ever because I work and had trouble breastfeeding so I stopped after only 1.5 months. As if being a mom and being alive aren’t hard enough.
I feel blessed that people like you exist, Heather. And I don’t even know you. So I guess I also feel blessed that the internet exists.
Stacey says:
I’m sorry you got such negative feedback; I don’t have kids but like to think if they aren’t hurting each other or themselves then the parents must be doing something right! I took the kids I babysat to movies all the time when they were little. It was a “fun” treat for them and for me… and to this day we all still have great memories of it. I remember the first big hurdle was learning the theatre chairs will fold up with them IN it… as they weren’t heavy enough to hold them down. I had to watch the movies with a leg strung across the chairs to keep it from eating the children. Good times
As a side note, my father died when I was five and some of the ONLY memories I have of him were watching Jaws, Harry and the Hendersons, MASH, Andy Griffith, The Great Outdoors… you name it, we watched it together and I know they were not all rated PG for a 5 year old. However I don’t remember ANYTHING other then how great it was to spend time with him. Sometimes people seem to lose sight of what is REALLY important.
Ashley Tinius says:
OMG….it seems like ALL moms I encounter are snarky know-it-alls these days….Yuck!
My girls are 5, 2, and 7 months. Some of their favorite movies include “Kill Bill,” “The Breakfast Club,” and “Garden State.”
I seriously doubt that they’re going to become serial killers or sluts because I let them watch these movies. They also like all the Barbie and Disney movies, so I like to think that they’ll grow up to be interesting and well rounded.
I wish everyone would mind their own business and keep their comments to themselves. You know what they say about people that live in glass houses….
As parents, we’re all just trying to do our best. Isn’t that enough?
Yari says:
I think it’s great that you took Annie to the movies! I’m tired of these judgey parents. As luck would have it I have some in my own family. My 7-year-old son is Autistic, some days are great and some days don’t go quite as planned, so yeah I have had to deal with a number of judgey people and evil stares. They don’t even know what is really going on. As parents we try and do what is best for our child. What works for some might not work for all. We have always done our best to avoid any situations at any places where people are expecting some peace and quiet because we know it’s not fair to others. Interestingly enough we had a lady slow her car down in front of out house to give let us know how she would handle things. *sigh*
Our kids are Harry Potter fans and yes we will be taking them to the movie, they do great at the movies.
Amanda says:
The mom-to-mom criticism is merely an extension of the woman-to-woman criticism that our society encourages. We first criticize each other’s bodies, our husbands, clothing…then we become moms and criticize each other’s mothering.
Sucks.
Sherri says:
When Zach was 2 he was sick sick sick with hand/foot/mouth disease. Most kids get this and they get a few blisters. Zach got it and you literally couldn’t see his tongue or gums…hey were covered in horrible painful blisters. They were all down his throat and he couldn’t even swallow because of the pain, so he drooled and generally cried 24×7. He couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t either, and we spent 11 days sitting in the rocking chair, him burning up with a high fever and being miserable …even on his powerful pain meds with codeine and whatever else they put in it.
One night at 3 a.m. we were flipping channels and came to a station where they were playing Chamber of Secrets. Zach was immediately spellbound by Dobby and Hagrid and the rest of the wizarding world. He sucked it up and stopped crying so he could hear the movie, and a fan was born. Perhaps the drugs made the magic all the better, who knows? I think he was the only 2 year old with posters of Dobby and Harry on his walls. We had action figures and models of Hogwarts. Inappropriate viewing material for him? Probably. But he loved it, and it made him happy.
Barefeet In The Kitchen says:
Just the title of this post made me laugh. The rest of it was bonus. Sorry about the judgey-pants out there. It happens. It sucks. Luckily, she’s only one and hopefully by the time she’s in therapy she’ll have recovered from this horror.
Sheesh, and here I sit thinking about how jealous I was that you had such a cool mommy and me movie option! She’s a BABY for goodness sake.
MOnica says:
Heather, that old saying in one ear and out the other is what you need to do. I couldn’t believe the comments regarding the movie as it wasn’t open for debate like the c/s VBAC post was. I merely stated my opinion about celebrities and c/s and got my head bit off in a reply. This is a free country and we are all entitled to our OWN opinions. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head when you mentioned about the internet and that perhaps comments that are posted wouldn’t be said face to face. I for one think Annie is one super lucky blessed loved and nurtured precious little doll!
Lisa says:
Okay, so I just HAD to read the comments from yesterday’s post. And all I can say is WTF are people thinking?
maryc says:
Enjoy your movie mondays with your little girl!!!!!!
Aliesha Fullerman says:
Wow. Just wanted to say I read your post yesterday and thought how cool it is that there are theaters that play adult movies that moms and other caretakers can enjoy without having to find a sitter or feel bad that the baby is fussing. A friend even mentioned there being a small baby and a two year old in her viewing of HP (and she was understandably irritated by the distraction), and I chuckled and repeated your story about the two guys who accidentally found themselves in the opposite situation at your theater. I would never have guessed that people would feel the need to be judgemental, and feel so strongly as to comment on it! You are right, if you were face to face with these people they’d never even consider being so judgey wudgie!
Little Momma says:
Your 18-month old doesn’t know her foot from her butt? Hold on, let me put on my judgey shirt, hat and shoes. Oh wait, they are at the dry cleaners.
Please note this comment is meant to be funny, not mean. Blogs and the dialogue they create are great, but often words on a screen do not correctly convey tone. What in person may have been a simple statement said with a smile can be taken the wrong way.
Heather says:
Thank goodness for emoticons!
Little Momma says:
LOL — I almost wrote that in my original comment. Where would we be without them? But they can be confusing, I mean just what kind of a wink am I giving? And, do I need to follow this up with another emoticon too? Now I’m using a lot of question marks . . .
Being a mom is incredibly difficult. Not only do we judge each other, but motherhood comes with a hefty dose of guilt and doubt — am I doing this right or will my kids end up resenting me/not reaching their full potential/turing into Lord Voldermort? Ummm, well I think I can safely scratch the last off my list of worries.
Susan says:
Love the post and agree 90% with you even though that doesn’t matter. I agree with everyone else saying you shouldn’t even have to defend yourself. I read the post yesterday and thought Annie looked cute in her seat However, one irritant is if I paid for a movie ticket and couldn’t enjoy the movie because of a small child behind me doing everything but watching the movie….that changes things for me. And it doesn’t have to be a small child either, teenagers are real good at this too and so are some adults. Happy movie watching. We love Harry Potter.
Susan says:
Ok, skip my irritant as I didn’t know what a “mom movie” was…seriously. I’m not thinking that this is a time that young children can go to a movie with parents in a theater full of just that, young children. Very cool idea.
Marie says:
It is the internet. People say things I don’t think they would normally say, especially in game rooms etc. Foul mouths, swearing, name calling, stuff like that. I don’t like it, I ignore it as much as I can.
You can parent any darn way you please. Amen!
I look back and think maybe I should have done better. But at the time I was parenting we always did the best we could. That’s all you can do. And so no regrets.
I didn’t read any of the comments yesterday but I can imagine what some of them had to say. I don’t like negative things so I won’t read them now either.
In any pictures or videos you have posted Annie looks so dadgum happy it’s hilarious. She’s obviously well taken care of. So don’t you worry about what others say.
Hugs from Minnesota
Marie
Zakary says:
My mom took my three year old and my ten year old to see HP this weekend. My daughter has read some of the books and seen all the movies.
Also, I didn’t know it was a PG-13, but I wouldn’t have cared!
Barb says:
I caught hell from my sister in law once because my 6 year old son was watching Terminator (R-Rated GAH!!)….he’s nearly 21 now and as far as I can tell, he’s pretty well adjusted and normal….
momof2 says:
I didn’t read any comments from yesterday–perhaps they were indeed rude–but I have a different point of view. One, it’s actually good sometimes when people stick their noses in other people’s business. Recent case, Mike sees two boys behaving in a potentially unsafe manner on the playground. He chose to say something. Whether or not it actually resulted in a change in that family’s behavior, he felt better about the matter himself. I only wish someone has made it their business to say something about many of the recent reported cases of child abuse and neglect that have resulted in death. Of course I was mad as hell when someone called the cops on us when our little boy threw a tantrum for two hours. screaming and kicking the walls in our apartment building. The officers had to come and check we weren’t beating him. But I understand why someone would do that.
Second, clearly not the case here, but you actually could have been doing something that wasn’t in the best interests of your child. Not everyone is a great or thoughtful parent. Not everyone is up to date on the latest current medical opinion, such as no TV viewing for kids under 2, or babies must sleep on their backs to reduce SIDS. In cases like that, I don’t think the mere fact of someone offering advice means they are being judgmental.
For most parenting issues, who’s to say what crosses the line? It’s all a matter of opinion, so I wouldn’t let the comments get to you. Ignore or digest as you like.
Kate says:
I think when giving advice like the “latest current medical opinion,” though, you have to be careful. Because it can sometimes come across as crass, judgmental, or just snotty if you’re not careful. (I mean, of course, the editorial “you”, not you personally; I don’t know you to know your tone!) One of my best friends is a fantastic person and parent but she sometimes condescends to people without meaning to. She didn’t understand why other people were taking her “helpful hints” (like the health benefits of making your own baby food) as judgment until someone told her, “You know you make it sound like anyone who doesn’t do it that way is doing it wrong, right?” It wasn’t her intention at all, but it still came across that way.
You just have to be careful that being helpful doesn’t read like being a jerk, you know?
Stacey says:
I understand what you’re saying, but sometimes I think it’s more the tone of the message… as in it’s okay to give constructive criticism to show someone how to learn and grow, but not okay to bully a person to death based on their parenting. As the saying goes, teach a man to fish and you’ll feed him forever…. don’t smack him over the head with it.
Stacey says:
Nicely put Kate.
Megan says:
I was just reading a thread on a “friend’s” Facebook in which people were talking about how obnoxious children are in restaurants, how they would love to physically attack them (!?), how all children should be banned from every restaurant….
I feel judged by parents. I feel judged by non-parents just because my child EXISTS. It is a hard, hard world to be a parent in. I am so grateful for the rare occasions when I encounter another mom who offers understanding and encouragement. It helps so much.
I’ll always be one of those moms for you, Heather! I think you (and Mike) are incredible parents.
And for the record, my husband and I went to one of the mommy movies at the same place, and it was RATED R OMG! My daughter is definitely traumatized for life…despite the fact that she slept through the whole thing.
Kate says:
As a non-parent, I will say it’s hard not to make the occasional sweeping generalization of children because there are so many badly-behaved children out there that we’re forced to encounter. I definitely try not to do it, but it’s frustrating to have a screaming baby in the law library (which has happened more than once) or a kid running around in a restaurant and not immediately snap to the position of, “Why the [bleep] can’t parents control their kids?!”
Of course, I have no problem with kids who are doing what they’re supposed to (like the classmate who brings her kid to do his homework in the library and is nothing but respectful to the rest of us studying) but it’s difficult when there are so many bad examples out there!
Megan says:
I understand that–I think everybody, even parents, would be annoyed by a screaming baby in a library.
The thing for me is that my husband and I are really, really good about removing our one year old from a restaurant (we only go to family-friendly ones) the moment she starts crying. We truly don’t want to disrupt anyone’s meal And we don’t take her to places like libraries where we know she’d disrupt people. But despite this, almost every time we go out, the moment she makes one happy squeal, we get all kinds of glares in our direction. Once, she literally made one noise and the people next to us spent their entire meal whispering about how babies should not be allowed in public places and they’re sooo annoying blah blah. I mean, really? Are we supposed to keep her locked up in the basement? She’s a person too!
I also have a problem with people who proudly declare, “I hate children.” I don’t understand how you can hate an entire group of people you don’t even know. But that’s another story.
But not enjoying it when a parent isn’t properly parenting their child….that’s certainly understandable. It’s unfortunate, because it makes it harder on conscientious parents who want our children to experience the outside world sometimes.
Kate says:
First and foremost, thank goodness for conscientious parents like yourself because YOU are the ones I don’t mind being around in restaurants and even libraries!
There is unfortunately a whole “movement” of non-parents that I think has gotten way out of hand. Even good friends of mine call parents “breeders” and do advocate for things like no children in restaurants – one couple even drives an hour to the no-kids-allowed theater in Kansas City when they want to see movies because they don’t even want to deal with the off-chance there might be a child in the same theater as them! I really don’t understand it, because kids are people, and when parents deal with them when they cry or start misbehaving in other ways, they’re great to be around. A cute kid in a restaurant makes me smile; the toddlers sitting near me when I saw Tangled made the movie better because they were so gleeful about it!
But there are also those parents who don’t deal with their children and are unapologetic about it and I think that’s what encourages so many people to go with the blanket “I hate kids.” They either a.) just turn a blind eye to the behaviors, or b.) take a “Kids will be kids!” stance but won’t remove them from the situation. I still remember being physically dragged out of the department store my dad managed when I was 4 because I kept playing in the racks and wouldn’t stop after my mother warned me. When I worked in retail during college, I had parents literally parking their kids in the toy section, telling them to “be good”, and then leaving them there. The few times I delivered them back to parents after they’d ripped open sealed packages or dumped half the books on the floor, I was the bad guy! There are a lot of bad parents out there, sadly, that ruin it for the rest of you.
mel says:
Yeah, I find myself calling out judgmental mothers all the time. It’s odd to me that people are comfortable telling another person what to do or what not to do with their own child.
also, if Annie became a wizard, that would be totally bad ass.
Andrea Ingram says:
The only thing I thought when I read your post about taking her to the movies was “wow, I’m jealous…I can’t get my 4 year old to sit through a movie I thought he would love (Cars 2) and Annie sat through Harry Potter!”
Shake Them Haters Off ! (it’s a song, I really don’t have poor grammar:)
Betty S says:
Heather,
Here’s something that will make you feel better. My husband and I took our 15 mo. old daughter to the movies so that we could see “The Hangover”. It wasn’t even a “mom” viewing. It was just a lazy Sunday morning decision to go then and save a few bucks on a movie we both wanted to see. She mostly ran around, and thankfully, only one other couple was in there with us. We did have to train her not to say f*@# after that though.
Brittany says:
Samesies.
Jude and Wyatt love the tiger movie.
Lori says:
Your blog is one of the few that I read each morning so I of course read yesterday about the movie. MY first thought was no fair I want our movie theaters to do Mom Movies! I am super jealous that your theaters do Mom Movies and I think it is great that you went.
Thanks for sharing your lives with us!
Kelly says:
I think its great that they keep the “scary breeders” in a separate theater;-)
Christina says:
Funny you mention “scary breeders” because I was thinking while reading this post, now THOSE are scary breeders, the parents who judge in a “looking down upon” kind of way.
Cristy says:
the first movie I took Rylee to was the mommy and me showing of Bridesmaids. and I would do it again. Mommy and me movies are awesome and if people don’t like them they can stay home. more room for us.
Melissa says:
I’ve been following your blog for a really long time and I don’t usually comment BUT i just needed to. I appreciate your willingness to open up about your life. The good, the bad and the extremely ugly. As a reader, we need to not put you down but encourage you. I have never been through all the things you have and the fact that you wake up each morning and put one foot infront of the other is a total success in itself. There is a shirt at target you need to get for Annie. It says “My mom doesn’t your advice” Keep up the amazing posts. I love reading them and my 17 month old son LOVES seeing Annie’s pictures.
nicol says:
People have way too much time on their hands. You’re a great mom, don’t forget it.
Alexandria says:
Good for you Heather!! I never stop and read your comments because some people are just mean. You are right All moms have their own parenting and she looked like she had a good time. I hope when my daughter is 18 months she will be able to sit in the theatre. Have a nice weekend to one of the BEST moms I know.
Trisha says:
I took my girls to see Brittney at like age 6 & 7 as their first concert experience and I’m pretty sure the first movie they ever saw in a theather was Big Daddy with Adam Sandler in like 1999. They are now 16 & 17 and pretty freaking awesome daughters. They haven’t shaved their heads and gone all chain smoker on me and as far as I know they haven’t peed in public yet. So, I think you’re totally good to go on Annie seeing the Potter flick.
Every parent has the right to choose what they think is best for their kids. We don’t get to judge, it’s just not what you do to other parents. Not cool!!
Melissa says:
My parents didn’t let me watch anything but PG/G movies when I was kid (not that I think Annie was actually WATCHING the movie). You know what that produced? A kid who was afraid of everything. And who everyone who said to take her to Winnie the Pooh, I was terrified of Tigger. I’d have taken HP over him any day. It looks like Annie had a blast (and I hope you and Mike did too!)
Megan says:
Amen.
Chantel says:
I wish I could give you a hug right now. As parents, we need all the support we can get. Not just on the big stuff, but the small stuff, too. I have a neighbor with a very different parenting style than my own, but we’ve never fought about it. I wouldn’t dream of undermining her hard work and personal decisions and, no matter what anyone thinks, it IS hard work and they are very personal choices. We all need to learn a little respect and remember that none of us are entitled to make another person feel badly about themselves. Respect, humility and support go a long way in life.
Lindsey says:
Amen.
Nicole says:
Bravo, Heather. I really think that the so-called mommy wars are just a huge distraction to keep us from noticing that here in the United States, we have s**t for support for parents. No maternity leave, no guaranteed sick leave, almost non-existent subsidized childcare…things people in most industrialized countries take completely for granted. I guess it’s easier to attack each other’s movie choices and snark about breastfeeding than to unite and fight for some rights.
Maybe that’s just me?
Carrie says:
Harry Potter for an 18 month old…Pft…that aint nothing. My husband has shared the world of Transformers with my three year old…
Now he goes around shooting people…and the other day he reenacted the scene where the lady robot is all over Sam…with a barbie doll and BumbleBee….
Maybe Harry Potter will be a good distraction from the “Wobot movie”…
Allison says:
I LOVED Harry Potter, I took my kids also.. Its your child, its your choice, people arent always going to agree, but then should keep their opinions to themselves!!
Do you think now that the next generation is going to Hogwarts, that there is going to be more movies?? I hope so…..
Heather says:
I hope so too! I want to know how their kids grow up!
Tracey says:
Wow, just Wow!!
Have any of these judgey pants people ever watched Disney movies? I can remember my daughter being terrified of the sea witch in Little Mermaid.
To make you feel better I’ll share one of my not so good parenting moments…
My daughter is 12 and was going through some issues with the girls at school. One day she asked me why the girls were so mean in grade 6? My response was that ” women are bitches to each other and it starts when the hormones kick in usually around grade 6. I don’t know why it’s like this but it just is. I’m 40 at look at how some of my friends are behaving right now. ”
My husband just about died laughing!
My favorite saying is “sweep your own doorstep before you come looking at mine”
Kelly says:
Wow–it didn’t even phase me that you took her to Harry Potter (great movie, btw). When my kids were little, until about age 3 or so, I would take them to lots of PG-13 movies. I don’t think they are old enough to understand what is going on, and most of the time they fell asleep during the movie anyway. Now I don’t let them go to PG13 movies, unless I’ve seen them first (actually, I just lied, I took my 10 year old to Harry Potter, but she has seen all the others and I felt it would be ok).
At this point, I tend to want to see movies before I take them–but she is 10 and very impressionable. She wanted to watch at tv movie the other day (she was recording it) called Cyberbully–she wanted to see it because Emily Osmet from Hannah Montana was the star. Luckily, I had watched it the night before–um, no way honey is she going to see that movie at this point. We are taping it and saving it because it does have a good message, but I don’t need my 10 year old seeing someone attempt suicide because of online comments. She isn’t mature enough to understand–I even asked my 14 year old son if he watched it (since he reminded me it was on) and he said he only watched half. I still worry about him–he thinks that PG13 is ok since he is 14, but I still think there are some things that he doesn’t need to see–but he is very level headed–when we saw Tron, I made a comment about the cheap beer the rich guy was drinking–he asked why someone should even be drinking beer in a Disney movie.
Anyway, off my soapbox, sorry you were given a hard time, but you are Annie’s parent and you get to decide how to raise her and what you do. I think you are doing a great job!
Kristin says:
Wow! Those must have been some big judgey pants because not once did the thought ever occur to me that maybe we shouldn’t be letting our 4 year old and 16 months old watch Harry Potter. Oops. I wonder what else I shouldn’t be letting *my* children watch. Oh wait. I don’t care. I’ll let them watch whatever I want.
Robin says:
The truth is, the (majority of) kids probably see a lot worse then PG-13 on the TV at home.. Its not like you took her to see Zach & Mari make a porno… Plus, least you waited till Mom’s night to take your 18 month old instead of taking her during a regular showing like some parents and end up with a screaming kid through the movie.. I am glad you were both able to take Annie and have a great time!
Kelly says:
I like your question marks?????
I also, try to not even read the snarky replies you get, or I get on my blog. Annie is young enough that she wouldn’t have paid attention to even a full length feature that was geared to her age group. As I said yesterday, my Mea has stayed awake for only 2 movies in all the ones we have taken her to, and she is FIVE.
Judgey people, judge others, but should probably look in the mirror. Someone is probably judging them as well?
(That last question mark was for you.)
Untypically Jia says:
I don’t have kids yet so my words are totally meaningless. I think people coddle children too much these days. I also think that so much of what is considered children appropriate entertainment is just painful. As long as a baby isn’t crying in the middle of my movie I say more power to you for getting out of the house, doing something that makes you happy, and bonding with your daughter!
Janette says:
I feel like such a loser because I have not seen any of the other Harry Potter movies, so I can’t see the latest one.
What’s interesting is that when I have a concern with my own child, I’m more likely to consult other parents before I consult an “expert.” Other parents who have actually been there with their own kids usually have better input on what works than certified bookish nerds who may or may not have kids of their own. Maybe that’s why they feel like they can just butt-in at any time.
I guess what I wish other judgy parents would understand is that your input is wonderful when it is requested. Otherwise, it’s best to keep your opinions and judgments to yourselves.
Deb H says:
~*~ A ~*~ M ~*~ E ~*~ N ~*~
to that one Mama!!! I couldn’t have said it better myself. If I didn’t like what you were doing with YOUR child then I would stop visiting YOUR blog. ha but unfortunetly ….um…yea! I love your blog! You are a rockin mama and Mike is a rockin papa! I love you, your blog, your daughters, your outlook on life. None of us have it easy…..and I haven’t been through what you have and I can still say that. Let’s put the judgy pants on the ground and keep walkin on to helpin others not judgin others!
Keep on keepin on because I love ya even though I have never met ya!
Tracy says:
Hold on while I put on my Judgy Pants and tell Jackson Walker III to SCREW OFF.
Becki says:
So you think posters should post postivie, supportive, slavish comments in blogs?
Becki says:
that’s only post positve comments?
Megan says:
That is CLEARLY exactly what she said. She couldn’t have been criticizing the idea that Heather’s disappointment in a large number of ridiculously judgey comments is equal to wanting all commenters to be her adoring yes-man minions.
You need a Jump To Conclusions Mat.
Jen says:
Before I became a mom I had all these ideas of what I thought was right as far as being a parent the ways that things should be done. I worked in day care and used to complain about the ways parents did things all the time! I will never do that kind of thing or this thing I would say! Well now I am a mom and I can say that I HAVE done several of those things I said I wouldn’t do! I would never ever tell a parent not to do something. You have to do what works best for you because it works best for you and your family!!
I actually took my daughter to her first movie because the local theater was showing them for a dollar. She’s two and half and I had no expectation of what would happen. She ended up doing pretty well. We didn’t see the entire movie but it was fun and I don’t regret it! Good job for doing what YOu want as a parent Heather! You and Mike are doing an amazing job and Annie should be proud to have parents like you!!
Becki says:
Since it was Mom’s day – it was up to the Mom’s to decide if their kid could handle it. However, the movie ratings are there for a reason . . . . and THESE days the R movies aint what they were when many of us were young. Some of them would have been rated X in those days . . . ..
Love this blog and the photos.
I have noticed though, that bloggers are very thin skinned and generally don’t like to be criticized.
And it does make it very hard for us parents who are trying to adhere to “the rules” when other parents dont. I remember how upset my daughter was when her best friend was allowed to go see an R rated horror movie and ours wasn’t.
Be careful – judgeyness can come when you are judgeying those who maybe are trying to NOT expose their kids to stuff before they are ready OR ALLOWED
Procrastamom says:
Where did you get your copy of “The Rules”? Was it in the bag of free samples they give you at the hospital when you have the baby? Can I get it for my e-reader?
Becki says:
“the rules” was a specific reference to what we were asked to adhere to at my daughter’s parochial school – and there were always those parents who absolutely fought “the rules” because they “knew better”. Attendance at this school was VOLUNTARY, we PAID for this and AGREED WITH SIGNATURES that we would abide by their precepts. And despite that, there were those parents that always let their kids do whatever which made it harder for those kids who followed the rules. And that was wrong.
Heather says:
eh, this may be true for others but I’m pretty thick-skinned. I’ve been putting myself out there a long time so I have to be. I think bloggers appear thin skinned because we write about our feelings.
Colleen says:
PG, doesn’t mean not allowed, it just means parental “guidance.” Whiich means parents get to decide, sweet!
Procrastamom says:
Exactly!
Issa says:
Applauds for heather.
You know what my favorite movie as a five year old was? Dirty Dancing. Heh.
My girls (7 & 9 and my son actually has too) have seen tons of movies that some people deem inappropriate. Then again? They are my children. Plain and simple.
Jessica says:
Geeeeeez, people are so uptight! You don’t have to explain yourself Heather, Annie seems to be a happy well adjusted little lady. Good thing everyone gets to make their own parenting choices!
Karen says:
I was guilty of rereading the title of the film to which you brought Annie…Harry Potter 7? My thought was that my 5 year old is scared of Voldemort. Then you continued to say that the lights were on and the kids all over…so I then thought, “Poor Heather, you didn’t get to see much of that!”
Yes, moms suck. We all think we know best because we have a kid. I didn’t comment because I am too a victim of snark all too often.
I also make this mistake recently when I co-worker told me she was taking pregnancy photos for her daughter-in-law in a bikini with props. I laughed and asked if she was serious and then showed her some more tasteful ideas online but I still feel badly for my comment.
Lisa says:
Amen Sister!!!
It drives me crazy how judgment moms are towards other moms. We should be embracing each other, learning from each other, teach each other, not throwing stones and acting like we know what is best for someone else’s children.
Karen says:
made
sarah says:
Totally agree. I’m a new mom, only two months in. My son has been in the NICU since day 1, and I blog about it daily. I got my first example of this bitchiness when a former classmate posted as “anon” and bashed me for venting on my blog, and then told me how to feel. Multiple times. It was like wow, until you walk in my shoes, don’t judge me.
I’m sorry you got hit for a stinkin movie. The internet absolutely brings claws out. I hope it stops.
Mommy says:
That is crappy. How did you know it was your classmate is it was “anon”? Just wondering because I recently started blogging and would love to know who my anonymous commenters are!
Prayers for your son, and don’t you listen to anyone’s rude comments. Your blog, your experience, your choice of what/what not to write about.
Best of luck!
Mommy says:
OMG I just looked at your blog and got chills. My littlest baby (6 months) is named Nathaniel too!!! I am in love with that name!! Also, your little guy is gorgeous and precious!!! I am so happy that he is getting stronger every day.
**New follower of your blog!!**
sarah says:
Thank you! My anon commenter just wasn’t sneaky enough. She let it slip that she was a Facebook friend. That made a much shorter list than “anyone” lol. After that, one time she forgot to mask her ip address. I bet she was kicking herself. I saw the location, and matched it up with a little map application I have on my blog which shows the location of the last 12 visitors. They matched. I knew who it was by location, and it was confirmed because she had given away some personal details that I saw right on her fb page. Sorry, that was a long answer! Really, I got lucky, and I was kind of obsessed with who it was, so I kept digging until I figured it out, but it she had been random from the internet, I’d have never known.
Mommy says:
Well that’s crappy that she has nothing better to do than be negative to any mama, let alone one that she knows and/or one with a baby in the NICU. I hope you have blocked her from your FB page and your blog because the last thing you need is any of her toxic words.
Hugs and prayers for your gorgeous Nathaniel!
(ps. We call ours “Nater Tot” )
Becki says:
ummm. lolol. laughing so hard . .went to your link to Mike’s blog and found he wrote THIS:
So is Mike MR JUDGEYPANTS???????? Roflmbo
Mike:
“I think the point is that we have to protect our kids as much as possible in this modern world because innapropriate stuff will get to them, but WE don’t have to supply it.
Anyway, I want to thank all of you for your comments! It is great to hear that for the most part we all agree it is important to protect our kids and keep them young as long as possible. “
Terri says:
Some women are intent on saving the world, and everyone elses children and are not happy unless everyone fits into their nice little idea of the way things should be. That is so not real life. I have a 3 year old daughter. She wants to see HP SO bad.. she loves all the rest of the movies. i have yet to take her, not sure if I will, I’m afraid it might scare her. But its my call… noone else knows my child the way i do and i really wouldnt care what anyone said. I SO wish there was a “mommy” movie time where we live. That would be awesome. We did go to see the new transformers with her, in the Imax, at 9pm *shock* there were LOTS of other toddlers in there, i was surprised, and we got “0” judgey stares. She loved the robots, especially the bad ones, and giggled hysterically when they smashed things. She wants one, as a pet. Sometimes my daughter scares ME.
Sandi says:
I think oftentimes we moms act like we’re in competition with each other. When my kids were little we’d visit our local park, where I would hear moms comparing their children’s development with other kids — “He’s not talking yet? Mine was babbling ten word sentences at six months.” “Oh she’s STILL in diapers? Shouldn’t she be potty-trained by now?” That sort of thing. You are absolutely correct: Annie is your baby, you obviously love her immensely and make decisions for her accordingly. Just keep doin’ what you’re doin’!
Madi G. says:
You’re absolutely right, Heather. They *DO* need to take off their judgey pants!
I saw this film with my husband (kids at home; it was our date night!) on Monday night and I loved it! Really, there’s nothing inherently frightening about this film (e.g., no real blood, no scary creatures like in LOTR, etc…..except for that creepy creature hiding under the bench in Harry’s heaven, and even that’s on screen for just 1 or 2 seconds.)
So there’s nothing that would really scare her if she glanced at the screen.
And I *definitely wouldn’t* expect her to pay attention, being as young as she is. That film is rated PG-13 primarily due to the subject matter that’s discussed in the script (And Annie won’t be paying attention to the script!); it’s not due to scary visuals.
So I just don’t see the problem.
We’ve read the Harry Potter books to our kiddos (and the older ones have read them on their own) They LOVED them. These books just feed their imagination. I have plans to take them all to the film later in the week, including the younger ones (4 and 5.)
Though, I must say — I know I’m not the only avid HP fan who felt like this — I walked out of this film feeling really sad. Sad that it’s the end; sad that there are no more books, no more films to look forward to, etc.
And I’m going to miss seeing Daniel Radcliffe on-screen. He’s so freakin’ cute! Must go see him on broadway….
Madi G. says:
I also wanted to add…
My kids have already read the books (or they’ve had the books read to them). They already *know* what’s going to happen, which reduces the scary factor significant. They’ve already imagined these things; the film is only bringing them to life on the screen. There are no surprises, which makes the film even less frightening.
That, and the fantasy element of this film really eliminates the fright factor. Even my youngest kids know that Harry Potter-style magic does not exist IRL. So there’s nothing frightening about it…They don’t worry about being attacked in the night by a scary wand-wielding snake-like man named Voldemort.
Samantha says:
How much of a coincidence, I am reading this just after reading an article online that I got in my email about pregnancy, since I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant, and it was talking about mom’s judging other mom’s even in PREGNANCY! It’s common to hear other mom’s or even if they aren’t mom’s say, “oh, (insert pronoun here, honey, sweetie, etc), you shouldn’t eat that, or you shouldn’t do that, it’s bad for the baby!” and when you do have the baby, you are constantly being bombarded with comment’s like, “Oh, your child needs discipline better than that!” or “I would NEVER do that with MY child! That’s just not right for their age!!” One day I was hanging out with my friend whose daughter was about Annie’s age now and her friend (I’ll call her “Molly”) whose daughter was about 4 months older. The 22 month old was pulling movies off a shelf and my friend with the 18 month old was trying to get the 20 month old to stop. Molly told her that she shouldn’t tell her to “stop” because she was just a “baby” and didn’t know any better. Well, I had to laugh about 5 minutes later because the 18 month old started doing the same thing and Molly tried to say that she needed a time out. My friend looked at her and said that her daughter was younger than her daughter and was more of a “baby” and really didn’t know better!
Needless to say, they never spoke to each other again after that day. LOL
So moral of the story, be careful who you judge, it might come back and “haunt” you if the same thing happens to you!
Tara says:
Coming from the mom who made a post a few months ago about teen pregnancy….
Heather says:
actually, my husband wrote that post, and he got smacked down but good for being a judgmental ass.
J says:
I don’t think Tara’s being any more judgmental than your husband, honestly… in fact she doesn’t even seem to be judging the movie choice. Just noting the fact you published such a judgmental piece and then… well, this.
Fwiw, I rook my son to see Toy Story 3 at the theater when he was young — so this comment isn’t in any way a judgment about that.
Tara says:
Did you really just call me a judgmental ass?
Way for moms not to beat up on other ones…proving my point again!
Kelly says:
I’m pretty sure she was actually referring to Mike as the judgemental ass, not you, as he was the judgemental one who posted the piece. That being said, those are Heather’s words, and not mine, haha.
Heather says:
you’re right!
Heather says:
I called my HUSBAND a judgmental ass. Reread my comment!
Tara says:
actually, my husband wrote that post, and he got smacked down but good for being a judgmental ass.
Re-read…typo maybe?
Heather says:
Guess it’s my fault for assuming you knew the expression “but good.” it’s added onto sentences for emphasis.
Priya says:
I will admit it, when I read your post, my first reaction was surprise (judginess) at you and Mike taking Annie to this movie…and I thought about commenting. But then I took OFF my judgey pants, re-read the post, and realized the REAL reason you took Annie to the movies, and wrote the blog. And I thought about it more throughout the day and although I think I know you and Annie, because I read your blog everyday, I really don’t. What I do know from what I have read is that you and Mike love your children, take excellent care of Annie and always put her well being first. So I know that if you made this decision, that it was a good one for all of you. And it’s so wonderful that Mike was able to be there for Annie’s first theater experience since he missed Maddie’s.
My second thought was, why does Annie get to see HP before me?!
Priya says:
Something else to consider that I just remembered…
The first movie I ever saw in a theater was “Sesame Street Presents: Follow that Bird”, I think I was 4 years old, you know the “appropriate” age to see this movie. Well I remember that theater experience to this day. Why? Because when they kidnapped Big Bird, I was scared! When I think of that movie I associate it with scary. (I should probably watch it again to get over the fear, now that I am almost 30, but that is another story…)
It just goes to show that it really is all about the parents determining what the child can handle, not what the ratings and other moms say is age appropriate.
Annie Y says:
I wish our local theaters would offer something like this. There are so many movies that my husband and I would like to see that our 3 year old would be more than happy to sit and eat popcorn so we could see it. The 3yo went to the movies for the first time as an infant and we never stopped from there however every movie he has been to with us and the other children were ALL for kids and personally I would love to see a movie that isn’t G rated every now and then!
Emese says:
Judgy shmudgy…
My son’s first movie was Fast and the Furious… he was 6 months old…hahaha
Mommy says:
My son’s first was Sex and the City 2. Mama of the year, here!
maria says:
Hands down, you win MOTY award!!!
Mommy says:
LOL. He was a baby and nursed/slept through it, so I think he will be ok. He did seem interested in that hot nanny though… hmmm.
AnnD says:
I love posts like this, I gotta be honest. Seeing judgey mom’s get their ass handed to them always makes me smile.
Here’s stuff to make you feel better:
1.) I was watching “Poltergeist” when I was 4 years old. I’m not a psycho. I’m a totally sane person who still has an affinity for scary movies and Stephen King books.
2.) I am a HP FANATIC. My children (4 years old and 20 months old) are constantly being exposed to any and all parts of each and every HP movie. My daughter (4) had expressed that she is scared of Voldemort. So, I looked up Ralph Fiennes (who I happen to have a huge crush on, TMI, I know) and we learned about him and we watched some clips on YouTube how they turn him into Voldemort. She knows that actors are just “pretending” and can verbalize that now. She will now say: “That man is a nice man and he’s just pretending to be a mean man.”
We have also looked up other “scary” actors to find out their real names and see their real photos.
I think parents shelter their kids from certain types of media too much! I have a 12 y.o. living across the street from me who isn’t allowed to watch the movies because her mom thinks it’s too scary for her.
AnnD says:
Just wanted to add…..you hit the nail on the head with the “YOUR CHILD” stuff.
You don’t like HP, that’s fine. Don’t let YOUR CHILD watch them.
However, don’t assume because I do let my child watch them it’s because I’m less educated and a crappier parent than you are.
There is more than one way to a great kid.
Colleen says:
Puhleeez, I can’t believe anyone said anything about taking Annie to see Harry Potter. She isn’t old enough to know what the movie is about and I think it’s a great learning experience. You could take her to a porn flick and I doubt you would do her any harm. Children should do all kinds of things in public to help them learn how to be in public. If they get out of control, that’s normal and most parents deal with it just fine. I personally would love taking Annie if she would feed me popcorn as well. As far as a PG movie, so what, she’s with her parents, that’s the point of PG, right? Put on the blinders, Heather and ignore the critics, just keep doing it your way.
Katie says:
I discovered my husband let my then 3 year old watch James Bond when she gave me a long description of a “mean clown being shot and chased into a river”….
So I have no room to judge. Besides it is obvious your daughters are really well loved. All babies should be so lucky.
Glenda says:
Keep doing you! I’ve noticed that “social media” whether a blog, twitter, or FB and for that matter via texts…will people really say something like that to your face?! probably not! they hide behind a shield.
It’s your child and you will do what you think is right for your child. Children do not come with a manual, and parents are “on the job training”. No one’s perfect and what works for one family doesn’t work for others. To each it’s own.
Rock on!!
Emily says:
Wow, I totally thought I missed a post of yours when I saw the title of this one because I honestly didn’t see how yesterdays post could get people to be all judge-y. I just feel like all the obvious cases of bad parenting out there (just turn on the news at night and you will see plenty) and we are picking apart each over things like this? You and Mike are awesome parents! I don’t have kids yet, but watching videos of you guys with Maddie and Annie and I can only hope to be as fun and great parents to my own kids. I’ve seriously always thought that since I’ve been reading your blog, not just when the judgmental people question your parenting skills Please don’t let other people make you feel bad at all about any of the choices you’ve made!
Jeannine says:
people were snarky?
wow. Well i bet their kids are perfect and have never set foot in a mcdonalds, don’t know what candy is, they buy everything organic (even their clothes), (in fact they sew their own clothes because really, do they wear clothes made by kids in other countries? Of course not), they have NEVER bribed their children, they own no toys (let alone those made of plastic! Gasp), they don’t own a tv, their children absolutely never throw tantrums, they dont have a time out chair because their kids are so perfect they don’t need one, oh and did i mention their marriage is all roses and hearts?
Yeah, it’s so easy to hide behind a computer screen. I’m sorry but it’s all too common these days and people should be ASHAMED of themselves. I hope the man up (woman up, whatever) and apologize to you because judging you for that is LAME.
Now. If you start having Annie mow the lawn, ride on a motorcycle (with or without a helmet) or play in the middle of hwy 1… there might be cause to question whats going on. But as far as going to a movie theater, have at it.
PS. Why dont we have mom movie days? What a rip off.
Jeannine says:
* they* man up – not the. Sorry, fast typer.
Courtney says:
Here here! I didn’t comment on the movie post because I just wanted to stay out of it. I don’t understand why everyone is so judgey.
Mommy says:
Not to be judgey, but it’s “Hear, Hear!”. Sorry, couldn’t resist!!! (So lame, I know, but it’s a pet peeve.)
Cheers!
Courtney says:
Yeah, I actually knew that…was commenting in a hurry and not thinking about it. Gah!
Mommy says:
New follower of your blog!
Melissa says:
I had no idea how intense “Mommy Judging” was before I had kids…it was a huge shock to me. I figured there would be strong opinions on the hot button issues, spanking, cry it out, etc. But over EVERY LITTLE THING? I’ve had people bark at me because I had a picture of my three year old with a sucker. I had snarky comments about not being able to breastfeed my first for very long and then equally snarky comments about not having my son completely weaned by 15 months. I’m slowly learning that you can’t win. I don’t understand why mothers to feel the need to judge each other so much but I wish it wasn’t so. My friends and I have very different parenting styles but the end result is the same: happy, healthy children.
You MUST watch this video…it always makes me laugh (and feel better).
http://youtu.be/hSEPA6TIgzc
Mommy says:
HILARIOUS video!!! Sooo true!!
karen says:
wtf (what the FLIP!) –
‘They’ are obviously PERFECT parents and NEVER EVER do anything that ANYONE could EVER construed as inappropriate!
‘They’ obviously never drive to fast, lose their temper (especially when dropping something on their foot), get angry or frustrated at people, forget anything, or make a mistake. And if ‘they’ do any of the previously mentioned stuff ‘they’ need to move out of their glass house before the stones ‘they’ throw wreck the house.
Until then, as we would say over here, “stuff ’em!”
MJ says:
SO TOTALLY!!! My favorite movie when I was 4? BEASTMASTER. Know why? Because it had ANIMALS in it. I’ve watched so many “inappropriate” movies growing up (meaning, not rated “G”) and I survived. Give me a break, people.
saralema says:
I must admit that when I read yesterday’s post my first thought was “OMG, they DID NOT take an 18 month old to see Harry Potter? It’s too dark and scary! Why didn’t they go to Pooh????” But then, I reminded myself that it’s not my kid and you get to make the decisions on what she sees. So, I just read and moved on. No need to wag my finger at you over it. As long as you’re okay with your parenting choices, hip hip hooray.
Amanda says:
Wooo! Go Heather!!
Jessica says:
I could care less if you took a toddler to see Harry Potter! I don’t think it’s too scary for them, and I think the PG rating is for the one swear word and the scene with Harry and Hermione in the forest. There was actually a small baby at the midnight showing of HP I went to see, which I thought was a bit strange but chances are, the baby went to sleep and it didn’t much matter! Sadly, we do judge all the time as parents, and I don’t think it’s a new thing!
Laurie says:
I agree on the support thing. One of my husband’s relatives has the need to stop on any parenting successes that we have, especially when she is struggling with something that we are not. It is so not fun. Way too often, women are so quick to criticize each other for clothing, appearance, work performance, and mothering–especially mothering.
I also wanted to say that you and I are different parents and have made different choices, but I (hope?) I have never said anything that was critical of your parenting, and I’m guessing I’m not alone. I think that the majority of moms are at least neutral if not supportive of one another despite differences in the ways we raise our children. Maybe in the same way that people are more likely to throw out nasty, negative comments on the internet, it is easy to fixate on the downer comments rather than those that are filled with shared excitement, celebration, and support. Every time I’ve needed a boost, my mom community has rallied around me, and I think (hope) that most women at least have that. That greatness totally cancels out the snarks who post mean blog comments!
Rian says:
I have to share with you that after I read your blog yesterday I was so excited at the prospect of taking Vivienne to the movies that I kept telling people about mom movies and finally getting to see “adult movies” again. It took a few raised eyebrows for me to realize it sounded like I was taking my kid to porn.
Charlitan says:
Well, I didn’t read through all these comments, which makes me the worst commenter ever. And it never even occured to me that there was anything wrong with the movie yesterday, so, I guess I’m the worst reader ever, and my 10 year old had been listening to Greenday since he was 2. I cuss like a sailor. He’s been exposed to HP his whole life. He plays semi violent video games. AND I’m a social worker (so I should know better!) and OH YEAH I’m a lesbian! I think this makes me the worst mom ever!! To each their own!
My son seems pretty happy and well adjusted, though. Well, except those guns he keeps next to his big spell book under his bed… (I kid!)
Rachel says:
Ok, so I commented earlier but I just felt the need to throw in my 2 cents again….(is it 4 cents now, since I commented twice?)….
Even if Annie were old enough to understand the movie, Heather and Mike took her to HARRY POTTER! I am 23 years old and I learned more about being a good person, the importance of standing up for what is right, and the beauty of love and friendship from those books than pretty much anything else I have encountered in my 23 years. Judge me for that if you want, but it’s true.
Anyway…it was HARRY POTTER, not “Showgirls”.
And even if it was “Showgirls”, Annie is still too little to understand.
statia says:
I’ll admit to being a bit taken back by you taking her to see Harry Potter. They do tend to get violent and scary. But, she’s young, probably won’t remember it, and honestly, like you said, she’s not my kid. Both of mine are at impressionable age, so there’s no way I could do the Harry Potter Mom Movie.
sara says:
Totally agree! Judgy people suck! I’ve got 4 kids and while I do have some rules that I totally enforce (cleaning up after yourself!), but otherwise I’m know as the “fun” mom who lets kids be kids. Sure, see how high you can climb that tree! Or hey, let’s go to Dairy Queen in our PJs at 10:00 at night. And we even let our 3 year old watch some Tosh.o, because he really doesn’t understand yet and doesn’t have a good enough vocabulary to repeat much!
Sister Sister says:
Heather
I found you blog in Sept. 2010 and have read from start to finish since then. I always love the truthfulness of the feelings behind your post. However, I’ve never commented. I felt like I needed to comment on this post because it’s a subject that’s such an important part of who I am…being non-judgemental. I wonder why parents who know each other, or even the ones who don’t, so often pick apart everyone else’s parenting. really…it’s hard to imagine your Annie (cute little angel) is going to be traumatized for life by a Harry Potter movie when she’s got 2 loving, stable parents guiding her. I’m all for anyone who makes their decisions based on what they think is best for their child and not what other people decide is best.
btw….love your pics of Maddie and Annie….beautiful!!
Molly says:
I’ll be honest, when it comes to parenting I am Judgey McJudgerson. In my head. And (I ashamedly admit) when I gossip. I recently saw “Away We Go” though and I realized Maggie Gyllenhall was playing a caricature of myself. And I am awful! While I work on my need to feel all smart by having parenting opinions, in the meantime I know that what I can do is keep my opinions to myself unless someone asks for my advice. I have always tried to do that. Internet, take heed!
Jana says:
Wow. I read that post yesterday and didn’t think anything was wrong with it. In fact, I thought it was pretty cool that they offered that and that you guys had a great family day together! What the commenters were complaining about didn’t even cross my mind. And Harry Potter is a EVERYBODY movie. But I let my 14 year old watch Dexter so I’m a crappy mom too! He also watches rated R movies and Family Guy. Is that appropriate? Eh, who knows. But my theory is this… if he understands the difference between entertainment and what really happens in life, I’ve given him a valuable lesson.
Just keep doing what your doing Heather. You rock!
Suzy says:
I do believe I took my 5 kids to such films when they were young (in the dark ages, long, long ago.) Now that I have grandchildren, I find (and am told OFTEN)…that “you just don’t raise kids that way these days”. Hmmm.
It seems to me that they (and you) came out just fine.
Love your blog!
Cheryl says:
I’m a faithful reader, but I RARELY comment. I feel compelled to do so today because I couldn’t agree with you more. Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world. We judge ourselves practically minute by minute, and I think it’s sad that others feel compelled to judge. Mom’s should be supporting eachother. If I ask you your opinion, then give it, otherwise keep your negative thoughts to yourself! I do not write a blog- but I read several and I think that just because you put your thoughts out there doesn’t mean we can judge you for that. I take my child to stars and strollers weekly (that’s what it’s called here in T.O.), and I credit those 2 hours for keeping me sane. Don’t call the therapist just yet, I’m sure Annie isn’t going to be scared for life…
CJ says:
I read all the time, but never comment because you have so many…HOWEVER, I actually had a lady “suggest” that the Chipmunk movie was more “suitable” to my children than Sherlock Holmes as we were walking out of the movie. I shot her a look and told her “When you’re their mom, YOU can decide what they see.” My son was thirteen at the time. He’s got a genius IQ. My daughter was five at the time, she has Down syndrome…she pointed out the animals in the flick and slept through half of it. I’d say you’re fine, until Annie takes a razor blade and tries to scar her forehead…which we know won’t happen. People need to get over themselves and allow people to raise their own kids.
Brit says:
Heather, I grew up with a father who was the most loving man alive. He also cussed, drank, took me to sporting events where other men cussed and drank, and let me watch old Westerns where I had nightmares about people shooting me in the desert.
Now in my late 20s – I do not use bad language, I rarely drink alcohol and got over my fear of westerns after my Dad told me John Wayne was dead.
Do it your way. Screw the judgy mommies. They have their own issues.
MrsMosby says:
Ha ha, this is so true!! I’m sure they wouldn’t say the same things to your face. I’m sure Annie had no idea what was even on – my daughter is 21 months and never pays attention unless it’s Elmo and barely even then. But I suggest not letting her watch Nightmare On Elm Street when she is five – my babysitter let me and I was traumatized for a long time.
C @ Kid Things says:
I once wrote on my blog about how we took my then 5 year old son to see Avatar. In 3D, which we thought would be a cool experience. It’s rated PG13, too. My one and only negative comment so far came from this. “You can’t take your kid to that, it’s PG13. What kind of mother are you?” I can, we did, he loved it, and I’m a good mother, thank you. I’m not going to apologize for not keeping my kid in a bubble. People get riled about the silliest things. It’s all a matter of what you think your child is able to handle.
Rachel says:
I’m not even a mom, but the whole judgy mom thing gets me. It’s one thing to have your way of doing things…which is fine. But its another to decide that if someone quits breastfeeding before the child is 12 or whatever that that person is a bad mom. What works for one mom doesn’t for another. My SIL and BIL had this thing about their kid not even being in the room while a TV was on until he was 3. Only heathens watched TV before 3. Fast forward to my SIL losing her job, being at home all day with the baby, and realizing that Barney shut the baby up really fast. Guess who no longer followed her own “heathen” rule? It’s a hard world out there, and we all should be a little nicer.
Kelli says:
My daughter 13 was sitting beside me when I was reading posts. She said “mom why werent you that cool I would have loved to see Harry Potter when I was 2″…lol
Tammy says:
But Heather, it takes a VILLAGE to raise Anne! Kidding. I like the last poster on the movie post – not my kid, not my problem.
Mary says:
When you get pregnant, one of the first words of advice is that you will now be forever judged by others. I remember being shocked when people you didn”t even know would say you are too small/too big for how close you were to giving birth, you eat too little/too much, it’s too hot/cold for you in here, et. etc. etc. Then it only gets worse when you have kids-they look too hot/too cold, they eat too much/too little, you discipline them too much/too little, I can’t believe you are/aren’t going back to work, etc. It’s insane. I have a few trusted people that I really admire that I want advice from. It’s usually the people that I have the least respect for that offer the most advice to others.
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) says:
I’ve not read the comments from yesterday’s post, though I did read the post.
I was surprised the theater chose that as a Mom Movie, but it had nothing to do with the movie’s rating… I had a hard time following Deathly Hallows Part I without kids, and thought others might, too.
But, I’m not a mom, so I don’t have quite the multitasking thing down that you do.
I’m sorry people were judgey. I am GLAD you guys enjoyed the movie. Yay!
Kelsey says:
You know, it did strike me as a strange movie to take a child to, at first. And then I thought better of commenting on that because I remembered how young Annie was. All kinds of things were playing on our TV that my oldest was present for as an under two year old. Once she got old enough to pay attention, we made some changes. I always got the impression that those mom movies were for the parents, not the kids who are too little to realize what is happening.
I, personally, wouldn’t take my three- or six-year-old to see that movie because they would be scared.
I certainly have my opinions about what is appropriate or not for my kids and isn’t it great that I can help them make those choices and I don’t have to rely on what other parents want for their kids?
It is similar to my feelings about book banning – as far as I’m concerned it is well within a parent’s rights to request his/her child not read a specific book, but to deny it to every student or library user is just not necessary.
We take risks when we share our lives online and I’m GLAD you take those risks Heather, because I’ve learned so much from sharing your story. I’m sorry there was so much judgment yesterday and I hope it doesn’t keep you from putting yourself out there in the future.
Vic says:
Heather…
I had to post because it got my blood boiling.
You are the worst parents EVER. In the history of the universe you are THE WORST.
How dare you take your toddler to the movies?? To spend time with her, to cuddle with her, to feed her (you) popcorn. Honestly, the nerve of some people.
To be honest with you, I find the whole parent/step-parent gig confusing at best. I have three great step-sons who I adore. But you know what, being a step-mum, people pretty much automatically assume that you are some kind of a hideous monster.
The harshest part, that most of the time, this kind of judgement comes from other mums. I took one of the boys to the library to sign up and have his own card. You should’ve seen the librarian’s face when I explained that I was his step-mum. I don’t know how it was any of her business anyhow, but still… She wanted to refuse his application because I’m not the ‘real parent’.
*sigh*
Can we not all agree to let each other be. There are children in dire need all around the world and something as simple as a mummy and daddy spending time with their little girl, should be the least of our concern.
Can we not just live by ‘walk a mile in my shoes and see how you like my blisters’ before we all go a bit nutty over a MOVIE!!
Ashley says:
If you are concerned about another person’s child, then perhaps you could find a better way to voice that concern.
Instead of saying, “OMG Heather! I can’t believe you let Annie watch Harry Potter; it’s so scary and she’ll grow up to be a serial killer and what are we going TO DO NOW?”, you could simply ask: “You’re not worried that she’ll get scared?”.
If she says, “Nope, she won’t pay attention anyway, but if she does get scared, we’ll leave.”, then maybe she’d feel like you genuinely cared (or just curious.) and you’d feel like she’s not a closet child abuser who doesn’t care about her kid.
Ashley says:
*or were just curious, even
Christina says:
Like other commenters, I didn’t think there was anything to judge in your post. However, I actually read your posts in a way that allows me to retain the information. Some people just skim and don’t pick up on the important stuff (ie. sound and lighting). I chalk this all up to misunderstandings which are usually the result of ignorance (for those of you offended by that word, it simply means lack of information, not stupidity… we just don’t always have all the facts).
To be honest, I do get judgmental and I wrestle with that personally every day. For example, I found out my 16 year old nephew was smoking and he has asthma so bad that he uses a breathing machine several times a week. My sister (his mother) was buying the ciggarettes for him! I am completely judgmental about that. While I will remain so in this case, thanks for your post reminding me to keep my judgment in check at other times when it might creep in out of ignornace, egocentrism or narrow-minded thinking.
Shell says:
Then I am the most unfit parent EVER! When my son was 4 he wanted to see Jurassic Park in the theater. I agreed to an early matinee (not crowded) and we cut a deal, if he got scared he could cover his eyes, if he wanted to leave we would. That way he had the final say if he got freaked out over an admittedly violent movie without feeling like he let me down or was being a “baby” – Something his father called him every time our son showed reticence at anything.
He covered his eyes and peeked a couple of times, but when we walked out, he was victorious! He did it! Fist bumps!
Then there was the time I let him stay up late to watch Billy Ray Cyrus in concert on TV. Not my fave, but he curled up on my lap while I had my nose in a book and he was asleep long before it was over. I put him to bed and heard, “Thank you for letting me stay up, Mommy. Billy Ray ROCKS!”
Those are the moments which count. Tell everyone else to F off.
Kadee says:
When my niece was three, I took care of her a lot during the week to give her mom a break. I was very careful about what movies she watched and what she was exposed to on TV. I never sugared her up or fed her too much junk food either.
Imagine my surprise when she was pretending to be a dinosaur one day, slaying other dinosaurs and eating people right, left and center whilst stomping around the house… She had watched Jurassic Park and loved it! She would laugh hysterically every time someone got eaten. I was horrified, but her parents weren’t concerned in the slightest.
Turns out, certain kids can handle scary movies without issues. I wasn’t one of those kids unfortunately, I was extremely super-sensitive to scary movies and books etc. I just assumed all little kids were like I was!
It simply boils down to the fact that yes, maybe the parents DO know what they’re doing with their own children. Now that I have my own I realize that I’m the one who knows them best and what they are capable of watching/not tolerating.
Personally for myself, I couldn’t take my own two year old daughter to any movie in the theater just yet. She simply won’t sit still and has zero interest in watching TV/movies.
Jen says:
You can’t see me but I am standing and clapping, no really I am, b/c this is a fantastic post.
Can I get a, AMEN!
(Sorry if you get the comment twice. My computer freaked out on me.)
kathleen says:
Judgemental is what you are for writing a blog and then not being accepting of the the negative that may come your way. Sometimes as parents we just over think things, maybe you should have just gone to the movies and not written about it?
Jackie M says:
I think you need to go back and re-read the post. Heather specifically stated that she does not expect everyone to agree with her. Of course people will have dissenting opinions. Her whole post is about the way moms treat each other in regards to raising children. And as far as over-thinking things as parents, it’s fine….when it pertains to your OWN CHILD.
kathleen says:
I think when the blog starts out by calling people names (judgy pants) that she is not accepting of the negative comments no matter what she says. Mom’s have gossiped about one another since the beginning of time, long before the internet, so just get over it. I USE TO read this blog because it was about an adorable family just trying to grow together, but I don`t need the stress.
Tara says:
Agree.
Marsha says:
Dude, if you gotta sit through countless episodes of Elmo’s World I think it’s only fair for her to sit through one of your flicks. Give and take. Teach ’em young!
Seriously, moms judging moms gets on my nerves. Big time! Do what you think is best for your kids…and let others do the same. (unless true harm is being done, of course.)
Leah says:
Live and let live, for sure. If I don’t have anything nice to say, I don’t post a comment. BUT, there is another mommy blogger whose writing I enjoy who seems to be constantly giving her baby (<1 yr old) lollipops, cake, cookies, and ice cream, and I really, really want to write her and be like, are you INSANE? What are you DOING?
Meg says:
Seriously…..
Wow……
She will be fine – you didn’t give her drugs, abuse her, neglect her, etc. You took her to a movie. Hope you guys had fun!!!! Sure seems like it!
There is so much criticism in this world. You and Mike are doing a great job with Annie. Love your blog, this post is amazing, I couldn’t agree more….and I am not just saying that – I really think this post could be applied to so many issues – I get judged all the time for bad parenting…blah blah blah…my kids are happy, healthly, social and developing just fine….people just like to judge because they have too much time on their hands and want to make themselves look better.
P.S. Annie is so cute
Marsha says:
Oh, and I think it’d be totally awesome if Annie could be flying on her broom in this friday’s video. Thank you.
Amy says:
At 214 comments it’s almost ridiculous to write one. I’m not a mom, but I am a keen observer of behavior on the internet and I don’t see as much infighting among peers anywhere near as much as I do with moms…who, in my opinion are the one group that should support each other the most. Come on, moms. Actt your age… not your children’s. I agree wholeheartedly, Heather.
Dawn @What's Around the Next Bend? says:
I *LOVE* this!
I think every parent is the expert of their own child.
I know I am for mine
Audra says:
Amen sister! I think that moms in general are insecure and are overly critical because they feel defensive…. because so many moms are overly critical…because THEY feel defensive and so on and so on like the cover of my favorite childhood story “The Humbug Rabbit” where …oh, well THAT analogy… really only makes sense to me.
Anyway, all moms need to be kinder to one another. And when they see something that they feel is really upsetting instead of being critical they should OFFER TO HELP FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! I’m still grateful to the mom who offered to tie my younger daughter’s ice skates when I was on the verge of turning into snappy, yelly mom at the ice rink because wewerelateandsomeonehadtogopottywhenwegottherewventhoughtshejustwentathomeansblah,blah,blah.
I know I looked crazed, but instead of laying into me she offered to help and diffused the entire situation.
Tanya says:
Opinions are good and so is sharing them.
anne says:
I would never comment on your blog, or anyone else’s let alone tell someone in person that what they are doing is wrong as a parent. and, from what I have found – the mom’s that usually do say something are the worst moms of all
Jill says:
I can remember going with my parents so that they could see Bridge Over the River Kwai when I was very small and falling asleep during the movie. I am not scarred. I took my 2nd son to a Jimmy Buffet when he was 5 months old because I was nursing and couldn’t go to the concert unless I took him. He was the cutest little Parrothead there! The next month I went with my husband and two sons (2 and 6 months) to a Rick Springfield concert at the House of Blues. Some lady came up and asked “What the f*#k I are you doing here with little kids?” Ummmmm….enjoying some music?? Unless you are abusing your kids, how you raise them is no one’s business but yours.
KellyRobin says:
Yes, mama! I was just writing (bitching?) about this earlier today, myself. You’re being the best mama you can be. So, just keep at that, and wait to mock them in twenty years when your kid is the one that grows into a perfectly normal adult.
Jenny says:
I agree that women need to stop sweating and judging the small stuff. We can birth and raise humans. Why can’t we band together for real causes and spend our time and energy making a difference instead of pulling each other down?
I will tell you that I let my Judgey Pants fly proudly when I hear about something inherently wrong and harmful to the child. I’ve seen a rash of stories lately about children killed or nearly killed by Mom’s (known) abusive boyfriend while Mom went to work. My heart aches for those babies and real victims.
F* the Judgers who feel like they need to weigh in on other people’s movie choices.
Love your blog!
Meghan says:
MEH.
(It took me ENTIRELY too long to scroll to the bottom of all these damn comments.)
Brittany says:
Right, but your butt doesn’t even look anything like your foot…
Kari says:
ok, I totally agree with you. And I find nothing wrong with bringing Annie to that movie yesterday. I just think it’s funny that you wrote this, yet Mike wrote that entry awhile ago about it “taking a village to raise a child”. And how he felt he needed to intervene when he thought those kids weren’t behaving safely, even though their parents/guardians/whatever were right there and got annoyed with him for his unwelcome intervention. Pot, meet kettle.
TheRedQueen says:
There is a difference between watching a child teeter at the top of a jungle gym where he may fall and get SERIOUSLY injured and being a judgy mcjudgerson about parents taking their toddler to a movie where she was in no danger.
Kari says:
But that’s the thing. Everyone parents differently and thinks different things are ‘dangerous’ (physically and psychologically). For all Mike knew, those kids were expert gymnasts who could flip off the playground equipment. You just never know. It’s up to the parents to decide what is right for their kids. My argument actually supports Heather’s stance.
Mike says:
Heather and I may be married, but we aren’t the same person. Just because I wrote something doesn’t mean Heather agrees with it 100%
Kari says:
I’m glad to hear that.
Linda says:
Stopping reading your blog now. Its not for me, I don’t like the way you parent and that is my choice.
Bye.
Christina says:
This has to be sarcasm, right?
Elizabeth says:
I agree with one commenter who said it’s a matter of what you think your child can handle. My 2 ½ year old boy is OBSESSED with stories about bad guys. I’ll suggest that I read him books and of course he loves his books, but often lately he refuses that because he wants me to make up stories about ‘really, really bad guys’! He loves watching Spiderman cartoons, and there are times where I’m watching with him and think yeah, it’s pretty violent at times. But I do think he’s bright beyond his years and ‘gets’ that it doesn’t mean HE should be violent. Of COURSE there are things I would (and do) censor him from BUT I refuse to have my child live in a bubble! It’s ridiculous to even try. In my opinion, and knowing my son, he has a very vivid imagination, and I want him to be able to explore that. I don’t tell him ‘really, really bad guy’ stories that would leave him feeling terrified or anything, I try to be age appropriate as possible LOL BUT I can’t blame him for being fascinated with such things, and so I indulge him. I have a degree in Criminology, so I’m guessing a love for this stuff runs in the family!
All this to say, I would imagine people would be VERY judgemental of some of the things I allow with my little guy. And if I was blogging something about what we were up to and I got attacked in comments, I would be pretty hurt by it, even though I know deep down that I am doing what I think is right for my child. It bugs me how some people are saying they’re annoyed that you’re not cool with hearing people’s negative judgements. I think we all know ‘everyone’s entitled to their opinion’ but the truth is, some people are downright rude in their approach, and I think you asked a very valid question – if these people had to talk right to your face about this issue, would they be so bold about their opinions?
And, seriously, you took your daughter to the movies! It’s sad that this riles people up so much. When you think about it, it was scheduled as a ‘Mom Movie’ so if they’re soooooo upset that you took Annie to see Harry Potter, perhaps they should take it up with the theatre since they deemed it appropriate by making it a ‘Mom Movie’ option!!!!!
People can be so freaking annoying with their opinions. It drives me crazy. It’s obvious you’ve got a happy little girl who is loved and well taken care of by her mom and dad. People just need to relax!!!
Mommy says:
I can’t read all the comments because I have to go to bed eventually, so sorry if I am repeating what others have said.
You are so right- moms judge and nitpick and compete. It is so lame, because we really should all be supportive of what we know is the best/hardest job in the whole world.
I think the bottom line is we all know our own child better than anyone else, and we all know what is best for OUR family. For my little guy, at 18 months, going to see HP or any other movie would have been no problem at all- he wouldn’t have had a clue what was going on and it would never have affected him. If he had been especially alert and aware, I, as his mommy, would never take him to a movie that would possibly scare him, as I’m sure you wouldn’t either.
The same is true for so many things- some parenting techniques work wonders on one kid and would completely freak out another (i.e. swimming- some parents force their kids under water and they are fine with it, others would be traumatized for life.) Again, every kid is different, and every parent knows their own child best, which works out pretty well since they get to be the boss of them!
On another note, I love *most* of your readers. The majority of the comments that I did read from today’s post were supportive and polite. And there were so many funny ones! I especially love that people quote or reference tv shows to prove their point. I’m being serious. I am *always* saying to my hubby, “It’s like that time on Friends, when Joey said….” and he rolls his eyes, but there is always a lesson there!
So, on that note, I will leave you with a Friends reference that came to mind when reading about Moviegate:
This is like that time when Monica and Chandler were going to miss Emma’s first birthday party and Rachel was all upset… Chandler responded, “Oh no. If only Emma was 1 year old and no idea what a birthday was!”
Maybe this isn’t the best example, because I am a maniac for birthdays and would never forgive my friends/family if they missed my baby’s b-day, especially the first, but anyhoo….
I think you should have responded to all the negative nancy’s from yesterday with a Chander-esque, “On no! If only Annie was 18 months old and had no idea what being scared was!”
You know what is best for your baby, and everyone else can just suck it!
Heather says:
Friends quote FOR THE WIN!!
lacey says:
Alexa from Flotsam (who is amazing) (flotsamblog.com) once made a comment that I think is absolutely completely fantastic:
“There is nothing noble about taking time out of your busy day to tell a stranger that she is a bad mother, even if you think she is one. (It’s children, more than their mothers, who are considered public property. The less utopian side of “It Takes a Village” is the woman scolding you for taking your baby—the VILLAGE’S baby—outside without a hat.)”
My housemates and I quote this all the time, whenever we are referencing parent-judging—as in, “And then she was like, ‘HUMMUS! WHAT are you feeding the village’s baby!??!'”
The mom-wars suck. Down with warring. Up with support. Yay Heather.
PM says:
Heather, I agree with you wholeheartedly. I am so sick of people judging my ability to parent on what I let my child watches or what I look like.
Every time I sign my 2 year old up for a new class or programme, I get judgement and glares (I’m tattooed). I hate that other moms have to make calls about how I perform as a mother based upon appearances or expectations. When they get to know me, they invite us to birthday parties and play dates because my daughter is awesome.
My daughter watches unconventional cartoons and movies and when I was growing up it wasn’t uncommon to watch Child’s Play, Ghostbusters and Rainbow Brite all in the same day. It hasn’t made me fearful and shy…more like creative and outspoken. I’m a stronger person for not having extreme boundaries and will raise my child the same way.
I have taken my daughter to the Stars and Strollers movies and loved it! She’s been to I Love You Man, Xmen and several others and the theatres were packed every time with other moms who think it’s a godsend.
Kudos on this post, one of my faves so far!
Samantha says:
I know that I commented yesterday but I just had to comment again today. I know that after 252 comments, it probably seems a little redundant, but anyway. I was talking to my mom during dinner last night about this and she just rolled her eyes and snorted. You see after raising 3 kids (myself included) that she adopted out of foster care many, many years ago and fostering a severely premature baby girl (she only weighed a little bit more than 2 pounds at birth) before I got adopted for 8-9 months, she knows how much people like to judge. She got comments all the time about how she was raising her kids and here’s the kicker, THE STATE told her that she was doing JUST FINE. What people don’t realize is that when you judge a foster parent, unlike parents like you, you are judging the way the STATE taught them to raise “THEIR” kids!
And I just have to say, reading some of these comments about how people “just can’t stand how you raise your child and have “lost” a follower of your blog,” more power to them. That’s “their” loss and not yours, personally I think that you are better off without them.
Also, I absolutely ADORE your child and think that she is so cute even though I have never met her. Yes, I already saw the new picture and have to say that is one precious child and I’m sure that most of your blog followers will say the same.
Sarah says:
My first movie in the theater was Bambi. It’s rated G and the mom DIES. Hardly all puppies and rainbows. Just because a movie is rated PG-13 doesn’t really mean anything. Movie ratings are arbitrary anyway.
No one is going to object to their kid watching Bambi, it’s a Disney movie, and did I mention that the mom DIES?! ZOMG Don’t even get me started on Lion King.
I was 2 years old and don’t remember a thing about it, the only proof it happened is the movie ticket my mom put in my scrapbook. I suspect Annie will be just fine!
No one knows how to raise your kids but you. Maybe some toddlers would be scared by HP, but no one knows how Annie would react but you.
Good post!!
mindy b. says:
Thank you! And what works for one child might not work for another. Advice is one thing, but telling someone they’re doing something wrong is just downright rude. Two thumbs up for speaking your mind – I’m behind you 100%!!!
Becky says:
I’m more of a “live and let live, to each his own” type person and I figure that as long as you aren’t physically endangering your kid then you’re doing fine. However, I find that I get a little thin-skinned about criticism of things that I feel I may not be doing right with my 2-1/2 year old. The thing that I try to keep in mind regarding different choices in child rearing is that kids mostly need love and attention and beyond that they are pretty resilient.
As far as PG-13 movies go, I don’t think it’s that bad if the parents are there and can deal with any issues the child has with the movie. From experience…the first movie that I remember seeing was a double feature when I was about 4…”Son of the Blob” and “Blood of the Mummy’s Tomb”. My Dad was in the Navy and we were overseas so they had to take what they could get as far as movies went and with no babysitters…we went along. I remember having bad dreams about the Blob but my parents just had to live with me sleeping with them until that wore off. They acknowledged my fear and comforted me so it was all fine. I saw a lot of scary movies as a kid: “Jaws”, “SSSSSSSSssssss”, “Salem’s Lot”. The only long lasting effect is that I’m a scary movie addict and my favorite author is Stephen King. A lot of times the military would show movies in the basement of our elementary school since they didn’t have an actual theatre. They would start off with cartoons for the kids and when the kids fell asleep with their blankets and pillows, then they would start the adult movies. I saw a lot of 70’s T&A movies when the adults thought we were all asleep. I also snuck peeks at some of my Dad’s “Playboy” magazines. I don’t think it scarred me. I’m only slightly strange. I think it all had to do with how my parents reacted to that stuff.
As far as my son goes, I try to be careful what he sees but sometimes it doesn’t occur to me that something might be scary to him until he says, “No??No??” and waves his hand at it. Then I just say, “It’s okay. I’m turning it off.” and then he goes on without any kind of residual trauma.
Erica says:
Well said Heather, WELL SAID and “you bet your bippy” I’m going to tweet this.
Meyli says:
“I’d also be thrilled if she grew up to be a wizard because magic is awesoooooommmme”
Heather, you’re awesome
Leigh Elliott says:
Heather – please run for President. You are the BEST!
Leigh
Kim says:
Thank you. I would like to post this to MY blog. I have never seen so much hatred, venom and ignorance in one place in a long time…
I just love you and don’t judge you one bit.
Ashli says:
Heather, I started reading your blog like two months ago, but I’ve read a lot about both Maddie and Annie. It is so obvious in every post how much you love and adore your girls and that you would never do anything to hurt them.
The bottom line is that it doesn’t matter what anybody else says. Annie is YOUR child. YOU are her mother. You know her better than anybody, and you have a bond with her that no one can come close to. Only you know what is right for her. Every single mother and child is different, and they have no right to tell you how to raise your child. At the end of the day, you have to do what you feel is right for her. Not what everyone else thinks is the right thing to do. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad about that. Whether it’s something huge or something as little as a movie that she wasn’t even paying attention to.
Zelda says:
Hah, I wish I’d had parents as awesome as you and Mike when I was a kid! I bet you’ll be the cool parents that all of Annie’s friends wished were theirs, no contest!
Kelly @ JourneysAndDetours says:
Wow. My first mom movie was in Pasadena when my daughter was about four or five months old and we saw Sex in the City! And for part of it I stood off to the side breastfeeding because my daughter was in this fussy period where she would only breastfeed with me standing and moving around a little. What would people say???
But ore to your point, YES! Let’s be more supportive of each other and less “judgey pants.” This motherhood thing is hard enough and we all have to find our own way and what works for us! Nicely said.
Christina says:
“Was ‘Potter’ film appropriate for Jolie kids? ”
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/43857389/ns/today-entertainment/
HAHA!
Amy says:
I just want to know why you couldnt take her to a childrens movie? Same experience, but about her.
Expat Mom says:
Well, I disagree with you . . . about the internet being the reason moms are judgy. Because I can walk outside with my sons and someone is always bound to comment on their hair, their lack of jackets, etc. My MIL once told me to cover my baby up in 30 degree (C) weather and I told her he’s half Canadian, so he’s tough. And she promptly told me, “It’s his half-blood that makes him so weak and vulnerable.” Um . . .
Yeah, so judging happens in person ALL THE TIME. And I totally agree with the rest of your post. All you have to do is look at the photos of Annie and the videos and see that she is one seriously well-adjusted child.
Barbara D says:
I have often made comments about how mean moms are to each other and wondered why. While reading all the comments, I had an epiphany.
I think unsolicited criticism in any form stems from insecurity. When one parent criticizes another choices, I think the criticizer is either consciously or unconciously trying to make themselves feel better. i.e. “Well, I must be a good Mom because I did this and they didn’t or because I would NEVER do that.” So, pretty much some try to make themselves feel better by tearing others down.
Not saying it’s right by any means and some people just have strong opinions. (I’ve been known to have a few myself. ) However, when judgementalness or meanness come into play, there are often underlying insecurities on the accuser’s part. Just my .02
Katie says:
Heather, I totally agree with you. I have some friends (in fact, some of my BEST friends) who are the putter-downers who always say something to make me or other Moms feel like crap & like you said, I think it is so she feels like Super Mom b/c she has more kids than us (apparently that makes you the expert). I get so sick of Mom’s putting other Mom’s down. Can’t we all just get along?! What happened to girl power???? lol…..