Whenever I make a joke about eating unhealthy, I always mention my weakness, cookie butter. Without fail, someone around me is like, “What’s cookie butter?” This always shocks me, because once you know the glory that is cookie butter it’s difficult to imagine a world where there are people who’ve never tried it. I realize, of course, that not everyone has access to a Trader Joe’s (sadness – although you can buy it on Amazon!), so as a public service I decided to spread the word about this magnificent spread. Let me teach you, little grasshoppers.

For the sake of this post I went to my local TJ’s and bought the three different kinds of cookie butter available for purchase. You know, so you could see what they look like. Not so that I could fall into a shame spiral and polish off all three of them within ten minutes of hitting “publish.” Ahem.

cookie butter

I know what you’re thinking. You want me to take off the lids so you can look inside, don’t you? Alright, alright! Twist my arm.

Cookie butter

Have you ever seen anything so beautiful in all your life?

Okay. So there are a few things you need to know about this stuff. The first is that, while most people hear the “butter” part of cookie butter and assume it’s like butter, it’s not. For one thing, it doesn’t have the consistency of regular butter – more like peanut butter. It’s also easy to eat by the spoonful, which you would never do with butter (at least I hope not). What it actually tastes like is closer to cookie dough.

The second thing you need to know is that it literally goes on anything. The jar lists a number of things you can put it on, including ice cream and celery (ice cream AND celery? Wha?), which sounds ridiculous until you try it and see it’s true. If you ask me, though, it goes best on my tongue.

The third thing you need to know – full disclosure here – is that it’s ridiculously fattening. That shouldn’t really come as a surprise since it’s called COOKIE FREAKING BUTTER, but it’s easy to be fooled into thinking it’s not as fattening as it is because it only has 90 calories per serving size. That doesn’t sound so bad until you realize after eating half the jar that each serving size is about as big as a thimble.

Cookie butter
Regular peanut butter on the left, regular cookie butter on the right.

Still intrigued and don’t care how many calories it has? Okay, good. You made the right choice.

Now the last thing you need to know is the difference between the three types. The O.G. cookie butter is made with Speculoos, a kind of shortbread biscuit. Some will tell you that it tastes like gingerbread, but there isn’t any ginger involved. I personally liken it more to those yummy biscuits, but if they were completely pulverized, made into an amazingly smooth spread, and then filled with the secrets of the universe.

The second type, Cookie & Cocoa Swirl, mixes in a Hershey’s syrup-esque chocolate with the cookie butter. The result is a spread that is much sweeter than the O.G. spread. It’s ah-mazing, of course, but some might think it’s almost too sweet.

The last type is crunchy cookie butter, which is just like the O.G. spread but with chunks of speculoos cookie in it. This one is my favorite, but just as people have very passionate feelings about crunchy vs. creamy peanut butter, people have very passionate feelings about crunchy vs. O.G. cookie butter.

Alright! You are now officially ready to try cookie butter. Have any questions? Let me know. I’ll just be over here with these three jars and a spoon.

This post is only sponsored by my tongue and expanding waistline.