Last week my contact at Momversation.com sent me a link to an article that ran recently in the New York Times called “The Two-Minus-One Pregnancy.” The article discusses selective reductions in in vitro fertilization pregnancies – women who are reducing their IVF-babies from twins to a singleton for non-medical reasons. In short, these women (and their partners) feel strongly that they can only parent one child, not two, for varying reasons (that, again, are not medical).
The Momversation crew was interested in my perspective on this, as a twin. I told my twin brother the gist of the article and he didn’t want to hear any of the details. He didn’t even want to think about it. My mom wanted to read the entire thing and was appalled. As a twin, I can’t imagine NOT being a twin. My brother is my only sibling and even though we are fraternal and very different, we are part of a set. I am one of two – it’s a crucial element in my identity. So, as a twin, the article freaked me out.
The report touched me on another level. I have mentioned in the past that when I was pregnant with Madeline and my water broke, the doctors reminded me that termination was an option. There were a lot of medical factors I was told to consider when making my decision, the biggest being that the doctors didn’t think it was likely she’d ever be able to breathe. I wanted to be a parent, and Mike and I were going to be happy with whoever and however that baby came out. The doctors couldn’t tell me that she 100% would NOT be able to breathe, and I personally could not live a life where I’d always wonder if I’d made the right choice. That, however, was me and my choice. Other people make other decisions based on their own sets of guidelines. We all have to live with our choices, whatever they may be.
The thing about the article that was hardest for me to wrap my head around was the IVF element. The women in the report had all come by their pregnancies with money, pain, and tears. I have friends and family who’ve undergone IVF after loads of turmoil and sadness. When they became pregnant, it was joyous. So…I can’t imagine wanting to have a baby so badly that you go to extraordinary measures, and then when you get what you want (doubly!), you then go to extraordinary measures again. Although, I do realize that these couples only wanted one baby, so they aren’t getting what they want…but the odds of multiples with fertility treatments are well established…AHHHH.
I still can’t wrap my head around it.
This whole topic is intense. What do you think? Is it all just another mechanical step in a mechanical process? Are reductions for non-medical reasons acceptable to you? Will I ever stop asking questions?!
Molly says:
My husband and I both read that article in The Times. I honestly could not believe what I was reading. How could you choose who stays and who goes? This whole notion is extremely sad to me.
On a lighter note, I have always secretly hoped for twins. Maybe one day…
Stacey says:
Molly, me too! I have always hoped for twins. My grandmother had 2 sets in her family and my grandpa was a twin. I know it tends to skip a generation, but in our family it skipped 2. Hopefully that means good luck for me – or a cousin!!
Sarah - { rad: renovations are dirty } says:
Actually, the whole skipping a generation thing isn’t entirely true. When fraternal twins run in a family, it’s usually due to a gene that predisposes the females to producing extra eggs every month. This results in a greater chance of getting pregnant with twins.
Now, a male will carry the gene but since he doesn’t ovulate (duh!), it will not produce twins with his partner. It would be passed on to his daughter, which is where the thing about ‘skipping a generation’ came about, I think.
Twins run in my family (I have a fraternal brother)!
elinor says:
so for me termination unless my life was at peril is not an option, and even then I think it would be with me for the rest of my life. But I am lucky, I didn’t face a teen pregnancy or a rape/incest/forced pregnancy so when I choose to start a family it will truly be my choice. There are many justifiable reasons for termination and that is a valid choice for some people. I don’t ever want to judge what has to be a deeply personal and painful decision. But like you I can’t imagine going through IVF and then deciding to terminate one or more of the babies/embryos/foetus, the risk of a total miscarriage would be too great after working so hard. I have another question (I can’t see the video so maybe you touched on this), How do you explain it to the remaining child when they get older and possibly find out?
Heather says:
I didn’t talk about that in the video, but it’s definitely something I wonder about. I would have NO idea how to explain it.
Meyli says:
I don’t think its just another mechanical step in a mechanical process to choose reduction; at least, it wouldn’t be fore me.
IVF often produces more than just twins. If I found out I was going to have quintuplets, if not more, I would be terrified. Supporting that many children all at once would probably be financially impossible for me. I would probably choose to reduce, but that would be a very difficult decision.
Annalien says:
It is usually only when they transfer too many embryos that IVF produces higher order multiples (although sometimes splitting of the embryo can skew the equation). If your body and finances cannot support more than one child, then only one embryo should be transferred at a time. I know that reduces the odds of becoming pregnant, but to me it is just not right to reduce the number of babies you are carrying simply because you do not want more than one.
But everyone has to make and live with their own choices.
k says:
IVF does not ‘often produce more than twins’. Injectible cycles with timed intercourse or IUIs produce higher order multiples (octomom is an anomaly).
Elizabeth says:
Personally, I could never be okay with choosing reduction for myself. I have a lot of complicated emotions mixed up with this regarding the twin identity and I just can’t imagine that being okay in the long run for the child that gets to live.
Tina says:
It is a very controversial subject indeed but I see both sides and I try not to judge. You see, as you know, parenthood is not all fun and games and it certainly lasts more than a couple years
I am the mother of twins, after infertility… Originally I was carrying triplets but one was spontaneously aborted before the end of the first trimester… it wasn’t developing and nature took it’s course.
Even though it was a much wanted pregnancy, even though I was ecstatic, it was horrible. It wrecked my body, left me nearly paralyzed from the waist down for months, and my boys, even though I was a super healthy person (I have never smoked a day in my life, I don’t drink, I never did drugs, I eat my veggies and take my vits religiously every day etc), I still ended up on totaly 16 week bedrest and I still ended up with preemies, who lived, but grew into special needs children…
It is not advised I get PG again with twins … for medical reasons. It nearly cost me and their lives the first time around… singleton? The doctors say a tentative yes but with close monitoring… twins? OUT OF THE QUESTION.
So I want another child… I refuse to go the IVF way again because I cannot bear the thought, as a mom of twins, to chose to terminate one even if it is recommended by the doctors. If it is to happen, it will happen naturally and chances are I will be PG with one baby only…
That said, I do entertain the thought of another pair of twins.. and I get goose bumps, because aside from the joy, the logistics of a second pair of twins in our current situation are almost impossible.
We would need to sell our apartment and move out, buy a bigger car… hubby already works two jobs and I also work full time, so… one baby would be difficult but feasible but two? Nearly impossible or our quality of life, which is less than modest at the moment as it is, would plumet.
So I do see both opinions, both sides… I cannot say what I would do in her shoes… I just try NOT to get in her shoes (but electing not to use fertility treatments ever again even if it means NO baby at all). I cannot judge, honestly, I can’t… since I came THIS close to being her.. but having survived a difficult pregnancy and living with twin special needs kids… I can see her point of view as well as the other side… and I pray to God, I am never put in such a position because in my case it would be medically necessary to reduce to one as now I already have two little ones to think about, I can’t make them orphans, I have no right to take that gamble.
Just my 2 cents
C says:
Thank you for this very educated opinion on seeing both sides, I really appreciated reading it.
Susan A says:
Your perspective is VERY insightful. Thank you so much for sharing!
Meg...CT says:
To ME, the article and what it suggests is appalling
Lindsey says:
I agree with Meg.
J+1 says:
While I could never reduce down to one without some kind of proven genetic defect reason to do so (and even then I’d struggle with it), I can’t judge anyone else. I may not agree with it, but I strongly believe that those choices are up to the individuals involved, not me.
I did IVF and my doctor and I talked about the possibility of multiples. We actually talked about the Octomom (her opinion of that doctor, who’s now had his license taken away, was brutal) and carefully discussed choices. Because of my age, they wanted to put in as many good embryos as possible, which put me at a higher risk for multiples. Had more than two implanted, I would have reduced down to two for a variety of reasons. It was never an issue, thank goodness– only one took.
Of course now I wish I’d had twins.
Sara says:
It’s what happens when babies become a commodity. They only bought one baby, and by God, that’s what they are going to get. It’s very sad. You would think that they would look at it as getting twice the miracle instead of a burden, something to get rid of. How do you explain that to your child someday? You wanted him, but not his brother? That it was totally random, and he’d had a 50/50 shot at not being born?
Emily says:
I agree with Sara. When babies become a commodity, when life becomes defined by choice, then the parents have full choice over all aspects of their pre-born progenies’ lives.
The legalization of abortion did an odd thing to women’s minds in this country. Now that we all have “choice,” along with that comes the concept of control. From the time we start our periods, we are told that we can – and should – control our fertility. We control it with birth control methods when we don’t want kids, and when our birth control method fails, we can make the choice to have an abortion.
So, it makes logical sense that we also should also be able to choose when we HAVE our children — except it doesn’t always work that way. In order to regain control of our fertility, some women choose to use medical techniques, some of them quite invasive, to try to control when a baby arrives. We didn’t want babies before, but we want them now, so we should have them now. It should be under our control, right?
It’s all about that belief that we have control. As long as our American society has given women “choice,” we have to give her choice in ALL fertility-related circumstances lest we be inconsistent. And sometimes, that exercise of “choice” leads to some pretty unbelievable choices, choices that make many of us step back and privately say, “How could she have chosen to do THAT?” We publicly say “We can’t judge,” because we know that in order to not judge our own choices in a particular area, we have to not judge our fellow woman’s choice in all areas.
But in reality, we all know what she has chosen to do. And for those of us who would love to be in this woman’s shoes or who have been in that woman’s shoes (twins! two for the price of one! a double blessing!), her choice and the circumstances surrounding it just makes us sick.
Laura Kilbrai says:
Emily, you said it better than I could, and I completely agree!
Amy W says:
Excellent post!! I totally agree!!!
Megan@TrueDaughter says:
Excellent – I completely agree.
Megan@TrueDaughter says:
Exactly, Sara – well said.
Annie says:
Wow, this is the first time I’ve ever commented on your blog and I read it EVERY day. I love your writing style and the pictures of your beautiful girls.
As a mother of twins that my husband and I conceived naturally, I am appalled by this article. My first thought before I even read it was “but twins occur naturally ALL THE TIME”. My thought is don’t even have children if you don’t want to entertain the possibility that you could have multiples. In fact, my husband and I almost didn’t try to have a third child because we were afraid of another set of twins although we would not have even entertained the thought of reducing. So do these doctors offer reductions to all twin pregnancies? Disgusting!
But then I noticed that the mother in the article mentioned she wouldn’t have terminated if the twins were conceived naturally because she wouldn’t want to disturb the natural order. So the other child gets to live who also was not conceived naturally. Total contradiction.
Just like your brother and you, my twins are each others’ best friends. The bond they share is beautiful and I can’t even imagine separating them in school let alone choosing that one lives over the other for my own selfish reasons!
Twins are tough – tough to carry in pregnancy, tough to raise. But you know what? That’s life! I feel like some people think they can pick and choose the perfect family. It’s not reality.
I give you a lot of credit for choosing to comment on this matter at all and doing so in such an eloquent way after all you have been through. My thoughts are always with you and your family.
Renee says:
We went through the IVF process a few years ago. When the doctor began discussing the “selective reduction” process with us, I was absolutely appalled. I could not fathom going through all that to then “reduce”. It just twisted my insides. But that was what was right for US. We were unsuccessful in our IVF attempt and made the decision to have our family via domestic adoption. Again this was what was right for us. I really try to do my best not to judge…it’s not my “job” but some things, like this, really teeter on the line for me.
Txtingmrdarcy says:
Thank you for your point Renee… I’m glad that the article was brought to our attention. It was extremely well-written, and to read that the author had become a parent of twins as well (not to mention the last couple, what a hard situation that was!) was the icing on the cake.
But I couldn’t stop asking “WHY NOT ADOPT?!?! If you need to be in such control??” There are plenty of babies out there that need mommas…
Cayenne says:
I will never understand the need to judge and condemn others on this topic. Truly sad.
Laura says:
I agree. I don’t think it’s anyone’s business but the people involved. I would never dream of telling someone else how to live their lives, no matter what my personal opinions are.
Margie says:
I guess it’s up to the couple/person. It’s their choice on what they want to handle. I’m not apalled by it at all.
Casey says:
Agreed.
GetsTheWorm says:
Agreed here, too. It’s not something I think I would do, because I think having twins would be neat, but in no way would I judge someone who went that route, or try to stop them. It’s fine.
Whitney says:
I completely agree with both Margie and Cayenne.
Melissa says:
I agree as well. You can’t say “I would NEVER choose selective reduction!” unless you’ve been in a position where you have to make that choice, really. I’ve said “I would never” to lots of things that I ended up doing.
And I can’t see inside someone else’s life or relationship or finances, so I can’t judge them for choosing something like this. Would I ever? I don’t know. Would I ever condemn someone else for it? No.
I’m actually surprised by the number of people who are totally against this. Are they also totally against abortion? I understand IVF is a huge, expensive process to conceive while an accidental pregnancy is not, so there is a difference there, but how many women/couples get abortions because their life circumstances won’t accommodate a baby? Maybe people’s life circumstances won’t accommodate multiples. I won’t judge someone for making this choice.
Janeen says:
My thoughts exactly Melissa.
CM says:
I personally think it is wrong to terminate twins down to one. I can better understand using selective reduction when it is 4 or 5 babies because it is to give those babies a better chance and reduce their risk of health problems. But it seems to me that going from 2 to 1 ultimately seems selfish and more due to the parents needs instead of the health of the children. I know others will disagree but this is my opinion.
Karen says:
I think this is going to sound terribly judgmental for someone who doesn’t have children of her own, but I had a bit of a read of the article and the one thing that stood out to me was the inconsistency and almost hypocrisy of the lead example. They already have children, they aren’t in a position, (or so they felt), to raise more than one more for emotional and financial reasons…and yet they had the money to invest in I.V.F. and exposed themselves to what seems to be the reasonable risk of a multiple pregnancy despite not being able to actually live with the result? Since when is it okay to call mulligans on life?
Forgive me if I’m lacking an emotional connection here because I’m not a mother myself but shouldn’t part of the decision to commit to treatment be the acceptance of any outcome providing it doesn’t represent undue hardship? (Health issues I can understand and a much larger multiple birth situation might also warrant action since we’ve all seen what raising eight children can lead to, right?) They could afford the treatment but they couldn’t afford the children it produced? They were too old for two children but one is going to be okay? I have no doubt that raising twins is difficult, especially with other children to take care of, but people do it all the time with great success. To say that they’d have accepted it if it was natural but that they felt empowered to hit the “roll again” because of how they orchestrated the pregnancy is ridiculous. The whole mentality of control makes me wonder at their mindset for wanting another child in the first place since it seems somehow likely that they are ill-equipped for any kind of challenge this pregnancy might pose. They seem to be rather banking on a lack of complications.
I can’t fathom what was going on in that woman’s mind and I feel dreadfully sorry for her because this is something she will always have to live with and I can only assume at some point that the penny is going to drop and she is going to realise that her family is missing someone. As for my opinion, given that there are no pressing health concerns or extreme number of fetus’, I think this family got exactly what they would have known they had a chance of getting. If the gamble was so unacceptable that only one outcome was ever going to be feasible then maybe they shouldn’t have done it in the first place.
DefendUSA says:
I didn’t read the article, but it reminded me of a similar one…I have always wanted children even as a five year old. I can remember telling people that I wanted to be a nurse and a mommy.
I think there should be some type of standard when it comes to IVF and the number of embryos, eggs people can implant. What pisses me off is that these people know the risks of multiples are high and yet they selfishly go for broke only to kill what they don’t want? Nope. Not down with it, and I will never understand the selfishness of some. I give kudos to people like the Gosselins, McCaugheys, for getting it. I don’t judge other peoples choices but *I* have a problem with selectiveness.
When I had a baby at 35, the AFP was “off” and the doc wanted a level 4 sonogram and then an amnio. I said no thanks, because no matter how it turned out, I wanted what I was given. Even if it meant having to go through a live birth to endure death. Thankfully, my baby boy who is almost 12, was perfect. A ray of sunshine, every day!
J+1 says:
DefendUSA, there are standards for the numbers of embryos that are supposed to be transferred via IVF. The numbers vary based on a variety of factors. Of course, there are hacks out there that ignore the standards, and then you get Octomom.
Jennifer says:
I guess I don’t understand this viewpoint when people say that regardless of what the test results say they wouldn’t terminate. If I was given a diagnosis where I was told that my baby had no chance of long term survival and that there time on Earth would be painful with little to no quality of life, I would terminate. I would do it because as a parent I would feel it would be my responsibility to try to protect my child from needless suffering. Termination doesn’t have to be the brutal procedure some like to imagine, sometimes it can be gentle and merciful.
Likewise, if I ended up pregnant with 3 or more, I would reduce down to twins, because, in the long term, it is better for the health of the children and for the me as well (and my children would need me healthy). It’s not a matter of going “for broke” and then killing what you don’t want. It’s a matter of making a difficult decision about children you desperately want.
There have been families who “get it” in the way you want, and then have watched their child be born severely prematurely, and suffer and die, one by one. One family lost five of their six in the days and weeks following birth. I wouldn’t be willing to take that risk of watching my children suffer only to die when I could have prevented it.
I don’t understand the thinking of the families in this article but I haven’t lived their lives and don’t know their circumstances. Their choices are their own, to live with and make sense of. Only they know what’s right for them.
And thank goodness I have never been in that situation. My children (3 and 8 months) were born healthy.
DefendUSA says:
My point is simply that I would not do it, if *I* (me, myself) would have to choose to reduce. I just cannot. I have never been in those shoes.
I would never implant more than I could possibly handle, all the while hoping for one and then all six take. It’s just not okay with me.
I had a cousin who aborted a Down’s Baby for no other reason than it did not fit her fantasy life. Yes, that sounds callous because it is. She truly did not want an “imperfect” baby.
Jaime Maynard says:
and how about all the cases were the doctors were wrong…and kids who could have been terminated came out just fine. I 4 women with whom this is the case, and I am just one person. I also have one friend who chose to terminate and the pain she has to live with on a daily basis is just as hard as the pain of losing a child not at your own hand. Just saying.
Melissa says:
It’s such a strange and complicated thing. I’m most definitely pro-choice, and I can understand many situations in which a woman would just end a pregnancy, but for some reason, the idea of terminating one, and going through with the pregnancy for another, just doesn’t sit right with me, and I don’t know why. Because it should, right? It’s a woman’s choice, and I don’t know the whole story, etc. etc. Stories like this one in the Times don’t make me feel judgmental as much as they honestly just make me feel sad for the twin who lost the chance to be a twin.
Heather says:
That’s how I feel. It just left a weird feeling with me. In the end, I decided to be glad that we all have the right to make these difficult choices…and be glad I am not in their shoes.
Emily says:
It’s too bad the aborted twin never got a chance to grow up and make choices for him/herself.
I just read a story today about Abigail and Brittney Hensel, two conjoined twin girls who have grown up to be 19 years old. They’re completely joined from the belly-button down, but yet they’ve grown up to become more or less healthy persons. They seem to have a happy, fulfilling life. They play sports, go to school, even drive a car, so I think it’s not a stretch to say that when their parents learned they were having conjoined twins (which they did during the pregnancy), they didn’t say, “Oh, there is something wrong with these kids and they’ll never have a normal life, so we’ll terminate.” The twins know they’re different, but they’re still happy to be alive. Given the choice, I have no doubt that they would choose to be alive.
Every mother of a special needs child I have ever talked to or read about has been happy that that child came into her life. Every special needs grownup has always been happy to be alive. I will never understand why people in America continually try to judge what quality of life is worth living. It’s frightening, really. This kind of choosing who lives and dies is reminiscent of what Nazis were doing in Germany during the Holocaust where they only wanted white Aryans to live. Nazis famously killed Jews, but they also killed the crippled, mentally retarded, homosexuals, and “special needs” people. How is aborting a child who might potentially have “special needs” any different?
As a society, how can we possibly allow this kind of behavior?? How is this relative morality good for our society? To say, “I wouldn’t do it, but I won’t judge anyone else who does differently” does not make logical sense. What if our laws were that way? What if I didn’t have to stop for red lights and someone else did? What if it were okay for me to steal but not you? How could society possibly function?
It just doesn’t make logical sense to allow individuals to choose which other individuals, born or unborn, live and which ones die. And it certainly makes no sense at all for the woman in the NY Times article to choose to reduce from twins down to a singleton. Boy, do I have pity on that child who is still alive. With a control-hungry mother like that, what kind of expectations will s/he be subjected to by that mother as s/he grows up? And the guilt that child will experience as the “chosen one”! Oh my goodness. It’s all so disturbing.
katherine says:
No matter your reasons for doing it — medical, social, financial, emotional — it’s an abortion. Just an abortion. I see no essential difference. It’s legal, and it’s your right. And if you are ok with it — and the consequences — I see no reason why you shouldn’t do it.
As an aside, of course you cannot imagine your life without your twin. Just as if you are a singleton, you cannot really imagine life with a twin. Once you experience a certain reality — no matter what that is — you cannot *really* imagine life any other way.
I nearly terminated my pregnancy with my daughter at 23+ weeks. It was a terribly tough decision, but in the end I decided against it. Obviously now I love her more than life itself and I shudder just at the thought of how close I was to not having her. But that’s the thing. That’s now. I cannot color my judgement from 3 years ago with the experiences I have now. Then and now are two disjoint realities:
We have the capacity to love our children wholly and selflessly, no matter what they are like, no matter how they change our lives or how difficult they make it. That’s one of the beauties of being a parent: No matter what, you adapt, you embrace, you love, you refuse to undo your situation — no matter how painful. Evolution has pre-programmed us that way. But that doesn’t mean that you *have* to have kids, or that you have to a priori *choose* to have that difficult life that may come with them.
Someone could tell you, for example “I am going to hook you up to a special machine that not only inflicts great discomfort and pain, but this discomfort is permanent, and it changes your life and your perspective forever.” Obviously you would flee as fast as you could. Now suppose the same person were to tell you “I will keep the machine settings the same, but I will also turn on a ‘brainwashing’ switch, which will make you actually derive great pleasure from your new (crappy) situation, and make you think that it’s the best thing ever.” Would anyone really blame you for still running? And would a jury really convict you if you killed this person in self-defence?
It might be noble to do no harm and suffer in self-sacrifice, but that doesn’t mean you deserve scorn if you choose self-preservation.
Carole says:
Um . . . parents that find joy in parenthood (even parenting special-needs children) are just brainwashed?
How about “this machine will inflict discomfort and pain, but will also bring you great joy and wisdom and may possibly make you a better person”? Then is running such an obvious reaction?
katherine says:
Carole, I am afraid you missed point — or at least I didn’t convey it effectively:
Yes, from the view point of someone who has no children (and has no desire for them), parents are, indeed, “delusional.” This is not merely an opinion. Psychological studies have found that the “rosy glasses” phenomenon is a real one, that the way our brain interprets hardships and rewards changes (is skewed) dramatically with parenthood — and in a way that defies rationality. That does not mean I think parenting, or parenting a special needs child, is a bad thing (au contraire!) It just means that I understand why, when you have not experienced it and you are on the outside of the glass looking in, it may seem like a pretty scary, often undesirable, thing.
As for your alternative proposal for the machine’s function, I think joy, wisdom, being a better person, and whatever other superlative anyone wants to ascribe to parenting was already covered under the requirement that the machine “makes you think it’s the best thing ever.”
But that’s not the point. The point is that I never said that running is the obvious reaction. What I said was the complement: that you could not necessarily blame someone for running. Some people might still opt for it, while some people might still view it as losing their entire life and/or core identity. No choice is obvious, and you cannot really blame a person for choosing one over the other.
katherine says:
Since this is turning into an IVF-specific discussion, maybe I should add the following:
People are not generally aware of two medically important facts:
a) The probability of an adverse obstetrical outcome greatly increases when the pregnancy is the result of IVF. This holds for both multiple and singleton pregnancies. As a matter of fact, more and more OBs are of the opinion that, if you have done IVF, your pregnancy should automatically be treated as high-risk.
b) Popular culture may romanticize twin, but science and medicine are increasingly coming to the realization that the human body is not the perfect design for twins. As a matter of fact, twins means there is a significantly greater incidence of an adverse outcome, even with “natural” twin pregnancies. We are talking about stillbirth, or neonatal death, or prematurity that results in permanent disabilities. Not to mention the increased risks to the mother — because of increased rates of preclampsia, gestational diabetes, etc.
Combine these two medical FACTS together, and maybe we won’t be so eager to throw the stone towards these IVF-ers: When you are high-risk, you are obviously weary of anything that increases your risk even further. Just because you really really want a child, does not mean you should automatically be willing to accept a child with disabilities. Being infertile does not automatically mean you should be content with “second pick.” You already give up so much when you face infertility: the sense that you are “normal”, your sense of control over your body, your romantic relationship with your partner, your dignity, just to name a few — why should you also compromise the hope that you will have a “normal” family? When you are infertile, you don’t have many chances to get the whole child-rearing thing right. You are lucky to get even one chance at it. Yes, some people might be ok with ANY outcome, but can you really blame someone for wanting to get that one chance right — for wanting to maximize their chances that all will be ok, and that life will once again be “normal”?
But as I said before, IF you are pro-choice, in the end I don’t think it shouldn’t matter why you want your abortion, and what the circumstances are — whether your are reducing from 4 to 2, or from 2 to 1, or from 1 to none, whether you did IVF or you got pregnant naturally, whether you planned the pregnancy or you were raped, whether the aborted fetus is healthy or terminally ill or viable-but-not-quite-normal. The end result is the same. And the decision is yours and yours alone.
katherine says:
ugh, that last paragraph should obviously read “IF you are pro-choice, in the end I don’t think it SHOULD matter why you want your abortion.”
Dawn says:
Katherine, I agree, that it should matter why you want an abortion. Some earlier comments state that the reason should not matter because it is a private issue. But, it really isn’t a black or white issue. While I totally support the right of a woman to terminate her pregnancy, I have an issue with planning pregnancy and then terminating it. Why not implant only one emryo?
Dora says:
Well said, Katherine. Reproductive choice means exactly that. The choice to pursue fertility treatments, the choice to use donor gametes, the choice to use a gestational carrier, and without a doubt, the choice to terminate. It’s a slippery slope when you start to restrict choices some people don’t approve of. These choices need to remain legal and safe.
And re your point B, YES. “As a matter of fact, twins means there is a significantly greater incidence of an adverse outcome, even with “natural” twin pregnancies. We are talking about stillbirth, or neonatal death, or prematurity that results in permanent disabilities. Not to mention the increased risks to the mother — because of increased rates of preclampsia, gestational diabetes, etc.” About a 50% greater incidence of adverse outcome as opposed to a singleton pregnancy. That is not insignificant.
I held my breath at my first ultrasound. I was overwhelmed with relief when my doctor said there was one heartbeat. I have nothing but compassion and empathy for women facing this.
Megan says:
Echoing what Katherine said above me — I can’t imagine life as a twin any more than you could imagine life not as a twin. I read somewhere once that there are a lot of twins conceived where one embryo dies before the mom ever even knows she has twins, but I don’t know if that’s true. Twins run in my family, so it does make me wonder “what if?” But I’ve never known any different.
I try not to judge other people in these situations, because I can’t imagine that most of the moms involved take the decision lightly. If they do, that (sadly) speaks to who they are as a person, and it’s not good. I am 28 and have decided that although I am single, if I were to become pregnant accidentally I want to keep the baby. I cannot understand how someone could intentionally become pregnant and then decide to only have one when they find out they are pregnant with two.
I also have moral issues with it. You decided to intentionally get pregnant and you probably have the means to support two, but you’re going to choose to abort one?
But I guess it’s just something you can’t comprehend until you’ve been in the situation.
Kelly Horn says:
It’s appalling. It seems they are trying to sugarcoat the situation by calling it “selective reduction”. It is an abortion. And for no other reason than you don’t want to parent more than one child. Sad.
Amy says:
In total agreement and as a mother of twins.
Caroline says:
I have spontaneous triplets (didn’t even know that could happen, but apparently it does, basically triplets naturally, without drugs, IVF, etc.). They are boys, two identical and a fraternal. The doctor gave us the selective reduction talk on the first visit and we cut him off. There was NO WAY that would be an option. Trust us, we were scared, overwhelmed, and this was unexpected (which no offense, it wouldn’t be with IVF, you should be educated on the odds). But it worked out. And now I look at these three beautiful, sweet boys, that are two on Friday, and cannot even imagine if one wasn’t there. What a hole that would be, they don’t even know what they are missing.
And really, if you are going through infertility, and through IVF, and you know you only want one baby, then put one embryo in. If you put more than one you have to know that is a risk. It’s playing with fire and then thinking selfishly that you can always but the fire out later and reduce. With a normal conception you take your chances, you never know what you are going to get, boy vs. girl, one vs. two, three, healthy vs. not, so why should IVF be any different?
Karen says:
This was essentially my issue with the case study in the article, Caroline. They explicitly said they would have kept the twins had they been conceived naturally, seeming to imply that if it was ordained by nature then they had no choice but because they were the ones “controlling” things, it was a different story. Don’t get me wrong, at the end of the day I wouldn’t seek to abolish this because my version of not okay shouldn’t have to be everyone’s, but I found that part especially baffling. I.V.F. is a wonderful program that has helped couples realise their parenting dreams for years; does it really need to be reduced to a prenatal boutique where your order is tailored to meet your desires?
Jenn says:
Hi Heather,
As a mom who has heart breakingly lost 5 babies and took 4 1/2 yrs to have my miracle baby, reduction for my own conviences would have been something that would have seriously NEVER EVEN Entered My Mind!! I know this to be true b/c I so DESPERATELY wanted to be a mom!! The bottom line was I honestly didn’t care about the gender, ethnical background, whether we had a singleton, twins or even triplets and if we did go for adoption, we’d even be open to a sibling group. Although we were working with a fertility clinic to get pregnant, we also started to work towards an international adoption (Chinese or African babies were our goals) and in the mean time we were foster parents.
A non medical reduction is something I would personally never consider. I believe every baby is a gift from God so if I ever did get pregnant with twins…It would be an absolute BLESSING, I know f0r sure we would Elated for sure!! I just cannot imagine it ANY OTHER way!!!
Sending you lots of LOVE & HUGS my friend!!!
Em says:
I have heard of selective reduction for mega multiples – 8-13 embryos implant because of an unethical doctor. Seriously- there have been cases where doctors will implant so many that the mother loses all of them. Terrible. But selective reduction for a twin pregnancy? To me, having twins would be like winning the jackpot! It’s 2 for 1 night and you instantly have a family!
Amie says:
A decision that like is very personal and there is no way any of us could understand what the couple might be feeling/going through. I agree with others who have stated that it’s not my/our place to judge what someone else wants to do with their body. I don’t want other people to judge me if I was in that situation.
Dorcas says:
I am pro-choice, which means that I think that all reproductive decisions are best left to the people most intimately involved. There is no way I can judge people — often people who have gone through infertility and multiple losses — for deciding what is best for their families. I believe that women have the right to have abortions, and it would be really arrogant to think that they should be forced or shamed into carrying a baby just because of my irrelevant squickiness over the alternative. I don’t want doctors/politicians/strangers telling me how/when/how many children to have, just like Heather, who clearly knew what was best for herself and her family, even when doctors may have advised otherwise. Everyone deserves the same respect when making the most intimate decisions.
Liz says:
I have one child and I know the next time I want to get pregnant, which hopefully will be soon, I will have to undergo fertility treatments. My husband and I are walking into it knowing that there is a possibility of multiples, and while I would love twins, more than that would definitely be a burden. But here’s the thing – when you make a decision to be a parent, which these people are doing, you also need to make the decision to put your childrens needs ahead of your own. These people are clearly not doing that. Turns out the first choice of parenthood they’re deciding to do what is best for THEM. I just don’t understand it at all. When you go through IVF it’s not because you just kind of want a child, or your just going to toss away your birth control and see what happens, it’s because you desperately want a child. To be doubly blessed and then to throw that away seems so selfish. To have an abortion just because you’re getting more than you planned on seems like such an extreme measure. What is going to happen to the remaining child when it turns out they have a learning disability, or have debilitating allergies, or God forbid get in an accident and need constant care for the rest of their life. That’s not what most parents are planning on.
Erin W says:
‘when you make a decision to be a parent, which these people are doing, you also need to make the decision to put your childrens needs ahead of your own.’
110% AGREE!
Erin W says:
I’m with Kyle…there’s no way I could read the article. I know it’s wrong to judge, but I wouldn’t be able to help it. Playing God is a very uncomfortable subject for me.
Karen Bennett says:
My husband and I have actually discussed this topic. We have been trying to have children for months now. If we find out that IVF is our only option we would probably transfer two embrios if we had that option. We talked about what we would do if we were put in a position like John & Kate and their six. At that point I think that it does put the mother in danger and we would selectively reduce down to three. Three is what we decided would be our limit. That is what we feel is the edge of safe for the children and the mother.
We also looked at this from the point of view of saving our marriage. Very few marriages could make it through the stress of having that many babies. Not to mention the money and time that would have to be available. We would not be willing to out our marriage at risk for that many.
I know many people that would never reduce, I know a few people that would. I think it is a very personal decision.
We would never reduce from two to one though. That to me is not a medical decision. they are doing that for selfish reasons. But again I would not judge a friend that did it. It is a private decision and I’m sure a very difficult one.
Dora says:
Heather, I want to say that I love your readers! So glad to see that the majority of commenters are not judgmental, as I’ve seen on some other blog posts about this article.
You ask in the video, as a believer in a woman’s right to choose, “where do you draw the line?” As a staunch supporter of choice, I believe you don’t draw the line for anyone else. I have never terminated or reduced a pregnancy, but I know women who have. These are agonizing choices. I recently was the only person a friend felt safe talking to as she was trying to decide whether or not to reduce her twin pregnancy. BTW, my friend is also a twin herself. I was there for my friend because I believe that regardless of what one might do themselves, anyone struggling with this choice deserves love and support. Here’s my post about the article.
Sarah M says:
It is terribly hard not to judge and I really don’t like expressing my opinions on other people’s parenting choices, but i can’t understand this decision. As I was reading all the comments my opinion changed slightly, I just really hope that they have thought this through and went through all the what ifs and had a lot of professional counseling so they understood what they were doing.
Sarah M says:
so i just read the article and i’m confused??? i have so many questions that i don’t deserve the answers to but….she has kids at home, spent 6 year trying to have these babies i just don’t understand. i have 2 kids at home right now and would love a 3rd…but i wouldn’t put myself or my family through 6 years of pain and sadness and thousands of dollars to have that 3rd child.
Amanda says:
I have to cop out on this one and just breathe a sigh of relief that I don’t have to answer this. So hard, I guess we just try not to judge…??
Brittany says:
I’m with Amanda.
Lindsey says:
If the question is only not wanting to raise twins, I would hope the woman would deliver them and give one up for adoption! Did that enter their heads at all? The hardship and pain and guilt over giving up your child’s twin would be, for me, much much less than the pain and guilt over killing my child’s twin. And for me, that is what this is about – killing. Life begins at conception.
Carrisa says:
I can understand considering that as an option if you’re told there’s 4+ babies in your belly. But two? Never. Twins are going to be more than a handful, but what a blessing.
As someone who is struggling with infertility, it’s hard for me to imagine getting something as awesome as twins (via IVF) and then having them take one away. I want more than one kid, so not having to pay for another round of IVF down the road sounds like a good thing.
I can’t really jump on the “to each their own” wagon when it comes to this topic. Because we’re talking about human life here and not some sweater you can just return to the store.
Lindsey says:
Carrisa, I love your last paragraph! EXACTLY!
ally (adil320) says:
Working at an OBGYN I ran into this scenerio a few times with patients. While it is never something I could do, these families had a decision to make. Some were on their last cycle of IVF and couldn’t afford another. They chose to reduce to increase their chances of at least ONE healthy child. Some were so finanically strapped from IVF they didn’t see how they could provide for multiples.
Some just wanted one.
It’s so hard to imagine making that choice and I am thankful I will never be in that situation, but being part of their decision making has given me some empathy of what they go through.
Kim says:
Boy–how do I feel? Appalled! Abortion is abortion no matter how you dress it up, and abortion is killing a little life. To me it is a pretty black and white matter and I think this is irresponsible. If you choose IVF, you know the risks, and frankly, when I really look at the bottom line, this line of thinking is selfish–but our society is continually sliding down the slippery slope of playing God, so I suppose this is not even as bad as things will get.
Jennifer Dawn says:
Totally agree with you, Kim!
Kim C. says:
It’s really hard for me to judge what someone else decides is best for them and their family, but at the same time it’s incredibly difficult for me to NOT judge in this instance.
My husband and I having been trying to have a baby since February of last year. I have two medicated cycles left and then we’ll have to move on to IVF, so I feel close to this topic and it really pains me that women would choose to do this.
The goal with IVF is to have those implanted embryos turn into live births so my thought going in is, if I can’t handle more than one baby then I shouldn’t have more than one embryo implanted. I get that IVF is expensive, I used up all of my fertility insurance as of 3 months ago so we’re all cash at this point, but terminating a baby (for a non-medical reason) is something I just can’t wrap my head around.
Only in Louisiana ~ documenting the adventures of life! says:
No, No and No….taking a human life is never accecptable, for any reason…and this is appalling.
Victoria says:
The whole topic is intense, I absolutely agree. But I also admit I cannot imagine what I would do in that position. Granted, my concerns would not quite be the same – I would actually be concerned about medical issues during and after the pregnancy, due to my particular set of health concerns. A twin pregnancy is not as safe as a singleton pregnancy, for some women. Similarly, raising twins I would think is much more physically taxing than raising one, so… I don’t know. I admit, I just don’t know what I would do in that situation. I feel like I cannot judge.
Amy says:
As a mom of twins my experience has been nothing but wonderful. Were the first two years hard? Hell yeah, but no harder than it was with my first born son. The girls were easy compared to him! You just never know what you are going to get. And I would NEVER have considered reduction of twins. Never entered my mind. They were natural and a surprise and what blessing they have been.
KellyT says:
Here’s the thing…if you only want ONE baby, then just transfer 1 embryo. I know the chances of 1 embryo taking are not very high and I know IVF is expensive, but if you are so against having twins or triplets that you know you will abort any “extra” fetuses then you shouldn’t be transferring more than one. And calling it selective reduction is absolutely trying to sugarcoat it…it is abortion plain and simple. Call it what it is. I have twins that were conceived through infertility treatments. The first thing I told my dr. when I started the treatments was “I only want ONE baby, o.k.”. I was scared and nervous at my first sonogram when the dr. discovered that I was expecting twins. Despite that, abortion never even entered my mind. My boys are so close and so a part of each other’s lives that I can’t imagine them not being together. There are two of them, but they are one in so many ways.
Angela says:
I think that if you have IVF then shouldn’t you be willing to accept more than one baby?I could see if something was wrong with one baby or if it was more than 2 andsomething was wrong.But reducing to one when both are fine?Seems verys selfish to me.How can you just get rid of one healthy baby because you might be too stressed?Heather,I think your mom was lucky!She got a boy and a girl at the same time!How many people would love that?
Michelle H says:
I really think it’s to each his own. We aren’t them, we don’t know how they think, or what they have been through, what their plans are, etc.
I couldn’t do it, but I refuse to judge them.
Kristin says:
Wow. I had never even heard of this until now. I haven’t read the article, so I don’t know the details, but if we’re strictly talking “selective elimination” for only twins, I find this to be completely immoral. This is what I believe.
It seems a lot of people say that they don’t wish to judge others for their decisions and that’s all well and fine. But where do you draw the line between judging someone and just expressing your beliefs on a situation?
I, in my own beliefs and consciousness, can not fathom the thought of terminating one baby’s life just because you do not want twins. I understand that there are financial hardships and that life can be dramatically altered because of the strain of raising two babies at once. I also believe that as long as the parents are committed to the over-all well being of their children, everything will work out. Yes, sacrifices have to be made but to sacrifice the life of a child is not the answer.
We have all been given the gift of free-will, so it is always the parent’s choice and its a choice that they will have to live with everyday of the rest of their lives.
Lisa says:
I’m with you on this one, it is hard to wrap my head around. I’m pro-choice and each person has the right to make their own choice. If I were in that situation I know I couldn’t do it. I would have a hard enough time ending a pregnancy for medically necessary reasons, I certainly couldn’t do it if there were no medical issues involved.
Allison F. says:
I find it funny that you ask the question, is it just another mechanical step in a mechanical process? It is obvious you have never had fertility issues
I have had issues and think of the whole process as extremely emotional. And was quite surprised that, at my initial meeting with the doctor I ended up working with,
I was asked me to sign a form to consent to or not consent to selective reduction (regardless of reason). I am pretty sure in the moment I agreed to be open to selective reduction but, reserved the right to change my mind. I would have to check with my hubby on that one as all I really cared about at the time was getting pregnant and finally getting my bundle of joy!
I do not judge those who choose selective reduction because I know women who have gotten pregnant with multiples through fertility treatments, chose not to reduce against the doctors wishes, and lost all of the babies. I cannot imagine that…going through all you go through (the tests, the invasive procedures, the endless financial crap), finally hear those magical words that you are indeed pregnant, make the “right” choice and lose them all.
I have to say I was never faced with that decision and like previous posters secretly hoped for twins. I think I would have chosen to carry all to term (2, 3, etc…) but, I don’t know. And really no one does until they are in the situation.
Heather says:
I don’t mean offense by saying mechanical steps – it is quoting the article.
katherine says:
ugh, that last paragraph should obviously read “IF you are pro-choice, in the end I don’t think it SHOULD matter why you want your abortion.”
Christina says:
I struggled to get pregnant with my last 2, while I didnt have to go the in-vitro route, we figured if it was ment to be it would happen. and I have been blessed with 4 boys. my youngest being born at 28 weeks and is now a healthy happy 7 year old.
My younger sister, was not delt those cards and had alot handed to her, with her husband having cancer, they went 2 rounds and were excited to learn they were expecting twins, she had one of the hardest pregnancies I have ever seen, from the begining she was told her babies would have health problems and it was advised she terminate. to her those were her babies, from the first positive test those were her babies and her heart. at 27 weeks she developed complications and her boys were born, Evan was 3Lbs 7 oz. and his brother Christian was less then a pound, He had made the sacrifice and gave his brother what he needed to survive. He lived 3 hours and went home to be with those whom who had passed before him. I say this because even though they knew there was a chance he would have serious health problems, never once did she think about not having him, or choosing which child to keep,
Im Pro choice (Please dont flame me) as I feel it is a womans right to choose what she does with her personal body, personally for me I could not do it, no matter what, They say that God never gives you more then you can handle and he has thrown us some doozys but we made it through, bruised, but stronger.
Christina says:
I can’t really put myself in those people’s shoes. I am 100% pro choice. And unfortunately, I am not always going to agree with everyone’s choices. Personally, I cannot imagine wanting something so bad that I go to so many measures to get it and then discard half of it when I don’t get the quantity I want. Okay, maybe I would do that with a foot-long sub sandwich. I can’t eat the whole foot-long, dangit!
In all seriousness, I would keep multiples no matter how many but I personally know I am not currently under financial strain and I know have the physical and mental capabilities (which could change in 5 minutes so I won’t hold my breath on that one). One mom in the article spoke about “not giving everything” to the children but no mom is perfect, even with only 1 baby! In my opinion, you just figure that sh*t out! But I guess everyone deserves the respect of assuming they know what’s right for them and their families… I just can’t come to terms with the decision, personally.
Bec says:
What a hard subject!
As a mom of twins, a part of me is appalled that anyone could decide to deny a child of their twin without medical reason. I can’t fathom what life would be like had that egg not split. Which one of my children, identical but with polar opposite personalities, would I have ended up with?
Furthermore, I spent much of my pregnancy praying that we wouldn’t be forced to make any hard decisions due to horrors such as premature labor or twin-to-twin transfer issues. We watched as one twin grew normally and the other lagged behind, worrying that we may have to deliver to address the needs of one and risking the health of the other. We didn’t end up in that position, thankfully. The babies were born a few days shy of 37 weeks and were healthy.
But all that being said, I can also see why someone might consider reducing down to one. Raising twins is hard. Daycare for two infants? Ouch. We COULD NOT logistically or financially deal with a second set of twins so as much as I would like to consider having another baby, its off the table. We will not even try.
It’s a personal choice, and I see both sides so I can’t judge.
Bria says:
I couldn’t read the whole article…it made me sad and sort of sick.
val says:
For me, this quite simply comes down to the right to choose. Either you support a woman’s right to choose or you don’t. If you do, you don’t get to say when and in what circumstance they get to make that choice. I may not agree with the choice, I may never make the same call in my own life… But I absolutely support their right to make that choice.
Procrastamom says:
I totally agree with you. This is my view on the subject as well. Her body, her choice completely.
Amy says:
I always thought I was pro choice but when faced with the fact I was pregnant with twins would I decide to terminate one to make my life a little EASIER ?
/!?!? HELL NO!!.
I respect a woman’s choice to her body and what she will produce but really? When you are screwing with ‘nature’ can you really blame her if she turns your wishes into two fold?
Can you really with a good frame of mind decide abort one thinking (only of yourself apparently) that you can only handle one? Really? You have no respect from me. You are only thinking of yourselves and terminating a life that I am pretty sure you could have handled and would have appreciated for years to come. And she/he would even after you are gone.
My surprise twins are now almost 14. Had I even thought about reducing I would be mourning right now. They are wonderful girls and their lives so enriched by having each other And us them.
Sometimes the things in life that scare us most are the ones that bring the most enrichment. I have learned that over and over again.
Procrastamom says:
But Amy, don’t you realize that you exercised your rights 14 years ago and made the CHOICE to keep your twins? It actually does work both ways, that choice. I’m a mother too and three times I made the choice to take my pregnancies to term. I never once thought about whether I’d get respect for my choices from anyone else, because my choices do not affect their lives and other’s choices (related to abortion, fertility, womens’ health) do not affect mine. Respect? Who cares. As I said before, my body my choice. Your body, your choice.
Amy says:
I see your point but for a couple who sought out reproductive technology and the high risk of multiples I think lowly of them. They knew the risks and are now questioning the blessing of having not one but TWO babies? Considering abortion for one as they do not think they can handle it? Really? Makes me sick personally but yes, their right, their choice.
Just hope they can live with their decision because I could NOT.
But yes, still pro choice but not pro abortion. These are obviously adults with some money if they can afford to get pregnant in this way. I cannot help but feel they are selfish and will regret their decision down the line, I would, both of my twin daughters mean the world to me. They mean the world to each other, each others best friend. Cannot ever imagine myself taking that relation away from them now, or then.
Pro choice is right and true. But then so is taking care of what you reap when you are old enough to know better.
Just Jiff says:
Everyone has their reasons and opinions, but this article (I read it this morning before I saw your post) made me sick. I’m 9 weeks pregnant after trying for two years (naturally, no IVF) and maybe I’m a little more emotional than normal, but the article really pissed me off. God forbid someone be INCONVENIENCED by another baby. If you don’t want the baby, someone else will… put it up for adoption. I know this comment will piss people off, but I’m entitled to my opinion too. Medical reasons are one thing, but just because the baby will interfere with their career, education, etc? They really disgust me. Shame on them and their selfishness.
Heather says:
And then people would judge her for splitting her family up. Not to mention, no ethical adoption attorney or agency would facilitate splitting up a pair of twins. There’s really no winning on any side of this descision and my heart goes out to any woman who has to make it.
Megan@TrueDaughter says:
The child who gets to live will win…If you were given the choice, live or die, which one would you take? I think each baby, twin or no, has the right to a LIFE. I truly don’t get how anyone can deny an individuals most basic right.
Anthony from CharismaticKid says:
Isn’t that called abortion for no reason? This is fucking with god twice… one with in vitro… which is cool in my book.. but then killing one.
Christina says:
I am a triplet. Selective reduction was recommended to my parents and they refused. Thank goodness! I am all for a woman’s right to choose, but this issue makes me very uncomfortable…
Katie says:
I read this article back when it was published. I’ve been trying to get pregnant via IUI and IVF for 2 years. I didn’t start fertility drugs until about a year ago. When I started them, I produced 8 follicles, and my doctor essentially made me promise I’d reduce I became pregnant with more than 3. I went one more and said I’d reduce if I became pregnant with more than 2.
I didn’t get pregnant.
But eventually, via IVF, I did get pregnant. With one perfectly healthy fetus. At 12 weeks, I found myself in the emergency room undergoing emergency surgery for ovarian torsion. The baby survived the surgery but 2 hours later, I started bleeding and about 10 minutes after the nurse said, “I think you’re losing your baby,” the little lemon-sized fetus popped right out of me. I was doped up on morphine and couldn’t feel any pain, physical or emotional, so I just said, “Okay,” but I could see the tears in my partner’s eyes. They took the baby away in a dish normally reserved for when a patient vomits… and they asked me if I wanted to see it. I said yes, and there in that sterile hospital dish I saw my 12 week, unborn baby, looking positively perfect, if a little small. In my mind, the baby was much bigger than it actually was, but I remember being shocked at how BABY-like it looked – closed eyes, thin lips.
The point of this story is that when they reduce, they wait until 14 weeks to do so. Having seen in front of me what a 12 week old fetus looks like, I don’t know that I could do it. I definitely would not reduce from twins to a singleton – and a lot of doctors won’t even do that because the complications with twins are not as great as they are with triplets or greater. My concern has always been, am I healthy enough to carry more than two babies to term? If my doctor says yes, I would keep them. If my doctor said no, I’d probably reduce.
It’s been 7 months since my miscarriage and we still haven’t gotten pregnant again. The due date was a couple of weeks ago. It’s hard to think of even being faced with this choice at this point.
In this woman’s defense, when you are conceiving via a doctor, you do start to realize you do have so many choices with so much, and it becomes so much less about being a “miracle” and so much more about depleted savings, uncomfortable procedures, and an overall clinical feeling toward something that is supposed to be a lovely moment. I don’t judge her in the least – she did what was right for her. I just don’t think it’d be right for me.
Genevieve says:
How incredibly painful. I am so sorry for you and your partner’s loss. I hope one day (soon!) you fulfill your wish of parenthood.
Tina says:
Wow! This hits home for me. I’m currently 14 weeks pregnant with twins. They were conceived naturally. I’ve had some serious complications that landed me in the hospital already. The babies arevtotally fine, it’s my health that was impacted. I’m stable now, but things get risky with labor and delivery. One of the high risk OBs I saw for an opinion brought up selective reduction to 1 baby instead of 2 as an option. I listened, but was sickened by the thought. I agree with the idea that these babies are a “set”. The thought of having an amnio and choosing the “better” of the 2 to live and the other to die made my husband and me shudder. Not to mention, the reduction would lessen the risk of complications only a few percent. So, I have declined to reduce and declined the amnios. These are our children now and we will be the best parents we can be to them. When you decide to have children, you don’t know what the future holds. That’s the risk you take. I feel that if you aren’t willing to parent the child(ren) you are blessed with, then you should think twice before you have children.
Rachel says:
What I don’t understand about the article is that these are women who are ELECTING to get pregnant, at a later stage in life, through IVF. So…their chances of multiples are really elevated. That confuses me. I am pro-choice, but not pro-abortion. This seems to be morally questionable.
Of course, I am going through infertility…so I would take one of these unwanted babies. I just don’t understand their thought process. But I respect their right to choose. It’s just not one I would make.
meoskop says:
I strongly disagree that being pro-choice means all choices are equal. I can believe in a woman’s right to decide if she wishes to carry a child without having to believe a woman has a right to decide what the child will look like or how many there will be. It’s a complicated issues, but there are many things we can do medically we choose not to do.
Given that I don’t support IVF & fertility treatments, I probably shouldn’t weigh in. I am not surprised that this is an issue with some IVF patients. If they simply wanted children, there are children in need everywhere in America. The extreme physical demands and costs they incur show (to my mind) something more than a simple desire for children is motivating the couple, so making that choice is probably different in their minds than in mine.
Chelsea says:
I couldn’t do it. I would always wonder what could have been. For the same reason we turned down genetic testing when I was pregnant with my son. Even if he had a defect I wouldn’t have terminated the pregnancy.
Elizabeth says:
As a mom who has undergone IVF multiple times and selective reduction twice, each time to reduce a sick twin, I can tell you it is a very hard decision and difficult process. VERY HARD. Anyone who does this, is not going into it lightly, regardless of how they may be portrayed in a newspaper article. I have not been in exactly the same situation but, I do know that only others who have been in my situation truly understand how hard it was for me. Not even my husband really understands.
I can only say I am sorry they found themselves in this situation and hope they are ok.
susana says:
I am so sorry for your hardship. It must be very difficult to read articles and face such issues.
But… congratulations on your two kids! They must be very loved by you and your husband.
Laurie says:
Talking from personal experience, having IVF and getting pregnant with twins, I cannot imagine terminating one of my twins. It took us so much to get pregnant that any little life whether it was one, two, or three was a welcomed blessing. I’m maybe old fashioned in thinking or maybe overly religious or whatever people want to judge me as, but I think all life has a purpose here. I just cannot imagine wanting so badly, getting that time two then saying, oh I only want one of you. Kind of sick in my mind, but that is just me.
Pattie says:
Unless there was some terrible, untreatable medical condition, I’d keep both. I can’t imagine terminating one just because it was the “extra,” particularly if I’d gone to the trouble and expense of IVF in the first place. Like you said, multiples and fertility treatments are not exactly a surprise.
Madi G. says:
I’m split on this one.
I have twins. They are not my biological kids; they came to me after a family member (their mom) passed away.
I still want my own biological children, but I don’t think I could do twins again, especially while the girls are still young. (And it will need to be while the twins are young, as my husband and I are getting older!)
It was (and is) extremely difficult physically, financially and emotionally.
Financially, time-wise, etc. we could (and would) love to have a singleton. But twins (or more!) would be over whelming. I don’t think I could provide for everyone in the way I’d want to.
But, on the same token, I have huge issues with the logistics — who to pick, how to explain this to the surviving twin, guilt and wondering about the “what ifs” and so on. But I think those issues would be present with any selective reduction situation, even when health issues are involved (because as Heather mentioned, doctors can’t give you guarantees. Even when the doctors say the chances are against you, there are times when a baby survives and flourishes when he/she was not!)
I think it’s a personal choice, based on what you can provide as a parent. I would hate to see a parent who can barely afford to dress, feed or care for multiples (and believe me — the money spent on two is more than enough to care for just one very comfortably). In some cases, I think it’s the responsible thing to do. But I don’t think that makes it an “easy” decision by any means.
-Madi
Madi G. says:
Oops…didn’t finish a sentence!
It’s supposed to say…
(…there are times when a baby survives and flourishes when he/she was not expected to!)
Madi G. says:
Just wanted to add…
I look at awful moms like Kate Gosselin and “Octomom” and I think we can all agree that they’re in over their heads. Their kids suffer, largely in part because there are so many. (The Gosselin kids suffer because their mom is a stressed out, verbally abusive mess and Octomom’s kids suffer because she’s a stressed out mess -and- she can’t afford them.)
For a family that can afford one, but not two, I think the stresses (emotional, financial, etc.) are the same. You’re in over your head in both situations. In both situations, you need more than one person to care for the kids (whether it’s two or five, I don’t believe you can be the “best possible parent” alone. You need help. Period.)
I think it’s important to let parents make this sort of decision, as it’s all about what they can handle and provide, regardless of whether you’re reducing from four to three or three to two or two to one.
I’d much rather see a pregnancy terminated vs. seeing a child suffer through 18 years of awfulness (which inevitably result in issues as an adult, though to varying degrees.)
I’m pro-choice. I believe in making decisions that are consistent with what you can handle and provide as a parent. These are clearly difficult decisions — that’s a certainty. I don’t fault anyone who decides to reduce; I’m not in their shoes, so I can’t judge. That article focuses on twins, but it’s happening with *all* multiples; I don’t feel like they’re being unfairly targeted.
-Madi
Genevieve says:
I am grateful I will never have to be in a position to make a decision like this. Although the sanctimonious side of me thinks this would be a non-issue for me. My kids learn in preschool “You get what you get , and you don’t throw a fit” and for me that would apply with IVF since it is elective. My mom had became pregnant with a set of twins and one was lost during the pregnancy. She rarely talked about it and yet my little sister has always felt like half of a set. On important days in her life she wishes he was there to share the experience with. I have often wondered if there is some scientific explanation. Personally I was surprised by an unwanted (cringe) pregnancy and although it was ‘uncomfortable’, ‘inconvenient’ and didn’t fit into my big picture we now think he is the cutest toddler on the planet (see above cringe).
Rachel C. says:
People shouldn’t play God. Period. I don’t really like the IVF concept as a whole either, but I understand why women take that route.
It’s sad that our society is turning babies into a business.
Amanda says:
As an identical twin, I get where you are coming from Heather. Since this is IVF in particular: It’s a tough choice for anyone, and maybe more understandable in the case of higher order multiples. But for twins, you’ve spent all this money to get pregnant and get 2 babies for the price of 1… I don’t know. Seems backwards to me. But freedom of choice (and reproductive decisions) is something I’m glad this country has, even if I wouldn’t use it.
Elizabeth says:
Just one more comment regarding IVF…. I think if you have not TRULY struggled with infertility, you should really think before you comment negatively.
melanie says:
As a mother of twins..of any kids, I am truly sickened. I know how it feels to desperately want a baby and I could not imagine in a million years terminating because I got more than I wanted. Funny thing is, God wanted me to have twins…how can I mess with that? How can anyone? But ya know, they do it anyway. Sad.
Susan says:
My only concern is this…what happens when you’ve reduced to one, if the one that you “keep” doesn’t end up surviving or dies at a very young age? Can you imagine the devastation?
Jane says:
I’m sickened by this article and I’m a supporter of women’s rights and am pro-choice. I literally couldn’t read it in full. I don’t usually comment, but had to this time. We all make decisions in life, some of which we are sorry and regretful for. I pray these women find peace and forgiveness from themselves, God, and their little babies.
Arlene says:
You judgers should know better than to comment on something you have not experienced. I have been thru many IVF cycles and reduction was discussed many times b/c often in order to conceive, you must put in more fertilized eggs than just one. And unless you want to be like Octomom or Kate+8, it’s an option you have to consider. It might not be an easy thing to think about but unless you’ve been there, I’d keep your opinions to yourself.
Elizabeth says:
Well said.
Amy says:
True. But any respectable doctor would only implant what a woman could bear. Not four, five or more. To do more is just not ethical. (And yes, my SIL bore triplets the natural way with 3 kids already). All wonderful, loved children.)
But more to the point of this article. An infertile couple wanted a baby.Ooops, one more than they were counting on. Having raised twins myself I can honestly say it was doable and one of the most greatest things I have done in my life.
My son was born 4 years before them and completely a HANDFUL of colicky screaming for months and then months of not sleeping. The daughters by comparison were a dream.
To have ‘selectively reduced’ either of them would have killed me in hindsight. They were the easiest of babies and now teens.
My point is if you are going to mess with nature make sure you are equipped with the outcome. (Not that I did, all my kids came the old fashioned “Oops” way and I love them for it~!) Sure if faced with 4 or more kids selective reduction should be an option. But twins? Really?
Buccinator says:
I completely understand a woman’s right to choose, but this seems to be going a bit far. I don’t even understand how someone who wanted children so badly could even decide, after all that work, to reduce their pregnancy. I’m just 24 and have a lupus-ish disease, and because of it I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to have children, so the thought of people being able to conceive children and then…”reducing” them…it hurts.
Mom of 4 says:
A person’s a person no matter how small. (Dr. Seuss)
I believe in the sanctity of life from conception until natural death.
I also believe that women do have a choice. You can choose to have sex or not. You can choose to pursue IVF or not. Once that choice is made and a baby (or two or three) conceived, your rights are over and parental responsibility is now in play. That’s right, PARENTAL responsibility. Those are your children, you are their parent.
Call me judgmental if you want. I know the difference between right and wrong and it’s wrong to kill an innocent human being and particularly heinous when that human being is just not convenient.
Megan@TrueDaughter says:
So many people on here have the words I cannot find tonight – this is one of them. Thanks Mom of 4!
Heli says:
Wow! You have definitely gotten people talking! I think the whole subject is a really slippery slope. It feels a little like playing God.
That being said, I’m not sure I can really pass judgement on what choices people make when I’m not the one in their circumstance. I felt like I needed to mention that because it’s easy to be disgusted by this.
At this point in my life, I could never imagine terminating a fetus under any circumstance. And I’m really sorry for anyone who thinks that’s appropriate for them because that is a really hard decision and shouldn’t be made lightly.
Brenda says:
I’m not going to judge. I know I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief when I saw just one heartbeat on the ultrasound screen, and at that point, I didn’t even know I would have a high risk pregnancy.
Based on how my pregnancy ended up going, I can say with some confidence that I doubt very much that 2 babies would have survived my hostile uterus.
Even if you take out any medical problems, there is still the added expense of a second child. One parent may have to quit their job, because daycare becomes more expensive than the income. There might be a bigger car or living space that would be required, not to mention you need 2 of everything.
I had one baby.
I was an emotional mess in the months after her birth.
I was exhausted.
I cannot imagine being able to handle 2 babies. How would I manage when they were both screaming? How would I safely carry them around? When would I sleep. Honestly, it sounds really overwhelming.
I can completely relate with only wanting ONE baby.
That said, I’m not sure if I could terminate a baby.
Becky says:
I haven’t read all the comments, but here is what bothers me about all of it: if you are going to sign on for the job of parent, you need to sign on 1000% There are no guarantees, ever, that the child you get is what you dreamed of/wanted/agreed to. Even an uneventful pregnancy with the delivery of a healthy baby is no guarantee that that child won’t have issues (learning disabilities, emotional problems, suffer an accident, etc) down the road. Parenting is messy, sometimes heartbreaking, hard, expensive, and exhausting. It’s also rewarding, wonderful, and an incredible. But if you only want the good and not the ugly, get a puppy instead.
Megan@TrueDaughter says:
So agree with you, Becky, a thousand percent.
Susannah says:
I just cannot imagine having to make this decision. Mainly, because I am against abortion in ANY situation. I tried and wanted a child for so long, and now I have TWO praise the Lord. I would never want to be in this situation. Even if my life were at stake, I don’t know how I would be able to make this decision. Everyone can find a way to make it work, I just don’t see the way you could “choose.” My thoughts, obvi.
Victoria says:
Although this is slightly off topic, I just wanted to point out to everyone that saying there is a difference between “natural” twins and “IVF” twins is incredibly offensive. Twins conceived by IVF are real, natural children. Please refer to non IVF twins as “spontaneous”
Jayme says:
When we found out I was carrying twins in my last pregnancy, my peri freaked out. Told me I was going to be lucky to get to viability with my history, the chances of bringing home a baby were slimmer with two, etc.
I was offered selective reduction. I passed.
I didn’t use IVF or anything to get pregnant with multiple babies. I figured if they were meant to be, they were meant to be. We already buried three babies, if these two were coming home with me, it was out of my hands.
Jayme says:
I actually posted about it last year-
http://www.tatertwins.com/2010/05/18/selective-reduction/
julie says:
I have been surprised how much people who are pro-choice and/or who have been through the wringer with fertility issues/tough choices are feeling free to come down on the side of harsh judgment upon reading this article. These issues can sometimes be really complicated for people who are experiencing them. I have twins, and I have another baby, and I have almost lost one of my children. I know how special twins are and how precious life is. But I also get that until you’ve walked in someone’s shoes, well… you know.
Momma Chaos says:
I’m sorry but if they feel that they cannot handle anything other than “natural” twins then they should have implanted ONE embryo.. If they got twins from that they would definitely be “natural”. Selective reduction is something I’m against to begin with – except in severe cases (mother’s life is in danger)- but having someone purposely do IVF to get pregnant only to abort a twin.. It just really bothers me. I am/was a surrogate and am against selective reduction.. While I agree that it is the Intended Parent’s choice, it’s not something I would ever personally agree with.. It is insanely hard to find a couple that has the same viewpoint. Sooo many want that selective reduction option in there. It makes me sad . To go thru soo much heartache, finally get pregnant and then choose to abort it. It really boggles my mind.
Amy says:
I have a son (singleton) and my two daughters) twins. No way in hell I would have ever considered reduction with the girls. Twins, so special
However if faced with large amount of multiples (like Kate G or Octomom) I might have had needed to some thinking about what we could afford or parent well considering the numbers. No idea in their shoes what I would have done. (Just know I sure as hell would not taken the path of Kate G., such a horrid woman).
Do know that our twin pregnancy was embraced. We were not even planning second child’s arrival but when we got the news it was most welcomed. My kids are now son, 18 and daughters just about 14. Loves of my life
But
Megan@TrueDaughter says:
Wow. For once in my life, my opinion here might actually carry some weight. While I have never had fertility treatments, I have had children. Some with medical problems. I currently have 9 (NINE) children, and recently discovered that I am pregnant…with TWINS. The pregnancy itself was unplanned – and due to some major peri-menopausal hormonal changes. Totally shocked and unexpected. On top of this later in life pregnancy, we find that it is twins. This caused me many sleepless nights. Our last pregnancy didn’t go well, was complicated by gestational diabetes, and ended in an emergency c-section. Thank God, our sweet boy is now just fine. These babies are throwing me for a loop, still, but never, ever in a million years, would I consider choosing to kill one of them. Not for medical reasons, not for my health, not for the financial costs involved. Not for any reason. These babies are a gift. I am waiting for the excitement I know will come when the nerves wear off, but they are here, to stay. I just really, really cannot understand how a woman could fight so hard for something, and then be so cavalier as to kill the very thing she was working so hard for. It makes no sense. And I think it is very, very wrong. Makes me heartsick to hear and read this sort of thing is going on.
Jen says:
IMO a multiple pregnancy is something you accept the risk of by undergoing fertility treatment. I don’t really understand or agree with reducing a twin or triplet pregnancy. However, with 4 or more fetuses I think the risks to mom and babies are significant enough to justify reducing the number to help ensure health for all. I do think though that there are a lot of things you can do to avoid the risk of having such a high number in the first place though.
Wabi says:
I’m a twin too. I personally wouldn’t have selectively reduced a twin pregnancy (if I’d had one) without medical reasons.
But, I am also a person who terminated a much-wanted pregnancy for medical reasons, after the amnio came back showing our daughter had a terminal genetic condition (life expectancy: 17 days.) And that experience makes me a bit leery of judging what others do on this front. What one set of parents find a challenging blessing others might just find to be a crisis and a catastrophe.
Lia McIntosh says:
The answer is simple if, you only want one baby then only transfer one embryo. Freeze the others in case the transfer does not work.
That way you would not have to make such a painful decision. Maybe carry them both and adpot one of the babies.
It just seems immoral and so wasteful to risk the entire pregnancy when there are other more appropriate choices.
The whole story seems unreal to me prhaps it was a slow news day and The New York Times wanted a story to sell a few more copies. After all there is no way to substantiate the story
Kelly says:
Eleven months ago exactly after months of grueling IVF treatment, I was spreadeagle in stirrups given only a few moments to decide if we wanted to transfer one, two, or three embryos. Not thinking that they would all take and knowing that due to finances this was our last chance, my doctor recommended transferring all three. To make a long story short, I am now the mom of healthy 3 1/2 – month-old triplets.
Yes, the pregnancy was difficult, in particular the six weeks of hospital bedrest that nearly drove me to insanity. Yes, it is physically and emotionally exhausting being the parents of three newborns. Yes, we face all kinds of new financial challenges. My husband and I can’t go out anywhere, returning to work has totally kicked my butt, we’ve had several knock-down-drag-out arguments over absolutely nothing, my body has been ravaged by the bedrest, surgery, and lack of opportunity to recover, and I haven’t had more than six consecutive hours of sleep for at least six months. But, I cannot for a moment imagine not having an Ava or an Olivia or a Max. We are blessed beyond words and remind ourselves of that fact every time we start to feel as though we are drowning in diapers, bottles, and screaming babies. This is what was meant to be, and I thank God everyday for the opportunity to be a mom to these three precious babies.
We were offered the option of selective reduction early in the pregnancy but both decided that, after all we had been through to get to that point, any baby that came to us was a baby we were meant to have. And, if we ended up not pregnant, then that would also be what was meant to be and we would have to look into other avenues like adoption. One of our embryos was smaller and weaker than the other two, so we braced ourselves for the possibility of miscarriage. Fortunately, our little Ava hung in there and is now our Miss Sunshine, the one who wakes every morning with an irresistible smile. We don’t regret for even a single moment electing to transfer all three because any other decision would have meant no Ava.
I do believe in people’s right to a choice, and I know that there are circumstances in which reduction might be medically advisable. However, it is hard for me to fathom rejecting a child one went to such lengths to create for no other reason that one’s own convenience. I would never put myself in a position to potentially create more than I was willing to handle in the first place. To do so seems beyond irresponsible. If you aren’t ready to take on the challenge of parenting twins or more, then don’t purposely put yourself in a situation wherein there is a high likelihood of multiples.
Funny to think that it was eleven months ago to the day that we made the decision that led to Ava, Max, and Livvie … eleven months ago that they became an inextricable part of my life. I wouldn’t change a thing.
Melanie B says:
My take? Don’t put them in if you can’t parent them. This whole subject honestly grosses me out. I’m not interested in being PC, it truly makes me sick!
Stacey says:
As someone who has had 2 sets of twins via IVF I can’t understand the selective-reduction concept. We were offered selective reduction with our twin boys and I was shocked… we put 2 embryos in so we knew it was a possibility. Why would we have agreed to 2 if we hadn’t been willing to have 2?
However, it should be realized how risky twin pregnancies really are. My boys were born at 27 weeks after weeks of bedrest. My son Connor died at 2 days because of the complications of prematurity & my son Colby spent 3+ months in the NICU before he was healthy enough to come home. My next set of twins- my girls- were born at 34 weeks after 10 weeks of bedrest & came home in less than 2 weeks. The risks are real, so in my opinion, if you don’t want to parent 2 (or more) or face the challenges of getting 2 here safely, then don’t risk it.
Amber says:
I’m way late responding to this post but articles like this one make me realize how disturbed people really are.
How do you even live with yourself after making such a choice? Terminating a life for absolutely no reason other than you have no faith that it will all work out?
Believe it or not I do actually believe people should have a right to terminate in some instances however this is far from one of them.
There is actually another article somewhere I’d have to dig up that I read last year dealing with people who term due to the child being a gender other than the one they wanted.
Insane.
Laura says:
If I remember correctly, awhile ago you posted an article about people judging other parents. So how dare you invite judgement on other parents in a situation that you’ve never been in. Infertility is an incredibly painful experience that no one can ever imagine unless they have suffered from it. Pregnancies with twins are just plain riskier, wether there is a medical reason for reduction at the time or not. In addition, as another poster pointed out, this is no different from abortion. I am disgusted by this post and the comments following it.
Marsha says:
wow….just wow
Anyone has a right to seek out opinions she DIDNT say it was wrong or right just that is was hard for her to grasp. This is America and we have the freedom of speech and ability to do things without penalty.
Why try to oppress us and make nasty comments Laura!?
Oh and by the way I have suffered infertility issues and I have ALSO had to terminate a baby for medical reasons….judge me now will you!? I judge myself and carry much guilt so I dont need anyone else to heap more onto me.
Your post does not really indicate much other than adding confusion to the topic….what are you trying to relay? That you are for it or against it??
Laura says:
Ok, so that last part was probably a little extreme. I’m not trying to be nasty (and I’m hopped up on hormones from my own IVF). My only point is that I don’t feel like it’s fair for people to have an opinion if they haven’t gone through something like that. In high school, I was completely opposed to IVF. Well, the jokes on me, because that’s what my choice is if I want to have a biological child. Although I can’t imagine myself ever choosing reduction, I know that I have no idea what I would actually do if I was in that situation. Also, I do think it’s hypocritical to on one hand, call for people to judge less, and then invite opinions on an obviously controversial topic which one hasn’t had first-hand experience of. Sorry I made you upset.
Marsha says:
This makes me sad on a number of levels…a healthy baby being terminated after going to such lengths to be created!? Non-medical termination of a twin just seems so unnatural and wrong to me but they must live with the choice they make.
I have been pregnant 5 times after being told I had fertility issues….gods gifts to my husband and I….My first baby I lost at 13 weeks and it was devastating….I went on to carry 3 babies with complicated and rough pregnancies and all were born premature but thankfully only 1 had short term issues with a short NICU stay….that being said it was very difficult for me and the pregnancies were complicated and I was in and out of the hospital a lot BUT I was SOOOOO very grateful and happy to be pregnant with healthy babies at all.
Here is the worst part….I became pregnant which was unplanned and quite a shock a 5th time….this baby was so far healthy but I was not….I have a Neuromuscular disease and pregnancy accelerates the disease and I was having a lot of medical problems at the time….it was advised that I terminate the pregnancy….this is very hard for me to talk about and I really cannot believe I am doing so.
Because of my medical issues and the fact that I had 3 very young children that I cherished aged 2,4,6 at the time and after several weeks of torment and tears I finally relented and allowed the termination. I didnt want to risk my babies to become motherless BUT 6 years later I am still consumed with guilt and I am a murderer.
So there you have it….I was in an awful situation and I just cannot imagine terminating a healthy baby for non-medical reasons because you just wanted one….my god babies are a blessing and a gift. These people went to so much medical interventions to have a baby then to say oh I just wanted 1 so terminate the other!?!?!?!?! WHY in the HELL did they have 2 transfers….if the wanted 1 baby then they should have transferred 1 embryo and freeze the rest to transfer another cycle if the first didnt take!?!?!
Medical reasons is one thing but that reason is awful! Given the chance to have a do over I would NOT have terminated and taken the risk to have the baby god decided I should have had….ladies and gents the guilt I carry is horrible….I wish I had never done it.
Marsha says:
oh and I just wanted to add for the haters that I know are forthcoming….when I terminated I also had them cut, tie, and burn my tubes plus they did a uterine ablation so I would NEVER have to make that awful choice again.
Lindsey says:
Marsha, my heart breaks to hear of your pain and sorrow over termination. I am sure if everyone on this planet told you that it was a correct choice for you and your family, you would still feel the guilt. But I, for one, totally sympathize with you for this situation. You are obviously a loving person and mother and you had to think of what was right for your whole family. Nothing in your story at all resembles the woman in Heather’s article. I wish you many years of health and happiness.
Mom of 4 says:
Marsha, I’m sorry that happened to you and that you feel that was your only choice. Have you heard of Project Rachel? http://www.hopeafterabortion.com/ Perhaps you can find some peace there.
Marsha says:
Thank you for the link Mom of 4 I will certainly be reading more on their website when my kids are not present. I had not heard of the site so it is much appreciated, maybe it will help me and I hope that it does. The guilt is at times all consuming.
Sarah says:
I haven’t read the comments here, but really liked Julie’s thoughts on this issues: http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2011/08/jenny-is-an-asshole-and-so-of-course-am-i.html
Similar to Julie, I would likely have to reduce a multiple pregnancy to a singleton because my uterus ruptured during my first labor and now all singleton pgs I have lead to early csections (by 36 weeks) to prevent my very thin uterus from falling apart and risking baby/my health/life.
Even after having lost my first daughter due to complications that started with the rupture, I still feel very strongly that the issue is so complicated that only an individual woman and her partner can really make any decisions about what to do in a given situation.
Jamie says:
As an IVF veteran and Mom of twins + 1, this article stirred me up.
I wrote about it on my blog here: http://www.stickyfeet2.com/2011/08/its-worth-it/
Jaime Maynard says:
“they aren’t getting what they want”- We don’t Get What We Want..when we have children, we get what we get and we love them fiercely regardless. Geesh. They are not material items. This has gotten me, as a loss mama, very fired up now.
Mandy says:
Why do people think it’s their obligation to judge every woman’s reproductive move?
It’s no one’s business but the woman making the decision. Who cares what her reasons are? Whatever the reason(s), they’re as important to her as YOUR reasons.
I keep my paws off of and my judging away from other women’s uteruses. Worry about what happens in your own body.
Jessica Makuh says:
I wouldn’t do it unless there was a medical necessity and I had to. I can’t imagine going through the expense of IVF and not wanting both babies. Now if I had 4 or more babies in my womb, I might consider it because of the risks of having so many multiples, but there are not nearly as many risks with twins. I’ll have to look up the article.
Jessica Makuh says:
After the reading the article, I’m wondering why adoption isn’t an option for some of the women who made this decision? Give one baby up for adoption and keep the other. There are so many people who would want the second baby. I would personally feel better with that decision than I would with selective reduction.
mango says:
I had 5 failed IVF cycles, each one transferring 2 – 3 embryos. On my 6th cycle, thinking I wouldn’t even get 1 to take, both embryos took. To answer the question raised by so many commenters, I think I can speak for most IVF-ers when I say that we transfer more than 1 embryo because of the COST involved in IVF. If you have to keep going back to transfer 1 embryo at a time, the costs are exhorbitant. So you put in more than one, hoping one (or maybe 2) will take. It is interesting to note that in nations where infertility treatment (IVF, IUI) is covered by insurance (Israel, Sweden, Norway), the rate of multiples is very low, because patients can transfer only 1 embryo at a time and not worry about bankrupting themselves to get pregnant.